And I don't mean because this is going to be a fun XXX blog. I mean because this blog is going to be disturbing in a Bastard out of Carolina way. It's going to be about the nature of people, love, God and forgiveness. And it's about a parent's worse nightmare.
Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl, who didn't know she was beautiful. She was funny, smart, and she was my best friend. Although we were in highschool she didn't live with her parents, because her mom had died of cancer many years earlier, and due to sexual abuse, the state had taken her away from her father. After highschool, her past caught up to her, and she experimented with drugs, sex and everything in between, and we lost track of one another. She had a beautiful daughter, but her lifestyle did not change that much. She felt lost, alone and like her life was out of her control. One day, she looked up my parents and got my phone number, here in Wisconsin, and gave me a call.
Earlier, before I had become friends with the girl, I was friends with a boy. He was smart, funny and he too had suffered from sexual abuse, although he didn't talk about it. After highschool, he quickly married and produced several offspring. After almost 10 years, his wife decided to leave him, and the boy, feeling lonely, decided to look up his old friend, me. Well, I was already in Wisconsin, and he gave me a call, the same week the girl called me.
Now, the boy and girl had been friends in highschool also, so I gave them each other's phone numbers and they contacted each other. They quickly fell in love, had a baby, and got married (yes, in that order). The girl finally felt like her life was in her control and that she had met the man of her dreams. They were very much in love, and they made an excellent couple.
Then, the girl discovered the boy had done inappropriate things with her beautiful daughter. Her world collapsed. Since she had gone through this as a child, she knew how devastating this was. She was very brave and she called the police and had the boy arrested and charged. The boy realized what he had done and he confessed to everything and started to go to counseling. He knew what he had done was wrong, but he asked for forgiveness, and he wanted to change and he still loved the girl. He begged her to stay with him, to help him and to still love him.
The girl, of course, refused. How could she stay with him when he had done this? But, the girl also believed in a very big God and she wondered if she was limiting God by claiming that the boy couldn't change. But, does forgiveness mean she has to stay with the boy? How could she trust him again? How could she allow him near her daughter again? Why did she still love him?
His actions and confession indicate that he wanted to be caught and wanted help. There were two incidents and there was no penetration of any kind. But, it is a child. It is a delicate situation. They are both my friends. I want the boy to get help. I want the girl to get her life back. I want them to figure out what is best for each of them. I want the daughter to magically forget what happened. I want it to be like it was when they fell in love. They made each other so happy. I want to beat him to death for hurting my friend and her daughter, but I also want to beat his stepdad to death for what he did to the boy. My friend wants and needs lots of prayer. She has difficult decisions she must make. I know she is not willing to sacrifice her daughter for love, for her husband. But, how will she know if he can indeed change? The boy needs prayer too. For forgiveness, for change, for a future.
you never think it would be someone you know,
Stacia
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Spring break and snow
Tomorrow is the last day before spring break is officially here. And it has been snowing all afternoon and is supposed to snow some more tomorrow. Ahhh, life in Wisconsin.
Today I saw my advisor. Apparently she has several students in her class who are also in the class I TA. She said several students told her how well I had done during the lecture I gave. That was great to hear. She had missed the paper presentation I gave last week too, but said that one of the professors who was there told her how well I did. I almost got the impression he went to her just to tell her how well I had done. She seemed very impressed with what I did, and she wasn't even there! That really made me feel so good. Alot of my fellow graduate students are reconsidering working in academia. It is difficult and there are a lot of politics involved in getting through the graduate process. After that you have to find a job, get tenure, publish a book, serve on committees, be a great professor, present at conferences, and publish some more. But this is what I want to do, and that desire has not changed for me. I love to teach, and my advisor thinks I'm a natural at it. I'm also good at presenting my work. Unfortunately, my research and writing skills aren't as good as they should be, but I'm working on that.
Meanwhile, I'm dealing with students who are not so happy about their mid-term grades. Note to students, don't use "information" from a certain professor's class, because I've had three classes with him and his TA is one of my good friends. If you took better notes in class it would be a lot easier.
Stacia
Today I saw my advisor. Apparently she has several students in her class who are also in the class I TA. She said several students told her how well I had done during the lecture I gave. That was great to hear. She had missed the paper presentation I gave last week too, but said that one of the professors who was there told her how well I did. I almost got the impression he went to her just to tell her how well I had done. She seemed very impressed with what I did, and she wasn't even there! That really made me feel so good. Alot of my fellow graduate students are reconsidering working in academia. It is difficult and there are a lot of politics involved in getting through the graduate process. After that you have to find a job, get tenure, publish a book, serve on committees, be a great professor, present at conferences, and publish some more. But this is what I want to do, and that desire has not changed for me. I love to teach, and my advisor thinks I'm a natural at it. I'm also good at presenting my work. Unfortunately, my research and writing skills aren't as good as they should be, but I'm working on that.
Meanwhile, I'm dealing with students who are not so happy about their mid-term grades. Note to students, don't use "information" from a certain professor's class, because I've had three classes with him and his TA is one of my good friends. If you took better notes in class it would be a lot easier.
Stacia
Monday, March 14, 2005
Wonderful Weekend
This was a great weekend. My mom had hoped I would be there, so it wasn't a huge surprise, but she sure was glad I was there. In addition to me, my dad flew in my mom's two best friends. All three of them hadn't been together for about 10 years. They both have daughters my age, and it was great getting caught up with them. The party was huge! It seemed like everyone we knew showed up, but yet, alot of people didn't make it. There were about 90 people there throughout the evening. It was great. There were a ton of people there I hadn't seen in ages. So of course, I had to answer the question, "So, when are you going to be done in school?" about a million times. But the party was great and mom enjoyed herself.
The strange thing about my mom's friends from out of town. It was probably presumed, back in the day, that my parent's marriage was probably the shakiest of all three. Yet, my parents are the only couple still married. Not only are they still married, but they have a great marriage. My dad worships the ground my mom walks on, but he's not whipped, and my mom is super appreciative of everything my dad does for her and our family. I know the secret to my parents' marriage: my mom refused to give up. Now, my dad, he probably never even knew there was anything wrong. But my mom, for a while, a long while, was miserable. But she was already divorced and now had three kids, so instead of leaving, she stuck it out. And instead of being bitter about it, she focused on my dad's positive attributes. And as he got older, he mellowed, and as she got older, she got better about asking for what she wanted. And they both considered their marriage a priority. So was my mom surprised when she answered the door on Friday and me and her two friends were standing there. No, not really. She knew that dad wanted her to be happy and this would make her happy.
I also got to see Camille and family. The new addition is beautiful. And she has a ton of hair! Camille looks great and very happy and relaxed. Bart looks at Francesca like she's the most amazing thing on the planet. I am so very happy for them.
On the plane home, this little girl, probably almost three, sat in front of me. She was soooo cute. She was wearing a little pink outfit and had a pink cowboy hat on. She kept saying, "I'm a cowgirl." Her mom told her to say yee-haw and howdy, and she did. She was just adorable.
ok, I still have a ton of homework I need to do. I had a great weekend, but now I really need spring break!
Stacia
The strange thing about my mom's friends from out of town. It was probably presumed, back in the day, that my parent's marriage was probably the shakiest of all three. Yet, my parents are the only couple still married. Not only are they still married, but they have a great marriage. My dad worships the ground my mom walks on, but he's not whipped, and my mom is super appreciative of everything my dad does for her and our family. I know the secret to my parents' marriage: my mom refused to give up. Now, my dad, he probably never even knew there was anything wrong. But my mom, for a while, a long while, was miserable. But she was already divorced and now had three kids, so instead of leaving, she stuck it out. And instead of being bitter about it, she focused on my dad's positive attributes. And as he got older, he mellowed, and as she got older, she got better about asking for what she wanted. And they both considered their marriage a priority. So was my mom surprised when she answered the door on Friday and me and her two friends were standing there. No, not really. She knew that dad wanted her to be happy and this would make her happy.
I also got to see Camille and family. The new addition is beautiful. And she has a ton of hair! Camille looks great and very happy and relaxed. Bart looks at Francesca like she's the most amazing thing on the planet. I am so very happy for them.
On the plane home, this little girl, probably almost three, sat in front of me. She was soooo cute. She was wearing a little pink outfit and had a pink cowboy hat on. She kept saying, "I'm a cowgirl." Her mom told her to say yee-haw and howdy, and she did. She was just adorable.
ok, I still have a ton of homework I need to do. I had a great weekend, but now I really need spring break!
Stacia
Thursday, March 10, 2005
I Rock!
I gave my lecture on Monday. The Russian Revolutions of 1917. In 50 minutes. For that alone, I deserve a medal or a pay-raise, or something. I was extremely nervous and worked on it all weekend. Well, most of it is a blur, but everyone clapped at the end, the professor shook my hand, and several students stopped to tell me I did a great job. The next day, when I teach, several more students told me how good it was, that I was the best lecturer so far, and that they actually learned stuff. I am very flattered, but at the same time, I'm also still grading the mid-terms. But I do think they like me, and that I did at least a good job.
Today, I presented a paper for the first time ever. This, I didn't really prepare for. There were three of us, and the topic was: Jews in the eyes of others. I went last. My topic: the Bolshevik struggle against Zionism. One of the other presenters, whom I really, really respect, told me several times afterwards that I did a great job. So, that felt really good too.
Also ran into my former student again today. I am going to have to schedule something soon.
I have absolutely not prepared anything for class tomorrow. But that professor was at our presentation (all of us are in his class), so I'm hoping he'll be nice.
I can't wait to go home. I did laundry today. I sent my mom a flyer for today's presentation in her birthday card. She put it on the fridge. I hope she takes it down before her party.
I guess that's it.
Stacia
Today, I presented a paper for the first time ever. This, I didn't really prepare for. There were three of us, and the topic was: Jews in the eyes of others. I went last. My topic: the Bolshevik struggle against Zionism. One of the other presenters, whom I really, really respect, told me several times afterwards that I did a great job. So, that felt really good too.
Also ran into my former student again today. I am going to have to schedule something soon.
I have absolutely not prepared anything for class tomorrow. But that professor was at our presentation (all of us are in his class), so I'm hoping he'll be nice.
I can't wait to go home. I did laundry today. I sent my mom a flyer for today's presentation in her birthday card. She put it on the fridge. I hope she takes it down before her party.
I guess that's it.
Stacia
Monday, March 07, 2005
Total chaos. . . .in slow motion
Where to start? Well, how about here! I need spring break to be here NOW!!!! I am so tired that I think I am physically unable to do any more homework. And my apartment is a disaster area. And I have so much homework to do it's ridiculous. And I have mid-terms I need to grade. And I'm lecturing tomorrow for the first time ever. And I'm presenting a paper on Wed. for the first time ever. And I feel totally unprepared.
I really didn't think preparing a 50 minute lecture would be that hard. I mean, in the class I TA'd for last semester, the revolutions took two weeks, which is more than 4 hours. But then I realized, this isn't a history class, and they don't need to know every single name and every single detail. And hence, I'm 10 minutes short!!!! I've probably spent 8 hours preparing this lecture this weekend. I can't wait until it's over. Meanwhile, I'm so exhausted by the revolutions (two, there were two revolutions in Russia in 1917), that I really haven't done any other homework this weekend. And I think my brain probably exploded earlier today, I just haven't had the energy to go look. I haven't worked on the Wed. paper presentation at all. But at least I already have the 35 page paper written and just have to condense it into 12 pages. Shouldn't be that hard. (those will probably be my unfamous last words).
Mid-Terms: What can I say? Some of the answers to the essays are so banal and insipid that they aren't even worth the time to read. Some are just plain out wrong. Although, apparently Peter the Great was a Westernizer because he simplified Russia's tax system. (he didn't simplify it, but he did change it: I'm still trying to figure out what that has to do with Westernization). I'll let you know how those turn out. Other than that. . . .
Ok, can I let you in on a secret? I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't read this because she hasn't told me I'm going to hell yet. My mom turns 50 this week and my dad is throwing her a huge party next Saturday. My mom really wants me to come for this. We have her totally convinced that I'm not coming home because my spring break doesn't start until March 19th (why so late?). I even sent her a birthday card telling her I was sorry I wouldn't be there, and today on the phone I told her that I was doing some church thing next weekend. I am so excited and I can't wait to see the look on my mom's face when I get there. And after this week, I'll really need the break.
And, I e-mailed the former student I went out with this week and suggested we do it again. The answer was: let me know when and where and I'll be there. Hmmmmm!
Stacia
I really didn't think preparing a 50 minute lecture would be that hard. I mean, in the class I TA'd for last semester, the revolutions took two weeks, which is more than 4 hours. But then I realized, this isn't a history class, and they don't need to know every single name and every single detail. And hence, I'm 10 minutes short!!!! I've probably spent 8 hours preparing this lecture this weekend. I can't wait until it's over. Meanwhile, I'm so exhausted by the revolutions (two, there were two revolutions in Russia in 1917), that I really haven't done any other homework this weekend. And I think my brain probably exploded earlier today, I just haven't had the energy to go look. I haven't worked on the Wed. paper presentation at all. But at least I already have the 35 page paper written and just have to condense it into 12 pages. Shouldn't be that hard. (those will probably be my unfamous last words).
Mid-Terms: What can I say? Some of the answers to the essays are so banal and insipid that they aren't even worth the time to read. Some are just plain out wrong. Although, apparently Peter the Great was a Westernizer because he simplified Russia's tax system. (he didn't simplify it, but he did change it: I'm still trying to figure out what that has to do with Westernization). I'll let you know how those turn out. Other than that. . . .
Ok, can I let you in on a secret? I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't read this because she hasn't told me I'm going to hell yet. My mom turns 50 this week and my dad is throwing her a huge party next Saturday. My mom really wants me to come for this. We have her totally convinced that I'm not coming home because my spring break doesn't start until March 19th (why so late?). I even sent her a birthday card telling her I was sorry I wouldn't be there, and today on the phone I told her that I was doing some church thing next weekend. I am so excited and I can't wait to see the look on my mom's face when I get there. And after this week, I'll really need the break.
And, I e-mailed the former student I went out with this week and suggested we do it again. The answer was: let me know when and where and I'll be there. Hmmmmm!
Stacia
Thursday, March 03, 2005
That sucks!
Ok, so the birthday was ok, but not spectacular. Whatever. Today, I found out that this guy I know has put in his two weeks notice at work and is moving away. What sucks is that he hasn't contacted me to let me know this. Ok, so we're not great friends, but. . . .I fall asleep thinking about him a lot. I had asked him out and he told me he wasn't available, but he always made a point to talk to me whenever he saw me and told me he still considered me a friend. So, it's not like I ever expected him to really ever call me, but there was that little, itty bitty hope in the back of my brain that I might get at least one night of really hot sex. The dream is dead. No, he hasn't left yet, but really, what am I going to do, call him and offer one night of really hot sex? He knows I'm interested so, if that's what he wanted, wouldn't he call me? It just sucks, because he was pretty much the only really good looking guy my age in all of Madison.
On the other hand, a former student invited me out to drinks tonight, and we had a great time.
anyhow, I'm going to go pout and imagine all the great sex HE'S missing out on!
Stacia
On the other hand, a former student invited me out to drinks tonight, and we had a great time.
anyhow, I'm going to go pout and imagine all the great sex HE'S missing out on!
Stacia
Monday, February 28, 2005
Pre-birthday blues
Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 31, which means, I will officially be in my thirties. I guess that's fine. But, for the past four years I have always gotten a piercing for my birthday. This year, I wanted to get my nape pierced, or finish my belly button (I have 2, want 2 more). But I swim, and the piercer told me, that while he would do it, it wasn't a good idea. Which totally sucks because I really wanted to get it done, but I'm not giving up swimming either. That's how I retain what little sanity I have left. Totally sucks.
I did have a good weekend. I got so much homework done it was ridiculous. I think I may also be fighting off a cold or sinus infection or something. Hopefully it won't fully develop into something that kicks my ass. But regardless, I did get a lot of homework done. I checked out about 20 books on Friday, and one of them has already been recalled, and it's not one I read this weekend. I still get to keep the book for 10 more days, which I fully intend to, but still. And since I did so much homework this weekend, I have no motivation to do any today. That sucks.
Finally got to talk to Camille this morning. She and the baby are doing well. I can't wait to see them.
I guess that's about it. Tomorrow I actually have the day off (just plain luck, not planned) and I'm going to get my hair cut, and get decent looking eyebrows again. Going to renew my driver's license (after the haircut) and make myself a cake and open all my cards and gifts by myself. Moving away from family and friends really sucks around your birthday!
gotta get my stuff together to go to school,
Stacia
re-reading this, apparently the word of the day is: sucks.
I did have a good weekend. I got so much homework done it was ridiculous. I think I may also be fighting off a cold or sinus infection or something. Hopefully it won't fully develop into something that kicks my ass. But regardless, I did get a lot of homework done. I checked out about 20 books on Friday, and one of them has already been recalled, and it's not one I read this weekend. I still get to keep the book for 10 more days, which I fully intend to, but still. And since I did so much homework this weekend, I have no motivation to do any today. That sucks.
Finally got to talk to Camille this morning. She and the baby are doing well. I can't wait to see them.
I guess that's about it. Tomorrow I actually have the day off (just plain luck, not planned) and I'm going to get my hair cut, and get decent looking eyebrows again. Going to renew my driver's license (after the haircut) and make myself a cake and open all my cards and gifts by myself. Moving away from family and friends really sucks around your birthday!
gotta get my stuff together to go to school,
Stacia
re-reading this, apparently the word of the day is: sucks.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Various shades of longing: red
The way my face flames up when I see you, think of you, touch you, kiss you, lick you, suck you, enter you, finish you.
The color in which I live: the color of aggression, anger and bitterness.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color that makes me happy, and joyful,
the color that makes my heart ache for you.
The color which begins life and the color that ends life.
The color of a type of romance I don't understand and do not want.
Instead I want true red, and your true heart.
Give me what is mine.
Maybe I'll give you what is not yours, and never will be.
Red: the color of protection, of confusion, of despair.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color which engulfs my body and my soul when you see me, think of me, touch me, kiss me, lick me, suck me, enter me, finish me.
The color in which I live: the color of aggression, anger and bitterness.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color that makes me happy, and joyful,
the color that makes my heart ache for you.
The color which begins life and the color that ends life.
The color of a type of romance I don't understand and do not want.
Instead I want true red, and your true heart.
Give me what is mine.
Maybe I'll give you what is not yours, and never will be.
Red: the color of protection, of confusion, of despair.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color which engulfs my body and my soul when you see me, think of me, touch me, kiss me, lick me, suck me, enter me, finish me.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Irritated
I'm just as tired of school gripes as you are. But unfortunately, that's all I got! My mom did go visit Camille in the hospital and got to hold Francesca. I'm very jealous! That was also the first time she's ever met Bart, and she really liked him. Said he was very good-looking (he is) and very sweet and kind (he is that also). She said when he found out that she was my mom, he took pictures to send to me. I haven't got the pictures yet, but I thought that was nice.
So speaking of beautiful babies: Phoenix update. For Christmas, my aunt gave Phoenix all this rubber duckey stuff: bathrobe, bath matt, just anything you can think of. The other day, it was apparently 80 degrees in Dallas, so mom took Phoenix to the park, where there were lots and lots of real ducks. Of course, they don't look anything like the ducks he got for Christmas, but they sounded just like them. Mom said it was joyful watching Phoenix chase the ducks and that he just laughed and laughed. She said it wasn't happiness, it was pure joy. You know, the joy of a child, before they know what real pain is. The wonderment and amazement that we tend to forget as adults. Like when you're in the mountains at night and look up, and you see, really see, the millions and millions of stars, and how it makes you feel so small but so lucky at the same time, because you can experience this. I need a joyful moment like that. Maybe a joyful falling in love moment. Not someone falling in love with me, but the feeling you get when you realize you're falling for someone else and you have no control over everything, and then you get that smile, the one that let's you know that they feel the same way. I could use that moment. It's been way too long. My 31st birthday is a week from today. I guess that's what I'll wish for.
back to the homework, the great, wonderful, enlightening, never-ending, homework. Some of the other graduate students and I have decided that they should give out competency exams before someone enters grad school. You know, the kind they give in murder trials. The only problem is, they really could only accept those of us who failed, because really, who willing lives like this?
starry-eyed tonight,
Stacia
So speaking of beautiful babies: Phoenix update. For Christmas, my aunt gave Phoenix all this rubber duckey stuff: bathrobe, bath matt, just anything you can think of. The other day, it was apparently 80 degrees in Dallas, so mom took Phoenix to the park, where there were lots and lots of real ducks. Of course, they don't look anything like the ducks he got for Christmas, but they sounded just like them. Mom said it was joyful watching Phoenix chase the ducks and that he just laughed and laughed. She said it wasn't happiness, it was pure joy. You know, the joy of a child, before they know what real pain is. The wonderment and amazement that we tend to forget as adults. Like when you're in the mountains at night and look up, and you see, really see, the millions and millions of stars, and how it makes you feel so small but so lucky at the same time, because you can experience this. I need a joyful moment like that. Maybe a joyful falling in love moment. Not someone falling in love with me, but the feeling you get when you realize you're falling for someone else and you have no control over everything, and then you get that smile, the one that let's you know that they feel the same way. I could use that moment. It's been way too long. My 31st birthday is a week from today. I guess that's what I'll wish for.
back to the homework, the great, wonderful, enlightening, never-ending, homework. Some of the other graduate students and I have decided that they should give out competency exams before someone enters grad school. You know, the kind they give in murder trials. The only problem is, they really could only accept those of us who failed, because really, who willing lives like this?
starry-eyed tonight,
Stacia
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Congrats and H.B.
It's a very happy day. First CONGRATULATIONS to Bart and Camille. Their beautiful (and large, 8lbs. 13oz.) baby girl was born today at 11:22a. I haven't talked to them yet, but Camille left a message on my machine. Regardless of Francesca's size, Camille was only in labor for 2 hours, for which she is thankful. I can't wait to hold her.
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Andrea who turned 30 today. In addition to turning 30, she is also getting married this year. I'm sure this will be the best year ever for her.
Back to the homework,
Stacia
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Andrea who turned 30 today. In addition to turning 30, she is also getting married this year. I'm sure this will be the best year ever for her.
Back to the homework,
Stacia
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
Fiery hoops
My advisor thinks I should be spending at least 2 hours every day in the library researching to write my dissertation proposal. In addition to TAing this semester, I'm also taking 2 classes and reading for my pre-lims. I have four fields, and each fields list is more than a 100 books. So, let's look at my current schedule to figure out when I can hit the library.
Mondays: 6:00am wake up, journal, prepare myself mentally for the day. 6:45a, make breakfast, read comics, e-mail, ect. 7:15a, eat breakfast, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, 7:45a, read homework, 8:30a, practice piano, 9:00a, translate German article, 9:30a, read some more, 9:45a, make lunch, make sure all my stuff is in the backpack, 10:13a, leave for bus-stop.
11:00a, swim (for my mental health), 11:45a, shower, get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:15p, attend lecture for class I'm TAing, 2:15p, go to the library and read homework, 4:30p meet with Russian speaker and practice Russian, 6:30p, catch bus home.
7:00p, get home, make dinner, check mail, check e-mail. 8:00p work on applications for summer language program, 9:00p, work on papers or read more homework, 10:00p, do dishes and get ready for bed.
Tuesdays: See above from 6:00a to 10:13a
11:00a, office hours, 12:05p teach class, 1:20p, teach class, 2:25p teach class, 3:30p teach class. 4:30p, go to library, do homework 5:47p, catch bus home.
6:15p, check mail, e-mail, make dinner. 6:45p, eat dinner, 7:15p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Scrubs and whatever crap is on after it. 9:00p read homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.
Wednesdays: See above for 6:00a-10:13a.
11:00a, swim, 11:45a, shower and get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:20p, attend lecture, 2:20-3:30p, office hours, 3:30p go to library, research for paper, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:20p, make and eat dinner, 6:00p, go back to campus for study group, 8;45p, get home, check e-mail, do dishes, 9:30p, read homework, 10:00p, get ready for bed.
Thursdays: See above for 6:00a to 12:45a.
1:20p, go to seminar, 3:47p, catch bus home, 4:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. Read homework, 6:00p, make dinner, 6:30p, eat dinner, 7:00p, read homework, 9:00p, e-mail class, 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.
Fridays: See Mondays and Weds. from 6:00a to 2:20p. Every other Friday, at 2:30p, meet study group, otherwise, go to library, do research, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. 6:00p, make dinner, eat dinner, 6:45p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Reba, 9:00p, do dishes, get ready for bed, collapse.
Saturdays: 7:00a, get up, eat, read comics, check e-mail, shower. Stack up books, usually 6 of them, next to the couch. Sit on couch and read. Periodically get up to get more tea and pee. Every other Sat. volunteer at the WI historical museum. Go home, do more homework. At 8:00p, watch movie, and then go to bed.
Sunday: 8:00a, get up, eat, shower, check e-mail, 9:00a, go to church, 10:45a, get groceries, 11:30a, make lunch, read Sunday paper while eating lunch. Do homework all afternoon. Talk to mom on phone for an hour. 7:00p, watch Simpsons while eating dinner. 8:00p do more homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, go to bed.
I would just like to point out that this schedule does not include cleaning, laundry, or talking to anyone on the phone. So, when, WHEN, am I supposed to do anything extra? I'm not giving up my entire life!
The Russian horror movie was very interesting. It was called Night Watch and had English subtitles. It was Matrix/Star Wars/Army of Darkness, and the sequel comes out next year. We're trying to find the Russian book the movie was adapted from to try to figure out if it was supposed to be funny in certain parts.
Anyway, this blog has put me behind schedule.
Hope everyone managed to avoid feeling like shit today.
Stacia
Mondays: 6:00am wake up, journal, prepare myself mentally for the day. 6:45a, make breakfast, read comics, e-mail, ect. 7:15a, eat breakfast, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, 7:45a, read homework, 8:30a, practice piano, 9:00a, translate German article, 9:30a, read some more, 9:45a, make lunch, make sure all my stuff is in the backpack, 10:13a, leave for bus-stop.
11:00a, swim (for my mental health), 11:45a, shower, get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:15p, attend lecture for class I'm TAing, 2:15p, go to the library and read homework, 4:30p meet with Russian speaker and practice Russian, 6:30p, catch bus home.
7:00p, get home, make dinner, check mail, check e-mail. 8:00p work on applications for summer language program, 9:00p, work on papers or read more homework, 10:00p, do dishes and get ready for bed.
Tuesdays: See above from 6:00a to 10:13a
11:00a, office hours, 12:05p teach class, 1:20p, teach class, 2:25p teach class, 3:30p teach class. 4:30p, go to library, do homework 5:47p, catch bus home.
6:15p, check mail, e-mail, make dinner. 6:45p, eat dinner, 7:15p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Scrubs and whatever crap is on after it. 9:00p read homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.
Wednesdays: See above for 6:00a-10:13a.
11:00a, swim, 11:45a, shower and get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:20p, attend lecture, 2:20-3:30p, office hours, 3:30p go to library, research for paper, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:20p, make and eat dinner, 6:00p, go back to campus for study group, 8;45p, get home, check e-mail, do dishes, 9:30p, read homework, 10:00p, get ready for bed.
Thursdays: See above for 6:00a to 12:45a.
1:20p, go to seminar, 3:47p, catch bus home, 4:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. Read homework, 6:00p, make dinner, 6:30p, eat dinner, 7:00p, read homework, 9:00p, e-mail class, 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.
Fridays: See Mondays and Weds. from 6:00a to 2:20p. Every other Friday, at 2:30p, meet study group, otherwise, go to library, do research, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. 6:00p, make dinner, eat dinner, 6:45p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Reba, 9:00p, do dishes, get ready for bed, collapse.
Saturdays: 7:00a, get up, eat, read comics, check e-mail, shower. Stack up books, usually 6 of them, next to the couch. Sit on couch and read. Periodically get up to get more tea and pee. Every other Sat. volunteer at the WI historical museum. Go home, do more homework. At 8:00p, watch movie, and then go to bed.
Sunday: 8:00a, get up, eat, shower, check e-mail, 9:00a, go to church, 10:45a, get groceries, 11:30a, make lunch, read Sunday paper while eating lunch. Do homework all afternoon. Talk to mom on phone for an hour. 7:00p, watch Simpsons while eating dinner. 8:00p do more homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, go to bed.
I would just like to point out that this schedule does not include cleaning, laundry, or talking to anyone on the phone. So, when, WHEN, am I supposed to do anything extra? I'm not giving up my entire life!
The Russian horror movie was very interesting. It was called Night Watch and had English subtitles. It was Matrix/Star Wars/Army of Darkness, and the sequel comes out next year. We're trying to find the Russian book the movie was adapted from to try to figure out if it was supposed to be funny in certain parts.
Anyway, this blog has put me behind schedule.
Hope everyone managed to avoid feeling like shit today.
Stacia
Saturday, February 12, 2005
She doesn't get it.
The professor I'm TAing for won't be in town on Monday. In my way of thinking, that would have been a perfect day to ask a HISTORY or POLITICAL SCIENCE professor to guest lecture. So, what are we doing on Monday? We're watching the History channel's Russia: Land of the Tsars. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the history channel. But, when we could actually have a REAL professor give a lecture, why are we watching a 100 years of Russian history shoved into a 50 minute period? This is why the students don't like the class. I'm still trying to come up with a professional way to address the issue. I think I'm going to tell her the students are worried about the exams because all the lectures are over culture, but some of the readings are over history and political science, so therefore, what should the kids specifically study.
I need to offer a gigantic, huge, enormous, heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS to Wes. He has been promoted to officer. I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this. The downside: he had to sign on for 10 more years to accept the promotion. But, I guess we'll just work that out as need be. Not like anything else is making this pseudo-relationship easier, so what's one more thing? And I think I really am going to go visit him. That scares and excites me all at the same time.
Tonight my grad school friends (ok, only 2 of them: I do have more than 2 grad school friends) are having an anti-valentines day party. We are going to watch a Russian horror flick. I'm hoping it's going to be along the lines of Army of Darkness, but we'll see. I guess it has vampires and werewolves. I hope it has subtitles, although if it doesn't, I guess we can just make up dialogue in English. I'm sure that between the movie and the vodka (although I forgot to buys pickles!) it will be a great night.
Stacia
I need to offer a gigantic, huge, enormous, heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS to Wes. He has been promoted to officer. I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this. The downside: he had to sign on for 10 more years to accept the promotion. But, I guess we'll just work that out as need be. Not like anything else is making this pseudo-relationship easier, so what's one more thing? And I think I really am going to go visit him. That scares and excites me all at the same time.
Tonight my grad school friends (ok, only 2 of them: I do have more than 2 grad school friends) are having an anti-valentines day party. We are going to watch a Russian horror flick. I'm hoping it's going to be along the lines of Army of Darkness, but we'll see. I guess it has vampires and werewolves. I hope it has subtitles, although if it doesn't, I guess we can just make up dialogue in English. I'm sure that between the movie and the vodka (although I forgot to buys pickles!) it will be a great night.
Stacia
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
My aching feet!
Ok, no one can say that I'm not a dedicated TA. Today, the bus I was riding to school got hit, and it could have been up to an hour before the bus would leave (no, they wouldn't send us another one). Well, I had to teach in an hour, and I wanted to make copies of a Russian timeline before that. Therefore, I got off the bus, and, wearing 3 1/2 inch heel boots, proceeded to walk 2 miles in a half hour. And it snowed yesterday. I'm so glad I was wearing my cheap payless boots and not my suede boots. (knee-high, lace up: very sexy!). But I limped the rest of the day. I really love teaching. Can I get a raise?
Speaking of teaching: my students hate the class. It's not me (otherwise they wouldn't be griping to my face) but the professor. This is supposed to be an interdisciplinary class, covering history, political science, geography and Slavic studies. So far, it's covered two geography/history lectures and the rest have been culture. And the next three weeks are also culture. The students are, understandably, upset. This is my question: do I say something to the professor and hope she changes the format of the course? She's only given us a syllabus for the first half of the semester, maybe she could change the second half. I don't know what I should do. Although, it appears the students really like me. This is the first time this professor has taught this course, and usually, I'm told, more guest professors lecture. This could be a very successful class. I think I'll ask one of my other professors what they think I should do.
I'm going to go soak my feet and read about Peter, the Great (so he said),
Stacia
Speaking of teaching: my students hate the class. It's not me (otherwise they wouldn't be griping to my face) but the professor. This is supposed to be an interdisciplinary class, covering history, political science, geography and Slavic studies. So far, it's covered two geography/history lectures and the rest have been culture. And the next three weeks are also culture. The students are, understandably, upset. This is my question: do I say something to the professor and hope she changes the format of the course? She's only given us a syllabus for the first half of the semester, maybe she could change the second half. I don't know what I should do. Although, it appears the students really like me. This is the first time this professor has taught this course, and usually, I'm told, more guest professors lecture. This could be a very successful class. I think I'll ask one of my other professors what they think I should do.
I'm going to go soak my feet and read about Peter, the Great (so he said),
Stacia
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Etiquette
I live in a neighborhood with several group homes. You all know what I'm talking about. They're all harmless, and many of them work. One fellow often takes the same bus as I do. Yesterday when I was walking to the bus stop at 10:15am, as I was crossing the 6 lane major road the bus stop is on, I notice that this fellow is already at the bus stop. And then I noticed that he has decided to pee in the snow next the bus stop. Next to a major road. In plain view. He didn't even go behind the bushes that are RIGHT THERE! So, what do I do? Where do I look? Do I smile at him? Do I avoid eye contact? Do I ask why he didn't write his name, or make some other design? Does anyone know what the etiquette is when you catch someone peeing in the snow? I see him almost everyday. I guess I'm just going to remember not to eat the snow next to the bus stop.
Stacia
Stacia
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Small gripes
that add up to just piss me off. Like being sick all weekend. I had already scheduled a Doctor's appointment because to get into this Russian language summer program you have to be evaluated to be both physically and mentally fit. Monday morning, I get a call, the doctor is also sick, so they reschedule me for this morning. So I go in this morning with a killer headache, because I wanted to be able to tell the doctor exactly where it hurt. Well, they gave me the wrong time, so again, we had to reschedule, for this Friday. Totally sucks.
So I'm sick all weekend. I get behind in my homework. I have deadlines for funding applications and questions, and NO ONE will return my e-mails. What's up with that? And they want the application to be typed, but it's on a computer program where you can't add to the document, you can only print it out. Does anyone even own a typewriter any more? And they're tiny little boxes: even if I find a typewriter (I think the library might have one), how am I going to line the stupid thing up? I have to take a spoken and written language test tomorrow. I suck at tests. I am so bad at them, even in English. I know I'm going to bomb this and look like an idiot. I hate that. I hate the fact that it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I don't get any better at reading Russian and the fact that I'm too shy to try to speak it with others because I'm so bad at it.
I'm pissed about the fact that my apartment is more than 80 degrees. I can't figure out where the hell the heat is coming from, because my heat is not on. I hate the fact that my apartment is disgustingly filthy at this time and I don't feel like I have time to clean it. I want to know why my paycheck was $300 short and if this is going to occur every month, because I can't live on $635 a month. (not that I easily live on the usual $910, but it covers almost everything).
Most of all, I'm kind of pissed at Wes right now. Everytime we talk and I start to feel like this could be it, he disappears for a while. Why does he do that? Is he playing games with me? What's up with that? And I know he's dating people, but I don't care about that, so I just don't get it. Is it the fact that I don't care that he's dating other people? I don't have time for this crap right now.
And I'm pissed at myself for caring about the situation. I'm mad that I don't have the motivation to get off my ass and clean my apartment, do my homework, write my papers, fill out these applications. I still feel like crap, although the world isn't spinning anymore, so I guess that's good. I just want to get these applications filled out and sent so I can work on the next thing that has a deadline. I hate deadlines.
I'm going to go read about murder and anti-Semitism, because I know that'll make me feel so much better,
Stacia
So I'm sick all weekend. I get behind in my homework. I have deadlines for funding applications and questions, and NO ONE will return my e-mails. What's up with that? And they want the application to be typed, but it's on a computer program where you can't add to the document, you can only print it out. Does anyone even own a typewriter any more? And they're tiny little boxes: even if I find a typewriter (I think the library might have one), how am I going to line the stupid thing up? I have to take a spoken and written language test tomorrow. I suck at tests. I am so bad at them, even in English. I know I'm going to bomb this and look like an idiot. I hate that. I hate the fact that it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I don't get any better at reading Russian and the fact that I'm too shy to try to speak it with others because I'm so bad at it.
I'm pissed about the fact that my apartment is more than 80 degrees. I can't figure out where the hell the heat is coming from, because my heat is not on. I hate the fact that my apartment is disgustingly filthy at this time and I don't feel like I have time to clean it. I want to know why my paycheck was $300 short and if this is going to occur every month, because I can't live on $635 a month. (not that I easily live on the usual $910, but it covers almost everything).
Most of all, I'm kind of pissed at Wes right now. Everytime we talk and I start to feel like this could be it, he disappears for a while. Why does he do that? Is he playing games with me? What's up with that? And I know he's dating people, but I don't care about that, so I just don't get it. Is it the fact that I don't care that he's dating other people? I don't have time for this crap right now.
And I'm pissed at myself for caring about the situation. I'm mad that I don't have the motivation to get off my ass and clean my apartment, do my homework, write my papers, fill out these applications. I still feel like crap, although the world isn't spinning anymore, so I guess that's good. I just want to get these applications filled out and sent so I can work on the next thing that has a deadline. I hate deadlines.
I'm going to go read about murder and anti-Semitism, because I know that'll make me feel so much better,
Stacia
Friday, January 28, 2005
Laughing hysterically
See, I knew this would happen, I just thought I would have another week. But, alas, nature has worked against me and thus, I have the flu, which automatically puts me behind in the homework department. Do you know how hard it is to read and take notes and make sense of Russian history/gender theory/Jewish history/collapse of the Soviet Union, when you're sick. I don't understand gender theory when I'm not sick. In addition, I have funding applications due on Feb. 7th that I absolutely have to fill out this weekend. And I still have to attend lecture this afternoon. But I'm driving instead of taking the bus, because I get motion sick. I have, however, e-mailed all my friends to let them know to stay off the streets during the times I'm driving, just for their safety (unless they may be competing with me in the future job market; I forgot to e-mail those people). This is when I wish I had a boyfriend. I need milk, tampons and a DVD to watch this weekend. And there's a package at the post 0ffice, and I have to swing by the bookstore to get those two books I have to read by next Friday (along with the other six books I have to read by then, and that might actually be underestimating it). So a man this weekend could be useful; he could pick up all that crap and bring me a hot cup of tea every 20 minutes. And order me a pizza and better yet, pay for the pizza.
As if the flu weren't enough, I got some extremely bad news. For some stupid, idiotic, unknown, unexplainable reason, even if I take my pre-lims in the fall, I will not be dissertator status until the spring semester. For those of you who are wondering why it even matters, let me explain it. All the applications for research funding are due between Nov. and March. You have to be a dissertator to qualify and apply for funding. Therefore, I will miss half the deadlines for funding, which could possibly put me a year behind in my research. Yes, there are other things I can do for research during that year, but that's not the point. The point is, if I take my pre-lims, then I am a dissertator and want to start working on my dissertation. I told my advisor this last night, and she was very nice about the whole thing and said it wasn't my fault (which it isn't) and that I am exactly where I should be with everything else. I'm meeting with the department advisor on Monday to figure this out. I'll let you know how it turns out.
And finally, my friend Andrea, who is getting married, is calling me every week to give me wedding updates. I'm happy for her, I know she's excited, but if I ever get married again, I'm eloping. It's not worth the money, the time, the aggravation. Besides, everyone in my family whose had a successful marriage eloped: my grandparents (57 years), my parents (27 years), my aunt's third marriage (1 year). (ok, maybe that last one wasn't a good example).
ok, I'm going to crawl back to the couch and read about the collapse of the USSR. I'd rather be taking a nap! Hope everyone feels better than me.
Stacia
As if the flu weren't enough, I got some extremely bad news. For some stupid, idiotic, unknown, unexplainable reason, even if I take my pre-lims in the fall, I will not be dissertator status until the spring semester. For those of you who are wondering why it even matters, let me explain it. All the applications for research funding are due between Nov. and March. You have to be a dissertator to qualify and apply for funding. Therefore, I will miss half the deadlines for funding, which could possibly put me a year behind in my research. Yes, there are other things I can do for research during that year, but that's not the point. The point is, if I take my pre-lims, then I am a dissertator and want to start working on my dissertation. I told my advisor this last night, and she was very nice about the whole thing and said it wasn't my fault (which it isn't) and that I am exactly where I should be with everything else. I'm meeting with the department advisor on Monday to figure this out. I'll let you know how it turns out.
And finally, my friend Andrea, who is getting married, is calling me every week to give me wedding updates. I'm happy for her, I know she's excited, but if I ever get married again, I'm eloping. It's not worth the money, the time, the aggravation. Besides, everyone in my family whose had a successful marriage eloped: my grandparents (57 years), my parents (27 years), my aunt's third marriage (1 year). (ok, maybe that last one wasn't a good example).
ok, I'm going to crawl back to the couch and read about the collapse of the USSR. I'd rather be taking a nap! Hope everyone feels better than me.
Stacia
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
Second Week
It's the second week of school, and I'm a little worried, because looking at everything I have to do, I think I can do it. It'll be a lot of hard work, late nights, and little social life (like I have one anyway), but usually, I look at it all, laugh, and then pick and choose. And that's what worries me. I'm sure something will spring up, smack me in the head and then run, leaving me muddled, confused and laughing.
I had my first teaching sections yesterday. They went pretty well. Except they are all right in a row, so by the last one, I'm pretty much hoarse and tired. But all the groups seem good. However, last Friday, in the middle of lecture, the fire alarm went off. Well, I had left my coat in my office, because I wasn't leaving the building, so why drag a 50 lb. coat around. I ended up outside in a sweatshirt for 15 minutes. Yesterday, the fire alarm went off again, and again, I was coatless. I'm just wondering when the pneumonia will kick in. Interesting story (to me, anyway), one of my new students asked me if I ever go see local bands, which I do on occasion because I have a few musician friends. He then stated he was in a band and wanted to know if I would ever come see them. He'll let me know when they play next. Hmmmm. What was that all about?
Alright, I need to eat, and then get to study group. I also need to read an article before study group. I bet by next week I'm laughing hysterically.
Stacia
I had my first teaching sections yesterday. They went pretty well. Except they are all right in a row, so by the last one, I'm pretty much hoarse and tired. But all the groups seem good. However, last Friday, in the middle of lecture, the fire alarm went off. Well, I had left my coat in my office, because I wasn't leaving the building, so why drag a 50 lb. coat around. I ended up outside in a sweatshirt for 15 minutes. Yesterday, the fire alarm went off again, and again, I was coatless. I'm just wondering when the pneumonia will kick in. Interesting story (to me, anyway), one of my new students asked me if I ever go see local bands, which I do on occasion because I have a few musician friends. He then stated he was in a band and wanted to know if I would ever come see them. He'll let me know when they play next. Hmmmm. What was that all about?
Alright, I need to eat, and then get to study group. I also need to read an article before study group. I bet by next week I'm laughing hysterically.
Stacia
Saturday, January 22, 2005
What is it?
Wes called me this week. He was who I called drunk from my cousin's last weekend. He said the message was funny but not embarrassing in any major way. So that's good.
Those of you who know me, or have been reading for a while, know that Wes is an old friend of mine (since highschool) who is in the Navy. Since highschool we have remained in touch with each other, although sometimes a year would go by between times we talked. About 9 years ago Wes got married and proceeded to have two children. About 6 years ago, I lived with Wes's best friend and we almost got married. Five years ago, we broke up. Ever since then, I still hear from him every 6 months to a year as he tries to get me back. And he refuses to speak to Wes, because Wes and I are friends (yes, maturity was an issue in that relationship). And meanwhile, since highschool, my best friend Andrea has been convinced that Wes was madly in love with her, always would be. Not quite as exciting as Y&R, but close enough.
So, about a year and a half ago, Wes's wife picks up with their two kids and leaves Wes. I started hearing from him a lot more often, but we were friends, so why wouldn't he need a friend? I knew he was dating (ok, dating really isn't the right term, maybe dawging is a better term). Then he went out on ship for about 8 months. When he came back, he started calling a lot. And then he dropped a huge, gigantic bombshell. He thinks we should be together. And I don't mean in bed (although, there too) but in a relationship, like forever. Think, the M word. He doesn't mean now, but he realized his feelings for me have changed and deepened and that we are really good friends, so what more do you really want in a relationship. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. When you've been friends with someone that long, you don't really tend to think of them in that way. And besides, there is all that other stuff (see previous paragraph). And he lives there and I live here. And he's Wes. There was just no way. So, after a month of thinking about it, I told him I would be willing to see where the relationship went. It has been a couple of months since then. And I really have been thinking about it, and this is where I stand right now.
Men have always complained that I'm not romantic. I don't particularly enjoy flowers. Chocolate does nothing for me. I hate sweet talk and crap like that. And why do you think you have to call me twice a day? Why do you think you have to call once a day? If we're through having sex, get the hell out, no you can't spend the night. No cuddling. Sorry, I just don't get all gooey inside when I think about you. Instead, have an intelligent conversation with me about politics, finance, school, my research, music, art, literature, raising kids, cooking, traveling, goals, dreams and just life in general. Don't treat me like a women who needs to be saved from the world, her past, or herself. Treat me like an equal. Laugh with me. Be proud of me, not because of what you think you contributed to who I am, but because you get to be the friend of an incredibly cool woman. Don't be intimidated by my independence: encourage it. You don't have to worship me. But you should acknowledge that you could. And you should be independent and self-confident. Know that I'm not sleeping with the entire population of the world just because I didn't feel a need to talk to you for three days in a row. Know that when I cook for you, go out with you, rub your feet, listen to you complain about your day, or just laugh with you, that that's my way of letting you know how cool I think you are. When I have an intelligent conversation with you about politics, finance, school, my research, music, art, literature, raising kids, cooking, traveling, goals, dreams and just life in general, that's my way of appreciating you and letting you know that you're my equal. Wes does these things for me. This is how he treats me. And I realized that I could be married to Wes for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. So, just because the thought of Wes doesn't make me all gooey inside, does that mean I don't love him? He provides a stability for me that no one else ever has. He knows who he is, what he wants, and he knows what he has to do to get that. And he is willing to to those things. I really don't know what else I could ask for in a man.
What do you think?
Stacia
Those of you who know me, or have been reading for a while, know that Wes is an old friend of mine (since highschool) who is in the Navy. Since highschool we have remained in touch with each other, although sometimes a year would go by between times we talked. About 9 years ago Wes got married and proceeded to have two children. About 6 years ago, I lived with Wes's best friend and we almost got married. Five years ago, we broke up. Ever since then, I still hear from him every 6 months to a year as he tries to get me back. And he refuses to speak to Wes, because Wes and I are friends (yes, maturity was an issue in that relationship). And meanwhile, since highschool, my best friend Andrea has been convinced that Wes was madly in love with her, always would be. Not quite as exciting as Y&R, but close enough.
So, about a year and a half ago, Wes's wife picks up with their two kids and leaves Wes. I started hearing from him a lot more often, but we were friends, so why wouldn't he need a friend? I knew he was dating (ok, dating really isn't the right term, maybe dawging is a better term). Then he went out on ship for about 8 months. When he came back, he started calling a lot. And then he dropped a huge, gigantic bombshell. He thinks we should be together. And I don't mean in bed (although, there too) but in a relationship, like forever. Think, the M word. He doesn't mean now, but he realized his feelings for me have changed and deepened and that we are really good friends, so what more do you really want in a relationship. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. When you've been friends with someone that long, you don't really tend to think of them in that way. And besides, there is all that other stuff (see previous paragraph). And he lives there and I live here. And he's Wes. There was just no way. So, after a month of thinking about it, I told him I would be willing to see where the relationship went. It has been a couple of months since then. And I really have been thinking about it, and this is where I stand right now.
Men have always complained that I'm not romantic. I don't particularly enjoy flowers. Chocolate does nothing for me. I hate sweet talk and crap like that. And why do you think you have to call me twice a day? Why do you think you have to call once a day? If we're through having sex, get the hell out, no you can't spend the night. No cuddling. Sorry, I just don't get all gooey inside when I think about you. Instead, have an intelligent conversation with me about politics, finance, school, my research, music, art, literature, raising kids, cooking, traveling, goals, dreams and just life in general. Don't treat me like a women who needs to be saved from the world, her past, or herself. Treat me like an equal. Laugh with me. Be proud of me, not because of what you think you contributed to who I am, but because you get to be the friend of an incredibly cool woman. Don't be intimidated by my independence: encourage it. You don't have to worship me. But you should acknowledge that you could. And you should be independent and self-confident. Know that I'm not sleeping with the entire population of the world just because I didn't feel a need to talk to you for three days in a row. Know that when I cook for you, go out with you, rub your feet, listen to you complain about your day, or just laugh with you, that that's my way of letting you know how cool I think you are. When I have an intelligent conversation with you about politics, finance, school, my research, music, art, literature, raising kids, cooking, traveling, goals, dreams and just life in general, that's my way of appreciating you and letting you know that you're my equal. Wes does these things for me. This is how he treats me. And I realized that I could be married to Wes for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. So, just because the thought of Wes doesn't make me all gooey inside, does that mean I don't love him? He provides a stability for me that no one else ever has. He knows who he is, what he wants, and he knows what he has to do to get that. And he is willing to to those things. I really don't know what else I could ask for in a man.
What do you think?
Stacia
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
First Day
Well, actually yesterday was the first day of the semester, but today was my first day back. This morning, my friend Sarah and I met and went swimming. A full mile, which is 35 laps (not the previously mentioned 33). And, I am now exhausted. I hope I get into better shape quickly, because I can't afford to be this tired all the time.
Since I am TAing for a class, I must go to all the lectures, in addition to the 4 discussion sections I teach. The first lecture was today. Let's just say, that as of this morning, I still had not received a syllabus. I met with a different professor yesterday who referred to the professor I'm TAing for as a dingbat. He also said it's a good thing I've got it together. This makes me very nervous, because it doesn't appear that she's a very good lecturer, and that she also wants to slightly micro-manage MY classes. There might be some problems, but I'll figure something out.
I'm taking two "classes" this semester. One of them meets tomorrow, and the other is an independent reading class, so we meet whenever we both can meet (and I've actually done some work). I'm also working (slowly) on my pre-lim list. Therefore, I will be very busy this semester, but I must admit, I'm much happier in school.
I guess that's about it for now. I'm going to drag my ass to the couch and highlight the syllabus I finally got and organize myself for the next week. Good luck to all of you who also started school this week. May we all be bright, alert and cheerful on little sleep.
Stacia
Since I am TAing for a class, I must go to all the lectures, in addition to the 4 discussion sections I teach. The first lecture was today. Let's just say, that as of this morning, I still had not received a syllabus. I met with a different professor yesterday who referred to the professor I'm TAing for as a dingbat. He also said it's a good thing I've got it together. This makes me very nervous, because it doesn't appear that she's a very good lecturer, and that she also wants to slightly micro-manage MY classes. There might be some problems, but I'll figure something out.
I'm taking two "classes" this semester. One of them meets tomorrow, and the other is an independent reading class, so we meet whenever we both can meet (and I've actually done some work). I'm also working (slowly) on my pre-lim list. Therefore, I will be very busy this semester, but I must admit, I'm much happier in school.
I guess that's about it for now. I'm going to drag my ass to the couch and highlight the syllabus I finally got and organize myself for the next week. Good luck to all of you who also started school this week. May we all be bright, alert and cheerful on little sleep.
Stacia
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Full
I had a great weekend! I went up to Minneapolis to visit my cousin Suniel and his wife Amanda. Ok, I went to visit my friend Amanda, who happens to be married to my cousin. The weather was great driving up there (and back), except it was a little cold. Friday night we went to a great Thai restaurant and the food was delicious. Saturday we went to the Minneapolis Institute of Art. The place is amazing, huge and amazing. I'm so glad we went and I would recommend it to all of you. Saturday night, we stayed home, ate leftovers, and got really, really drunk. It was so nice. I have not drank like that in a long time and I really needed it before school starts again. If you got any voicemails from me while I was intoxicated, I apologize. I know I made at least one call. Sunday, we went to this great Cuban place for breakfast/lunch. Again, excellent food. Amanda is a wonderful cook and she also knows all the good places to eat. Then I drove home. I'm a little tired, but feel like I'm ready for the semester. I really like Amanda: she is an amazing woman. I feel so thankful that she is part of our family. I love talking to her about everything, because we just seem a lot a like. So, this weekend was exactly what I needed.
Stacia
Stacia
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Last weekend
Well, this is it. This is the last weekend of freedom before school starts. And, thankfully, it looks like the weather is on my side, because I am driving to Minneapolis this weekend to see family. Family I like! Cousins family! My age. So we'll have fun, and not have to play games (which I do like, but it gets old), we can drink (which I can't do at home at all) and just hang and not have to answer questions about when I'll settle down and get married and have kids and finally get a job so my parents don't have to support me. You know what, if my parents want to help support me, it's none of your damn business! I've already agreed to take care of them in their old age. So I will have fun and I think we're going to at least one art museum, which is, in my opinion, the best date option there is (just in case anyone needed any ideas before asking me out). And then when I get back, let the chaos begin.
I saw my friend Sean yesterday, which just leads me to a few questions. First, I asked him about his thesis, because he is on the verge of being asked to leave school because it's taking him so long to finish. He told me, he's too distracted over breaks to work much. HE DOES NOT OWN A TV. It's not like he's sitting at home watching porn all day, so what the hell is distracting you so much that you can't work on your thesis? Second, he read over my paper, which my professor has already told me is an AB paper and just needs a few minor changes for me to get an A. Sean said he didn't know if I could do it before school started. Which explains why he is still working on his thesis. All I need to do is fix the footnotes (1 and 1/2 hours), change some grammar mistakes (1 hour), add a few sentences (2 hours) to strengthen the argument and then, re-read the entire paper and make sure everything sounds great (3 hours). And it might not take that long. How could I not get that finished in three days? And finally, I was talking to him about Wes, and said that since we've been friends so long I had long ago quit thinking of him in a sexual way. Blank stare. He said as a guy, he had no idea what I was talking about. Does that mean that Sean thinks about nailing me? And I really don't want to know if that's the case, because then I would have to kick his ass.
In conclusion, I leave you with this Chinese proverb I lifted out of Reader's Digest.
There is no economy is going to bed early to save candles if the result be twins.
Stacia
I saw my friend Sean yesterday, which just leads me to a few questions. First, I asked him about his thesis, because he is on the verge of being asked to leave school because it's taking him so long to finish. He told me, he's too distracted over breaks to work much. HE DOES NOT OWN A TV. It's not like he's sitting at home watching porn all day, so what the hell is distracting you so much that you can't work on your thesis? Second, he read over my paper, which my professor has already told me is an AB paper and just needs a few minor changes for me to get an A. Sean said he didn't know if I could do it before school started. Which explains why he is still working on his thesis. All I need to do is fix the footnotes (1 and 1/2 hours), change some grammar mistakes (1 hour), add a few sentences (2 hours) to strengthen the argument and then, re-read the entire paper and make sure everything sounds great (3 hours). And it might not take that long. How could I not get that finished in three days? And finally, I was talking to him about Wes, and said that since we've been friends so long I had long ago quit thinking of him in a sexual way. Blank stare. He said as a guy, he had no idea what I was talking about. Does that mean that Sean thinks about nailing me? And I really don't want to know if that's the case, because then I would have to kick his ass.
In conclusion, I leave you with this Chinese proverb I lifted out of Reader's Digest.
There is no economy is going to bed early to save candles if the result be twins.
Stacia
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Getting closer
So, the sucky part about being a graduate student is that even though, technically speaking, I'm on winter break, I actually have papers to write, books to read, applications to fill out and a whole bunch of other school related crap to do. In addition, I'm still utterly exhausted from last semester. I feel like I can catch up on my sleep and not get as much done right now, which means I'll have to do it during the semester along with everything else, eventually robbing me of more sleep, or I can just remain tired, since this is how I'm going to feel all semester anyway. What a win-win situation! But, I am almost finished with my Zionist paper, which I think I've been working on my entire adult life. She tells me if I make just a few more changes, it'll be an A paper. Therefore, I've been making those changes today, will meet with my friend Sean tomorrow, and go over the paper with him (I've e-mailed it to him) and then make the few changes he has suggested and then hopefully, I will get that damn A. And then, she wants me to start working on my dissertation proposal immediately, even though I'm not even taking my pre-lims until the fall. But this way, I can apply for funding right away. I've got to get the funding. Meanwhile, the Russian program I wanted to go on this summer, requires many, many things for their application, including a 500 word essay in RUSSIAN! Yes, you read that right. Even though there are many days when I feel like I couldn't write a 500 word essay in English (ok, I just wrote a 35 page paper, so that really isn't that hard), there's still very little chance I could write a decent, much less a good, essay in Russian. But I'm still going to try. I wonder if I can write it about how tired I am?
Catch-22. Andrea's wedding is July 24th. The Russian program is June 7th-Aug. 7th. Does anyone else see the scheduling conflict? So part of me hopes I don't get accepted into the summer program anyway, because I want to be in Andrea's wedding. She's going to wait as long as possible to ask someone else to be a bridesmaid, but even if I don't go to Russia, I may not be in the wedding. But at least then I would get to go. She called the other night and we had a great conversation about Wes. I guess she's decided that since she's getting married, it's kind of silly of her to voice opposition to the fact that he has expressed interest in me (yes, at this point, that is the extent of the steamy "relationship" between us, other than the 15 year friendship). She thinks we are highly compatible, but did express some very valid concerns, which I appreciated. I could tell the idea bothers her a little, because she did mention it might be awkward, at first, if we did hook up, but that she was absolutely committed to our friendship, for the rest of our lives. And I have to admit, I was greatly relieved because I respect, admire, and love Andrea very much. And, most of the time, I like her too!
Yesterday was a very successful man day, as far as I was concerned. No, no one asked me out, but I did get to talk to two different guys, both whom I would like to go out with. And both remembered my name, and even, dare I say it, seemed somewhat happy to see me. I should also mention, I looked really good. Then I went shopping with a friend, and bought a little, incredibly sexy, red dress (I already own a couple of little black dresses). Now I just need to find a place to wear it.
ok, I suppose I should do more work on that paper. I hope everyone is staying warm and dry,
Stacia
Catch-22. Andrea's wedding is July 24th. The Russian program is June 7th-Aug. 7th. Does anyone else see the scheduling conflict? So part of me hopes I don't get accepted into the summer program anyway, because I want to be in Andrea's wedding. She's going to wait as long as possible to ask someone else to be a bridesmaid, but even if I don't go to Russia, I may not be in the wedding. But at least then I would get to go. She called the other night and we had a great conversation about Wes. I guess she's decided that since she's getting married, it's kind of silly of her to voice opposition to the fact that he has expressed interest in me (yes, at this point, that is the extent of the steamy "relationship" between us, other than the 15 year friendship). She thinks we are highly compatible, but did express some very valid concerns, which I appreciated. I could tell the idea bothers her a little, because she did mention it might be awkward, at first, if we did hook up, but that she was absolutely committed to our friendship, for the rest of our lives. And I have to admit, I was greatly relieved because I respect, admire, and love Andrea very much. And, most of the time, I like her too!
Yesterday was a very successful man day, as far as I was concerned. No, no one asked me out, but I did get to talk to two different guys, both whom I would like to go out with. And both remembered my name, and even, dare I say it, seemed somewhat happy to see me. I should also mention, I looked really good. Then I went shopping with a friend, and bought a little, incredibly sexy, red dress (I already own a couple of little black dresses). Now I just need to find a place to wear it.
ok, I suppose I should do more work on that paper. I hope everyone is staying warm and dry,
Stacia
Friday, January 07, 2005
Smile
You ever hear that one song, that for some reason makes you smile and your heart ache, all at the same time? Right now, for me, that song is Mr. Brightside by the Killers. I don't exactly know why, but there's just something about it.
My friend Andrea is getting married. I am extremely happy for her. My friend Jamie just sent me pictures of her brand new baby. I am ecstatic for her. My friend Tiffany is due, after two years of trying to get pregnant, in June. It couldn't happen to a better person. My friend Sarah and her husband just bought a house. I'm so glad they will be able to garden. My friend Tonya and her husband just bought a house. They need the space for their three kids. My friend Camille and Bart are about to have their third child. I told her if she's born on my birthday, I get her as a present. My cousin Niel and his wife Amanda are looking to buy a house. I hope they find one they love. My cousin Creed is marrying the mother of his child this summer. They are perfect together.
Do you see a pattern here? Turns out, I'm the last single, childless woman I know. Now, I am divorced, so I know what a god-awful marriage is like, but I've never been pregnant. The dynamics of friendship changes when one of you gets married or has a child. It's not a bad thing, it's just different. While I'm complaining that I'm spending yet another Friday night alone, they're thinking, god, I would kill for any time alone. And I should add, I am single by choice. I just came to the conclusion that the men who were interested in me didn't place as much belief in me and my future as I did. Once I meet someone who can do that, and I can do that for him, then I know it's the right guy. But I still need to feel sexy and beautiful and that's kind of hard to do when you never leave your apartment. Having Wes show interest helps: I'm shaving more and starting to buy more sexy clothes. Clothes that will sit in my closet and never get worn. But at least I know that part of me is still alive. I know timing is never right for a relationship, but right now is just a terrible time to think about one at all. I'm leaving to live in Russia within the next 12 months (no later than 15). How many guys do you know would be willing to live in Russia for a year or so? And I really want to have sex, but not dirty, one-night stand, or even bed buddy sex. I want to have sex with someone I trust, and know, and love (or think I could love). Someone who's not going to disappear, or be creepy. But someone who understands me. Someone who looks at me like I am the only women on the face of the earth. The only one they ever want to be with forever. The only woman who could make them forget they were ever with anyone else.
Only five more years until I'm finished with school.
Stacia
My friend Andrea is getting married. I am extremely happy for her. My friend Jamie just sent me pictures of her brand new baby. I am ecstatic for her. My friend Tiffany is due, after two years of trying to get pregnant, in June. It couldn't happen to a better person. My friend Sarah and her husband just bought a house. I'm so glad they will be able to garden. My friend Tonya and her husband just bought a house. They need the space for their three kids. My friend Camille and Bart are about to have their third child. I told her if she's born on my birthday, I get her as a present. My cousin Niel and his wife Amanda are looking to buy a house. I hope they find one they love. My cousin Creed is marrying the mother of his child this summer. They are perfect together.
Do you see a pattern here? Turns out, I'm the last single, childless woman I know. Now, I am divorced, so I know what a god-awful marriage is like, but I've never been pregnant. The dynamics of friendship changes when one of you gets married or has a child. It's not a bad thing, it's just different. While I'm complaining that I'm spending yet another Friday night alone, they're thinking, god, I would kill for any time alone. And I should add, I am single by choice. I just came to the conclusion that the men who were interested in me didn't place as much belief in me and my future as I did. Once I meet someone who can do that, and I can do that for him, then I know it's the right guy. But I still need to feel sexy and beautiful and that's kind of hard to do when you never leave your apartment. Having Wes show interest helps: I'm shaving more and starting to buy more sexy clothes. Clothes that will sit in my closet and never get worn. But at least I know that part of me is still alive. I know timing is never right for a relationship, but right now is just a terrible time to think about one at all. I'm leaving to live in Russia within the next 12 months (no later than 15). How many guys do you know would be willing to live in Russia for a year or so? And I really want to have sex, but not dirty, one-night stand, or even bed buddy sex. I want to have sex with someone I trust, and know, and love (or think I could love). Someone who's not going to disappear, or be creepy. But someone who understands me. Someone who looks at me like I am the only women on the face of the earth. The only one they ever want to be with forever. The only woman who could make them forget they were ever with anyone else.
Only five more years until I'm finished with school.
Stacia
Thursday, January 06, 2005
Snow and students
Today, I spent 20 minutes digging my car out so I could drive to the gym and swim. I shaved 7 minutes off my swim time, and hope to shave off another 7. That would put me at 30 laps (33= 1 mile) in 35 minutes. I want to swim before my classes this semester, but I have to eat and get ready too. I think I can do it. I also thought that since I was driving towards the downtown of the state capital that the roads would be sufficiently plowed. Apparently, even though I only drove on major roads, the city feels it's only necessary to plow them every 24 hours, even though it snowed for 24 hours straight. And don't get me started on other drivers, including the one who ran a red light and almost broadsided me.
And even though it is winter break, I received an e-mail from a very upset student because the grade I gave him meant that since he was already on academic probation, he was kicked out of school. He didn't understand why, even though he skipped class and the weekly papers (total of 35% of grade) he received such a low (but passing) grade. Now he wants me to write a letter to the board of whatever explaining that his work was good (when he did it), but he was absent a lot. Yeah, don't think that's going to happen. Attending class IS part of the work. And if you're already on academic probation, don't you think you'd make sure you got good grades? I don't know, maybe that's just me.
I got my Christmas pictures back today, and boy, my nephew is cute! Also got a good picture of him with my brother. Mom told me my brother, Craig, finally cut his hair. It was very long, because since both sides of the family are bald, he knew he had to enjoy it while he could. Problem is, he should have shaved his head at least a year ago. It's over Craig. I know you're only 25, but, you are thinning badly, receding quickly, and you do have a bald spot on the back of your head. Unfortunately, mom said he couldn't let it all go, so he shaved it into a skunk. He will completely shave his head before his next trial date for custody though. Thank God!
And finally, even though I'm technically on break, I'm trying to read for my pre-lims. Would somebody please explain this to me? I'm reading a book called Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Let me quote some for you: "As an antimetaphorical activity, incorporation literalizes the loss on or in the body and so appears as the facticity of the body, the means by which the body comes to bear "sex" as its literal truth. The localization and/or prohibition of pleasure and desires in given "erotogenic" zones is precisely the kind of gender-differentiating melancholy that suffuses the body's surface." (p. 68). The whole book is like this! I understand about 1 sentence out of each chapter. What the hell is she talking about????? I'm a girl because I have a vagina. Why isn't that good enough?
If any of you are male or female for ANY OTHER REASON than the fact that you have a penis or vagina, please let me know. It would help me out greatly. (and yes, I do know several transgender/transexual people, and no, they can't clear this up either).
Stay out of the snow, but go to class,
Stacia
And even though it is winter break, I received an e-mail from a very upset student because the grade I gave him meant that since he was already on academic probation, he was kicked out of school. He didn't understand why, even though he skipped class and the weekly papers (total of 35% of grade) he received such a low (but passing) grade. Now he wants me to write a letter to the board of whatever explaining that his work was good (when he did it), but he was absent a lot. Yeah, don't think that's going to happen. Attending class IS part of the work. And if you're already on academic probation, don't you think you'd make sure you got good grades? I don't know, maybe that's just me.
I got my Christmas pictures back today, and boy, my nephew is cute! Also got a good picture of him with my brother. Mom told me my brother, Craig, finally cut his hair. It was very long, because since both sides of the family are bald, he knew he had to enjoy it while he could. Problem is, he should have shaved his head at least a year ago. It's over Craig. I know you're only 25, but, you are thinning badly, receding quickly, and you do have a bald spot on the back of your head. Unfortunately, mom said he couldn't let it all go, so he shaved it into a skunk. He will completely shave his head before his next trial date for custody though. Thank God!
And finally, even though I'm technically on break, I'm trying to read for my pre-lims. Would somebody please explain this to me? I'm reading a book called Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Let me quote some for you: "As an antimetaphorical activity, incorporation literalizes the loss on or in the body and so appears as the facticity of the body, the means by which the body comes to bear "sex" as its literal truth. The localization and/or prohibition of pleasure and desires in given "erotogenic" zones is precisely the kind of gender-differentiating melancholy that suffuses the body's surface." (p. 68). The whole book is like this! I understand about 1 sentence out of each chapter. What the hell is she talking about????? I'm a girl because I have a vagina. Why isn't that good enough?
If any of you are male or female for ANY OTHER REASON than the fact that you have a penis or vagina, please let me know. It would help me out greatly. (and yes, I do know several transgender/transexual people, and no, they can't clear this up either).
Stay out of the snow, but go to class,
Stacia
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
Christmas update
or, it's been enough time, I can finally discuss it.
But, before that, I am so excited because I am going to go visit my cousin Amanda in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to see her (oh, yeah, my other family too!). We haven't seen each other in ages, and there's always other people around. Maybe we'll get some girl time to just talk and bitch about relationships.
Ok, back to Christmas. First, the good stuff. My nephew, Phoenix, is amazing. He's 16 months old, and it was absolutely mind-boggling what he learned in just the one week I visited. When I got there, he could walk, but looked a little like I used to on Saturday night (when I used to have a social life). He ALWAYS crawled to a wall to stand up. By the end of the week, he was trying (unsuccessfully) to RUN! And, the last day I was there, the little man tried to stand up in the MIDDLE OF THE ROOM! I don't think he even knew he hadn't crawled to a wall. He fell right away, but just the fact that he tried amazed me. He is starting to look like a little boy, but he's only 28 inches tall. Corinne is very short, and Craig isn't that tall for a guy, so Phoenix might be doomed to shortdom. But he'll be very cute. His hair is a silver-blond, and he has Corinne's grey eyes. I was really hoping he would get Craig's beautiful sea-blue eyes, but doesn't look like it. He can do a number of other baby things, and he has dimples. He's just really cute, but a little fussy (much like my brother at that age). Just wish I saw him more often.
As for gifts, I made out all right. I got a DVD player and hopefully, if mom and dad shipped when they said they did, I'll get it before this weekend. I got four cookbooks, and two other books to boot, so my luggage coming home was very heavy! Camille got me a beautiful photo-album. I'm going to put my Germany (Summer 2003) pictures in it, probably tonight. My aunt made me this denim purse which would be great if 1) I was 10, 2) it was the 80's, or 3) I was white trash. But none of these is true. And by denim, I mean she cut a pair of jeans at the crotch and made the top half a purse, complete with red bandana belt and straps! I told my parents not to bother to ship that. Overall I was very happy with my gifts.
Other delightful Christmas news: My sister's boyfriend got her a ring for Christmas. I guess he got it just because "he loves me." Now, I am of the opinion of my cousin, who stated that promise rings are like putting your girlfriend on layaway. And my sister is barely 18, and they have been dating less than 6 months. So, like my parents, I was not too pleased about this gift. But, I do like her boyfriend, and it was a beautiful ring. I kept my opinion to myself (and for those of you who know me, you know that was hard to do!). Andrea's man finally proposed. Their anniversary is on January 1st, and last year (their third anniversary) she gave him a one year ultimatum about proposing. He may have waited until the last minute, but he bought the ring before she gave him the ultimatum. He said every time he planned to propose, something happened. The ring is beautiful. Andrea is happy. EXCEPT, she is convinced Wes and I are dating. Which we are not. She can believe what she wants. Neither Wes nor I is willing to do the long distance thing.
Finally, when I got home, there were 5 hang up calls on my answering machine from a blocked call. Anyone want to venture any guesses? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know who it was, and all I can say, I'm glad he hasn't called since I've been home.
that's it, thanks for stopping by, have a great year,
Stacia
But, before that, I am so excited because I am going to go visit my cousin Amanda in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to see her (oh, yeah, my other family too!). We haven't seen each other in ages, and there's always other people around. Maybe we'll get some girl time to just talk and bitch about relationships.
Ok, back to Christmas. First, the good stuff. My nephew, Phoenix, is amazing. He's 16 months old, and it was absolutely mind-boggling what he learned in just the one week I visited. When I got there, he could walk, but looked a little like I used to on Saturday night (when I used to have a social life). He ALWAYS crawled to a wall to stand up. By the end of the week, he was trying (unsuccessfully) to RUN! And, the last day I was there, the little man tried to stand up in the MIDDLE OF THE ROOM! I don't think he even knew he hadn't crawled to a wall. He fell right away, but just the fact that he tried amazed me. He is starting to look like a little boy, but he's only 28 inches tall. Corinne is very short, and Craig isn't that tall for a guy, so Phoenix might be doomed to shortdom. But he'll be very cute. His hair is a silver-blond, and he has Corinne's grey eyes. I was really hoping he would get Craig's beautiful sea-blue eyes, but doesn't look like it. He can do a number of other baby things, and he has dimples. He's just really cute, but a little fussy (much like my brother at that age). Just wish I saw him more often.
As for gifts, I made out all right. I got a DVD player and hopefully, if mom and dad shipped when they said they did, I'll get it before this weekend. I got four cookbooks, and two other books to boot, so my luggage coming home was very heavy! Camille got me a beautiful photo-album. I'm going to put my Germany (Summer 2003) pictures in it, probably tonight. My aunt made me this denim purse which would be great if 1) I was 10, 2) it was the 80's, or 3) I was white trash. But none of these is true. And by denim, I mean she cut a pair of jeans at the crotch and made the top half a purse, complete with red bandana belt and straps! I told my parents not to bother to ship that. Overall I was very happy with my gifts.
Other delightful Christmas news: My sister's boyfriend got her a ring for Christmas. I guess he got it just because "he loves me." Now, I am of the opinion of my cousin, who stated that promise rings are like putting your girlfriend on layaway. And my sister is barely 18, and they have been dating less than 6 months. So, like my parents, I was not too pleased about this gift. But, I do like her boyfriend, and it was a beautiful ring. I kept my opinion to myself (and for those of you who know me, you know that was hard to do!). Andrea's man finally proposed. Their anniversary is on January 1st, and last year (their third anniversary) she gave him a one year ultimatum about proposing. He may have waited until the last minute, but he bought the ring before she gave him the ultimatum. He said every time he planned to propose, something happened. The ring is beautiful. Andrea is happy. EXCEPT, she is convinced Wes and I are dating. Which we are not. She can believe what she wants. Neither Wes nor I is willing to do the long distance thing.
Finally, when I got home, there were 5 hang up calls on my answering machine from a blocked call. Anyone want to venture any guesses? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know who it was, and all I can say, I'm glad he hasn't called since I've been home.
that's it, thanks for stopping by, have a great year,
Stacia
Saturday, January 01, 2005
New Year Resolutions
Yes, I do resolutions every year. I also do 10 year goals, 5 year goals and 1 year goals. I guess I know where I want to go and what I need to do to get there. Just want to stay focused.
New Year Resolutions:
To pray more consistently for my family and friends: for their physical and emotional safety and well-being and for healing of wounds and relationships.
To practice piano for at least 15 minutes a day.
To read my Russian Bible every day. And to also read a Russian newspaper every day.
To read German for 15 minutes everyday.
To swim three times a week and do my back exercises twice a week.
To cook a new meal at least once a week (I got 4 new cookbooks for Christmas).
To write my Grandparents at least once a month.
To start my Russian baby fund.
To attend a musical event at the university once a month (hey, it's cheap and I'll kick myself later if I don't).
One year goals:
Take (and pass) my preliminaries!
Spend the summer in Russia, and become much more fluent in Russian.
Get my dissertation proposal approved.
Apply for research funding.
Five year goals:
Graduate with my Ph.D. in Modern European History, emphasis on Russia/USSR history, and European Jewry.
Adopt first Russian baby.
These two goals moved this year, from 10 years to 5, and this is the first time they have seemed to be in reach, and not just some far off dream. That's kind of scary.
Visit 5 countries I've never visited before, not in North America (I'm going to be in Russia at least a year, so this shouldn't be that hard to accomplish).
Visit Canada.
Visit at least two states in the USA I've never visited before.
Ten year goals:
Have tenture somewhere I actually want to live and work.
Own a house.
Adopt second baby.
Visit 2 more foreign countries.
Visit 2 more states in the USA.
Just so you all know, I want to visit everywhere before I die (and yes, I do mean everywhere!).
I think that's about it. I should probably resolve to spend more time on myself and less on school, but this is really the final stretch, so I can wait.
hope everyone has a wonderful new year!
Stacia
New Year Resolutions:
To pray more consistently for my family and friends: for their physical and emotional safety and well-being and for healing of wounds and relationships.
To practice piano for at least 15 minutes a day.
To read my Russian Bible every day. And to also read a Russian newspaper every day.
To read German for 15 minutes everyday.
To swim three times a week and do my back exercises twice a week.
To cook a new meal at least once a week (I got 4 new cookbooks for Christmas).
To write my Grandparents at least once a month.
To start my Russian baby fund.
To attend a musical event at the university once a month (hey, it's cheap and I'll kick myself later if I don't).
One year goals:
Take (and pass) my preliminaries!
Spend the summer in Russia, and become much more fluent in Russian.
Get my dissertation proposal approved.
Apply for research funding.
Five year goals:
Graduate with my Ph.D. in Modern European History, emphasis on Russia/USSR history, and European Jewry.
Adopt first Russian baby.
These two goals moved this year, from 10 years to 5, and this is the first time they have seemed to be in reach, and not just some far off dream. That's kind of scary.
Visit 5 countries I've never visited before, not in North America (I'm going to be in Russia at least a year, so this shouldn't be that hard to accomplish).
Visit Canada.
Visit at least two states in the USA I've never visited before.
Ten year goals:
Have tenture somewhere I actually want to live and work.
Own a house.
Adopt second baby.
Visit 2 more foreign countries.
Visit 2 more states in the USA.
Just so you all know, I want to visit everywhere before I die (and yes, I do mean everywhere!).
I think that's about it. I should probably resolve to spend more time on myself and less on school, but this is really the final stretch, so I can wait.
hope everyone has a wonderful new year!
Stacia
Friday, December 31, 2004
I'm back!
Well, I'd love to give an update on the family and Christmas and all that good stuff. I'd also love to be on my way to Minneapolis to spend the New Year with my cousins. Instead, I have such a bad headache that I'm sick to my stomach. I don't think I could drive to the store for milk, much less the almost 4 hours to the cities. I'm sure it's just from exhaustion and from sitting in a plane/airport all day yesterday. Why do the two best holidays have to be so close together? I'm going to go take a nap, and maybe I'll update later.
Although, on the student note, I failed two students, but most of them did really well.
Stacia
Although, on the student note, I failed two students, but most of them did really well.
Stacia
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
It is finished. . . .kind of
Well, I just finished printing out paper #5. So now I just need to turn in paper #4 and #5. I also have one oral exam today that I feel like I have not studied for at all. And I'm still receiving
e-mails from students about their grades that go something like this: I know you're really busy and I don't want to argue with you, but just because I have no thesis, make no argument, my paper reads like a 4th grade book report and I used no additional sources, why did you give me such a low grade? Why don't you go back and re-read your e-mail. My professor has the flu, so I may be proctoring the final by myself. We'll see. But at least the end is in sight.
This morning I cleaned my bathroom and I have started little piles of stuff I need to take with me to Dallas. I made little loaves of bread as gifts for a few people, like my friend Beth who is driving me to the airport at 4:30 tomorrow morning. She and her husband, Ryo, asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her nothing, that if they wanted to get me something to donate to a charity or something. I just received a card stating they had made a donation to World Vision, which works with kids all over the world. Isn't that just the nicest thing! I'm lucky to have friends like that.
Well, I suppose I should make sure I have everything I need before I leave. I have to run a few errands before my final. I'm very excited about going home and seeing everyone. Oh, I almost forgot, yesterday I met with the professor I'm TAing for next semester, and she wants me to give the lecture on the Russian Revolutions (yes, there were two) of 1917! That's very exciting.
ok, I hope everyone is doing well, is getting lots of sleep, has finished their shopping (I haven't even started) and that life in general is just good.
Stacia
e-mails from students about their grades that go something like this: I know you're really busy and I don't want to argue with you, but just because I have no thesis, make no argument, my paper reads like a 4th grade book report and I used no additional sources, why did you give me such a low grade? Why don't you go back and re-read your e-mail. My professor has the flu, so I may be proctoring the final by myself. We'll see. But at least the end is in sight.
This morning I cleaned my bathroom and I have started little piles of stuff I need to take with me to Dallas. I made little loaves of bread as gifts for a few people, like my friend Beth who is driving me to the airport at 4:30 tomorrow morning. She and her husband, Ryo, asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her nothing, that if they wanted to get me something to donate to a charity or something. I just received a card stating they had made a donation to World Vision, which works with kids all over the world. Isn't that just the nicest thing! I'm lucky to have friends like that.
Well, I suppose I should make sure I have everything I need before I leave. I have to run a few errands before my final. I'm very excited about going home and seeing everyone. Oh, I almost forgot, yesterday I met with the professor I'm TAing for next semester, and she wants me to give the lecture on the Russian Revolutions (yes, there were two) of 1917! That's very exciting.
ok, I hope everyone is doing well, is getting lots of sleep, has finished their shopping (I haven't even started) and that life in general is just good.
Stacia
Monday, December 20, 2004
Too much to do
By this time Wednesday, I will be sitting on a plane, heading towards the North. Yea, my parents live in Dallas, but for some reason I have to fly to Detroit to get there. That's ok, I like the Detroit airport more than Chicago or Minneapolis. So I'm trying to finish all my school stuff and all the stuff I need to go back to Dallas. The family got together last night and decorated the tree. Normally they would have waited for me, except for the fact that I'm coming in so late. To cheer myself up, I think about where the tree is, and decorating it and the lights and the food in the kitchen and all that. And then I remember: mom and dad moved. This is what's so strange. I wasn't attached to the old house; actually thought it was a bad lay-out, but at least I could imagine my family doing stuff in it. At the new house, well, I've never been there. Mom feels bad, because she'll make a comment about where the tree is, or the guest bedroom (which I apparently will have to fight with my sister for), and then she's like, oh, I forgot, you've never seen the house. I actually had a dream that I couldn't find a bathroom for the entire week I was there. When I told mom, she promised to show me all the bathrooms as soon as I get there. And then, they don't have my Christmas stocking. Which means it's in my basement storage unit somewhere and I have to find time to pull it out before I leave. Yes, our stockings are very big deals in my family. My grandmere knit them the year Elise was born (she actually fit in hers), so they have our names on them and they are HUGE! I think I'm going to have to have two check-on pieces of luggage: between clothes, Francesca's afghan and those final exam's, one just isn't going to cut it. (someone please explain to me why I chose the prettiest afghan that my grandma had to give to my best friend's baby? Now, when I get my Russian babies, they're going to have an olive green afghan). But at least I will get to see my family soon.
So that just leaves these two papers that are due tomorrow and the final I have tomorrow. Yesterday I managed to type up 10 pages of the one paper. It's supposed to be between 15 and 20 pages, so it shouldn't take me more than another 2 hours to finish. I could have finished it yesterday, but for some reason I thrive on stress, so I goofed off a lot. I haven't started typing up the other paper, it's supposed to be 5 to 6 pages, but I do have good notes about what I want to write. I just don't know if it'll be 5 to 6 pages. Today I have to meet with the professor I'm TAing for next semester: I meet with one final student about his paper: and I have a Christmas party to go to tonight. Tomorrow, I will go swimming at noon, treat myself to a good lunch at Chin's and then have my final oral exam for Prof. Hirsch (to whom I owe the 5 to 6 page paper), then I'll turn in the 15 to 20 page paper, then sit through the final exam. Go home, pack, try to clean the apartment. And somewhere in between I need to go to the post office, and pick up some birth control pills (even though I really don't need them for anything).
ok, I should get started,
Stacia
So that just leaves these two papers that are due tomorrow and the final I have tomorrow. Yesterday I managed to type up 10 pages of the one paper. It's supposed to be between 15 and 20 pages, so it shouldn't take me more than another 2 hours to finish. I could have finished it yesterday, but for some reason I thrive on stress, so I goofed off a lot. I haven't started typing up the other paper, it's supposed to be 5 to 6 pages, but I do have good notes about what I want to write. I just don't know if it'll be 5 to 6 pages. Today I have to meet with the professor I'm TAing for next semester: I meet with one final student about his paper: and I have a Christmas party to go to tonight. Tomorrow, I will go swimming at noon, treat myself to a good lunch at Chin's and then have my final oral exam for Prof. Hirsch (to whom I owe the 5 to 6 page paper), then I'll turn in the 15 to 20 page paper, then sit through the final exam. Go home, pack, try to clean the apartment. And somewhere in between I need to go to the post office, and pick up some birth control pills (even though I really don't need them for anything).
ok, I should get started,
Stacia
Saturday, December 18, 2004
More complaints
Today I had the fun experience of asking a student to leave my office. The student didn't agree with my reasoning for giving him the grade he received. You know what, I don't give a flying rat's ass what you think about the reasons I gave you a low grade. The fact is I'm your TA, and I'm grading your final exam, and I get to decide what your grade for the entire semester is. Maybe you should have thought of that before you highly pissed me off. And while I appreciate the apology you sent, you still crossed the line.
So, even though I have my own papers I need to write and a final to study for, this is one of night's when I wish someone was here. I wish there was someone to give me a giant hug and just hold me until I quit shaking. Someone to listen to me gripe about how much this pissed me off. About how I hate to have my competency questioned, especially by some kid who doesn't know half the stuff I knew when I was in high-school. Someone to make me laugh. Someone to make me tea. Someone to rub the tension out of my shoulders. Someone to make love to me until I forgot all the shit with the students this week. Until I forgot I have two papers to write and a final to study for. Until I forgot his name, my name and everything else I know. I would still know more than that little shit student though!
Stacia
So, even though I have my own papers I need to write and a final to study for, this is one of night's when I wish someone was here. I wish there was someone to give me a giant hug and just hold me until I quit shaking. Someone to listen to me gripe about how much this pissed me off. About how I hate to have my competency questioned, especially by some kid who doesn't know half the stuff I knew when I was in high-school. Someone to make me laugh. Someone to make me tea. Someone to rub the tension out of my shoulders. Someone to make love to me until I forgot all the shit with the students this week. Until I forgot I have two papers to write and a final to study for. Until I forgot his name, my name and everything else I know. I would still know more than that little shit student though!
Stacia
Friday, December 17, 2004
Complaints
Well, I expected a few people to be upset about their paper grades, but this is ridiculous. Especially since I told them to re-read the assignment, their papers and then my comments before they complained. If this is how fast they read their sources, that might be one of the problems. Someone actually e-mailed me complaining about his grade, stating he would be willing to accept it, but he wants to know why he got that grade. I had criticized the way he used his source, and he said that wasn't fair because I told him he could use that source. Does anyone else see a problem with this statement? Then he ended the e-mail, and I am not making this up, by complaining that now he had to really study for the final. I sent him an e-mail back explaining that if he had been in class when I handed the papers back, he might not have those questions since I discussed for 10 minutes why all the papers sucked and how they sucked. So, I'm just trying to concentrate on the two papers I have to write that are due on Tuesday and not on that fact that I now want to kill several of my students.
ok, gotta get to those papers,
Stacia
ok, gotta get to those papers,
Stacia
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
How to destroy young minds.
Today I handed papers back. Well, first, I told my students how great a semester it was for me, and how much I appreciated them making this a great semester for me. Then I gave them candy canes. Then we talked about the collapse of the USSR. Then I told them their papers sucked, and for 10 minutes told them why their papers sucked. Then I gave the papers back and said good-bye. It was a little hard, but I wouldn't have given F's, D's and multiple C's if they didn't deserve them. After one of my classes, one of my students, who hasn't done any work this semester, I mean, none, shows up. He didn't turn in the paper that was due last week and worth 20% of his grade. He starts by telling me it would be an insult to both me and him if he pretended that he worked hard this semester. Then he wants to know, even though he knows I can't give him a grade, if I could read his paper and tell him if its a good history paper. He had finished the paper in time, but not the bibliography, so that's why he didn't turn it in, show up to class or e-mail me or the professor. What was that about not insulting me? But, you know, he doesn't expect a grade. So I tell him "It's the end of the semester. I have papers I have to write. If you are really concerned about whether its a good paper, e-mail it to me in January, and I'll read it then." Don't think that's the answer he was looking for. He should have written the damn paper.
So, tonight I will relax, because the rest of the week until Tuesday is going to be crazy with writing papers, studying for finals, trying to get my apartment clean, packing, buying Christmas presents, and meeting with students unhappy with their paper grades. Of course, I did tell them that if they contest their paper grade, I do reserve the right to lower their grade. Yea, I'm a bitch!
Stacia
So, tonight I will relax, because the rest of the week until Tuesday is going to be crazy with writing papers, studying for finals, trying to get my apartment clean, packing, buying Christmas presents, and meeting with students unhappy with their paper grades. Of course, I did tell them that if they contest their paper grade, I do reserve the right to lower their grade. Yea, I'm a bitch!
Stacia
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Three down. . . and how to write a paper
Three papers down, two more to go. I also graded 70 papers this weekend. Some were really, really good. But most of them were not. Apparently, the USA education system sucks. And when students ask you what kind of style you want (Chicago, ect.) they really mean, "show us how to do this, because we will not take the web-page you offered and look it up for ourselves because we really don't care." And it shows. I still have a lot of reading to do tonight, so I will not drone on about how bad the papers are, but, and I never knew this, the USSR collapsed because women were not provided with feminine sanitary items. You learn something new everyday.
Stacia
Stacia
Friday, December 10, 2004
Two down
Ok, I just e-mailed my professor that second paper that was due (it's the last paper for him) so I only have 3 papers left. One of them is due on Tuesday, and my professor (God bless her) gave me an extension for one of my papers until the 21st (it was due last Tuesday). I am her TA, so she knows I'm also grading 70 papers this week (might only be 69, one student didn't turn one in). I haven't even looked at them yet. I'm a little scared to. But I'm getting my hair done today, and my eyebrow waxed (it'll be eyebrows after the wax), so then I will feel pretty and like I can conquer anything! This weekend is busy, but good and it's almost over and then I can go home and see Phoenix. Mom said he's taking 2 or 3 steps but then gets so excited that he is walking that he does a face plant. Like she said, it might actually be best if hasn't got walking down until the tree is gone.
Had a great talk with Wes this week. I feel much better about the situation. He's not necessarily looking for anything now, he just wants me to keep my mind open to the possibility that something could happen in the future. I can live with that.
ok, I should get some reading done and maybe one or two papers graded before I go get beautiful.
Have a great weekend,
Stacia
Had a great talk with Wes this week. I feel much better about the situation. He's not necessarily looking for anything now, he just wants me to keep my mind open to the possibility that something could happen in the future. I can live with that.
ok, I should get some reading done and maybe one or two papers graded before I go get beautiful.
Have a great weekend,
Stacia
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Longings of various shades: black
Black, like your hair: thick and curly. Looking good short or long. Above your black eyes and dimples, which made you look more like a little boy than a man. And I still wonder, after all these years (4 1/2 since we broke up) why couldn't you get your shit together? Not for me, not even for us, but for yourself. You thought I was everything and I thought you were everything. If I was everything to you, and I thought you were everything, why didn't you think you were everything to you? You wanted to be my knight in shining armor. But it was your own demons you couldn't save me from. I don't want you back. I just want you to be happy. I want this hole in life to go away. But no matter how good anything looks, it still doesn't look like you.
Stacia: not a damsel in distress
Stacia: not a damsel in distress
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
To do list
Ok, I was just thinking of everything I have to do before next Tuesday, and thought I better write this down. And what better place than on my blog, because I know I won't accidentally throw this away.
Day by day:
I just realized I haven't read for the class I'm TAing and those sections are tomorrow.
I'm going swimming tonight (stress reducer). I have three classes today and I'm meeting with three students.
Tomorrow (Wed.): Four discussion sections. Get 60 papers from my kids: they must be graded in a week. TA training from 5:30 to 7:30p.
Thursday: study group for final exam for USSR history. This is an oral exam. Two classes.
Going swimming.
Friday: Have to e-mail out topic of response paper for my kids. This means I have to have read about 200 pages for them. Hair appointment in the morning. Paper due on Friday afternoon, and pre-lim study group. TA training from 4:00 to 5:30p.
Saturday: Volunteer at the museum. Christmas party. Hanukkah party.
Sunday: church.
Monday: dentist appointment.
Tuesday: two papers due, plus having read over 200 pages for one of my classes. One of these papers is only using Russian language sources. I have three classes today.
Wednesday: give papers back to students. Study section for final exam for them. Set up office appointments with kids unhappy with their paper grades.
And then, nothing until my 15 page paper is due on Tuesday and my final oral exam and I don't know when that will be. The kids take their finals on that Tues. at 5:00p and then I fly home the next day, grading their exams on the plane.
Actually, after writing it all down, it doesn't look bad. Hope everyone else's looks even better.
Stacia
Day by day:
I just realized I haven't read for the class I'm TAing and those sections are tomorrow.
I'm going swimming tonight (stress reducer). I have three classes today and I'm meeting with three students.
Tomorrow (Wed.): Four discussion sections. Get 60 papers from my kids: they must be graded in a week. TA training from 5:30 to 7:30p.
Thursday: study group for final exam for USSR history. This is an oral exam. Two classes.
Going swimming.
Friday: Have to e-mail out topic of response paper for my kids. This means I have to have read about 200 pages for them. Hair appointment in the morning. Paper due on Friday afternoon, and pre-lim study group. TA training from 4:00 to 5:30p.
Saturday: Volunteer at the museum. Christmas party. Hanukkah party.
Sunday: church.
Monday: dentist appointment.
Tuesday: two papers due, plus having read over 200 pages for one of my classes. One of these papers is only using Russian language sources. I have three classes today.
Wednesday: give papers back to students. Study section for final exam for them. Set up office appointments with kids unhappy with their paper grades.
And then, nothing until my 15 page paper is due on Tuesday and my final oral exam and I don't know when that will be. The kids take their finals on that Tues. at 5:00p and then I fly home the next day, grading their exams on the plane.
Actually, after writing it all down, it doesn't look bad. Hope everyone else's looks even better.
Stacia
Monday, December 06, 2004
Responses
Ok, Camille answered and my cousin Amanda e-mailed me her suggestions and questions.
Here's Amanda's:
Movie: Frida
Book: The Bluest Eyes or Paradise by Toni Morrison. I have not read either, but they are both on my list of books I absolutely need to read.
Music: Buena Vista Social Club Presents: Omara Portuendo
Questions
1. Do you think that the social downfall of society is linked, whether directly or indirectly to the invention of electricity? Yes. I think all innovations or progressive inventions have the capacity to take us backwards as well as forwards. I still think the good outweighs the bad.
2. What do people dream of, if they have been blind since conception? They dream of colors.
3. What is my favorite color? Blue makes me feel comforted, red makes me feel powerful.
Here's Camille's
Movie: Mystic River
Book: Geisha Diaries, another one that's on my list to read (it's a very long list)
Music: Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" I'm assuming you wouldn't have recommended this if you were using your real name!
Questions
1. What will I name my Russian babies, or will they keep their own names?
I depends on how old they are when I adopt them. I would like to name my little boy after my grandpa, but I want the kids to have Russian names, so I was thinking of Weston Vasily. For a girl's name, I like Katiana.
2. If I hadn't invested all this time in this line of study (Russian/USSR history for those of you who are dense), what do I think I would have liked to do instead? Either working for a international humanitarian group with kids or a photojournalist.
3. What unfulfilled fantasy do I still hope for? Sad to say, but the first thing I thought was Charley. I guess old hopes die hard. The second fantasy was my library fantasy. I'll spare you the details!
ok, I'll be more than happy to take any more suggestions/questions. Now, back to papers # 2 and 3.
Stacia
Here's Amanda's:
Movie: Frida
Book: The Bluest Eyes or Paradise by Toni Morrison. I have not read either, but they are both on my list of books I absolutely need to read.
Music: Buena Vista Social Club Presents: Omara Portuendo
Questions
1. Do you think that the social downfall of society is linked, whether directly or indirectly to the invention of electricity? Yes. I think all innovations or progressive inventions have the capacity to take us backwards as well as forwards. I still think the good outweighs the bad.
2. What do people dream of, if they have been blind since conception? They dream of colors.
3. What is my favorite color? Blue makes me feel comforted, red makes me feel powerful.
Here's Camille's
Movie: Mystic River
Book: Geisha Diaries, another one that's on my list to read (it's a very long list)
Music: Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" I'm assuming you wouldn't have recommended this if you were using your real name!
Questions
1. What will I name my Russian babies, or will they keep their own names?
I depends on how old they are when I adopt them. I would like to name my little boy after my grandpa, but I want the kids to have Russian names, so I was thinking of Weston Vasily. For a girl's name, I like Katiana.
2. If I hadn't invested all this time in this line of study (Russian/USSR history for those of you who are dense), what do I think I would have liked to do instead? Either working for a international humanitarian group with kids or a photojournalist.
3. What unfulfilled fantasy do I still hope for? Sad to say, but the first thing I thought was Charley. I guess old hopes die hard. The second fantasy was my library fantasy. I'll spare you the details!
ok, I'll be more than happy to take any more suggestions/questions. Now, back to papers # 2 and 3.
Stacia
Friday, December 03, 2004
One down. . . .
Ok, one paper down, four more to go. One of the four is for a pre-lim study group I'm in, so I think I may ask the professor if maybe I could give him topic suggestions, historiography trends, that sort of thing, rather than writing a paper. I'm not getting credit for this, although it does mean that when I take my prelims, this particular professor will make sure there is only one hoop and that it will not be on fire.
Meanwhile, I have only sneezed about 500 times this morning. I know I need to dust my apartment, but I don't think that's why I'm sneezing (I always need to dust my apartment). This really is not a good time to come down with something. I'm supposed to go out with friends tomorrow afternoon to some Christmas around the square thing. So we'll be outside all day. And I don't want to get chubs sick, since he's just a kid (and a very cute one at that). Hopefully whatever it is will miraculously disappear. Or maybe I'll just scare it away with all the homework today. I'm already drinking my second pot of green tea (from Japan).
Finally, I stole this from Kymmie's blog, as instructed, so here goes. I don't really know how many people read my blog, and not really sure if I want to know, but it might be interesting.
A) Recommend to me
1. A movie
2. A book (if you recommend one I've already read, I'm going to ask for another recommendation).
3. A musical artist, a song, or an album
B) Ask me three questions
C) put this on your blog.
ok, I have about 1,000 pages I need to read today, and the other 4 papers I need to work on. Everyone have a great weekend.
Stacia
Meanwhile, I have only sneezed about 500 times this morning. I know I need to dust my apartment, but I don't think that's why I'm sneezing (I always need to dust my apartment). This really is not a good time to come down with something. I'm supposed to go out with friends tomorrow afternoon to some Christmas around the square thing. So we'll be outside all day. And I don't want to get chubs sick, since he's just a kid (and a very cute one at that). Hopefully whatever it is will miraculously disappear. Or maybe I'll just scare it away with all the homework today. I'm already drinking my second pot of green tea (from Japan).
Finally, I stole this from Kymmie's blog, as instructed, so here goes. I don't really know how many people read my blog, and not really sure if I want to know, but it might be interesting.
A) Recommend to me
1. A movie
2. A book (if you recommend one I've already read, I'm going to ask for another recommendation).
3. A musical artist, a song, or an album
B) Ask me three questions
C) put this on your blog.
ok, I have about 1,000 pages I need to read today, and the other 4 papers I need to work on. Everyone have a great weekend.
Stacia
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
chto chto?
For those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, here is the web page for the summer program I am hoping to attend this coming up summer (hence the name, summer program). www.actr.org I would want to go to St. Pete's only because I've only spent a couple of weekends there. I've spent much more time in Moscow. However, Elena, Illona, Alexi and Anna all live in Moscow, but they all love to visit St. Pete's. I would have to visit Moscow though, just to see Elena's mom. I am also applying for funding, because I really don't want to use my Russian baby fund for this trip. And, also for those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, you need to get out more!
Ok, I need to mull over this Wes issue. He is currently out at sea and will call me when he returns and I promised him we would talk about whatever it is he wants to talk about when he gets back. So, Camille grilled about this situation yesterday, which is why she is my best friend. After numerous disastrous relationships, she knows better than to trust my judgment. These are the issues we decided we wanted clarification about. 1. What are your intents? 2. What is your time-line? 3. Are you willing to have an open relationship if it will be a long-distance relationship? 4. Why now? 5. Are you willing to have a sexless relationship until further notice? 6. How to you intend to address the long-distance issue? See, I've never, ever really looked at Wes as relationship material. Sorry babe, but you're not known for your fidelity (not that I am either, but we're not talking about me). And since I know a lot about Wes, it makes me question motivation. But, at the same time, since we are such good friends, why is he willing to put that on the line? We are highly compatible, but I don't love Wes. I think I could, and to me compatibility is much more important than immediate chemistry. To me, immediate chemistry is not love, it is a one night stand, or a steady bed buddy, nothing more. I don't want to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to settle. I also just don't think this is good timing. I just really don't see myself with anyone for at least 5 years. I'm happy being alone, and that's just really the way I view my future. It's just me, my house, and my two Russian babies. A garden in the back, maybe a cat and/or dog, but I don't really see a man until after that point (Which when I think about it, might actually be 10 years). And, sorry to say it Wes, I am not sexually attracted to you. Maybe it's because we've been friends so long. That is just not there. And I can't even think about it.
But the fact that I'm even considering something with Wes is freaking me out.
Alright, I am going to forget about the whole situation until I have to think about it again. I have 5 papers to write. Like I said, endless fascination.
Stacia
Ok, I need to mull over this Wes issue. He is currently out at sea and will call me when he returns and I promised him we would talk about whatever it is he wants to talk about when he gets back. So, Camille grilled about this situation yesterday, which is why she is my best friend. After numerous disastrous relationships, she knows better than to trust my judgment. These are the issues we decided we wanted clarification about. 1. What are your intents? 2. What is your time-line? 3. Are you willing to have an open relationship if it will be a long-distance relationship? 4. Why now? 5. Are you willing to have a sexless relationship until further notice? 6. How to you intend to address the long-distance issue? See, I've never, ever really looked at Wes as relationship material. Sorry babe, but you're not known for your fidelity (not that I am either, but we're not talking about me). And since I know a lot about Wes, it makes me question motivation. But, at the same time, since we are such good friends, why is he willing to put that on the line? We are highly compatible, but I don't love Wes. I think I could, and to me compatibility is much more important than immediate chemistry. To me, immediate chemistry is not love, it is a one night stand, or a steady bed buddy, nothing more. I don't want to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to settle. I also just don't think this is good timing. I just really don't see myself with anyone for at least 5 years. I'm happy being alone, and that's just really the way I view my future. It's just me, my house, and my two Russian babies. A garden in the back, maybe a cat and/or dog, but I don't really see a man until after that point (Which when I think about it, might actually be 10 years). And, sorry to say it Wes, I am not sexually attracted to you. Maybe it's because we've been friends so long. That is just not there. And I can't even think about it.
But the fact that I'm even considering something with Wes is freaking me out.
Alright, I am going to forget about the whole situation until I have to think about it again. I have 5 papers to write. Like I said, endless fascination.
Stacia
Vanilla
Funny story about Grandma and it explains so much. Some commercial came on TV, I think for ice-cream, maybe pudding, I don't remember, and it doesn't really matter. Grandma must have had whatever it was and asked if I wanted any. I asked what flavor, and the answer was vanilla. "We only buy vanilla. If we want something on it, we'll put it on it, but we're really vanilla people." You don't say!
Stacia
Stacia
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Thankful to be home
I am home! Thank God! I love my family, but it's always good to be home.
I actually had a great time at my grandparents. The weather driving out there was beautiful. My cousin Shante and her husband Andy were there. I've always liked Shante and Andy is just a nice guy. My other cousin Creed and his girlfriend Angie and their beautiful baby Ashley Berlyn also came for thanksgiving dinner. It's so nice to find out that not only do you love your family, but you really, really like them and consider them friends and wish you could see them more. The baby is sooooo cute. Huge, chubby cheeks. Big blue eyes. Looks just like her mom. But with her parents, she was bound to be cute. So the weekend went well. Except for the speeding ticket I got less than an hour from my grandparents house. But the state trooper was cool, because he could have also added the fact that my correct address on my driver's license.
But I am thankful for my family, thankful that we all love each other and get along so well. I am thankful for my friends, especially Camille, who has been my friend forever. I am thankful for my overseas friends, Nane, Peter, and Elena. I am thankful for Amanda, Andrea, Wes, and Tonya. I have so many people I can turn to whenever I need anything. I hope they all know I would do anything for them too.
I am thankful that I am in school and that I have the opportunity to travel, and learn and meet new people. I am thankful that I can follow my goals and dreams.
I am thankful,
Stacia
I actually had a great time at my grandparents. The weather driving out there was beautiful. My cousin Shante and her husband Andy were there. I've always liked Shante and Andy is just a nice guy. My other cousin Creed and his girlfriend Angie and their beautiful baby Ashley Berlyn also came for thanksgiving dinner. It's so nice to find out that not only do you love your family, but you really, really like them and consider them friends and wish you could see them more. The baby is sooooo cute. Huge, chubby cheeks. Big blue eyes. Looks just like her mom. But with her parents, she was bound to be cute. So the weekend went well. Except for the speeding ticket I got less than an hour from my grandparents house. But the state trooper was cool, because he could have also added the fact that my correct address on my driver's license.
But I am thankful for my family, thankful that we all love each other and get along so well. I am thankful for my friends, especially Camille, who has been my friend forever. I am thankful for my overseas friends, Nane, Peter, and Elena. I am thankful for Amanda, Andrea, Wes, and Tonya. I have so many people I can turn to whenever I need anything. I hope they all know I would do anything for them too.
I am thankful that I am in school and that I have the opportunity to travel, and learn and meet new people. I am thankful that I can follow my goals and dreams.
I am thankful,
Stacia
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Longing in various shades: blue
Longing for the blue sweater, your blue sweater, that swallowed me up the way you wanted to swallow my mind and soul. It hugged me the way you did, loose and heavy, both at the same time. Yet after I took it off, we had to make sure none of my hair was on it, in case she found it.
And under the moon, at the castle, on a hill, in the rain, in Germany, drinking beer and eating pringles, talking about philosophy, history, literature, life, love, and distance.
Holding hands like little children, but never going beyond. Like if we started we would never be able to let go of each other. And you had someone waiting for you at home, and I guess I did too. And those words on our final night, "you can fall in love in 3 weeks" but can you?
It's been one and a half year, and now your e-mails are signed by her and you.
But every now and then, I get an e-mail, telling me you miss the beer and pringles, and our walks, our talks, the rain, the hill, the castle, and the shooting star we wished on. And you promise me hugs and tell me no one is good enough, but you don't want me to be lonely either. And I pull out my favorite picture, the one where I'm wearing your blue sweater, and we look like we belong to each other and maybe you were right about only needing 3 weeks.
Stacia
And under the moon, at the castle, on a hill, in the rain, in Germany, drinking beer and eating pringles, talking about philosophy, history, literature, life, love, and distance.
Holding hands like little children, but never going beyond. Like if we started we would never be able to let go of each other. And you had someone waiting for you at home, and I guess I did too. And those words on our final night, "you can fall in love in 3 weeks" but can you?
It's been one and a half year, and now your e-mails are signed by her and you.
But every now and then, I get an e-mail, telling me you miss the beer and pringles, and our walks, our talks, the rain, the hill, the castle, and the shooting star we wished on. And you promise me hugs and tell me no one is good enough, but you don't want me to be lonely either. And I pull out my favorite picture, the one where I'm wearing your blue sweater, and we look like we belong to each other and maybe you were right about only needing 3 weeks.
Stacia
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Rainbow halos
Note to self: don't forget goggles when you swim laps. Everything stills looks foggy.
Same common complaint: got lots of homework done, but it's never enough. I'm polishing my Zionism paper, the one I've been working on since I became an adult. Ok, maybe not that long, but at least a year. Next semester I might be on a discussion panel discussing Jews and institutions. I really don't know what that means, but it'll look good on my CV. (could someone please tell me the difference between a CV and a resume?).
All this stuff with Phoenix is making me think about parents and their roles in kids lives. Even though I have a great adoptive dad, I know I still wonder why my biological didn't want me. And I know he would never phrase it that way, but actions are actions. At this point, I don't care about him, I have a great dad, one who probably did a better job than the biological one would have done. But, I do have 2 half-sisters who don't even know I exist. They are still teenagers, and it saddens me to say, I don't remember both their names and I don't know their birthdays, or how old they are exactly. I don't want them to find out they have a much older sister and think I never thought about them. But being a teenager is hard enough without finding out you have a sister. I should write to their mother, who is no longer married to my biological father. But she is the one who kept them from me to begin with. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just fade, and who knows, they may never find out about me.
The weather was just on. Apparently the first chance, and only chance, of snow in the next week is on Wednesday: the day I'm driving 7 1/2 hours to visit my grandparents. Great.
Well, I suppose I should get some sleep so I can get up and do more homework. Oh, could life get any more fun.
Stacia
Same common complaint: got lots of homework done, but it's never enough. I'm polishing my Zionism paper, the one I've been working on since I became an adult. Ok, maybe not that long, but at least a year. Next semester I might be on a discussion panel discussing Jews and institutions. I really don't know what that means, but it'll look good on my CV. (could someone please tell me the difference between a CV and a resume?).
All this stuff with Phoenix is making me think about parents and their roles in kids lives. Even though I have a great adoptive dad, I know I still wonder why my biological didn't want me. And I know he would never phrase it that way, but actions are actions. At this point, I don't care about him, I have a great dad, one who probably did a better job than the biological one would have done. But, I do have 2 half-sisters who don't even know I exist. They are still teenagers, and it saddens me to say, I don't remember both their names and I don't know their birthdays, or how old they are exactly. I don't want them to find out they have a much older sister and think I never thought about them. But being a teenager is hard enough without finding out you have a sister. I should write to their mother, who is no longer married to my biological father. But she is the one who kept them from me to begin with. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just fade, and who knows, they may never find out about me.
The weather was just on. Apparently the first chance, and only chance, of snow in the next week is on Wednesday: the day I'm driving 7 1/2 hours to visit my grandparents. Great.
Well, I suppose I should get some sleep so I can get up and do more homework. Oh, could life get any more fun.
Stacia
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Phoenix Update
Craig had court today, and it went a lot better than it could have, but mom and Craig were a little unhappy. Corinne was granted temporary joint custody, with primary placement with Craig. However, this is only for two months and she does have to follow certain criteria. Since she told the judge she had used drugs in the last 10 days, she did not have to take a drug test today, but she will have to take one every two weeks. She can only have supervised visits with Phoenix. If her mom is not present at these visits, her mom will go to jail. She has to finish high school (at an at risk school) and she has to apply to cosmotology school. The lawyer told my brother that this judge usually gives the parent enough rope to hang themselves. So, if she doesn't show for the drug test, or doesn't even show for visitation, she is screwing herself over. She's been talking about finishing school and going to cosmotology school for 2 years, so we're not holding our breathes there. Overall, I think Craig will end up with what he asked for. The judge did not award any child support either. Corinne's lawyer told Craig's lawyer that Corinne has a terrible attitude and the only reason he is representing her is because her mom is paying him. I think it will be good in the end. And the judge is right, Phoenix needs to have a relationship with both parents. It just remains to be seen if Corinne wants that.
Otherwise, that is it. Lots of homework. I can't wait for Christmas.
Stacia
Otherwise, that is it. Lots of homework. I can't wait for Christmas.
Stacia
Monday, November 15, 2004
Andrea
I called Andrea last night, and maybe I should give some background information on everyone. I met Andrea as a sophomore in highschool. We are almost total opposites personality wise, but we enjoy many of the same things. She is an only child, and she is very aware that she is high maintenance (her words, not mine). I also met Wes at the same time. Wes and Andrea were already friends. Andrea and I both had highschool crushes on Wes. Wes and I are very compatible personality wise, and Andrea always kind of thought I "stole" Wes and his friendship away from her, even though they remain friends. This is where the complication sets in: Andrea is in a serious relationship right now, and she thinks that Wes is only interested in me since he can't have her. They too had a previous relationship similar to Wes's and mine. This is the thing, Wes does view Andrea as one of those weird, "good-girl" that got away, but ever since highschool, he has been aware that we are more compatible. So if I know this, why does it upset me that Andrea doesn't. I know that on the one hand, she needs to think this for her ego. She doesn't get hit on very often, and she's about to break up with her guy because he won't propose, and it's been 4 years. On the other hand, I don't want her insinuating for the rest of our lives that Wes settled for me because she wasn't available (she wouldn't date Wes anyway). Which brings me to another issue, why do I even care? This scares me even more, because it means I'm thinking about this on some level. I'm just going to ignore this, and maybe it will all go away. I need to concentrate on the end of the semester. And since Wes is in CA right now, it's not like I have to deal with it. He might not even call me again for another month or so. I'm sure he means what he said, but, he's not going to back it up with more words or actions. He's just too far away. (I should also add that Wes introduced me to Charley, my ex-fiance).
Alright, I have a ton of homework, because my grandma asked if I could stay for an extra day at Thanksgiving, and I know that when she dies, I'm not going to wish I had done that extra day of homework.
Stacia
Alright, I have a ton of homework, because my grandma asked if I could stay for an extra day at Thanksgiving, and I know that when she dies, I'm not going to wish I had done that extra day of homework.
Stacia
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Wes
My friend Wes called me last night. Since he's in the navy, I only hear from him when he's not out to sea, which sometimes means, I only hear from him once or twice a year. So it's always nice to hear from him. We've been friends for 16 years now. A very long time. And though we sometimes have lost touch, we always find each other again. We have a very comfortable relationship, somewhat built upon the fact that Wes always talks like he wants to get with me. I should add, he always acts like a gentleman when I actually get to see him. But we talk about everything, including the women he picks up and what they do, and even though he's always joking that he wants to get with me, we have never, ever in 16 years really talked about our feelings for each other. So it threw me for a complete loop when yesterday, as we're about to say good-bye, Wes tells me that he misses me. And that he wants to see me again. And that he loves talking to me, and feels comfortable talking to me, in a way he doesn't feel with anyone else. And he was serious. And my stomach did a flip-flop. Was that just because I haven't heard a man, any man, say those things in such a long time? Or was it Wes saying those things? I don't know if I want to know the answer.
Stacia
Stacia
Thursday, November 11, 2004
Desire
I want a man to look at me like he has never seen a woman before. I want a man to smile at me as if he had never had a reason to smile before. I want a man to touch me as if he had never touched a woman before and he wants to discover everything about me. I want a man to touch me like he is trying to discover himself in me. I want a man to go beyond making love to me, to create love with me, with more intensity and desire. I want to make a man feel like I am air, food, and life and without me, there is nothing. I want to make a man feel like he is my air, food and life and without him, I have nothing. I want to become so tangled up, that I am unable to recognize whose limbs belong to whom. I want to become so tangled up, that mine belong to him, and his to me. I want discover myself in a man. I want to feel so intensely that I forget my name, his name, time, place, life itself. I want a man to see me so clearly, that he names me. I want a man to kiss every inch of my body, in adoration of the gift I give him. I want to return that gift. I want a man who is willing to not only enter my body, but also enter my soul. I want a man who makes me want to let him into my body and my soul. I want to desire.
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Congratulations
I'm happy to write that my friend Tiffany is indeed pregnant. And there's only one. Tiffany had been trying to get pregnant for more than 2 years. There was nothing wrong with neither her nor her husband, she just wasn't getting pregnant. So she did those shots, and released like 15 eggs at once. She still didn't get pregnant. That was really, really hard. They did the shots again, and this time they worked (hence the comment about there only being one; she released 20 eggs this time). She was so happy when I asked and she could finally say yes. She went to the doctor yesterday, and got to hear the heartbeat. The doctor said everything looks good so far. They're going to make great parents. I'm so happy for them both. And I'm not giving her Camille's blog page because then she may despair that she finally got pregnant (it's almost over Camille, kind of).
On a sadder note, my friend Andrea called me the other night, and after 38 years of marriage, her mother has filed for divorce. After they retired, it became obvious that her dad was an alcoholic and he was very verbally abusive. Her mom tried to cope with this situation for more than 2 years, but finally had enough. At this point, the divorce is on hold for 30 days, but Andrea really doesn't have any hope that her dad will get his stuff together. While she doesn't want her parents to get divorced, she does want her parents to be happy, and under the circumstances, her mom is very miserable. Like Andrea, I hope they can work things out, but I don't think her dad has hit rock bottom yet. So, lots of hugs and prayers to Andrea and her parents.
ok, nothing else exciting is happening. Just trying to keep up with homework. Giving a map quiz today and I don't have a copy of the map to grade them with. I'm sure I'll figure something out. I have a presentation tomorrow that I should work on today. For the most part, this semester has stabilized, and that is actually a good thing.
hope everyone else has a great day,
Stacia
On a sadder note, my friend Andrea called me the other night, and after 38 years of marriage, her mother has filed for divorce. After they retired, it became obvious that her dad was an alcoholic and he was very verbally abusive. Her mom tried to cope with this situation for more than 2 years, but finally had enough. At this point, the divorce is on hold for 30 days, but Andrea really doesn't have any hope that her dad will get his stuff together. While she doesn't want her parents to get divorced, she does want her parents to be happy, and under the circumstances, her mom is very miserable. Like Andrea, I hope they can work things out, but I don't think her dad has hit rock bottom yet. So, lots of hugs and prayers to Andrea and her parents.
ok, nothing else exciting is happening. Just trying to keep up with homework. Giving a map quiz today and I don't have a copy of the map to grade them with. I'm sure I'll figure something out. I have a presentation tomorrow that I should work on today. For the most part, this semester has stabilized, and that is actually a good thing.
hope everyone else has a great day,
Stacia
Monday, November 08, 2004
Good Phoenix News
I don't know how much my brother is paying his lawyer, but apparently he is worth it! My brother saw the lawyer on Monday night: Corinne got served on Saturday. And, there's a temporary restraining order until the court date, which according to the lawyer should be within two weeks. Corinne called my brother and cussed him out. And then her mom called my mom and wanted to know why Craig was doing this. I think they both thought that they could do whatever they wanted and then when they decided they wanted Phoenix, Craig would just hand him over. Whatever. And Corinne's mom promised my brother that she would always be present when Phoenix was over there, since we know Corinne is doing drugs again. When Craig went to go pick Phoenix up on Saturday, she wasn't there. Corinne was asleep (as you can see, she highly values her time with her son) and her 16 year old sister (who's doing drugs too) was watching Phoenix. I hope everything goes well and quickly.
Other strange news, Friday I went out with some friends from the museum and got chatting with someone who knows my crush better then most. Since it was her going away party, I thought I'd ask about him. I was informed that since he turned me down, I had really managed to dodge the bullet. Apparently he has a victim mentality and is very passive/aggressive. This is totally not the impression I get of him, but I don't know him very well. And of course, if hell actually froze over and he asked me out, I would still go. It's been a while.
Overall, a very good weekend. Got a ton of homework done, and some cleaning. Will finish the cleaning today. The weather was beautiful, although I didn't get outside a whole bunch. I guess I should get started on today.
Stacia
Other strange news, Friday I went out with some friends from the museum and got chatting with someone who knows my crush better then most. Since it was her going away party, I thought I'd ask about him. I was informed that since he turned me down, I had really managed to dodge the bullet. Apparently he has a victim mentality and is very passive/aggressive. This is totally not the impression I get of him, but I don't know him very well. And of course, if hell actually froze over and he asked me out, I would still go. It's been a while.
Overall, a very good weekend. Got a ton of homework done, and some cleaning. Will finish the cleaning today. The weather was beautiful, although I didn't get outside a whole bunch. I guess I should get started on today.
Stacia
Friday, November 05, 2004
Thank you Amanda
Thank you Amanda, for explaining it how it is and not being ashamed of the truth or who you are. Thank you for demanding that people around you do the same. Thank you for knowing who you are, and revelling in that. Thank you for not always knowing, and being able to admit it. Thank you for being able to admit when you're hurt, confused, upset, depressed, happy, excited and horny. Thank you for remiding me that a women can be strong and weak at the same time. But most of all, thank you for making me laugh. you're the one person who constantly reminds me what it's like to be real.
Stacia
Stacia
Thursday, November 04, 2004
missing you
how do you miss someone you've never known? how do you know someone inside and out, without actually having met them? how do I know that when I meet you, I will know who you are? How do I know that you really exist? That you're looking for the same thing I am? How do I know that even tonight you're looking for me? How do I know you haven't given up hope, like I have?
Blah
Something about this crappy-ass weather. And that fact that it's already practically dark. And I have more homework to do then I could possibly finish in two years. And when I tell people I have a social get together, it consists of a study group meeting for coffee or beer (there are some subjects that make more sense when you're under the influence). But I just feel blah. I just want to curl up, with a gorgeous, intelligent, funny, understanding, caring, employed man, in front of a fire and cuddle, and have really hot, sweaty, repetitive, beautiful, animalistic sex. And then take a nap and do it all over again. Never mind that I don't have a man, or a fireplace. I especially don't have the time. Oh well, I guess that's why there's Cosmo.
Stacia
Stacia
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Voting
Well, I went out and voted. And I voted for a candidate I wouldn't normally vote for. But I was not struck by lightening and the earth did not explode, so I guess it's ok. I really do feel like either one would be ok, in that neither one will be able to deliver what they promise. Oh, such hope for America! I'm just glad it will be "over" tomorrow. At least for us normal people.
I'm so tired of dreaming about the Revolution. Thank God I give the mid-terms back to the students tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to e-mail the professor the grades.
stacia
I'm so tired of dreaming about the Revolution. Thank God I give the mid-terms back to the students tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to e-mail the professor the grades.
stacia
Monday, November 01, 2004
Nightmares of mid-terms
So I finally finished grading the sixty-something mid-terms. Except there are a few I need to go back over. And I need to figure out if there should be a curve (I don't think so). E-mail the professor to figure out whether I need to convert these into letter grades, or can just leave them as points. Type up the rules of dispute, in case anyone doesn't like their grade. And give them back.
I've had nightmares about Lenin and the Revolutions for three days straight now. Not very good sleeping. And then all this election crap. I can't wait for it to be over. I guess because I study history I take my responsibility to vote very seriously and since this year we get to choose between crap and crap I just don't feel that good about it. But I am voting. I printed out the political platforms for both parties and compared. And I now know who I am voting for. It's not my usual party. But, honestly, I don't even really care who wins.
Charley showed up in my dream last night. And he was here in Madison, in my dream. He wanted to know, one last time if there was a chance of us getting back together. He was going to get married, but had to know about us first. And I looked at him, said no, turned away, and didn't look back. He got on the phone with the other and called her the pet names he used to call me. And I felt. . . pity, for her. And nothing else.
I have to go read about Stalin's terror and the inequality between the races in America. No wonder I'm so cynical.
Stacia, feeling wet, cold, and tired
I've had nightmares about Lenin and the Revolutions for three days straight now. Not very good sleeping. And then all this election crap. I can't wait for it to be over. I guess because I study history I take my responsibility to vote very seriously and since this year we get to choose between crap and crap I just don't feel that good about it. But I am voting. I printed out the political platforms for both parties and compared. And I now know who I am voting for. It's not my usual party. But, honestly, I don't even really care who wins.
Charley showed up in my dream last night. And he was here in Madison, in my dream. He wanted to know, one last time if there was a chance of us getting back together. He was going to get married, but had to know about us first. And I looked at him, said no, turned away, and didn't look back. He got on the phone with the other and called her the pet names he used to call me. And I felt. . . pity, for her. And nothing else.
I have to go read about Stalin's terror and the inequality between the races in America. No wonder I'm so cynical.
Stacia, feeling wet, cold, and tired
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