Tuesday, May 31, 2005


I went swimming, for the first time in more than two weeks, today. I also got my second Hep B shot today, so my arm was a bit sore. I wanted to do at least 8 laps (1/2 mile), but some jerk, who should have been in the fast lane instead of the slow lane, butt in. Since I swim to reduce stress, I refuse to swim after someone has pissed me off: it defeats the purpose. But I did manage to do 7 laps, and it felt really good. I think I may have pushed my arm too far though. We'll see how it feels tomorrow.

Yesterday I cleaned my entire apartment. It looks really nice. I also read Like Water for Chocolate. The book was really good, but I really didn't like the ending. In the end, Tita has to choose between intense, burning, life-threatening passion, or a stable, loving man who makes her happy but doesn't necessarily set her on fire. Well (spoiler ahead), she chooses passion and in the end of the book, literally burns to death with her lover (that must have been some orgasm). I have felt that type of passion, and it is life-threatening. People make dumb-ass choices and decisions for this type of love. And in the end, all it does is burn you. At this point in my life, I would prefer the stability, the safety and the comfort of a less passionate relationship. Maybe that's why I'm considering Wes. If a computer dating service saw our profiles, it would hook us up. We work well together, laugh together, and feel safe together. I think he feels much more passion for me than I do for him. But I don't want to give the impression that I don't feel any passion or desire for Wes, because that's not true either. I don't know how to explain it. When I was in a passionate relationship I felt like I would die if it ended and I was constantly worried that it would. With Wes, I know I wouldn't die and I know he will always be there for me. If it ended, I would miss him terribly, but I could go on. With the other relationships, the passion was so great that it couldn't have possibly gotten any stronger. With Wes, I expect it to get stronger for years and years. So, I'm not madly, passionately in love with Wes, but I think what I feel is probably better, stronger, and safer than anything that is based on passion. Now, if I didn't think I could fall in love with Wes, I wouldn't even consider a relationship with him. I am perfectly happy alone, and the thought of being alone forever doesn't bother me (especially since I'm not really alone: I have friends and family). I will wait and see what happens.

Camille, sorry it took me this long, but here are your 5 questions:

1. What is your most favorite memory of us together?
2. What do you consider your best physical feature?
3. If you were given $5000 and couldn't spend it on anyone but yourself (and not on bills) what would you do with it?
4. Where's the one place you want to visit with just you and Bart? The whole family? Just you?
5. Do you still want to be an astronaut? If not, what is the non-realistic job you would like?

Alright, I got a ton of stuff done today for my trip, but I need to study my Russian.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Big sigh of relief

Well, Wes left today. And the big sigh of relief is NOT because he is gone. I'm actually going to miss him. We ended up having a great week, lot's of long talks and I think we may even have a future. We talked about family, growing up, school, church, religion, personal beliefs, relationships, stability, travel, food, sex, kids, adoption, money, marriage and feelings. Feelings: not a topic I enjoy discussing. Wes has them, strong. At this point, I have them, but they're not that strong. I think we would be very happy if we were together. And I've never really thought that about anyone. I also know I could fall in love with him. So I guess it just comes down to the timing and distance thing. He thinks it's possible. I just don't know yet. I will just sit back and see. Besides, I leave for Russia in 10 days and have a ton of stuff to do before then.

So, the big sigh is because it went well. Better than I thought. At this point, he appears willing to be very patient about everything. We will see what happens.

Did I mention that at the zoo, the cow licked my arm? It was weird. Also, my nephew looks so old in the pictures I just got back. I already miss him too.


Saturday, May 28, 2005

Farmer's Market Day

I'm so excited it's Saturday!!!!! I love the Farmer's Market. It is my absolutely favorite thing about living in Madison. Today, Wes and I are going to go. And it's sunny out. It will be a good day today.

This week is actually turning out really well. There was that rocky start, but it has smoothed out considerably since then. Wes and I are having a really good time together and we are comfortable with each other. We've done almost everything there is to do around town, and we've gone shopping a couple of times. Yesterday he bought me a new outfit and a digital camera. He said I really needed one for my trip to Russia. We kind of argued about that one for a while. My mama taught me never to accept expensive gifts from men you weren't really in a relationship with, but Wes argued that it was just my Christmas present, for the last 15 years. I was teasing him about being my sugar daddy, but he said that really wasn't the position he wanted. At least permanently. We've had some really good conversations, but I'll write about those later. Camille, I think this is going to be ok. I'll call you next week.

ok, I need to get ready for the Farmer's Market. I've also noticed a lot of people are beautifying their blogs. I don't have time for that now, but maybe when I get back. I'd like to put some links on here.

Everyone have a great Memorial Day weekend, and please take at least a moment to acknowledge and thank those men and women who bravely and dutifully died defending our rights and freedoms. And if you know someone who is still in the service, let them know how much you appreciate them.


Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Vacation saga #2

Wes is here this week. I went and picked him up in my red dress. I looked absolutely fantastic. The reception went well. Wes definitely enjoys people in a way I don't. But it went well. Sunday we went to campus and walked up the shopping district. He bought me a very pretty sundress. We also got icecream, and generally just enjoyed the day. I made him watch Napoleon Dynamite and he now thinks I have a very strange sense of humor (I do). We also watched Sean of the Dead. Hilarious.

Monday, we went to a bookstore and the mall. Then, he decided we should go out and drink. So, I called a few of my friends and we went out. In hindsight, not the best idea. We both got hammered and things went a little bit too far. He didn't even remember what happened the next day (it took a full day for both of us to recuperate). All of a sudden his eyes got real big and he looked at me. And apologized profusely. He also said his punishment was the fact that he didn't really remember what had happened, but just knew something had. I was a little pissed at that point, but he really did make up for it. He told me he hadn't expected that at all. That before he got here he would have been happy with just cuddling and some kissing. And he didn't suggest we do it again, and he hasn't tried. We've also had some really good conversations. And we do get along rather well. Today we're going to go to the zoo, and tonight we're going to see episode 3. Tomorrow, the capital building and the museum. Friday, the biggest brat fest in the world. Saturday, the farmer's market and an organ concert and Sunday he goes home.

So, that's about it for now. I'll update again when he leaves.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Stacia says "moo"

I just got back from my "vacation" and now I need to sleep for a week. Only Wes is coming tomorrow. My vacation was really great, but there were so many people there, and I feel like I spent all my time taking care of my nephew (which was fun) or helping Grandma keep the house clean (which was not fun because I think I was the only one (out of 10) doing this). Phoenix and I went for at least 2 walks a day. I would kill for half of his energy and half of his nap time! He can say many words, but not my name. He did know who I was though, and if you asked him where I was, he would come pat me. He also knows all his animal sounds and Grandma was asking him all of them, and then asked "what sound does Stacia make," hence the title of this blog. He is sooooo cute! My brother looks great too! He finally shaved his head (he had long hair and is definitely going bald). I have a huge headache right now, but I should be cleaning the house.

Wes is coming tomorrow and I guess I already did all the freaking out. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and then picking him up from the airport and then going to the reception. I'm wearing a very sexy red dress. I just tried it on, and it is even sexier than I remembered. I guess we'll find out right away if Wes is a gentleman. If he's not, he can turn around and get back on the plane!

ok, I'm exhausted and I think I'm going to relax a bit before trying to get some sleep (in a bed where my sister isn't sleeping and waking me up because she can't sleep).

Friday, May 13, 2005

And the winner is. . . .

It is finished. My papers are turned in. The finals are graded. Semester grades have been tallied. I am currently getting ready for the lovely (and long) 8 hour drive to my grandparents, thrilled beyond belief that it is raining and cold all the way there. Such perfect driving weather. But it is my vacation, and I am going to enjoy it. I won't be updating for a week though, so don't miss me too much.

So, the absolute winner for the dumbest things written on the final exams:

Tolstoy and Gogol were "realist" because they were able to accurately describe the negative aspects of Soviet society.

closely followed by:

Orthodoxy played a much more important role in Russia than in any other European country.

And no, I'm not going to explain why these are hilarious. If you want to know, you can look it up. That is your assignment for the next week.


Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Questions from you

The deal:1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So here are Beth's questions for me.

1) Is there any person, people, or cause that you would not hesitate to give your life for? What is it and why?

The first person I thought of was Camille. Camille has been my best friend since we were 13 and we've been through some really hard times together. And of course, my family too.

2) Where were you when you first heard about 9-11? In what ways were you affected?

I had just recently moved to Madison and I was in training for my new job. They came in a announced it before anyone really knew what was going on. I called home and found out that both my dad and brother had been sent home from work because they worked in downtown Dallas. I don't know anyone who was killed or injured, but my uncle is a minister in the reserves and he had to formally contact several families of those killed in the Pentagon. I just remember thinking how hard that had to have been.

3) What literary character do you most identify with and why?

That would have to be Dolgoruky in Dostoevsky's The Adolescent. The book is about this young man who thinks he is an adult, mature, intelligent and better than everyone else. The book goes through a period of time when he finds out he's not really an adult, he's not mature, he doesn't know anything and that he isn't better, morally or intellectually, than anyone else. And only once he realizes this can be become an adult. I just really related to the character and the process of "becoming an adult" and confident in who I am.

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt and you could hardly breathe? Who were you with, and what were you laughing about?

It was probably Camille and it was probably Christmas time and it was probably about something stupid. Although, I've laughed pretty hard lately with my friend Sarah. We've been laughing about school (she's another graduate student), students (she also TA's) and sex (we both need it).

5) What is love? What is hate?

To me love is not a romantic feeling. It has nothing to do with flowers or cards, or warm fuzzies. And it really doesn't have anything to do with sex. For me love is what my grandparents have. My grandfather was hit by shrapnel in WWII and is pretty much in constant pain. (The doctors actually only gave him 5 years to live, said he would never walk again and never have kids: boy, they were wrong on all counts). But my grandma takes such good care of him. He is grumpy and can be mean (he's in pain!), but she loves him and takes care of ALL his needs, and they aren't all exactly pleasant. To me, that is love.

Hate, wow, that's a hard one. There's two types for me. The type where you feel so passionately about something that it can turn into hate (think ex-boyfriend type of passion where you're mad at yourself because you can't get him out of your head or heart) and then there's the situation where someone has done something so bad to someone you love that you want to take a baseball bat to their head (think of the man who molested my brother when he was 16).

ok, I have a hair appointment, but this was fun! Made me think about myself in new ways.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Papers, papers, sex

If I spend all this time writing these papers, I think I deserve a good reward afterwards, like sex! So I've thought about the whole situation and talked to my best friend Camille, because she knows me better than anyone and I've decided, I'm just going to see what happens with all the situations and enjoy the ride. I'm still slightly irritated with Wes. Why did he have to bring up the possibility of us having a committed relationship together about 4 years before that's actually a possibility? Did he really expect me to just sit around and wait while he went out and did his thing? So, since we don't have a commitment and we've both made it very clear that we don't have a commitment, I refuse to feel guilty for any of my thoughts or actions with other men. And, Wes is not getting any when he is here next week. I just don't feel comfortable with that.

So, what's the best way to ask an acquaintance if he'd like to get it on?

The next week is going to be very hectic, and then I leave Friday to visit family. Before then, I have to finish writing 2 twenty page papers. At this point, I have 17 crappy pages for one, and 12 pretty good pages for the other. Tomorrow morning, at 7:45am my students take their final exams, and then I have 3 days to grade about 40 finals, while I'm trying to finish my papers. Then I drive 8 hours to visit family. I come back on the 20th, Wes flies in on the 21st and leaves on the 29th and I leave for Russia on June 7th. Ok, the next month is going to be hectic. Please send lot's of energy vibes my way!

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Am I evil?

Ok, so the last post was about the beautiful flowers Wes sent me and how sweet and great that was. This post is about this guy I know here in Madison I want to nail. Does that make me evil? I actually wrote about him back in March, but the situation seemed hopeless at the time. Things have changed. Although, it wouldn't be a relationship, at least not the type Wes wants with me. This other guy is a colleague, but due to situations is leaving at the end of the summer. There's definately an attraction there but it would be a totally casual thing. I'm not going to have sex with Wes, because it's a long distance thing, and I know he's still having sex with other people. It would be too difficult for me to be in an open "committed relationship." So, what do I do? This other guy knows about Wes. Wes doesn't know about anything. Like I told a friend last night, "If Wes can't keep his dick in his pants, why should I keep other people's dicks out of mine?"

A little help here!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


Today, when I came home from school, there were a dozen yellow roses waiting for me with a card. "Thought you might like something pretty (other than you) around the house while you study. See you soon, Wes." They are so beautiful. Now, I'm not a highly romantic person, and I'm not the type of girl who expects flowers, and Wes knows that. So I guess that makes them even more special, because, not only is it not my birthday or Valentines day, but I would have been perfectly happy with Wes even if he hadn't sent flowers. Now I really can't wait to see him!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

It's not a dream

Wes called at 11:00p last night, apologizing because he knows I'm in bed asleep, but he needs to confirm his flight times with me before he buys. So after I confirm, he buys the plane tickets while we're on the phone. And he e-mails me the itinerary. HE'S REALLY COMING! I'm so excited and nervous and scared and excited and, and, and. And so is he! He's very nervous and scared and excited too. Which I think is a good thing, because I know he doesn't think he's just showing up to get some (which he isn't getting anyway). He didn't want to tell me how he felt about the situation because he was afraid it would freak me out and change the way I acted towards him, but he said we would talk about it while he is here. You know, feelings. But beyond the serious stuff, we are going to have so much fun. This gives me some incentive to keep the house clean and get my papers written.

Yesterday started out pretty good. I found five dollars at the gym. And as a poor student I felt bad, but how are you going to figure out which poor student lost five dollars? So I'm five dollars richer.

But then, last night, I got hit with one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I got those little spangly things in front of my eyes, so I took Tylenol immediately, and that usually heads off the worst of it. Not last night. Last night, I couldn't even see anything for more than 2 hours. During and for many hours after that, intense pain. Which means, I didn't get any homework done, because how are you going to read and write in that condition? Which sucks. So, I will be busy, busy, busy until next Thursday, when I would like to be done. I guess I should go get started.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

What I'm missing

I just got off the phone with my mom. I guess they celebrated Mom's day yesterday since someone is going to be out of town for the next 3 weeks. So there were my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, my grandmere, my aunt and uncle and of course, my brother and nephew. Everyone was playing with Phoenix, because he is cute. When my mom went to put him to bed, he had his little stuffed bunny with him. She said he was a little wound up, because everyone had been playing with him, and he was just talking away to his bunny (ok, he is not even 2 yet, so while he can say certain words, he isn't exactly coherent). When he was through "telling" the bunny about his day, mom said he gave a big sigh, hugged the bunny, rolled over and went immediately to sleep. She said it was so cute. And I'm missing it. I get to see them in 2 weeks. For a whole 5 days. That's it, five days to hold me over until Christmas. And then it probably won't be until summer again. And then Christmas. This sucks. Of course, when he's three, maybe it'll be a good thing I won't see him that much. I just hate being so far away from my family sometimes. Other times, it's the greatest thing in the world!

I got so much done yesterday. A ton of homework. And I cleaned the house. It was a great day. But I didn't manage to hold until the momentum today. oh well, you have to take a break sometimes. I'm getting the important but small stuff off my to do list today. One of which, is taking my vaccination pills for typhoid. Now, this is a live vaccination and some of the side effects are quite unpleasant (along the lines of what typhoid does). So far, so good. Let's hope it stays that way.

ok, I guess I should get some homework done. This was a great weekend. Hope I feel that way about the rest of the week. Only two more weeks in the semester. That's very scary. Gotta get started/finished with those papers.