Friday, December 31, 2004

I'm back!

Well, I'd love to give an update on the family and Christmas and all that good stuff. I'd also love to be on my way to Minneapolis to spend the New Year with my cousins. Instead, I have such a bad headache that I'm sick to my stomach. I don't think I could drive to the store for milk, much less the almost 4 hours to the cities. I'm sure it's just from exhaustion and from sitting in a plane/airport all day yesterday. Why do the two best holidays have to be so close together? I'm going to go take a nap, and maybe I'll update later.

Although, on the student note, I failed two students, but most of them did really well.


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

It is finished. . . .kind of

Well, I just finished printing out paper #5. So now I just need to turn in paper #4 and #5. I also have one oral exam today that I feel like I have not studied for at all. And I'm still receiving
e-mails from students about their grades that go something like this: I know you're really busy and I don't want to argue with you, but just because I have no thesis, make no argument, my paper reads like a 4th grade book report and I used no additional sources, why did you give me such a low grade? Why don't you go back and re-read your e-mail. My professor has the flu, so I may be proctoring the final by myself. We'll see. But at least the end is in sight.

This morning I cleaned my bathroom and I have started little piles of stuff I need to take with me to Dallas. I made little loaves of bread as gifts for a few people, like my friend Beth who is driving me to the airport at 4:30 tomorrow morning. She and her husband, Ryo, asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her nothing, that if they wanted to get me something to donate to a charity or something. I just received a card stating they had made a donation to World Vision, which works with kids all over the world. Isn't that just the nicest thing! I'm lucky to have friends like that.

Well, I suppose I should make sure I have everything I need before I leave. I have to run a few errands before my final. I'm very excited about going home and seeing everyone. Oh, I almost forgot, yesterday I met with the professor I'm TAing for next semester, and she wants me to give the lecture on the Russian Revolutions (yes, there were two) of 1917! That's very exciting.

ok, I hope everyone is doing well, is getting lots of sleep, has finished their shopping (I haven't even started) and that life in general is just good.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Too much to do

By this time Wednesday, I will be sitting on a plane, heading towards the North. Yea, my parents live in Dallas, but for some reason I have to fly to Detroit to get there. That's ok, I like the Detroit airport more than Chicago or Minneapolis. So I'm trying to finish all my school stuff and all the stuff I need to go back to Dallas. The family got together last night and decorated the tree. Normally they would have waited for me, except for the fact that I'm coming in so late. To cheer myself up, I think about where the tree is, and decorating it and the lights and the food in the kitchen and all that. And then I remember: mom and dad moved. This is what's so strange. I wasn't attached to the old house; actually thought it was a bad lay-out, but at least I could imagine my family doing stuff in it. At the new house, well, I've never been there. Mom feels bad, because she'll make a comment about where the tree is, or the guest bedroom (which I apparently will have to fight with my sister for), and then she's like, oh, I forgot, you've never seen the house. I actually had a dream that I couldn't find a bathroom for the entire week I was there. When I told mom, she promised to show me all the bathrooms as soon as I get there. And then, they don't have my Christmas stocking. Which means it's in my basement storage unit somewhere and I have to find time to pull it out before I leave. Yes, our stockings are very big deals in my family. My grandmere knit them the year Elise was born (she actually fit in hers), so they have our names on them and they are HUGE! I think I'm going to have to have two check-on pieces of luggage: between clothes, Francesca's afghan and those final exam's, one just isn't going to cut it. (someone please explain to me why I chose the prettiest afghan that my grandma had to give to my best friend's baby? Now, when I get my Russian babies, they're going to have an olive green afghan). But at least I will get to see my family soon.

So that just leaves these two papers that are due tomorrow and the final I have tomorrow. Yesterday I managed to type up 10 pages of the one paper. It's supposed to be between 15 and 20 pages, so it shouldn't take me more than another 2 hours to finish. I could have finished it yesterday, but for some reason I thrive on stress, so I goofed off a lot. I haven't started typing up the other paper, it's supposed to be 5 to 6 pages, but I do have good notes about what I want to write. I just don't know if it'll be 5 to 6 pages. Today I have to meet with the professor I'm TAing for next semester: I meet with one final student about his paper: and I have a Christmas party to go to tonight. Tomorrow, I will go swimming at noon, treat myself to a good lunch at Chin's and then have my final oral exam for Prof. Hirsch (to whom I owe the 5 to 6 page paper), then I'll turn in the 15 to 20 page paper, then sit through the final exam. Go home, pack, try to clean the apartment. And somewhere in between I need to go to the post office, and pick up some birth control pills (even though I really don't need them for anything).

ok, I should get started,

Saturday, December 18, 2004

More complaints

Today I had the fun experience of asking a student to leave my office. The student didn't agree with my reasoning for giving him the grade he received. You know what, I don't give a flying rat's ass what you think about the reasons I gave you a low grade. The fact is I'm your TA, and I'm grading your final exam, and I get to decide what your grade for the entire semester is. Maybe you should have thought of that before you highly pissed me off. And while I appreciate the apology you sent, you still crossed the line.

So, even though I have my own papers I need to write and a final to study for, this is one of night's when I wish someone was here. I wish there was someone to give me a giant hug and just hold me until I quit shaking. Someone to listen to me gripe about how much this pissed me off. About how I hate to have my competency questioned, especially by some kid who doesn't know half the stuff I knew when I was in high-school. Someone to make me laugh. Someone to make me tea. Someone to rub the tension out of my shoulders. Someone to make love to me until I forgot all the shit with the students this week. Until I forgot I have two papers to write and a final to study for. Until I forgot his name, my name and everything else I know. I would still know more than that little shit student though!


Friday, December 17, 2004


Well, I expected a few people to be upset about their paper grades, but this is ridiculous. Especially since I told them to re-read the assignment, their papers and then my comments before they complained. If this is how fast they read their sources, that might be one of the problems. Someone actually e-mailed me complaining about his grade, stating he would be willing to accept it, but he wants to know why he got that grade. I had criticized the way he used his source, and he said that wasn't fair because I told him he could use that source. Does anyone else see a problem with this statement? Then he ended the e-mail, and I am not making this up, by complaining that now he had to really study for the final. I sent him an e-mail back explaining that if he had been in class when I handed the papers back, he might not have those questions since I discussed for 10 minutes why all the papers sucked and how they sucked. So, I'm just trying to concentrate on the two papers I have to write that are due on Tuesday and not on that fact that I now want to kill several of my students.

ok, gotta get to those papers,

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

How to destroy young minds.

Today I handed papers back. Well, first, I told my students how great a semester it was for me, and how much I appreciated them making this a great semester for me. Then I gave them candy canes. Then we talked about the collapse of the USSR. Then I told them their papers sucked, and for 10 minutes told them why their papers sucked. Then I gave the papers back and said good-bye. It was a little hard, but I wouldn't have given F's, D's and multiple C's if they didn't deserve them. After one of my classes, one of my students, who hasn't done any work this semester, I mean, none, shows up. He didn't turn in the paper that was due last week and worth 20% of his grade. He starts by telling me it would be an insult to both me and him if he pretended that he worked hard this semester. Then he wants to know, even though he knows I can't give him a grade, if I could read his paper and tell him if its a good history paper. He had finished the paper in time, but not the bibliography, so that's why he didn't turn it in, show up to class or e-mail me or the professor. What was that about not insulting me? But, you know, he doesn't expect a grade. So I tell him "It's the end of the semester. I have papers I have to write. If you are really concerned about whether its a good paper, e-mail it to me in January, and I'll read it then." Don't think that's the answer he was looking for. He should have written the damn paper.

So, tonight I will relax, because the rest of the week until Tuesday is going to be crazy with writing papers, studying for finals, trying to get my apartment clean, packing, buying Christmas presents, and meeting with students unhappy with their paper grades. Of course, I did tell them that if they contest their paper grade, I do reserve the right to lower their grade. Yea, I'm a bitch!


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Three down. . . and how to write a paper

Three papers down, two more to go. I also graded 70 papers this weekend. Some were really, really good. But most of them were not. Apparently, the USA education system sucks. And when students ask you what kind of style you want (Chicago, ect.) they really mean, "show us how to do this, because we will not take the web-page you offered and look it up for ourselves because we really don't care." And it shows. I still have a lot of reading to do tonight, so I will not drone on about how bad the papers are, but, and I never knew this, the USSR collapsed because women were not provided with feminine sanitary items. You learn something new everyday.


Friday, December 10, 2004

Two down

Ok, I just e-mailed my professor that second paper that was due (it's the last paper for him) so I only have 3 papers left. One of them is due on Tuesday, and my professor (God bless her) gave me an extension for one of my papers until the 21st (it was due last Tuesday). I am her TA, so she knows I'm also grading 70 papers this week (might only be 69, one student didn't turn one in). I haven't even looked at them yet. I'm a little scared to. But I'm getting my hair done today, and my eyebrow waxed (it'll be eyebrows after the wax), so then I will feel pretty and like I can conquer anything! This weekend is busy, but good and it's almost over and then I can go home and see Phoenix. Mom said he's taking 2 or 3 steps but then gets so excited that he is walking that he does a face plant. Like she said, it might actually be best if hasn't got walking down until the tree is gone.

Had a great talk with Wes this week. I feel much better about the situation. He's not necessarily looking for anything now, he just wants me to keep my mind open to the possibility that something could happen in the future. I can live with that.

ok, I should get some reading done and maybe one or two papers graded before I go get beautiful.

Have a great weekend,

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Longings of various shades: black

Black, like your hair: thick and curly. Looking good short or long. Above your black eyes and dimples, which made you look more like a little boy than a man. And I still wonder, after all these years (4 1/2 since we broke up) why couldn't you get your shit together? Not for me, not even for us, but for yourself. You thought I was everything and I thought you were everything. If I was everything to you, and I thought you were everything, why didn't you think you were everything to you? You wanted to be my knight in shining armor. But it was your own demons you couldn't save me from. I don't want you back. I just want you to be happy. I want this hole in life to go away. But no matter how good anything looks, it still doesn't look like you.

Stacia: not a damsel in distress

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

To do list

Ok, I was just thinking of everything I have to do before next Tuesday, and thought I better write this down. And what better place than on my blog, because I know I won't accidentally throw this away.

Day by day:
I just realized I haven't read for the class I'm TAing and those sections are tomorrow.
I'm going swimming tonight (stress reducer). I have three classes today and I'm meeting with three students.
Tomorrow (Wed.): Four discussion sections. Get 60 papers from my kids: they must be graded in a week. TA training from 5:30 to 7:30p.
Thursday: study group for final exam for USSR history. This is an oral exam. Two classes.
Going swimming.
Friday: Have to e-mail out topic of response paper for my kids. This means I have to have read about 200 pages for them. Hair appointment in the morning. Paper due on Friday afternoon, and pre-lim study group. TA training from 4:00 to 5:30p.
Saturday: Volunteer at the museum. Christmas party. Hanukkah party.
Sunday: church.
Monday: dentist appointment.
Tuesday: two papers due, plus having read over 200 pages for one of my classes. One of these papers is only using Russian language sources. I have three classes today.
Wednesday: give papers back to students. Study section for final exam for them. Set up office appointments with kids unhappy with their paper grades.

And then, nothing until my 15 page paper is due on Tuesday and my final oral exam and I don't know when that will be. The kids take their finals on that Tues. at 5:00p and then I fly home the next day, grading their exams on the plane.

Actually, after writing it all down, it doesn't look bad. Hope everyone else's looks even better.


Monday, December 06, 2004


Ok, Camille answered and my cousin Amanda e-mailed me her suggestions and questions.

Here's Amanda's:

Movie: Frida
Book: The Bluest Eyes or Paradise by Toni Morrison. I have not read either, but they are both on my list of books I absolutely need to read.
Music: Buena Vista Social Club Presents: Omara Portuendo

1. Do you think that the social downfall of society is linked, whether directly or indirectly to the invention of electricity? Yes. I think all innovations or progressive inventions have the capacity to take us backwards as well as forwards. I still think the good outweighs the bad.

2. What do people dream of, if they have been blind since conception? They dream of colors.

3. What is my favorite color? Blue makes me feel comforted, red makes me feel powerful.

Here's Camille's

Movie: Mystic River
Book: Geisha Diaries, another one that's on my list to read (it's a very long list)
Music: Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" I'm assuming you wouldn't have recommended this if you were using your real name!

1. What will I name my Russian babies, or will they keep their own names?
I depends on how old they are when I adopt them. I would like to name my little boy after my grandpa, but I want the kids to have Russian names, so I was thinking of Weston Vasily. For a girl's name, I like Katiana.

2. If I hadn't invested all this time in this line of study (Russian/USSR history for those of you who are dense), what do I think I would have liked to do instead? Either working for a international humanitarian group with kids or a photojournalist.

3. What unfulfilled fantasy do I still hope for? Sad to say, but the first thing I thought was Charley. I guess old hopes die hard. The second fantasy was my library fantasy. I'll spare you the details!

ok, I'll be more than happy to take any more suggestions/questions. Now, back to papers # 2 and 3.


Friday, December 03, 2004

One down. . . .

Ok, one paper down, four more to go. One of the four is for a pre-lim study group I'm in, so I think I may ask the professor if maybe I could give him topic suggestions, historiography trends, that sort of thing, rather than writing a paper. I'm not getting credit for this, although it does mean that when I take my prelims, this particular professor will make sure there is only one hoop and that it will not be on fire.

Meanwhile, I have only sneezed about 500 times this morning. I know I need to dust my apartment, but I don't think that's why I'm sneezing (I always need to dust my apartment). This really is not a good time to come down with something. I'm supposed to go out with friends tomorrow afternoon to some Christmas around the square thing. So we'll be outside all day. And I don't want to get chubs sick, since he's just a kid (and a very cute one at that). Hopefully whatever it is will miraculously disappear. Or maybe I'll just scare it away with all the homework today. I'm already drinking my second pot of green tea (from Japan).

Finally, I stole this from Kymmie's blog, as instructed, so here goes. I don't really know how many people read my blog, and not really sure if I want to know, but it might be interesting.

A) Recommend to me
1. A movie
2. A book (if you recommend one I've already read, I'm going to ask for another recommendation).
3. A musical artist, a song, or an album
B) Ask me three questions
C) put this on your blog.

ok, I have about 1,000 pages I need to read today, and the other 4 papers I need to work on. Everyone have a great weekend.


Tuesday, November 30, 2004

chto chto?

For those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, here is the web page for the summer program I am hoping to attend this coming up summer (hence the name, summer program). I would want to go to St. Pete's only because I've only spent a couple of weekends there. I've spent much more time in Moscow. However, Elena, Illona, Alexi and Anna all live in Moscow, but they all love to visit St. Pete's. I would have to visit Moscow though, just to see Elena's mom. I am also applying for funding, because I really don't want to use my Russian baby fund for this trip. And, also for those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, you need to get out more!

Ok, I need to mull over this Wes issue. He is currently out at sea and will call me when he returns and I promised him we would talk about whatever it is he wants to talk about when he gets back. So, Camille grilled about this situation yesterday, which is why she is my best friend. After numerous disastrous relationships, she knows better than to trust my judgment. These are the issues we decided we wanted clarification about. 1. What are your intents? 2. What is your time-line? 3. Are you willing to have an open relationship if it will be a long-distance relationship? 4. Why now? 5. Are you willing to have a sexless relationship until further notice? 6. How to you intend to address the long-distance issue? See, I've never, ever really looked at Wes as relationship material. Sorry babe, but you're not known for your fidelity (not that I am either, but we're not talking about me). And since I know a lot about Wes, it makes me question motivation. But, at the same time, since we are such good friends, why is he willing to put that on the line? We are highly compatible, but I don't love Wes. I think I could, and to me compatibility is much more important than immediate chemistry. To me, immediate chemistry is not love, it is a one night stand, or a steady bed buddy, nothing more. I don't want to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to settle. I also just don't think this is good timing. I just really don't see myself with anyone for at least 5 years. I'm happy being alone, and that's just really the way I view my future. It's just me, my house, and my two Russian babies. A garden in the back, maybe a cat and/or dog, but I don't really see a man until after that point (Which when I think about it, might actually be 10 years). And, sorry to say it Wes, I am not sexually attracted to you. Maybe it's because we've been friends so long. That is just not there. And I can't even think about it.
But the fact that I'm even considering something with Wes is freaking me out.

Alright, I am going to forget about the whole situation until I have to think about it again. I have 5 papers to write. Like I said, endless fascination.



Funny story about Grandma and it explains so much. Some commercial came on TV, I think for ice-cream, maybe pudding, I don't remember, and it doesn't really matter. Grandma must have had whatever it was and asked if I wanted any. I asked what flavor, and the answer was vanilla. "We only buy vanilla. If we want something on it, we'll put it on it, but we're really vanilla people." You don't say!


Sunday, November 28, 2004

Thankful to be home

I am home! Thank God! I love my family, but it's always good to be home.
I actually had a great time at my grandparents. The weather driving out there was beautiful. My cousin Shante and her husband Andy were there. I've always liked Shante and Andy is just a nice guy. My other cousin Creed and his girlfriend Angie and their beautiful baby Ashley Berlyn also came for thanksgiving dinner. It's so nice to find out that not only do you love your family, but you really, really like them and consider them friends and wish you could see them more. The baby is sooooo cute. Huge, chubby cheeks. Big blue eyes. Looks just like her mom. But with her parents, she was bound to be cute. So the weekend went well. Except for the speeding ticket I got less than an hour from my grandparents house. But the state trooper was cool, because he could have also added the fact that my correct address on my driver's license.

But I am thankful for my family, thankful that we all love each other and get along so well. I am thankful for my friends, especially Camille, who has been my friend forever. I am thankful for my overseas friends, Nane, Peter, and Elena. I am thankful for Amanda, Andrea, Wes, and Tonya. I have so many people I can turn to whenever I need anything. I hope they all know I would do anything for them too.

I am thankful that I am in school and that I have the opportunity to travel, and learn and meet new people. I am thankful that I can follow my goals and dreams.

I am thankful,

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Longing in various shades: blue

Longing for the blue sweater, your blue sweater, that swallowed me up the way you wanted to swallow my mind and soul. It hugged me the way you did, loose and heavy, both at the same time. Yet after I took it off, we had to make sure none of my hair was on it, in case she found it.
And under the moon, at the castle, on a hill, in the rain, in Germany, drinking beer and eating pringles, talking about philosophy, history, literature, life, love, and distance.
Holding hands like little children, but never going beyond. Like if we started we would never be able to let go of each other. And you had someone waiting for you at home, and I guess I did too. And those words on our final night, "you can fall in love in 3 weeks" but can you?
It's been one and a half year, and now your e-mails are signed by her and you.
But every now and then, I get an e-mail, telling me you miss the beer and pringles, and our walks, our talks, the rain, the hill, the castle, and the shooting star we wished on. And you promise me hugs and tell me no one is good enough, but you don't want me to be lonely either. And I pull out my favorite picture, the one where I'm wearing your blue sweater, and we look like we belong to each other and maybe you were right about only needing 3 weeks.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Rainbow halos

Note to self: don't forget goggles when you swim laps. Everything stills looks foggy.
Same common complaint: got lots of homework done, but it's never enough. I'm polishing my Zionism paper, the one I've been working on since I became an adult. Ok, maybe not that long, but at least a year. Next semester I might be on a discussion panel discussing Jews and institutions. I really don't know what that means, but it'll look good on my CV. (could someone please tell me the difference between a CV and a resume?).

All this stuff with Phoenix is making me think about parents and their roles in kids lives. Even though I have a great adoptive dad, I know I still wonder why my biological didn't want me. And I know he would never phrase it that way, but actions are actions. At this point, I don't care about him, I have a great dad, one who probably did a better job than the biological one would have done. But, I do have 2 half-sisters who don't even know I exist. They are still teenagers, and it saddens me to say, I don't remember both their names and I don't know their birthdays, or how old they are exactly. I don't want them to find out they have a much older sister and think I never thought about them. But being a teenager is hard enough without finding out you have a sister. I should write to their mother, who is no longer married to my biological father. But she is the one who kept them from me to begin with. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just fade, and who knows, they may never find out about me.

The weather was just on. Apparently the first chance, and only chance, of snow in the next week is on Wednesday: the day I'm driving 7 1/2 hours to visit my grandparents. Great.

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep so I can get up and do more homework. Oh, could life get any more fun.


Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Phoenix Update

Craig had court today, and it went a lot better than it could have, but mom and Craig were a little unhappy. Corinne was granted temporary joint custody, with primary placement with Craig. However, this is only for two months and she does have to follow certain criteria. Since she told the judge she had used drugs in the last 10 days, she did not have to take a drug test today, but she will have to take one every two weeks. She can only have supervised visits with Phoenix. If her mom is not present at these visits, her mom will go to jail. She has to finish high school (at an at risk school) and she has to apply to cosmotology school. The lawyer told my brother that this judge usually gives the parent enough rope to hang themselves. So, if she doesn't show for the drug test, or doesn't even show for visitation, she is screwing herself over. She's been talking about finishing school and going to cosmotology school for 2 years, so we're not holding our breathes there. Overall, I think Craig will end up with what he asked for. The judge did not award any child support either. Corinne's lawyer told Craig's lawyer that Corinne has a terrible attitude and the only reason he is representing her is because her mom is paying him. I think it will be good in the end. And the judge is right, Phoenix needs to have a relationship with both parents. It just remains to be seen if Corinne wants that.

Otherwise, that is it. Lots of homework. I can't wait for Christmas.


Monday, November 15, 2004


I called Andrea last night, and maybe I should give some background information on everyone. I met Andrea as a sophomore in highschool. We are almost total opposites personality wise, but we enjoy many of the same things. She is an only child, and she is very aware that she is high maintenance (her words, not mine). I also met Wes at the same time. Wes and Andrea were already friends. Andrea and I both had highschool crushes on Wes. Wes and I are very compatible personality wise, and Andrea always kind of thought I "stole" Wes and his friendship away from her, even though they remain friends. This is where the complication sets in: Andrea is in a serious relationship right now, and she thinks that Wes is only interested in me since he can't have her. They too had a previous relationship similar to Wes's and mine. This is the thing, Wes does view Andrea as one of those weird, "good-girl" that got away, but ever since highschool, he has been aware that we are more compatible. So if I know this, why does it upset me that Andrea doesn't. I know that on the one hand, she needs to think this for her ego. She doesn't get hit on very often, and she's about to break up with her guy because he won't propose, and it's been 4 years. On the other hand, I don't want her insinuating for the rest of our lives that Wes settled for me because she wasn't available (she wouldn't date Wes anyway). Which brings me to another issue, why do I even care? This scares me even more, because it means I'm thinking about this on some level. I'm just going to ignore this, and maybe it will all go away. I need to concentrate on the end of the semester. And since Wes is in CA right now, it's not like I have to deal with it. He might not even call me again for another month or so. I'm sure he means what he said, but, he's not going to back it up with more words or actions. He's just too far away. (I should also add that Wes introduced me to Charley, my ex-fiance).

Alright, I have a ton of homework, because my grandma asked if I could stay for an extra day at Thanksgiving, and I know that when she dies, I'm not going to wish I had done that extra day of homework.


Saturday, November 13, 2004


My friend Wes called me last night. Since he's in the navy, I only hear from him when he's not out to sea, which sometimes means, I only hear from him once or twice a year. So it's always nice to hear from him. We've been friends for 16 years now. A very long time. And though we sometimes have lost touch, we always find each other again. We have a very comfortable relationship, somewhat built upon the fact that Wes always talks like he wants to get with me. I should add, he always acts like a gentleman when I actually get to see him. But we talk about everything, including the women he picks up and what they do, and even though he's always joking that he wants to get with me, we have never, ever in 16 years really talked about our feelings for each other. So it threw me for a complete loop when yesterday, as we're about to say good-bye, Wes tells me that he misses me. And that he wants to see me again. And that he loves talking to me, and feels comfortable talking to me, in a way he doesn't feel with anyone else. And he was serious. And my stomach did a flip-flop. Was that just because I haven't heard a man, any man, say those things in such a long time? Or was it Wes saying those things? I don't know if I want to know the answer.


Thursday, November 11, 2004


I want a man to look at me like he has never seen a woman before. I want a man to smile at me as if he had never had a reason to smile before. I want a man to touch me as if he had never touched a woman before and he wants to discover everything about me. I want a man to touch me like he is trying to discover himself in me. I want a man to go beyond making love to me, to create love with me, with more intensity and desire. I want to make a man feel like I am air, food, and life and without me, there is nothing. I want to make a man feel like he is my air, food and life and without him, I have nothing. I want to become so tangled up, that I am unable to recognize whose limbs belong to whom. I want to become so tangled up, that mine belong to him, and his to me. I want discover myself in a man. I want to feel so intensely that I forget my name, his name, time, place, life itself. I want a man to see me so clearly, that he names me. I want a man to kiss every inch of my body, in adoration of the gift I give him. I want to return that gift. I want a man who is willing to not only enter my body, but also enter my soul. I want a man who makes me want to let him into my body and my soul. I want to desire.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


I'm happy to write that my friend Tiffany is indeed pregnant. And there's only one. Tiffany had been trying to get pregnant for more than 2 years. There was nothing wrong with neither her nor her husband, she just wasn't getting pregnant. So she did those shots, and released like 15 eggs at once. She still didn't get pregnant. That was really, really hard. They did the shots again, and this time they worked (hence the comment about there only being one; she released 20 eggs this time). She was so happy when I asked and she could finally say yes. She went to the doctor yesterday, and got to hear the heartbeat. The doctor said everything looks good so far. They're going to make great parents. I'm so happy for them both. And I'm not giving her Camille's blog page because then she may despair that she finally got pregnant (it's almost over Camille, kind of).

On a sadder note, my friend Andrea called me the other night, and after 38 years of marriage, her mother has filed for divorce. After they retired, it became obvious that her dad was an alcoholic and he was very verbally abusive. Her mom tried to cope with this situation for more than 2 years, but finally had enough. At this point, the divorce is on hold for 30 days, but Andrea really doesn't have any hope that her dad will get his stuff together. While she doesn't want her parents to get divorced, she does want her parents to be happy, and under the circumstances, her mom is very miserable. Like Andrea, I hope they can work things out, but I don't think her dad has hit rock bottom yet. So, lots of hugs and prayers to Andrea and her parents.

ok, nothing else exciting is happening. Just trying to keep up with homework. Giving a map quiz today and I don't have a copy of the map to grade them with. I'm sure I'll figure something out. I have a presentation tomorrow that I should work on today. For the most part, this semester has stabilized, and that is actually a good thing.

hope everyone else has a great day,

Monday, November 08, 2004

Good Phoenix News

I don't know how much my brother is paying his lawyer, but apparently he is worth it! My brother saw the lawyer on Monday night: Corinne got served on Saturday. And, there's a temporary restraining order until the court date, which according to the lawyer should be within two weeks. Corinne called my brother and cussed him out. And then her mom called my mom and wanted to know why Craig was doing this. I think they both thought that they could do whatever they wanted and then when they decided they wanted Phoenix, Craig would just hand him over. Whatever. And Corinne's mom promised my brother that she would always be present when Phoenix was over there, since we know Corinne is doing drugs again. When Craig went to go pick Phoenix up on Saturday, she wasn't there. Corinne was asleep (as you can see, she highly values her time with her son) and her 16 year old sister (who's doing drugs too) was watching Phoenix. I hope everything goes well and quickly.

Other strange news, Friday I went out with some friends from the museum and got chatting with someone who knows my crush better then most. Since it was her going away party, I thought I'd ask about him. I was informed that since he turned me down, I had really managed to dodge the bullet. Apparently he has a victim mentality and is very passive/aggressive. This is totally not the impression I get of him, but I don't know him very well. And of course, if hell actually froze over and he asked me out, I would still go. It's been a while.

Overall, a very good weekend. Got a ton of homework done, and some cleaning. Will finish the cleaning today. The weather was beautiful, although I didn't get outside a whole bunch. I guess I should get started on today.


Friday, November 05, 2004

Thank you Amanda

Thank you Amanda, for explaining it how it is and not being ashamed of the truth or who you are. Thank you for demanding that people around you do the same. Thank you for knowing who you are, and revelling in that. Thank you for not always knowing, and being able to admit it. Thank you for being able to admit when you're hurt, confused, upset, depressed, happy, excited and horny. Thank you for remiding me that a women can be strong and weak at the same time. But most of all, thank you for making me laugh. you're the one person who constantly reminds me what it's like to be real.


Thursday, November 04, 2004

missing you

how do you miss someone you've never known? how do you know someone inside and out, without actually having met them? how do I know that when I meet you, I will know who you are? How do I know that you really exist? That you're looking for the same thing I am? How do I know that even tonight you're looking for me? How do I know you haven't given up hope, like I have?


Something about this crappy-ass weather. And that fact that it's already practically dark. And I have more homework to do then I could possibly finish in two years. And when I tell people I have a social get together, it consists of a study group meeting for coffee or beer (there are some subjects that make more sense when you're under the influence). But I just feel blah. I just want to curl up, with a gorgeous, intelligent, funny, understanding, caring, employed man, in front of a fire and cuddle, and have really hot, sweaty, repetitive, beautiful, animalistic sex. And then take a nap and do it all over again. Never mind that I don't have a man, or a fireplace. I especially don't have the time. Oh well, I guess that's why there's Cosmo.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004


Well, I went out and voted. And I voted for a candidate I wouldn't normally vote for. But I was not struck by lightening and the earth did not explode, so I guess it's ok. I really do feel like either one would be ok, in that neither one will be able to deliver what they promise. Oh, such hope for America! I'm just glad it will be "over" tomorrow. At least for us normal people.

I'm so tired of dreaming about the Revolution. Thank God I give the mid-terms back to the students tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to e-mail the professor the grades.


Monday, November 01, 2004

Nightmares of mid-terms

So I finally finished grading the sixty-something mid-terms. Except there are a few I need to go back over. And I need to figure out if there should be a curve (I don't think so). E-mail the professor to figure out whether I need to convert these into letter grades, or can just leave them as points. Type up the rules of dispute, in case anyone doesn't like their grade. And give them back.

I've had nightmares about Lenin and the Revolutions for three days straight now. Not very good sleeping. And then all this election crap. I can't wait for it to be over. I guess because I study history I take my responsibility to vote very seriously and since this year we get to choose between crap and crap I just don't feel that good about it. But I am voting. I printed out the political platforms for both parties and compared. And I now know who I am voting for. It's not my usual party. But, honestly, I don't even really care who wins.

Charley showed up in my dream last night. And he was here in Madison, in my dream. He wanted to know, one last time if there was a chance of us getting back together. He was going to get married, but had to know about us first. And I looked at him, said no, turned away, and didn't look back. He got on the phone with the other and called her the pet names he used to call me. And I felt. . . pity, for her. And nothing else.

I have to go read about Stalin's terror and the inequality between the races in America. No wonder I'm so cynical.

Stacia, feeling wet, cold, and tired

Friday, October 29, 2004


I saw you today, and you reminded me why my students are only little boys. It was a nice reminder. You make me wonder, if it were another time, another place and you were someone else, and I, I will always be I, no matter what. But under those conditions, would you be more willing, more able, more open, just more? I can make you whatever you want to be. I can take you to any other time or place. But I, I will always remain I. Place me in a house of mirrors and each reflection will be different, but it will still be I. You may not like some of them, but there must be one or two that you find. That's it, just find. Find mysterious, beautiful, dangerous, thoughtful, intelligent, creative, alive, even dead. I am all here. I am waiting and not waiting. Looking and not looking. Finding and not finding. Living and not living. Hoping and not hoping. What are you doing?


Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Today I was observed in class. My advisor came in and sat and watched and took a lot of notes. And my students talked and debated and were brilliant. And my advisor said I'm a natural, that TAing has made me more sure of myself and that I did an excellent job. Wonderful!

And then, I got my student evaluations back. They were great, excellent, wonderful. They have been typed up so I don't know who wrote what. On the grading scale, out of 5, I got 4.27. So, here's some of my favorite comments:

In response to the following question, How well does your discussion section provide an environment that encourage your participation?

Warm like a peat-stove in the height of winter.

How well does your TA answer questions and clarify concepts relating to the course?

She obviously have a wide body of knowledge of the material.
She seems very knowledgeable.
She explains things beautifully.

Please comment of the principle strengths of your TA and on ways your TA could improve?

Her knowledge and passion for the topic are definitely her strengths. She's a fine TA, no real weaknesses.
She is down to earth - not intimidating at all, educated.
She always does a great job guiding discussion and encouraging participation.
No complaints. Her strengths are her organization. No detectable weakness.
Principle strengths: Honesty, great attitude, friendly and well versed in Soviet history, a good TA.

How well does the TA arouse your interest in the course and stimulate your thinking?

Discussion is never boring.
Very passionate and involved with course work/topic.
She does a great job to provoke thinking.
And my absolute favorite:
I have been aroused and stimulated during discussion.
I don't remember doing that, but you are welcome!


Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Little Boys

Alright, perhaps I should start by saying I am thirty: THIRTY years old. I should not find any of my students even slightly attractive in any way, except maybe maternal. I mean, they are ten years younger than me. They are children. They are little boys. However, I realized I have a huge problem today, when my advisor mentioned one of my students, I blushed. Me, blushed. How often does that ever happen (never). He wore a really tight t-shirt today, and I do have to say: damn, damn, damn. Damn, DAMN!!!!! And I think he was wearing cologne. I'm sure it was for a girlfriend, somewhere, who is closer to his age. And probably doesn't know jack in bed. I could teach him so much more than USSR history. So we're being lectured about the millions upon millions of people that Stalin arrested, imprisoned, used as slave labor, shot, starved to death, tortured, ect. and all I can think is: yummy! (as I lick my lips). December cannot get here soon enough.


Sunday, October 24, 2004

USSR mid-term

The weather here is beautiful, especially considering what the weatherman called for. I've had a lovely, if uneventful weekend, doing lots of homework and some cleaning. And then, I start to grade the mid-terms.

Let's just get one thing straight. The Revolution of 1905 was way more of a Revolution than October 1917. The Revolution of 1905 changed the way Russia had been ruled for 300 years. THREE HUNDRED YEARS!!!!!! To the people of Russia, the October Manifesto was HUGE. And, the revolts, riots and violence lasted until 1907. Until the October Manifesto political parties were illegal in Russia. There was no national, centralized, representative body within the government. The October Manifesto created a constitutional monarchy. HOW IS THIS NOT A REVOLUTION? Just because the Tsar was able to circumvent many of the concessions made, he was unable to undo all of them. And the people became aware that they could force the government into action. The Tsar had shown his weakness. EVERYTHING CHANGED!!!! Just because the people didn't get exactly what they wanted (and really, all they wanted was better working conditions and land, not a parliamentary style government) doesn't mean the revolution failed. I mean, the Bolsheviks promised socialism and instead the people got a wannabe totalitarian system. So did that revolution fail too (ok, the Oct. 1917 Revolution wasn't actually a revolution: the revolution occurred later)?

I feel much better now. But I think I'll grade the rest of these mid-terms later. Sorry for the history lesson.


Thursday, October 21, 2004


So I administered the mid-term exams today. They were at 2:30p. At about 1:45p I get an e-mail from a student stating he suffers from depression and the UW mental health system refuses to see him. He got depressed last night, got drunk and passed out. He just didn't think he was up for the mid-term. Well, I can't make that decision. A couple minutes later, he shows up in my office. He reeks, REEKS of alcohol. Like he's been drinking for several weeks straight. After talking to him for a couple of minutes, I realize, he doesn't suffer from depression, he's a drunk. Well, he did show up for the mid-term. It has not been graded yet. I just couldn't believe it.


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

What time is it?

It's midterm time. Papers to write, papers to grade, papers to read. Sometimes I really hate paper. I will be observed next week, and she's coming to my absolutely worse section. These people just stare at me. And they've read the stuff. I don't know what to do. Guess I'll find out next week. Tomorrow I'm giving the mid-term. Then I'm grading them. And this weekend's exciting plans include. . . . .cleaning my apartment after I grade, read, and write.

So I went swimming on Saturday and when I got out of the pool the guy in the lane next to me was so obviously staring at me it was ridiculous. I mean, we're all wearing bathing suits. Although, it's been so long since someone so obviously and unhesitatingly lusted after me, it was kind of nice (would have been nicer if he had been good looking). On the one hand, I think a fling would really help me relax and maybe even attract a long term prospect. On the other hand, I don't even know anyone I would want to have a fling with. There is such an apparent dearth of single men my age in Madison that I'm surprised the city is managing to grow. I know someone whom I'm sure would be more than willing, but I just can't bring myself to do that. It's nothing personal, it's just I don't think you should mess with friends like that. I'm thinking of trying to get a mail-order husband from Russia.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing well and getting plenty of it, or at least as much as they want,

Monday, October 18, 2004


I feel like crap. I hope it's nothing serious, because I have three papers due this week, a presentation to give, and I'm giving mid-terms in the class I'm TAing (which means I'm also grading them). Hopefully it was just the Sunday blues (does that normally include a low-grade fever and swollen lymph nodes?) and I'll be fine today. Just to be on the safe side, I'm not leaving my apartment today!

On a happier note, I was already offered a TA position for next semester. It is an interdisciplinary Russian course (history, literature, economics, ect), sophomore level. It kind of sucks though, because it's a MWF course, which means I have to be on campus EVERY SINGLE DAY! Ok, so that's what it's normally like when you have a job, but I will be taking classes too and I don't study well on campus. I guess I will just have to figure something out. And other good news, my one professor told me my prelim list is way too long and I need to cut it in at least half. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Like I wanted to read all those books anyway.

My friend Andrea called on Sat. night and left a frantic message. I was at a history seminar dinner (yes, that's the extent of my exciting social life). Since I had just talked to Andrea, I knew this was not good and called her as soon as I got her message. Her parents, who have been married for 37 years, retired last year and moved to Corpus. And apparently her dad is an alcoholic (her mom is boarder-line) and they both appear to be suffering from depression and stupidity. Andrea thinks they'll be divorced within a year. I think if her mom leaves her dad, he'll be dead before the divorce goes through (she does everything for him). So Andrea is understandably upset. And she's also afraid one of them will try to come life with her. I understand her fear and hope neither one of them would.

Well, I have a busy day today, and I have to call my friend Tiffany because today is d-day for her. She will know today if she is pregnant or not. I have been hoping and praying that she is.
On to those three papers,

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Rape: in Three parts

I'm learning not to look over my shoulder.
and maybe I'll no longer have that dream.
That dream, where I wake up and
You stand at the end of my bed:
With a rifle,
With a baseball bat,
or worse,
nothing but your hands.
Just because I (will be) am (was) your wife
does not give you the right to enter (me).
The sky is dry, the room is dry
The bed is dry, I am dry.
Regardless, just because you (think you) own me:
it is still rape, when you try to enter my (w)hole.
That is not my soul on your hands, but my blood.
I just close my eyes and
tunnel into that part of me that you can never get to.
Besides, I know this will be over very quickly.

Why do you look for me between my legs?
I am not there.
If you want to find me,
look up at the Starry Night,
walk with me in the Garden of Earthly Delights.
Help me collect Stones from a River.
Join with me, as I perform the Rite of Spring,
or let us play in the Leaves of Summer.
Let's dance among the Soot and Stars,
as we look for the Reptile among the Wasteland.
We can chase the Butterflyz after the Lightening Crashes.
We will survive Little Earthquakes,
as you look into my Green Eyes, as I tell you You're not Alone.
Or perhaps I am in A Room of One's Own
pouring over Maps or even drawing my own Map of the World.
You may find me reading King Lear on the Red Carpets
under the Blue Dining Table in the Red Studio.
But you claim I have a Heart of Darkness
So you shoot the Arrow of God at me
as I try to explain that Things Fall Apart.
I made The Promise to always
sing to you a lovesong, but now
that feels like the Dream of a Ridiculous Man.
I thought you were Some Kind of Wonderful and
I wanted to Praise You.
But now I know that was a Terrible lie and
all I feel is Fear as
I am Waiting for the Barbarians.
You make me wish for the Time Before Man.
I feel like a Raw Youth,
and I know that I can be Cruel but I am not The Demons.
All I am looking for is What I loved
among the Crazed and Midnight's Children.
I listen to the Other Voices, Other Rooms and
pray you quit playing these Wicked Games
and just Say Good-bye.

You called me a whore if I wanted it (which was rare).
Worse if I didn't (which was often).
Words of pleasure rarely spoken between us (in the bedroom).
But now I decide:
Whom to spread for
When to spread
Where to spread
How wide to spread
How many to spread for.
And I discover what you were looking for (myself).
And I no longer look to see if you watch me squirm with a pleasure
that you never provided (anyone).
You no longer exist (for me) on me.

Monday, October 11, 2004

Congratulations Amanda!

Amanda, I was so happy to read the news! I hope the tech was right and that everything will be fine and back to normal, and no more blood and no more fear. Being a woman is a bitch. I have one friend who is pregnant and having huge problems with the whole thing (ok, huge is kind of a pun). And another friend who has been trying to get pregnant for more than two years. I just want to tell her to just go adopt already, but it's not my choice. Sometimes people look at me really strangely when I tell them I don't ever want to be pregnant. I want to be a mom. I want to adopt. But I have no desire to have some weird parasite growing in me. I mean, let's face it, my genes are nothing special. But some people seem to think this makes me less of a woman. Whatever! Everyone makes their own choices and has their own reasons for the choices they make. I am no less of a woman just because I don't want to experience pregnancy and childbirth. Good for those women who do, but leave me out of it.

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Too busy

Well, I guess I knew it would eventually happen. I moved away and eventually I would become less and less important. While my mom still calls every Sunday night, the calls get shorter and shorter. I know a lot is going on with them, moving to a new house, practically raising Phoenix, ect, but it's hard. I had so much stuff I wanted to tell my mom. None of it is too exciting, but it's important to me. Like how my advisor freaked out in lecture the other day when she was being observed. After class she was pretty much crying and I'm just not really good in situations like that, especially since she is in an authoritarian role over me. Or how I'm probably going to have to fail this one kid, because he thinks he's pretty, and I'm willing to bet his parents are rich, and therefore he doesn't think he has to do the work. I don't care that he's pretty or that his parents have money; all I care about is if he does the work. And my advisor really likes that paper that it took me forever to write (see previous blogs). She thinks I'm a really good story teller and my research is really strong. And I finally told Tony that we're not in any way, shape or form compatible and he agreed and we were both happy that it was finally out there. But. . . . I guess I'll just have to tell her some other time.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Death of a husband

Now that I know that Todd is remarried, it is like he is dead and I can finally deal with stuff I was afraid to look at before. It's kind of pouring out, but then it floats away and is gone. It's great. I feel much better. I'm working on another piece. I'm not sure if I'll post it though.

The TAing is going well, but I am having problems with that one pretty boy. He isn't doing his work, but seems to think that's it's going to be fine. I hope an F is fine with him, because that's where he's heading. The semester is about to get busy though. How exciting.

Strangely enough I dreamt about Michael last night, which is weird because the e-mail I got was from Wes. Wes is a player (I love you Wes, but not in a million years), but he wanted to let me know my Mexico pictures were good (I think he used the term sexy beast). And meanwhile, I've been throwing away my pictures of Charley. Sorry baby, but we're not ever, ever, ever getting back together. Ever. (I hate to repeat myself but Charley has a hard time with the meaning of ever). And, if for some strange reason, I had the chance to have a fling with one of my students after the end of the semester, I have narrowed it down to two. I prefer one, the other will do just fine.

gotta get to the homework, before it gets to me,

Monday, October 04, 2004

The Words

The words exploded into their respective colors:
blood red, bruised purple, silent black.
they crushed and weighted and scarred,
worse than the rain of blows.
Blows which left
blood red, bruised purple, silent black.
Or is this just a recreation of a recreation?
The words, the words, the storm of words.
repeat; repeating; repeated.
Then complete, utter, deafening, ear-splitting
These; this; that;
much worse than the blows:
cotton candy pink; light lavender; washed-out grey.
But people understand the blows.
Refuse to acknowledge the explosion of words.
Words painting the landscape of my brain:
blood red, bruised purple, silent black.

Saturday, October 02, 2004


I just don't know. It just swirls and flows and rips and floats above and below me. But I can't grasp it and I can't swim in it and I can't fight my way out of it. It's just there. And I don't even know what it is. I choke and struggle but I refuse to cry. I won't ask for help, for deliverance, because I don't think there is any. I'll just wear myself out and sink slowly. Hopefully there will be something entirely new down there, something I never imagined and then maybe it will be alright. Maybe it's what I'm looking for but I was just looking in the wrong places. I had to lose and tire and give up first. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be lying there besides me. And maybe I'm the virgin Mary

Friday, October 01, 2004


I just received my first TA paycheck, and while much smaller than I used to make in the "business world" it's still much larger than anything I've made since I started school. It's enough to cover all my living expenses. So I will no longer be living in the negative. Very exciting. I might even be able to put some money in savings. That would be nice.

I still enjoy being a TA, but it really takes a lot of energy. I have four sections on Wed. and by the fourth section I'm so tired and losing my voice and I've already said everything three times. And I am going to have to fail some people if they don't do their work. I asked my advisor if I should talk to these students and she said if I don't have a problem failing them, no. They are adults, albeit brand new ones, but they're not freshman either. They know what is expected of them and it has been restated several times. I also have one group that just does not talk at all and I have threatened them with turning their papers in early so I can call on them better during section. We'll see if that works.

I am still swimming. I enjoy it so much that I'm going to try to go more than twice a week. Even though I love the tension of my muscles against the water, I don't feel like it's exercise. It's more like active floating. Just concentrating on slicing the water in pretty patterns and counting to breath in rhythm. It's just beautiful. I really don't think about anything when I swim. When I walk, I feel alone and I think about how I'm alone. I worry about homework. I worry about papers. I worry about everything. But not when I swim. When I swim, I just am. It is a beautiful feeling. Why didn't I do this sooner. I do need to get goggles though, because I'm still seeing halos around everything.

I do believe that is about it for now. I have a ton of homework for this weekend, but what else is new. It's also supposed to get really cold and that sucks. Oh well.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Chicken skin

I just made some of the best chicken I have ever eaten. Ok, it was the best chicken skin I have ever eaten, although the chicken was really good too. I got the recipe out of the food issue of the New Yorker and it is so good that I would good a whole chicken just to eat all the skin. Basically you cream a ton of garlic, mix it with butter and lemon juice and then add Wishbone Italian dressing. Drench the chicken. Cook on 350 for 53 minutes, flipping the chicken and basting it twice during that time. Oh, I forgot, dump a bunch of Lawry's seasoning salt on the chicken before baking. Then, stick the chicken under the broiler, after drenching it again. Watch it until it browns, flip and drench and broil again. Absolutely amazing.

now that I'm stuffed, I'm going to go to homework, because it is a Saturday night and what else is there?

Thursday, September 23, 2004

All's fair. . .

I am so extremely tired and unmotivated. I have a 10 page paper due tomorrow and sat in front of my computer last night and came up with 2 pages. Two! That's it! It's not like I have any free time to day at all. I have things I have to do from 8:30a to 9:00p tonight. I have no idea when this paper is going to get typed. I have 2 papers due next week and a presentation I have to give. And it's not even that I don't know what I want this paper to say: I just can't seem to get it out. And I'm so tired. I'm tired and I have very little social life and have very little time for a social life. Yet, all I want is to be able to come home and just have someone hold me for a while. I don't even have time for that, which is ok, because I don't have anyone for that either.

I still love to TA though. However, one of my students had to drop out of school because his unit got called up, probably to Iraq. He's a really good kid and he's taking it all in stride. His greatest fear is that Kerry will be elected president and abandon the troops over there with no funding or equipment. He really wants Bush back in the White House. This is the first person I know who will be going to Iraq.

well, even though it's 6:45a, I have work I need to do.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

I'm Free!!!!!

I just got some of the best news ever! My ex-husband got remarried this weekend!!!! I'm free! No more worrying about him hunting me down. No more looking over my shoulder to make sure he's not there. No more nightmares that he's standing at the end of my bed. Maybe I can even go into Wal-Mart. Dare to dream! He has officially moved on and hopefully he will never, ever think about me ever again. I hope she's a nice girl and I hope they are very happy together. I hope they are married forever! I'm so excited that I'm going to go to my homework.


Monday, September 13, 2004

School sucks

It's only the beginning of the second full week of school and I'm already exhausted. I'm already looking at everything I'm supposed to get done and shaking my head in disbelief. Why am I doing this? Maybe history should just be a hobby that I do in my spare time, because making history my profession is leaving me with no spare time. Good news: the final draft of that damn paper is getting turned in tomorrow. But I'm sure something else will be due soon enough.

Moving on to even happier things. Well, although the weather is finally beautiful, summer is pretty much over and with it, the chance that I might actually meet someone and start something. With school back in, there is no time and I'm crazy now anyway. Anyone interested in me during the school year has some serious psychological problems and should probably be avoided at any costs. I'm greatly disappointed. I really thought this was going to be my summer. I guess I was wrong. Nothing unusual. Well, I hope he's not out there, because now the answer would have to be no until next summer anyway. Oh wait, I'm going to be in Russia doing research next summer. Guess that means no until I'm finished with school because after next summer I'll be in various places around the world until my dissertation is finished. And I really don't think anyone would be willing to wait around five years for me. I know I wouldn't.

back to reading the history of the entire world, person by person,

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Dreams and other realities

I dreamt about Amanda last night. A very strange dream. She was there, but there was not much interaction, but like Amanda herself, all was needed in the dream was her presence and therefore, the dream was about her. The dream made me realize how much I miss Amanda. Amanda is one of the most real people I know. She feels and write in a spectrum of colors I am incapable of dreaming of. Her emotions experience more than I could ever realize. Amanda is beautiful and sexy and sexual. She is a big girl, but I think she has to be. She feels and lives on so many levels, she needs her bigness to hold it all. I am tiny and this makes me feel like I will explode with all the things going on inside me; like I can't hold it all. Yet I read what Amanda has written and wonder how she can hold it all it all within her. Sometimes, I wish that just for a moment I could crawl inside her, just to experience even a fraction of Amanda. I know she has experienced more pain and loss than I would ever want to go through, but it has made her more aware of life, beauty and futility, in a way that allows her to live and express, regardless of what others think. Therefore I respect her, envy her, love her and right now I really miss her.

I had my first TA sections on Wednesday. Everyone repeat with me: they are babies and you are their TA. Yes, there are a few very pretty ones, but I really don't have time to babysit. Two of my sections are very talkative, the other two, not so much. I really enjoyed the first week though. We will see how it goes. Hopefully better and better.

Back to the paper, which is due Tuesday, so then I can get on to prelim stuff,

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Scavenger hunt

Classes started on Thurs. I had sociology, which looks like it will be fine and then I had to sit in on lecture for the class I'm TAing for. I got there early and sat in the front row. This gorgeous, although probably 21 year old, at the oldest, boy walks in, scans the half empty room and sits next to me. He starts chatting me up and I can see my advisor watching and laughing. This guy finally asks if I've bought the books for class yet. I reply I'm the TA, so yes, I have the books. He mumbles something about being a TA and then turns and basically ignores me the rest of the class. Have to admit it was kind of funny. I also got carded on Friday because this lady honestly thought I was under 21. I guess that's good.

So I'm having a slight identity crisis. Of course I'm a student, but I'm not the smartest student, or the most motivated. I enjoy it, I'm glad I'm going to school, I'm glad I'm a student. But I feel like I have no identity as a woman. I mean a sexual identity. Regardless of all the babies that seem to be attracted to me, I don't want to be a mom. I want a man, like a full-grown one, with a job and life separate from mommy. One who knows sex does more than just get one off. I don't even feel like I have any leads! Maybe one will fall in my lap. With my luck, it'll be in about 3 weeks when school is stressing me out so bad I'll feel like a crazy woman. That might be when I need a man the most, but I won't be at my most attractive.

I should take a moment to wish my nephew, Phoenix, a happy one year birthday! It was Thursday, but since he can't read, and no one in my family reads this, it doesn't really matter. Mom said he is now standing without holding onto anything, but not walking yet. Should be soon. She also said he can say nana, so she began to refer to herself as nana. Must of worked because she said he only says it when he wants her to pick him up. Very smart!

Finally, Amanda, if you're reading this, you should invest in some Anais Nin literature. Her erotica is really good, but her other stuff is even better. Stuff like The Sealed Room, Under a Glass Bell, House of Incest, Winter of Artifice, and others. Everytime I read her, it reminds me of you and your writing. I think you would really like her. Let me know.


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

I'm a TA!

I'm getting really excited about being a TA. We had really boring TA training on Monday and I got my office key and my health benefits and my contract. I'm getting paid more than I thought, which is good. I still haven't been to my office yet, and I share it with 4 other people, so I'm probably going to be stuck with the bad desk in the bad spot with the bad computer, but that's ok. My mom got all excited and she wants a picture of the 3x5 index card with my name and office hours on it that will be outside my office door. I've done some of the reading for the first two weeks of class and I'm already coming up with questions for the first week, which will be the hardest. I have to memorize all those names! I have four sections with 18 people in each of them. Today, besides working on polishing that paper (see previous blogs) I am also going to work on the syllabi for my sections. Mostly it will be class policy, grading, my office hours, e-mail address, ect., but also what I expect out of the students. I really hope I'm good at this.


Friday, August 27, 2004

Big sigh of relief

I met with my advisor yesterday and the first thing she did was hand me the syllibus for the class I'm TAing. Thank God! She had always said I had to finish the paper first. Then we went over the paper. She really liked it and doesn't think it should be that hard or take that long to fix. The final paper is due on Sept. 14th. If I could write the whole paper in two weeks, I can certainly correct it in two weeks.

that's it for now,

Thursday, August 26, 2004


The paper was turned in on Monday. My advisor then took me out to coffee to talk about the TA position and to tell me how excited she was because I was going to be a great TA. Tues. I get an e-mail that there's a few problems with the paper, but no word about the TA position (I supposedly had to finish the paper to get the TA). So I meet her today and have gone over her list and my paper and hope she likes the suggestions I have. I want her to know that I am serious about getting this paper done and I am serious about being a student and a TA.

Meanwhile, Craig has gotten a "real" 9-5 job, something for computers. I know he's upset and not very happy about having to do this, but I am really proud of him. He has stepped up and decided that his son is more important. I now view my brother as a man, rather than my little brother.

well, gotta go to work,

Monday, August 23, 2004

Nicole's pregnant!

If you don't know who Nicole is, don't feel bad: I don't either. But apparently this was very exciting news, received by my upstairs neighbor, on her balcony, at midnight. For those of you who know me, I'm never up at midnight, so this did not please me. Hopefully it'll get too cold to have conversations outside at midnight soon.

Well, I turned in my paper. I'm a little nervous because my advisor then took out for tea and kept telling me what a good TA I'm going to be. If she doesn't like the paper, I don't get to be the TA. Hopefully that won't be an issue. So I'm really excited about the semester now. I have to come up with office hours. I still don't have classes on Mondays or Fridays, so that's going to be really nice.

I guess that's about it. I just need to clean my apartment. Apparently when I'm stressed out I cook and I think I got every single dish I owned dirty yesterday.

ok, hope everyone else is good.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Finally Finished

Well, the paper is finally done. I have 34 pages and 2 pages of bibliography. My co-worker and friend Katie read it yesterday at work and made many very valuable and excellent suggestions, as well as praising my paper (thanks Katie!) and I'm obviously still in paper writing mode because this sounds like my paper. I am happy with the final product. I could have added way more, but I don't know that it would have added much. I know that tomorrow I will do a final re-through and find it terrible and will again fear that she will not like it, but this paper is at least 100% better than anything I have ever given her. Worst case scenario, she accepts the paper and asks for a few changes/corrections. Best case, it's great as is and that's that. My shoulders, back, neck and hands hurt so much. I'm so glad I'm finished. I just hope she likes it, because I worked so hard. I don't know how depressed I would be if she doesn't like it. So I won't even think about it.

anyway, I think I'll read something not related to Zionism in Russia!


Tuesday, August 17, 2004


Yesterday I typed 6 more pages, taking my total up to 17 pages complete. But I felt like I was floundering, not sure what I was trying to accomplish. Knowing that it is much easier to "fix" 17 pages rather than 35, today I will go through my paper and organize it. I also sat down and decided what the purpose of the paper is, what I'm trying to prove, how I'm going to prove it and, most importantly, am I going to get 35 pages out of this. And I think the answer is yes. Yes I know what I'm doing, how I'm going to do it and I will get 35 pages. And there was much rejoicing.

Then, last night, I decided I wanted to watch a bit of the Olympics so I turned it on. Men's gymnastics. Can you say yummy? The strength it required for half that stuff was just pure beauty. Needless to say, I didn't get much work on my paper done last night. No Olympics tonight!


Sunday, August 15, 2004

Day of rest?

So, turns out the semester actually starts on Sept. 2nd a Thurs. Which is about the stupidest thing I ever heard, especially since the next Monday is labor day and therefore, no classes. Whatever. The only problem, is that my professor decided she wants my paper on Aug. the 23rd instead of the 30th. That's a one week difference. With a paper this size, that's a huge difference. I know I can do it, especially since I don't work this week, at least not until Friday, but it's going to be difficult. I managed to pound out almost 6 pages today, taking me to a total of 11 pages. I'm hoping for at least one more day where I can get 5 to 6 pages out, if not more, and then just 2 to 3 pages a day after that. Writing the whole paper isn't going to be that bad. It's the editing and organizing once it's written and proof-reading and all that good stuff. It really has to be a good paper and sometimes when I'm typing to just type, it ends up not making much sense (I'm sure none of you have figured that out by now).

Also found out more junk about Corinne that makes me so incredibly mad that I almost hope, well, I'll just keep that prayer to myself. We pretty much knew she was using drugs again. She would go out all night and leave Craig home with Phoenix, so we kind of figured. Craig found out on Friday that she was using during the day too, when she was the one watching Phoenix and often driving afterwards. That just makes me sick to my stomach. How in the world can you do drugs and then make sure your baby is secure in it's carseat so it won't get hurt in case of an accident? I hope she od's and dies. Guess that prayer slipped out.

Anyway, I guess I should go work on my paper some more. I'm so excited! I guess this is one time when not having a social life really comes in handy. No distractions!


I've had to re-edit this page five times already because I keep finding typos! I hope I do better in my paper.

Thursday, August 12, 2004


So even though it's October like weather here (we're setting new record low highs), I had watermelon and a nectarine for breakfast. Very delicious, but I will be hungry in about 15 minutes. Good thing I'm home.

Last night I'm surfing the web, trying to figure out if I should do one of those internet dating things. I'm not sure if this is actually a good time to start dating, but if I waited until it was a good time, I might be dead. So here are a few irritations at looking at these electronic classifieds. First, please have someone read and edit your profile. Nothing turns me off like a profile with misspelled or incorrectly used words. Second, the word I is supposed to be capitalized. If you don't capitalize it, it looks like you're either trying to be cutesy, sweet, meaning trying to convince us you're sensitive so we'll jump into bed with you, or it looks like you have no self-respect. Neither of those options is attractive. And finally, find a decent picture. Don't use a picture that's so dark you can't see anything and don't use a picture where it's obvious that at one point there was a woman draped all over you. I'm sure you know someone with a digital camera who can take a great new picture of you now. Just flipping through them convinced me that this is not the way I want to go.

Anyway, looking at my fall schedule and turns out I don't have classes on Mondays or Fridays. That's kind of cool. But the semester starts on Sept. 2nd. That's a Thursday. Who planned that? It's just stupid. And it throws off my schedule for my paper. Which, by the way, I should be working on right now.

Gotta go type something intelligent,

Forgot to mention, my baby sister, Elise, turns 18 today. I guess that means all my parents kids are no longer kids. I bet they're happy.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Phoenix update

Talked to mom last night. She said Phoenix is finally on a schedule and seems much happier for it. Craig was going to try to just have an "agreement" with Corinne about Phoenix, but her mom told him that she (her mom, not Corinne) is looking into drug treatment centers for moms so Phoenix could go with her. As I told my mom, that doesn't mean Corinne would do it. But that did make Craig realize he needs to get everything legalized while he is on the offensive and she is on the defensive. Mom has talked to corinne's dad (her parents are divorced) and he, his mom, sister and wife have stated that if it went to court, they would all testify against Corinne. When Craig and Corinne first started dating her family told my parents that Corinne is manipulative and just out for herself. Apparently this is very true (she wasn't even upset about Craig telling her to move out, it was like, ok, I've got to find someone new to take care of me). Thankfully, all these people care about Phoenix and want what's best for him. So hopefully, Craig will be able to get stuff in the system before she even thinks he'll do something like that. And it would be great if it didn't take that long.

Meanwhile, I am starting to type my paper today and hope to have 15 to 20 pages by the end of the week. I have to have the paper finished in three weeks and it has to be 30-35 pages. The sooner I finish, the easier it will be to correct and get it perfect!


Saturday, August 07, 2004

Saturday stuff

Well, not too much going on. Just life. It's going much better but I'm still having a rough time emotionally. I'll probably start new medication in two weeks. That will hopefully help. Other than that, it just goes on.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

a new day

Well, feeling much better today. Will try my best to make it last. Have many things scheduled this week, so maybe being busy will help me focus on something other than half of my life. We shall see. Just so everyone doesn't think it is selfish narcissism on my part that has brought me down, there have been some family issues. My brother finally confronted his girlfriend about the fact that she's a bad girlfriend and not that great of a mom. She didn't put up much of a fight. So now my parents have Phoenix. The good news is that it looks like Corinne isn't going to put up much of a fight for custody. The bad news is that my brother may expect my parents to do more than they're really prepared to do. My sister leaves for college this fall, and this would have been the first time in my parents marriage that they would have been childless (I was three when they married). They were looking forward to an empty house and now to have an almost 1 year old thrust upon them could be a little much. But I know they will do what is best for Phoenix. Hopefully it will all work out in the end (after the end, does anyone really care if it works out?).

Monday, August 02, 2004

I could use a drink

I feel like I could drink at least half a bottle of vodka right now, right out of the bottle. You know, real lady like. At least enough vodka to pass out or forget or float or whatever. This is the first time in at least a year that I have wanted to drink this bad. Or just be a really bad girl with some nameless beautiful face. I just feel like I'm floating in myself and I can't get there to myself. I'm too far away and I don't know if I want to go there anyway. Afraid of what I won't find. Maybe I'm not really there after all.

Saturday, July 31, 2004

Men and other annoying pets

Let me start by saying men are morons. Not only are they morons, but they seem to believe they can treat women however crappy or rudely they want, and if you're 30 and single, you'll still want them. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I can remain single the rest of my life and it won't kill me. I'll not settle just because I don't want to be alone. I did that before and feeling alone when you're with someone is much worse than feeling alone when you are alone. That being said, I wouldn't mind having a man. Sometimes, when I get depressed (yes, I will eventually see a therapist), I feel like I'm a emotional leech on my friends and family. Since most of them have men and children, I don't really think this is fair to them. Yes, that's what friends are for, but still, it's not the same as having your own man hold you and tell you that this to will pass. But it needs to be someone who understands the nature of the beast. To do lists will not make the depression go away, talking about my past will not make the depression go away, yelling at me will not make the depression go away, fixing me another drink will not make the depression go away. Just hold me and let me cry and then take me for a walk. Let me be silent; I'm tired of talking about it. Do the little things: buy me a magazine you saw that you thought I'd like, e-mail me just to say you miss me, cook me dinner. It's the little things that give me hope and remind me that it's worth living. I believe that having given up hope in finding a man who can understand me is what's actually caused this latest round of the blues. Hope is hard to hold on to. At least I have my plants.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

It's good to be home

Well, that's pretty much all I need to say.  My bed, my bathroom, my kitchen, my couch, my music, my car, my friends and even my job.  Thank god I'm back.


Monday, July 26, 2004

Phrase of the trip. . .

Just got back from Mexico.  A great trip.  Usually on trips like these I manage to look like a lobster within 24 hours.  This one, I did get sunburned, but not enough to kill me and mostly I just tanned.  My family went to Mexico with another family from my parent's church.  Craig and Corinne got offered weed a lot, but JJ also got a very interesting offer.   It went like this, "There's snakes in the water.  Want some weed?"  Is the weed going to keep the snakes away?  Are there snakes because of the weed?  Who knows.  But, there actually were snakes in the water.  Thank God we saw them last night, otherwise Elise would never have got back into the water.

We got there Friday morning and went swimming all day.  Did a little body surfing, but was afraid I was going to lose my top.  Although, there were a few people there topless but I didn't want to be one of them.  Saturday we went into town to do some shopping.  On the way back there were too many of us in the cab, so I had to lie across everyone's lap so it looked like there were only 3 people in the back seat.  This was a 50 minute ride with no air-conditioning.  I almost got sick.  Sunday Craig, Corinne and I went snorkeling.  We saw starfish and many other beautiful, colorful things.  They saw an eel, but I didn't.  Craig also got stung by a jellyfish but he survived even though no one peeed on him.  On the way back into the bay, we saw a dolphin and it was jumping quite a bit.  It was very cool, but I still feel like I'm on a boat.  We had to leave for the airport at 7:00 this morning, so we had to get up early.  There was some stupid car in the parking lot whose car alarm went off for probably more than 4 hours last night (at least until 2:00a).  Elise was all freaking out and kept waking me up.  I finally told her I was going to do pillow therapy on her if she didn't leave me alone.  I guess that worked.  All in all it was a great trip.  The water was warm, the beaches were sandy and I got a great tan.  But I can't wait to get home tomorrow.  There's no place like home.
Stacia  "There's snakes in the water.  Want some weed?" 

Wednesday, July 21, 2004


The aquarium was really cool.  Phoenix really liked the otters and penguins and made friends with one of the birds.  I liked the aquarium, but it was a tad bit smaller than I expected.  We had a good time though.  I got to feed Phoenix lunch and then babysat him the rest of the day.  Babies sure wear you out.  Phoenix is starting to crawl, but he looks like an inchworm and is going to get carpet burns on his face if he doesn't figure out how to raise up his legs and arms at the same time.  Then we took a nap together.  Then we went swimming.  Phoenix loves to swim and to splash.  Both my brother and Corinne swam on swim teams, so water is this babies favorite medium.  Then we played some more.  Then I fed him some gross looking baby food.  Then a walk.  Then the rest of us had dinner.  Then we tried to get him to crawl for dad, but he wasn't interested.  But he sure is talking a lot, even if we have no idea what he is saying.  I think he's finally going down for the night.  I'm not far behind him!

We weren't supposed to babysit all day, but Corinne kind of disappeared.  She said she would be back in a few hours, but no one could find her, including my brother.  I have a feeling that after this Mexico trip things are going to go down between the two of them.  When Craig first told me she was pregnant, I offered to let them or just him and the baby, come live with me in Wisconsin.  I think I'm going to make that offer again.  I doubt my brother will take me up, but I do want him to know he has options.

anyway, tomorrow I am going to do more homework and get ready for Mexico.  I haven't been sleeping well since I got here and have had weird dreams/nightmares every night.  Hopefully tonight will be different.


Yesterday my sister and I went to the Dallas Museum of Art and the Nasher Sculpture Center.  The DMA had a Dali and a Bearden exhibit.  The Dali stuff was very cool.  Half of it was commissioned by someone in Italy and it was Dali's expression of Dante's Divine Comedy.  It was beautiful, but not what you think of when you think Dali.  Bearden was a 20th century artist from the South and African-American.  He was one of the first African-American artist known as an American artist who happened to be African-American.  This might not seem like a big deal, but it really is if you think about it.  This exhibit is a Smithsonian exhibit and their magazine had a great article about it a few months ago.  Very colorful and very expressive.  After the DMA we walked to the West End (6 or 7 blocks in 90 degree weather) and had lunch.  Then to the Nasher Sculpture Center.  Nasher was a private collector and every museum was trying to acquire his collection before he died.  Instead of selling it, he decided to build his own center.  It was very well presented and has a beautiful walking garden with sculptures outside.  The reason we went is because we are both Matisse fans and the Nasher collection has about 12 of his pieces.  He also owns about 15 Picasso's.  Absolutely wonderful.  It was a wonderful day and my sister and I had a great time.  We also didn't fight (of course, we didn't talk much either!).  It's nice that she enjoys doing these type of things with me.  We also found a really cute children's book at the Nasher center called When Pigasso met Mootisse.  When Phoenix gets older, maybe I'll get it for him.  Well today we, meaning my mom, sister, sister's boyfriend, Corinne and my nephew Phoenix, are all off to the Dallas World Aquarium.  I'll let you know how that is tomorrow.


Saturday, July 17, 2004


Texas hasn't been so bad.  It's been really hot, but other than that.  I've been swimming, although not much of a tan yet.  We played cards last night and I won.  Today I'm trying to teach my sister to cook.  That should be big fun.  I'm going to see my best friend today if morning sickness doesn't get to her first.  Hopefully I'll make it to the DMA and a few other museums this week.  And as usual, I need to work on my paper.  Tomorrow the family is coming over, so I will get to see Phoenix and my brother.  I need to ask him when I can get pierced again.  I guess that's it for now.

Friday, July 16, 2004


Well, I'm here for the non-wedding.  And I'm not all that happy about it.  I have a ton of work to do on my paper which would be much easier to do if I were closer to my library (yes, I now own memorial library).  But the weather is nice and so is my parent's pool, so I can't complain too much.  I did forget my passport, so a friend will be mailing that to me so I can go to Mexico.  Hopefully this will be a relaxing vacation and I'll be able to get everything together that I need to.  It will be nice to see the baby again.  And my dad remembered to pick me up from the airport (they are never on time picking me up).
that's about it for now,

Tuesday, July 13, 2004


The meeting with my advisor went very well, I was very pleased. She still expects me to be her TA this fall which means she thinks I'm good enough to finish my paper. I now have a topic and I just have to pull it together. Considering how much stuff I pull out of my ass for school, you'd think it would be bigger.

Meanwhile, I finished Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin. It was a good book, but I don't think it has quite the depth of her earlier works, such as Cat's Eye or Surfacing. It was still good though. As I finished this book and began doing more research for my paper, I heard something outside and stepped out to look. Oh goody, there's a man lying on the ground and some people are kicking him in the head. How pleasant. So I called 911. Thankfully others had called as well (those who knew both parties) so although I had to make a statement, I didn't have to identify anyone and they won't need me for anything else. So hopefully, that's the end of that.



I have a meeting with my advisor today concerning the paper I've been working on (I'd say writing, but I haven't actually begun writing it yet). My advisor and I have not seen eye to eye on several other things concerning my academic career and I'm a bit worried that she will reject my paper idea again (even though she was the one who first suggested it, again). If this happens, again, I really don't know what I would do. If my advisor is determined that I never finish, then why bother wasting any more time and student loans on my education? I have nothing holding me here and I'm not moving back to Dallas. I would probably try to get a job in Moscow for a couple of years. That would certainly help my proficiency with Russian and I could travel quite a bit in the former USSR lands. And I could adopt a couple of kids too. Sounds like a great situation to me. Anyway, I need to go prepare for my meeting. Sometimes she reduces me to a blubbering mass of stuff.

On another note, I'm going to make a doctor's appointment to see if I can get a prescription of Zoloft. I thought I was keeping on top of everything, but evidently the dark dog has returned.

Monday, July 12, 2004


I did not mean to indicate that I provoke huge, life-threatening fights at the beginning of new relationships. That comes later. After I have explained my past in as sparse language as possible. Not that I expect men to pick up instinctively what is going on. Men don't want details, they don't ask questions. They just start looking at me as some wounded thing that needs to be healed and treated as less than whole. My marriage did not damage my intellect, just my emotions. So I need to be willing to more openly discuss what happened to me (my therapists told me I have post-traumatic stress syndrome) so that I can get some legitimate understanding. Maybe Charley was right: I need to talk about my emotions more. They just seem so dangerous and uncontrollable. They aren't logical. They make me so angry. I mean, if they're mine, shouldn't I be able to control them? Perhaps I am better off alone. To expose all of this would just hurt too much and make me feel raw. Like living through it all over again. And I don't ever want to do that.

Friday, July 09, 2004


Since it's summer and it seems that everyone is thinking about relationships, I've been doing some thinking myself. I thought that I needed one of those guys whose willing to push back and "put me in my place". Due to my past, I push men hard to find their breaking point (ok, I want to make sure they're not going to hit me). Most men don't take this very well and take it as a personal affront. Some think I don't trust them (I don't). So I thought I needed the guy willing to stand up for himself. What I really need is a man who understands why I'm pushing and kindly and gently point out that I am displacing my fear and anger. Otherwise it seems I'm always fighting two different fights, and the men don't realize it. I guess I need someone secure in who they are. Are there any of those? I don't need someone to tell me how they feel about me, I need someone to show me how they feel. Although I love words, many times I feel they have become meaningless. Actions though, they speak much louder (when my ex-husband was screaming "why don't you understand how much I love you?" while slamming my head into the wall, well, guess whether I believed his words or actions). There is a softer side to me, it's just buried really deep. Feel free to look for it.


Thursday, July 08, 2004


I'm am so bored, but I don't know what I want to be doing. I should be working on my paper, but every now and then my brain likes to do other things. It's just not sure what. When you spend all day in the library even reading for fun doesn't sound all that fun. Hopefully something will happen soon.


Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Good ideas, bad practice

I'm supposed to be writing this paper about Simon Dimanshtain and the Jewish policy in the USSR until 1924. Yes, I can see that many of you are already excited and agitated by the intrigue and interest that this topic suggests. But while working on the paper today, I actually got into the topic that I will eventually (if I ever get there) write my dissertation about, which is the state/party system of the USSR. Mostly this concerns the creation of a huge bureaucracy, which I believe is part of the reason that communism, according to Lenin, failed. I see the rest of you are now excited beyond comprehension that I will eventually solve the hang-ups of communism and then we can all live in error-free socialist utopias. Ok, so the reason this interests me (and it's one of the few things that does, these days) is because, like love or romance, communism is a beautiful, wonderful, incredible theory on paper and absolutely unrealistic in real life. Unless you're talking about those few countries in northern Europe that have managed socialism without going bankrupt. That would be an interesting comparison. Not only did the Bolsheviks not achieve communism, they screwed it up so badly that, well, so badly that there's really not anything else to compare it to. What they ended up with didn't even remotely resemble communism. Of course, then there's the debate about what communism is: an economic system, a state system, an entire life ideology, all of the above. You would think they could get at least part of it right, but no, they had to go and screw up every single aspect of it. Amazing. They should get credit for that at least. And just so you know, the PRC is not communism any more than the USSR was. It seems they have given up but have forgotten to change their name and let their people know. The free market knows though. Alright, enough of this. Return to your exploiting, capitalistic lives.

Sunday, July 04, 2004


I just started reading The Tale of Murasaki by Liza Dalby and came upon this great line, which, unfortunately rather applies to my life. "I was annoyed at how poorly reading prepares one for real life. One comes to expect things to occur in a particular way and then they do not." That's why I just never leave my apartment and instead read all the time.


Saturday, July 03, 2004


I've just finished Coetzee's Dusklands which is a very weird set of fiction/non-fiction. Coetzee's Waiting for the Barbarians is one of my favorite books, but I wasn't really impressed with Disgraced. One can see the basis for Barbarians in Dusklands. He also wrote a fictionalized account of Dostoevsky, which I own but can't bring myself to read. What kind of hubris does it take to presume to know Dostoevsky? Well, I suppose I should go work on the endless paper. I do have to finish it soon and I guess beginning would be the best way to do that.


Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Free Cow

I know it is usually men who are deemed adverse to spending long periods of time with one person (I believe the word I don't want to say is "commitment") but as you can see, this is not just a man issue. It's not that I'm opposed to long-term, permanent type relationships, it's just that I don't know if I would be very good at it. I get bored easily. And to be honest, most men don't view me as long-term type material. My cousin Amynda put in her on-line journal that she is the girl who gets hugged but never kissed. Well, I'm the girl who gets f***** but never gets hugged. I'm moody. I like things a specific way. I don't always like company. I like being alone. I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it, the way I want to do it. But sometimes, it would be nice... Mom says when I meet the right person, I will know and everything will change. I hope so, because right now I put up such a bitchy persona that I don't know why anyone would even try to get close. I just have to know that someone thinks I'm worth trying for. Once I know that someone is going to stick around and they're worth it, I'll treat him like a king. I know I would. I always have in the past. Just turned out that none of them deserved it. So I have to weed out all the losers before I will just start handing out my affections. It's such a catch-22 and it sucks. I want to have hope, but I don't, yet I do. I plan to be alone, forever. It kind of feels natural. But then I see that guy and wonder. The question is, does he wonder when he sees me?

Stacia, the alone, trying not to be bitter, cow.