Monday, July 12, 2004
I did not mean to indicate that I provoke huge, life-threatening fights at the beginning of new relationships. That comes later. After I have explained my past in as sparse language as possible. Not that I expect men to pick up instinctively what is going on. Men don't want details, they don't ask questions. They just start looking at me as some wounded thing that needs to be healed and treated as less than whole. My marriage did not damage my intellect, just my emotions. So I need to be willing to more openly discuss what happened to me (my therapists told me I have post-traumatic stress syndrome) so that I can get some legitimate understanding. Maybe Charley was right: I need to talk about my emotions more. They just seem so dangerous and uncontrollable. They aren't logical. They make me so angry. I mean, if they're mine, shouldn't I be able to control them? Perhaps I am better off alone. To expose all of this would just hurt too much and make me feel raw. Like living through it all over again. And I don't ever want to do that.