Friday, July 09, 2004


Since it's summer and it seems that everyone is thinking about relationships, I've been doing some thinking myself. I thought that I needed one of those guys whose willing to push back and "put me in my place". Due to my past, I push men hard to find their breaking point (ok, I want to make sure they're not going to hit me). Most men don't take this very well and take it as a personal affront. Some think I don't trust them (I don't). So I thought I needed the guy willing to stand up for himself. What I really need is a man who understands why I'm pushing and kindly and gently point out that I am displacing my fear and anger. Otherwise it seems I'm always fighting two different fights, and the men don't realize it. I guess I need someone secure in who they are. Are there any of those? I don't need someone to tell me how they feel about me, I need someone to show me how they feel. Although I love words, many times I feel they have become meaningless. Actions though, they speak much louder (when my ex-husband was screaming "why don't you understand how much I love you?" while slamming my head into the wall, well, guess whether I believed his words or actions). There is a softer side to me, it's just buried really deep. Feel free to look for it.



Bart's Camille said...

You never told me about the head-bashing incident. Is that because you were afraid I would hunt him down with a baseball bat? I would have, most likely. I still might.

It's hard to move on with things like that as your experience in the past. But, reading your post it seemed pretty evident that you're asking too much. Not that asking to be shown love is too much just that you are, as you said, trying to break them - find the point where they snap - and you expect them to just somehow know why you are doing it - and you expect them to accept it too.

I don't know Stacia - I think that's a lot to put on someone that doesn't even know what your favorite color is, what kind of drink you like best, what kind of food you like, and who your favorite author is.

I'm saying - you're not going to find someone willing to commit to giving themselves to you 150% without getting to know them first and you don't even want to get to know them unless they're willing to commit 150%. Making sense?

I love you girl...

Stacia said...

I think you are absolutely right. That was what I was trying to point out in my blog, that my previous way of dealing with things was unrealistic. I need to be more open with people from the beginning, without using my past to try to scare them away. A very delicate balance: one I don't know if I can do. Still doesn't matter. Wisconsin seems to have a shortage of guys interested in dating me.