Monday, February 28, 2005

Pre-birthday blues

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 31, which means, I will officially be in my thirties. I guess that's fine. But, for the past four years I have always gotten a piercing for my birthday. This year, I wanted to get my nape pierced, or finish my belly button (I have 2, want 2 more). But I swim, and the piercer told me, that while he would do it, it wasn't a good idea. Which totally sucks because I really wanted to get it done, but I'm not giving up swimming either. That's how I retain what little sanity I have left. Totally sucks.

I did have a good weekend. I got so much homework done it was ridiculous. I think I may also be fighting off a cold or sinus infection or something. Hopefully it won't fully develop into something that kicks my ass. But regardless, I did get a lot of homework done. I checked out about 20 books on Friday, and one of them has already been recalled, and it's not one I read this weekend. I still get to keep the book for 10 more days, which I fully intend to, but still. And since I did so much homework this weekend, I have no motivation to do any today. That sucks.

Finally got to talk to Camille this morning. She and the baby are doing well. I can't wait to see them.

I guess that's about it. Tomorrow I actually have the day off (just plain luck, not planned) and I'm going to get my hair cut, and get decent looking eyebrows again. Going to renew my driver's license (after the haircut) and make myself a cake and open all my cards and gifts by myself. Moving away from family and friends really sucks around your birthday!

gotta get my stuff together to go to school,
re-reading this, apparently the word of the day is: sucks.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Various shades of longing: red

The way my face flames up when I see you, think of you, touch you, kiss you, lick you, suck you, enter you, finish you.
The color in which I live: the color of aggression, anger and bitterness.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color that makes me happy, and joyful,
the color that makes my heart ache for you.
The color which begins life and the color that ends life.
The color of a type of romance I don't understand and do not want.
Instead I want true red, and your true heart.
Give me what is mine.
Maybe I'll give you what is not yours, and never will be.
Red: the color of protection, of confusion, of despair.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color which engulfs my body and my soul when you see me, think of me, touch me, kiss me, lick me, suck me, enter me, finish me.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


I'm just as tired of school gripes as you are. But unfortunately, that's all I got! My mom did go visit Camille in the hospital and got to hold Francesca. I'm very jealous! That was also the first time she's ever met Bart, and she really liked him. Said he was very good-looking (he is) and very sweet and kind (he is that also). She said when he found out that she was my mom, he took pictures to send to me. I haven't got the pictures yet, but I thought that was nice.

So speaking of beautiful babies: Phoenix update. For Christmas, my aunt gave Phoenix all this rubber duckey stuff: bathrobe, bath matt, just anything you can think of. The other day, it was apparently 80 degrees in Dallas, so mom took Phoenix to the park, where there were lots and lots of real ducks. Of course, they don't look anything like the ducks he got for Christmas, but they sounded just like them. Mom said it was joyful watching Phoenix chase the ducks and that he just laughed and laughed. She said it wasn't happiness, it was pure joy. You know, the joy of a child, before they know what real pain is. The wonderment and amazement that we tend to forget as adults. Like when you're in the mountains at night and look up, and you see, really see, the millions and millions of stars, and how it makes you feel so small but so lucky at the same time, because you can experience this. I need a joyful moment like that. Maybe a joyful falling in love moment. Not someone falling in love with me, but the feeling you get when you realize you're falling for someone else and you have no control over everything, and then you get that smile, the one that let's you know that they feel the same way. I could use that moment. It's been way too long. My 31st birthday is a week from today. I guess that's what I'll wish for.

back to the homework, the great, wonderful, enlightening, never-ending, homework. Some of the other graduate students and I have decided that they should give out competency exams before someone enters grad school. You know, the kind they give in murder trials. The only problem is, they really could only accept those of us who failed, because really, who willing lives like this?

starry-eyed tonight,

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Congrats and H.B.

It's a very happy day. First CONGRATULATIONS to Bart and Camille. Their beautiful (and large, 8lbs. 13oz.) baby girl was born today at 11:22a. I haven't talked to them yet, but Camille left a message on my machine. Regardless of Francesca's size, Camille was only in labor for 2 hours, for which she is thankful. I can't wait to hold her.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Andrea who turned 30 today. In addition to turning 30, she is also getting married this year. I'm sure this will be the best year ever for her.

Back to the homework,

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Fiery hoops

My advisor thinks I should be spending at least 2 hours every day in the library researching to write my dissertation proposal. In addition to TAing this semester, I'm also taking 2 classes and reading for my pre-lims. I have four fields, and each fields list is more than a 100 books. So, let's look at my current schedule to figure out when I can hit the library.

Mondays: 6:00am wake up, journal, prepare myself mentally for the day. 6:45a, make breakfast, read comics, e-mail, ect. 7:15a, eat breakfast, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, 7:45a, read homework, 8:30a, practice piano, 9:00a, translate German article, 9:30a, read some more, 9:45a, make lunch, make sure all my stuff is in the backpack, 10:13a, leave for bus-stop.

11:00a, swim (for my mental health), 11:45a, shower, get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:15p, attend lecture for class I'm TAing, 2:15p, go to the library and read homework, 4:30p meet with Russian speaker and practice Russian, 6:30p, catch bus home.

7:00p, get home, make dinner, check mail, check e-mail. 8:00p work on applications for summer language program, 9:00p, work on papers or read more homework, 10:00p, do dishes and get ready for bed.

Tuesdays: See above from 6:00a to 10:13a

11:00a, office hours, 12:05p teach class, 1:20p, teach class, 2:25p teach class, 3:30p teach class. 4:30p, go to library, do homework 5:47p, catch bus home.

6:15p, check mail, e-mail, make dinner. 6:45p, eat dinner, 7:15p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Scrubs and whatever crap is on after it. 9:00p read homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.

Wednesdays: See above for 6:00a-10:13a.

11:00a, swim, 11:45a, shower and get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:20p, attend lecture, 2:20-3:30p, office hours, 3:30p go to library, research for paper, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:20p, make and eat dinner, 6:00p, go back to campus for study group, 8;45p, get home, check e-mail, do dishes, 9:30p, read homework, 10:00p, get ready for bed.

Thursdays: See above for 6:00a to 12:45a.

1:20p, go to seminar, 3:47p, catch bus home, 4:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. Read homework, 6:00p, make dinner, 6:30p, eat dinner, 7:00p, read homework, 9:00p, e-mail class, 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.

Fridays: See Mondays and Weds. from 6:00a to 2:20p. Every other Friday, at 2:30p, meet study group, otherwise, go to library, do research, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. 6:00p, make dinner, eat dinner, 6:45p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Reba, 9:00p, do dishes, get ready for bed, collapse.

Saturdays: 7:00a, get up, eat, read comics, check e-mail, shower. Stack up books, usually 6 of them, next to the couch. Sit on couch and read. Periodically get up to get more tea and pee. Every other Sat. volunteer at the WI historical museum. Go home, do more homework. At 8:00p, watch movie, and then go to bed.

Sunday: 8:00a, get up, eat, shower, check e-mail, 9:00a, go to church, 10:45a, get groceries, 11:30a, make lunch, read Sunday paper while eating lunch. Do homework all afternoon. Talk to mom on phone for an hour. 7:00p, watch Simpsons while eating dinner. 8:00p do more homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, go to bed.

I would just like to point out that this schedule does not include cleaning, laundry, or talking to anyone on the phone. So, when, WHEN, am I supposed to do anything extra? I'm not giving up my entire life!

The Russian horror movie was very interesting. It was called Night Watch and had English subtitles. It was Matrix/Star Wars/Army of Darkness, and the sequel comes out next year. We're trying to find the Russian book the movie was adapted from to try to figure out if it was supposed to be funny in certain parts.

Anyway, this blog has put me behind schedule.
Hope everyone managed to avoid feeling like shit today.


Saturday, February 12, 2005

She doesn't get it.

The professor I'm TAing for won't be in town on Monday. In my way of thinking, that would have been a perfect day to ask a HISTORY or POLITICAL SCIENCE professor to guest lecture. So, what are we doing on Monday? We're watching the History channel's Russia: Land of the Tsars. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the history channel. But, when we could actually have a REAL professor give a lecture, why are we watching a 100 years of Russian history shoved into a 50 minute period? This is why the students don't like the class. I'm still trying to come up with a professional way to address the issue. I think I'm going to tell her the students are worried about the exams because all the lectures are over culture, but some of the readings are over history and political science, so therefore, what should the kids specifically study.

I need to offer a gigantic, huge, enormous, heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS to Wes. He has been promoted to officer. I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this. The downside: he had to sign on for 10 more years to accept the promotion. But, I guess we'll just work that out as need be. Not like anything else is making this pseudo-relationship easier, so what's one more thing? And I think I really am going to go visit him. That scares and excites me all at the same time.

Tonight my grad school friends (ok, only 2 of them: I do have more than 2 grad school friends) are having an anti-valentines day party. We are going to watch a Russian horror flick. I'm hoping it's going to be along the lines of Army of Darkness, but we'll see. I guess it has vampires and werewolves. I hope it has subtitles, although if it doesn't, I guess we can just make up dialogue in English. I'm sure that between the movie and the vodka (although I forgot to buys pickles!) it will be a great night.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

My aching feet!

Ok, no one can say that I'm not a dedicated TA. Today, the bus I was riding to school got hit, and it could have been up to an hour before the bus would leave (no, they wouldn't send us another one). Well, I had to teach in an hour, and I wanted to make copies of a Russian timeline before that. Therefore, I got off the bus, and, wearing 3 1/2 inch heel boots, proceeded to walk 2 miles in a half hour. And it snowed yesterday. I'm so glad I was wearing my cheap payless boots and not my suede boots. (knee-high, lace up: very sexy!). But I limped the rest of the day. I really love teaching. Can I get a raise?

Speaking of teaching: my students hate the class. It's not me (otherwise they wouldn't be griping to my face) but the professor. This is supposed to be an interdisciplinary class, covering history, political science, geography and Slavic studies. So far, it's covered two geography/history lectures and the rest have been culture. And the next three weeks are also culture. The students are, understandably, upset. This is my question: do I say something to the professor and hope she changes the format of the course? She's only given us a syllabus for the first half of the semester, maybe she could change the second half. I don't know what I should do. Although, it appears the students really like me. This is the first time this professor has taught this course, and usually, I'm told, more guest professors lecture. This could be a very successful class. I think I'll ask one of my other professors what they think I should do.

I'm going to go soak my feet and read about Peter, the Great (so he said),

Thursday, February 03, 2005


I live in a neighborhood with several group homes. You all know what I'm talking about. They're all harmless, and many of them work. One fellow often takes the same bus as I do. Yesterday when I was walking to the bus stop at 10:15am, as I was crossing the 6 lane major road the bus stop is on, I notice that this fellow is already at the bus stop. And then I noticed that he has decided to pee in the snow next the bus stop. Next to a major road. In plain view. He didn't even go behind the bushes that are RIGHT THERE! So, what do I do? Where do I look? Do I smile at him? Do I avoid eye contact? Do I ask why he didn't write his name, or make some other design? Does anyone know what the etiquette is when you catch someone peeing in the snow? I see him almost everyday. I guess I'm just going to remember not to eat the snow next to the bus stop.


Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Small gripes

that add up to just piss me off. Like being sick all weekend. I had already scheduled a Doctor's appointment because to get into this Russian language summer program you have to be evaluated to be both physically and mentally fit. Monday morning, I get a call, the doctor is also sick, so they reschedule me for this morning. So I go in this morning with a killer headache, because I wanted to be able to tell the doctor exactly where it hurt. Well, they gave me the wrong time, so again, we had to reschedule, for this Friday. Totally sucks.

So I'm sick all weekend. I get behind in my homework. I have deadlines for funding applications and questions, and NO ONE will return my e-mails. What's up with that? And they want the application to be typed, but it's on a computer program where you can't add to the document, you can only print it out. Does anyone even own a typewriter any more? And they're tiny little boxes: even if I find a typewriter (I think the library might have one), how am I going to line the stupid thing up? I have to take a spoken and written language test tomorrow. I suck at tests. I am so bad at them, even in English. I know I'm going to bomb this and look like an idiot. I hate that. I hate the fact that it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I don't get any better at reading Russian and the fact that I'm too shy to try to speak it with others because I'm so bad at it.

I'm pissed about the fact that my apartment is more than 80 degrees. I can't figure out where the hell the heat is coming from, because my heat is not on. I hate the fact that my apartment is disgustingly filthy at this time and I don't feel like I have time to clean it. I want to know why my paycheck was $300 short and if this is going to occur every month, because I can't live on $635 a month. (not that I easily live on the usual $910, but it covers almost everything).

Most of all, I'm kind of pissed at Wes right now. Everytime we talk and I start to feel like this could be it, he disappears for a while. Why does he do that? Is he playing games with me? What's up with that? And I know he's dating people, but I don't care about that, so I just don't get it. Is it the fact that I don't care that he's dating other people? I don't have time for this crap right now.

And I'm pissed at myself for caring about the situation. I'm mad that I don't have the motivation to get off my ass and clean my apartment, do my homework, write my papers, fill out these applications. I still feel like crap, although the world isn't spinning anymore, so I guess that's good. I just want to get these applications filled out and sent so I can work on the next thing that has a deadline. I hate deadlines.

I'm going to go read about murder and anti-Semitism, because I know that'll make me feel so much better,