Tuesday, November 30, 2004

chto chto?

For those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, here is the web page for the summer program I am hoping to attend this coming up summer (hence the name, summer program). www.actr.org I would want to go to St. Pete's only because I've only spent a couple of weekends there. I've spent much more time in Moscow. However, Elena, Illona, Alexi and Anna all live in Moscow, but they all love to visit St. Pete's. I would have to visit Moscow though, just to see Elena's mom. I am also applying for funding, because I really don't want to use my Russian baby fund for this trip. And, also for those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, you need to get out more!

Ok, I need to mull over this Wes issue. He is currently out at sea and will call me when he returns and I promised him we would talk about whatever it is he wants to talk about when he gets back. So, Camille grilled about this situation yesterday, which is why she is my best friend. After numerous disastrous relationships, she knows better than to trust my judgment. These are the issues we decided we wanted clarification about. 1. What are your intents? 2. What is your time-line? 3. Are you willing to have an open relationship if it will be a long-distance relationship? 4. Why now? 5. Are you willing to have a sexless relationship until further notice? 6. How to you intend to address the long-distance issue? See, I've never, ever really looked at Wes as relationship material. Sorry babe, but you're not known for your fidelity (not that I am either, but we're not talking about me). And since I know a lot about Wes, it makes me question motivation. But, at the same time, since we are such good friends, why is he willing to put that on the line? We are highly compatible, but I don't love Wes. I think I could, and to me compatibility is much more important than immediate chemistry. To me, immediate chemistry is not love, it is a one night stand, or a steady bed buddy, nothing more. I don't want to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to settle. I also just don't think this is good timing. I just really don't see myself with anyone for at least 5 years. I'm happy being alone, and that's just really the way I view my future. It's just me, my house, and my two Russian babies. A garden in the back, maybe a cat and/or dog, but I don't really see a man until after that point (Which when I think about it, might actually be 10 years). And, sorry to say it Wes, I am not sexually attracted to you. Maybe it's because we've been friends so long. That is just not there. And I can't even think about it.
But the fact that I'm even considering something with Wes is freaking me out.

Alright, I am going to forget about the whole situation until I have to think about it again. I have 5 papers to write. Like I said, endless fascination.



Funny story about Grandma and it explains so much. Some commercial came on TV, I think for ice-cream, maybe pudding, I don't remember, and it doesn't really matter. Grandma must have had whatever it was and asked if I wanted any. I asked what flavor, and the answer was vanilla. "We only buy vanilla. If we want something on it, we'll put it on it, but we're really vanilla people." You don't say!


Sunday, November 28, 2004

Thankful to be home

I am home! Thank God! I love my family, but it's always good to be home.
I actually had a great time at my grandparents. The weather driving out there was beautiful. My cousin Shante and her husband Andy were there. I've always liked Shante and Andy is just a nice guy. My other cousin Creed and his girlfriend Angie and their beautiful baby Ashley Berlyn also came for thanksgiving dinner. It's so nice to find out that not only do you love your family, but you really, really like them and consider them friends and wish you could see them more. The baby is sooooo cute. Huge, chubby cheeks. Big blue eyes. Looks just like her mom. But with her parents, she was bound to be cute. So the weekend went well. Except for the speeding ticket I got less than an hour from my grandparents house. But the state trooper was cool, because he could have also added the fact that my correct address on my driver's license.

But I am thankful for my family, thankful that we all love each other and get along so well. I am thankful for my friends, especially Camille, who has been my friend forever. I am thankful for my overseas friends, Nane, Peter, and Elena. I am thankful for Amanda, Andrea, Wes, and Tonya. I have so many people I can turn to whenever I need anything. I hope they all know I would do anything for them too.

I am thankful that I am in school and that I have the opportunity to travel, and learn and meet new people. I am thankful that I can follow my goals and dreams.

I am thankful,

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Longing in various shades: blue

Longing for the blue sweater, your blue sweater, that swallowed me up the way you wanted to swallow my mind and soul. It hugged me the way you did, loose and heavy, both at the same time. Yet after I took it off, we had to make sure none of my hair was on it, in case she found it.
And under the moon, at the castle, on a hill, in the rain, in Germany, drinking beer and eating pringles, talking about philosophy, history, literature, life, love, and distance.
Holding hands like little children, but never going beyond. Like if we started we would never be able to let go of each other. And you had someone waiting for you at home, and I guess I did too. And those words on our final night, "you can fall in love in 3 weeks" but can you?
It's been one and a half year, and now your e-mails are signed by her and you.
But every now and then, I get an e-mail, telling me you miss the beer and pringles, and our walks, our talks, the rain, the hill, the castle, and the shooting star we wished on. And you promise me hugs and tell me no one is good enough, but you don't want me to be lonely either. And I pull out my favorite picture, the one where I'm wearing your blue sweater, and we look like we belong to each other and maybe you were right about only needing 3 weeks.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Rainbow halos

Note to self: don't forget goggles when you swim laps. Everything stills looks foggy.
Same common complaint: got lots of homework done, but it's never enough. I'm polishing my Zionism paper, the one I've been working on since I became an adult. Ok, maybe not that long, but at least a year. Next semester I might be on a discussion panel discussing Jews and institutions. I really don't know what that means, but it'll look good on my CV. (could someone please tell me the difference between a CV and a resume?).

All this stuff with Phoenix is making me think about parents and their roles in kids lives. Even though I have a great adoptive dad, I know I still wonder why my biological didn't want me. And I know he would never phrase it that way, but actions are actions. At this point, I don't care about him, I have a great dad, one who probably did a better job than the biological one would have done. But, I do have 2 half-sisters who don't even know I exist. They are still teenagers, and it saddens me to say, I don't remember both their names and I don't know their birthdays, or how old they are exactly. I don't want them to find out they have a much older sister and think I never thought about them. But being a teenager is hard enough without finding out you have a sister. I should write to their mother, who is no longer married to my biological father. But she is the one who kept them from me to begin with. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just fade, and who knows, they may never find out about me.

The weather was just on. Apparently the first chance, and only chance, of snow in the next week is on Wednesday: the day I'm driving 7 1/2 hours to visit my grandparents. Great.

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep so I can get up and do more homework. Oh, could life get any more fun.


Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Phoenix Update

Craig had court today, and it went a lot better than it could have, but mom and Craig were a little unhappy. Corinne was granted temporary joint custody, with primary placement with Craig. However, this is only for two months and she does have to follow certain criteria. Since she told the judge she had used drugs in the last 10 days, she did not have to take a drug test today, but she will have to take one every two weeks. She can only have supervised visits with Phoenix. If her mom is not present at these visits, her mom will go to jail. She has to finish high school (at an at risk school) and she has to apply to cosmotology school. The lawyer told my brother that this judge usually gives the parent enough rope to hang themselves. So, if she doesn't show for the drug test, or doesn't even show for visitation, she is screwing herself over. She's been talking about finishing school and going to cosmotology school for 2 years, so we're not holding our breathes there. Overall, I think Craig will end up with what he asked for. The judge did not award any child support either. Corinne's lawyer told Craig's lawyer that Corinne has a terrible attitude and the only reason he is representing her is because her mom is paying him. I think it will be good in the end. And the judge is right, Phoenix needs to have a relationship with both parents. It just remains to be seen if Corinne wants that.

Otherwise, that is it. Lots of homework. I can't wait for Christmas.


Monday, November 15, 2004


I called Andrea last night, and maybe I should give some background information on everyone. I met Andrea as a sophomore in highschool. We are almost total opposites personality wise, but we enjoy many of the same things. She is an only child, and she is very aware that she is high maintenance (her words, not mine). I also met Wes at the same time. Wes and Andrea were already friends. Andrea and I both had highschool crushes on Wes. Wes and I are very compatible personality wise, and Andrea always kind of thought I "stole" Wes and his friendship away from her, even though they remain friends. This is where the complication sets in: Andrea is in a serious relationship right now, and she thinks that Wes is only interested in me since he can't have her. They too had a previous relationship similar to Wes's and mine. This is the thing, Wes does view Andrea as one of those weird, "good-girl" that got away, but ever since highschool, he has been aware that we are more compatible. So if I know this, why does it upset me that Andrea doesn't. I know that on the one hand, she needs to think this for her ego. She doesn't get hit on very often, and she's about to break up with her guy because he won't propose, and it's been 4 years. On the other hand, I don't want her insinuating for the rest of our lives that Wes settled for me because she wasn't available (she wouldn't date Wes anyway). Which brings me to another issue, why do I even care? This scares me even more, because it means I'm thinking about this on some level. I'm just going to ignore this, and maybe it will all go away. I need to concentrate on the end of the semester. And since Wes is in CA right now, it's not like I have to deal with it. He might not even call me again for another month or so. I'm sure he means what he said, but, he's not going to back it up with more words or actions. He's just too far away. (I should also add that Wes introduced me to Charley, my ex-fiance).

Alright, I have a ton of homework, because my grandma asked if I could stay for an extra day at Thanksgiving, and I know that when she dies, I'm not going to wish I had done that extra day of homework.


Saturday, November 13, 2004


My friend Wes called me last night. Since he's in the navy, I only hear from him when he's not out to sea, which sometimes means, I only hear from him once or twice a year. So it's always nice to hear from him. We've been friends for 16 years now. A very long time. And though we sometimes have lost touch, we always find each other again. We have a very comfortable relationship, somewhat built upon the fact that Wes always talks like he wants to get with me. I should add, he always acts like a gentleman when I actually get to see him. But we talk about everything, including the women he picks up and what they do, and even though he's always joking that he wants to get with me, we have never, ever in 16 years really talked about our feelings for each other. So it threw me for a complete loop when yesterday, as we're about to say good-bye, Wes tells me that he misses me. And that he wants to see me again. And that he loves talking to me, and feels comfortable talking to me, in a way he doesn't feel with anyone else. And he was serious. And my stomach did a flip-flop. Was that just because I haven't heard a man, any man, say those things in such a long time? Or was it Wes saying those things? I don't know if I want to know the answer.


Thursday, November 11, 2004


I want a man to look at me like he has never seen a woman before. I want a man to smile at me as if he had never had a reason to smile before. I want a man to touch me as if he had never touched a woman before and he wants to discover everything about me. I want a man to touch me like he is trying to discover himself in me. I want a man to go beyond making love to me, to create love with me, with more intensity and desire. I want to make a man feel like I am air, food, and life and without me, there is nothing. I want to make a man feel like he is my air, food and life and without him, I have nothing. I want to become so tangled up, that I am unable to recognize whose limbs belong to whom. I want to become so tangled up, that mine belong to him, and his to me. I want discover myself in a man. I want to feel so intensely that I forget my name, his name, time, place, life itself. I want a man to see me so clearly, that he names me. I want a man to kiss every inch of my body, in adoration of the gift I give him. I want to return that gift. I want a man who is willing to not only enter my body, but also enter my soul. I want a man who makes me want to let him into my body and my soul. I want to desire.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004


I'm happy to write that my friend Tiffany is indeed pregnant. And there's only one. Tiffany had been trying to get pregnant for more than 2 years. There was nothing wrong with neither her nor her husband, she just wasn't getting pregnant. So she did those shots, and released like 15 eggs at once. She still didn't get pregnant. That was really, really hard. They did the shots again, and this time they worked (hence the comment about there only being one; she released 20 eggs this time). She was so happy when I asked and she could finally say yes. She went to the doctor yesterday, and got to hear the heartbeat. The doctor said everything looks good so far. They're going to make great parents. I'm so happy for them both. And I'm not giving her Camille's blog page because then she may despair that she finally got pregnant (it's almost over Camille, kind of).

On a sadder note, my friend Andrea called me the other night, and after 38 years of marriage, her mother has filed for divorce. After they retired, it became obvious that her dad was an alcoholic and he was very verbally abusive. Her mom tried to cope with this situation for more than 2 years, but finally had enough. At this point, the divorce is on hold for 30 days, but Andrea really doesn't have any hope that her dad will get his stuff together. While she doesn't want her parents to get divorced, she does want her parents to be happy, and under the circumstances, her mom is very miserable. Like Andrea, I hope they can work things out, but I don't think her dad has hit rock bottom yet. So, lots of hugs and prayers to Andrea and her parents.

ok, nothing else exciting is happening. Just trying to keep up with homework. Giving a map quiz today and I don't have a copy of the map to grade them with. I'm sure I'll figure something out. I have a presentation tomorrow that I should work on today. For the most part, this semester has stabilized, and that is actually a good thing.

hope everyone else has a great day,

Monday, November 08, 2004

Good Phoenix News

I don't know how much my brother is paying his lawyer, but apparently he is worth it! My brother saw the lawyer on Monday night: Corinne got served on Saturday. And, there's a temporary restraining order until the court date, which according to the lawyer should be within two weeks. Corinne called my brother and cussed him out. And then her mom called my mom and wanted to know why Craig was doing this. I think they both thought that they could do whatever they wanted and then when they decided they wanted Phoenix, Craig would just hand him over. Whatever. And Corinne's mom promised my brother that she would always be present when Phoenix was over there, since we know Corinne is doing drugs again. When Craig went to go pick Phoenix up on Saturday, she wasn't there. Corinne was asleep (as you can see, she highly values her time with her son) and her 16 year old sister (who's doing drugs too) was watching Phoenix. I hope everything goes well and quickly.

Other strange news, Friday I went out with some friends from the museum and got chatting with someone who knows my crush better then most. Since it was her going away party, I thought I'd ask about him. I was informed that since he turned me down, I had really managed to dodge the bullet. Apparently he has a victim mentality and is very passive/aggressive. This is totally not the impression I get of him, but I don't know him very well. And of course, if hell actually froze over and he asked me out, I would still go. It's been a while.

Overall, a very good weekend. Got a ton of homework done, and some cleaning. Will finish the cleaning today. The weather was beautiful, although I didn't get outside a whole bunch. I guess I should get started on today.


Friday, November 05, 2004

Thank you Amanda

Thank you Amanda, for explaining it how it is and not being ashamed of the truth or who you are. Thank you for demanding that people around you do the same. Thank you for knowing who you are, and revelling in that. Thank you for not always knowing, and being able to admit it. Thank you for being able to admit when you're hurt, confused, upset, depressed, happy, excited and horny. Thank you for remiding me that a women can be strong and weak at the same time. But most of all, thank you for making me laugh. you're the one person who constantly reminds me what it's like to be real.


Thursday, November 04, 2004

missing you

how do you miss someone you've never known? how do you know someone inside and out, without actually having met them? how do I know that when I meet you, I will know who you are? How do I know that you really exist? That you're looking for the same thing I am? How do I know that even tonight you're looking for me? How do I know you haven't given up hope, like I have?


Something about this crappy-ass weather. And that fact that it's already practically dark. And I have more homework to do then I could possibly finish in two years. And when I tell people I have a social get together, it consists of a study group meeting for coffee or beer (there are some subjects that make more sense when you're under the influence). But I just feel blah. I just want to curl up, with a gorgeous, intelligent, funny, understanding, caring, employed man, in front of a fire and cuddle, and have really hot, sweaty, repetitive, beautiful, animalistic sex. And then take a nap and do it all over again. Never mind that I don't have a man, or a fireplace. I especially don't have the time. Oh well, I guess that's why there's Cosmo.


Tuesday, November 02, 2004


Well, I went out and voted. And I voted for a candidate I wouldn't normally vote for. But I was not struck by lightening and the earth did not explode, so I guess it's ok. I really do feel like either one would be ok, in that neither one will be able to deliver what they promise. Oh, such hope for America! I'm just glad it will be "over" tomorrow. At least for us normal people.

I'm so tired of dreaming about the Revolution. Thank God I give the mid-terms back to the students tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to e-mail the professor the grades.


Monday, November 01, 2004

Nightmares of mid-terms

So I finally finished grading the sixty-something mid-terms. Except there are a few I need to go back over. And I need to figure out if there should be a curve (I don't think so). E-mail the professor to figure out whether I need to convert these into letter grades, or can just leave them as points. Type up the rules of dispute, in case anyone doesn't like their grade. And give them back.

I've had nightmares about Lenin and the Revolutions for three days straight now. Not very good sleeping. And then all this election crap. I can't wait for it to be over. I guess because I study history I take my responsibility to vote very seriously and since this year we get to choose between crap and crap I just don't feel that good about it. But I am voting. I printed out the political platforms for both parties and compared. And I now know who I am voting for. It's not my usual party. But, honestly, I don't even really care who wins.

Charley showed up in my dream last night. And he was here in Madison, in my dream. He wanted to know, one last time if there was a chance of us getting back together. He was going to get married, but had to know about us first. And I looked at him, said no, turned away, and didn't look back. He got on the phone with the other and called her the pet names he used to call me. And I felt. . . pity, for her. And nothing else.

I have to go read about Stalin's terror and the inequality between the races in America. No wonder I'm so cynical.

Stacia, feeling wet, cold, and tired