Tuesday, November 30, 2004

chto chto?

For those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, here is the web page for the summer program I am hoping to attend this coming up summer (hence the name, summer program). www.actr.org I would want to go to St. Pete's only because I've only spent a couple of weekends there. I've spent much more time in Moscow. However, Elena, Illona, Alexi and Anna all live in Moscow, but they all love to visit St. Pete's. I would have to visit Moscow though, just to see Elena's mom. I am also applying for funding, because I really don't want to use my Russian baby fund for this trip. And, also for those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, you need to get out more!

Ok, I need to mull over this Wes issue. He is currently out at sea and will call me when he returns and I promised him we would talk about whatever it is he wants to talk about when he gets back. So, Camille grilled about this situation yesterday, which is why she is my best friend. After numerous disastrous relationships, she knows better than to trust my judgment. These are the issues we decided we wanted clarification about. 1. What are your intents? 2. What is your time-line? 3. Are you willing to have an open relationship if it will be a long-distance relationship? 4. Why now? 5. Are you willing to have a sexless relationship until further notice? 6. How to you intend to address the long-distance issue? See, I've never, ever really looked at Wes as relationship material. Sorry babe, but you're not known for your fidelity (not that I am either, but we're not talking about me). And since I know a lot about Wes, it makes me question motivation. But, at the same time, since we are such good friends, why is he willing to put that on the line? We are highly compatible, but I don't love Wes. I think I could, and to me compatibility is much more important than immediate chemistry. To me, immediate chemistry is not love, it is a one night stand, or a steady bed buddy, nothing more. I don't want to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to settle. I also just don't think this is good timing. I just really don't see myself with anyone for at least 5 years. I'm happy being alone, and that's just really the way I view my future. It's just me, my house, and my two Russian babies. A garden in the back, maybe a cat and/or dog, but I don't really see a man until after that point (Which when I think about it, might actually be 10 years). And, sorry to say it Wes, I am not sexually attracted to you. Maybe it's because we've been friends so long. That is just not there. And I can't even think about it.
But the fact that I'm even considering something with Wes is freaking me out.

Alright, I am going to forget about the whole situation until I have to think about it again. I have 5 papers to write. Like I said, endless fascination.


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