Drowning

I just don't know. It just swirls and flows and rips and floats above and below me. But I can't grasp it and I can't swim in it and I can't fight my way out of it. It's just there. And I don't even know what it is. I choke and struggle but I refuse to cry. I won't ask for help, for deliverance, because I don't think there is any. I'll just wear myself out and sink slowly. Hopefully there will be something entirely new down there, something I never imagined and then maybe it will be alright. Maybe it's what I'm looking for but I was just looking in the wrong places. I had to lose and tire and give up first. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be lying there besides me. And maybe I'm the virgin Mary