Men are stupid

I've gotten a few e-mails from close friends who are worried about me. Thank you. The fact is that Wes is getting a $25,000 bonus check from the navy within the next 30 days. That will pay ALL of the debt I transferred to my credit cards, greatly reducing my stress. The rest will be paid off pretty quickly after that (and that's still in his name, so not as stressful). So thanks for your concern about that, but it is ok.

I sent Wes three very nasty e-mails last night. I got a frantic one from him this morning. After explaining that all the navy guys are family and he's always done that, he did admit it was probably stupid. He also wrote:
I feel really bad and I have a sick feeling in my
stomach to have you pissed off at me let alone using words like divorce.
This sucks that I cannot call you. I love you and there is no other
person in this entire world more important to me than you. Please do
not allow this to upset you. I can't help but think you are probably
letting you mind run wild about what I "might" being doing when you are
not around. Please, please, please remember that I love you and adore
you. You are my wife and are in my thoughts constantly. I really wish
I were home now. Please write back soon. I love you.

I didn't think he had gone to the strip club, but when I e-mailed him back, I reminded him that trust only stretches so far and doing stupid things doesn't really encourage it. I told him I felt like he was acting like he was single now that he was at sea, but he didn't get to choose when he was single and when he wasn't. I don't want to tell him what to do or who to hang out with, but right now, his decisions are looking pretty piss poor. Hopefully I don't have to come across as a control freak to get him to modify his behavior.

I am so angry

I am just shaking and furious and there's nothing I can do. I can't concentrate on anything. I just received an e-mail from my dumb-ass husband and sent him two very pissed off e-mails in return, one suggesting he might want to get a divorce lawyer. Now I know the real down-side of being a naval wife: e-mail fights. He has a ton of debt (more than $40,000) and I put it on my credit cards to get a lower interest rate. My parents also gave us a very large amount as a wedding present to be spent on a 'honeymoon'. My husband just informed me that he let some of the single guys borrow his debit card so they could go to a strip club. And they spent more than $700. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL???? He knows that one of my major sources of stress is money, and you're just going to "loan" out our debit card? I have bills I have to pay this week. They're at sea. I don't care if these morons can pay him back, he can't get to a bank to deposit the money until he gets back. And if I find out he's lying and he was at that club, well, that's where the divorce lawyer comes in. I'm so mad. I just don't get it. I told him that next time he does something like this, I'll have the card declared stolen and cancelled. Then he'll be screwed. On top of that, the stalker situation is getting worse: she's a drunk and we're wondering if she also pops pills. Life sucks right now.

I feel like I have a stalker

Yesterday I did not answer the phone when Dee called. I was on my way out the door to the gym and I knew if I answered, I wouldn't be able to go. I felt somewhat bad, but I do have a life and I have things I need to get done. This morning, my phone rang at 7:00am. Yes, you read that right. SEVEN AM. My alarm goes off at 7:15am. Not to mention, who in their right mind calls anyone at seven in the morning? That's my time and I don't want to share it with anyone. I don't even talk to my best friend or my mom everyday and who really has an interesting enough life to talk to someone everyday for an hour!?! Both my mom and Wes think I need to talk to her and give her boundaries. I think anyone who calls someone at seven in the morning wouldn't respect boundaries anyway, but maybe I should try. It is an awkward situation because our husbands work together. But I'm starting to feel like I'm being stalked and that I have to account for all my daily actions to this woman. Why??? Why should I have to feel that way? I'm a grown woman and she ain't my mama.

Strange complaint

After not having any friends since I moved here, I feel bad about making this complaint. On the other hand, anyone who knows me will understand. My new friend Dee is overwhelming. She calls every night and the calls end up being more than an hour long. Even if I say, several times, that I need to go, she continues the conversation. And she wants me to come over again this weekend, which is fine, but she wants me to spend the night again. And then hang out the next day. Look, I'm on a deadline and I really need to be at home working. I know it's the weekend, but I still have stuff I need to do. I want a friend, not a constant companion. I guess I'm just going to have to screen my calls.

I'm cleaning the garage. It's not all that exciting, but I never finished unpacking stuff when I moved. It's all in the garage. So I'm going through stuff, unpacking, repacking, moving stuff, getting together a gigantic garage sale pile. I want to have it all organized by the time Wes comes back. That would make him happy and then I can encourage him to unpack and organize all his boxes, which are somehow in the office rather than the garage. But I want to use the office and right now I can't even walk into the room.

That's about it here. I'm just plugging away at the proposal. Life is good.

Weekend turnaround

The weekend ended up being great. Dee called me and profusely apologized. She thought we had agreed to 3:00p (we hadn't, but like my mom said, now I know she's the type of person I call ahead for). I went back later in the evening and she also had a couple of other friends come over. We had a blast. We stayed up until 1:00am (very late for me) and talked, hung out and laughed. It was such a good time. And I may have a job. One of her friends has a little booth at the flea market and sells jewelry (beautiful, hand-made jewelry) and since she's dealing with some health issues, I might sit in for her when she needs it. Probably not a lot or high paying, but it'll get me out of the house and maybe get me a little money. So, the weekend ended up good. Now back to work on the proposal.

What the hell is wrong with people?

So I had plans to go over to my new "friend's" house today. She called last night and asked me if I wanted to come over then, but since I knew I would be there all day today, I declined. Then she confirmed once again that I would come over today. I said yes, in the afternoon. She had contractors and stuff coming over today, so she told me anytime, including the morning. I told her I needed some time to get some stuff done but I would be there in the afternoon. It's a 30 minute drive to her place and I'd never done it before. It was easy and I was relieved when I got there and spotted her car in the driveway. I rang the bell twice. No answer. So I knocked. That set the dog off, but again, no answer. I knew she had a big garden in the back, so I went to the fence to see if maybe she was out there. Didn't see anyone. Rang the bell again and knocked again. Nothing. So I got in my car and left. I saw the curtains move, but that could have been the dog. I called her on my way home but got the answering machine and so far, no calls back. What the hell!!! Now I know I didn't call her before I left, but when someone tells me they'll be home all day and to just come over whenever, I take them at their word. I don't know what to think now.

Life just keeps getting better

Yesterday I started working on my dissertation proposal again. I think I did almost 5 hours (ok, really probably only 4) of studying. Not bad for ignoring it for several weeks. I also went to the gym yesterday. Now, I want to take a nap. Such is life. But my advisor e-mailed me yesterday and wanted to know how much progress I had made. Um, none? So I will keep working at it.

Last night another naval wife, Dee, and myself went to a military wives support group at her church. She had never been before, so before we went in, she handed me a piece of gum and said if it was bad, opening the gum was our signal. HAhaha!!! How bad could it be? Well, within five minutes Dee was looking for that gum. There were 4 people there who were regulars and Dee and I did most of the talking. I get the impression that if we hadn't of been there, they just would have stared at each other the entire time. But the topic of the night was temptation. We talked about it for 5 whole minutes. Afterwards, we went out for dinner. That was a blast. We laughed so much. And our waiter was soooooo cute. Totally my type of guy if I wasn't married (and much younger). He has long hair, which I love. Yes, it's a little weird that I love guys with long hair and then married someone in the military (who looks like a Q-tip if his hair gets too long), but I guess there are trade-offs in a relationship. This guy's personality was great. I told Dee that it was a good thing that we had talked about temptation. She cracked up about that. Anyway, it was a great night, I really like her and we're getting together again this weekend. I think I made a new friend!!!

And, as if my first real friend in Virginia Beach wasn't enough, I received an e-mail from a long-lost friend. I am so excited about this because I really loved this girl and was afraid she was gone for good. I'm so glad she found me.

I hope the week just gets better. But now I have to decide: gym or nap?

This weekend we went to

We expected there to be a lot of people, but apparently Ernesto scared them away. Too bad for them because the weather was beautiful. But we did enjoy the almost non-existent lines.

The kids were fascinated by the roller coasters. We even rode a few a couple of times. But not the one they're watching: they were both too short. I was surprised Victor would ride the coasters at all: he doesn't even like to swing high at the park. But, he went on the Loch Ness Monster ride twice.

It did get a little hot in the afternoon. Nothing a little water ride couldn't take care of. Wes didn't want to get wet. Chicken!

We had to relax after lunch: we didn't want to get sick. So we took the short river cruise. It really is a beautiful area.

The day was really nice and we had a good time. Now the house is extra quiet since the kids went home yesterday and Wes left this morning for three weeks. I will dedicate this time to my dissertation proposal and hope to get a lot done.

I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend.

Happy Anniversary!!!

My parents looking forward to their future.

Today is my parents' twenty-ninth anniversary. Twenty-nine years ago today, my parents "eloped" in a little church in Arizona, exactly one week after moving there. They didn't know anyone, but the church was full and presented them with a gift of dishes (which we had until about 10 years ago). The bride's three year old daughter (that would be me) didn't want to leave her parents' side, so she appeared in every picture. The church also gave them a reception including cake and then babysat for them overnight so they could be alone. I don't know what church it was, but I'd like to thank them because their true Christian example of love and giving set a lifelong example to my parents.

My parents should not have made it. My dad was only 19 and my mom 21, once divorced and with a three year old daughter. When my dad told his parents that they were getting married, his dad pulled him a whole foot away from my mom and hissed "if you marry that woman, with that child, you will never get another dime from me." He had been paying my dad's college tuition. My dad's best friend gave them 10 years at the most. I know my mom's parents weren't happy either. She moved across the country for some young, long-haired greasy musician. And they were broke. My parents defied the odds and taught me a lot during the process (and also learned a lot).

My parents taught me about financial responsibility. As I mentioned, we were broke. For the next four years my dad often worked two jobs and went to school full time. In addition, we only had one car, so he often rode his bike. During this time we lived in Las Vegas for two years (extreme heat) and Minnesota (extreme cold). He never complained because a man provides for his family even if that means working at a fastfood restaurant. In addition, my parents gave to the benevolence offering every month at church. They said it was only about $5 a month, because that's all we had, but they knew there were others who were worse off then ourselves. Their giving paid off because when my mom was pregnant with my brother, we didn't have medical insurance. The church found out and paid for my mom to go to the hospital. Throughout the years, as my parents financial situation has grown, so has their giving. I remember giving Christmas trees to people who couldn't afford it, giving gifts to children, cars to adults and now my parents sponsor 5 third-world children with pride. When my mom's best friend's husband died, my dad donated a sizable sum to be given to her every month through the church (so she wouldn't know it was actually them). My parents also give of their time in a multitude of ways. They truly believe that what God has given to you, you are to give to others. They paid for both my and my sister's undergraduate educations and spent more than that on my brother for drug rehab. They will give until they have nothing left to give. They are just that way.

They taught me that family is the most important thing. My dad adopted me after he and my mom got married. He and his entire family (minus his dad, who I don't have a relationship with) embraced me as his real daughter. He taught me to ride my bike, to drive a car and he walked me down the aisle the first time I got married. And then helped me move all my stuff when I got divorced. He taught me that biology does not play a role in love. However, when things got bad with my brother, it was my mom who stepped up and refused to give up on him. This was her son and she loved him and she knew that God (because nothing else was working) could do something. And if God still loved my brother, then so could my mom. It was a choice and not an easy one, but she fought tooth and nail. And she was right. My brother still isn't perfect, but if she hadn't held on, who knows where he would be today (certainly not in college).

Finally, they taught me how to grow up. My parents were very young and things were not always easy or handled very well. But my parents worked through the hard times and refused to give up on each other. They've shown me what commitment really is. There would have been times when it would have been easier to give up on the marriage, but they both decided that wasn't what they wanted to do. They weren't quitters. And as time went on, I saw my dad turn into a real man. Just five years ago my dad apologized to me for the stuff he had done wrong when he was so young (a lot of verbal abuse). And he was sincere. And I could accept his apology because I could see that he had changed and he had worked to become a man in control of his emotions. In some ways, my sister grew up with a very different dad than I did (and I'm glad for that). But he showed me that people can change when they want to. He also showed me that people are responsible for their own actions and behavior.

I'm very proud of my parents for what they have accomplished as a couple and as individuals. I'm thankful for their lessons about giving, loving and responsibility. Here's to 29 years and hopefully another 30+ more. I love you guys.

Exhausted

My parents were here this weekend and we had a great time but I am now exhausted. Now, in no particular order, are pictures of our weekend.


Saturday at the beach. Don't they look cute!


This is what most of my "dolphin" pictures looked like. They don't like to pose!


My parents on the dolphin boat.


The boat ride was pretty windy on the way back!


This was the best picture I got of the dolphins. But we had a ton of fun!

We also went to all you can eat seafood buffet and stuffed ourselves. It was a great weekend. Unfortunately my parents left today and Wes also left for 4 days. So now I'm all by myself. Bt I had a great time and I'm happy about that.

Today

Today my parents are coming to visit. I should have them fly in more often, because I've already gotten more done today than I've done all week (ok, not really, but almost). I got up, finished vacuuming my house, went to the gym, translated some Russian, cleaned out the car and I'm about to get ready to go pick them up. I am so excited.

I also finished a book I was reading, called Don't let's go to the dog's tonight by Alexandra Fuller. At first I had a hard time getting into it because the first couple of chapters are not in chronological order, but after I figured that out, the book was great. It is the true story of Fuller's childhood in war-torn Africa and it is a wonderful book. I would highly recommend it. I know she also has at least one other book out and I'm going to look for it.

That's about it and I need to paint my toenails. Hope everyone is doing well. And remember, You R capatavatingg.

Just what I needed, or I am capatavatingg

Wes was supposed to be home from work on Saturday by 4:00p. As 4:00p came and went, I became desperate to do something, anything, to get out of the house. So I decided we were skipping church on Sunday to do some hiking (next to the beach) and swimming (at the beach). Saturday night, after Wes got home (a little after 4:30p) we were going to play Diablo all night to get our fix. We were playing and his phone rang. We got real tense because we were afraid it was work, but it wasn't. It was our friend Les, who we know from TX, who also now lives here. It was his birthday and he wanted to know if we wanted to go out with him, his girl and some friends. Go out! On a Saturday night!!! Hell yes!!! I had never met his girlfriend, Marie. She is wonderful and perfect for him. Les is also Charley's best friend, so things could have been a little weird. But Les, (after drinking a little) declared that he knew we all loved Charley but that Wes and I made a much better couple. Also, Charley wasn't good enough for me anyway. So it was all good. After dinner we went to a bar and then to a dive bar with kareoke, for my husband, who was the only person there who likes kareoke. But we had a good time. And the one song Wes sang sounded really good. We had been there more than an hour when Wes and the rest of the guys went up to the bar to get something to drink. Right after they left our table, this guy, who had to be older than my dad, walked up, told me I was beautiful and he had been watching me all night and gave me this:



Other than the fact that I'm captivating, I'm not sure what it says. But it did cheer me up. And we had a great night.

Sunday was good too. We just hung out and played Diablo, took a nap, that sort of stuff. My parents are coming to visit this week and I'm very excited about that. I also think I am going to look for a part time job to get me out of the house more often. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm not ignoring anyone either, I really have been busy and I'll try to return calls and e-mails today. Hope you all have a capatavatingg week.

Here we go again (or: haven't we been here before? Why do we keep coming back?)

Depression is such an odd thing. Once you realize you have it and that it is a problem and that it will keep coming back (at least in my case) it becomes a struggle of intellect over emotion. And it's discouraging, especially since I'm supposed to be smart, to know that even though things are good (not the best, but waaaaaaay better than they could be), I can't make myself feel that way. And when you don't feel that way, your emotions begin to sway your intellect into believing that things aren't good. And then all of a sudden you can't get out of bed because when you woke up you were having a bad dream so therefore the entire day will be bad but if you don't get up you will never start working on your dissertation proposal and then you will have to quit school and work a crappy job you hate and if you don't get up the house won't get cleaned and the groceries won't be bought and Wes will leave you because you're a bad wife and then you'll be a divorced woman in her late thirties working a crappy job that you hate and life will never get any better so you might as well just die and then the fear of failure is so great that you still can't get out of bed and you just stay there and cry instead. That's what I'm fighting. But my parents will be here next week. Hopefully that will help cheer me up. And I'll clean because my parents will be here next week. Being in a clean house always cheers me up. And I'm going to write out a game plan for the writing of the proposal and then start using my daily lists because when everything is sooooo overwhelming that getting out of bed feels like it takes more energy than you have, breaking your tasks into little lists actually helps get them done. One at a time. That's all you have to do. One. At. A. Time. And I'm still going swimming. And that helps too. Although I'm sore from yesterday (and cramping like a mofo) so I'm not going today. I will go tomorrow. I promise. I will also go get groceries tomorrow and to the bank and to get my prescription filled tomorrow. Tomorrow I will begin normal schedules again. This will help me slowly crawl out of this hole. I hate this hole. I hate this hole because it's dark and damp and cold down here and no one can get to me, sometimes not even myself. I hate this hole because it's familiar and feels safe, because I've been here before, many, many times. But I will crawl out. I don't have a choice. It's either the hole or life and I choose life.

Cute quote from Allison (age 6): In a very concerned voice "How did that lady know we were going swimming?", after the woman who rang up our swim goggles and fins told us to have a good time swimming.

I will end on a happy note. My wonderful friends, Rene and Ryo, called to let me know there are going to be parents. They have been trying for several months and are very excited. I can't think of anyone who deserves to have kids more and they will make the best, most loving parents ever. Congratulations!!!

Patch-work

I wanted to post a photos of my various bruises and scrapes, but I can't figure out how to turn off the flash on my camera, so they all turn out pasty-white. So I'll just tell you (yeah, not quite as amusing). I have a one inch by two inch bruise on my upper right thigh. No, I don't know where it came from. I think I may have hit the bedframe one day while cleaning. I have a perfectly round bruise on the center of my left thigh. Again, no idea how I got it. I have three scrapes on my left knee. Got those cleaning last Friday. Both my knees are completely bruised. Got those at the park on Saturday night. My left elbow is scratched. Got that yesterday when I slipped on the stairs and fell down four of them on my butt. No bruises on my butt, but I also pulled my right shoulder while trying to regain my balance. It's a good thing I didn't bruise my butt, because right now, it's the only think that doesn't hurt.

On to the advisor. Ok, I was a bit frustrated when I posted. Yes, I was thinking about quitting but more because I have a family to think about than because I want to. I don't want to quit. I love what I do. My advisor is new and I'm her first student. She told me a while back that she will be very hard on me because the job market is so competative that I have to be in top form to get a job. Having said that, she could work on her people skills. She is one of the best lecturers I've ever seen and she knows her stuff. But, I can tell she is working on her skills because she sent me an encouraging e-mail and we are going to talk on the phone. I didn't expect this part to be easy and I know I am easily discouraged because of other things going on in my life. I feel isolated from the academic world and I miss my friends and the library. While there are a large number of things I can get on-line, that still doesn't replace an actual campus library. Therefore, this week, I will be visiting several local universities and their libraries. I'm also frustrated because of the Sean situation. He has a different advisor than me (one who is equally, if not more so, brilliant). But if you recall the prelim debacle, where he didn't start his answers until the night before they were due. And then, they gave him a week to rewrite one of his answers and he still passed. Yeah, that frustration. Well, Sean's advisor hasn't even seen his proposal but he already has a defense date. And, his advisor is chair of an endowment and Sean received funding for research next spring. So while he's on a fully paid research trip in Europe, I'll be scraping the change together from the bottom of my couch to get to the Hoover institute and then sleeping on friends' of a friends' couches while I do research there. Frustration.

Finally, I don't think I'm cut out for kids. I know that right now my depression is kind of bad, but still, they drive me crazy. I was already so pissed off by eight this morning that I thought I was going to lose it. They don't listen to anything you say, even if you're answering a question that they've already asked 5 times and you've already answered it 5 times. And all they do is pick at each other. I think next times one of them tattles, (and they will) I'm just going to encourage them to beat the crap out of each other and then ask them if that was fun. Last night (when daddy and I were trying to get some love) they knocked on the bedroom door twice. They had already gotten their bedtime stories and kisses. Once was because Allison rolled over and accidentally hit Victor in the stomach and the other time was because they missed mom. We can't do anything about that so why are you knocking on our door?!? Then, this morning, they were both up before seven. And you could tell they needed more sleep because they were fighting right away. I just shut my bedroom door. Then, when I did go in there, they were playing with a game that had been taken away from them last night and put up in the closet. Meaning, they climbed up the cheap Wal-mart shelves in their bedroom to get them. When I asked if they remembered that they were told last night that they couldn't play with that game, they said no. Until I suggested calling daddy to ask him if he remembered. Oh, yeah, I remember now. Um-hm. Not a good way to start a very long day. I can't believe I'm pissed off at two kids because they didn't let me get any sleep.

Finally, since I think we should end on a humorous note: Andrea was right. Wes does think about her during sex. How do I know this? Because he told me he thinks I'm so hot he has to think of ugly girls to last longer. Nope, no bitterness here. Also, a few weeks ago, as we were going to bed, Wes's nose itched and he commented that someone must be thinking about him. I responded that maybe Andrea and her husband were having sex. He laughed so hard he almost fell out of the bed.

I'm ok

I'm not ignoring people (although, yes, I didn't call people because I didn't want my negativity to rub off on people). It's just that we have the kids this weekend. So I will return calls and e-mails after Tues. when they go home. Meanwhile, I'm ok, I'm not dropping out of the program. I'm just frustrated, but I'll get through it. Thanks for all the encouragement and love.

Quitting

I'm seriously thinking about quitting school. My advisor is driving me crazy and since my chances of actually finding an academic job after I get my Ph.D are less than 1 in 5, why am I doing this to myself. She hates the second draft too. No, I'm not sure why. Apparently because I do know the answers to the questions I'm raising in my proposal. Yeah, those would be the questions I want to answer in my dissertation but apparently I'm already supposed to know the entire history of what I'm doing my research on. No, I don't know how that is possible or why a dissertation would even be necessary if we already knew it, but evidently, that's what I'm expected to know. She doesn't think I can get a good enough proposal before the end of the semester. Grant proposals are due in October and you have to be dissertation status to apply for them. That means, I couldn't apply for grants for next year. I'm not willing to wait two years to do my research trip. I'm married and 32 and I have other things I need to do in life besides waiting on this bitch to decide what the hell she wants. I'm frustrated beyond words and I can't stop crying. I just don't know what to do. I just don't think I can do this anymore.

Take two

I just e-mailed my advisor the second (and much better) draft of my dissertation proposal. Well, minus a few sections I haven't got to yet, but since I totally rewrote the proposal (I deleted the entire first draft) I wanted to make sure I was headed in the right direction and not have to start completely over again. I think this one was much better and I pray to God that she does too. Hopefully we can now schedule a defense date and I can buy plane tickets before they'll cost me an arm and a leg (because I hear it's very hard to do research in the archives without arms, and Russia really isn't disability friendly).

Other than that, the place is a mess and we're getting the kids this weekend. Tomorrow I will be doing a lot of cleaning. Today, I will be relaxing, e-mailing people, playing diablo and catching up on my magazine reading and maybe, if I have time, even start a real, non-history related book. Hey, my husband won't be home until 10:00p, so I have plenty of time. I'm going to go to the gym too. How much you want to bet I take a nap and get nothing done?

I hope everyone is well, and enjoying whatever break they have before the next semester starts.

These glasses fit nice

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. My grandma was nice enough to send him twenty dollars. We're broke, so I used it to get a hair cut. He really likes it though, so I guess it still counts as a buying him a present. Right? They actually let him off of work early yesterday, so we went out to dinner at an Indian place across the street. It was sooooo good and pretty affordable. An appetizer, two ice teas, two entrees and bread for less than thirty dollars. And enough left-overs for another meal for both of us. Today, my husband has duty, which means he won't be home until tomorrow. I'm going to bake his cake tonight (since I wasn't expecting him home early yesterday). Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. It will be great!!!

Since my husband is not here today, it was time to tackle the rewrite of the proposal. I have three and a half pages now and they are 100% better than the last try. That's what I hate: my advisor is always right. I'll add another couple of pages on Monday and then e-mail them to her so she can give me feed-back and see that I'm not a total idiot. Although, if she still hates it, I'm going to be in trouble. I don't think she will though. I'm using that e-mail she sent me, so if anything else, the structure will be better.

I think that's about it. Oh wait, no it's not. I had my free hour with a personal trainer at the gym on Friday. First, I weigh less than I expected, but that doesn't actually make me happy because most of my clothes still don't fit. Second, I have more fat than I need and less muscle. So she showed me some exercises to help reduce the one while gaining the other. Then I did a few. Very few. Today, I'm not dying or anything, but I've rediscovered some muscles I haven't seen in a while. Next week I'll start in earnest and hopefully I'll soon be able to fit back into some of my clothes.

Ok, now that's it. Have a great weekend.

I can't lift the rose colored glasses

I went swimming yesterday. I got a gym membership, I got stressed out by my advisor so I thought I'd go swimming. It felt great. I love the way I feel physically and emotionally in the water. I swam for about 35 minutes, which was 1/2 a mile. I haven't swam since January and I loved every minute of it. Except I need a new suit because the ass on mine is sagging. Today, I can't lift my arms. Ok, that's an slight fib: I can lift them, it just hurts a little itty bit. I wonder if I go back today if I'll be able to swim as much as I did yesterday? I'll let you know because I plan on going every day I can. And with my husband's work schedule, that's six days a week. I'm going to look smoking hot really quick!!!

As far as my dissertation proposal goes: I've done this dance with my advisor before. So instead of immediately starting on what I thought she wanted, I sent her an e-mail reiterating what I thought she wanted. That was a smart move because she sent me a detailed e-mail letting me know EXACTLY what she wants. I should be able to do it in about 2 weeks, maybe a little longer, but still in enough time to defend in early September. The hardest part: I have to defend WHY my dissertation will be ground-breaking and necessary for the history of the USSR. Because I'm interested in it is not considered a good enough answer (although I don't know why not!). So thank you for all the encouragement and cheering up. I also received an e-mail from a student I had last spring semester. She just wanted to let me know that she thought I was a great TA and how much she enjoyed my classes. Isn't that special!!!

Anyway, I should get to the proposal. But now, I think it will go much quicker and easier. I'm also more balanced in my approach (spending time doing other things) which also helps. Hope you all have a great day.

My life is crap

So my advisor hates my proposal and doesn't think it'll pass in time. Except, I think she has my dissertation proposal confused with grant proposals, which it is not. And the ironic thing, all the parts I based on Sarah's proposal (Sarah, the genius) she hates. Yet when I tried to get guidance, I got none. I'm going to go cry some more.

Moving on

Hi everyone!!! Today has been a busy day. I got up, cleaned the kitchen, my bedroom, the bathroom, sent e-mails, read blogs, folded clothes, took out the recycling, paid the rent and got a gym membership. I am now exhausted. I'm very excited about the gym membership. It's practically across the street (less than a 10 minute walk) and has a pool. I get to meet with a personal trainer once for free and I'm doing that on Friday. Yeah!!! I get to swim again. And maybe pilates. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. I needed a pick me up. I e-mailed my dissertation proposal to my advisor yesterday and she will get back to me by the end of the week with comments. I know I said I was going to read a book for fun after I e-mailed her, but now I'm all paranoid that my proposal sucks and that I should really keep working on it. I think I'll compromise and organize the stuff I have, while still working on my Russian translations. That's what I'm going to do this afternoon, mostly cuz' it's already too late to take a nap.

Highschool fantasy

I feel much better today. I usually do after sleeping on things. I realized that even though she apologized I couldn't accept it because she was basically apologizing for hurting me with her actions, but she wasn't apologizing for her actions. Which means she will continue with those and I just don't have time for that in my life. But, it bothered me because what in the world would make someone who is always complaining about not having any friends treat her only long-time friend like that. And I don't like the answer, but really, it's the only one that makes sense. Andrea admitted she had no adequate excuse for her actions. Then why are you still defending them? When she said she was upset because we eloped and didn't tell her, she was only telling part of the truth. She was upset because I eloped with Wes. I think she's still holding on to her highschool fantasy that someday her and Wes will be together. That's why she couldn't give me a reason. I think it's pathetic and sad that a fantasy means so much to her that she would give up her friend for it. They never dated, never slept together, nothing. It's just a fantasy. I guess that's what she wants though. I hope she can get over it though, because otherwise, her marriage is in some serious trouble. And I am proud of myself because when we were talking, I didn't bring it up at all (I had decided beforehand not to: yes, I pretty much already knew this is why she refused to come to our wedding). But I have you guys, so I don't need her. Thanks!

Break up

Well, I spoke to Andrea this afternoon. And now I'm even more confused. I told her that she had upset me and made me feel like her material wealth was more important than our friendship. She apologized for hurting my feelings, but not for what she did. That confused me. I was surprised she apologized, but how could she not understand why this upset me. I asked if I had done anything wrong and she finally admitted she was mad because we eloped without telling her and that she was mad because I went to Russia last summer instead of her wedding (I can't wait to hear what Camille has to say about that!). See, I told Andrea BEFORE she set her wedding date when I would be gone. She set the wedding for 2 weeks before I came back. When I pointed this out to her, she asked if I would postpone my wedding from Oct. to Feb. What!?! She said that it was only me that saw things that way. She also said I showed no interest in her wedding. I reminded her that I always asked for pictures of stuff and whenever we talked, she always told me she was tired of talking about her wedding. Then she pretty much started pulling stuff out of her ass and making stuff of. She also made a comment that could be interpreted as "I probably should have come up with a better excuse since you know how much I make." She also complained that when I visit TX I don't see her enough. Even though I have family there and usually don't have a car and she lives an hour away and has never offered to come get me. Anyway, she said she wanted to save the friendship but I told her I didn't feel like it was a friendship. I did tell her that I didn't think I could talk to her but maybe we could e-mail. I also told her I didn't really think of her as a friend because I didn't feel like she treated me like a friend.

I told Wes (he's at work) that I feel bad about it, but he said that I was justified. So, what do you think?

I have to ask.

Ok, I wasn't going to write about this, but it's driving me crazy and I need some opinions. It has to do with Andrea. You remember her, right? The girl who claimed I was her best friend but then became a total bitch when I married Wes. Yeah, her. Anyway, since I've moved to VA I haven't heard from her. At all. Now, all my other friends have either called, e-mailed, or left me sweet messages in my comments (or even in their blogs). Not Andrea. In fact, I called her once and after she heard that Wes and I were actually getting along very well, the conversation was pretty much over. I did mail her a thank-you for the very generic wedding gift she gave us, but I did that 2 days ago (I wasn't really feeling very thankful). Then, last night, guess who called and who obviously isn't aware that there's a time difference. So I didn't answer (because the phone was downstairs and I didn't get to it in time). She also left a message that went something like this: this is Andrea, you know your friend you haven't called in a long time. Since I haven't heard from you I thought I should call. Here's my phone number since you've obviously forgotten it (yes, that really was pretty much what she said). All in a very monotone, I don't care if I ever hear from you again voice. Now, in all honesty, I don't want to call her. I get sick to my stomach thinking about talking to her. Therefore, I don't think I should. That's just stress I don't really need in my life right now. Wes thinks I should call her and at least tell her why I don't want to be her friend. Opinions? Just let it go or let her know? Which should I do?

Off topic

I love to travel and ever since I was a teenager I swore I was going to visit every state in the USA and every country in the world (yes, I'm ambitious. And way behind). So when Clarity had a map of the USA with the states she had visited and a link, I just had to try it. So, here is a map of the USA and the states I have visited.
I thought it would look a lot more empty than that. I don't feel so bad anymore. It's just that I've STILL not been to New York city. We were going to go for our honeymoon, but now we don't have the time for that (or the money). I think we're going to go next year, before I go to Russia. And Wes wants to drive, so maybe I'll get to visit more states!

Ok, I'll leave you with that, because I honestly don't have enough energy to write more.

Monday Confusion

Yesterday was Wes's only day off for the next 2 weeks. And he didn't have Saturday off either, just yesterday. The Navy sucks. So, we worked on finance stuff. I have to be put on all his accounts (and he seems to have millions of them) so when he's at sea I can take care of them. And we want to do a budget, because that's the responsible thing to do and I would like, someday, to be well-off. That doesn't just happen. It starts with a budget. We went to church and then went window shopping (because right now we're broke) and we went to a pet store and discussed all the various pets we would like someday. I like big dogs, but he likes the small ones, which I don't think really qualify as dogs at all, but we came up with something we could both live with. We both love cats, so that wasn't difficult. We played a couple of computer game against each other. Blowing each other up is always fun. And we decided that when we do adopt, that we are combining our last names.

I never realized how last names seem so important to people who don't really matter. One of Wes's relatives actually told me (over the phone: I've never met her before) that if our kids didn't have his last name, people would think they were bastards. And it's a good thing she told me that over the phone so she didn't see me laughing hysterically. Is there still such a thing as bastard children? But it was an issue because I didn't change my name when we got married and I kind of wanted to pass my name on. But we came up with a combination that we both really like. So, our children will be: Weston (after my grandpa) Luke Marcek and Rebekah (no middle name yet) Marcek. That last part is pronounced check. Just so you know. So now that's settled.

I woke up last night at 3:00am freaking out about school. I realized that I want to do my month long research trip in October because Wes will be gone that month. That's only in two months. And, for the application stuff, I have to write a page long essay IN RUSSIAN about my research. And then when I'm in Russia, I'll have to speak IN RUSSIAN a lot. Because most people there don't speak English (and why should they?). And, to make it worse, almost everything in the RUSSIAN archives are IN RUSSIAN. My Russian stinks, even though I've been translating Russian texts for at least an hour everyday for the entire summer, I feel like my Russian has not improved. Besides, that doesn't help my speaking and I'm reading stuff about the government. That's not really useful day to day speaking stuff, especially since most Russians refuse to talk about the government or anything political. I mean, I'm not really learning how to make small talk here. So today the search of local universities and colleges for possible Russian tutors will begin. And hopefully end before I lose steam.

And the dissertation proposal continues. Today, lots and lots of translating and hopefully typing of the historiography section. Note to those writing a history dissertation proposal: type the bibliography first before the historiography section. It really does make it easier to see what you're working with and what you still need to read. To everyone else: sorry for boring you. But I should have plenty of time because Wes has duty tonight, so I won't see him until Tuesday night.

Finally, I'm going to start keeping a health journal because Wes thinks I have entirely too many headaches. And I agree. I just thought I had them because I'm a student and reading that much gives headaches. And being hunched over a desk for at least 5 hours a day. And, he doesn't understand that women get headaches at certain times of the month. But, I do agree with him in that they make me miserable and so I make him miserable and so they have to stop. Maybe if I keep a journal I'll see a pattern or maybe the doctor will. Hopefully. At least they're not migraines. Usually, they're just a combination of a sinus and tension headache (yes, at the same time). Fun, fun, fun.

Ok, I hope everyone had a great weekend. I need to get at the dissertation proposal.

Woohoo!!!

The Navy sent my husband home early last night!!! Guess what we did!!! It was nice having more than 15 minutes and it was really, really good. I'm still having weird hang-ups about being married to WES from HIGHSCHOOL, so sometimes things are a little weird in that area, if you know what I mean. But not last night.

And today, I'm cramping really bad!!! Why is that good? Well, my boobs starting swelling up over a week ago. Absolutely huge, for me. Which basically means they actually starting peaking out of my 34Bs. Still, huge for me. And my husband, being supportive, kept asking me: are you sure you're not pregnant? AHHHHHHHH!!!!! NO!!!! I AM NOT PREGNANT!!! Of course, I didn't actually know this, but therefore, I am very happy to be cramping. Aren't you guys glad you know all of this?

The dissertation proposal is up to 5 pages without footnotes, historiography section or bibliography. I'm still reading stuff and I'm also going to start adding the bibliography today. I'd like to get done in enough time to let someone read it before I send it to my advisor. That means I really gotta get on it. Which means I should probably quit wasting time here and get to it!

Shouldn't this be easy by now?

I started typing my dissertation proposal today. Not having written one before (what? Like you all have written dissertation proposals lying around your houses), I have pretty much stolen the outline of my brilliant friend Sarah, whose proposal is long, brilliant and long. With a 15 page bibliography. That includes sources from at least five different languages (English, French, German, Russian and either Hebrew or Yiddish or maybe both). I think my proposal will be closer to 10 pages with an eight page bibliography. So far, I have 2 pages, but I haven't added in footnotes, which usually take half a page or so,which would take it to 4 pages (in case you can't add). And, almost all my paragraphs open exactly like Sarah's with my topic substituted for hers. As we have two of the same professors on our committees, I'll go back later and substitute very basic, short words for the five-dollar words she uses, which I'm sure the professors know I don't know or use. I'm excited about this, but terrified. I have to prove I know enough about a topic no one has researched yet in order to get permission to research it. Did you follow that logic? That's what makes this difficult.

This weekend was Allison's birthday, so yesterday, Wes's only day off during the week, we drove four hours to the kids house. She liked the presents we brought and we stayed about 4 1/2 hours. We found out that the x and her man got married while they were on vacation. This actually makes Wes very happy because it's a more stable situation (she's less likely to run off somewhere else). I had great conversations with both the x and her husband. The kids gave me hugs hello and good-bye and spent much time yelling, "Stacy, watch this!" I took that as a good sign. Then, reluctantly, we climbed in the car and drove four more hours home. Then collapsed, as Wes had to be to work by six this morning.

I obviously had allergies to something here. I am currently trying allergy medication, as my main symptom is massive sinus headache. As most of you probably realize, reading and writing with a headache is nearly impossible and definitely not fun. They seemed to be working until yesterday and today. But, we had ridiculous amounts of sugar yesterday, in addition to sitting in a car for eight hours. Then today, I cleaned for an hour and half, in addition to sitting in a car for eight hours yesterday. At least I hope that's why my head hurts today.

I guess that's really it for now. Although I would like to add, Nadia I love you and I would buy your rice krispies if I were in Madison.

Evidence!!!

Look!!! A growing pile of dirty clothes less than five feet from the dirty clothes hamper.


The empty Dr. Pepper cans scattered about the house indicate that Wes was here. More proof that I have a husband!!!

I did have human contact yesterday though. I had coffee with a woman I met and I really like her. She's smart, funny and I think we have a lot in common. That makes me happy.

I have a husband?

Yes, I believe I do and I think he looks like this!!! If you see him, could you please return him to me. I have reason to believe he is being held hostage by the Navy, which is demanding 6 day work weeks and 14 hour days for his return. Which makes for a lonely Stacia, since I haven't met that many people yet. And even though it gives me plenty of time to work on my dissertation proposal, let's face it, you can only spend so many hours working on homework before your brain spontaneously combusts. I would offer a reward for my husband's return, but since I don't work, I can only offer to write history papers. Thank you.

Summertime randomness

Today I got up at 6:30am to get my car inspected. WI does not require car inspections so I did not realize I needed one here until I drove by 5 different gas stations with inspection signs. So I went in and got my car inspected this morning. Pretty early. If you will recall, I had the kids for 2 weeks and I'm also having a hard time falling asleep at night. I think that has something to do with Wes being in bed with me. Anyway, I was home before 8:00am and feeling really, really tired. Being tired and trying to write is not a good combination. Especially when it's something really important. So I decided to take a nap. Just a short one. No more than a half hour. And then I could get started. I woke up at 11:00am. I'm upset that I lost so much time, but also feel better because I obviously needed it. And it was early enough in the day that I shouldn't have a hard time falling asleep tonight.

It's summertime. One of the benefits of being a student is that you get your summers off. Yeah, we work on stuff, but we play alot too. My mom, who was a kindergarten teacher for 20 years is taking classes this summer (working on her MA) and she was complaining that she has no summer. It's hard to work during the summer when you know you're "supposed" to have it off. Thankfully, Wes is working on Saturday, so I'm sure I'll get something done this week. Actually, I'm pulling a classic graduate student stunt. I need to write a dissertation proposal. I've done research but I don't really remember what (thank God I type my notes). I'm printing my notes today and highlighting what I think I need. Tomorrow I will sit down and type until I have used every single one of those highlighted notes and if I'm lucky it will result in a dissertation proposal. I think this is how most graduate students write their seminar papers. Even if it's not perfect, it should be good enough (after a few read throughs and corrections) to send to my professors as a very rough draft. I'll update you later to let you know how that went.

Last night there was a deployment debriefing for the members of my husband's ship. Basically that just means they want to let you know what's going on between now and when they leave for 6 months and the best way to be prepared and how to keep in contact and all that other good stuff. The most surprising thing: many wives AND sailors (there are no married women on board the ship and sailors is gender neutral) are surprised to learn that they could be sent somewhere where they could be in danger. What? YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND IS IN THE MILITARY. THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. THEY GO TO DANGEROUS PLACES. I understand that you only signed up because you wanted your college paid for, but that ain't free money. You have to earn it. I'm not thrilled with the prospect that my husband could be in danger, but after studying 20th century European history, there really isn't anything going on right now that compares. But I did figure out why my husband doesn't watch the news: he doesn't want to know. First, everytime he sees something, he sees it in terms of "are we going to send someone over there." Second, if you know you have to go, do you really want to know that the government kept information from you and sent you there on false pretextes? No, not really. I guess I can understand that. But, the ship's schedule keeps changing and once again it looks like we might have to change our "wedding" date or just cancel altogether.

I'm going to coffee with someone next week. I'm very excited about that.

Ok, that's it. Enough wasting time when I need to be working. I'm going to go play a game of AOE now.

Fireworks

We made our own!!!
I took the kids to their mom on Monday and we got to sleep in yesterday. I've been here a month, but the first week we were sore from moving furniture and boxes and then he went back to work (usually leaves at 6:00am and gets home around 7:30p) which means he was still tired. Then the kids for two weeks. We're newlyweds for heaven's sake. So, yesterday was good.

In addition to the fireworks, we also cleaned up a HUGE financial mess my husband had gotten himself into. We found a way to drop his creditcard payments by $500 a month. Which means we'll now have enough money to eat and fill up the cars with gas and still pay more than the minimum payment on the cards. That was a huge relief to me. And, he found out he had a $40 credit on his Linen n'Things card so we went and spent that. Although the people working there pissed me off, so I probably won't go back. The automatic door was not working and we had to force it open, something that probably wouldn't be easy for anyone with a cart and/or kids. There were two people working who were standing RIGHT THERE and talking. I just looked over and mentioned that the door wasn't working, you know, so they could FIX IT. The response: "yeah, probably" and they went back to talking.

This week: write a dissertation proposal. The Fulbright grant proposal is due on August 1st. I need to apply for it, so I really need to get a rough draft of my proposal (both the "real" thing and the grant) to my advisor. I hope it really is as easy as it sounds (it won't be) but I have got to get it done. I also need to get my car inspected, get signed up for health insurance (birth control pills run out in three weeks) and get clearance to get on the navy bases so I can get groceries. And if I could manage to unpack more and organize more, that would be great too.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Hope you all had a great holiday.

Things that drive me crazy about kids

and that I totally don't understand.

Real life conversation, except about 15 minutes long instead of the 3 minutes it will take you to read this.

V: Daddy, can we go see your ship!?!
D: Yes, let's go see the ship where I work for the Navy.
As we're driving to the Naval base
V: Wow, there's a lot of Naval base signs. Why?
D: Because we're going to see Daddy's ship, on the navy base.
V: We're going to see your ship!?! You work on a naval base!?!
D: Yes, I work on the naval base on a ship.
As we pull up to enter the base
V: Are we on the naval base?
D: Yes, we're on the naval base, to go see daddy's ship.
V: Wow, look at all those ships with guns. Are we on a military base?
D: Yes, we're on the naval base to go see daddy's ship.
V: We're on the naval base!?!
D: Yes, to see the ship where daddy works.
V: You work in the navy!?!
D: Yes.
V: Wow, look there's more ships. Are we on a military base!?!
And continue for the next 10 minutes or more until we reach the ship.
On the ship:
V: Is this where you fight the bad guys?
D: We don't really fight anyone. We just sail around.
Next room
V: Is this where you fight the pirates?
D: We don't really fight anyone. We just sail around (I should add that the ship he is on actually does fight pirates and drug smugglers).
Next room
V: Is this where you fight the bad guys?
Continue until off the ship.
On the way home.
V: What happens if bad guys came and attacked your ship and used ropes to fly over the water to get on your ship?
D: That's not going to happen.
V: But what if it did?
D: It wouldn't.
V: What if aliens came down to your ship?
D: That wouldn't happen.
V: But what if it did?
Continue this line of questioning until we reach home.

On a more positive note, I have exchanged e-mail addresses and/or phone numbers with four different women. They are all navy wives, but I think I'll really get along with at least two of them (that's pretty good odds). This makes me happy. And, one of the women I met today and think I will really like is married to a real Russian whose hobby is Russian history. We all plan on getting together for dinner real soon.

I also burned my thighs at the beach yesterday. But, yesterday was a great day.

Come again?

I'm exhausted. How do moms get anything productive done? And by productive, I mean something that isn't going to have to be repeated again within 3 days. Laundry doesn't count, dishes really don't count, cooking, doesn't count, screaming at the kids, definitely doesn't count, banging my head on the wall, nope, that doesn't count either. They are good kids and for the most part, if I tell them something, they do it, if I tell them no, they don't complain (but they do ask again in 15 minutes). But, they talk constantly, can't be left alone (this one I can't figure out: as a child I would go in my room and read for hours), and love to emit high-pitched whining noises that will eventually make my head explode. However, they have quit screaming at each other in the morning. Wes told them if they didn't knock it off there would be hell to pay. They obviously believed him. But children are so weird. Like, if you tried to flip your breakfast spoon, with milk, over once to put it in your mouth and it didn't work, why would you try it again with cereal on it?

Things I miss about being childless:
being able to wake up in the morning at my own pace and deciding if I want to check my e-mail before breakfast.
Walking around naked and not having to check to make sure the door is locked.
Being able to read without being interrupted.
Listening to loud music with offensive and suggestive lyrics.
Having sex that lasts longer than 15 minutes.
Having enough energy to have sex that lasts longer than 15 minutes (there's something wrong when as newlyweds you argue over who has to be on top because neither one of you have enough energy to do it: I should add that I won because we all know that men will do anything for sex).
Being able to have a full conversation with my husband without being interrupted.
Being able to watch TV.
Being able to go to bed when I want.
Having a completely silent house.

I think that's it for now. I'm sure there are others, but this will do.

Zoo and other types of animals

My family looking at the elephants.

We went to the zoo this week. It was fun and it's a nice zoo, but it's small enough that if we went after lunch (instead of spending $20 there on lunch) we could still see everything and be home for dinner. Lesson learned.

See the x was worried about the children learning about God but instead they were learning how to cuss. Victor told me that one of the songs they were learning had the S word in it. I asked which song it was. He said you started out by yelling the S word and then it went "to the Lord." It took a lot not to fall down laughing. I calmly told him it was "Shout to the Lord" and that's why they screamed it. I've heard kids mess up a lot of church things, but that's the first time a cuss word was incorporated. VBS is over now, but the kids really enjoyed it.

The week went great, for the most part. However, I keep waking up to the sound of screaming children. I do not like this. It makes me wake up in a bad mood. Therefore, we are trying to solve this problem. I'll let you know how that goes. Allison also asked her daddy when I was going home to Wisconsin so they could spend some time together without me. He then explained, again, that we were married, I lived here and was now their step-mom. But she hasn't said anything bad to me, so that's good.

Alright, need to put the rugrats to bed. Hope everyone had a great weekend. I know I did.

Huh???

Maybe these things make sense when you're a mom.
First scenerio: All three of us were playing a board game (kiddie scrabble). You have 7 tiles, you play 2 and then pick up 2 for a total of 7. We have played this game 3 times in the past three days. About 15 minutes into the third game, Allison looks at me when it's her turn and declares, "I don't remember how to play!"
Second scenerio: Victor and I were playing a game. I finished my turn. Victor looks at me and asks (very seriously), "Is it my turn?"

Survival of day one

Except the day isn't over yet and I got really badly sunburned at the park because I figured I would take the sunscreen to the pool instead. Bad move. I am now crispy.

The kids have been great. They are at VBS right now, learning all about, gasp, God. Heaven forbid. And I should add, I don't have a problem with people meeting on-line. I have a problem with people who cheat and then take the kids to live with someone they've never actually met. Ironically, one reason she left was because Wes didn't make enough. Now, Wes got a great pay increase and her man is out of a job. Evidently he never owned furniture, as every piece in the house once belonged to Wes (including the bed they sleep in) and they're down to one car: guess who paid for that one too!!! Anyway, the kids were great. They ate good, they played good and minimum fighting. This afternoon we went to the park (see above) and then played board games. When they get home we'll have snacks (fruit and yogurt) and then baths and then bed (with story, of course). Victor had three plates of food for dinner (a relief because you never know what kids will eat) and Allison asked why I don't hug them more because she would like that (Victor said he wouldn't, but he's shy). So far, so good. I'll keep you posted.

Insta-mommy

We picked up the kids yesterday. Apparently the x decided that even though my husband won't be here, I will. And this woman has only met me twice and I've only met the kids twice and she didn't even know we were married (she does now), but she decided that it would be great for the kids to stay with us for at least two weeks. Now, I'm not a mom, so I really can't judge, but under these circumstances, would you let your kids stay for two weeks or longer? Then, she called and ripped Wes a new one because we took them to church and enrolled them in vacation bible school. Yes, that's right, we intentionally TOOK THE CHILDREN TO CHURCH!!!! I mean really, what kind of evil, twisted, wicked people are we that we would TAKE CHILDREN TO CHURCH. Maybe she's just scared that we're going to tell the children that she's a ho for moving ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO LIVE WITH A MAN SHE MET OVER THE INTERNET EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS STILL MARRIED AND SHE TOOK THE KIDS TO LIVE WITH A MAN SHE MET OVER THE INTERNET. Right now, her mommy skills aren't looking all that great to me. We would never tell the kids that anyway. One day they'll figure that out on their own. "Oh, one morning we said good-bye to daddy, got on an airplane, and when we got off, we went and lived with this guy and mommy slept in his bed." Yeah, they won't figure THAT out on their own.

Anyway, I'm freaking out because I really haven't had all that much kid contact since I babysat in highschool. And I really, really have to work on my dissertation proposal and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to do. But I have a few things planned and Wes will be back on Thursday night, so it shouldn't be that bad. The kids are really well behaved, but even well behaved kids are still kids. And they go to bed later than I do, so that may be a problem. I'll let you know how it goes, and please, if you're a mom, send me suggestions.

Other than that, I hope everyone had a great weekend.

The neighbors

I thought you might like some pictures of the neighbors.

This is the view from our master bathroom. This is directly behind us.

Just in case you weren't sure what that is, here is the frontal view. And they're busy. I guess Virginia has some sort of ordinance against burying dead pets in your backyard. Creepy.

Two steps forward, trip over a box

This is Chicago. The traffic was really, really slow. Which was actually good because I'm not used to driving in traffic anymore.

This was my view (the truck) for most of the drive. I'm pretty sure this picture was taken in Pennsylvania

Ok, I know that nothing is in focus, but look how brightly colored those flowers are!!! This is Maryland.

This will be a killer week. Wes will be at sea all week. I will not see him again until Saturday, and when he gets home, we go pick up the kids. Welcome to my new life!

Yesterday I spent hours getting the master bedroom into shape. My desk is in here, and I need to unpack my dissertation stuff so I can start working on it. So I cleaned and put away and vacuumed and stuff. I even cleaned the masterbath. It look really good. And then I brought up two boxes labeled "desk". Can someone please explain to me how two small boxes need a desk the size of my entire master bedroom? Although, I am glad I organized and cleaned before I brought them up here. Today, that's all I'm doing: getting my desk in shape. Oh, and going to the store to pick up cards for father's day. And laundry. And I really should wash the kitchen floor. And I need to e-mail about 10 people. And I'm starting to feel really overwhelmed.

I was having a freak out morning. I've moved half-way across the country to be with someone I have not spent all that much "real" time with. I don't have a job and don't have qualifications (yet) to get a good paying job. I don't know the area. I don't have any friends. I was starting to feel really, really scared. What if things don't work out and fall apart quickly? What do I do? What if Wes starts making outrageous demands, like my ex-husband, and I can't do them and he throws me out? Irrational fears, I know. We've gotten along great. We get along great. It will be fine. Then I got a phone call. From one of the other navy wives. She just wanted to welcome me to the area and knew that I was a new navy wife and if I needed anything, to just give her a call. She was very friendly. And I felt much better when I got off the phone. I also went to church yesterday. Wes was at work, so I went by myself. I didn't meet anyone, but they have women's groups, so I can meet people there too. I do have a lot to do (unpack, clean, write a dissertation proposal, buy a wedding dress, get invitations, get a photographer, you know, little stuff like that), but it's going to be ok. I even took stuff up to the attic all by myself (I'm afraid of ladders). It will be ok.

Sorry I don't have any pictures of here yet. We haven't left the house all that much yet. I hope everyone is doing well and not having irrational fears like me!
(Every time I type in masterbath as one word the spell check always wants to replace it with masterbate. I just thought that was funny.)

I'm here!!!

Well, the guys who came over to help Wes packed up the truck managed to pack everything in my apartment in less than 2 hours. I think it's because I had packed and organized everything so well. We left Sunday morning and drove until we reached the Ohio-Pennsylvania border. Once we got out of Illinois, I had never been in any of these states, until we reached Maryland. Indiana and Ohio look like Minnesota and Wisconsin, except with more trees and fewer cows. I even saw a few live deer. Pennsylvania is beautiful. Absolutely amazing. I do have a few pictures taken along the way, but I'm not sure where my camera is right now. We got here about 6:15p on Monday. Tuesday we did a lot of running around for errands and we unloaded the entire truck except for the piano. We put all the furniture where we wanted it (most of it upstairs) and everything else in the garage. Yesterday, we started unpacking. At one point, Wes looked at me and stated that he had just realized that I had more stuff than him. Duh!!! I unpacked almost all of my books yesterday, the masterbath and some of the kitchen stuff. Wes hadn't finished unpacking from when he moved, so he did that. We will have a lot of stuff we still need to go through and organize, but right now, we just want everything to go somewhere. And, I don't remember where I put the bolts for my bed, which is now going to be the kids bed. Hope I find those soon. Last night, a friend of ours (and Charley's) came over and helped unload the piano. Today we're going to take the truck back, go see a movie, run a few more errands, and go out to eat. You need a break every now and then. Well, just wanted to let you know the move went well, and things are going really, really good. Hope you are all well.

Wes is coming tomorrow!!!

This is what my apartment looks like right now.
Wes is coming tomorrow. I'm not exactly stressed, but I'm a little overwhelmed. First, I have to finish packing stuff and cleaning today and changing addresses etc. I have a ton of stuff I had wanted to sell but haven't. I've decided to take it all to goodwill because I really don't want to pack it all and then just have it sit at the new place. After seeing my grandparents, I don't want that experience in my own place any time soon. Besides, I'm out of boxes.

Wes is getting here tomorrow. I knew this day would come, where I would move and we would really be "married" but I didn't expect it to happen this quickly. And, I realized I married someone who since 1999 I have seen, in person, a total of 2 months. Since we've been married, I've seen him 10 days. Now, I don't regret my decision and I am happy with the direction my life it taking, but it will definitely be filed under, "yes, your father and I did something stupid, but we're not going to let you do that!" Kind of like my parents. My mom was 21, divorced, with a three year old (me) and my dad was a 19 year old freshman in college who wanted to be a professional drummer. They eloped after dating less than 6 months and moving across the country together. His best friend gave them, at most, 10 years. Next year will be their thirtieth wedding anniversary. So, why do we consider stuff like this stupid? We all know at least one person who dated someone for 5 years, got married and quickly divorced. I guess it all depends on your commitment and the circumstances.

But, I now am confronted by the fact that not only am I now a wife, I am a "military" wife. I'm also a step-mom. Marriage alone is a big step. Add those other two facts and my life is about to completely change. Let the adventures begin.

So I had all this funny stuff I was going to post, but apparently my brain is only funny in the car, so I can't really remember anything. I hope everyone has a great weekend. The next time I post, I will be living in Virginia Beach!!!

And the packing continues

While most of you are enjoying your day off, I'm going to be packing up the rest of the kitchen, and then, heading to the library to check out a ton of books, most of them in Russian, so I can work on my dissertation proposal. I'm also having coffee with a friend (ok, not coffee, probably tea: I hate coffee). I've also already cleaned the bathroom this morning and translated a Russian book for an hour (it takes me about an hour to directly translate a page: I need to use several Russian language books and articles for my dissertation proposal, which is due in Aug. Does anyone else see the problem here?). Friday I carried as much stuff as I could from my basement storage unit to my apartment. Saturday, I know I did stuff, I just don't remember what. And I met a friend for drinks and a little window shopping. I'm sure going to miss her. Yesterday, I packed up more than half the kitchen. Today I want to finish it and start wiping out the cabinets. I also had tea and desserts with some friends yesterday. That was a blast. We're all in the history department, so we dished the dirt. I'm going to miss those girls too. Good-byes are so sad.

In other breaking Navy news: the Navy already hates me. How do I know this? Well, Wes called me on Friday to let me know that due to a schedule change he may not be able to make it next weekend. He is currently begging and pleading with everyone who likes him (which is apparently everyone in the Navy: it must be me they don't like). We're going to pretend that everything will be fine. EXCEPT: he also has the flu and pink eye in both eyes, which is highly contagious. Why would this affect anything? Well, if you took off sick for a week and then requested a week of vacation, do you think your boss would give it to you? I guess we'll find out. Or else there may be a boat where everyone has pink eye. How much fun would that be?

Well, I need to get to packing. I hope everyone enjoys their day off and please take a moment to remember those who have died for us and our country.

Tidalwave Tour

Every since I got back from my grandparents I've been seeing someone everyday. I'm leaving sooner than I expected, so I have a lot of goodbyes to say more quickly than I anticipated. It has also been raining. Alot and often. Wednesday night I was going to go out with Venus. It had been cloudy all day, but nice. At 6:15p I took a shower (I'd been packing boxes all day) and when I got out, I noticed it had gotten pretty dark outside. At 6:30p the wind started to pick up. At 6:35 God declared his anger and opened up the heavens. The radio interrupted whatever song it was playing to tell everyone we had a severe thunderstorm watch and to stay inside. At 6:45p Venus called: from outside my apartment. I live in a low-lying area. My skirt is supposed to be all one color. You see the dark grey at the bottom? That's because in the 10 minutes it had been raining, the water was already several inches above the gutter. It was mid-calf. When I got into the car, I was soaked. And we just laughed and laughed. By the time we got to the restaurant, it wasn't raining as hard. Within ten minutes, the sun was back out. That's ok. We had margaritas and ate and talked (we stayed so long they started turning the lights off) then came back here and kept talking. Out of all my friends here, I think I'm going to miss Venus the most (well, and my other friend Tiffany too). But I know our friendship will continue with e-mail and things like that.

Last night I went out with my other friend Meegan. Today I have lunch plans. Tomorrow night I'm going out for drinks. Sunday I'm having tea with a couple of people. Monday it's coffee. Tuesday night dinner with a group of friends and I still have 3 people I'm waiting to hear back from. At least I don't have to worry about buying groceries and not finishing them! I hate good-byes though. I'm not really that good at them. I have loved my time here, but it's time to move on to a somewhat different phase of my life. School will still be a big part of it, always will, but now I have a husband and step-kids too. It's about time.

Never let me go

That's the title of the book I just finished. It was written by Kazuo Ishiguro. I don't know what I think about it. I think I'll have to think about it for several days. Then I'll have to put it aside for a time, maybe even years and then reread it. Then I'll be able to tell you what I think about it. It's definitely thought provoking. And well written (although the beginning style drove me crazy with all the "first I guess I should tell you about this, but to tell you that I really need to tell you this" passages). When I read Waiting (and I feel bad, I can't remember who wrote it, but he also wrote Crazed, an excellent book), I hated it. Just hated it. I thought it was awful. And I sold it. Now, I want to reread it. I took a class on the PRC (People's Republic of China: I hope that's right) and realized I needed to reread it, that it would make more sense. I don't hate Never let me go the way I hated Waiting, but I do feel I will better understand it with time. Towards the end I started feeling the same way I did when I read The Time Traveler's Wife. When you want things to work out, but you know they won't. Although I kept thinking, just don't go back. Anyway, I would recommend it. It was a good, easy read and I couldn't put it down. I guess in the end, that's the best compliment you can give a book.

I spent today at the library. I got stuff done. Enough said about that. I had lunch with Sean and we talked about dissertation stuff. I'm having dinner with Tiffany tomorrow night. I'm going to miss her so much. Why can't I just take all my friends with me? This isn't as hard as leaving behind Camille when I moved to WI, but it's still hard. I guess that's it for now. Everyone go to your local bookstore and buy that book, read it and let me know what you think.

A is for. . .

Have you ever really looked at a dictionary? That thing is filled with utterly useless and archaic words. However, I did manage, in the first two pages, to find 7 words I thought were useful and/or interesting. It never hurt anyone to know more. But at 2 pages a day, I'm never going to get through the dictionary.

This weekend I packed. Almost all my books, except the ones I need right now, are packed. I think it ended up being 37 boxes. Less than I thought, but I did pack them pretty heavy. Now I'm trying to get rid of some of my furniture. If a friend told me three weeks ago she wanted some of my furniture and asked me to hold it for her but has not contacted me yet to tell me when she would pick it up and has not returned any of my attempts to ask her, can I sell the stuff to someone else? I need the money and I want to get rid of this stuff. I need to get rid of this stuff so I have more places to put more boxes. I figure if I do a little each day, especially after packing so much this weekend, I should be done when Wes gets here. At least I better be.

I'm starting to work on my dissertation proposal today too. I'm excited about it, but also a little stressed out. I've never done this before so it's all new and exciting and scary. But I want to get as much done as possible before I leave so I can turn some of these library books back in. Actually, that's what I should be doing now.

I had to force myself to e-mail Andrea yesterday. I e-mailed her my new address and that I've just been gone and too busy to call. It's not that I'm still mad at her, it's just that I don't care. I'm not interested in her as a friend or a person. I guess I'll just send her the thank-you note for the wedding gift and then let that be the end of it. When I e-mailed her, I told her I didn't know my new phone number yet. That's a lie, but I really don't want to talk to her. Time to make new friends and appreciate the old ones.

Well, I guess that's about it. I should be reading and/or packing and cleaning my apartment. Hope everyone has a great week.

Start packing

I meant to post before I left, but then it took longer to grade the finals than I expected, and I lost one and had to tear through several bags looking for it. I also needed new windshield wipers because it was raining and mine were shredded. That was a wise move and made the driving much more pleasurable. But anyway, I just didn't get around to posting. So, here goes.

I met with my advisor before I went to my grandparents. She told me the reason she had asked me those questions during the orals was because my written work was so good she had to find something else to ask me about. And, I could tell she was not happy with the questions the other woman asked me. So I feel much better about that. She also said that I can take my short research trip in November instead of July, which makes my life much easier. She wants me to enjoy being married and wants me to have plenty of time to work on my dissertation proposal. I am getting very excited about my dissertation. So is she, which is nice. Right now, the academic aspect of life is looking good.

However, I realized my vocabulary has actually shrunk and my grammar has gotten worse, so these are two things I will be working on for at least the rest of the year. Therefore, you might visit this page to see interesting words defined or an little unknown grammar fact. Well, it will probably only be unknown to me. I'm sure the rest of you will already know it!

The student's finals. HA!!!! They had to identify a map. The map had Italy on it and then the countries to Italy's east (the former Yugoslavia). I had someone identify Bulgaria as Italy. How do you do that? Doesn't everyone know that Italy looks like a boot!?! This same person also put Germany and France in the former Yugoslavia. But this has also made me aware that I don't know enough geography, so I will also be working on that. Also, some good tidbits from the finals: Stalin inherited Lenin; because the Russians lost WWI they renamed themselves Communists; revolution in Russia was so easy because communist ideas were floating all over it (like balloons?); and my favorite: tampons are feminist products. Apparently only feminist have periods. They had to talk about feminine hygiene products because they were not consistently produced under communism, and how valued can women be if their governments don't even make tampons (or tampoons as one man spelled them) and pads. I had several male students who also said that cotton batting was used to make tampons, instead of being used as pads. I gave them the benefit of the doubt (as I did the feminist guy). Most of them are freshman and probably really don't know.

Then, I drove 8 hours to visit my grandparents. My parents were also there, as was my aunt. My uncle Steve lives there. My grandparents moved from their two story with basement and two car garage house, where they've lived for 25 years, into a two bedroom, one car garage, no basement, but only one floor and entirely wheel-chair accessible, apartment. I'm sure that all of you with grandparents know immediately what the dilemma was. Stuff, stuff and more stuff. But wait, it gets worse. My grandma loves her rummage sales. And for most people, this stuff could just be put back out on sale, but nooooooo, not grandma, because even though every single family member has been there several times and picked through everything, there still might be some unknown family member who decides they want it. And furniture. Since when does furniture that was bought either at rummage sales or at stores, 20 years ago, count as sentimental items? Add to that, my grandpa is exhibiting signs of some sort of early dementia. So sometimes he couldn't figure out what was going on and he's meaner than usual and he doesn't want to get rid of radio and TV equipment from 50 years ago (he owned his own repair shop until color TV became popular: do you guys remember how long ago that was? Yeah, me either). We all actually managed to clean the house up quite a bit. We all took completely full cars back to wherever it was we were going. But the garage is still a mess. I stayed an additional three days after everyone else left, so I managed to straighten out the house and vacuum and clean the bathrooms. It looks so much better, but there's still a ton of stuff in it. I guess my uncle will just have to deal with it.

My grandparents have been married almost 60 years. My grandpa is a disabled WWII vet. He got hit by shrapnel in Okinawa and is partially paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors gave him 5 years to live and said he would never walk (he has a hole the size of a fist in his lower back). Well, he's still here, and he still walks, but he's in a ton of pain. But, this means my grandma has been a caregiver for almost 60 years. Now he can't take care of the bills anymore. My grandma has never done any of that stuff. And like I said, he's exhibiting signs of dementia and is getting meaner. My grandma feels like he doesn't love her and just needs someone to take care of him. This isn't true. I know my grandpa loves her, but I don't envy her position. She is deeply depressed and kept saying, when do I get to retire? When do I get my own life? She wants new furniture, but they live out in the middle of nowhere and he doesn't like to drive places (he doesn't drive anymore) and she doesn't like to leave him alone too long. Stuff like that. I finally talked to her about it, about talking to her doctor about maybe getting medication. She didn't like the idea, but she did admit she was depressed and I think that alone helped. The new place they're in doesn't have stairs, so she can leave him alone more often and take walks. And talk to neighbors and maybe start going to church again. Things that get her out and about. That make her feel like she has a life of her own. And now I'm moving farther away. I feel like a bad granddaughter.

I'm moving in two weeks. I'm terrified. I'm excited to be living with my husband, but scared of making new friends and of trying to find an academic circle of friends. This will be state number six for me. And only the second state on the east side of the Mississippi. I'm excited about all the history in the area. I just hate making friends. I'm not good at it. Wes laughs about how uncomfortable I am in new situations because he is so outgoing and such a people person. He promised to help without pushing. I have a ton of stuff to do in that two weeks. And we are so broke right now. It'll be better come fall, but right now, things are really tight.

Anyway, I hope everyone is good.

I passed

and I'm pissed. Two of my committee members asked good questions and prompted me when I needed it. They even helped me out when the questions from the other members flustered me. Two of committee members asked me questions beyond the scope of my pre-lim lists. That really pissed me off. But I passed and I'm over it. Time to move on. I'm meeting with my advisor tomorrow to discuss dissertation stuff. I've got to get that out of the way. I hope she doesn't yell at me about my orals. But, the graduate advisor for the department said that the professors told him my written exams were very strong. So that's probably what saved me. And it's over. Moving on.

The navy won't move me. We have never lived together to therefore, this is not his stuff and they won't move it. If we had lived together before we got married they would move it, because then it would be his stuff too, but not just because we're married. Makes total sense. So if you see me at the side of the road with a piano and 100 boxes of books, please have mercy and pick me up.

The students are taking their final today. I will then grade like mad because I'm leaving on Saturday for my grandparents house, where my parents will be also. That will be nice.

Ok, I need to get stuff ready, like, myself. Hope everyone is feeling just a little bit better than I am.

I feel. . . random

First, I'd like to point out that I added new friends so go read their blogs!!! These are people I've been reading for a while, but haven't gotten around to adding them, mostly because I was afraid I would have forgotten how. Thank God for copy/paste!!! Also, I changed Clarity's link, so now it takes you to her photoblog, and you don't need a password. So check her out too. Wes promised me that he would help me create a new template this summer. I'm thinking of a picture of all our bookshelves with me in front. He's a computer guy, so he can do just about everything. I have problems adding links. What's really nice about his offer: I still refuse to let him read my blog. He knows I have one, but doesn't know where it is. (At least he claims that.) It's my blog. It's where I blow off steam and talk about my feelings. And if I'm mad at him, I'd like to be able to vent my frustration without making the situation worse, by actually calling him all those things. He seems cool about it, especially since when I write good things about him, I read it to him. He's such a great husband.

Today. Today I am going to buy a mother's day present. I will actually see my mom next Sunday, so I should have something. I am also going to try to look up a few book reviews about the current state of historiography for USSR history. I hope I can find enough that I don't look like a complete idiot. Also, checked ticket prices yesterday and I think I will be going to Russia this summer. Exciting, yes. Stressful, yes. I also have to call the navy today to find out if they will move me to VA for free since I'm married to Wes. Cross your fingers that the answer is yes. Otherwise, I will be hitchhiking across the country with a piano, a bed, 4 bookshelves and 100 boxes of books.

I'd also like to point out that I have finished reading A BOOK FOR FUN!!!! Yes, it was The Historian which makes it a bit ironic, but it was a great book. A great book about researching in libraries, archives and different foreign countries. How could a book get more exciting than that!?! I should add, they were looking for Dracula. It was a really good book and she left it open for a sequel. First, I look forward to that. Secondly, this book would make a great movie. And I never say that about books. I usually hate movies based on books, but this one, it would be good.

Ok, off to the library webpage. You have to love the convenience of the www. You can do research in the comfort of your own home, dressed in sweats, without having brushed your teeth yet. That's progress.

Why do they hate me so?

The phone in my TA office rang today. It never rings and it's almost never for anyone in my office (all the TA offices share one line), but for some reason I answered it. I wish I hadn't. One of my committee members forgot he is going to be out of town tomorrow which makes an oral defense really difficult. Thus, it's been rescheduled for Wednesday. It's just a pain in the ass. I wanted to feel like that part was done and move on. The professor did, however, promise me a beer to make up for it. My advisor is finally back in town. She said my pre-lim essays were strong and mentioned a few things about what she would ask me about during my orals. Of course, I don't know any of it, but I guess I now have an extra day to figure it out (does anyone know about Russian historians: I mean the ones who live in Russia, not just study Russia). Anywho. She also asked me how my summer plans (ie, trip to Russia) were going. Um. . . . kind of on hold. But, I just checked expedia a minute ago, and the prices are still cheap, so maybe I'll still make it. Boy, this is going to be a busy summer.

Anyway, I was going to post picture of the hot-pink wig, but now I'm in a foul mood, so you'll just have to wait!

Do you think I'm sexy?

My husband does!