Merry Christmas

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, and if you were behind me when I went through security with my kids, I'm sorry about the 7 bins of stuff we had and how long it took to take our shoes and coats off, and get my computer out of my backpack, and how long it took to put our shoes and coats back on and put my computer back in my backpack. Eat lots of food, drink lots of drink, and kiss much under the mistletoe.

Um, excuse me? Where are you?

I'm getting older and strange things are happening. Mostly I think I'm losing my mind. Example one: the other night, I got naked (because that's how I sleep), crawled into bed and watched TV, turning the channel several times. I decided I needed to use the bathroom, so I got up and used the bathroom. When I came back, I could not find the remote. Anywhere. ANYWHERE. I looked under the covers, between the covers, behind the bed, on the floor, under the bed. I could not find it ANYWHERE. I did not understand. It was just there. I had just used it. Finally, I just got up and turned the TV off. The next morning, I found the remote. UNDER MY PILE OF CLOTHES. Had it decided it was cold so it jumped off the bed and tunneled under the clothes? It was very weird.

Example two: Today I was vacuuming the stairs (which I hate). When I got half-way down the stairs I found one white sock. Let me repeat that: ONE WHITE SOCK. It hadn't been there when I went down for breakfast, or when I came back up from breakfast. My washer and dryer is on the second floor, next to my bedroom, so it's not like I dropped it doing laundry. Matter of fact, I hadn't done the load of whites yet. I still have no idea how that ONE WHITE SOCK got there.

Example three: I can't remember what it is but I know there was one. Oh well, you get the idea.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Joy!!!

Although you may think the title is referring to Christmas, it really isn't. It's referring to what I have started to feel lately. I realized the other day that my shoulders aren't as tight, I'm getting fewer and less intense headaches, I'm laughing more and smile at everyone I see, I'm not as uncomfortable in public as I used to be. I have true JOY!!! It's more than just happiness. It's the realization that maybe school was stressing me out WAAAAAAAY more than I thought it was. It's the realization that I have lived and still live an amazing life. It's the realization that life is what you make it and I want to make mine happy. I'm not stressed out because there's not school work waiting on my desk for me. I can read magazines all day and not feel guilty. I can take naps and not worry about it (it's like my body has years of sleep to catch up on). I can go birdwatching and not feel like my dissertation proposal is breathing down my neck. And so I did.

We have had beautiful weather so I went to look at birds. I've always wanted to become more knowledgeable about nature, especially birds, but felt I didn't have the time. Now I have the time. I went to a park with a beautiful pond and walked around. I identified 10 different birds, including one that only winters in Virginia, the American Coot, and the Great Egret, which is a beautiful bird. I almost picked up a turtle because I thought it was a really cool looking rock. I should have known it was a turtle; it was really big. I also saw a very small muskrat. There were lots of birds I couldn't identify but as I do this more, it will become easier. I loved it. It felt so good to be outside doing something fun.

I was able to speak to Wes three times this week. We didn't really talk about anything important (except for sex, and when your man is going to be gone for 6 months, sex is important). He won't be able to call again until later this week. I miss him so much and it was so nice to hear his voice. This is a hard time of year to be alone, especially when you actually have someone. I felt very lonely at church this morning. Christmas is my favorite time of year and I wish he were here. I am excited because I get to take his kids to meet my family and spend Christmas there. And then Wes's dad will take the kids to see family, while I go to Colorado to see more of my family. And then I'm spending another week in Texas. Hey, I know that's a long time, but my husband's gone and I don't have a job yet. And it's Christmas. I want to spend it with people I love. Don't you?

The phone is a wonderful invention

I got to talk to my husband yesterday. It was wonderful. What did we talk about? Some serious stuff (like what I decided to do with my life for now), some stupid stuff(video games) and a lot of "I miss you and I love yous". They will actually be in port a lot which means I will be able to talk to him fairly often. Between that and e-mail, I have it made. My dad's dad was in the navy and my dad was telling me that when they used to go out, there was no e-mail and long distance calls were so expensive that they could only talk for 3 minutes. Thank god for technology! We can even e-mail pictures (although not the ones he wants; like I want the whole Navy to see THAT). So I am happy. And, Wes is where he used to be stationed and he forgot how much he loves it there. He thinks I would love it there too. And his ex is from there and said that maybe if we got stationed there we could have the kids so they could learn the language better and see their grandparents more. I would like that. Who wouldn't want to live in the country shaped like a boot!?!

Other than that, just finishing up Christmas shopping, cleaning, reading and doing stuff I haven't been able to enjoy for a long time. I'm learning to enjoy life again. Maybe having to leave the program wasn't such a bad thing. Maybe it was a good thing in disguise. We'll have to see. I hope everyone else is as excited about Christmas as I am this year (I get the kids, even though Wes isn't here, and they'll meet my family for the first time).

Napless

Today I did not take a nap!!! This is the first day I haven't taken a nap since Wes left. I feel really, really good. I'm still coughing a bit and I think I might pull out my humidifier because the air is so dry from the heat. I think I've finally kicked this thing. But I'm not going to jinx it by saying anything about feeling any sort of alive.

Today I had lunch with friends. We had a great time but sadly my friend Stephanie is leaving soon. I told her I'd come help her clean and whatever else she needs. Once she's gone, I'm pretty much on my own. The other woman we had lunch with, I really like her, but she is the captain's wife and she has a job and three kids. She also lives out in the middle of nowhere. Time to make some more friends.

Tonight I finally tackled my desk. I mailed all my library books back to UW last week (21 books), but I still had all my notes and articles and stuff concerning my dissertation proposal and I just wasn't ready to deal with it before now. I went through all the articles and put many in the recycle bin. Things like chapters from books without the author or title, double articles (I had a lot of those) and I think I found 5 different copies of my typed notes in various folders. And if I'm not doing history anymore, I definitely don't need all those women's history articles. I didn't even like those the first time around. Now one whole shelf above my desk is empty and I got rid of so much stuff I have the bottom shelf of the bookcase in the office. I think I'll be able to pull in a whole box out of the garage. I also dusted and organized and now it doesn't look that bad. I didn't feel sad getting rid of all that stuff but I didn't feel happy either. I just felt kind of indifferent.

I guess since I dusted I stirred up dust. I'm sneezing a lot. But I'm not sick anymore. NO I'M NOT!!!

It's ok. . . .life is just temporary

I've been really sick. Really, really sick. Barely climb out of bed to get some medicine sick (although it didn't seem to affect my appetite any and so I have not (sadly) lost any weight). Monday I went out for lunch with a friend because I finally felt ok. But I took a nap before and after. Tuesday, I almost felt fully ALIVE!!! Which was wonderful because I had not done any Christmas shopping for the kids. Yesterday, I was at that Toy store even before it opened. I ran through looking at all the stuff the kids wanted to decide what I wanted to get them. Then I ran home and spent an hour on-line ordering it, or something similar when that particular item wasn't available on-line. Then I ate lunch and made peanut butter cookies. And I ate a lot of peanut butter cookies. Those were the best peanut butter cookies ever. After lunch I did some more running around to get a gift for a woman on my husband's side of the family whom I have never met. (him: just take a gift for a woman. They do that elephant game. me: what type of gift. him: you know, for a woman. You're a woman, what do you want. me: a more helpful husband) Then back home to look on-line for the one gift that doesn't seem to be anywhere. Only to find it isn't anywhere. It is completely sold out everywhere. So now Allison is not getting a digital camera. She is getting a 12 dancing princesses dream castle (or something like that). Then I watched TV and played computer games. It was a great day. Why? Because I felt almost fully ALIVE!!!

Today, today my body is reminding me that after spending almost an entire week in bed, I cannot just get up and act like I am almost fully ALIVE!!! Thus, today I've spent most of the day in bed. Although I did have some peanut butter cookies. Those cookies sure are good.

MRI saga

today I had my MRI. A number of things went wrong.

The exit I was supposed to take was under construction and closed. The exit the signs said to take were not marked with detour signs after exiting. I finally figured it out, but I was about 15 minutes late.

Signing in and filling out paperwork was easy. But then they told me to take out my earrings. I had managed to get out 7 of my earrings, but I couldn't get out the one right next to my head in my lobe and my cartilage. The nurse helped me get out the ones in my lobes but we couldn't figure out how to get the other ones out. The doctor told me to come back at 8:00pm tonight after I had gotten them out. I went out to my car and was about to leave when the nurse came running out telling me they had found wire cutters. So she cut out my other pair of earrings. I feel so naked without my earrings, they have never been out. I then went back out to my car to leave and the nurse came running out again. She commented that she needed to lose weight. I hope she did because she was so nice. The person who was supposed to go after me hadn't shown up yet, so they would do me then.

For the MRI they put they put this cage thing over my head. I felt like Hannibal Lector. You're not supposed to move at all. It was like some weird science fiction ride at Busch gardens or something. They give you ear plugs too. The machine made some of the weirdest noises I've ever heard. And it vibrated a lot too. I just tried to pretend on was on a ride to keep from moving. Finally it was finished, only it wasn't. They had to insert some liquid into my veins and then do the whole thing all over again. But it wasn't that bad and I didn't cough at all. I have been coughing all afternoon though. I hope it doesn't last long.

It's all good

My finger is recovering nicely. At first we thought the dangling flap of skin would fall off (it's about the size of a tic tac) but now it looks like it has re-adhered itself. It still hurts if I touch it too hard, but for the most part, it is usable.

We had the kids for thanksgiving and we had ham. No one likes turkey enough for me to have 17lbs of left-overs. So now I only have 7lbs of left-over ham. I made photo-albums for the kids and they really liked them. They wanted to know why there were only two pictures of me. That would be because I'm the one taking all the pictures. But it made me happy that they wanted more pictures of me. They also promised to come visit me when Wes is gone. His ex is cool and said I could come visit them any weekend I wanted and stay there. I'll also get to have them here. I get them for Christmas too and my parents are very excited that there will be kids for Christmas. I'm excited too, although nervous about flying with kids, especially since they're not mine and we have different last names.

Allison also asked for a little sister. Apparently she had asked her mom and her mom told her she was old (she's 4 or 5 years older than me) and to ask me. Thanks. Even though I'm not in school anymore I still haven't been bit by the kid bug. We'll discuss it when Wes gets back.

Now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll start with some serious cleaning and organizing. And relaxing and reading. I'm fighting a cold too, causing me to break out the vitamin C. I'm getting together with a friend tomorrow for dinner and a movie. Right now, all things considered, it's all good.

Do Not Try This At Home

or anywhere else either.


This would be the incorrect way to use a food processor. No, I did not put my finger in it when it was on. Regardless of how stupid my advisor thinks I am, I'm not that dumb. But, I did reach in there to remove a piece of jammed onion without removing the blade first. That was pretty stupid. And painful. And I'm really impressed with how well I type without my right index finger.

Quick update. The kids are here for the week: so far, so good. Wes will be gone by the end of the month. I had my neurologist appointment. He thinks I'm just having migraines from stress (stress, what stress) and gave me samples of an anti-depressant/anxiety drug. I can't wait until they kick in. I'm also having an MRI next week, just to make sure there's not anything else wrong. No one has called about a job yet, but that's ok. I finished a Smithsonian magazine. It was from April 2004 so I'm farther behind than I thought.

Thanks to everyone for the e-mails and calls of support. It's meant a lot to me to know that so many people care about me and don't think I'm stupid or a quitter. I have been thinking about my next move, but my husband (probably wisely) suggested I just enjoy this time for awhile before thinking about going back to school (yes, I can't stay away).

I truly have much to be thankful for. I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving.

Just guess

Guess whose husband is leaving next week and will be gone for six months?
I know this one!!! That would be MY husband!!!
Guess who is no longer a UW doctoral student?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Guess who has to get up at 5:00am on Friday to get a Will made, in case her husband is killed while he's gone for six months?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Guess who is going to the neurologist next week to find out why she's having headaches in which the left side of her face goes numb, she loses vision in her left eye, and sometimes it feels like there's railroad stakes going through her left eye through the back of her head (like right now)?
I know this one too!!! It's me!!!
Guess who, at age 32, just got kick dropped by a bitch of an advisor and now, after 12 years in college, doesn't know what she's going to do with her life?
That one's easy! It's me again!!!

Wasn't that a fun game!!! Only it's not a game; it's my life.
I'm trying to stay positive about all of this, but it's really hard sometimes. It's hard to know that within the last 10 months I've gotten married, moved across the country, become a step-mom, lost my life dream and now my husband's leaving for six months and the only two people I consider friends in VA are also leaving. All my friends have been very great and supportive throughout this whole ordeal that has become my life. I'm very thankful for that and for my friends. But in some ways, this is still something I have to do by myself.

Things I can now do that I never had time to do when in graduate school:
Catch up on my Smithsonian subscription. I am currently 2 years behind in my magazine reading. Now I know that "normal" people would just throw them out, but the fact that I spent 12 years in college should have already proven that I am not normal.
Read lots and lots of novels. And not feel guilty about it.
Strangely, I want to read history books. But not about Russia. I know very little about the rest of the world. I think I'll just start checking out general history books at the library. I think that would be fun.
I can cook!!! If you have read this blog for any amount of time you know that I often complain about not having time to cook. I now have time to cook.
Learn more about finance. My husband is really interested in stock, options, and futures. I should learn about them to keep him from losing all our money (just kidding. He wouldn't lose ALL of it).
I would love to learn more about bird watching and photography. I know this area has clubs for both and with my free time (since my husband will be gone) maybe I can do that and meet people.
Try to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I sent out two job applications yesterday. They were for community colleges. Today I think I am going to look into substitute teaching at highschools. I think teaching highschool (not subbing, but being a teacher) might actually pay more and offer more benefits than community colleges. And who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it.
Spend more time with my plants and learn about them. I'm not even sure what some of them are.
Learn to play piano again.
I guess this list is long enough for now.

Today I have a ton of stuff to do and I don't want to do any of it. I really just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day. But, this is the last day my husband works before he leaves, and I'm putting together a photo album for him from the kids. I guess I should do that today, because I really don't think he knows. I'm also making ones for the kids. And the house is a mess. Sometimes, it doesn't really matter though. Hope everyone has more direction than I do.

As promised

Pictures of Washington DC

These are the flowers that Wes ordered for me.

You should know what this is.

The only picture of us together.

The view from our hotel room.

This was one of the cool flowers at the botanical gardens.

I'll post more later.

The interruption of my life schedule

I finally spoke to my advisor today. After telling me for 30 minutes that I can't write, she basically told me to quit. She tried putting a nice spin on it: "Stacy, you're such a good teacher and positions at the Ph.D level are so competitive anyway that you'll probably end of teaching someplace you don't need a Ph.D." Yes, I'm upset that she thinks it will take forever for me to write a dissertation. Yes, I'm upset that she thinks my dissertation will not be good enough to get a job at a "real" university or college. But, part of being a "grown up" (which I became when I re-married and gained step-children) is figuring out when things just aren't going to work out the way you want them to and letting go gracefully. I'm not saying that I'm just going to quit; I'm saying I really do need to think about the situation. It's not just me anymore. I can put "life" on hold for myself and it doesn't hurt anyone. Putting "life" on hold for my family is a different story. We want more kids and a house and while I'm playing student those things aren't really attainable. And I'm tired of being a student. I'm tired of feeling like life is passing me by. I'm tired of being tired all the time and of having constant headaches. I want to read a book for fun. I want to relearn how to play the piano. I want to become more active in my community. I want to learn about more than just Russian history and right now I don't feel like I have time for any of it. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever consider going back for my Ph.D. I'm just saying that maybe right now it's not the right time. Maybe it's time for something completely different that I never planned for.

Stupid computer

I have a ton of pictures, but for some reason, my computer refuses to accept them from my camera (like they're a crappy gift or something). So I'll just write about the parts of the weekend I don't have pictures for and then post the pictures after my husband fixes this for me.

We had a wonderful weekend. We travel very well together and have very similar interests (except for him dragging me to the postal museum because he collects stamps and they had on display the only two known stamps of this one printing. And that museum was way far away and we walked it after walking all day. We pretty much limped to the hotel after that). We also managed to get to a ton of stuff. And somehow, we only managed to get one picture of us together the entire weekend. We even dressed up to go to the Kennedy Center and we didn't get a picture of that. We're pathetic.

On Friday we started with the Holocaust museum because we knew it would be depressing and we didn't want to end with it. Wes really doesn't know that much about the Holocaust (only what they taught in highschool) so he found it very interesting and very sad. We then went to the Freer museum which was Asian art. After that, the Natural History museum to see the Hope Diamond (and other jewelry that Wes promises to buy me) and the insect exhibit. After that, we walked all the way to the postal museum. And then back. We then enjoyed a very good meal with a bottle of wine and dessert. Hey, we were on vacation and we walked a lot.

Saturday we slept in a bit. Then we went to the Smithsonian sculpture garden where we took a ton of pictures (and got the only one of us). Then we went to the US National Art Gallery (or something like that) and went through their sculpture garden. The Smithsonian's was better. We went to the Art Gallery and walked through more than half a wing and got tired (and hungry). After we ate we went to the Botanical Garden (where we took a ton more pictures). The Botanical garden was really cool, but they didn't have a gift shop or anything, which was a bit weird.

That night we went to the Kennedy Center. Wes and I met in highschool band, so we both enjoy classical music. We saw the National Symphony Orchestra, directed by Leonard Slatkin. They played two short works (Wagner and Bruch) and two longer works (Mozart and Beethoven). We splurged and bought expensive tickets so we were in row K, dead center. There were three rows of "box" seats on the stage, directly facing the audience. I commented that I wouldn't want those seats because 1) the sound would be distorted, 2) everyone could watch you. After the first three works was intermission. It was freezing in the concert hall, so I thought it a bit strange that the woman sitting dead center, first row in the "box" seats on the stage had removed her jacket and was wearing a sleeveless shirt and was still fanning herself with her program. The final performance was Beethoven's Symphony No. 2 in D major. There were four movements played. During the third movement, the woman's companions began fanning her vigorously as she began slumping in her seat. Finally, they tried to get her out, but she was in the front row (directly over the stage with a very short "wall,") and she looked like she had passed out, so this was difficult. During this time the break between the third and the final movement occurred and the director waited for these people to leave. After several minutes, he turned to the audience and asked "Is there a doctor in the house?" When the audience began to laugh he said "no, seriously, I think that lady needs a doctor." About 10 minutes later the movement was finished and as we were leaving an ambulance pulled up. We never found out what was wrong with her.

Sunday we visited the Smithsonian modern art museum and part of the Air and Space museum (most notably the food court and the gift shop). Then we went home. All in all, a much-needed wonderful weekend. As of now, I still have not heard from my advisor, which is starting to worry me. I'm trying not to think about it while cleaning my house and preparing my grant application. I'll post pictures as soon as the computer is fixed. Hope you all had as good a weekend as I did.

Happy, happy, joy, joy

No, I haven't heard from my advisor yet (actually, I haven't checked my e-mail yet because I didn't want to ruin my good mood yet). But, my husband came home yesterday, 10 days early. And. . . he has a three day weekend!!! We're going to Washington DC!!! I just booked the hotel (right on the river, less than 2 blocks from the Smithsonian). I'm just so excited I can't sit still. I'm going to go shopping for a dress to have dinner in (no, I actually don't own any non-summery nice dresses). I have only been to DC once in my life, and I was 15 years old. I can't wait! I'm excited! Even if I get bad comments back from my advisor, I don't really care right now.

Inspiration

Camille wanted to know why I consider Lenin motivational. I'm going to answer this question in a very long, round-about way, and I may never actually answer the question. I hate it when people ask me why I study history (even though I do it to others). It's like asking someone why their favorite color is blue instead of green. It just is and I just do. Even though I constantly bitch about what I do, I love it and can't imagine doing anything else. I'm lucky. I'm in a position where I know what I want to do and I can do it. There are certain things we will never know about history, no matter how much research is done. Example: how did Hitler manage to kill 2/3 of Europe's Jewish population? And no, I don't mean the mechanism: we know that. What I mean is: how did he come to the conclusion that beyond just "regular" anti-semitism it made perfect sense to actually try to exterminate a population? How did he manage to gain popularity and finally convince the rest of Europe that it was no big deal? There are hundreds, if not thousands, of books about this. None of them will ever be able to adequately answer the question. Also, it's pretty clear that there are evil people in history. Hitler and Stalin and Mao and Pol Pot instantly come to mind (in addition to those dictators in Africa). But Lenin, he's in a gray area. He was brilliant. And he believed Marxism. Yet he was pragmatic. But was he power hungry? Did he really think Russia would reach communism and lead to world revolution? Would history have been different if Lenin had lived? We will never know. He gave such hope to people. Hope that their lives would be different than their parents and grandparents. Hope that their children would be educated and have living wages. Hope that the future would be heaven on earth. And yet, Stalin happened. How, why? And, would Lenin have actually been any different? So maybe it's not Lenin himself that inspires me as the hope he gave to people. And he had to grace to die before the worse parts of socialism could be attached to his name. He is a mystery in a way the evil of Stalin or Hitler is not a mystery. That's why he fascinates me. Because we will never really ever know.

Sometimes I hate this blog. I've been trying to post pictures for 2 days, but it's not working. Sucks. Maybe I shouldn't even blog. Frustrating. I don't know what the problem is. Finally, I got one picture to post. About time. Anyway, I just e-mailed my advisor a copy of my dissertation proposal. I'm really nervous about that and I hope she likes it: but I doubt it. I miss sharing an office with my friends, so after an event like this, we can sit around and they would make me feel better. And we would laugh. I miss laughing with Tiffany and Nadia and taking walks down State street with Holly. I miss Madison.

I do have a new friend, Stephanie, but she's leaving at the end of November until the guys return in May. That sucks too. I did talk to the captain's wife about crazy Dee. She said I should try to talk to Dee when she's not drunk and just tell her that I was very uncomfortable with her behavior. Then, when I have to get rude the next time I see her because she'll still be insane, I won't feel bad, because I would have already tried to talk to her in a calm and rational manner. Fun times. But please, how many adults physically grab another adult and demand to know "why don't you like me?" Crazy.

Crazy Dee

She's baaaaaaaaack! Yesterday one of the three Stephanies decided to have brunch at her house for the officers' wives. I really like Stephanie (and the other Stephanie) but they're both leaving in December for various reasons and that kind of sucks. Stephanie had already asked me and the other Stephanie to stay after everyone was gone to just hang out. I showed up right on time and start helping with stuff because she has got a spread going. Her place is also beautiful and I'm jealous, but that's something all together different (think place with character, not cookie-cutter). Anyway, Dee shows up about a half hour later and promptly starts drinking. I had taken a 1.75L bottle of vodka over for bloody marys. I took a shot right away (I needed it) and then used a cup for the drinks. That was it (remember this point in a moment).

Anyway, the brunch started out very well and everyone had a great time. There was a screened in porch that was just so relaxing to sit in and talk. But someone kept interrupting and talking and being, quite frankly, rude. Stephanie finally left because she couldn't take it anymore. The other Stephanie, who couldn't leave, was clearing annoyed and ready for "everyone" to leave, because when the other Stephanie left, it was just me, her and Dee. I acted like I was going to leave too, hoping that would encourage Dee to leave. Stephanie even said, oh, it's too bad everyone has to leave, it was such a nice party. It was also three in the afternoon. Dee looks right at Stephanie and says, Don't worry, I'm not leaving. Since she wasn't leaving, I stayed too. About 20 minutes later, Stephanie flat out stated she had a headache and she needed to put her baby down for a nap. Dee stayed another 25 minutes. And it gets worse.

Thinking about this now, it was bad, but still, what were we to do? Dee got right into my face and blocked my path from leaving (I was pretending to go). She demanded to know why I didn't like her and why I couldn't come to her house right now to hang out with her and get drunk. She reeked. Later I looked at the bottle of vodka, and it was half gone. She even grabbed me though. And when I tried to explain that I have stuff to do, like a dissertation proposal, she blew it off like I was making it up. She then went on to tell me how much she respects me and what I'm doing before she began trivializing everything I said I needed to do. I finally made it out to my car, only to have her get between me and the car (after my car door was open) and do the whole thing again. I had to promise to call her this week so we can get together next weekend. She finally left after that. I got in my car, drove around the block and then hung out for another couple of hours. But I did go to bed really, really early, even for me, because she drained me so much emotionally.

What do I do? She seems to really like me. But she has to be better, richer, prettier, smarter, busier and have had a harder life, than every one else. And she trivializes everything everyone says. She scares me. Do I call the captain's wife and talk to her about it? I know Dee is drinking and driving (that's the bad part I was talking about) but she scares me so badly I didn't know how to address the situation (I also hadn't really thought of it until after she was gone, because I was trying to get away). I will have to see her again. She had asked me if I like her and I told her she was very overbearing for me. She went into a rant about that's who she is and she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, only it's very clear that she very much cares what other people think of her. I'm afraid I'm going to blow up and tell her off. She's one of those people who can't take a hint and gets offended when you say it straight. I do not like this situation at all.

But, I had a great time with Stephanie and I am getting together with her again this week. She has an english degree and she loves history (and her husband is Russian, real Russian, like only lived here since he was 18), so she's agreed to go over my dissertation proposal with me. And my husband said he will try to e-mail me everyday so I don't feel bad. So, that's about it. Any advise?

Lenin's ghost

I need to start by saying a gigantic thank you to some truly remarkable giving people. I don't think I could have gotten through this time without Camille and Sarah. Thank you guys so much for all the help and understanding you've given me.

This is my 350th blog.

Observation about this area of Virginia. This area has 6 military bases (maybe more). I've discovered there are two type of guy haircuts: military and mullet. Someone please explain this to me. Please. I saw a guy the other day with feathering that would have put Charlie's Angels to shame. And he was wearing a muscle shirt. I felt like buying him a calendar so he could see that it was 2006.

I finally heard from my husband. He wanted to let me know he was ok, so not to worry. I wasn't worried: I was pissed. But he said he hasn't even had time to check e-mail. Um-hm. He's going to have to work on that.

I am inspired, motivated, excited about finishing my dissertation proposal. Not really, but I'm trying to get that way. Here is something that truly inspires me.

I'm frustrated

with school, with my husband, I guess just with life. Every time I feel like I've taken a step forward I end up going five steps backwards. I don't know if I can do this dissertation thing. I don't know if I can do this marriage thing. I just don't know what I was cut out to do.

Sean doesn't get what I'm writing my dissertation about. Total frustration because I thought the whole thing was getting more clear, not more confusing. I'm mad because I can't articulate myself the way I would like. I'm mad because I don't understand "simple" things like historiography. I'm mad because my advisor is not doing her job. And I'm mad because if I were in Madison, this would be done by now.

I still haven't heard from my husband, but other navy wives have heard from theirs. I feel like e-mailing him and telling him there is a reason his last wife cheated on him. It's because she felt deserted. I feel deserted physically and emotionally. How hard is it to just hit reply and say "I'm really busy, but I miss you a lot and I love you." Really, how hard could it be?

One day down

Today I cleaned 2.5 bathrooms (and found a half empty Dr. pepper can in the guest bathroom) and I washed the guest bedroom sheets. So at least I feel slightly more clean and organized. I also went to the gym and swam. I revamped this page too, and instead of just transferring all my stuff, it erased all my links. So if you noticed that your link was missing, or not working correctly, I apologize. I think that maybe they're all fixed now. At least I hope so.

Today I feel like I got a lot done, but yet when I look at it, I didn't get that much done. I reorganized the dissertation proposal and I rewrote the introduction. The introduction is a little over 2 pages. It took me two and a half hours to write. Hopefully I can re-use the majority of my proposal without rewriting the entire thing. Since I rewrote the introduction and the outline, I'm hoping the thing will practically write itself. (yeah, whatever.) I do feel more focused though, and that's important.

I still haven't received an e-mail from my husband yet. Now, this could be because the system on his ship is crappy. It's bad enough that he's going to be (eventually) gone for six months, but then not knowing when I'll be able to hear from him makes it worse. Although, I have to admit, that today, I kept thinking, "school stuff was so much easier before I was married. The library was right there, my friends were right there, and my advisor was there." I do miss my husband, but life is so much more complicated being married. I could do without the long visits from the in-laws. It's just too stressful, especially when the father in law is obviously from the generation where men sat on their asses and women did all the work. I've slept so good the past couple of nights. Although I'm still stressed out, it's a dealable stress, a normal stress. Sometimes I just wonder if I was cut out to be in relationships.

Smell that?

Yesterday I went to William and Mary university (college? I don't remember which), in Williamsburg. I want to work there. It is beautiful, well designed and planned and gorgeous. Unlike some campuses (cough, UW, cough), this one had obviously been planned even when it grew. All the buildings were made of the same type of material, (red or orange brick), same style (elegant) and I'm sure none of them were rumored to have been designed for Florida instead of WI weather (humanities), that the building was accidentally built upside down (humanities) or that the building was so hideous the architect commit suicide (humanities). (Yes, I was in the humanities building, by far the ugliest and most poorly designed building I have ever spent time in.) The campus felt peaceful and comforting. And it smelled like Christmas trees. It was just amazing. And the surrounding community was also beautiful. The library, likewise, had a huge computer area. Every individual area had enough space for at least two computers next to it, but the school decided not to crowd the students. And, (this is amazing to me) there were stacks of toilet paper and papertowels in the bathroom, but no one had stolen them!!! (yes, I thought about shoving a few toilet paper roles into my bag: graduate student habits die hard.) It was wonderful. I loved it.

Now, I have an empty (still filthy) house, but I have to calm down enough to figure out the best way to finish my to do list. Wes is getting back on Nov. 10th. The house needs to be majorly cleaned. I want to have my advisor approve (or at least say I will be able to finish by the end of the semester) my dissertation proposal. The main grant proposal is due on Nov. 15th. And of course, getting holiday plans and plane tickets and shopping and bills and all that other stuff. Thanks to Sarah and Sean I'm pretty sure I can get the dissertation proposal done. But it is hard work and sometimes is a little paralyzing. And I need to get back into a routine again, now that everyone is gone. That includes cleaning on a regular basis and exercise more often. I think that's about it.

It got cold last night. Really cold. I had to turn on the heater. That sucks. But, if I were in Wisconsin, I would have had to turn the heat on a lot sooner. So I guess life isn't all that bad. Well, I should get started on some reading that Sean suggested. A student's work is never done.

I'm alooooooone!!!!!!!

I can sleep with my door open again and walk around naked if I want. I can sleep in late or go to bed early. I can eat when I want and what I want. I can shower for 45 minutes and take all the hot water. If I need to go to the library (like today) I can be gone until 9:00pm and not worry about cooking dinner for anyone. I can sweep the kitchen and not have to worry that when someone comes in from smoking they won't wipe their shoes. I can quit pulling cans out of the trash to transfer to the recycle bag (right next to the trash). Basically, I have the entire house to myself. The entire, absolutely filthy, house. It will take me all week to clean it. If I were actually going to clean it. I have stuff to do people. Lots and lots of important stuff that needs to be done NOW!!!

It's not that I wasn't glad that Wes's dad could visit before he left, it's just that he was here for a long time and I have a lot of deadlines for school right now. Wes kept saying, don't worry about dad, he doesn't care if you do homework and then everynight told me I wasn't spending enough time with him. I think my school work lost an average of 3 to 4 hours A DAY (add that up for an entire week) which really cost me a lot of work. In addition, my husband is not always the brightest of fellows, and so, when they returned from playing golf with the kids on Saturday, me staying home for those two hours to do laundry and clean, I did not appreciate that pretty much the first thing out of his mouth was that I needed to quit riding the kids and everyone thought I was an evil step-mom. EXCUSE ME?!? Apparently his dad didn't like the fact that during an hour and a half monopoly game I asked the kids a total of four times not to fold the money in half. And Victor was upset because that morning, after he had asked the same question five times in five minutes and had gotten the same negative answer AND he had tried to bang the door into his dad five times, I told him to go to his room and stay there until told. But for some reason Wes thought this had to be brought up because I was upsetting everyone. Then he got upset because I started to cry and told him I wasn't leaving the room until everyone left, if that was the way they all felt. Would he have been happier if I had said "Screw everyone, I am a bitch, get used to it?" He admitted later that it was stupid on his part to have brought it up that way, especially since he had defended me to his dad and Victor. He better have. And it was stupid of him to bring it up. (It also made me mad because Wes's dad had yelled at the kids in the car because he thought they were being too loud but they were only talking AND he told Victor several times to be careful with his legos so he wouldn't lose any pieces. How is that different than asking the kids to treat a game with respect?) So, I'm glad the weekend is over and everyone is gone. Well, I wish Wes was still here. He's gone for three weeks too and I miss him.

I wish Sarah were my advisor. I sent her a copy of my proposal and she wrote back promptly (which I'm still trying to figure out since she had been on a plane to go half way around the world). Not only promptly but she gave me good, solid advise (not, I don't like it, do it again). And she was encouraging. I actually feel really good about the whole thing, because I hadn't had any imput in such a long time I lost focus and she really helped me get back on track. And, this is funny, she pointed out several things that really didn't need to be in my proposal, things I didn't think needed to be there either. Only, my advisor wants them there. I think I'm going to write two drafts. One organized how my advisor suggested and the one suggested by Sarah. We'll see which one my advisor actually chooses.

Well, I really need to get going. I slept 10 hours last night (which was nice since I've had insomnia for more than week, averaging less than 5 hours of sleep a night) and I have a house to clean (it will wait) and a library to get to (doing that today). Hope everyone is doing well.

Dear Creepy Fat Gym Guy,

I would like to start by pointing out that I am a grown, adult, mature woman. I am not 6 or 9 or 14 or even 18. Therefore, while I was swimming approximately three times as fast as you, I was not impressed with your pathetic doggy style swimming where you had to stand up every three feet to breathe and then looked to see if I were watching you. If you had been one of my children, I would have clapped, but, you are not. I do not appreciate that, after only swimming three laps, you got into the jacuzzi and watched me swim for a while. And then went to the locker room for about 5 minutes, I'm praying to go to the bathroom, and then came back out. I really do not appreciate the fact that you then dove into the pool, even though there are multiple DO NOT DIVE signs posted. The splash did not impress me. And I do not know what you were thinking when you asked me if I wanted to race. We both already knew I could outswim you. Thankfully, when I said no, you went away.

However, you decided that when I was having a discussion with another grown up about a possible teaching position open at a real university in the area, which she was encouraging me to apply for, that you ran up to talk about teaching. I'm sorry your "friend" is such a crappy teacher that he may be fired and that he is apparently too stupid to figure out how to handle the situation. As the woman pointed out after you left, since there is teaching shortage, your "friend" must be the world's worst teacher anyway.

I REALLY do not appreciate that you were sitting in your truck when I left the gym and that you began to follow me. That kind of freaked me out. I do, however, appreciate the fact that when you realized I knew you were following me, that you did an illegal turn to no longer follow me. That was a smart move.

In conclusion, dear creepy fat gym guy, if you ever see me again, it would be in your best interest to ignore me since my husband, who works with weapons all day long, did not appreciate your attention towards me either.

Sincerely,
Stacia

Fall festival (now with goats!)

Since it was Victor's birthday this weekend, we went to the Fall Festival (ok, we probably would've gone even if it wasn't his birthday, but it made him feel special)

They had a petting zoo, where we got to feed the animals.

They had goats, llamas (which were really soft) sheep, chickens and other stuff.

They also had rides. I didn't go on the ferris wheel because we didn't have enough tickets. Yeah, that's my excuse.

afterwards we came home and the kids played with the new toys. Which means legos. It was a great weekend. Now I'm tired and my father-in-law is here so I am trying to be a good hostess while still working on my dissertation proposal.

The good, the sad, the silly and the totally unrelated

Wes managed to get a chunk of time off in November, so we will be able to have the kids the week of Thanksgiving and the weekend before that. Wes is very happy about that.

My friend Rene lost her baby. She didn't even know it until they did another ultrasound and found no heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in four weeks. She said that it's kind of creepy that she had probably lost the baby three weeks prior and still thought she was pregnant. Her and her husband are doing ok, but upset. Hopefully when they get to try again it won't take very long for her to get pregnant again and everything will go smoothly.


This is the third one of these that has grown in our "yard" area. Every time we look at it, we giggle and laugh like the mature adults that we are. I'll let you draw your own conclusion as to why we giggle.

Tomorrow is Victor's ninth birthday. I'm picking the kids up today. The presents are already wrapped, but when am I supposed to bake the cake? Their mom lets them stay up, on school nights, until 10:00pm. They are in first and third grade and Wes and I can't figure out for the life of us why they're up that late. But the point is that I always go to bed at 10:00pm, so I don't think I'll be making the cake after they go to bed. Maybe tomorrow morning??? And, Wes's dad may be appearing sometimes this weekend as well. Our place is spotless and you can get into, and walk freely, around the office. It is amazing. So I guess things are going well.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Reality smashes in my head

Last night Wes and I sat down to look at the calendar to figure out when his days off in November are. He is currently here until October 23rd and then leaves until Nov. 10th. They were told they would be here for 20 days in Nov. with a total of 12 days off. But they're leaving on Nov. 27th (for six months). That's only 15 days. And, Wes, unlike the rest of the crew, who will have 12 days off, will only have 8 days off, none of them on the weekend. That's fine for us, but that means he won't be able to see his kids before he leaves. Needless to say, neither one of us is happy. We'll have the kids the next two weekends and Tuesday (today is a holiday so he is home) Wes will discuss this with his boss and try to fix it. It's Navy procedure to have a total of 30 days in port before leaving and 14 days off. That's not going to happen. They weren't supposed to leave until next July. But, he should be able to see his kids. This just blows. We were supposed to have our wedding ceremony and reception last Saturday, but he was at work all day (we also lost our deposit). I guess that was ok because it was raining anyway. It just really sank in that time is moving fast and he'll be leaving soon. We may only be able to see each other once during that 6 months (his dad and I are going to go see him). Welcome to marrying someone in the Navy.

Sometimes I feel sorry for God

And sometimes I wonder about God's sense of humor. I mean, if he is God, the only God, the absolutely most powerful and all-knowing being in the entire universe and all the others universes as well, are we really the best he could come up with? Look at us! We are pathetic, apathetic, violent, angry, depressed and self-centered, just to name a few unappealing qualities. We were created to want to be united with him, yet even those who most loudly proclaim to love him and follow him commit the most inhumane, horrendous crimes, both imaginable and unimaginable. Why would God want to have anything to do with us? We slander his name, his cause, his love and we're destroying his creation, the earth and each other as fast as we possibly can. I really hope we are the very rough prototype and he's still working out all the kinks. I hope he sent whoever came up with the ideas of humans to hell. I hope next time it works out better. I hope God doesn't get mad at me for criticizing him because I'm angry with my own faults, apathy and insecurities. I hope God isn't lonely. I hope he's still willing to work with us. I hope he hasn't given up. I hope he can help.

I should add, I don't think God has a gender. I'm just too lazy to type he/she.

La di da

Not much too exciting going on. Just life in general. The weekend was good. Wes bought me a plant because I hadn't been feeling good. We went to the Farmer's market on Saturday. That was nice. He had to work again on Sunday. I went to the doctor for my headaches and they referred me to a neurologist because they couldn't find anything wrong. So I'm waiting for insurance to approve that. Monday I felt great and so, I think I overdid it. Tuesday, I was tired, sore and drained. I took it easy. Today, not bad. Still have a halo around my left eye, but my head doesn't hurt that bad. We finally started cleaning out the "office". It would more correctly be termed "the room that all of Wes's stuff got thrown into." We would like it clean by the time he leaves for his "cruise." (Yeah, they call it a "cruise"; isn't that funny!) Overall, things are going pretty well.

Until I read the news. I try to stay updated on the news because I don't like to be ignorant. But this week's news really just make me want to curl up in fetal position and stay that way. What the hell is wrong with people? Are not enough of our children starving to death so we need to weed them out by lining them up against chalkboards and shooting them? It's a good thing both those men commit suicide because it makes me feel better to know they're already burning in hell. How can anyone do something like that to a child? It depresses me. It scares me. It makes me angry. Let's not even get started on the Republicans who keep trying to "meet" with underage children. Maybe I should just quit reading the news.

Run, don't walk

to your nearest bookstore or to amazon.com and buy this book;
Catfish and Mandala, by Andrew X. Pham. This is one of the most amazing books I have read in years. It is rich, beautiful, well written and haunting. I've had a hard time putting the book down, and I'm going to try to find other works by this author. This book tells the story of a Vietnamese boy, whose father fought with the Americans, who comes to America when he is 10 years old. He tells the difficult story of his past in Vietnam and of his family's future in America. As an adult, he decides to return to Vietnam to discover what, if anything, was left behind of him, his family and their identity. Pick up this book immediately. I guarantee you will not be able to put it down and you will recommend it to others.

Excuse me while my head explodes

I am a headache sufferer. Usually they are tension headaches, caused by the tension in my back and neck from reading and doing research. Occasionally I'll also have a sinus headache. Every now and then, I'll have a migraine. I actually saw a doctor about my tension headaches several years ago. She said I needed a weekly massage, but since I was a poor graduate student, that wasn't going to happen. Since I've moved to VA, my poor little head has exploded. Often I have a tension AND a sinus headache at the same time. The only time I've been to a doctor here, I asked her about allergy medication (to prevent those sinus headaches) because I had gotten the best known OTC allergy medication and it didn't work. She looked at me and said that was best on the market. Yeah, that's what she said (she also wasn't a doctor but a RN (I think that's right)). Since getting sick two weeks ago, I have had killer headaches everyday. I quit taking stuff for them because taking too much stuff can cause headaches. And now, I've had a migraine headache, with vision block in my left eye, for the past three days. Wes wants me to go to the doctor RIGHT NOW and DEMAND some sort of treatment. I hate taking medication though. So, what do I do? I read something on msn webmd about an herb I can take to prevent migraines, but now I can't find it. I should also add that every since I moved to VA my gums won't quit bleeding. Yes, I floss and brush. Ok, I floss at least once a week, but since moving here, usually three times a week. And I don't just mean bleeding near my teeth, I mean my gums are splitting from top to bottom. It's very painful. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. Meanwhile, I'm going to be going around my house and collecting the various pieces of my brain that went flying when it exploded.

Amazing weekend

Wes came home this weekend. We had a great weekend. We talked a lot and everything is all good. And look what we found on sale!!!

I have a new respect for strippers and hookers. Those things are really, really difficult to walk in. And they really hurt your feet. Thankfully the fishnet stockings worked just as well.

I also talked to Charley this weekend. He had called Wes and Wes was too chicken to call him back. But, since we have a mutual friend here, I felt like we should be the ones to tell Charley we were married, so our friend wasn't put in that awkward position. Charley took it pretty well. And he's engaged. To be married in 2009. Now, my personal opinion is that after the age of 25 any engagement over a year is just a ruse for someone who doesn't really want to be married but doesn't want to be alone either. Whatever.

Wes left again this morning and he'll be gone for a week. Today, besides sleeping in (after I drove him to the base at 6:00am), I went to the gym and I worked on my proposal for a couple of hours. I outlined one part of the proposal (out of 8). It took me 3 hours to outline it. It will probably be one page. But, it has helped me focus. I will jump back on full time tomorrow because I want to have a rough draft of this within two weeks.

Anyway, I hope everyone had as good a weekend as I did!!!

Feeling better

I am feeling better both physically (although my nose won't quit running) and emotionally. Yesterday I even made it to the gym. Today I'm sore, but I feel great. I've been thinking a lot (because when you're sick, what else are you going to do?) and I feel better about the whole situation. Yes, what my husband did was beyond stupid, but it's not marriage ending. I really had to think about it and realized that his ex wasn't that great of a wife. She cheated on him several times, she put down his efforts to further his education and his career and she ran up a lot of debt. These types of actions don't really make a man want to be a great husband either. His parents had a good marriage (his mom died 10 years ago of breast cancer related complications) but really, all he remembers is his mom trying to hold the family together after his younger brother commit suicide (Wes was 15: his brother 13). I am not excusing my husband's actions: we will talk about them. Instead of WWJD, he just needs to think WWSD (what would stacia do). However, receiving several e-mail from me where I called him a stupid dumbass probably didn't really incline him to want to discuss the situation with me. I need to work on that.

When he comes home, we will talk about what we expect from our spouses. And, I think we will again go over our goals, individual and couples (we did this at the beginning of the year). Maybe even do collages!!! (ok, he may not want to do that, but it would be fun!). That way he could maybe see his actions as a trade-off. If I spend $A then Stacia and I can't do B. Or, if I spend $A, Stacia will kill me (no, not really). Also, we have been really bad about doing stuff together and this is a great area with a TON of pretty cheap, cool stuff to do. I need to be more pro-active about this and get us out of the house more. There's a lot of different things we could do to make our connection stronger. My husband will have to discuss what happened, but in the end, this might actually make our bond stronger (or at least the choke collar I will put on him).

Thank you all for all the wonderful supporting comments and hugs everyone has sent my direction. Without all that, I really don't know what I would have done the last couple of days. You guys are great: I love you all!

Why???????

I am so confused and hurt and humiliated and pissed off. This thing with Wes is just eating at me. It's like he doesn't even know how a married person is supposed to act. I don't know if I have enough energy to teach him. I love him and I know he loves me but I'm foreseeing a lot of problems I didn't expect. And since he refuses to talk about them I don't know how they will ever be resolved. He only ever sent me that one e-mail about what happened. And he was in port (in a different state) and didn't even call me. I know it's because he doesn't want to talk about it. I think I'm going to suggest marriage counseling. I don't want this marriage to end, but I find myself planning on how I'll get out. I hate that feeling. And right now, I hate him for making me feel this way.

Sick girl

I'm sick. With all the other crap going on, I failed to mention that since Saturday, I have felt under the weather. On Sunday, as Camille was desperately trying to reach me, my butt was in bed, asleep until 1:30pm. Yesterday the day started well, but by the afternoon, I was in bed again. Today, couldn't even get out of bed. And I'm a morning person. I feel like I have medicine head, but I haven't taken any medicine. It's sinus and ear pressure. I'm dizzy, disoriented and confused. All with a giant headache and I'm unable to breath. What more could you ask for in life? Oh, I know! A phone call at 7:30am from your favorite stalker! Yes, the situation with Dee, even though I have told her straight up that I can only handle social situations in small doses, still calls everyday. When she called this morning, I told her not to call me before 9:00am. She's wants me to house-sit for her tomorrow while she's at work because she's having some work done on the house. I told her to call me back. I can't drive. There's no way I could drive that far. I'm afraid to tell her that though, because I'm afraid she would kidnap me and take me to her house to "take care" of me.

The best part of this, I know to expect much more sickness than normal this winter. When I moved to Madison I was sick almost constantly for the first two years. The doctor said it was because I had moved and I wasn't used to all the viruses and bacteria there. Since I've never even been on this side of the country before (and I had been born in MN, which isn't all that far from WI), I except to feel crappy a lot. Ahhhh!!! How nice!!! Hope everyone else is feeling much better than me.

Resolution

Wes has not said he was idiot. Or even that he shouldn't have done what he did. What he did do was apologize for what he did, and stated that because he didn't want to upset me, he wouldn't do it again. Now, I would like him to understand and agree with me, but actions are more important. Besides, keeping an e-mail argument alive is hard. And I don't want to be mad at him for the next week and a half until he gets home. Even if he were here, if he agrees to do what I ask, does it really matter if he agrees with why? This is definitely a lesson learned with age and time, as even a few years ago, I would have fought this to the death. But now, what does it matter: he's still doing what I want him to. And, since he was talking about trust anyway, I brought up the fact that I find it disrespectful that he still has all his ex-girlfriend's phone numbers programmed into his phone (we're talking a couple dozen: not one or two). He deleted them all for me. I explained that it wasn't that I thought he was going to cheat with them, but that I kind of felt like he was reminding me that he had things on the back burner in case things went bad with us. We will still have a long, in-depth conversation about appropriate behavior before he leaves for his 6 months over seas, but I don't think my husband will ever do something that stupid again.

Men are stupid

I've gotten a few e-mails from close friends who are worried about me. Thank you. The fact is that Wes is getting a $25,000 bonus check from the navy within the next 30 days. That will pay ALL of the debt I transferred to my credit cards, greatly reducing my stress. The rest will be paid off pretty quickly after that (and that's still in his name, so not as stressful). So thanks for your concern about that, but it is ok.

I sent Wes three very nasty e-mails last night. I got a frantic one from him this morning. After explaining that all the navy guys are family and he's always done that, he did admit it was probably stupid. He also wrote:
I feel really bad and I have a sick feeling in my
stomach to have you pissed off at me let alone using words like divorce.
This sucks that I cannot call you. I love you and there is no other
person in this entire world more important to me than you. Please do
not allow this to upset you. I can't help but think you are probably
letting you mind run wild about what I "might" being doing when you are
not around. Please, please, please remember that I love you and adore
you. You are my wife and are in my thoughts constantly. I really wish
I were home now. Please write back soon. I love you.

I didn't think he had gone to the strip club, but when I e-mailed him back, I reminded him that trust only stretches so far and doing stupid things doesn't really encourage it. I told him I felt like he was acting like he was single now that he was at sea, but he didn't get to choose when he was single and when he wasn't. I don't want to tell him what to do or who to hang out with, but right now, his decisions are looking pretty piss poor. Hopefully I don't have to come across as a control freak to get him to modify his behavior.

I am so angry

I am just shaking and furious and there's nothing I can do. I can't concentrate on anything. I just received an e-mail from my dumb-ass husband and sent him two very pissed off e-mails in return, one suggesting he might want to get a divorce lawyer. Now I know the real down-side of being a naval wife: e-mail fights. He has a ton of debt (more than $40,000) and I put it on my credit cards to get a lower interest rate. My parents also gave us a very large amount as a wedding present to be spent on a 'honeymoon'. My husband just informed me that he let some of the single guys borrow his debit card so they could go to a strip club. And they spent more than $700. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL???? He knows that one of my major sources of stress is money, and you're just going to "loan" out our debit card? I have bills I have to pay this week. They're at sea. I don't care if these morons can pay him back, he can't get to a bank to deposit the money until he gets back. And if I find out he's lying and he was at that club, well, that's where the divorce lawyer comes in. I'm so mad. I just don't get it. I told him that next time he does something like this, I'll have the card declared stolen and cancelled. Then he'll be screwed. On top of that, the stalker situation is getting worse: she's a drunk and we're wondering if she also pops pills. Life sucks right now.

I feel like I have a stalker

Yesterday I did not answer the phone when Dee called. I was on my way out the door to the gym and I knew if I answered, I wouldn't be able to go. I felt somewhat bad, but I do have a life and I have things I need to get done. This morning, my phone rang at 7:00am. Yes, you read that right. SEVEN AM. My alarm goes off at 7:15am. Not to mention, who in their right mind calls anyone at seven in the morning? That's my time and I don't want to share it with anyone. I don't even talk to my best friend or my mom everyday and who really has an interesting enough life to talk to someone everyday for an hour!?! Both my mom and Wes think I need to talk to her and give her boundaries. I think anyone who calls someone at seven in the morning wouldn't respect boundaries anyway, but maybe I should try. It is an awkward situation because our husbands work together. But I'm starting to feel like I'm being stalked and that I have to account for all my daily actions to this woman. Why??? Why should I have to feel that way? I'm a grown woman and she ain't my mama.

Strange complaint

After not having any friends since I moved here, I feel bad about making this complaint. On the other hand, anyone who knows me will understand. My new friend Dee is overwhelming. She calls every night and the calls end up being more than an hour long. Even if I say, several times, that I need to go, she continues the conversation. And she wants me to come over again this weekend, which is fine, but she wants me to spend the night again. And then hang out the next day. Look, I'm on a deadline and I really need to be at home working. I know it's the weekend, but I still have stuff I need to do. I want a friend, not a constant companion. I guess I'm just going to have to screen my calls.

I'm cleaning the garage. It's not all that exciting, but I never finished unpacking stuff when I moved. It's all in the garage. So I'm going through stuff, unpacking, repacking, moving stuff, getting together a gigantic garage sale pile. I want to have it all organized by the time Wes comes back. That would make him happy and then I can encourage him to unpack and organize all his boxes, which are somehow in the office rather than the garage. But I want to use the office and right now I can't even walk into the room.

That's about it here. I'm just plugging away at the proposal. Life is good.

Weekend turnaround

The weekend ended up being great. Dee called me and profusely apologized. She thought we had agreed to 3:00p (we hadn't, but like my mom said, now I know she's the type of person I call ahead for). I went back later in the evening and she also had a couple of other friends come over. We had a blast. We stayed up until 1:00am (very late for me) and talked, hung out and laughed. It was such a good time. And I may have a job. One of her friends has a little booth at the flea market and sells jewelry (beautiful, hand-made jewelry) and since she's dealing with some health issues, I might sit in for her when she needs it. Probably not a lot or high paying, but it'll get me out of the house and maybe get me a little money. So, the weekend ended up good. Now back to work on the proposal.

What the hell is wrong with people?

So I had plans to go over to my new "friend's" house today. She called last night and asked me if I wanted to come over then, but since I knew I would be there all day today, I declined. Then she confirmed once again that I would come over today. I said yes, in the afternoon. She had contractors and stuff coming over today, so she told me anytime, including the morning. I told her I needed some time to get some stuff done but I would be there in the afternoon. It's a 30 minute drive to her place and I'd never done it before. It was easy and I was relieved when I got there and spotted her car in the driveway. I rang the bell twice. No answer. So I knocked. That set the dog off, but again, no answer. I knew she had a big garden in the back, so I went to the fence to see if maybe she was out there. Didn't see anyone. Rang the bell again and knocked again. Nothing. So I got in my car and left. I saw the curtains move, but that could have been the dog. I called her on my way home but got the answering machine and so far, no calls back. What the hell!!! Now I know I didn't call her before I left, but when someone tells me they'll be home all day and to just come over whenever, I take them at their word. I don't know what to think now.

Life just keeps getting better

Yesterday I started working on my dissertation proposal again. I think I did almost 5 hours (ok, really probably only 4) of studying. Not bad for ignoring it for several weeks. I also went to the gym yesterday. Now, I want to take a nap. Such is life. But my advisor e-mailed me yesterday and wanted to know how much progress I had made. Um, none? So I will keep working at it.

Last night another naval wife, Dee, and myself went to a military wives support group at her church. She had never been before, so before we went in, she handed me a piece of gum and said if it was bad, opening the gum was our signal. HAhaha!!! How bad could it be? Well, within five minutes Dee was looking for that gum. There were 4 people there who were regulars and Dee and I did most of the talking. I get the impression that if we hadn't of been there, they just would have stared at each other the entire time. But the topic of the night was temptation. We talked about it for 5 whole minutes. Afterwards, we went out for dinner. That was a blast. We laughed so much. And our waiter was soooooo cute. Totally my type of guy if I wasn't married (and much younger). He has long hair, which I love. Yes, it's a little weird that I love guys with long hair and then married someone in the military (who looks like a Q-tip if his hair gets too long), but I guess there are trade-offs in a relationship. This guy's personality was great. I told Dee that it was a good thing that we had talked about temptation. She cracked up about that. Anyway, it was a great night, I really like her and we're getting together again this weekend. I think I made a new friend!!!

And, as if my first real friend in Virginia Beach wasn't enough, I received an e-mail from a long-lost friend. I am so excited about this because I really loved this girl and was afraid she was gone for good. I'm so glad she found me.

I hope the week just gets better. But now I have to decide: gym or nap?

This weekend we went to

We expected there to be a lot of people, but apparently Ernesto scared them away. Too bad for them because the weather was beautiful. But we did enjoy the almost non-existent lines.

The kids were fascinated by the roller coasters. We even rode a few a couple of times. But not the one they're watching: they were both too short. I was surprised Victor would ride the coasters at all: he doesn't even like to swing high at the park. But, he went on the Loch Ness Monster ride twice.

It did get a little hot in the afternoon. Nothing a little water ride couldn't take care of. Wes didn't want to get wet. Chicken!

We had to relax after lunch: we didn't want to get sick. So we took the short river cruise. It really is a beautiful area.

The day was really nice and we had a good time. Now the house is extra quiet since the kids went home yesterday and Wes left this morning for three weeks. I will dedicate this time to my dissertation proposal and hope to get a lot done.

I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend.

Happy Anniversary!!!

My parents looking forward to their future.

Today is my parents' twenty-ninth anniversary. Twenty-nine years ago today, my parents "eloped" in a little church in Arizona, exactly one week after moving there. They didn't know anyone, but the church was full and presented them with a gift of dishes (which we had until about 10 years ago). The bride's three year old daughter (that would be me) didn't want to leave her parents' side, so she appeared in every picture. The church also gave them a reception including cake and then babysat for them overnight so they could be alone. I don't know what church it was, but I'd like to thank them because their true Christian example of love and giving set a lifelong example to my parents.

My parents should not have made it. My dad was only 19 and my mom 21, once divorced and with a three year old daughter. When my dad told his parents that they were getting married, his dad pulled him a whole foot away from my mom and hissed "if you marry that woman, with that child, you will never get another dime from me." He had been paying my dad's college tuition. My dad's best friend gave them 10 years at the most. I know my mom's parents weren't happy either. She moved across the country for some young, long-haired greasy musician. And they were broke. My parents defied the odds and taught me a lot during the process (and also learned a lot).

My parents taught me about financial responsibility. As I mentioned, we were broke. For the next four years my dad often worked two jobs and went to school full time. In addition, we only had one car, so he often rode his bike. During this time we lived in Las Vegas for two years (extreme heat) and Minnesota (extreme cold). He never complained because a man provides for his family even if that means working at a fastfood restaurant. In addition, my parents gave to the benevolence offering every month at church. They said it was only about $5 a month, because that's all we had, but they knew there were others who were worse off then ourselves. Their giving paid off because when my mom was pregnant with my brother, we didn't have medical insurance. The church found out and paid for my mom to go to the hospital. Throughout the years, as my parents financial situation has grown, so has their giving. I remember giving Christmas trees to people who couldn't afford it, giving gifts to children, cars to adults and now my parents sponsor 5 third-world children with pride. When my mom's best friend's husband died, my dad donated a sizable sum to be given to her every month through the church (so she wouldn't know it was actually them). My parents also give of their time in a multitude of ways. They truly believe that what God has given to you, you are to give to others. They paid for both my and my sister's undergraduate educations and spent more than that on my brother for drug rehab. They will give until they have nothing left to give. They are just that way.

They taught me that family is the most important thing. My dad adopted me after he and my mom got married. He and his entire family (minus his dad, who I don't have a relationship with) embraced me as his real daughter. He taught me to ride my bike, to drive a car and he walked me down the aisle the first time I got married. And then helped me move all my stuff when I got divorced. He taught me that biology does not play a role in love. However, when things got bad with my brother, it was my mom who stepped up and refused to give up on him. This was her son and she loved him and she knew that God (because nothing else was working) could do something. And if God still loved my brother, then so could my mom. It was a choice and not an easy one, but she fought tooth and nail. And she was right. My brother still isn't perfect, but if she hadn't held on, who knows where he would be today (certainly not in college).

Finally, they taught me how to grow up. My parents were very young and things were not always easy or handled very well. But my parents worked through the hard times and refused to give up on each other. They've shown me what commitment really is. There would have been times when it would have been easier to give up on the marriage, but they both decided that wasn't what they wanted to do. They weren't quitters. And as time went on, I saw my dad turn into a real man. Just five years ago my dad apologized to me for the stuff he had done wrong when he was so young (a lot of verbal abuse). And he was sincere. And I could accept his apology because I could see that he had changed and he had worked to become a man in control of his emotions. In some ways, my sister grew up with a very different dad than I did (and I'm glad for that). But he showed me that people can change when they want to. He also showed me that people are responsible for their own actions and behavior.

I'm very proud of my parents for what they have accomplished as a couple and as individuals. I'm thankful for their lessons about giving, loving and responsibility. Here's to 29 years and hopefully another 30+ more. I love you guys.

Exhausted

My parents were here this weekend and we had a great time but I am now exhausted. Now, in no particular order, are pictures of our weekend.


Saturday at the beach. Don't they look cute!


This is what most of my "dolphin" pictures looked like. They don't like to pose!


My parents on the dolphin boat.


The boat ride was pretty windy on the way back!


This was the best picture I got of the dolphins. But we had a ton of fun!

We also went to all you can eat seafood buffet and stuffed ourselves. It was a great weekend. Unfortunately my parents left today and Wes also left for 4 days. So now I'm all by myself. Bt I had a great time and I'm happy about that.

Today

Today my parents are coming to visit. I should have them fly in more often, because I've already gotten more done today than I've done all week (ok, not really, but almost). I got up, finished vacuuming my house, went to the gym, translated some Russian, cleaned out the car and I'm about to get ready to go pick them up. I am so excited.

I also finished a book I was reading, called Don't let's go to the dog's tonight by Alexandra Fuller. At first I had a hard time getting into it because the first couple of chapters are not in chronological order, but after I figured that out, the book was great. It is the true story of Fuller's childhood in war-torn Africa and it is a wonderful book. I would highly recommend it. I know she also has at least one other book out and I'm going to look for it.

That's about it and I need to paint my toenails. Hope everyone is doing well. And remember, You R capatavatingg.

Just what I needed, or I am capatavatingg

Wes was supposed to be home from work on Saturday by 4:00p. As 4:00p came and went, I became desperate to do something, anything, to get out of the house. So I decided we were skipping church on Sunday to do some hiking (next to the beach) and swimming (at the beach). Saturday night, after Wes got home (a little after 4:30p) we were going to play Diablo all night to get our fix. We were playing and his phone rang. We got real tense because we were afraid it was work, but it wasn't. It was our friend Les, who we know from TX, who also now lives here. It was his birthday and he wanted to know if we wanted to go out with him, his girl and some friends. Go out! On a Saturday night!!! Hell yes!!! I had never met his girlfriend, Marie. She is wonderful and perfect for him. Les is also Charley's best friend, so things could have been a little weird. But Les, (after drinking a little) declared that he knew we all loved Charley but that Wes and I made a much better couple. Also, Charley wasn't good enough for me anyway. So it was all good. After dinner we went to a bar and then to a dive bar with kareoke, for my husband, who was the only person there who likes kareoke. But we had a good time. And the one song Wes sang sounded really good. We had been there more than an hour when Wes and the rest of the guys went up to the bar to get something to drink. Right after they left our table, this guy, who had to be older than my dad, walked up, told me I was beautiful and he had been watching me all night and gave me this:



Other than the fact that I'm captivating, I'm not sure what it says. But it did cheer me up. And we had a great night.

Sunday was good too. We just hung out and played Diablo, took a nap, that sort of stuff. My parents are coming to visit this week and I'm very excited about that. I also think I am going to look for a part time job to get me out of the house more often. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm not ignoring anyone either, I really have been busy and I'll try to return calls and e-mails today. Hope you all have a capatavatingg week.

Here we go again (or: haven't we been here before? Why do we keep coming back?)

Depression is such an odd thing. Once you realize you have it and that it is a problem and that it will keep coming back (at least in my case) it becomes a struggle of intellect over emotion. And it's discouraging, especially since I'm supposed to be smart, to know that even though things are good (not the best, but waaaaaaay better than they could be), I can't make myself feel that way. And when you don't feel that way, your emotions begin to sway your intellect into believing that things aren't good. And then all of a sudden you can't get out of bed because when you woke up you were having a bad dream so therefore the entire day will be bad but if you don't get up you will never start working on your dissertation proposal and then you will have to quit school and work a crappy job you hate and if you don't get up the house won't get cleaned and the groceries won't be bought and Wes will leave you because you're a bad wife and then you'll be a divorced woman in her late thirties working a crappy job that you hate and life will never get any better so you might as well just die and then the fear of failure is so great that you still can't get out of bed and you just stay there and cry instead. That's what I'm fighting. But my parents will be here next week. Hopefully that will help cheer me up. And I'll clean because my parents will be here next week. Being in a clean house always cheers me up. And I'm going to write out a game plan for the writing of the proposal and then start using my daily lists because when everything is sooooo overwhelming that getting out of bed feels like it takes more energy than you have, breaking your tasks into little lists actually helps get them done. One at a time. That's all you have to do. One. At. A. Time. And I'm still going swimming. And that helps too. Although I'm sore from yesterday (and cramping like a mofo) so I'm not going today. I will go tomorrow. I promise. I will also go get groceries tomorrow and to the bank and to get my prescription filled tomorrow. Tomorrow I will begin normal schedules again. This will help me slowly crawl out of this hole. I hate this hole. I hate this hole because it's dark and damp and cold down here and no one can get to me, sometimes not even myself. I hate this hole because it's familiar and feels safe, because I've been here before, many, many times. But I will crawl out. I don't have a choice. It's either the hole or life and I choose life.

Cute quote from Allison (age 6): In a very concerned voice "How did that lady know we were going swimming?", after the woman who rang up our swim goggles and fins told us to have a good time swimming.

I will end on a happy note. My wonderful friends, Rene and Ryo, called to let me know there are going to be parents. They have been trying for several months and are very excited. I can't think of anyone who deserves to have kids more and they will make the best, most loving parents ever. Congratulations!!!

Patch-work

I wanted to post a photos of my various bruises and scrapes, but I can't figure out how to turn off the flash on my camera, so they all turn out pasty-white. So I'll just tell you (yeah, not quite as amusing). I have a one inch by two inch bruise on my upper right thigh. No, I don't know where it came from. I think I may have hit the bedframe one day while cleaning. I have a perfectly round bruise on the center of my left thigh. Again, no idea how I got it. I have three scrapes on my left knee. Got those cleaning last Friday. Both my knees are completely bruised. Got those at the park on Saturday night. My left elbow is scratched. Got that yesterday when I slipped on the stairs and fell down four of them on my butt. No bruises on my butt, but I also pulled my right shoulder while trying to regain my balance. It's a good thing I didn't bruise my butt, because right now, it's the only think that doesn't hurt.

On to the advisor. Ok, I was a bit frustrated when I posted. Yes, I was thinking about quitting but more because I have a family to think about than because I want to. I don't want to quit. I love what I do. My advisor is new and I'm her first student. She told me a while back that she will be very hard on me because the job market is so competative that I have to be in top form to get a job. Having said that, she could work on her people skills. She is one of the best lecturers I've ever seen and she knows her stuff. But, I can tell she is working on her skills because she sent me an encouraging e-mail and we are going to talk on the phone. I didn't expect this part to be easy and I know I am easily discouraged because of other things going on in my life. I feel isolated from the academic world and I miss my friends and the library. While there are a large number of things I can get on-line, that still doesn't replace an actual campus library. Therefore, this week, I will be visiting several local universities and their libraries. I'm also frustrated because of the Sean situation. He has a different advisor than me (one who is equally, if not more so, brilliant). But if you recall the prelim debacle, where he didn't start his answers until the night before they were due. And then, they gave him a week to rewrite one of his answers and he still passed. Yeah, that frustration. Well, Sean's advisor hasn't even seen his proposal but he already has a defense date. And, his advisor is chair of an endowment and Sean received funding for research next spring. So while he's on a fully paid research trip in Europe, I'll be scraping the change together from the bottom of my couch to get to the Hoover institute and then sleeping on friends' of a friends' couches while I do research there. Frustration.

Finally, I don't think I'm cut out for kids. I know that right now my depression is kind of bad, but still, they drive me crazy. I was already so pissed off by eight this morning that I thought I was going to lose it. They don't listen to anything you say, even if you're answering a question that they've already asked 5 times and you've already answered it 5 times. And all they do is pick at each other. I think next times one of them tattles, (and they will) I'm just going to encourage them to beat the crap out of each other and then ask them if that was fun. Last night (when daddy and I were trying to get some love) they knocked on the bedroom door twice. They had already gotten their bedtime stories and kisses. Once was because Allison rolled over and accidentally hit Victor in the stomach and the other time was because they missed mom. We can't do anything about that so why are you knocking on our door?!? Then, this morning, they were both up before seven. And you could tell they needed more sleep because they were fighting right away. I just shut my bedroom door. Then, when I did go in there, they were playing with a game that had been taken away from them last night and put up in the closet. Meaning, they climbed up the cheap Wal-mart shelves in their bedroom to get them. When I asked if they remembered that they were told last night that they couldn't play with that game, they said no. Until I suggested calling daddy to ask him if he remembered. Oh, yeah, I remember now. Um-hm. Not a good way to start a very long day. I can't believe I'm pissed off at two kids because they didn't let me get any sleep.

Finally, since I think we should end on a humorous note: Andrea was right. Wes does think about her during sex. How do I know this? Because he told me he thinks I'm so hot he has to think of ugly girls to last longer. Nope, no bitterness here. Also, a few weeks ago, as we were going to bed, Wes's nose itched and he commented that someone must be thinking about him. I responded that maybe Andrea and her husband were having sex. He laughed so hard he almost fell out of the bed.

I'm ok

I'm not ignoring people (although, yes, I didn't call people because I didn't want my negativity to rub off on people). It's just that we have the kids this weekend. So I will return calls and e-mails after Tues. when they go home. Meanwhile, I'm ok, I'm not dropping out of the program. I'm just frustrated, but I'll get through it. Thanks for all the encouragement and love.

Quitting

I'm seriously thinking about quitting school. My advisor is driving me crazy and since my chances of actually finding an academic job after I get my Ph.D are less than 1 in 5, why am I doing this to myself. She hates the second draft too. No, I'm not sure why. Apparently because I do know the answers to the questions I'm raising in my proposal. Yeah, those would be the questions I want to answer in my dissertation but apparently I'm already supposed to know the entire history of what I'm doing my research on. No, I don't know how that is possible or why a dissertation would even be necessary if we already knew it, but evidently, that's what I'm expected to know. She doesn't think I can get a good enough proposal before the end of the semester. Grant proposals are due in October and you have to be dissertation status to apply for them. That means, I couldn't apply for grants for next year. I'm not willing to wait two years to do my research trip. I'm married and 32 and I have other things I need to do in life besides waiting on this bitch to decide what the hell she wants. I'm frustrated beyond words and I can't stop crying. I just don't know what to do. I just don't think I can do this anymore.

Take two

I just e-mailed my advisor the second (and much better) draft of my dissertation proposal. Well, minus a few sections I haven't got to yet, but since I totally rewrote the proposal (I deleted the entire first draft) I wanted to make sure I was headed in the right direction and not have to start completely over again. I think this one was much better and I pray to God that she does too. Hopefully we can now schedule a defense date and I can buy plane tickets before they'll cost me an arm and a leg (because I hear it's very hard to do research in the archives without arms, and Russia really isn't disability friendly).

Other than that, the place is a mess and we're getting the kids this weekend. Tomorrow I will be doing a lot of cleaning. Today, I will be relaxing, e-mailing people, playing diablo and catching up on my magazine reading and maybe, if I have time, even start a real, non-history related book. Hey, my husband won't be home until 10:00p, so I have plenty of time. I'm going to go to the gym too. How much you want to bet I take a nap and get nothing done?

I hope everyone is well, and enjoying whatever break they have before the next semester starts.