Are we there yet?

My thoughts are all over the place today. We'll just go in a random order, and hopefully I can keep up.

Did you see that I got a spam comment the other day? It was from a mail-order Russian bride site. I guess it picked up on the Charley reference. I asked Wes if we should forward the link to Charley, but he didn't think that would be funny. I thought it would be hilarious. Although, most people don't get my humor.

I got a ton of homework done today, which is good, because I get the student's mid-term exams tomorrow. I do not look forward to grading those. Guess I don't have a choice though, because that's what I get paid (poorly) for. I saw this one blog with ads all over it, and yeah, it was tacky, but she said it helped pay the bills. I thought about doing something like that, but since I think only three people read my blog, I don't think I'd make a lot. Maybe you would all like to check my blog at least 100 times a day so I can make money? Yeah, me either.

Wes moved into his new place this weekend. He has no furniture except for bedroom stuff. He's turning the second bedroom into a study and will have the kids sleep on the couch (which he hasn't bought yet). We're talking about getting a 3 bedroom place when we get married, that way the kids can have their own room (and I'll have a place to put my furniture). I think that just makes sense. He gave up everything in the divorce, and I was looking at all my stuff (kitchen stuff and furniture) and I think by next year, I'm going to need all new stuff too. But we're not going to register anywhere, because we've both been married before, and I don't really want anyone to buy us gifts. Money would be ok, but we're adults and we're not broke (like we both were the first time we got married).

I think Wes and I are going to have to talk about his kids and discipline and child rearing. We've talked about it a little bit. We both believe that there are many better ways of disciplining a child other than spanking them. We believe children should eat at the table, not play. Stuff like that. The problem is, whenever I try to discuss the topic, he just insists that the kids will love me and not to worry about it. He admits that there might be problems in the future, but we'll just deal with that when we get there. Otherwise, he just says that he'll back me up with whatever I decide. I know he means we'll decide those things together, but he's making me feel like I'll have to be the disciplinarian and he'll agree with me no matter what. I know he disciplines his kids now. I don't think he realizes that he's not reassuring me, that he's actually making me more worried about the situation. I want to do this together with him, not do it myself and then him pat me on the back. I think once we talk about it, it'll be fine. I'm still nervous though.

My dad is coming to visit on Thursday. I'm going to take him with me to class on Friday. It's the class I TA for. That should be fun. Other than that, I don't know what we'll do.

Am I the only person who finds it odd that "blog" is not in the spell check dictionary?

Disappointment

The plan was, I would go see Wes and meet his family over Thanksgiving and he would come and meet my family over Christmas. Normally, I go visit my grandparents over Thanksgiving. But I decided I'll just go see them over my winter break. Not seeing them at all is not an option: my grandpa's mental and physical health is failing rapidly. Wes hasn't bought my Thanksgiving tickets yet. It's not because he's a procrastinator or anything, it's just that he doesn't report to his new "job" until next Thursday. He wasn't sure when he would have off. But it appears that he will indeed get that time off and that there are still some relatively cheap (by that, I mean expensive but doable) tickets left. I would fly out Wednesday and fly home Sunday. Almost five days. After discussing this, Wes said that he'll come into Dallas on Dec. 16th. But I won't be there until the 19th or 20th. Well, he's going to go visit family in the area and then come back on the 19th or 20th. And then his dad will pick him up on the 24th and they will leave. I was very disappointed. He doesn't have to be back until the 28th, but he should go see his grandparents in East Texas: they too are suffering bad health. I just thought I would be able to see him a little longer. And I'm not sure that we'll have time for him to meet all my friends. Well, mostly I just want him to meet Camille. And most of my family works, so I don't really know how much he'll get to spend time with some of them, like my brother, if he's not actually there for Christmas. I know I should be happy that I get to see him, I'm just a bit bummed.

Meeting his kids is starting to stress me out. It's not the fact that they're kids: it's the fact that their mother is raising them very differently than I would raise my own kids. I don't want to confuse the kids, or make them think I don't think she's a good mom, but I don't want my kids to act that way. Wes says the kids are good when they're with him, but that doesn't mean they'll be good for me. And what happens when Wes and I have kids? Do I just hope that at that point his kids are so old it's not an issue anymore? And now, his ex-wife is talking like we might swap the kids every few years or something. I just think that might be too confusing for them. I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it. Sigh.

Adventures with food

Thursday I don't really do anything except homework, and sometimes even that is difficult. Today was no exception. It was beautiful today, at least it was for that 30 seconds when I took the trash out. We were supposed to set a new record high today. And, like I said, I left my apartment once. I was doing homework. And yes, I got a lot done, but no, it wasn't enough. It never is.

This afternoon I was snacking on some dates. Dates are normally a food I would not buy, but I needed them for that exotic apple crisp I made a couple weeks ago. Now, I think dates taste really good, and they're really good for you, but, they look like giant cockroaches. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to be eating a food that reminds me of some nasty bug I would normally flush down the toilet. Then, for dinner, I had soup. This is what the label said. "Vegetable Classics, Green Split Pea, with bacon." Now, I'm not a vegetarian, so the bacon doesn't bother me, but I'm pretty sure that most vegetarians don't consider bacon a vegetable. I wonder when we'll be reading about the lawsuit brought against that company.

Yep, that's been my fun day. Now, back to the books and the roaches.

Girl's night out

graduate style. I just got back from girl's night out, at Nick's. They have the best pie. I can't drink right now because of this stupid medication I'm on, but I can still eat pie. We had a blast, just gossiping and stuff. I hooked up two of my friends, so that's pretty cool. But if it goes bad, it'll be weird because I share an office with one of them, and I'm really good friends with the other. It was just nice to get out for a couple of hours.

This medication is driving me crazy. First my nose itched constantly. Now, it's my eyebrows. Do you know how creepy it is to see someone who is constantly scratching their eyebrows? My entire body is getting itchy because it is so dry. Except for my face. It's still nice and oily. But it's also dry and peely. Could someone please explain this to me? Hopefully I'll only have to be on this stuff for a couple of months. Swimming is making the whole dry thing worse too. I guess I should point out to myself that since this is acne medication, it is supposed to make me dry, but I don't like the itchy stuff.

Yes, Camille, I got the wonderful bed stuff. The memory foam is really cool! The pillows are nice too. The sheets are definitely soft, but I had to iron them, so I'm not sure if the trade-off is worth it. I hate to iron and I'm really bad at it. I only ironed the pillowcases and the top half of the sheets. I'm lazy too!

I love days like today

My students are brilliant. Now, if you read my blog just last week, I know I indicated otherwise, but they have redeemed themselves this week. They read, they discussed, they asked questions. This was some of the semester's hardest, most difficult, and one of them, the most unenjoyable readings. But they did it, they thought about it and they discussed it. It was a great day. I love these days. It makes me glad I'm a TA and decided to be a professor.

Get ready to laugh

Wes told me that Charley made a joke about us the other night. So I asked, what was it. Well, apparently Charley has decided to try to find a woman on the internet. Nothing wrong there, I know several people who have met that way. Apparently the girl he met is Russian. And lives in Russia. Does anybody else see the irony of this situation? Anyway, he was telling Wes about this and Wes asked if she were attractive and Charley said yes (I hope it was a recent picture) and Wes asked to see the picture. Charley's reply, "I want to keep this one." Ouch! But they laughed about it. I was thinking about it though, and there's a few concerns I have. First, I don't want Charley to get screwed over. Alot of those women are legitimate, but a lot also only want money or green cards. Second, Russians really look down on drug use. So if their relationship does progress, I hope she's so desperate to get out that she doesn't mind about Charley. At least for a while. Finally, Charley always wanted to be a knight in shining armor, so maybe this is a good situation for him. She needs rescuing and he can do it. As long as she doesn't mind that for the rest of her life she'll have to worship him for it, then they're good. This could end up being very strange though. I wonder if he looked at Russian girls on purpose. Anyone have an opinion on that?

He loves me

He really, really does. Well, of course I already knew this. But when I went and spent almost $500 on his American Express, his reply: "are you sure you got everything you need?" He demanded that I get the most expensive pillows (did you know they sell pillows that cost $100 a piece?). Two of them. And a memory foam topper. And I found 400 count sheets on sale. And then, I went and bought 5 pair of underwear and 2 bras. These, he demanded that he get pictures of. He also told me to go buy a tripod for my camera. I guess that fair: he did pay for them. And, I found something to motivate him to quit smoking: me. Everyday he doesn't smoke, he gets a picture. The longer he doesn't smoke the more "intimate" the pictures get. He seems highly motivated now.

Other than that: homework. Is there anything else? And yes, that's a serious question.

Finally, some real excitement!!!!

I turned the papers back to the students this morning. So far, I haven't heard anything, but that could be because I told them they had to wait 24 hours before they contacted me. I also told them I'd be more than willing to lower their grades if they pissed me off (ok, that's now how I said it, but that was basically what I said). And of course, I had one student who wanted to know where his paper was. Only, I hadn't gotten a paper from him. And I had even e-mailed him to ask him why. Apparently, even though I spent 10 minutes explaining that the box numbers are not the same as the office numbers and giving directions to where the boxes were, and even though he's a senior, he still managed to put his paper in the wrong place. He actually shows up to class and reads and discusses, so I let him turn it in. It sucks (as a paper, not the situation).

I meant to spend this entire afternoon in the library, but at about 3:15p I looked at my watch and said to myself: Myself, it's Friday afternoon, and you need to go home. Mostly because the book I have to have read by Monday was at home, not because I wanted to goof off or anything (although I really do want to goof off). But it's a long book and since I'm the TA, I have to read it (even if none of the students will). Since it's halloween weekend, and this is Madison (the biggest Halloween celebration in the country), I really don't expect much from the students next week. But I have high expectations for myself. Therefore, I will read this crappy book for the second time, because I didn't take notes the first time I read it (2 years ago).

Finally, Wes really, really loves me. Today, I got an American Express with my name on it. And I don't have to pay for it. And, Wes demands that I go to Linen and Things and buy some good pillows, a down-filled mattress pad and 300 count Egyptian cotton sheets. Since sleep is so precious to a grad student and my 5 year old, $10 pillows aren't really that comfortable, he feels that this will contribute to my health and my academic career. How can you not love a man like that?

I'm going to go eat my pizza and then read.
Does anyone have any exciting Halloween plans?

Even more excitement

Today, it got even more exciting than yesterday. Why? you may ask. Well, because I made apple crisp. Yeah, that was the big excitement. Although, it also had pears and dates in it, so it was a bit exotic.

After that, I went to the library for almost 6 hours and sat in a hard wooden chair and read for the entire time. Then I came home and ate.

And now I'm typing this.

How could it possibly get anymore exciting?

Finished!!!! Well,

not quite. Almost finished. I have seven left to read one more time and finalize the grades on them. Then I have to enter the grades in Excel. Then I'm finished. Overall I guess they're not that bad. At least I see the end of the tunnel. And the train light as it rushes to run me over. They get their mid-terms next Monday and I'm sure there will be a few students who aren't happy with their grades. This is my least favorite part of teaching. But, class went much better yesterday. So that made me happy.

Ok, so my life is a little stale right now.


Now I'm finished completely. The paper grades have been broken down and e-mailed to the professor, the grades have been recorded in Excel, and I have e-mailed those with A papers if I could copy their papers to show the rest of the class what an A paper looks like. Since their mid-terms aren't due until Nov. the 7th, that leaves me a week and a half (but more importantly, two free thursdays and two free weekends) to work on all my other crap. And there is a lot of it. Now I'm off to clean the kitchen.

Sigh. . . .

Just thinking about grading the rest of those papers makes me tired. I'm more than half way through. Ok, I'm more than half way through reading them all and putting little post-it notes on them of what I think they should be. After I've done this will all of them, I'll go back and find out the break-down of the grades. And then, I'll probably go back and re-read some of them and change those grades and then finally, post the final grades for these papers. The kids will get them back on Friday. Monday they get their mid-term take home exams. I get to grade those one week after they get them. When am I supposed to get anything done? The papers, well, as usual they all surprise me. Either because they're so good, or because they're so bad I can't figure out what class they're taking.

So, just for your information, Russian history. Peter the Great was NOT married to Catherine the Great. He was dead before she was born. She WAS married to Peter the third. Russia NEVER had a ruler named Alexander the Great. That was a Macedonian ruler, way back when. There's even a movie. You cannot write about how the entire Russian country debated in journals about autocracy and serfdom in the late 18th and early 19th century: less than 10% of the population was literate at that time (and that's being generous). If someone is writing about the reign of Alexander I, (reign, 1801-1825), they did NOT write about it in the 1760s. So far, these have been the most common mistakes. And, I guess, the most amusing. And one more note: NEVER, EVER start a history paper with the cliche "history repeats itself." (Yes, I had a student who did this).

Other than that, I just got back from the hospital. My friend just had a baby boy. He is very beautiful and looks a lot like his proud daddy. Congratulations Meegan and Jason (and big brother David). He is precious. (I still don't want one of my own). I also got my final hepatitis B shot today and I started on a new medication where depression is a side-affect. So if you notice that my blog is getting more and more alarming, please bombard me with comments and e-mail to cheer me up.

Ok, need to go clean the kitchen and then call Wes and go to bed. Tomorrow is my long day.

Paper hell: part 2

The papers were due at 3:00pm. I told the class I would be leaving campus at 3:15pm. I told them, since I was already extending the time for their papers (the professor wanted them in class at 9:55am) that I would not accept any late papers for any reason. So, how many papers am I short. Three. THREE. I expected one, but not THREE. Especially since two of the three are normally good students. And I haven't received any e-mails either. If I don't receive e-mails today about the papers, then I'm not going to accept the papers, even if they claim they put them in my box today. How am I supposed to know if they actually put the papers in my box today when I'm not there and not going back until Monday? I hate crap like this. Because now I'm going to have to be super bitchy and it's not my fault. I guess we'll see how it all plays out. Meanwhile, I have other papers to grade.

My stupid, brand-new computer has a spooler problem. It doesn't like to print stuff off of the internet. I'm a history Ph.D student, I print articles all the time. I'm going to see if Wes can solve this problem over the phone, because it is really annoying.

I think that is it. I have a ton of stuff to do (when don't I) and I really should get stuff done tonight, even though I'd rather play Age of Mythology.

Paper hell

Today the students have to turn in a 5 to 7 page paper. I have 42 students, (although, I've never seen 2 of them), so, technically speaking, I should have 42 papers to grade this weekend. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself!!!! (Yes, that is sarcasm that just dripped all over your computer). I told them I would not take any late papers. How many people do you think will e-mail me wanting me to take a late paper? We could place bets on this, make it fun. I went and talked to the professor I'm TAing for and told him what happened on Tuesday. He rolled his eyes. He was totally behind me, and today he's going to mention that maybe the students should at least attempt to do their work.

Meanwhile, I have my own work that I've been putting off. Well, not putting off, I'm just not good at trying to do 10 different things at once. I'm taking a German reading exam next week, so I've really been studying for that. As a Ph.D student I have to have two foreign languages. Obviously Russian is my first language and German will be my second. I'd also like to learn Yiddish, but that might take a while. Anyway, I ordered a new German dictionary and it came yesterday. It is beautiful (this is not sarcasm). I think I'm going to see if the same company has a Russian one too, and order it. My Russian dictionary is starting to fall apart. But, anyway, back to work. My professor suggested I read this one book for a paper I'm writing for him (that was due 2 years ago: glad he doesn't have the same late paper policy I have, although if he did, the paper would have been written a long time ago). This book is in old Russian. So, it's kind of like translating old Shakespeare, except in a foreign language. Can you envision the hours of fun this will take? But I'm going to do it, because I didn't spend all summer in Russia for nothing.

Finally, I know yesterday was half naked Thursday, and I did take a picture. Where did I put that? Oh, yeah, I e-mailed it to Wes. I guess you're just going to have to ask him for a copy of it.

Ok, ton of work to do. Does it even end? Have a great Friday, and drink one for me.

Furious

Today is the day I teach. I think that yesterday I wrote about the students who didn't show up to lecture. Well, today, it got a lot worse. In the first class (out of four), it became evident that of the two, rather short, readings we were supposed to do, only about half the class read the first and fewer than three read the second. The frusterating thing, the professor has said more than once that this week's readings are the most important for the entire semester. So, being a bit ticked, I gave them a speech about how they were wasting my time and I didn't appreciate that because I had things to do, and that I considered holding them until class was over but I didn't really want to. So I let them leave.

Second class. Again, about half read the first reading. We discussed that and how important it was and how they needed to read it. Also, I answered a few questions about lecture yesterday, but only because these were people who had been there. One student actually asked me what yesterday's lecture had to do with the readings. I responded we would discuss this as we discussed the readings. Eventually we got to the second reading. Only, NO ONE HAD READ IT. NO ONE. NOT A SINGLE PERSON. I was so pissed. I wanted to say, "You mother-f******, how dare you waste my time like this. What kind of s***** behavior is this? Don't you realize how many people would like to be in your position, getting an education, and you're just pissing it away. I should fail all of you f******. I am disgusted with you. Do you honestly expect me to just regurgitate this s*** for you. @!#$@%&*^&*^&******." Instead, since I wanted to keep my job, I said, very seriously, "Go home!" and walked out of the class before anyone could say anything. And I'm only giving the class half a grade for today. I was so mad. My friend Sean was amazed at how angry I was. I don't cuss much either, so you know I'm pissed. Next time it happens, I'm going to make the entire class read the crap out loud in class.

Anyway, I'm going to go have a drink because I'm still mad. I hope everyone else had a better day.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger last night. Amazing. Beautiful. Haunting. Well worth the month and a half it took me to read it. Very original. Makes you question the concept of reality, time, love and the inevitability of the future. Made me question my past relationships and future ones as well. I would highly recommend it.

But. . . since it made me question stuff, Charley came up, of course. And also, since Wes was talking about him the other night, it made me dream about him. Charley. And Wes. For some reason, Charley and I were on the West coast and Wes on the East. And we were trying to get to Wes. Somehow, Charley ended up in my arms and I was holding him. Not wanting to hold him and yet feeling like this was what I wanted. Like he belonged there, only I wouldn't let him. And in the dream, I'm thinking, I want to get used to this again. And in the dream, I'm thinking, I love Wes. I love Wes. I love Wes. And then, Charley and I are on a bus. And I am in the seat in front of him. And we are driving through the desert. With mountains. The kind that are beautiful, but if you are alone, they only multiply your loneliness. And they made me long for Wes.

I love Wes and this relationship makes so much more sense than any I've ever been in before. But I love Charley. And since I love him, I should want what's best for him, which would be for him to get clean, but in reality, if that happened, I know I would wonder, "Why didn't you do that for me?". Now, now it would be too late. I would never leave Wes for Charley. How could I? Why would I? But I wish I didn't know anything about him. I wish I could forget him. I wish he could be something that happened a long time ago but fades away into something good but not quite real. Sometimes Wes thinks I should call Charley and hash it all out. But what would I say? I thought you loved me and yet you didn't do what you needed to do to keep me. I still love you but it's too late. Don't give up on yourself even though I did. I love Wes and now you and I will never be together. I guess, up until Wes, there was always that little hope in the back of my being, that somehow Charley and I would get back together. But now I'm not willing to give up any time with Wes to be with Charley. I honestly don't see a solution to the problem. Love sucks.

Beautiful Saturday

It was a beautiful day today. Or at least it looked like it from the 4th floor window of memorial library. I sat in the library for 4 hours. FOUR HOURS. On a wooden chair that was probably made in 19th century by someone who thought if he sat on highly uncomfortable chairs he would be more likely to go to heaven. And, I can't quite figure out how to get the music on my computer to play in a random mode. Not the end of the world, but still annoying. I did, however, get a ton of stuff done in those 4 hours. Apparently those uncomfortable wooden chairs greatly increase the speed of your reading ability. I have a paper topic, which is very exciting because this is a paper that was due 2 years ago. Yeah, you read that right. It's taken me two years to come up with a paper topic for a paper that will only be 20 pages long. Thank god I already have a dissertation topic.

Well, that's about the extent of my exciting weekend. Wes is paranoid because I won't give him my blog address. So last night I went through and read him the blogs that had to do with him (ok, not all of them) and I read him some of the ones I wrote about relationships. And he said some of them made him sad, because I wrote that I was scared and he promised me I didn't have to be anymore because he would always love me and take care of me. Which is good, because if he's lying Camille will kick his ass! But he still want the address. I don't want to give it to him, so he'll just have to keep looking.

On to Charley (yes, I know that wasn't a great transitional sentence). Wes said he received a voicemail from Charley. I think I already mentioned that. What Wes didn't tell me then was that this message totally creeped him out. He said it was like Charley had either smoked so much he had lost all sense of reality, or he was smoking harder stuff. He was kind of afraid to call him back. He said that since he told Charley we were together that the conversations have been getting weirder and weirder. He did call Charley back today, and said he sounded much more sane. But he said Charley mentioned me in the middle of nowhere and Wes couldn't figure out why. Something to the effect that if Wes talked to an old friend, not to mention me. Wes, caught off guard, just said "ok" and changed the subject. I told him Charley was just trying to figure out if we were still together. Wes thinks I'm right, but didn't think of that at the time. I feel sorry for Charley. Not in a "I wish I could make it all better" type of way, but in a "you dumbass, you did this to yourself, and you don't even realize it" type of way.

Ok, I want to go read for pleasure (no, not that kind of pleasure, I just mean non-academic reading). If my Saturday nights got any more exciting, I really don't know how I would handle it.

oh my gosh!!!!

So I'm sitting here doing homework and I realize that my feet are so cold that I cannot concentrate on my reading (yes, I'm going somewhere with this). I decide I have to go buy slippers because I don't own any and if I don't buy them NOW I will not be able to do anything productive today, tomorrow or ever. Well, at least until I buy slippers (don't hate me just because you're not intelligent enough to follow my internal logic. And YES, it is logic). I hadn't planned on going anywhere today, so I just threw on some clothes and brushed my teeth. My hair is doing really weird things, and I'm not wearing any make-up. I'm just going to Wal-mart for heaven's sake. Why do I need to look good? On the way to Wal-mart, the radio jolts me awake and I realize, Nine Inch Nails are in town today. And I'm going in public looking like absolute crap. Because, you know the first place Trent Reznor wants to go when he hits a new town is it's local Wal-mart (hey guys, I'm out of socks. We're going to Wal-mart!). Although, looking around Wal-mart, it probably would have been a really safe place for him: no one there would have known who he was, much less recognized him. Fortunately, I didn't run into Trent at Wal-mart. But it did make me think of all my Nine Inch Nails memories.

I was first introduced to NIN in 1991, sitting in Wes's car at lunch time. My favorite, at that time, was Terrible Lie, now, it's Down in It. Pretty Hate Machine quickly became my favorite CD ever. College years have many NIN memories, including the complaints from the people who lived below us EVERY SINGLE MORNING because we played his CD's too loudly. After my divorce, listening to NIN enabled me to get out my anger and feel more powerful and sexy. And I swear, Reptile was written for me, even if Trent doesn't know it. I don't own the new CD. I was going to buy it in Russia for $3.50, but because I really like NIN, I just didn't feel right buying a bootleg copy. And since I'm a poor graduate student, it's just going to have to wait awhile. But I will eventually buy it. So, Trent (because you know he's reading this somewhere), thank you for all the great music and all the wonderful memories. I hope you continue making music for a very long time.

And my new slippers rock!!!!

Here's the plan

The students are turning in papers next Friday. Ok, most of the students will probably be turning in papers next Friday (the ones who don't get an F: the paper was originally due on Oct. 7th and the professor kindly backed up the date). So, until then, I'm going to work on the paper that I still need to write. I figure this next week will give me enough time to have picked a topic and started writing. I won't be able to finish it in a week, but it will get me started enough that it will be finished before the end of the semester. I am very happy with this plan. I just really don't want to start it today, but I will.

Yesterday I told my advisor I was getting married. She was very excited for me and wants to see pictures ect. . . And we started talking about the financial aspect of things (grad school can be expensive) and I told her that that wasn't an issue anymore and that even when I finish, I really won't have to work unless I want to. She was very adamant that I still teach even if just at a community college. She said I am a natural teacher and I was born to teach and that it was kind of my responsibility to teach. She made me feel so good. She talked about how great my student evaluations are and how everyone I've TA'ed for will write me great references. Since I do love to teach, this is good news. And it was funny because I told her that while I enjoy research, I'm not a great writer. She said I do fine with the writing but my real talent is in the classroom.

Wes told me that he received a voicemail from Charley that sounded like he had been smoking for days. He said that a lot of Charley's conversations are actually sounding like he has smoked so much that he is losing his grip on reality. Quite possible and very sad. Glad I'm not there for that.

And the loop: Wes wants to have a baby. . . with me. Now, most of you know, I don't have even a little bit of desire to get pregnant and have a baby. It's like a parasitic alien growing in your body and then you have to push the thing out. Why would I want to do that? I told him him we would talk about it later. Like after I get back from my year long research trip to Russia. He says he just wants to see what a little Stacia would be like. Moody. Never leave her room except to go to the library (funny story: when I was 12 my parents grounded me FROM BOOKS! Yes, I was that big of a nerd that that was the only effective punishment. Except that I had hidden books under my mattress and would read after they went to bed). I just feel that my genes are defective enough that I don't want to pass them on to someone else (my grandma suffers from depression, one of my uncles suffers from depression, my mom suffers from depression, of the 10 grandkids, at least 5 of us have been diagnosed with some sort of depression or social anxiety. Do you see a pattern here?) But, when he mentioned it, I didn't feel upset or an absolute no. I felt very indifferent, so I guess that's a start in the right direction! It might end of being one of those things where if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. We'll see. Since we live in two different states right now anyway, it doesn't really matter.

Ok, on to that paper.

Stress factors

I've been sick all weekend. Saturday I just thought it was allergies. Sunday, I had a tension headache and a sinus headache at the same time with some serious stomach issues (ok, they only felt serious). Monday, I went to class, came home from class and slept 2 hours. Both Sunday and Monday I was in bed before 9:00p. Yesterday I felt fine. So, I don't know what it was, but I'm not happy about any of it. Why am I not happy about it:

Today I'm meeting with my advisor. I need to update her on what I've done for my dissertation proposal. I've done. . . . . . . . .practically nothing. Yes, you read that right. It is already the middle of the semester and I've done less than a quarter of what I need to do. I was going to spend last weekend playing catch-up: then I got sick. Now, I'm just going to have to get used to getting less sleep. I have to be prepared for my pre-lims.

Yesterday, I taught. I also received an e-mail from a student that stated he wouldn't be able to come to class because he had a make-up exam for another class. Well, that explains why you weren't there yesterday, but what about the other 5 weeks? Yes, this student has NEVER attended class, so why he feels a need to try to excuse himself now, I don't know. Another students also sent me an e-mail stating he wouldn't be attending because he had a bad sinus infection. This is the second time he's missed because of a sinus infection. He also missed the first week, because he didn't realize we had class and then he missed last week because of Rosh Hoshanah. So, out of 6 weeks, he's attended twice and given me 4 weeks of excuses. What am I supposed to do with these students?

Ok, I need to start playing catch-up.
Stacia

My choice

This is the winner, as far as I'm concerned. That cut and color. It's understated, classy and I would look great in it. I know it doesn't scream "princess for a day" but that's not what I'm really looking for. Besides, after I marry Wes, I'll be treated like a princess every day. Let me know what you think.

Bridal hell

Everyone knows I've been looking at wedding dresses on-line, and while I've found plenty that were beautiful (if non-descript), there were a few that made me go huh? Here are a few.

Did you realize that the reception was more than you budgeted for? Are you running out to the nearest corner after the ceremony to help cover costs? (I did see a few that were worst, but couldn't find them again when looking).







Did a purple Kleenex box throw up on you? And yes, this was under wedding dresses, not brides maid's dresses.








This lovely number: what can I say? Did they feel it was too boring and so at the last minute, when they saw the cake decorator go by, grab him and ask him to fix up the dress?












And finally, this lovely number on the left. Even my military boyfriend thought the description of this dress was beyond tacky. The scary thing, it was described as being a best-seller. I'm praying that means they made two and sold both of them.





So, what does a very picky girl like myself see myself wearing. Stay tuned, and I'll show you my choices tomorrow.

Can't think of a title

Yesterday. Saturday's are homework days. Only, I'm not getting nearly enough done. It drives me crazy. I know I feel like this every semester, but before, I always had a few more semesters to worry about it. I don't this time. I'm finishing my classes in the spring, and the stuff I need to get done, I need to get now. So, less sleep it is.

Yesterday was also a bad day. Wes had called me Friday night and said he was going out with the other guys in officer school. No big deal. He told me he would call me when he got home. Not something I really wanted him to do, since I knew I would be asleep, but whatever. Well, I didn't get a call waking me up. And then I didn't get a call all day. And I was starting to freak out, because I thought he had done something wrong (another girl) and didn't want to call me because of that. Camille told me he had just probably drank too much and was still sleeping. Thankfully, Camille was right. But I was still pissed. Usually, I would just have given the silent treatment and then 3 weeks from now picked a totally unrelated, random fight and it would have been really bad. But that strategy always seems to back-fire on me, so I just yelled at him now. He had admitted that he deserved it, even before I yelled at him, so it wasn't like me yelling was going to start a fight. (I hate starting fights). So I yelled for about 3 sentences and that was that. I felt much better and then we had a normal conversation. He also said he expected me to be more mean, but it's not like what he did was horrible. He just made me worry. So from now on, this is how I will handle my anger.

I guess last night I mentioned my blog to Wes. He asked for the blog site. I told him no. I mean, this is my journal and if I knew he were reading it, it might not be so therapeutic. But then I yet back and read all my blog entries, from the very beginning, and I don't want him to see all that right now either. Maybe later. He argued that maybe it would help him understand me more, but there's other ways for him to figure me out. It was kind of fun seeing the evolution of my relationship with Wes. In one of my first blogs I put "not in a million years" regarding him. My, time flies.

Today is my day "off" from homework. So instead, I'm going to clean and get groceries and go to church and read the paper. I also have to finish the book I was reading yesterday for homework, but that should not take long: I'm in the last chapter. But I hope everyone's having a great weekend.

Stacia

Guilt

It's Friday, and I'd be more excited if I didn't have so much to do this weekend. Oh well. Eventually I will not be a graduate student and I'll have my weekends all to myself: and my husband: and my stepkids: and my own kids. Boy, I'm so excited and have so much to look forward to (yes, this is extreme sarcasm at this point.)

I love my office mates. Today, with the door wide open, we proceeded to talk about: tampons, cologne, sex and those naughty pictures of ourselves that our men have. This is really a typical conversation for us, and one of these days, one of our students is going to be in the hallway, where I'm sure they'll be able to hear everything because we're all loud when we get together. Boy, that will make explaining the alienation of the elite class in 19th century Russia a little uncomfortable.

My sister wants to be a bride's maid. I don't have a huge problem with this, except that I just really don't care. I already told Wes that we're going to piss a lot of people off, because, quite frankly, I don't care if anyone shows up, I don't want to pay for a big reception, and I'm not inviting anyone. A few special friends and family members will receive phone calls with the date and time and location, and everyone else will receive announcements after the fact. I don't care if I receive gifts, I don't care if you don't speak to me, I don't care that there won't be alcohol there (neither one of our families drinks). All I care about is that I get to marry Wes and be his wife. Yes, I want to look good, but honestly, I could show up in jeans and a t-shirt and he would think I looked beautiful. I do want my family there, but if they can't make it, I'm still getting married. So I'm sorry blog-land, but you're not receiving invites!!!

Today, after class, the student that was supposed to give a presentation on Tuesday came up and asked me if he could reschedule his presentation since he didn't make it on Tuesday. Aaaaa, no. It's Friday today. You couldn't have shot me an e-mail on Tuesday?

Well, that's about it. I should do some homework, but instead I think I'm going to pour myself a run and coke.

Stacia

Letter to Wes

I've been sitting at home all morning, doing homework, and thinking about how much I miss you. I wish that when you get out of school, that you would be able to come home to me and we could have dinner together and cuddle on the couch and talk and just be together. I miss you so much and I can't wait until we're able to actually be physically together every day. When we first starting dating, people would ask me if I could imagine my life without you, and I had imagined my life alone so long and often that I could. But now, I can't really think about my future without you. I know I could do it, but I don't want to. I want you to be with me no matter happens: the good times, the bad times, and all the boring, normal times in between. I love you so much and I'm so glad you had the guts to tell me how you felt about me. Thank you for loving me and taking such good care of me. I feel so lucky and I hope that I never make you doubt your decision to love me.

Sections suck

Today I had to teach. I was still tired from my weekend. Yesterday I came home and slept for two hours after lunch. I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Today, we read Pushkin's Eugene Onegin and Woe for Wit (not Pushkin, but I don't remember who wrote it). These are both great (ok, good) pieces of Russian literature, but I'm teaching history. Needless to say, it was a very difficult day. It was very hard to relate these two works to what we've been discussing in lecture. And to top it off, one of the students, who was supposed to present TODAY didn't show up. And he didn't even e-mail me to let me know he wouldn't be there. Now, I know he's Jewish and I know that it's Rosh Hashanah (happy New Year's to my Jewish readers), but he should have e-mailed me. I can't work with him after the fact. And I don't think he was at service anyway, because I saw him walk by 20 minutes into class. He just never joined us. Anyway, my last section only lasted 20 minutes and I gave up and sent them home.

I guess that's it. I just needed to vent. I have a ton of homework, but I doubt I'll do any of it tonight.

Seattle weekend

The weekend was wonderful, but very, very hectic and I am exhausted. I'm sorry I didn't get to call you Minnie!!! There was no time. So here's a few pictures: if you want to see all the pictures (54 in all), leave a comment with your e-mail address and I'll e-mail you the link. I used a different site this time and you have to be personally invited to view the album.
Anyway. I got to Seattle on Wed. night, late, so that night we just went to bed. Thursday morning the movers came and packed all of Wes's stuff. Then we took the ferry to Seattle (ok, we weren't actually in Seattle). The weather was absolutely crappy. Rainy and cold. We visited the butterfly exhibit at the science center and then just hung around for a bit before dinner at the Space Needle. The observation deck was cool, but since it was dark and cloudy, there wasn't too much to see. The food was ok, but not worth the price. Then we drove home (2 hour drive). Since the movers had taken all of Wes's stuff, we slept on the floor. The next day, I got to go aboard the aircraft carrier he had been on. It's being updated, so it was tore up, but it was still cool. I got to visit the captain's quarters and this particular aircraft carrier had been the first one to bomb Afghanistan (before Wes was on it) so the NYPD had presented the ship with the American flag from the World Trade center. Yes, that American flag. I got to see it, but it was behind 3 layers of glass, so I didn't take any pictures of that. That afternoon was the commissioning ceremony. It was a double ceremony. The captain was there, and about 200 other people. It went really well. I got to pin his new bars on him. His new official title is "Ensign." (he bought me a book about being a military wife, but I haven't read it yet. After I have, I can explain all this). After the ceremony, the captain came up to me and introduced himself and told me what a great guy Wes was and what a great future he had. Then there was a reception, where we emptied a keg in less than an hour (there were a lot of people there). Everyone came up to me, knew who I was, and told me what a great guy Wes was. That felt really, really good. I was very proud of him. Very, very proud.
That night we stayed at a hotel and the next morning he flew out before me. I met with one of my friends who used to live here in Madison and I haven't seen her in 2 years. It was great seeing her, but I think her husband is a complete asshole. At least it's not me married to him. I got home at 11:30pm last night and slept until noon today. I am still a little tired and will probably be in bed before 10:00p. But I wanted to let everyone know what a great weekend I had. Even though I didn't see any mountains in Washington. Everyone keeps telling me they are there, but I'm not convinced. Oh yeah, flying first class wasn't too shabby either. And yes, Wes is only a couple of inches taller than me. But he's still sexy. And he hates all these pictures, but I think they're good. Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Take-off

I think I have everything packed. I mean, I have 3 pairs of pants, 1 skirt, 5 shirts, 4 pair of socks, 3 bras, and 6 pairs of panties. Yes, I know I'll only be gone for 2 1/2 days, but I wasn't sure about the weather. And, I'm taking several outfits so Wes can choose what he wants me to wear for his commissioning ceremony. Where, by the way, I get to pins his new bars on him. (He wanted to call me his fiance in the ceremony and program, but no ring, no deal). I'm also taking my new trench coat. Even if it doesn't rain, I think I'll find a reason to wear it ;) I also have 3 books packed and 6 articles to read (one in Russian, the rest in English). I have my plane tickets and I've taken the trash out. I almost forgot to pack the gift I bought for Tonya in Russia, but I remembered this morning. I have shampoo, conditioner, hairspary, goop, makeup, deodorant. I think I have everything, and if not, I'll just have to do without. I also remembered my camera and a couple of different purses. I think I'm set. I'm very excited and can't wait to update you when I get home. But first, I have to go to lecture. Fun, fun, fun.

See you all next week.

Zaftra, zaftra, ya lublu, tebya zaftra. . .

you're only a day away. Tomorrow is a big day. I get to fly first class, and I get to see Wes. Ok, those were not in order of importance. I'm very excited and feel like I have a ton of stuff to do before I leave. I teach today too, and one of the students who is supposed to present today, didn't show up for class last week. We'll see if she remembers she's supposed to present. I hope today goes by quickly. I hope so. I've never been to Washington state before, so I'm really excited. Thursday we're going to Seattle and we're going to have dinner at the, I don't remember what it's called, is it the space-needle? Then Friday, I get to see the air-craft carrier he was on. I actually get a tour of it. That's really cool. And Saturday, I get to see my friend Tonya, who I haven't seen in 2 years. I'm super excited about that. But I won't be updating until I get back. Which reminds me. Come on people, update already!!! What am I supposed to read when I'm trying to avoid my homework? You're letting me down.

Camille, the pictures were great, but I think you should probably really exam why you feel a need to always e-mail at least one picture of your boobs. Although, I have to admit, it cracks me up!!!

Feeling a bit blue. . .

If you could see me, that joke would be funnier. I'm completely dressed in blue, I guess because that is how I feel. It's raining again today, and while it is nice, it's a little depressing too. I have so many thoughts and feelings swirling around, that I just don't know if today's blog is going to make much sense.

I cleaned my apartment today. It looks beautiful. But part of me has to wonder if this isn't my way of maintaining control over something. See, I suffer from chronic mild depression and one symptom of depression is that you also have to be in control, because you feel like you aren't in control of your emotions, so you have to be in control everywhere else. Well, while I'm alone, my strange compulsions are fine: I'm alone, but now, I'm not alone anymore. I have to fit in another person and I have to be willing to allow my feelings and emotions to be out of my total control. I have to take a risk, and it really scares me. It's only been the last couple of years that I felt like my life and emotions were in my control, and now I'm giving that up. Voluntarily. Am I insane???? I guess my mama was right: when you meet the right person, everything changes. But, I have to wonder if I'm going to be able to be in a relationship without being a control freak. I don't want to be a control freak. Wes thinks I'm doing fine. He knows all about my "issues." I am so thankful for him and I love him so much. Last night, he offered to pull a credit check on himself so I can see that he's not lying about his credit. He will lay out all his financial stuff so I know what exactly he owes and how long it will take to pay off. I've obviously been screwed in this area before. But I didn't ask him, he offered. I thought that was so sweet. He even told me that as soon as he settles into his new place after he transfers (in Nov.) that he'll just send his paycheck and all his bills to me, and I can put him on an allowance and take care of everything. Actually, I don't want that much control. At least not right now. I think that would be a bit stressful. I have my own finances to worry about. But I thought it was nice that he thought it would be a good idea. I get to see him on Wed. and I can't wait.

From what I can figure. . .

Like the rest of you, I have seriously been trying to figure out what was going on in Wes's usually highly functioning brain when he called Charley this summer, and why he's now in denial about how stupid that was. I think there are a number of factors going on here. Let's start with 1, probably the easiest and the longest. There are two parts to part one (is everybody following me here). Let's start with part a) Charley quit talking to Wes about 3 1/2 years ago. Now, Charley and I had broke up 5 years ago, so when Charley quit talking to Wes, his excuse of not wanting to be in contact with him because Wes was still friends with me baffled Wes. Wes had seen Charley since we had broken up and so this just did not make sense. Wes really, really wanted to figure out what was going on. b) due to Wes's losing (I hate that term in regards to dead people. It makes it sound like we weren't careful enough with them and therefore their death was our fault. And, if we look really hard and long, we might find them again. Likewise, when I hear people ask if I've found Jesus, I want to respond that I haven't had time to look, but I think I left him under the couch) both his brother and mom before the age of 25 he has a very overdeveloped sense of friendship and loyalty. Therefore, I think at the most basic level, the level that Wes was thinking at, he called Charley because they were friends and Wes didn't understand why that had changed and he wanted to know why it had.

2. (that paragraph was just getting too long) I think Wes wanted to (at a subconscious level) let Charley know that I now belong to him. Yes, it's base, it's course and slightly degrading, but Wes is a man.

3. Concerning the denial part. I think Wes grossly underestimated the chemistry between Charley and I. I don't thinks he's admitted this to himself either, but I think he's somewhat afraid that I might leave him for Charley. It would never happen, but I understand why that would be a fear. Therefore, if he denies that Charley has an issue with us dating, then it means that Charley is over me and wouldn't take me back even if I wanted him. And if I think Charley is over me, because Wes keeps telling me so, then I wouldn't think about going back. Guy logic.

Soooooo, I think that's the extent of it. However, I think if I asked him, he would deny 2 and 3. Although, he has admitted to number 3 in a round-about way before. I don't blame him, but seriously, it's his own fault for calling Charley to begin with.

I really want a nap right now. I should do homework, but. . . .

How does that work again?

I was talking to Wes last night about Andrea. And he was very surprised that she wasn't snarky on the phone to me and that she seems much happier now that she realizes she's married and her man isn't going anywhere. He claims that our relationship obviously made her evaluate herself, her life and her relationship and that she must still have a few problems with the situation that will probably come out later. I mentioned a certain someone else who must obviously have problems with our relationship and who might act out at a later date. His reply: not gonna happen. Huh??? Let me get this straight. The girl who was in love with Wes for more than 10 years, but never dated him and is now happily married to someone she has dated for more than 4 years is having a harder time with our relationship than my ex, whom I lived with, talked about marrying, and who has tried to get me back at least once a year since we broke up 5 years ago (the last time being July 2004), and refuses to talk about me still. Is this a simple case of male ego on Wes's part, or does he know something he's not telling me? I think Wes realized he screwed up bad when he called Charley. He did admit last night that he is no longer initiating any phone calls to Charley. He said he talks to him if he calls, but other than that, he's trying to let the whole thing fade away. Is that because he realized it bothered me, or because he realized that the whole thing bothered Charley. I'm not sure. I was starting to wonder if the only reason Charley didn't freak out was to keep tabs on our relationship. I mean, it's hard to find out if people are still dating if you refuse to speak to either one of them. Whatever the case is, Wes did mention that Charley would not be informed of our wedding date, and might not even find out the relationship is that serious until after the wedding. Ok, but you think he's fine with the whole thing? Whatever!!! Sometimes men are really weird. Oh, and Minnie, yes I told her! Her reply to the second question was, "I'm not surprised."

Yesterday, I read a book for school. And it felt like that was all I did. It wasn't, but how am I supposed to read more than 500 books before next April if I can't get to more than one a day? Life if frustrating. But, thanks to a link Camille sent me, I think I found my dress, or at least the style I really like. I can't figure out how to get the link here, other than typing it out, and that just ain't going to happen right now.

Finally, for your amusement. I've taken a new interest in removing hair from my bikini line. It's because. . . I swim. . .yeah, that's why. Anyway, I bought some Nad's because I wanted it to be smooth and pretty. . . because I swim. Step one in the directions should be: drink a couple of vodka shots, because this is going to hurt like hell. It says you can do this yourself, but in reality, you really need to have a sadistic friend over to pull out your hair. Did I mention it hurts? So, one side of my bikini line looks pretty good. And. . . half of the other side looks ok. I just couldn't finish. It hurt so bad. I wanted to cry. Tonight, vodka shots and cleaning up the rest, and by the rest, I mean the rest, because, you know, I swim!

I hope everyone out there has a great Friday. I know I will, because I'm Mr. Brightside!
Stacia

My boyfriend

By the end of my trip to Russia, everybody was claiming that Lenin was my boyfriend. These are just a few of the different Lenin statues/likenesses I took pictures of. For those of you who don't understand my obsession with Lenin, I am a Ph.D student in USSR history, and I study the Lenin period. There was so much hope during that time and excitement that things would be different and amazing. Sadly, it didn't quite work out that way. But, communism is a huge part of their history, and many towns still have statues of him up. From left to right: Kostroma, Russia; Goritsi, Russia; in front of a cake factory, in Moscow, Russia; and VDKhN park, Moscow, Russia. And yeah, I'm trying to cop a feel in that one picture!

Yesterday I talked to my friend Andrea. For those of you who don't remember, Andrea has been friends with Wes longer than I have, and she also had a thing for him for a very long time. Apparently her marriage is going good, because she didn't make any snarky comments this time. Although, she asked me if I slept with Wes. That was weird. Then she wanted to know if it was good. Even weirder. I wasn't sure what to say.

Today, I don't have to be on campus. So I went and got the oil changed, picked up a package at the post-office, got groceries and now I'm just doing lots and lots of homework (as I type this: I'm good like that). If anyone wants to know about the rise of the Russian intelligentsia in the 18th and 19th centuries, please, let me know. I can tell you everything you want to know.

Stacia

Justification

This is how I'm going to justify looking for a dress now. Since we don't want a big wedding, we've decided we'll probably decide less than 2 months in advance when the wedding will be, ect. That leaves enough time to get plane tickets and plan a big, informal party, but not enough time to buy a dress. So, I'll just start looking until I find the perfect dress and then I'll buy it. Sounds good to me.

I swam a mile today. I haven't swam in a week and I think I've only swam a mile twice since I've been back from Russia. I felt really good, but when I walked into my office after swimming, they looked at me and wanted to know what happened to me. Guess I didn't look as good as I felt.

And today, one of the students who had signed up for the wrong stuff for the presentation came up to me today. Since I'm not a despot, I let him move his presentation. The other student will not be so lucky, because he still hasn't gotten back to me.

I see Wes in a week.

This is why

I didn't want to get engaged until I was ready to get married. Because I'm already looking at dresses and worrying about crap when I'm not even engaged. What is wrong with me???? Although, I'm finding some very pretty dresses. My parents won't pay for a second wedding, but said if they like the guy, they might pay for the dress. I think that's fair. I need to call them and find out how much that is. And, if my sister gets married next year too, I might not get the dress. Oh well, we'll figure something out.

Yesterday, yesterday was my day to teach. YAY!!!! Not. I got to my office yesterday and my two favorite office-mates were there. We sat and talked for a couple of hours (ok, maybe only and hour and a half), but we got on the subject of blogs and then we started swapping blog pages. So, HI to my new readers!!!! You know who you are. And I should mention, these are the coolest girls ever. We laugh a lot, which is very important as a grad student. Speaking of grad students; I think I crushed Sean's spirit yesterday. He's a Russian historian and he's a fifth year, without his MA, which means he's lucky they still let him enroll. (it should take three years at the longest). Yesterday, he told me, sadly, that he thought he was going to finish his thesis. I asked him why he was so sad about this. He told me he had had such hopes and dreams for his thesis, but now, he was just going to finish it without it being the work of art he wanted it to be. Instead of being understanding, I blurted out: Welcome to life!

Classes went well yesterday for the most part. I think I mentioned earlier that in one section four people signed up for the wrong stuff for presentations. I sent out an e-mail immediately, and two people responded to that, leaving two people who didn't. On Monday, right after I spilled my 32 ounce mug of tea everywhere, I announced that if they had signed up for the wrong stuff, to see me. No one did. Yesterday in section, I announced that there were at least 2 people who were signed up for the wrong stuff, and to see me or, GET A ZERO ON THEIR PRESENTATION GRADE. Wanna guess how many people saw me after class? Well, you're wrong. NO ONE DID! So now, I'm probably going to have to deal with pissed off students later in the semester. Oh well. What did they want, me to come to their houses and do the presentation for them? They're adults and seniors and they need to pay attention.

I'm so excited, I'm going swimming today. And also, I get to see Wes in a week.
have a great one,
Stacia

Let's try this

again.

Hey, it worked! What do you know? It wasn't me, it was the computer. Anyway, these are pictures of the two cathedrals on Kizhi Island in Northern Russia. They were built in the in mid-1600s and they are made entirely out of wood and not painted. They have turned silver and gold due to their age and the some sort of water process. They are also on the World Heritage Site, which means they receive international money to help with their upkeep because they're just so cool. The island is beautiful and very peaceful, but because only about 50 people live on the island (if that) and all for tourist reasons, so the vodka is very expensive. I mean everything was very expensive there. Although there was an artist there who did beautiful watercolors and acrylic of the island. He had very realistic looking ones, but also paintings in very bright colors that were obviously for children. When I go back, I'm going to buy some.

Alright, that's your Russian history lesson for the day. I have to teach today and not really looking forward to it. One of the classes I teach has royally screwed up and the result is that three or four people may just get zeros on their presentations because they didn't sign up for the correct stuff. I hate confrontations though and I know at least one student is going to challenge me on that. I may be the TA, but I'm still only the TA, you know. I'm also trying to get back on track for school stuff. I have so much to do, but I'm trying not to panic. It's too early to panic.

I'm going to go panic now,

Stacia

Dirt particles

So, my first weekend Wesless has passed and I have survived. Friday night I went out with friends for dinner. Saturday, I did homework. I can tell I'm out of practice. It took forever and it really shouldn't have. I didn't get nearly as much done as I wanted to. Yesterday was rather interesting. The friend I picked up from the airport on Friday and went out with that night was here to present a paper in a conference. Well, someone else was also here for the conference. Let's call him . . . someone else. I had had a crush on this someone else last year. However, I knew he would not be here this year and he had an on again/off again relationship with someone else. However, it was very clear that he had a thing for me too. Well, my friend called me Sunday morning and told me that someone else really wanted to see me. I went to their presentation and then we all went out to lunch. Someone else grilled me about my relationship with Wes. And I do mean grilled. It was good seeing him though. I was reminded why I had a crush on him to begin with, but I was glad that I'm with Wes. It was a good affirmation. Then I came home and cleaned my apartment for THREE HOURS! I have a small one bedroom and it really wasn't all that dirty. However, the blinds above my bed were starting to look like they were growing fur to stay warm for the winter. I've been meaning to clean those since I moved in (2 years ago). And, since I keep waking up unable to breath and with a sinus headache, I finally decided to do it. It was disgusting!!!! But they look really good now and I slept really well last night.

That was pretty much my weekend. I miss Wes so much. I told him we weren't getting married for 2 years, but I think we might have to do it next fall. Anyone know a place where I can get a classy red or silver dress (or even green). I'm not wearing white. Already did that. Also, Wes and I finally talked about Charley. He thought that by bringing up Charley I could work through any unresolved issues. But I don't have any unresolved issues. At least not any that can be worked out by myself. I love Charley but because he's a dumbass, I can't be with him. And since I don't think I could ever trust him again, it's not like I would ever leave Wes for him. However, and I didn't tell Wes this, I would like to HEAR Charley admit that he's a dumbass. I guess I kind of want him to be pissed that Wes and I are seeing each other. Maybe it's just a pride thing. But I admitted to Charley that my depression played a large part in our break-up and I apologized for not getting it treated sooner. I would like to hear him admit that his addiction to drugs played a large part in our break-up and apologize for the fact that regardless of that fact that he says he wants to quit, he won't. Is that really too much to ask???? (I realize the answer is yes). I don't think I'll ever get that. But, I told Wes that if he wants me to talk about Charley less, he needs to quit telling me when he talks to Charley and what they talk about. He agreed. Hopefully, this will be the end of the issue. Somehow, I doubt it will be.

Finally, I guess I should stick a few pictures here, if I can figure out how to do it. Ok, I've technically added pictures twice and they've told me both times that they were here. I don't see any pictures. Do you? Someone help me out here.

thanks,
Stacia

What to do?

What am I going to do this weekend without anyone here? Since I got back from Russia, I pretty much haven't been alone, and I lived with people in Russia. I have to admit, it feels funny to be here by myself. So, what will I do?

I determined during the summer that I will take one day a week off from school work. Doing this will actually increase my productivity the rest of the week, and I won't feel like I never have any fun. Sundays will be my "free" day, mostly because I go to church. So today, I'm going to try to catch up on all the little school things I didn't do when Wes was here. That includes: filling out my minor form so I can finally turn it in and be through with my minor (sociology); going through my pre-lim list for Lou and making it shorter; e-mailing Lou about the list and make an appointment to see her; decide what I'm going to read next on Lou's list; finish reading stuff for the class I'm teaching; finish reading the book I'm reading for Fran's pre-lim list; make a list for my dissertation proposal and decide what to read next on that; make a list for David; go through all the articles I have for David and start to work on the paper that was due to him 2 years ago (I have to finish it this semester); work on my German; work on my Russian; find out if my transcript from this summer have been delivered to UW yet, and if yes, what I need to do to have my Russian requirement fulfilled with that. I also need to go to Walgreen's and return the videos to the store.

Since Sunday is going to be my "day off" I'm going to always clean on Sundays. That actually makes me feel better because I work much better in a clean and organized environment. Also, I live in a small one bedroom, so it's not like it takes that much time to clean. I think my "regular" schedule for Sundays will be: clean, get groceries, swim, cook/eat, read paper, talk to mom, go to church (evening service) and maybe even read for fun (I've forgotten what that is). I might throw an occasional nap in there too. Since Arrested Development moved to Mondays, there's really not much to watch on TV on Sundays, which is ok. The only shows I really like are Arrested Development, Scrubs, and House. I need to start checking the listings for cool stuff on PBS too. I always realize they had something cool on after the fact.

I guess that's it. And now that I've figured out how to post pictures, I'll probably post of few of my Russian trip. Other than that, I'm not doing much. I guess I should get started.

have a great weekend,
Stacia

To cheer me up

I needed some cheering up, so I'm posting some recent pics of my new look. I chopped all the hair off and dyed it. I feel much sexier now. What do you think?

Long weekend

alone. Wes left this morning. It was very hard to say good-bye. I'll see him in just two weeks, but still this is harder than I thought it would be. I've heard that you shouldn't marry the person you think you can live with, but the one you can't live without. Well, I think that's a bunch of crap because I've lived alone for 5 years and didn't think I could live with anyone every again. I could easily live with Wes. And that alone says a lot about us. And, I could live without him, but I don't want to. I want to be with him. So, I guess the trip was successful.

But, this morning was very emotional and stressful. I started my period yesterday, so I was already a little bit of a wreck. Then, after saying good-bye, I get to work, and one of my office-mates/friend' boyfriend dumped her last night. And one of our other office-mates (who I don't know that well) is also going through a break-up. Her and her girlfriend have been together for 4 years, so it's more like a divorce. Needless to say, the office atmosphere wasn't very happy.

Now, I just want to take a really long nap. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. But, I have to pick up my friend from the airport in less than 2 hours, so I think I'll just clean the apartment now, and sleep after I pick her up. At least I get to see her this weekend. I haven't seen her since May. We're having dinner tonight. After that, it will be a very lonely weekend.

hope everyone else is doing better,
Stacia

Saying good-bye, postponed

Wes decided he didn't want to leave today. So he's leaving tomorrow. It's nice that he's going to be here an extra day, but I had really prepared myself that he was leaving today. I also made plans to go drinking with my friends, and I can't really cancel that because I already bailed on her last week because Wes was here. But, at least he can pick me up so I don't have to worry about how much I drink. And I have plans tomorrow night, so it'll help me not realize he's gone until Saturday. And then, I'm so far behind in all my school stuff, because he was here, that I'll just be super busy anyway. He does have to leave tomorrow. He has a flight from Florida to Washington on Sunday he has to make. (don't ask, it has to do with him being commissioned as an officer and then being transferred from Washington to Virginia).

Now. . . .let's complain about students. I know school has only been in for 2 weeks, but good grief. One of the books assigned is out of print. So the very first week of class I made announcements in class and sent e-mails that the book was out of print but it was available on Amazon. I also made announcements that there are about 20 copies in the library. Tuesday I get to class (I teach 4 of them) and there was someone in EVERY SINGLE CLASS who asked where they could get the book. I'm so glad I sent out that e-mail. Then, they have to do presentations, so I asked them to sign up. I announced that they couldn't do presentations over the textbook, only the other readings. In one class, FIVE PEOPLE signed up to do presentations over the textbook. I immediately sent out an e-mail telling them they had to re-sign up. I've received an e-mail back from ONE STUDENT. But, at least two people are going to have to give presentations next week, because if they don't, there won't be anything else for them to give presentations on. So, is it my responsibility to e-mail them all individually to let them know they messed up? How does that work? Sometimes I wonder how old these students really are.

Finally, I hope God bitch slaps those people who stand on campus and let us all know that God hates us all and we're all going to hell. That strategy works so well that I saw the ENTIRE campus fall to their knees in repentance. (that was sarcasm just in case you couldn't tell). I am a Christian and try to live by the words of the Bible. I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. I believe that Jesus is the son of God and died for my sins. I believe that believing in Jesus is the ONLY way to gain salvation. I have read the entire Bible several times, and I try to read it on a regular basis. I have NEVER read anywhere in the Bible that God hates anybody. I have read that He hates sin, but that He loves the sinner. The Bible says we are supposed to tell it like it is, but it also says that GOD LOVES US. It also says it is His compassion that brings us to repentance. I will never understand these people who paint God as a judgmental, hateful, hurtful, violent God and then wonder why nobody rushes to worship him. They give God and the rest of Christians such a bad name, and I honestly believe that God is going to hold them responsible for the damage they did to His cause.

Ok, even though all I technically have today is a five minute presentation, I do have a ton of homework. I hope everyone has a great day.

Stacia

Saying good-bye

Wes is leaving tomorrow. I don't want him to leave. I want him to stay and for us to get a bigger place to live and for him to get a good job and his kids to miraculously appear and for us to get married. It's not that we've had a "great" time together. We really haven't done anything outside of everyday routine. We didn't even go see a movie or go to the Farmer's market. We just did the normal things people do everyday, day after day. It's going to be hard to say good-bye, even though I'll see him again in two weeks. We're trying not to talk about it too much. The apartment is going to seem very empty after he is gone. Although, I'll probably get a lot more homework done. I hate long distance relationships.

On another note. I taught yesterday and it went really, really well. Except, only 3 (out of 8) people showed up for my last class. And I only received an e-mail from one of them. It's a little hard to teach when that happens. Thankfully, all three of them had read, and we were able to discuss. We were actually there for 40 (out of 50) minutes. Not bad.

Ok, I guess I should get ready for the day,
Stacia

Normality

something I've never really had with anyone else. But I have it with Wes. We've seen to fall into a domestic pattern that suits us very well. Who would have thought? I've been alone for 5 years and certainly didn't think it would be this easy to get along with someone else in my space, especially since we're in my small 1 bedroom apartment. But it's working pretty well. For example, yesterday, I picked up the apartment while he faxed/e-mailed some stuff he needed to for school. We then went shopping at Old Navy where I again spent a ton of money. Next, lunch, then came home and while I took a short nap, he did the dishes. Then I read for school for a couple of hours while he also read. Then we watched a couple of movies. It was a perfect day. We didn't do anything too exciting (ok, I left a few activities out), but it was nice. I was happy and content. Today will be similar. We need to get groceries and do the laundry. And a bunch of school stuff. I think today will be good too. That makes me happy!

So, off to the day,
Stacia

The envious green giant.

We're going to discuss Charley today. When Wes told Charley about us, he didn't freak out or say anything mean, and he has called Wes several times since then. But he never brings up me or the relationship and that was kind of bugging me because I couldn't figure out why. It finally dawned on me: he thinks I'm going to dump Wes. When I asked Wes about this, he confirmed that Charley had made a point of telling Wes that he (Charley) would be there for Wes when I dumped him, just like I dumped Charley. This upset me for 2 reasons. First, Charley dumped me. However, he has come back several times trying to get me back. He told me that he had expected me to wait for him and take him back, and when I didn't, he referred to that as me dumping him. Grow up!!! Second, it means he doesn't think Wes is as good as him, and thus, can't keep me either. And that kind of pissed me off too. We're wondering now, if Charley intends to try to "console" me also, after I dump Wes of course. We're also wondering when Charley is going to start asking Wes if we've broken up yet. Guess we'll just have to wait and see. But, since Charley pissed me off, he also lost something, and maybe he didn't know he had it, but I think he did. Wes and I have been having issues because I love Wes, but I'm not necessarily "in love" with him. You see, I still love Charley. And I wanted Charley to be special. I wanted him to always have a special place in my heart. I didn't want to love anyone else the same way and with the same passion I loved Charley. Now, screw that. Why, because he expects and wants the relationship between Wes and I to fail, and honestly, Wes is the best thing that's ever happened to me. He's stable, he has a job, he's a great dad, he's a great friend, he treats me like a queen, and he loves me. And shouldn't Charley want that for me, even if he can't have me. And I am falling in love with Wes. The last two weeks has been wonderful. We've gotten along so well. So, I don't think Charley's going to need to console Wes any time soon.

This weekend

I am tired and my back hurts!!! I had a great weekend, but yesterday was really busy and my apartment has stacks of papers and books all over it. See, I got this new notebook computer and my old desktop is so old that it kept crashing. So, what do I need it for? It was only eating up space in my apartment. Yesterday, Wes and I went and bought a new office chair (greatly needed) and 2 tall bookcases (needed even more). We moved all my documents and stuff from my old computer to new, put the old one in storage, took my old work desk out to the dumpster and put together the 2 bookcases. After I put all the books I own on the bookcases, there won't be any space left on them (I already had 6 fully stuffed bookcases in the apartment). So, there is stuff everywhere, but by the end of the week, it will be much more conducive for studying. I just wish we had done it sooner so that today, when I start teaching, the apartment would already look great. Oh well.

Today, I start teaching. Well, really, it's just an introduction day. I hand out a few things and tell them how much work they'll have to do. It should be fine. And Wes is going to do the dishes while I'm gone.

hope everyone has a great week. Mickey's girl, praying that the test results come back negative. Don't forget to check out my Russian photos from yesterday!

Stacia

My pictures

Hi everyone! I hope everyone is having a great weekend. I finally got my pictures on a web page, so click on the link and take a look. They're not really in order so if you have any questions, let me know. Also let me know if you have any problems getting there.

Stacia

I am the champion!

Yesterday Wes wanted to play more of AOE. I won two games (and these are death matches) in less than 2 hours. Yeah, I'm good like that. Then we played a third game, with a harder map (islands) and after 3 hours we decided to quit. I could have won, but I was getting tired of playing and of spanking Wes. He really sucks at the game.

The first day of class. I couldn't believe how many people showed up even though it was the Friday before, ok, I guess you know. The professor is such a good lecturer: I'm so lucky to be his TA. But, he said we're going to have sections on Tuesday, and I thought, since it was the first week, we wouldn't have sections next week, just class. That's ok. I got all my stuff turned in for the TA job, so I'll get paid. I got the desk I wanted in my office (I share with 4 other people). My library carrel sucks though. There's a ton of empty ones, and they made me share with someone (it's kind of like a little cage in the library), and the door sticks really bad. (I was throwing myself against it and it wouldn't open). I think I'm going to ask them if I can get a new one. I also spoke to my advisor. She was excited about what a good time I had in Russia (I'll work on getting a webpage for the pictures this weekend). We discussed pre-lims and dissertations. It looks like it would make more sense for me to not go to Russia right away next fall for a year of research. What I'll probably do is go over for the summer and check out archives. Then I'll apply for funding for the following year. During the year I'm in the states, I'll just go to various archives we have here (Hoover institute: Harvard) and get all my preliminary research done. I like that anyway. It doesn't feel as stressful.

Well, I have no exciting plans this weekend. I think a little laundry, get groceries, and homework. I'll also work on those pictures. I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend.

Stacia

First day of class

I don't know who decided this, but today is the first day of the fall semester. Yes, the Friday before Labor Day weekend (with Monday off) is the first day of the fall semester. So, the university expects students to show up and go to class on the Friday before a long Labor Day weekend. I personally think the university was smoking crack when it made this decision. Really, who wants to show up for classes on the (say it with me now) FRIDAY BEFORE LABOR DAY WEEKEND? At least it'll be a short day. I'm going to the class I'm TAing for, and then I have a meeting with my advisor. Then I'm coming home and starting homework. Yes, I already have homework. I have 4 pre-lim lists I have to read for the spring semester. Might as well start now.

Wes and I played another game of AOE yesterday. He won, but when I won, it only took me an hour and a half to kick his ass. Yesterday, it took him more than three hours to finish me off. I think we'll be playing again this weekend.

I have to say Happy Second Birthday to my nephew Phoenix. No, he can't read, but it's the thought that counts. I picked him up the cutest gift in Russia. It's a puzzle, shaped like a little house, and it has a bunny rabbit, a porcupine, a rooster and another animal I can't think of. But the puzzle is entirely painted, front, back and sides, and thicker, almost like wooden blocks. It was really cute. And also, Happy Birthday Tonya. I miss you.

Finally, thanks to everyone who has come by and left me a note. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to all of you: things have been hectic. But I have been thinking about you and hoping the best for all of you.

Stacia

looking up

Yesterday Wes and I had a long and serious talk. And it went well, and things are better. We had a great day yesterday. It was hard for him to admit and acknowledge that he is farther along in the relationship than I am, but I promised to work on the emotional aspects as well. He also promised to try to not be as pushy about sex. So far, so good.

Tomorrow school starts. I don't feel even slightly prepared, but at the same time, I'm very excited. I meet with my advisor today to discuss stuff. There's a lot of stuff that needs to get done this semester. I tried looking for funding yesterday, but it looks like I might actually have to wait a year for that. That's ok, I knew the process could be difficult and not always quick.

I'm typing this on my notebook from my livingroom coffee table. Know what that means? It means Wes made my apartment wireless for me. It is great. We also played a game of Age of Conquerors last night and I kicked his ass!!! He promised that he didn't let me win, and he also promised it would be the last time.

ok, I need to get the day started. Hope everyone is doing well,
Stacia

Emotions. . .

and other unnecessary things. Last night Wes and I had a talk. He wants to know why I won't just jump him all the time. Or why I don't enjoy him hanging all over me all the time. I tried to explain that first, I am a woman and I need a little bit of time to realize he is a real person, not just a voice on the telephone. And second, unfortunately, I don't feel the same way about him as he does me. I tried to tell him that part of that is because we live apart and I just need time to get used to him, and that since he is the one who pursued the relationship, he is a little bit ahead of me there too. And, I am a commitment phobe, and this would be to surrender entirely to the relationship. I have thought a lot about this, and I do think that if we were in the same place together for a while that it wouldn't be an issue. But he does. He thinks this isn't natural (#1) and that I won't feel differently later (#2). Part of the problem is that he is all over me. I haven't been in a relationship for a long time, and him invading my personal space all the time can be a little irritating. I understand: he's a guy, and he's madly in love with me. It's just not my style. So, when he gets up this morning, we're going to have another talk. I do want to make this work. And I don't want to hurt Wes. He says he'll wait (he's pushing to get married next summer, right before I leave for Russia for a year, and before we've actually lived in the same place at the same time), but he feels pushy. I've already tried explaining to him that that makes me uncomfortable. I guess we'll just try again.

And, of course, it's the beginning of the semester, so I have that stress. I hope everything works out. I really would like it to.

Stacia.

Why and why?

Yesterday was the first day Wes was here. And it went rather well. When he's not here, I'm able to banter and joke with him on the phone (you know what I mean) but when he's here, I get really weirded out when he tries to touch me. I think I'm just scared to make that last bit of commitment. I don't know. It's just still so weird and unexpected.

Speaking of weird and unexpected. I told Wes that I thought he should have the courtesy to tell Charley we were together, instead of avoiding things. I just thought it would be polite. So, Wes called Charley yesterday. Charley has a very deep (and yes, incredibly sexy) voice, and since I was sitting next to Wes, I was able to hear a large part of the conversation. Charley is ok with us dating. Ok, maybe I should rephrase: Charley isn't going to kill us. He seemed quite understanding about it, but he did tell Wes that if he treated me bad, he would have to answer to him. And he didn't say anything bad about me. I thought that was very nice. And he and Wes will remain friends. Wes told him he should give me a call, but Charley said he wasn't ready for that yet. We were both very relieved that things went so well.

But. . . . hearing Charley's voice made me really miss him. I can't explain my feelings for Charley, mostly because they make no logical sense. But it makes me feel bad about Wes. Wes loves me so much and he treats me so good, and he feels passionately about me. I don't feel that way about Wes. When I think about spending the rest of my life with Wes I'm happy and content. I want to adopt children with him and be a step-mom to his children. It's a stable situation. But, he doesn't inspire desire, lust and passion in me. He is a very good looking guy, so it's not that. It's just that there's not the same chemistry between he and I that is there between Charley and I. I would never leave Wes for Charley, ever. I do love Wes. It's just different. Maybe a bit more realistic. Wes knows, and seems to understand, that I still love Charley too. I just don't want to do wrong by Wes. He's too good for that. And he does make me happy. I just wish feelings weren't so complicated. I'm glad Charley said he wasn't ready to talk to me: I don't know if I'm ready to talk to him either.

Today, I think I may be swimming and meeting with my advisor. I checked my student roster for the class I'm TAing for in the fall, and I'm a little worried. Supposedly you have to have a certain amount of students signed up for a class in order to have a TA. I'm still listed as the TA, but the class number is a little low. I haven't received anything that says I'm not a TA. Since school starts on Friday, I guess I'll find out then.

I hope everyone is doing well,
Stacia

Don't freak out!!!

My mom left today. We had a great time this weekend. We went hiking and we went to the farmer's market and the Wisconsin Historical Museum and my church. And we talked a lot. I'm really glad she came.

But. . . . Wes is going to be here tonight!!! I'm scared and nervous and really kind of want a couple of days to myself. He's actually really nervous too. But he won't get here until midnight, so I'll probably actually already be asleep. If you don't hear from me for a few days, you know why.

hope everything is going well for everyone,
Stacia

Guess what I'm typing on?

That's right! It's my new computer. It came yesterday. And I was afraid to touch it, because I was afraid to break it. It's very cute and I really like it. Especially since my desktop crashed yesterday, and I haven't been able to get it back. Perfect timing.

Ok, I don't really have time to type anything, even though there is plenty to type. I need to clean the kitchen and bathroom before I go pick up my mom. If you don't hear from me until next week, don't worry, it's just because mom is here.

I hope everyone has a great weekend,
Stacy

1 million things to do

and only 2 weeks to do them. And my mom is coming this weekend. School starts on Sep. 2nd and Wes comes that day (hopefully he'll make it a couple of days sooner, but who knows). Let the fun begin!!! I'm feeling good and alive and thrive on stress. Thank god, because that's the only way I'm going to get through the next year.

So, weekend at my grandparent's. It went well. I actually think my grandpa looks good. I think my grandma just gets worried (and hopeful?) about my grandpa. He is, however, ordering crap out of magazines and not paying for it. Grandma isn't sure what to do about that, except read all the mail before he does and pay the stuff, and cancel some of his subscriptions. At least they actually have the money to pay: I know these type of places prey on older people who don't always understand how it works (the type of place that sends stuff for "your inspection" and then you send it back if you don't want it). I also feel bad for my grandma: she has always been a caretaker to grandpa (disabled WWII vet), but as he's gotten older, it's put more and more stress on her. And I know sometimes she feels like no one worries about her and her health. And, she feels guilty because she wants to do things that grandpa can't do, like: take a walk, travel, dance. You know, everyday stuff for the rest of us. I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope that . . . well, let's just say I hope grandma is still around after he goes, so she can enjoy some of the things she never had an opportunity to enjoy before.

My mom's coming to visit this weekend. I'm very excited about that. We're going to go to the Farmer's Market and other stuff. Very excited.

My laptop shipped today!!!! I'm so excited about that, because now I'll have it before school starts and get at least try to figure it out before then.

Now, on to a more serious subject: Wes and Charley. For some unknown reason (ok, I know the reason and I even understand it), Wes called Charley. For those of you who don't know, Charley is my ex. A very serious ex. We lived together and we talked about getting married. Charley is also Wes's ex bestfriend. Charley was the best man in Wes's first wedding (yes, there is going to be a second). Charley quit talking to Wes when Charley and I broke up because Wes remained friend's with me and Charley just couldn't handle that. So I understand that Wes misses his friend. And like he said, he didn't expect Charley to talk to him: he hasn't in the last 5 years, so why would he now? Well, maybe because his dad just died of cancer, and he needs friends. But, the first thing Charley told Wes was that he didn't want to talk about me. So, now, Charley doesn't know about Wes and I. Wes hopes that he'll eventually get to a place where he'll be able to accept it and still be friends with Wes, but I don't know. Wes said the last conversation they had started leaning towards me, but that then Charley stopped himself. But Wes thinks that eventually Charley is going to ask for my number. He said he wasn't going to give it to him. I asked him how he was going to explain why not. He said he hadn't thought of that. So, this is the plan: for now, neither one of us will say anything. If he calls me, I'll tell him I'm in a serious relationship and don't feel comfortable talking to him (yes, I still love him: yes, Wes knows this). And Wes will just try to wait as long as possible before he tells him. Because he thinks Charley may just disappear, just like he has before, and then we don't have to worry about it. Talking about him made me want to talk to him though. I don't want to be with him. I want to be with Wes. But I started feeling sorry for him. Which really made me feel sorry for him. But I can't do anything for him. I hate this situation. I keep waiting for the phone to ring and to hear his voice. I hope that never happens.

Ok, I have a ton of stuff, as I said at the beginning.
Stacia

Pictures!!!!

ok, so these aren't my pictures, but they're pictures my friend Danny took in Russia. So there's a few of me in there, including the one of my after drinking Red Devil (see cruise blog). I'm assuming (yes, I know what they say about assuming) that you're all intelligent adults, and will know how to get to the Russian pictures after you're on his page (although, you really should check out his Alaska pictures too, they're beautiful). Although, he does have two sets of Russian pictures there. Look at the new ones, named Moscow.

Since there's the link to the pictures, I'm not writing about Russia today. I'm taking all my Russian stuff with me to my grandparents and I'll write it all down there and then type it up when I'm back. No, I didn't keep a journal while I was there. I know, I know. I am bad and evil. I tried, I just didn't ever have time. I'll do it now.

Yesterday, yesterday would have been a good day, except, I went to the doctor. And she weighed me. Why? Why does my doctor need to know how much I weigh? I mean really, it is none of her business. Apparently, I gained 10 lbs., TEN POUNDS, in Russia. TEN POUNDS. Did everyone catch that. I gained TEN FREAKING POUNDS in TWO MONTHS. That's more than a pound a week. No wonder I don't fit into any of my clothes. I weigh more now than I ever have in my entire life. And then, to top it off, I started my period. I took my pills straight through in Russia, because who really knows what their tampons are made of. So, I haven't had my period since May. So, of course, I'm not extra emotional or anything. And then, the swimming pool was closed. I just felt like such a fat pig yesterday that I came home and had banana bread and hot chocolate for dinner. Because that'll help me lose the weight. Wes is only calling me every other day, because he's afraid he'll suffocate me, and I really wanted to talk to him yesterday, but since I was all emotional and crap I didn't want to talk to him. But I called him anyway. And he said I didn't sound crabby at all (he makes me laugh, what can I say: besides, I was mad at me, not at him). And I had sent him a few pictures of me on the cruise, and he said he thought I looked hot. I told him that's because skirts hide fat thighs. He thinks I'm joking. I have 2 weeks and 2 days to try to drop at least a couple of pounds before he gets here. I'm spending 8 hours in a car tomorrow, and Monday. But I'll walk a lot when I'm at my grandparents. And then I'll swim when I get back. I actually don't have to lose all 10 lbs. Just 5. That would put me at a very acceptable weight, although one I still thought I'd never be (I'm a small person, I've always been a small person, and I guess I'm still a small person). Anyway, enough of my fat.

Today, my friend Tiffany is coming over with her brand new baby (when I was in Russia, in my grammar class, we were working on antonyms, and apparently a new person is not an antonym to an old person. It sure made my professor laugh though). This baby was born when I was in Russia and I'm very excited to see her. And my friend Tiffany. But now, I need to pick up my house and shower.

Stacia