Sunday, September 25, 2005

Feeling a bit blue. . .

If you could see me, that joke would be funnier. I'm completely dressed in blue, I guess because that is how I feel. It's raining again today, and while it is nice, it's a little depressing too. I have so many thoughts and feelings swirling around, that I just don't know if today's blog is going to make much sense.

I cleaned my apartment today. It looks beautiful. But part of me has to wonder if this isn't my way of maintaining control over something. See, I suffer from chronic mild depression and one symptom of depression is that you also have to be in control, because you feel like you aren't in control of your emotions, so you have to be in control everywhere else. Well, while I'm alone, my strange compulsions are fine: I'm alone, but now, I'm not alone anymore. I have to fit in another person and I have to be willing to allow my feelings and emotions to be out of my total control. I have to take a risk, and it really scares me. It's only been the last couple of years that I felt like my life and emotions were in my control, and now I'm giving that up. Voluntarily. Am I insane???? I guess my mama was right: when you meet the right person, everything changes. But, I have to wonder if I'm going to be able to be in a relationship without being a control freak. I don't want to be a control freak. Wes thinks I'm doing fine. He knows all about my "issues." I am so thankful for him and I love him so much. Last night, he offered to pull a credit check on himself so I can see that he's not lying about his credit. He will lay out all his financial stuff so I know what exactly he owes and how long it will take to pay off. I've obviously been screwed in this area before. But I didn't ask him, he offered. I thought that was so sweet. He even told me that as soon as he settles into his new place after he transfers (in Nov.) that he'll just send his paycheck and all his bills to me, and I can put him on an allowance and take care of everything. Actually, I don't want that much control. At least not right now. I think that would be a bit stressful. I have my own finances to worry about. But I thought it was nice that he thought it would be a good idea. I get to see him on Wed. and I can't wait.

1 comment:

Bart's Camille said...

Time for therapy. I'm serious. It can only help to be able to talk about these things now. Think about it! Wes sounds like he is being wonderful.