Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Why and why?

Yesterday was the first day Wes was here. And it went rather well. When he's not here, I'm able to banter and joke with him on the phone (you know what I mean) but when he's here, I get really weirded out when he tries to touch me. I think I'm just scared to make that last bit of commitment. I don't know. It's just still so weird and unexpected.

Speaking of weird and unexpected. I told Wes that I thought he should have the courtesy to tell Charley we were together, instead of avoiding things. I just thought it would be polite. So, Wes called Charley yesterday. Charley has a very deep (and yes, incredibly sexy) voice, and since I was sitting next to Wes, I was able to hear a large part of the conversation. Charley is ok with us dating. Ok, maybe I should rephrase: Charley isn't going to kill us. He seemed quite understanding about it, but he did tell Wes that if he treated me bad, he would have to answer to him. And he didn't say anything bad about me. I thought that was very nice. And he and Wes will remain friends. Wes told him he should give me a call, but Charley said he wasn't ready for that yet. We were both very relieved that things went so well.

But. . . . hearing Charley's voice made me really miss him. I can't explain my feelings for Charley, mostly because they make no logical sense. But it makes me feel bad about Wes. Wes loves me so much and he treats me so good, and he feels passionately about me. I don't feel that way about Wes. When I think about spending the rest of my life with Wes I'm happy and content. I want to adopt children with him and be a step-mom to his children. It's a stable situation. But, he doesn't inspire desire, lust and passion in me. He is a very good looking guy, so it's not that. It's just that there's not the same chemistry between he and I that is there between Charley and I. I would never leave Wes for Charley, ever. I do love Wes. It's just different. Maybe a bit more realistic. Wes knows, and seems to understand, that I still love Charley too. I just don't want to do wrong by Wes. He's too good for that. And he does make me happy. I just wish feelings weren't so complicated. I'm glad Charley said he wasn't ready to talk to me: I don't know if I'm ready to talk to him either.

Today, I think I may be swimming and meeting with my advisor. I checked my student roster for the class I'm TAing for in the fall, and I'm a little worried. Supposedly you have to have a certain amount of students signed up for a class in order to have a TA. I'm still listed as the TA, but the class number is a little low. I haven't received anything that says I'm not a TA. Since school starts on Friday, I guess I'll find out then.

I hope everyone is doing well,


Bart's Camille said...

Sorry I missed your calls. I imagine that must have been tough. My heart would have been pounding through my chest and I would have been in a cold sweat. As far as the touching thing and it being weird - I think that is completely understandable. I love you Stacia and am sending you a hug. Would like to sit and talk with you - sounds like you need it. Miss you.

Queen of Ass said...

Sugar, I can only pass on a piece of advice that has been INVALUABLE to me over the years. Just because someone loves you DOES NOT REQUIRE that you love them back. When it happens, it'll happen naturally. Don't force it. Trust your intuition on it.

Take care of you. You're in my thoughts.