Thankful

I

am

so

thankful!

Happy Halloween

Here is my little Garden Gnome!

She's actually sick and going to the doctor today.
But she is cute!

11 months

I'm not dead, I've just been busy. Busy unpacking and cleaning and getting to know neighbors.
And busy chasing around a little girl who is going to be one year old a month from today.

Where's my baby?

The Navy Bean is practically running everywhere.

And she climbs on everything.

She is fearless.

The Navy Bean with bubby and sissy.

She loves big kids.

She wants to be a big kid.

She's a very happy baby.

We're trying to teach her to say "stinky" when she poops.

She can say it, but doesn't say it when she's poopy.

I can't believe my baby is growing up so fast.

She is using a fork and eats a ton of food.

But, she still nurses twice a night,

which, I suppose, is my fault.

Missing you

I wish this post was going to be about the Navy Bean, who is 10 months old today. But it isn't.
I wish this post was going to be about our house, which we close on, on Monday. But it isn't.
I wish this post was going to be about something uplifting and happy. But it isn't.

This post is about my friend, Christopher Roberts.

I met Christopher my sophomore year of high school. I transferred to a large public school halfway through the year from a very tiny private school (from 20 students to 2000). Christopher was one of the first people I met. He was in my English class. And we were freaks (pre-Goth). He was small, about the same size as me. We became friends immediately. Christopher was funny, smart, loyal and a very talented artist. Many people thought we were dating because we often held hands, cuddled and hugged, but we never dated (more on that later).

We went to the same college and hung out together for our first two years. We loved each other deeply, but when we tried to kiss, it was honestly like kissing a sibling. But we still held hands, cuddled and hugged. Weird, yes, but it felt natural to us. He made sure my boyfriends treated me with respect and I made sure his girlfriends really loved him.

But then, I got engaged to a horrible man and most of my friends didn't approve, including Christopher. Add to that the fact that we both moved at the same time (him out of state) and we lost track of each other. I looked for him often, on-line, but with a name like Christopher Roberts, I had no luck. I missed him immensely, intensely and dreamed of when we would meet again. I wanted to hear what he had been doing. I wanted him to meet my new husband and my daughter. I wanted to hug my friend again. I wanted to tell him how much I missed him and loved him. But I had a very bad feeling.

And I was right. I received a message on facebook from a mutual friend of ours (someone I had also looked for but failed to find). I knew the message wasn't good. Christopher was murdered in 2007, on father's day. His first father's day. It hurts so much to know that I will never be able to tell him how much I love him. I hurts that I won't get to see him hold his little girl. I won't get to witness how much he loves the mother of his baby. But most us all, it hurts that I don't know if he knew how much he meant to me. I think he probably did. Our friend looked me up because he knew I would want to know, but also because Christopher's mother asked him to find me. I hope he knew. I hope, in his last seconds, he knew and felt the love of all the people who have known and loved him. I hope he knew that we all thought he was a wonderful, loving, loyal, thoughtful, caring person. I hope he knew that would help take care of his daughter and share pictures and stories with her. I hope he knew that even though he was alone, he wasn't alone.

I hope he knew.

Child Protective Services

I called CPS on IQ today. I talked to her on the phone and asked why IQ Jr. was screaming. She said he did that when she put him in his room so she could play WOW. Is he in his crib? No. Just in his room. With the door shut? Yes. While you play WOW? Yes, because he doesn't really take naps anymore.

He's 16 months old. He still doesn't walk. Or do anything he should be doing at that age. I hope they take him away.

She's still talking about having another one.

House update

We have a closing date for our house: Sep. 14th. It seems like it will never get here and yet, it is getting here too quickly. Every time we visit the new house, it is torture to come back to this tiny little place. We still have too much to pack and too much to do. But I can't wait!

The small part of the play room. Seriously.

Part of my kitchen. I guess the floors are down now too.

The fireplace.

The dining room ceiling.

The house. It now has a sidewalk and driveway.

I can't wait for Sep. 14th!

9 months old

My little adorable Navy Bean is 9 months old. She is so big, and smart, and funny. I just want to hold on to her, and beg her to slow down, just a little bit. Stay small for a while. Stay mommy's girl for a while. Stay a Navy Bean! She just won't listen. I love her so much.

We need to start a fan club for her at the commissary. I think at least four people stop us every week and comment about how cute and happy she is. She eats the attention up. But they are right: she is cute and very, very happy. One of her favorite games is trying to take my magazine, or my crocheting and playing tug-of-war with them as I declare, "No, that's not Navy Bean's. That's mommy's." Apparently, everything is hers.

We still have some sleeping issues, but everything else makes up for it. Besides crawling at light speed, she has begun taking little steps. She's up to three now. Part of me wants her to stop it, part of me can't wait for her to wobble across the room to me. She loves to play Peek-a-boo. All the time. For a very long time. She will play it anywhere. She loves to duck below a chair to pop back up. She loves to hide behind blankets, stuffed animals, toys, hands, anything that can hide her eyes. She loves to play when nursing, covering her one visible eye with my shirt and giggling as I cry "oh no, where is the Navy Bean? She was just right here. Navy Bean, where are you?" and then she pops up only to cover her eye again before I can finish, "Oh, there you are!"

She is fearless. She would crawl off the bed everyday if we let her. She will find a way to make it over our make-shift gates. She is amazing and I love her to death.

Which is why I haven't written about IQ lately. Her son, who is 6 1/2 months older than Navy Bean is not walking yet (among other things). This is why: IQ called me the other day and told me she is now playing WOW on her husband's computer in the living room because that way IQ Jr. can be in his pack n' play and still see her, rather than her playing in the office, when he would have to stay in his crib in his own room all day.

Navy Bean is 8 months

The Navy Bean is now 8 months old. I can't believe that much time has passed. She is so big now and more like a little girl than a little baby. I guess that's why I still like those nighttime feedings (ok, I would like ONE nighttime feeding, the rest can end).

Look at my beautiful teeth,

and not the uni brow I got from daddy.

She is such a joy to be around. Her middle name is Hope, because I hoped she wouldn't get my stress, my anxiety, my depression, but it should have been Joy, because that's what she is and that's what she gives to me.

Playing with Nana.

She can stand anywhere, using just about anything. And more and more, she lets go and just stands there by herself. And she is smart. She knows how to get back to the floor without falling. She seems to be learning so fast. She is already cruising around. Wes thinks she'll be walking by 9 months. I wouldn't be surprised, but I do wish she would slow down just a little bit.

Reading with Grandpa.

She's loves books and squeaky toys. She loves to be kissed all over and to laugh. She has two laughs, her real laugh, and her silly laugh, which sounds like a coughing machine gun. She is a VERY happy baby. She can play by herself, but loves it when I play with her.

To celebrate her 8 months here, she started climbing the stairs.

She loves classical music and the piano. Whenever she hears either, she stops what she is doing and dances. If she's crawling, that just means rocking back and forth, but if she's standing up, it's a strange combination of headbanging and the butt. She often crawls to the piano and stands up to play it. This makes me very happy.

Waving.

She also starting waving at people. Sometimes she gets very enthusiastic and waves with both hands, which is fine, because the one hander kind of looks like a heil Hitler. She wants to be a big girl so badly. And she is big. But she'll always be my little Navy Bean.

Twilight zone

I was going to tell some IQ stories, but something even weirder happened. I know, how is that possible? You guys remember Charley, right? Charley, my ex, who also happened to be the best man at Wes's first marriage. Charley, the pot-head who brought out the absolute worst in me, and I in him. Charley, who has been engaged at least 4 times, yet never got married. Yeah, well, Charley is back, sorta.



Last fall, some friends of ours from TX, who also happen to live in VA, got married. Some friends of ours who still live in TX came out for the wedding, including Charley. Some of these friends stayed with us and told us a really interesting Charley story. See, Charley was dating a new woman. Nothing new there. But, there was some drama surrounding this woman. Apparently this woman was a repeated convicted felon, for identity theft and things of that nature. Our friend, a lawyer, had run a check on her, at the request of another of our friends. Turns out, there was a lot more shady stuff than she had told Charley. My friend let Charley know, and then things got weird. Apparently, Charley's girlfriend is very powerful and has some powerful family because they threatened my lawyer friend with ruining his career. If she is so powerful, how come she spent so much time in prison?

Anyway, we hadn't heard anything from Charley in a while, but we had heard that his new girlfriend treats him very well and really seems to be good for him. So, good for him. This past weekend, Wes and I got an e-mail from Charley's girlfriend. They are getting married this year and wanted our address. I replied with the usual: congrats and here's our address. She sent me a longish e-mail telling me she had really wanted to contact me before but wasn't sure how I would feel about that. She wanted us to get to know her and judge her for who she was and not what we had heard. She loved Charley sooooooo much and he's such an awesome man. He's a deacon at their church!!!! (I have to gripe about this because they are living together and not married. Yes, I've lived with a man I wasn't married to (Charley) but I wasn't a deacon. I wasn't even going to church. What kind of shady church is this?) And they would really love it if we could come out for the wedding. It would mean so much to Charley. And they wanted to know how the navy bean was.

I e-mailed back that I'm glad that Charley is doing so well and that we really just wanted what was best for him. We wouldn't be able to make it to the wedding though, because we're building a house (we have no extra money). She sent me about 6 e-mail with pictures and offered to pay for the plane tickets. Because us being there is what Charley really wants.

What!!!!!!!

Let's look at the facts. I met Charley in high school when I was hanging out with Wes. Charley and I dated for a while. He thought I liked Wes more (I did). Several years later, Charley was the best man at Wes's wedding. Several years after that, I was living with Charley and we were talking about getting married. After we broke up, he made me promise I wouldn't ever date Wes. Several years after that, I married Wes and had a baby.

Yes, I can see why Charley would want us both to be there. We have so much history!

Why does this woman want to be my new best friend? Sounds shady to me.

I'm over here!

So I haven't been here a lot, but there's a very good reason. I am a stay at home mom. Do you know what stay at home moms do? We stay at home. The end. Although I am infinitely thrilled with the cuteness of Navy Bean and all her extraordinary powers, that's what her blog is for. I do have a few IQ stories, but, quite frankly, now that I'm a mom, her level of involvement with her son depresses me. But I do have some house news.

This is the Navy Bean's room.

This is what the house looked like yesterday.
We have a roof!

This is what it looked like last weekend, when we took the kids out there.

The kids are beyond thrilled that we're building a bigger house. They really didn't believe us at first. They thought that we were looking at houses and wanted to know what they thought (like we care what they think!). They were very excited when we told them we'd already bought it (ok, not really, we don't close until it's built, but you can't explain that to kids). Strangely, when they told their mom how huge our new house was going to be, she really didn't want to talk about it. (When she left Wes, she told him that her new husband was a multi-millionaire and they were going to build a new house. They still live in a rental and the x has told Wes they are basically living on our child support.) We are very excited and Oct. cannot get here soon enough. It is torture to come back to our little rental and cook in our tiny kitchen, knowing that soon I will have a kitchen the size of, well, a lot bigger. A lot, lot bigger. Meanwhile, hope everyone is doing well.

Snip or not to snip

Wes doesn't want anymore kids. Which I understand. He has three. He wants to get snipped. I don't think I want anymore kids either, so what's the problem. I really don't know. I love the little Navy Bean so much, and if we were younger and could wait 4 or 5 years in between kids, I would probably want more. But we're already 35. His kids are 11 and 8. And I like sleep. I want to have space in between kids though. I want to be able to enjoy my time with the Navy Bean. She's in such a fun stage right now (when she's not teething). She can interact with you. You can see the light bulbs going off in her head, often one right after another. She is trying to figure stuff out. She's getting a sense of humor. Her personality is emerging. I don't want to have to put her on hold while I take care of another baby. I don't want her to have to share me. I want to spoil her. I don't really want another kid.


But I'm terrified something will happen. The Navy Bean could never be replaced. I wouldn't even want to try. But after becoming a mom, I don't know that I could stop being a mom. I don't even know if any of this makes any sense. I told Wes we should wait until she's two. It seems silly though, to wait, when I know I don't want another one. Suggestions on why him getting snipped freaks me out?

Catch up

Guess who got teeth yesterday?

So, the Navy Bean sprouted two teeth yesterday. She had been teething for about a week and doing pretty well. Wes left today for 10 days. Today, the Navy Bean has been waaaaaay fussier than she was before the teeth came through. I hope that ends quickly, otherwise one of us might be dead before daddy gets home!

Everything has gone through for the house and they will start building this week, if it stops raining. We went and picked out colors Sat. and then my head exploded. It took FOREVER and we liked most of the stuff in the model. But, this means by Oct/Nov. we should have plenty of room for company from all over the world!

Now, I just have to clean the house and start packing. I figure I will kill two birds with one stone by baby-proofing/packing at the same time!

6 months

My little Navy Bean is 6 months old. And she's not so little any more. At the moment she is not eating because she is getting teeth!!! But, when she does eat, it is a beautiful sight to behold.

Don't you just want to kiss those little rolls of fat?

She's learning so much new stuff it's hard to keep track of. She can't actually pull herself to standing yet, but she's working on it. She so wants to be a big girl. I am amazed at how smart she is. She knows the words "kiss" and "milk" and will respond accordingly. Her kisses are wet and sloppy, but they are the best kisses I have ever received.

Her smile lights up my day, no matter how little sleep we have gotten. My life has been so enriched by her, I could never imagine being without her.

I love her little goofy faces. I love it when she gives me a hug and a kiss without me asking. I love holding her in my arms. I love reading to her. I love taking walks with her. I love her.

She loves music. She loves the sound of the piano and was thrilled when she could make noise on it too. She loves classical music. She loves the drums. I hope she continues in this love.

Did I mention that she cracks me up?

It's been a wonderful 6 months. I love my Navy Bean more than I thought possible. I can't wait to see what the next 6 months bring (besides crawling, walking and more teeth).

Note to Wes

When one of the ushers at church tells you your wife looks great and can you believe she just had a baby, the correct response is NOT, "it's been 6 months."

Moron.

The builder accepted our offer as it was. We have an appointment with the loan officer this week. We should know something by Wednesday and hopefully, start "building" by Friday.

The waiting game

Yesterday we met with the builder's representation for 3 hours! We went over everything and signed so much stuff I felt personally responsible for the deforestation of the US (I was told the loan stuff would be even worse). Now we're just playing the waiting game, to see if they accept our offer.

The Navy Bean amused herself by rolling over for the first time (back to front).

What the fireplace would look like, well, maybe not.
I think we got the slightly smaller one, but we get the marble.

Not our kitchen layout, but the same cabinets, appliances and (maybe) hardware.

We went with granite counter tops, which is good, because their laminate was super cheap looking.

Exactly what our house would look like (minus the bike).

I guess we would have to pick different colors though.

I sure hope we get it.

White picket fence

Have you ever had one of those surreal experiences? One where you're on your way to sign a year lease at the place you are living, only to swing by the bank first, just to see, out of curiosity if you could get a mortgage now and then, within a week, are picking out paint colors and carpet for the house you are building? Well, that was my week.

Wes and I had decided that we would stay in this place another year. Another year would let us pay off our credit debt completely and save up a little money for a down payment. But then, houses started selling in our area again, and there's that nice tax credit for first time buyers, and our credit card debt will be paid off by October, when Wes also gets promoted and gets a raise. We've had a lot of company around here (apparently babies do that) and it is clear that this place is way too small.

So we went to the bank, out of curiosity. We really wanted to see what we could get approved of in October. They approved us, right now, for $50,000 more than we expected. Well, we have a really good friend who is a realtor. We gave him a call. Two days later, we're driving to look at new houses (there are a ton out here and builders are desperate). The first place was GORGEOUS, but super expensive and the floor plans really weren't that practical for what we wanted (later, we went to Home Depot and saw the door knobs this builder had used and they were $60 a piece. No wonder the place was so expensive. And there was a light in the pantry. THE PANTRY. The sales guy said the builder was very environmentally friendly, which is why the light went off when you shut the door, like a fridge. But, it's the PANTRY. Why do you even need a light in the pantry? Thank you for listening to me rant). Then we drove to the second place.

Our friend had given me the floor plans and there was one that was perfect. I mean, almost exactly what I had always wanted. When we pulled up, Wes saw one of the houses that had already been built and said "that's exactly what I envision when I think of the house I want." Guess which house it was. Yup! The one I loved. He also loved the floor plan. But, you don't want to move too quickly, so we came home and talked about it. And called our parents. And then called the real estate agent back and said, set up an appointment. That's tomorrow and I hope everything goes well. I'm a little nervous. It would be so disappointing not to get it now. Keep your fingers crossed. And the best part: it would take 5 to 6 months to build, so we wouldn't actually get it until Oct, when we wanted it anyway (we'll sign a 6 month lease here).

The place is perfect for us. It has four bedrooms and a finished room over the garage. A living room, dining room, and a family room (the living room is the size of a den. We would put the piano and some book cases in there). The kitchen is nice and has a breakfast nook and we'll have a screened in porch, about the size of a small bedroom! What a perfect place to watch birds from. And a small porch in the front. And there's a little pond down the street. Ok, deep breath. I'm really trying to get ahead of myself, but this place would be perfect. Keep your fingers crossed.

Midnight

I hear you crying and stumble out of bed. I put on my pajama bottoms and socks and a robe. I come into your room and see your little arms and legs pumping wildly, as if that would help me hear you. Even in the dark, I can see your smile when I pick you up.

I sit in the rocker and you quickly find what you're looking for. You curl your little body around mine. During the day, you're my big girl, but at night, you're still my tiny baby. You rest your plump little hand on my chest. I run my finger over it and marvel at how something so tiny can also be so chubby. I rub your fuzzy little head which is starting to sprout hair again. I grasp your chunky little legs and make sure they are warm.

Sometimes there is thunder.
Sometimes there is rain.
Sometimes there are even birds singing.
But usually, it is silent.

You detach and we switch sides. I'm amazed at how beautiful you are in the dark. When you are through eating, you stretch out and then rest your round cheek on my breast as you prepare to go back to sleep. I bring you up to my shoulder, where your fluffy, soft cheek rests against mine. I put my hand on the back of your tiny, silky head and I just cuddle you. I kiss your cheek and lay you down. You give me a sigh and a half smile, close your eyes, turn your head and go back to sleep.

I stumble back to bed, to sleep. But, this is my favorite time, when you and I are the only people in the world.

Getting it back

Everything changes when you have a baby. It's such a cliche, but oh, so true too. Since I'm a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom), I figured I would still have plenty of time for myself. I mean, I understand why Camille's middle child was three before she got to read a book again, she worked full time. HAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!! I am so naive! Every time we get into a schedule, where I think I can start doing stuff again, guess what? Someone decides to change the schedule without consulting me first. My reading has definitely suffered. I am currently reading a stack of books, but now they have names like Super Baby Food and What to expect the first year. I had been keeping up with my magazine reading because I could do that while I was breastfeeding. Then someone became curious about everything. And magazine pages make incredibly interesting noises. Needless to say, I just finished all my magazines from the month of March. However, as she gets bigger, she is happy if I just sit next to her while she plays. So there is hope. At least I hope there's hope. I have several crochet projects I want to finish/start. And really, that's about it for my goals of doing non-baby related stuff. The Navy Bean loves to be outdoors, so I'm sure we'll be spending at least one afternoon a week at the botanical gardens, but who knows how much bird watching I'll get done. This is not really where I expected my life to be. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

Worth every minute of my time.

Five months old

My baby is five months old today. I can't believe how big she has gotten and how much stuff she has learned. I still look at her and wonder what in the world I could have done to deserve such an amazing gift. She fills me with joy and I love her so much more than I ever thought I could love. I can't imagine life without her.

She is becoming so aware of everything around her. If I get a drink, she wants some too. If someone is talking across the room, she has to figure out who it is, even if she's eating.

Yummy toes. They're as good as mommy said they were.

She has discovered her toes. She has also discovered her thumbs, which she often puts in her mouth at the same time. I think this has something to do with having Texas blood. You know, the double fisted bubba law. She now pats me on the cheek and hugs me. She loves being kissed all over. She has a beautiful laugh and often adds a cough to her laugh and cry, just for emphasis.

Look, I'm Santa Claus!

She has a great sense of humor. She loves to sing and dance and move around. She doesn't hate tummy time as much, because she rolls over now. She also pushes herself with her toes. This has me a little worried. Slow down, Navy Bean!

She is trying new foods, like avocado (which she's not sure if she likes). Wes made the mistake of holding a bread stick out to her the other day, and she grabbed it with a vengeance, ripping it in half. However, she still gets up at least twice a night. We're working on that though.

Navy Bean I love you so much. My life would be so boring and worthless without you!

Scarlet Letter

A couple years ago, I found out that a former friend of mine, someone who I had hooked up with another friend, was a child molester. Specifically, he had molested my friend's daughter and niece. He and my friend divorced and he was convicted, but not given any jail time. Recently, he popped up on facebook. I knew that no one else knew what this man had done, and many of our mutual friends had children. I sent out a message to all of them, letting them know that he was a registered sex offender and even sent the URL so they could look it up. I was conflicted about this. My friend had told me she didn't want anyone else to know. However, these people had kids. And, I found out, he had contacted some of them and had forgotten to mention why he and my friend had gotten divorced. I had hoped he would have the decency to hide under a rock and stay there (although, I guess he had already proven he didn't have any decency). I hate being in this situation, but now, I know I can't ignore things like this. I have to protect my Navy Bean.

I'd rather spend my life with her than in jail for killing assholes.

Generations

My parents and my grandma visited this week. My grandma lives in Minnesota and won't fly alone, so my mom flew to Minnesota, from Texas, and picked her up, and then flew here. I'm so glad she did though, because I realized, my grandma is starting to get old, and I don't know how much I'll be able to see her now that I have a baby. It was a great visit, but much too short.

Since we had company, we could actually get a picture with all three of us in it.

The Navy Bean (trying out for an e-trade commercial) and my parents.

All four generations. We will never get to five generations because to do so, the Navy Bean would have to have a child awfully young, and then I would kill her and it would still only be four generations.

Four Months

My little Navy Bean is 4 months old.

(ok, she's a little older than that, but we had computer problems.)

She is such a joy to be around.

I think I've laughed more in the last 4 months than I did the previous 4 years.

Future mug shot.

Your little laugh is so infectious, even if I'm not sure what you're laughing at.

You smile all the time. You are so happy.

You fill me with joy.

But you are getting so big!

You can sit up by yourself for almost a full minute!

You love to practice standing up.

You cry when we lie you down:

big girls don't lie down!

Since you hate tummy time, I didn't expect you to roll over for awhile.

You rolled over, from your tummy to your back, on Monday.

You hand-eye coordination improves everyday.

You now take your binky out of your mouth,

examine it, and return it.

It amazes me how you learn so much, so quickly.

I just want to freeze you in time.

My favorite time is your only night feeding, when you are asleep.

You curl up against me and you are so calm and beautiful.

I can stroke your soft little head and your fluffy cheek.

When I burp you, you hold on to me,

your little cheek against mine.

You will always be my baby.