baby panic rant

I don't even know where to begin. I feel so stressed out and it's not over just one thing, it's over several. Let's start with Christmas and family, because hey, who stresses you out more than your own family.

I have a never married, childless aunt. I should start by saying she is wonderful, because she is. She makes a lot of her own Christmas presents, she's very generous, and she's fun. She's also stressful. She's the person who usually finishes her Christmas shopping in mid-Feb. and finishes all the homemade stuff by July and no, I am not exaggerating. Christmas is her holiday. She doesn't live close to any of us, so it's the one time of the year that she gets to see us. However, she has been bugging me, pretty much since I told her I was pregnant, about Christmas. Because she needs to know where to ship all the stuff and make flight reservations. Also, my cousin (and his wife and baby) moved to Austin, a couple of hours away from Dallas (ok, I guess about 4 hours) and so this year, his parents (who live in Maryland) and his brother, his girlfriend, sister and her boyfriend will also be in Texas for Christmas. In addition to my parents, my brother, his son, my sister, her husband, my Grandmere, my aunt and her husband, who all live in the Dallas area. Just in case you lost track, that's 19 people, not counting me, Wes, Navy Bean, Victor and Allison. So, my aunt has been trying to figure out how to coordinate all of this, even though in every e-mail she mentions that it's not her responsibility. She even sent an e-mail out with the dates we were "for-sure" going to be in TX, based on an e-mail from me that started, "we haven't cleared this with the x yet." My problem with all of this: 1) I want to spend time with my immediate family. I love my extended family, but the branch from Maryland, I usually only see once every 3 to 5 years. 2) Navy Bean will only be 5 to 6 weeks old. That means she will only do three things, sleep, eat and poop. Those who expect a more interesting show will be disappointed. 3) Victor and Allison are very shy and with that many people around, in addition to a new baby, they may not be that friendly. 4) My husband is in the navy and (they should know this since their dad was in the navy) we may not know what days Wes has off until the week before. 5) if there are complications, we're not coming. 6) We still need to decide how much money we're willing to spend to get there (we're planning on renting a vehicle). 7) that just sounds really stressful (24 hour drive with three kids, one of them an infant). I've just decided to let her plan whatever and then take her wrath when stuff doesn't turn out the way she wants them to (and then never do).

Add to this, Wes's family (woohoo!!!) who celebrate Christmas before Christmas. But we won't be there and so far, they don't really seem that anxious to do any re-arranging, even though they're all retired. Ok, let me rephrase that. When I told Wes's dad when we were thinking about coming, he said, "We'll have already celebrated" and it didn't seem to dawn on him that they could move the celebration. When I suggested it, you would have thought I suggested that Jesus was born in July and not Dec. Yet, they all want to see the baby and the kids too. Then work with us people!!!! We're driving half way across the country with three kids, one who will be less than 2 months old. Good grief. It's enough to make me want to stay here (which is actually what I wanted to do anyway, but my husband already told everyone we were coming).

Add to that: when I first gave dates and Christmas plans to the x, she responded (this is a paraphrase), I don't know if you can handle the kids and the baby so we'll decide closer to Christmas. Who'll decide? You??? Because that's not your choice!!!! Now, she wants to know for sure dates (again, she was with Wes for 8 years, she knows we don't have for sure dates yet).

Ok, so that's the first rant. Are we having fun yet????

Second stress point, slightly related to the first, in that it has to do with family. Most notably, aunts, uncles, grandparents, NOT FRIENDS. I don't want anybody to read this and think I'm talking about them, because I'm not. This specifically has to do with family. Family who call and say, "oh, I know you don't have anything so we want to get you something" and then disappear. Then I'm left wondering, especially after they have implied that they'd like to buy the crib, or something big and/or specific, "what do I do now?" Do I just buy the item and then deal with the "I wanted to get you that," or do I wait and then run out in a panic the day before the baby is born? I also hate those who say, "we'll just wait and see what you need." I don't have anything. I NEED EVERYTHING!!!! I am not going to wake up tomorrow and the baby gift fairy will have magically turned the office into a nursery with only 2 or 3 items still needed. The only way I will get anything is if either you buy it, or I buy it. See how that works??? I'm not worried about clothes. I have enough friends that the baby will be clothed, but I have a large family, one who likes to imply they are close, but yet, um, only my parents and my sister have gotten me anything (I love my brother, but he's a guy, so I'll probably not get anything there). I know I still have 9 weeks to my due date, but at the same time, I don't want to have to go to Target the week before the baby is due to get a ton of stuff I really need. With Christmas so close after the due date, I'm waiting for the "oh, we just thought we'd wait until Christmas to see what you still needed" excuse. Am I supposed to wrap her in a sheet and throw her in a box until then? If it's a need, and not a want, like really cute clothing, we're going to buy it before/soon after she is born. What sucks even more is that my family knows Wes is deployed right now, and I feel like I'm getting support from very few of them. Other than the stress of trying to figure out when we'll be home for Christmas.

Third rant, well, actually more of a fear. The baby is due in Nov. and I know my mom is flying out to help us. YAY!!! Then Wes's dad wants to come out too, after my mom is gone, only he'll view it as more of a visit then helping. And we'll have Wes's kids for Thanksgiving (which is good, I'm not saying that's bad). I'm hoping Wes's dad will come for Thanksgiving too then. Then, of course, is Christmas (which we've already discussed) and then Jan. This is what's freaking me out. Wes will be gone for Jan. and Feb. He'll be home on the weekends, but he'll be gone during the week. When are we going to be able to bond as a family? Just the three of us? (Yes, I know he has kids too, but they don't live here so it is different). Not to mention, since I've struggled with depression for so long, I have that fear, especially since things will be so hectic at first and then it'll just be me and her. I know that'll probably be when she starts smiling, as opposed to having gas bubbles, and she'll start to be awake more and have a personality and all of that, but it's still going to be a huge change, and it scares me a little bit.

Finally, I have this one friend who is driving me crazy. She recently moved out of state and is having a hard time getting a job. So she has a lot of time on her hands. But she calls me EVERY DAMN DAY. If I don't answer, she'll just call back until I do. First, the f word is every other word for her. And I don't really use that word that often. Only when I really need to make a point. Second, she's not working and I stay at home. We have boring conversations. Except, she feels I need to know every damn detail (and see, I don't really use foul language that much at all, and she's driven me to it), like, I met this guy and he had green eyes, and a blond flat-top and huge arms and 3 tattoos (then she will describe all three of them in detail) and he was like, hey, what are you doing? and I was like, oh, not much and on and on and on. Now, I love Camille more than all my friends, but do I talk to her everyday. No!!!! Do I want to talk to her more than I do? HELL YES!!!! Do I want to talk to her everyday? HELL NO!!!! You know why? Because we are both dignified, self-respecting people who realize that for the most part, our lives are boring. We have enough decency, when asked "what did you do today" when we did the same thing we did every other day, to answer, "the usual" and leave it at that. Now, when something other than the usual occurs, then great, I will take the blow by blow account, but really, I don't need to know about all the little crap. So this girl is driving me crazy. And now, she's talking about moving back here!!!! I can't even imagine what it would be like then. When she lived her before, she called me every day. I thought that maybe that would stop once she moved and made new friends. I really don't know what to do about the whole situation.

And now I feel all ranted out. My parents are coming this week, so hopefully that will make me feel better. I'm taking an 8 1/2 hour first aid/CPR course tomorrow, and I'm a little stressed out about that. I have contractions after sitting in church for a couple of hours, how am I going to handle all day? I'll just drink plenty of water I guess. Thank you for listening. I feel much better (or at least tired enough to finally be able to sleep without thinking about it).

That was weak

IQ called me yesterday freaking out because of Hanna. The navy takes all the ships out for tropical storms/hurricanes, so her husband was leaving. She said she had never been in a tropical storm before. Um, we had one last summer, but the guys were already gone, so she probably didn't even know we had one. She was very concerned about how IQ Jr. would act. I pointed out that he wouldn't know it was a tropical storm and would only freak out if she did, so she might want to keep it under control. They live on the second floor, so at least they didn't have to worry about flooding. I asked if she had plenty of water and food. Yes, she had plenty of water and had gotten lots of soup in case the electricity went out and she couldn't use the microwave. Um, do I really need to point out that she has an electric stove? Instead of pointing that out to her, I asked if she had bread. She did. Good, then there should be no problems.

But, Hanna is turning out to be pretty weak. The navy didn't take the ships out, although I doubt IQs husband is home yet. They probably kept them on the ships over night, just in case. And at 4:00am when I was eating yogurt and watching Comedy Central, it still hadn't started raining. It's rained a little bit this morning, and it has been VERY windy, but it actually looks like it's starting to clear up and might even be sunny soon. I was supposed to take CPR today, but it was cancelled and rescheduled for Wed. So I've just been cleaning. I think we're all going to be ok.

Too cute!

This is the fun part, the part where really cute stuff starts trickling in. I just got these from my sister. The one on the left is cute (that last word is daddy, just in case you can't see it), but I love the one on the right!!! My own little navy bean. I find myself rubbing my belly and wondering what bumps are: is that a foot, a little fist, perhaps a knee. And then I start to tear up. According to my due date, I have almost 9 weeks left. That's not very long until I can hold her and kiss her and hug her and eat her toes (because that's what baby toes are for!). Occasionally I panic, ok, I panic a lot. What if I'm not a good mom? What if she just has a bad temperment (which would be Wes's fault, of course)? What if I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do? But then I feel better, because I know that I have lots of people who love me and can offer me advise. So, thank you to everyone who has been so supportive and I can't wait to start this next journey together.

And Beth, I will post pictures of my bargains. Got another one today, just don't have a picture of it yet!

Smell the burning

I am cheap. This is not a surprise to anyone who knows me. I hate spending money (except on boots, boots are worth lots of money). I especially hate spending money on things that um, to put it nicely, I think are a waste of money. For example, weddings, nails, name brand clothing or furniture and especially, baby stuff. First, babies don't know or care how much money you paid for that crib/car seat/high-chair/nursery set/toys, you get the picture. Second, babies don't really need half the stuff we claim they need. If you think they do, travel to any other country in the world and see what they give their kids and how many of them survive. Third, babies don't know if anyone else has spit-up or pooped in their baby stuff. Therefore, I am trying to spend as little as possible and only on necessary items. The only thing I have purchased new is the travel system (stroller/car seat) because safety does come first. And my parents actually bought it for me. And I got it at the NEX, so it was about $50 less than it would have been anywhere else (I'm not supposed to discuss how much money we can save at the NEX, but just remember, my husband is gone ALL THE TIME, so I deserve cheaper stuff). My next door neighbor gave me a high chair (I tried to pay her for it, but she wouldn't have it) and I troll the local consignment store about once a week. I've managed to snag a $80 swing for $35 and a $18 bathtub for $5. I check up on Craig's list every couple of hours, and there, I have managed to get a breast pump ($40 less than the store and still in the box), a bumbo seat and a play-mat (total of $30 off of store prices). Um, that is actually all I have at this point. But I'm working on it.

The point is, I don't work and I have the time to try to save money. I've talked to other moms and I'm trying to figure out what I really need. And, I've talked to IQ about all of this. I've taken her to the consignment store and when I've picked up stuff off of Craig's list. But does she listen? Noooooooooo!!! Before IQ Jr. was born, they went and bought a bassinet (more than $100) and a stroller (they thought it came with the car seat. It didn't). They didn't do any research and they didn't go to the NEX. After IQ Jr. was born (who is adorable, by the way, I babysat the other night and his smile will just make you melt), they went to the store and bought a swing. At full price. The expensive swing. And they've only put IQ Jr. in it once. It's not that he didn't like it, they just choose never to use it. I told IQ that we weren't getting a bassinet because we wanted to get a pack n' play with a bassinet on it (we travel a lot, this made more sense). Thus, the next time we went to Target, she decided she needed a pack n' play. No, I don't know why. I even told her that could find one on Craig's list for half the price. She didn't care. At least they actually use it. So, IQ Jr. is getting bigger (he's 4 months) so they needed a crib. I told her that both the consignment place and Craig's list had great cribs for pretty cheap. Did they do that? No. Did they buy a full price crib at Target or go to the NEX? No. They went to the place in the strip mall next to their apartment where they paid (are you sitting down?) $550 for a new crib. Yes, you read that right. They paid Five Hundred and Fifty dollars for a new crib, and the place won't even deliver it, they have to pick it up, and I'm willing to bet it doesn't include a mattress. I just checked Target and Babies r Us and they both have a HUGE number of cribs for between $150 and $300. And they deliver.

As I mentioned before, I'm having a hard time suffering fools. I actually told them that they got ripped off and it was stupid to not only pay that much for a crib, but to pay full price. IQ responded, Well, this is a three-in-one crib and this way if we have another kid, they can use it. Yes, because if I buy a cheaper or used crib, I can't reuse it!!! The sad part: they take such bad care of their stuff that the crib will be trashed before they can even think of having another kid (which I pray to God they never do). I guess it's their money and they can do with it what they want, but good grief. I hope you can use that three-in-one crib until the kids turns 18.

Why having IQ can kill your brain

I'm sure many of you are aware that it is Labor Day weekend, which means, just about everyone gets Monday off from work. I was talking to IQ about the weekend, and she complained that Mr. IQ had a short weekend. I asked if he had duty this weekend (when they have to spend 24 hours on the ship, "guarding" it). She said no. I pointed out that he got Monday off, right?!? Yes, he does. Well, doesn't that mean he has a three day weekend when normally he would only have a two day weekend. Yes, yes it does. Well, doesn't that make it a long weekend, instead of a short weekend? But, she pointed out, he didn't get a whole week off. No, no he doesn't because it is called a weekEND, meaning, just the end of the week, not the entire week. And then my brain exploded.

I honestly think that she believes that if Mr. IQ wasn't in the Navy, he wouldn't ever have to go to work. Seriously.

How big?

I would like to say thank you to those of you who have offered to send me gifts. I really appreciate it, and it makes me feel guilty. I'm not good with giving gifts. I'll make you banana bread and bring it to you, clean your house and babysit for you, but gifts, I'm not so good at. And since you all live far, far away, making you banana bread, cleaning your house and babysitting your babies really isn't practical. So thank you. You make me feel special.

Today I had an appointment with a fetal medicine doctor. I have this weird placenta thing (I have an extra one: do you think I could sell it on Craig's list?). Anyway, they're afraid that the cord may be in a weird place and therefore, the baby may not be growing enough. I was a little nervous for a couple of reasons. First, (if I've already said this, sorry) Wes's ship gets back on Oct. 7th. Then it leaves again on Nov. 7th for three weeks. I'm due on Nov. 8th. Wes was told that if I have the baby after Nov. 7th, he doesn't have to leave with the ship. He would be able to stay here for THREE WHOLE WEEKS!!!! WITHOUT WORKING!!!! However, if I have the baby before the ship leaves on Nov. 7th, he has to go with it (even if I have the baby on Nov. 6th, unless we could hide it). But if the baby isn't getting the nourishment she needs, they would induce early, which means Wes would have to go. That would be horrible. Second (and this probably should have been first), I want my baby to be healthy. Third, I had this fear they would tell me it's actually a boy. Not that I don't want a boy, but I've already told everyone it's a girl and we have a name picked out and now I want a girl.

Sooooo, it's still a girl!!! Which is exciting. And, the baby is normal size. Matter of fact, according to all the pregnancy web sites and books, she's actually really kind of big. But the doctor said she is a completely normal size. They said she weighs 3 lbs, 13 oz. And they confirmed where she is (I mean, besides my tummy). Her head is on my left side, a little below my belly button and her body and butt are on my upper right hand side. She's rolled around and kicked, but she hasn't actually moved from this position for about a month (although she is moving down, which is good). Although the doctor was my mom's age, I don't think he's ever seen a placenta like mine before. He seemed very, well, not confused, but just surprised. So I guess I'm special. Anyway, for now, things look good, and I go back in a month, just to make sure.

The difficulties of cooking pasta

As this pregnancy moves along, and I get bigger and bigger, and more and more uncomfortable, I find it harder and harder to suffer fools. This makes it quite difficult to spend time with IQ, talk to IQ, think about IQ. So I thought if I told some IQ stories, it would make me feel better.

I first met IQ the week Wes and I eloped. There was a formal naval dinner (and I looked great!) for all the officers and their wives/girlfriends. Wes's ship is fairly small, so I literally met everyone there. When he introduced me to Mr. IQ and IQ, he mentioned I was working on my Ph.D. IQ looked at me, with all sincerity, and said, "hey that's cool, because I'm working on my bar tending licence." We moved away and I looked at Wes and asked, "Did she seriously just compare working on a Ph.D to getting a bar tending licence?" Yes, yes she did. I vowed that I would try to stay away from her after that.

The next interaction I had with her was more than a year later. The ship was deployed and our two husbands were being flown back to attend school in Rhode Island. Now, IQ doesn't drive, but like me, she wanted to spend some time with her husband. I offered to drive her back from Rhode Island. She couldn't help drive, but at least she could help me stay awake. I figured I would just make the best of it. I learned several things that day. First, she grew up in foster care because her parents didn't know how to take care of her. Second, she is aware that she is learning disabled (and blames everything she doesn't want to do on that, but that's a different story) and third, she wants to be a cook and start her own restaurant.

I love to cook! Great, we have something in common. We can talk about that!!! Yay!!! So, what do you like to cook? Her: Well, I've made soup before. Me: What kind of soup? Her: I don't remember. Me: um, ok, anything else? Her: I can make spaghetti. And that was the end of that conversation because apparently, that's all she knew how to cook.

After the guys completed the 6 week school, they had to go back to the ship. They were gone like 2 weeks before they got back. I took IQ to the pier to get the guys. She was very upset because her husband had duty, meaning, he wasn't able to come home. Her: I'm so mad!!! I can't believe he has duty. And I bought him his favorite Hungry Man for dinner too. So said the woman who wants to be a cook.

Over the next couple of months, I discovered that she doesn't actually cook ANYTHING!!! And what she does "cook" is stuff from the frozen food section and she microwaves it (including mashed potatoes. Who doesn't make their own mash potatoes?)!!! Several times I would tell her what "exotic" food I was cooking and she would complain that it took too long or was too hard or what is Indian food anyway. If you wanted to be a cook, wouldn't you actually cook stuff? Once she showed me the syllabus to the cooking school she wanted to attend (and I have to give her credit for actually taking the initiative and doing something, because, as my next IQ blog will show, she never actually does anything). I noticed that one of the classes was only about weights and measures. IQ had told me that she wasn't very good at math (actually, she told me her family had gotten her a leap frog math game to help her). I pointed out that that would be a very difficult class for her (and for me). She laughed and said that because of her disability, she didn't have to take the class and they would just have to understand that. I didn't feel the need to explain to her that that is NOT how the American with disabilities act works (after working at a university as a TA, I kind of know how it works). I knew she would never actually get to school anyway.

Fast forward ahead to this year. She wants me to come over for dinner. She is making spaghetti. I try to ignore the fact that her house is disgusting (more on that next post). I figured she knew how to make spaghetti, since she told me she did. I get there, there's a big pot of water on the stove. Every couple of minutes she would yell for Mr. IQ to come check the water to see if it was time to put the spaghetti in. Apparently, she can't tell when water is boiling. Finally, it was good enough. So she put it in. Then, after that, she kept yelling at him to tell her when it was done. She doesn't make her own sauce, she opened up a jar of sauce. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with jarred sauce, except for the fact that she claims she wants to be a cook and she claimed that she knows how to make spaghetti. Then she made pudding, and again, had to ask Mr. IQ if it was done (it was instant pudding). Overall, a very interesting night. All I can say, if you ever see a restaurant owned by IQ, don't eat there.

A few bright spots

I haven't written anything lately because it would look like this: I'm so uncomfortable!!! I can't sleep!!! It's hard to clean my house!!! I miss my husband!!! I have no baby stuff, no one to throw me a shower and a baby that will be here soon!!! And really, who wants to read that?

The house is slowly getting under control. I had a yard sale yesterday and sold a whopping $2.50 worth of stuff. So I divided the stuff up and I'm going to call the people who recycle computer stuff to come pick up that stuff, I have the stuff that will go to Goodwill and then the stuff I'm going to try to sell on Craig's list. Because I had more than 15 sweaters out there and nice business casual clothes. Now that I live in Virginia instead of Wisconsin, I don't really need 25 sweaters and since I'd gained weight before I got pregnant, I'll never fit in those size 2 khakis again (at least, I really hope not. I was too skinny). But I might as well try to get some money of that stuff. I have baby stuff I need to buy!

I updated my baby registry yesterday. I really am trying to keep it simple, but I still ended up with 47 items on my list. Now, a lot of that is burp clothes, blankets, bibs, you know, small stuff. But, I also need some really big stuff, like, I don't know, a place for the baby to sleep (I'm not doing co-sleeping because I have a huge fear of rolling over and smothering the baby). My husband's side of the family keeps telling me they're going to get me something, but I don't know what that is. A crib, a swing, a pack of diapers, pacifiers, what? And I don't want to buy a crib and then get the gripe that "We were going to get you that." Well, it would have been nice to know. I guess I just need to call my father-in-law and tell him that I'm not having a shower and then plain out ask what they were planning on getting us. Don't get me wrong, friends have already gotten me stuff, so it's not like I won't have anything, I just won't get to open up stuff with friends and family here and have cake. And, when updating my registry, I noticed that almost 10 items (relatively big items, like the swing, the pack n' play and all the nursery stuff) is temporarily out of stock. So now I think I'm going to register at Babies r us in addition to Target, because maybe their baby stuff is in stock. Who knows? (Also, if you're reading this and wondering why I did not register for baby clothes, it's because everyone likes to buy little girl clothes, and I didn't want to dictate the fun of that. But I should add, we have no baby clothes.)

Now, on to the bright spots. My husband called me after 4 days of not hearing from him. Yay! I got to talk to my friend Tiffany after playing phone and e-mail tag for a week or two. Yay! The gym's pool opened back up. Triple yay!!! I love to swim. And, to top everything off, I discovered that Ben and Jerry's makes frozen yogurt!!! In chocolate fudge brownie flavor!!! Life can't get any better than that!!!

It's not grandma's, but it's home

I made it home!!! Only 45 minutes later than I was supposed to (thanks thunderstorm!) which means I got home at midnight. After sitting in a car for 4 hours and then a plane for 4 hours, I didn't do much yesterday. I did go get groceries and discovered, to my delight, that the commissary now carries Virginia grown produce, so I didn't have to make a separate trip to the local farmers' market. However, upon getting home, I realized my air conditioner wasn't working. Thankfully they were able to get it fixed on the same day. But let's look at some pictures of my Minnesota trip!

This is my grandma, brother and Phoenix

The two girls are cousins' kids and then Phoenix (who is a year older than both of them)

We took the middle one to church with us, and everyone thought she was mine because we look alike. Half of us cousins got the Scandinavian coloring of my grandma and all look alike.

My cousin's husband, her baby, (who is adorable) my cousin Shante and me.

Shante is the cousin I feel closest to and spend the most time with (she drove me the four hours to my grandma's and then back again).

Here is the quilt that I made!

I had a great time in Minnesota, but it was also a little sad. When I go, I usually have grandma all to myself for most of the time. But now (or after the birth of Navy Bean) it won't be that simple. It'll be harder to get there and I'll have to share my grandma! I want my baby to know her though, because, other than my mom, she has been the most influential and important woman in my life. I love my grandma so much and I hope she's around for another 20 years or so (it could happen. She has had several family members make it past 100).

But, I am glad to be home. I am still really uncomfortable, but the little Navy Bean has decided that under my ribs is not very comfortable. I'm trying to clean my house, but not just clean it, spring clean it. This is a little difficult because of all the breaks I have to take, my lack of flexibility and the fact that I just can't lift very much. The good news it, I don't have anything else to do until she is born. I'm hoping this time both flies by and stands still.

Time flies when someone's kicking you

I have hit the final trimester, otherwise known as, the time when you will never be comfortable. Ever. No matter what you try to do, walk, stand, sit, lie down, stretch, whatever, it will hurt somewhere. I have discovered my tailbone. And it hurts. Now I know some of that weight I gained went to my butt, so why isn't it working like a cushion. My grandma was delighted the other day when I placed her hand on my belly and she got kicked about 4 times in less than 10 seconds, but then she asked, alarmed, "What is she doing in there?" I'm not really sure. Moving furniture? I think we may need to change her name from Navy Bean to Jumping Bean. The kicks and hits are coming from farther and farther places on my belly, and I noticed, today, for the first time, that she is obviously trying to place her small body in even smaller places she has never ventured before. Like under my ribs. Maybe that's where she's putting the couch.

This week we watched my cousin's four year old daughter. The first day, she played with the balloons from my grandma's birthday for about an hour. After a while, I got up to walk into the kitchen and she looked at me very strangely. "Hey, is that a balloon under your shirt?" "No, it's a baby." Then she looked at me even more strangely. She placed a balloon under her shirt. "Hey, is that a baby under your shirt?" "Noooooo! It's a balloon."

I am now working on a quilt. We'll see how much I get done before I leave. I'm hoping enough that I can figure out how to finish it when I get home. Well, that's about it here for now.

That's just great!

I am using the internet at the library of a small, rural Minnesota farming community. I cannot get into facebook, because apparently, too may people post naked pictures of themselves on facebook. However, since all my facebook friends are either relatives or people I met at church in Wisconsin, not being able to get there is a tad bit ironic. Also, I cannot get to one of the blogs I normally read. Check out my links and guess which one! But at least I can check e-mail and post stuff here.

My grandma's 80th birthday party went great. Well, as great as a party, organized by the most anal retentive bitchy (I didn't say that!) relative that no one likes can be. She managed to really piss my mom off, but she didn't cry or hit her (I would have done both and gotten away with it, because I'm pregnant!). Seeing all the family was wonderful, although I didn't have as much time with some of my cousins as I would have liked. Funnily, I was able to spend more time with my brother here than when I go home (we shared a motel room, and at home there's always 50 people around). That was really nice. However, I am tired of all the women in my grandma's generation, who haven't had babies in 50 years, tell me how huge I am. I don't know how many times I had to verify that yes, I'm only 6 months, there's only one, and yes I know for sure the conception date because my husband is in the navy and is never home, thus, very easy to figure out when it happened. Besides, I CAN STILL SEE MY STUPID FEET, so I'm not that big (I cannot however, reach them very easily). But they're all gone now, so I don't have to worry about it. Now, I'll just make sure I walk plenty and eat as well as I can.

Well, I hope everyone is well. Who knows when I will get back here again to update.

Birds, birds, everywhere

Turns out Florida is a great place to go bird watching. I identified 13 new birds in one week. I probably could have done more, but the one day my husband and I went bird watching, he tried to kill me by making me go on a 3 mile hike with 1000% humidity and then got us lost. I spent most of the hike trying not to pass out or push my husband into all the huge spider webs we were passing (this would have killed him, as he is deathly afraid of spiders). Good times! Thank god for Gatorade.

This is a juvenile tri-colored heron

ok, this picture proves I need a better camera

This is a pileated woodpecker and it looks like Woody the Woodpecker

This is an Anhinga

Obviously I did not get pictures of all the birds I saw. Lucky for you. Today I've been running around trying to get everything done before I leave tomorrow. I'm going to rural Minnesota, otherwise known as the place that my cell phone doesn't work and no one has wireless to steal. I'm going to try to get a couple of extra blogs written before I leave, but I have a feeling that won't happen. I also got caught in the rain today. And did I mention that even though we still have our credit cards, someone else has been using them too. Fun times, trying to get that cleared up! And the cab comes to get me at 5:30am. Yes, you read that right. So, if you don't hear from me for a couple of weeks, I'm ok. Probably just a little bored!

Florida wildlife

In addition to birds (which I'll get to tomorrow) Florida has a wide variety of wildlife.

There were lizards everywhere!

This guy was alive and it was amazing to watch it move!

This guy was actually dead, but I saw more than one of them!

This is close as the crabs would let you get.

We also saw a raccoon, in the middle of the day, walking down the golf course sidewalk. Yes, the sidewalk. It was one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. I found a couple of shells that I kept too, including a sand-dollar (which I should find to make sure it didn't break on the way back home). And did I mention the dolphins that swam by a couple of times a day? They were pretty cool as well. I am still sad that the only alligator I saw was far, far away and I only saw him because I had my binoculars. I wish I could have gotten a picture of one. I guess I'm just going to have to go back (the locals all looked at me like I was crazy when I kept asking about where to see alligators).

My contractions have stopped. Unfortunately the pool at the gym was closed today, but I am feeling much better. I'm still taking it easy though and drinking enough water to float away. I went to Goodwill and bought a couple of cute tops for my next trip. Before I left for Florida, people thought I looked too small for how far along I was (I'm 25 weeks now). Now, they're commenting that they doubt I'll make it to my due date. Thanks! But as my husband said, I look huge because I'm tiny to begin with and everything I've gained has gone to my tummy (and my cottage cheese thighs, but we're just ignoring them right now). Someone tried to convince me I was having a boy because of how I'm carrying, even arguing with the two ultrasounds that prove otherwise! I can tell that the third trimester is going to be ever so much fun when it comes to the public!

Besides getting a couple of cute tops, I also enrolled in a couple of classes. Many things about the navy sucks, but they do try to provide support for their families. I have already taken a budgeting for baby class (for free) that offered about $100 worth of free baby stuff (I have crib sheets, but no crib!). Today I signed up for a breastfeeding class and a baby boot camp class (both free!). Who knows if I'll learn anything, but since I feel like I don't know anything right now, I think I'll get something out of them (and more free stuff on top of it). It's too early to sign up for October's childbirth classes, so I'll do that when I get home from Minnesota. I also signed up for a Red Cross First Aid/CPR for adults, infants and children class. I know I could just sign up for the shorter Infants CPR, but I figured the extra knowledge wouldn't hurt (my sister was a SIDs baby that survived). That class isn't free, but I think very worth it. I know everyone keeps telling me that once the baby is here nothing I've learned will apply anyway, but I'm hoping some of it will be useful! Did I mention that I love watching my tummy now! But she is a little stinker and she knew when her daddy was trying to feel her move. She would wait him out and then move about half a second after he got tired! I'm going to have a handful!

I'm back and I have wireless!

I guess I'll start at the beginning. The place we stayed at in Florida had wireless, it just never worked for more than 4 minutes at a time, making it difficult to post a blog.

So, Wes's kids did not know he was coming home for two days. On Friday morning I told them I had to pick a friend up from the airport. On the way to the airport, peppered with questions, I told them it was a guy, which seemed to shock them, but that he had gone to high school with their dad and I. And, I hadn't seen him in a while, but he had told me he had grown a ridiculous looking mustache (they get bored on the ship, and what better time to look ridiculous than when he's not with me). I spotted him right away and pointed out the ridiculous looking mustache to the kids. They were in shock. Almost as much shock as when I told them I was pregnant. They were also afraid of the mustache. I'm sure you'll understand why. I made him shave it the second we got home and then the rest of the weekend was spent on the go. It went by quickly and then we dropped the kids off and head to Florida!

A very ridiculous looking mustache!

You can't tell I've gained 21 lbs from this picture!

Our hotel was right on the beach. It took about 3 minutes to walk down there. I was able to watch dolphins from our balcony everyday! Wes had to work during the day, so I would take a walk on the beach in the morning and then read in the afternoon until he got off work. We went to the beach a couple of times and did some bird watching (that will be another post).

Doesn't he look better without that thing on his face?

My friend Sarah and I.

My friend Sarah, who moved at the beginning of June, was there visiting her husband too, so we all went out to dinner. Overall, I really liked Florida and it was wonderful getting to see my husband. On the morning I left, he cried (well, he teared up and when I asked him if he were crying, he just said I should probably leave right away).

I'm back home, after a 10 and a 1/2 hour drive yesterday. Which is why I've been having contractions all day today. They go away if I don't move and drink lots of water, but sometimes, I get tired of lying in bed! I had a doctor's appointment this morning and they basically said it was probably the drive, but contact someone if they don't eventually go away. They better go away, I leave on Friday for another 2 weeks! I plan on writing my posts before I leave so when I do get internet access, I'll just be able to post without writing.

Is the week over yet?

Things are going well with the kids, but I could really use a nap. I am exhausted!!! The kids (up until today, at least) have been getting along great. However, today, they just seem tired of each other. It's also Allison's birthday today, so it's a great day to be mean to her. They've been going to VBS all week, but today was the last day. And while they were gone, instead of taking naps, I did useless things like run errands, go to the grocery store, clean the house. You know, stuff like that. I did buy my super, deluxe travel system, but it's still in the box. Yesterday the kids made stuff for the baby, so that was good, but I'm ready for a nice long nap and at least a 1/2 to read without interruption. Tomorrow Wes gets here, which the kids don't know. So the next two days will be hectic and then Sunday we drive to Florida (without the kids). If you don't hear from me for a week, it's because I'm soaking up the sun on the beach!

That didn't go so bad!

Apparently I'm not as huge as I feel. I had originally decided to wear a tight shirt, one to show off my belly, to pick up the kids, but then decided maybe something a bit more subtle would be better. I guess it was too subtle. I had to tell Wes's x I was pregnant. Even she couldn't tell. We were talking over the kids' heads because I told her I wanted to tell them later. She congratulated me and then asked if it was planned. Hmmmmm???? I wonder why she asked?

We were eating lunch when I told the kids. Allison was very happy, but Victor thought I was joking and he didn't think it was funny. I finally pulled my shirt up to show him my belly. Then, he was just "shocked", and remained so for most of the day. Apparently he "wasn't expecting it." Allison was thrilled that it's a girl. Victor just rolled his eyes. They did have questions, but not the ones I was expecting. I had to explain several times that, no, your mom will not be the baby's step mom, your step dad will not be the baby's step dad and your stepbrothers are in no way related to the baby. I think they finally got it. Then they wanted to know who knew I was pregnant first (um, me!) and if we wanted a baby (yes!), will daddy be home for the birth (he better be!) and if they would be here for that (probably not).

Victor did make one very strange comment (several times). He told Allison not to get too excited because the baby could die when it was born, because that happens all the time. I explained that it does happen in poor countries like Africa, where there aren't enough doctor's or medicine, but that in America, it doesn't happen very often. I don't know if he was hoping or if he was worrying about it. Later he got very upset when he realized we have stairs and what if the baby falls down them and gets hurt?!? Well, we'll get a baby gate.

Allison wanted to know what we're going to name the baby. About two hours later she told me she thought Navy Bean was a beautiful name. I'm glad she approves. Victor wanted to know how we could name the baby without knowing what it looks like. A good point, but since we don't really have a back-up name, Navy Bean it will be. Victor also wanted to know what she would look like, so we talked about how Wes and I looked and how that might make the baby look. Allison wanted to know if it would be crawling when they came to see the baby at Thanksgiving (I'm due the 8th of Nov.) and I had to tell her no. Victor quickly pointed out to her that she wasted her time hoping for a little sister to play with since it wouldn't be able to play for several years. So then we discussed what kind of playing they could do with the baby.

Now, all these conversations have been spread out over a couple of days. It's not been baby time 24 hours a day. We've also played hero scape, monopoly, life, uno, and kids' trivial pursuit. But, the baby finally moved yesterday when the kids were right there so I let them feel it (they wanted to know how I knew it was the baby). They looked at me like I was that guy from Alien, you know, the one who has the alien pop out of his chest. I think it freaked them out just a little bit. Today, we're going to go to Target so they can see what I registered for. Allison actually wants to buy something for the baby, but I think we'll wait on that. Maybe I'll just have her draw a picture for the baby's room or something like that.

Oh, Victor did say at one point that he was scared when I told them I was pregnant. He didn't elaborate, but I told him that the baby didn't change how much we loved them, how much we wanted to see them and that we still want them to come live with us. I guess things are still not much better over there. Matter of fact, he was telling me that his mom thinks he's going to flunk out of middle school and because of this, he's not sure if he'll be smart enough to go to college (he's 10 and going into 5th grade. While school is important, I don't think this is the best way to impart that). He's also back on his medication because they didn't want to deal with teaching him how to handle his emotions (that's really pretty much what she said). So, even though it went well, I know that it's not always going to go this well. But this is a good start.

Say what now?

I'm going to get my husband's kids today. I haven't seen them since my husband left, since his x doesn't see any reason in driving them 1 1/2 hours just to see me (they live 3 hours away). I understand this, yet, my husband and I are really trying to instill in them that we are all a family, and if they're never here, how does that work? But right now, my main issue, my main fear, is that they don't know I'm pregnant. Yes, various people think we should have e-mailed them, or called them and just told them. But we want to be in charge of that conversation and that situation, and we wanted to give them time with just us (or me) to ask questions, talk about their fears, and try to make it feel normal. Yes, we are afraid of what his x might say to the kids. We've heard enough from the kids to know that she is not always honest with them about the divorce, about my husband's career, about the entire situation. Why wouldn't she try to twist this into something bad as well. Now, don't get me wrong. She doesn't talk bad about my husband and when he's home, we get the kids as much as we want. However, when it comes to the divorce, she obviously can't tell the truth (well kids, Anthony was just better in bed and he told me he had a lot more money than your dad, so I left) (Also, I am not indicating that I believe Anthony is better in bed. I have met Anthony and I actually have a hard time imagining Anthony having sex with a woman.). Therefore, the reasons she gives the kids for the divorce are just ludicrous: he choose the navy over the kids, he pays the navy to work there, so he doesn't have any money (which is why we pay an arm and leg in child support), he doesn't love the kids, that's why she left (and gee, that's why we get them as much as possible, because we don't want them). I'm just wondering how this is going to go over. Yes, the kids knew we wanted more kids, but that doesn't mean they understood we would have them, or how that would change their lives. So I'm a bit worried. But I'm going to try to make it as good and exciting as possible. Send good thoughts my way.

Pack it up!

The baby's room, otherwise known as the office, is slowly, but surely, getting cleaned and organized. I almost cried when I had to pack up most of my books though. I only packed the books I have read, but still, how do I know I won't want to read Achebe, Conrad, Dickens, Atwood, or any of my other old favorites. I felt like I was packing up my friends. My husband assures me it is only temporary, and I know it is. Not to mention the close to 200 books I didn't pack up because I haven't read them yet, or the three tall bookshelves in the dining room that are filled with my Russian literature and history books (yes, I've read almost all of these). Those, I just can't pack. Thankfully, I don't have to. But it is slowly sinking in that my life is about to radically change. This time, two years ago, I was working on a dissertation proposal, looking forward to doing a year long research trip to Russia and hoping that someday I would be a professor. Now, I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant, have two step-kids, and a husband who is a naval officer. I want to eventually become a middle school teacher, but really want to be a stay at home mom first. Life is funny. And I'm very happy, but very scared as well.

This is my first baby. We have no baby things. My husband's kids are 10 and 7 and even if they had kept the baby stuff, they would have gotten rid of it during the divorce. Several people have asked me about a baby shower. I don't think I'm going to have a baby shower. You see, I'm not really that good at making friends. I lived in Texas for 14 years and the only friend I took away with me (other than my husband, but he was more like an acquaintance for the 15 years before we got married) is Camille. And I love Camille with all my heart and she more than makes up for any lack of friends on my part. In Madison, it was easy for me to make friends. We were all in graduate school together. I actually made a lot of friends there, people I'm still in touch with, even though hardly any of us are in Madison now. But here, here it's been harder. When you're a substitute teacher, you move around and don't stay anyplace long enough to make friends. And every time another navy wife and I become friends, they end up moving away. IQ doesn't really count as a friend. But, I finally met someone I really like and someone who wasn't in the navy and someone who wanted to give me a baby shower (one of the navy wife's did too, but then she moved). I met this person through IQ but she is smart and funny and I really like her. She's moving next week to California. Go figure. So, that leaves nobody to give me a baby shower. I go to church and I'm in a Sunday school class, but it's a hard way to make real friends. I'm a little disappointed about not having a baby shower, but I know I'll be getting packages from all over the country (and maybe the world). I'd still like to have a friend who lives here though. Camille, why can't you move here???

Two down

I know I should be reading books I've never read before, but I decided I couldn't pack away Salman Rushdie's The Moor's Last Sigh without rereading it. I remembered it as my favorite Rushdie book, and it did not disappoint.

The Moor's Last Sigh follows a wealthy Indian house for four generations. They have made their money through the spice trade. They claim they are descendants from Vasco de Gama (from the wrong side of the sheets), and they are Catholic. The family is ruled by strong women and eventually, is destroyed by stronger/weaker men. There is no harmony in this family. They destroy one another, as if it were sport. The narrator of the story is the last of them, the Moor, and with his death comes the death of the family.

Epifania and her husband have two sons, Camoens and Aires. Epifania rules the household and Aires is her favorite. However, Aires and his wife, Carmen, are unable to produce children, mostly because Aires is gay and he and his wife never have sex. Camoens brings home a beautiful, strong-willed orphan, Isabella. While Epifania is trying to gain control of the business (her husband left her an allowance, but not the business upon his death) she ends up destroying the business and the family. Aires and Camoens are sent to prison (for allowing riots and such, this is during British rule) and while they are gone, Isabella takes over the business and the house. She builds the business back up and manages to establish some sort of peace within the house. However, she often neglects her only child, Aurora. Bella continues to keep control, even after the release of Camoens and Aires and eventually, she buys Aires 50% of the business. Unfortunately, she dies from lung cancer when Aurora is just 13 years old. Not long after that, her father takes a swim in the ocean that he had no intention of returning from.

During this time, Aurora has developed her artistic talents and has discovered she is indeed a wonderful painter. One night, while wandering around, she discovers her grandmother, Epifania, whom she blames for her mother's death, in the chapel and she suffers a stroke. She calmly sits down and watches her grandmother die. With her last breath, Epifania curses her granddaughter and her house. From this point on, it is Aurora's story.

At the age of 15, Aurora meets and instantly falls in love with Abraham Zogoiby, a Sepharic Jew who is 20 years her senior. No one will marry them, so they claim they are married and proceed to have 4 children. Abraham turns the family business into a vast network of black market activities, while Aurora concentrates on her artwork. The three girls they have are not so important to the story, but since their son, the Moor, is their narrator, he is very interesting.

The Moor was born after only 4 1/2 months in the womb. He was born with a club instead of a right hand and ages at twice the speed of normal people. Although the story is very interesting until this point, this is where it really takes off, with the man who is telling his own story. It is a story of twisted love, betrayal, hate, betrayal, more twisted love, and so many strange things that you don't know what to believe. In the end, having killed themselves off (or being killed by others) he is the only one left and he is running for his life.

This is a great book, and very different from The Satanic Verses. Rushdie is a master at creating a situation where one is willing to suspend disbelief. This is a book, where upon finishing, you still can't decide who you believe. Was it Abraham who killed Aurora, or one of her spurned lovers? Was the Moor's lover trying to kill him to destroy his mother, or was the poison meant for herself? Is anything as it seems? I'm glad I reread it before I packed it away.

I'll take that to go

I had a dream that I had the baby last night. In the dream, my pregnant friend had a baby (I don't have a pregnant friend) at our house, but her placenta was missing. I then went into labor, had the baby in about 3 minutes (I pray to God this is what will happen) and then pulled my placenta out, cleaned up the baby and dressed her. Then Wes called (in my dream) and was a spoil-sport by insisting I take her to the hospital to get everything checked out. Very weird.

I haven't been doing a lot. Just cleaning the future baby's room, swimming (I love swimming), reading, a lot, and I bought a sewing machine, but I'm afraid to touch it and realized I don't have any thread anyway (been checking Craigslist for material). I've also spent a lot of time being kicked and punched at the same time. At least that's what I'm assuming, unless my child is already doing the splits. They're still not hard, they're just very, very frequent.

IQ, being the nice person that she is, invited me over to her place for 4th of July. This puts me in quite a bind. You see, her house is filthy. Like, disgusting. Like, I don't want to eat or use the bathroom there. They have two cats and maybe clean the litter box once a week. She hasn't vacuumed since a month before the baby was born (he's 2 months old), and there's just crap everywhere. She wanted me to help her get a cleaning lady, but I can't because a cleaning lady will not come in and pick up all that crap (I mean, trash, junk mail, stuff from the store, baby stuff, you name it, it is all over the place). A cleaning lady will come in and vacuum the floor she can find, which at IQs is next to nothing. They leave the tummy time baby blankets on the floor, and let the cats walk and sleep on them. DISGUSTING. IQ did tell me she was cleaning up for the 4th though. I guess she actually loaded the dishwasher yesterday. Yes, that is her idea of cleaning. But the point is, I don't want to be there and sooner or later, I'm going to have to tell her why. Fortunately, right now, I have a great excuse.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FURNITURE!!! Yes, they don't have any furniture. No, I don't know why exactly, but I can speculate. IQ is given $800 a month by her husband. This is to cover food and household supplies. If my husband gave me $800 a month, I would have furniture. But not IQ, oh no, she usually runs out of money before the end of the month. What does she spend it on? JUNK!!! and FAST FOOD!!! We went to Target the other day and she mentioned she doesn't have a pack n' play. She doesn't need a pack n' play, at least right now. The baby sleeps in a bassinet. I told her, you can find one on Craigslist for cheap, you don't need to buy a new one (one gripe about Craigslist. What is it with people who claim baby items are barely used because the baby only used them constantly for 6 months and then try to sell the item for only $10 less than Target sells it brand new? Have these people read the baby books to know that babies are only babies a very short period of time and six months of constant usage does not a practically new item make?). Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, pack n' play. We get to Target. Guess what IQ buys? Um hm. Then she gets home and finds out one side doesn't work. Does she take it back? No. She keeps it. Which means, by the time the kid can pull himself up, they won't be able to us it anymore. And, while we were at Target, she decided she needed a new charger for one of her game thingies. Why? Because she already has two of them but doesn't know where they are in the house. GO HOME AND CLEAN YOUR FREAKING HOUSE!!! Don't buy another one. Thus, why she always runs out of money and her house is a mess. Even if they wanted to buy furniture right now, there's no place to put it because THERE IS CRAP EVERYWHERE!!!

So, for now, as a pregnant lady, I can use the lack of places to sit as a decent excuse to not go over there. But once they get furniture, I might just have to straight up tell her her house is gross. And yes, I have gone over there and tried to help her organize, but after 10 minutes she's tired because it's hard and she'd rather play WOW. And yes, her house looked like this before she got pregnant. And I'm not picking her up and bringing her over here to have play dates. If she wants to come over here, she needs to get her driver's license. I'm think I'm ranted out. Wow, I feel much better now. Thank you for listening. And I promise, the next IQ story will be much funnier (actually I have at least two that are hilarious, but you kind of had to get this one first to REALLY appreciate them).

I hope everyone has a fun and safe July 4th!

1 down, 99 to go

Ok, I don't really expect to read 100 books before the baby is born. Do I own 100 books that I have never read. Yes, yes I do. I do hope to get through at least a book a week though, which would get me to 20 (in addition to mommy books and such).

I just finished The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy. When I was 15 I read Tess of the d'Urbervilles which I just thought was spectacular (I actually remember telling Camille's mom all about this book). I mean, Tess is wronged, sexually, by a noble and it costs her her reputation and later, her husband. In the end of the book, she stabs the guy to death. STABS HIM TO DEATH!!!! Then she flees to Stonehenge, where she dies. How is that not a great book for a 15 year old girl? After reading that, I bought every Hardy book I came across. However, I never read any of them. Yes, a little strange, but then I went to college for 12 years (and three degrees).

Anyway, back to The Mayor. Other than the older English and the English dialogue, this is another great book. Michael Henchard gets drunk one night and sells his wife and young daughter. Fast forward 19 years, when his wife, after realizing the sale wasn't legally binding (and finding out that her "new" husband has died) returns to find Michael. Michael, disgusted with himself for what he had done, swore off alcohol, and turned his life around. His wife finds him to be one of the richest men in town and he has become mayor. Yet, alas, this is but the beginning of the story.

Although Michael has sworn off drinking, his personality and temper have not changed, and the rest of the book tells of his downfall due to both. This downfall involves a Scotsman, who he convinces to stay in town and work with him, an old lover, and his daughter, who turns out not to be his, but husband number 2's. Every action of Michael's becomes painful, as the reader realizes the dire consequences for his behavior. Like a horror film when you wonder, Why are you going into that room! In the end, he is able to do what is right, but it takes every last bit of energy and life he has.

The Mayor doesn't have the feminist appeal of Tess but Hardy's understanding of human character is amazing. He is a great writer and his characters are consistent. While I'm going to read a book by someone else now, I will return to the stack of Hardy books that I own.

IQ makes me laugh

Although being friends with IQ is very stressful, she does at least provide comic relief.

IQ became pregnant because she couldn't remember to take her pills and the shot hurt too much. She claims her husband knew she wasn't on birth control, but I have to wonder. Anyway, she has decided to go with an IUD. I personally think this is an excellent choice. Right now, they're just waiting for the ok to put the thing in (I'll spare the details). IQ had a doctor's appointment and I guess she had one last question for the doctor.

IQ to the doctor: Is it ok for me to have sex with the IUD in?

I'm hoping they accidentally tie her tubes while they're putting the IUD in. However, my mom did point out that at least this gives the doctor a heads up as to her mental ability and then there's one more person on the look-out to make sure she doesn't forgot about her baby and accidentally kill him.

Half way there

I'm 20 weeks, so technically, half way there. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and she told me that my baby is very active. She said it would be in my best interest to enroll her in soccer the minute she's born. The doctor actually had to find her and hold her down to get her heartbeat. This morning, I awoke to someone kicking or punching me repeatedly in the same spot. But she's still so tiny that my tummy barely fluttered every time I felt it. It made me laugh out loud, which of course, made her stop. I hope we can find constructive things to put that energy into, rather than tantrums!!!

Since I'm half way there, I thought I should probably go register. I went to target and had a lot of fun. We're going with frogs. Lots and lots of cute frogs. My neighbor told me she has a crib, pack n' play and various other items she will give me. I love her! My parents are going to buy me that superwhamedime (as my husband would say) travel system. Then I went and looked at the baby's future room and my head exploded (it's been doing that a lot lately).

This is the clean part of the baby's room!

Do you see my dilemma?

All the junk in here, has to go into the garage.

This was my garage before my garage sale.

My garage is much more organized now, but it still has a ton of stuff in it. I'm going to have another garage sale, probably in Sep. So for now, I'm just packing up the future baby's room. And then I realized I have a ton of books in there I've never read, and my head exploded again. Now, I'm going to spend as much time as possible reading as many books as possible before the baby's born, because I hate packing away books I haven't read. At least there's plenty of my husband's junk in there too. He has waaaaaay more crap in that room than I do. I'll just pack up all his stuff, while I'm reading and leave my stuff for the last possible moment. Since he doesn't get back until Oct. anyway, I should be able to get through quite a few books. Especially if I always having someone keeping me awake at night!

Not for all times

This past week I read the Soviet novel Not by Bread Alone by Vladimir Dudintsev. The book was published in 1956, after the death and denouncement of Stalin's terror. The front cover claims, "The novel that rocked the Soviet Union." I certainly see why it rocked the Soviet Union. Let's start with a little history.

Due to the totalitarianism of the Party of the Soviet Union (most people didn't realize that the Party ran everything, the government just fulfilled the Party's wishes), most people assumed that the State was the most important entity in the Soviet Union. However, this is totally against Party ideology. Society, the collective, the group, was the most important and it was the job if the Party to protect society, the collective, the group from bad stuff, most notably, the individualistic desires of the capitalistic bourgeoisie. Unfortunately, this "job" became institutionalized and bureaucratized to the point of detriment. This is the topic of Not by Bread Alone.

The main character, Lopatkin, starts as a school teacher, but he soon realizes that the local pipe factory is using a wasteful method of casting pipes. Yet, it is this same method that all pipe casting machines are using throughout the USSR. He quickly comes up with a better method, however, the local factory cannot attempt it without the approval of the Moscow Ministry of whoever casts pipes. However, this ministry is dominated by an older inventor, who is also looking for a better way, and thus, Lopatkin is silenced. He refuses to give up though, and over the next 8 years he continues improving his machine and continues writing letters and meets people and moves to Moscow. He also "steals" the wife of his chief bureaucrat who is holding him up, because this person too is working with a group making pipes from a similar design as Lopatkin. Actually, they stole it from him.

Why don't they want Lopatkin's pipe casting machine if it will save time and money? Quite simply, he is an individual who worked on his machine with maybe one or two people, while they are an organization, who had tens, if not hundreds, of people working on their machine (which still failed). In the end, Lopatkin succeeds and everyone else fails. Why? Because Lopatkin, although an individual, is working for the greater good of society, while all the bureaucrats are only working for the greater good of themselves and their retirement checks. So although he is not a collective, because he is the only one truly working for the collective, he wins.

I understand why this would have rocked the USSR. Here is a writer pointing out how the ideology had been turned on its head, how the Party had become the individual and how a non-party individual had wanted something for the collective. However, a wonderfully written novel for all times, it is not. It's too technical. Pages and pages of notes about pipe casting and iron quality and where to put valves and equations. Pages and pages of letter writing and complaining and inventing. And the Soviet Union has collapsed now. Why? Because we know that the Party did win, not the individual, and finally society realized the Party didn't have their best interest in mind, and got rid of it. Do I think this book should be disposed of as well? HELL NO!!!!

This book would make a great read in a graduate level course, perhaps as a companion piece to The Ghost of the Executed Engineer by Loren R. Graham. Graham's work is very short and a pretty easy read. The book discusses the fate of technology in the Soviet Union, starting with the Bolshevik Revolution and the difficulty of creating a new, industrially advanced society using engineers trained in a capitalistic society. Graham shows how the decisions of the first decade really affected the technology of the entire Soviet Union. I think these two books would work really well together and together give students a feel for the state of technology in the Soviet Union.

While I don't think Not by Bread Alone is a spectacular novel, written for any audience, I do think it is an amazing book. I applaud Vladimir Dudintsev's courage for writing such a book (it would have been published during the thaw, but even in the USSR, these things were short and one never knew when the current would turn). The book helped me more fully understand the process of bureaucratization in the Soviet Union and the struggles of those individuals who wanted what was best for society.

Missing husband found, with excellent excuse

My husband called me last night. He was very upset. Apparently, last week he was given 5 minutes to pack his stuff and head to a South American submarine, where he's been since then. No access to e-mail or phone. Since he was given very little time before he left, he was unable to let me know. He was hoping one of the guys would tell their wife who would tell me (which happened, but not until Wed, a week after he disappeared and a day before he called). So I decided to let him live, because really, there was nothing he could do about this situation.

Then we got on to the good stuff. He is very excited about having a little girl. And he wasn't that surprised. He said that he's been working around nukes so much, he doesn't know if he has any little guy swimmers left (for those of you who don't know, most of the navy is powered by nukes). But now we have to figure out a name. Unfortunately, my husband has dated a lot of women. So I tried going a more international route, which also backfired. My husband was stationed in Italy and Spain and has spent time in Germany so, there again, the good names are all gone. But I love Russia! Apparently, all Russian girl names are associated with whores (thanks James Bond!). But there are a few names we agree on, so I'll just keep working on him until he gets back, and if all else fails, I'll just fill out the birth certificate when he's not in the room.

Well, I'm off to the navy's budgeting for baby class. I can't wait to find out how much this is going to cost us (not the class, that's free, the baby). Good thing everyone I know plans on buying cute little girl clothes, otherwise this child might just go naked!

The unveiling

Blogspot is totally pissing me off because I've only added spaces in between my paragraphs FIVE times now and they keep erasing them. WTF!!!! I'm already having a pissy day!

I had my ultrasound on Friday. It was quick and painless. The baby is beautiful and healthy.

I can't wait to kiss that little foot!

Already practicing the wave!

This angle is much better than the frontal view!

And I'm very happy that we were indeed able to tell what it is. I would post those pictures, but it seems a little wrong to show your child's genitals off to the world! It's a little GIRL!!!! I cried. I probably would have cried if it had been a boy too. No, I would have definitely cried. Now it is real. I can start imagining what she's going to look like, what her personality is going to be like. Her fingers look decently long, maybe she'll be a great piano player. Hopefully she'll like to go bird watching. Maybe by the time she's one, she'll have hair (hair at birth doesn't really run in our family. And then, when it does come in, it's always super blond!). I hope she'll eventually have green eyes (mine turned green at puberty), but if not, they'll probably be blue (like everyone else in the family). We still don't have a name picked out, but everyone is throwing in their two cents (or what they think is worth two cents).

However, my husband doesn't know yet, and that brings me to the sad/angry portion of this blog. He was supposed to call me. I assumed, since I haven't heard from him, or gotten any responses to e-mail that their system was down. I found out yesterday, it's not. Well, I don't know about the phone system, but I do know about e-mail. So when I finally get to talk to my husband, I think we may have a go meet jesus conversation. I know that he's probably busy, but really, how long would it take to hit respond to an e-mail and type: We're really busy but I can't wait to talk to you about our baby. I'm so excited and I hope everything went ok. I love you, talk to you soon. Hey look, that took less than a minute for me to type! This was something that was supposed to be special and shared between us, where I could talk about my hopes and dreams and fears. Now, I just really don't care if he finds out or who he finds out from. I'm also going to be mean and point out that while someday his kids (the first ones) will judge their mom for what she did, they will also know how many times he e-mailed or called them when he was at sea and judge him for that as well. His job is difficult and time consuming, but we decided to have a baby and if he planned on only being a dad when it was easy for him, I might have made a different decision.

While everything about the baby was perfect (except the part where they show you the face. They should never do that to a new parent. It still looks like an alien), they did find something that could be bad. I have more than one placenta. And no, there is no twin who didn't make it. I just have a small piece of placenta (about 1/3 of the size of a normal one) that is thinly connected to the real placenta. Apparently she plans on staying extra long. But, if they hadn't have found this (I had to go back in yesterday for more pictures) the doctor could have left that extra piece of placenta in me after birth, which could have led to infection, and all the bad stuff that goes with that. So while that was slightly scary, at least they found it. And they verified that it is still a girl!

That's about it here. Now I really need to clean out the garage so I can move all the stuff in the office into the garage to make a baby's room. I'll post pictures of that later!

Hey! I felt that!

Last night, I felt a very definite kick, like a thwamp. There was no question about it. I had gotten up in the middle of night to go to the bathroom, and then I couldn't get back to sleep, so I was basically rolling from side to side, trying to get comfortable. I guess the little navy bean was getting motion sick or something, and it wanted me to just lie still already! And yesterday, I had someone rub my belly. But, at least it was someone I knew (another teacher at a school I sub at often). It was still weird. She thought I was only 3 months along, so that made me feel good too, because I do feel huge (18 weeks, 5 lbs gained).

This past week, two things happened that have really made me think about being a parent. One, I found myself standing in a completely empty room, three days in a row, with my hand over my heart, pledging allegiance to the American flag, outloud. This had always bothered me, the what to do when it's time for the pledge, but you're completely alone. I feel silly doing it, but I feel bad not doing it. But I realized that soon, I will not be alone and someone else will be watching my every action. I would rather feel silly, but display integrity, than brush it off and teach my kid disrespect.

Two, I had a friend stay with me a couple of days who has two kids of her own. Her kids are not bad, but the oldest is 3 1/2 years old, and my friend sees no point in disciplining her because she's just 3 1/2 years old. Um, because soon she's going to be 4 and then 5 and someday 10, 11 then the teenage years. She will tell her daughter to do/not do something, but not back it up. By doing that, she's teaching her daughter that she doesn't have to obey her. Which got me thinking about discipline. At one point, I even told my friend that I would have given her daughter a little (not painful, just shocking) smack on the leg. She then turned to her daughter and said, "See, you're lucky I'm your mommy because Stacia is mean." Ok then. Maybe I just want children that obey. And maybe I want to have friends who invite me to their houses because they know my children are well behaved and won't leave a disaster zone behind them (they won't). Maybe I just want children who respect me, others and themselves. Maybe I just want good kids.

Mish-mash

I realize I misspelled colposcopy my last post. Oh well. You all knew what I was talking about. I had my doctor's appointment last Friday. We heard the heartbeat (152) and I've gained a whopping 5 lbs total. Which is weird to me, because I feel huge, but I still weigh less than I did in January. I asked the doc about the whole colposcopy thing and she said that pregnancy hormones could increase the activity of abnormal cells and that yes, if I have cancer (still slim) it could hurt the baby. So I went ahead and scheduled one. They can't get me in until July 10th though, so I figure they must not be too worried. I also had the blood-serum test done, the one that checks for genetic markers. I'm not too worried about that, and besides, Wes and I asked for a baby and this is the baby God gave us, and even if it isn't "perfect" we're keeping this baby. Who are we to tell God he gave us the wrong baby? But if something is wrong, we want to be prepared and know what resources are available to give our baby the best possible life. Apparently the baby can now hear things outside the womb (otherwise known as my baby belly). I'm going to start reading to it this week. I'm currently reading History of the Modern World but Wes thinks that may be a bit disturbing. I guess I'll break out the box of children's books my mom gave us instead. And the big sonogram is scheduled for June 13th. We really want to find out what it is, so I will poke my tummy until this baby is in the right position! I think that's it on the baby front.

Let's talk about IQ! I saw her this week. I took her to church with me on Sunday. Now, IQ grew up Jewish but her husband is Christian, so she converted. I don't think it matters one way or another, as this story will demonstrate. Awhile back, I was talking to some other friends (not at church) who are Jewish and we were talking about Passover. I asked which type of synagogue they went to (reform, conservative, orthodox) and IQ chimed in that she was Jewish but had converted so now she was a reform Jew! Anyway, IQ likes our church, which is fine, but she's only been a few times and she wanted to become a member without her husband ever having visited. Um, that's really a family decision. Anyway, after church we went out to lunch and I found out some things, things that continue to disturb me. First, she's been drinking wine and then feeding the baby, and by feeding the baby, I mean breastfeeding. She didn't know that the alcohol could get into her milk. So I told her she could drink, but she needed to pump afterwards and then throw away the milk. Second, she dropped the baby, which actually, doesn't upset me. I mean, what new mother hasn't dropped the baby, bonked its head while putting it in the car, let it accidentally roll off the couch (I mean, one of these things, not all of them). Anyway, what disturbed me was the fact that she thought the baby had been hurt because she discovered this "soft spot" on the top of its head after she had dropped him. You mean, THE soft spot. How does someone not know about the soft spot? That's almost worst than the circumcision thing. Almost. But her husband gets back this week, so yay!!!

Now, I'm just cleaning, cleaning and sleeping. I found that if I get up, eat and then go back to bed for and hour or so, and don't take an afternoon nap, I sleep much better at night. But I am ready for school to be out (which is weird, because it's not like I work that much) so I can get into a routine. I like routine. I should enjoy one now, while I can!