Why I eloped

or why weddings are bad. My sister is a wreck. She is a hormonal, tired, stressed bitch from hell. And that's putting it nicely. My mom is wreck. That's because, according to my sister, she can't do anything right. Anything. Nothing, zip, nada, nechevo. My poor mother. All she's doing is trying to make everything perfect for my sister. The problem: when there is a problem, my sister's definition of resolution is that everyone agrees with her. One day my sister hates her soon to be in-laws. If we just listen and nod, but not agree with her, then we are horrible, horrible people. If we join in the bashing, then we are causing drama. Except that the next day she loves them and if we can't anticipate that, we are trouble-makers. I just want to bitch slap her. And, she thinks that my mom and I are thick as thieves and she can't join in the club. And, of course, that means we are ganging up on her. I don't think I've ever bitten my tongue so much in my entire life. It is her wedding and I do want her to be happy. But geez, do you really want to piss off everyone else in the process? I just can't wait until it's over. Hopefully then everything else will be back to normal.

Ready to go

I'm all packed and ready to go. My toenails are drying as I type. I've watered all my plants, inside and out. Although, I don't think I will be getting any squash this year. I was hoping that because I wasn't outside much, I was just missing the bee rush. However, all my squash get to 2 to 3 inches big and then wither. Oh well, better luck next year. My heavy suitcase sits by the front door. I think I have everything, and if not, I know I can get it there. I'm throwing my sister a lingerie party tomorrow and thankfully, Frederick's of Hollywood was having a sale yesterday. Things are going well. I plan on seeing my best friend in the whole wide world, Camille, and I'm even going to have dinner with my old friend Andrea. She called me on the 4th and we had a great talk. Hopefully we remain friends. It will be great to see all my family again too. Tons of people will be there, including family I haven't seen in about 6 years. I think this will be a great trip.

And of course, I can't leave without a few bird pictures. This is a Great Egret in a tree.


This little guy is a juvenile Green Heron. He let me get real close, but then put up his little crest when I got too close. I love it, because it looks like a cute little mohawk.

I don't remember if I mentioned this, but I also received a diploma from UW for a Master's degree. That makes my second MA in the same field, but at least now I feel like I got something from UW (besides some of the best friends a girl could have).

Hope everyone is doing well. I need to eat something before the cab gets here.

Read it now!

Awhile back I read Alexandra Fuller's Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight. This autobiographical work tells of her childhood in Africa as part of the white ruling class (although not wealthy). It goes on to describe the horror of independence for all parties involved and the strange re-identification that every African must make after independence. Fuller is an excellent writer and I look forward to reading her other books as well. And, I am excited to write, I have found her fictional counterpart. I have just finished reading Barbara Kingsolver's The Poisonwood Bible. This book easily compares to Fuller's. Kingsolver focuses on a missionary family with four daughters, which moves to the Congo the year before independence is declared. The book is written from the perspective of the mother and the four daughters, in a diary form. Kingsolver obviously did her homework and the lives, traditions, religion, and socio-econonic structure of the Africans is crystal clear. Her characters are well-defined and so beautifully written about that you can picture them, as if you've met them before. This is one of the rare books that you don't want to get to the end, because you don't want the book to end. You want to keep reading and reading. Unfortunately, the book does end. But it does so on a wonderful note. This is the first of Kingsolver's books I've ever read. It will not be the last.

A little bit of this and that

Everyone is gone. The house is quiet and relatively clean. And I miss my husband. It seems like he was barely here before he left again. Oh yeah, that's right, that's because he was barely here. I had to drive him to his ship at 6:00 in the morning (the morning people). Since I was up that early anyway, I went bird watching. And that was wonderful. I identified five new birds. Not bad.

But now, I'm just tending to my garden. These are my squash plants about a week and a half ago. They are now twice the size and blooming and hopefully I will have squash to eat before I leave for my sister's wedding. I'm afraid they will all die while I'm gone. But I still don't know anyone close enough to come water them (ok, I know one person who's pretty close, but she can't drive. And I don't want her in my house).

I have also been spotting more than birds. Last week, while at the wonderful, amazing, terrific Norfolk Botanical Gardens, I spotted this little guy. And got a picture. How wonderful is that!

It's a fox for all you people who don't get out much. We just stared at each other for a while and then he ran off. He was beautiful. I wanted to run off with him, but I got the impression he really didn't want me following him.

And that's it right now. I leave later this week for Dallas, TX for my baby sister's wedding. I can't wait to see all my family and Camille. But I wish they were out here instead.

A day off

Wes had Sunday off. It was his last day off, pretty much all summer, since they will be leaving soon for 7 weeks. And we had had the kids and his dad here for more than a week. So guess what we did Sunday? If you guessed that we ran around naked and had hot, dirty, nasty sex in every room of our house you would be. . . . wrong. Not that we didn't want to do that. Trust me, we really, really wanted to do that. But, we're parents. So instead, we spent 3 hours in the car to watch Allison's dance recital for three hours and then we drove 3 more hours home. And, her dance, 3 minutes long. We drove 6 hours and watched 3 hours of bad dancing for a 3 minute dance. A 3 minute dance mostly spent skipping (out of step) around the stage. But as Wes said when I pointed this out to him after her dance, "It was worth it."

Sleep deprivation

If the government doesn't want to be accused of torture, it should just give the alleged terrorists five or six kids that they must take care of all by themselves. They will give everything up in a matter of days. I mean everything. And they will cry. Like babies.
The kids left yesterday. I believe they gain their energy by sucking sleep away from everyone around them. The more sleep they steal, the more energy they have.

But the visit went well. I can tell I'm not depressed anymore because I handled the kids much better. I was more patient with them and was able to focus on the good things rather than the bad. We played a toooooooon of board games. I love board games. They make me laugh and smile and they're a great way to bond with the kids. Some of my best memories as a kid are playing board games with the family and I'm happy to pass those memories along to the next generation.

And we went to the local fair. Where the kids rode the same ride over and over again. At least we got our monies worth of rides. Overall, it was a great visit. I will leave you with these pictures of fun (notice I'm not in any of them).

Deep breath in

The kids got here a day early. No big deal. It's all good. The x forgot to send enough of Victor's ADHD medication. That's not good and it's a huge deal. She's mailing it tomorrow. We've been hanging out and playing lots of games. We also went to the botanical gardens to wear the kids out. Guess who got worn out? And then, Friday night, we played the looooooooooooongest game of UUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in the entire world. I think the Uno gods were jealous because we had been ignoring it for games like Monopoly Jr., Risk (which is supposed to be long) and Hands Down. Well, the final laugh is at the Uno gods because now I am never playing that game again. Ever. Right now everyone is golfing, except for me, because I wanted to remember what it was like to be alone. It is wonderful! I love it! I should do it more often!

Birds, birds, birds!!!

Wes goes back to work tomorrow. He has had two weeks off and we had our little "vacation". We went to Jamestown, Yorktown, the Botanical Gardens and camping in North Carolina. Mostly though, we were bird watching. We both love being outside and hiking and stuff and I've always loved birds, just didn't know much. We bought a birding software and it is so cool. And useful. It has videos and the sounds of birds, pictures from various positions and male/female/juveniles. Yesterday we identified six (SIX) new birds in only two hours at the Botanical Gardens. It was cooler and kind of cloudy. Before we went I was complaining that I hadn't seen a woodpecker or identified a hawk yet. Yes, I've seen plenty of hawks, but usually I'm the one driving and I don't think the highway patrol would be pleased with me if I pulled over and got out my bird book. Anyway, guess what we saw at the Gardens? Yes, a beautiful Downy Woodpecker (black wings with white spots. Absolutely gorgeous). We also saw a Northern Harrier (a type of hawk). It flew very low, right over us and then perched in a nearby tree for about 10 minutes. It was awesome and very large. (Next on our list of purchases will be a high-powered digital camera so I can take pictures where the birds are identifiable.) We saw two types of blue birds (not bluebirds): the Indigo Bunting and Blue Grosbeak. American Goldfinches flew in huge groups over the prairie area of the gardens. They're tiny, loud and stunning. We also identified a Tufted Titmouse and a Brown-Headed Nuthatch. It was a wonderful day and I love this new hobby. Birds are so spectacular and fun. And I love being outside all the time.

Later this week we will get the munchkins and Wes's dad will visit. Things will be busy. Hope everyone is enjoying their summer.

more pics

This little guy is the reason we saw the deer in the last blog. He saw us and freaked out, pulling his head in and closing his little trap door. We all know how much I love the turtles, so even though I am not the most patient of people (major understatement), we stood perfectly still for more than 15 minutes waiting for him to come out to play. While standing perfectly still, the deer showed up. Once she realized we were watching her, she began watching us. But as long as we didn't get too close, she didn't care that we were there.

I have been working on a pretty regular basis. One of the high schools started requesting me every time they had a position available. I told the person in charge of the subs that I would love to work full time next year and loved their school. I think they like me because I'm willing to sub for any topic. But school ends next week. I hope they remember me next year.

Second try, sorta successful

Wes and I went to Jamestown on Thursday. We saw neat historical stuff. And we saw a lot of wildlife. This is one of the many pictures I wanted to post, but I guess you will have to get the pictures day by day.

Also, never camp in your husband's old (more than 20 years) tent if it is supposed to rain. It doesn't matter if your stepson is advancing in Cub Scouts. Go to the ceremony and leave before you wake up at 3:00am soaking wet with everything in the tent floating. Especially if you live 4 hours a way and forgot useful things, like umbrellas, ponchos, giant plastic bags. Not much fun. Not much fun at all.

This blog should be retitled

I'm having problems uploading pictures which makes what I want to say pointless. Will resume when Blogger fixes the problem.

Day of Remembrance

To those whose lives ended in a foreign land,
fighting against tyranny, injustice and others like yourselves,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those who enlisted because that's what Americans do,
to those who fought because it was the right thing to do,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those whose children only know them as a picture,
whose parents, siblings and spouses grow old without you,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those whose high school graduation picture
forever marks your age at your death,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those who fought wars of ideology,
without agreeing or knowing what they were fighting for,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those whose memories and lives were pushed aside
because the American public disagreed with foreign policy,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those who we spat upon and thrown out on the streets,
who lost your families, homes, dignity and self-respect,
we ask your forgiveness, say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those who wake up in the night,
screaming, sweating and in fear,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those who left as one person,
and returned as someone else,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those who left as strong, independent young people,
and returned without limbs, with a broken body and soul,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To those who left as intelligent and cultured young people,
and returned not able to sign your name or tie your shoe,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

To the old men who bowed under the weight of freedom,
to the old women who cared for them when they returned,
to the young men and women who left loved ones,
to the young men and women who never returned,
we say thank you and bow our heads in remembrance.

Please remember to observe a minute of silence at 3:00pm. If you have children, please explain to them the purpose of this day. Our military deserves to be honored, respected and remembered for their sacrifice for America.

Inexplicable happiness

I woke up happy. Incredibly happy. Happier than I ever remember actually being. After having suffered from depression for more than 20 years I woke up this morning and felt like I was really alive and really feeling and for the first time, really happy. And it only got better. The weather is beautiful. I read Jay's (kill the goat) blog about summer memories and it got me thinking about all the great summers I've had, all the great memories and how I want to recreate those with my family some day. And I can't quit smiling. My husband gets back on Tuesday. Yesterday I got groceries and did one load of laundry. I bought Dr. Pepper and ice cream because my husband loves those things. Even though I don't really like ice cream (it makes me cold, and yes, I know that's the point) I found some amazing ice cream that I couldn't put down. I think I ate a whole cup (usually I only eat three or four spoonfuls). Today, to get ready for my husband's return, I will finish my afghan (only about 2 hours. Crocheting is addictive!) and read all the magazines laying around. In my infinite wisdom, I decided that two weekly magazines and one monthly wasn't enough. Now we get two weeklies and three monthlies. I love reading magazines because it makes me feel smarter than everyone else, which makes me feel superior. I like feeling superior and it helps justify my plans to take over the world. Bwahahahahahahah!!!! Oh wait, that was supposed to go on my take over the world blog. Sorry about that! And I've been working, which makes me feel useful even though my paycheck will be smaller than a fourth of my husband's. And I love subbing, except for the getting up at the butt-crack of dawn part. How is anyone supposed to learn anything at 7:00am?!? As you can tell, I feel playful and happy. Happy!!!!!!!!!! Happy!!!!!!!! Happy!!!!!!!!!

Life is good.

Here I am!!!!

I'm not dead nor am I depressed. I've been busy. Wes came back late Friday night. On Saturday we, um, "hung out" all day. Yeah, that's what we did. On Sunday, we went and saw his kids. Wes was thrilled to see his kids and his kids were thrilled to see him. We had a great day and discovered that Allison will be attending college on a soccer scholarship (otherwise she might not get to go). She was a natural and she has never played on a team. We played at the park and although we spent 6 1/2 hours in the car, it was well worth it.

Wes and I spent a lot of time at the botanical gardens. I bought a family membership, so hey, why not. It is beautiful out there. We breath fresh air and we get ideas for our dream yard.
These are some of the most beautiful and unique flowers I've ever seen. Does anyone know what they are?
It took forever to get this picture of a spider. Wes HATES spiders.
My parents also came to visit this past weekend. We took them to the botanical gardens too.

Yes, I was that close to the above turtle.

I love this picture because you can actually see the water on the lily pad. You can also see how clear the pond was and the clouds reflections.

Wes also got me a birthday present last week (he was in Africa for my birthday). He got me wonderful binoculars for bird watching. Thanks to them the Bald Eagles at the botanical gardens were very clear and I saw a new bird at the beach with my parents. I love them. Unfortunately, Wes went back to the ship on Saturday, but he will only be gone for 10 days. Things are good and I'm loving the weather here. I hope everyone has been as good as I've been doing.

Working girl

I worked on Thursday!!! It was less than 2 hours but it was work. It was wonderful. The kids loved me. Then, I got a call to work on Friday. All day. In the gifted class. So I worked all day yesterday. I only had two more kids all of yesterday than I did Thursday. The teacher didn't even leave me an attendance sheet. It was extremely casual. But I worked. And I will get a paycheck. It will be small, but at least it will cover my car's registration for the next two years.

The house is a mess. I was going to clean it yesterday but then I worked. Wes showed up last night at 11:00pm. He was supposed to get home this evening. I was going to clean today. And get groceries. He doesn't care that the house is a mess or that there is no food in the house. And since he has thrown a ton of stuff all over the place, maybe it's ok I didn't clean. It was so nice to see him. This morning when I woke up I just poked him to make sure he was real. He is. I get him for a whole week before he has to leave again. It will be a great week.

Disease and History

As I was trying to figure out what I wanted to read next I stumbled across this book sitting on my shelf, Disease and History by Frederick F. Cartwright in collaboration with Michael D. Biddiss. I decided to give it a try. It is an older book (early 1970s) so some of the terminology is outdated (VD for STD and such) and Cartwright is not a historian proper, but a historian of medicine. This is evident in some of the writing when he appears to jump from one date/subject/place to another in discussion of the same disease without necessarily telling us that he is jumping from date/subject/place to another. However, I have to admit I found much of the book fascinating and actually wanted more details and accounts of disease.

I found the first four chapters to be the most interesting and the most useful. In the first chapter Cartwright discusses diseases and medicine in the ancient world--during the Greek and Roman times. His ability to take seemingly mundane descriptions of disease and discuss possible diagnosis and where the disease may have first started and how it spread is quite remarkable. The second chapter deals with the most famous of all European disease disasters: the Black Death. Rather than just pointing out how many people died and therefore how that changed history, he discusses the effect that the loss of labor caused in England and thus its evolution from the feudal system centuries before the rest of Europe. He also mentions that European Christians tended to blame the Jews for the Black Death and thus pushed them out of Western Europe (where most of them lived) to Eastern Europe. This move, as we know, had its own ramifications in the 20th century. The third chapter discusses syphilis. Syphilis is often mentioned in histories of the Russian peasantry, but I had never read a satisfactory explanation of how it was spread (non-sexually) or where it had come from. Cartwright answered all these questions for me. For that reason, this was the most fascinating chapter for me. He discusses how a disease can change forms when moving from one environment to another and how this occurs. The fourth chapter discusses Napoleon's invasion of Russia and how typhus (not to be confused with typhoid fever, which I didn't know was something different) decimated Napoleon's army before he even got to Russia. He also pointed out that Napoleon's character also contributed to bad decision making with further reduced his Grand Army.

The next two chapters deal with the unexplored (to Europe) sections of the world: the Americas and Africa. These chapters were also interesting, but less so. This is probably because I knew more about this topic than the other topics.

Chapter 7, Queen Victoria and the Fall of the Russian Monarchy, was wholly unconvincing to me. Hemophilia in the only male heir to the throne presented some problems. However, I think Cartwright simplifies the situation, claiming that if Alexis could have ruled (which he couldn't because of his hemophilia) than the Bolsheviks could have never taken power. Yeah, not quite that simple.

Chapter 8 began with a very interesting account of Joan of Arc and possible medical conditions that could have caused her visions. However, the rest of the chapter, titled Mass Suggestion, focused on Hitler's Germany. Cartwright is correct in stating that mass suggestion played an important role in Hitler's Germany, but I didn't feel that this issue really had a place in the larger context of this book.

The final chapter discusses side-effects of prescription drugs and pollution. I didn't actually read all of it because I get enough of that elsewhere. And also because his information is now outdated.

All in all, I enjoyed this book and found it very informative. It presented a whole new way to investigate history and if used, could open up new solutions to historical situations that remain a mystery, or complicate known historical facts.

round and round we go

I had a great long blog all typed up and then the computer ate it. Stupid computer. So here's the recap because I don't feel like retyping everything. I finally got my first subbing job on Thursday. The navy is flying Wes across the ocean to get on a ship for 10 days as it sails back across the ocean home. A great use for taxpayer money. I'm going to try to be more positive like my husband and let the negativity and depression go. The original blog was much longer, but I need to clean my filthy house.

Sunshine

I just realized that my last post was my 400th post. Cool.

I wanted to start working this week, but apparently no teachers are sick. Instead of sitting at home and feeling sorry for myself, I thought, "hey, the weather is beautiful and I have a membership to the botanical gardens." So that's what I did. And it was a great choice.

There was a Great Egret.

There were a ton of turtles.

The weather was so beautiful that this guy was even out.

And of course, the cute little baby goose.
It was a good day.

Newport Rhode Island

I am back from my mini-vacation to Newport Rhode Island. Wes and I had a great time and the weather turned out to be absolutely beautiful. However, if you know anything about East Coast stuff, you're probably saying to yourself, "hey, that's the USS Constitution and it's in Boston." Yes, you are correct. Since my husband in is the Navy and we were only an hour away from Boston, we went to visit the oldest commissioned naval ship in the US (and the oldest one in the world that still floats). My husband is also working on a model of this ship, so we took about 50 pictures. Since I had never been in Boston, it was cool just to be there.

Since we were in Boston anyway, and just a few steps from the Bunker Hill memorial, we decided to go visit. I must say that Boston is a beautiful city and even though we didn't go far, I thought it was a great area. The memorial had been closed for repairs, but "lucky" for us, is had just opened the day before. I say "lucky" because we decided to go to the top. 294 steps up, a quick (less than 3 minutes) look around and 294 steps back down. We were hurting by the time we got back down. But it was worth it. The view of the city was amazing.

Newport is known for it's summer homes, of which we visited five. Newport itself was quite charming and even though the trees were still bare, I completely understand why people would want to summer there. The above house is called The Marble House and was built for one of the Vanderbilt families. The houses were elaborate, beautiful and ostentatious. The Breakers, another Vanderbilt home, was 138,000 square feet and took a whole acre of land. The Marble House was the fourth house we visited. However, our jaws still dropped when we walked in. This was the most amazing, most beautiful, most spectacular house I've ever seen (of a private citizen: I've seen palaces in Russia). The trip to Newport was worth it just to see this house (but if you're there anyway, see The Breakers and The Elms too).

The trip to Newport was wonderful. I got to spend time with my husband (it was so good to see him again), visit (drive through) 6 states I'd never been too (Delaware, New Jersey, New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts), and see new stuff. I also got to eat a lot of really good seafood. The drive there was 13 hours, thanks to a few mistakes of mapquest and my husband (we also hit the New York area at 5:00pm on a weekday). The trip back only took me 11 hours. My riding companion was another officer's wife, but she doesn't have a driver's license. The only thing I will say about her is that her favorite channel is the Disney channel, her favorite books are kids' books, and she's excited because her family got her a leap frog game for Christmas so she can work on her math. She also spent ages 3 through 18 in foster homes. At least I had company.

Unfortunately my husband has to stay in Rhode Island for three weeks. But, I did have substitute teacher training yesterday and I hope to start subbing next week. I have been really tired but I don't know if that's from the Zoloft or because so much is going on that I'm really tired. I guess we'll find out. Things are going well and I'm happy.

My husband's back!!!

Wes got back yesterday. I was nervous but everything went well. It's almost like he never left. He was a gentleman and didn't expect sex the second he arrived, which is nice because after him being gone for almost 5 months I needed to just be with him for awhile first. He ate like he hadn't eaten the entire time he was gone. He complimented me on how clean the house was (notice I said was: there is now a ton of his stuff everywhere). After we finally said "hello" (after a long shower on his part because he stank), I announced I had done my part in dressing up to pick him up and was reverting back to sweats. He laughed. He fell asleep at 8:30pm and was up at 5:00am. He took another nap this afternoon too. Hopefully he'll still be able to sleep tonight. Tomorrow we leave for Rhode Island. Monday I come back by myself. He'll be gone three more weeks, but at least I got to see him.

Sorrow

I'm counting down until I can go pick up my husband. To waste time I've been reading all the news from Virginia Tech. I am saddened by what happened. I am sick for all the family and friends of those who were killed and wounded. I don't think the university was remiss in its actions. Nothing in history would suggest the outcome that occurred. Having been a student for too many years, I know the isolation, depression and despair that school can cause. Being an international student must have made things even more difficult. Obviously that doesn't excuse the shooter's actions, but his actions speak of a very troubled young man. I feel so bad for his family in South Korea. They may only be getting bits and pieces of the news, and in translation besides. I pray for everyone affected. I pray for comfort and hope and mostly that they can eventually feel peace. I pray that those who had contact with this young man don't blame themselves for what happened, but that they learn from this experience. I pray that all involved will learn to forgive. I mostly pray that people will reach out more to those who need friends. And I pray that something like this never happens again.

Something good

This has been a good weekend. In no particular order. . . .
Yesterday it rained and blew. I didn't really want to go to church, but the days have been long and I knew I needed to get out of the house. The church is right next to a river and as I pulled up a Great Blue Heron flew over my car. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen (there's a link to a picture somewhere around here). After church, even though it was still raining, I put on jeans and a sweatshirt and headed to my favorite park. There was no one around but I saw a White Egret and, not one, but two Great Blue Herons. I wasn't that far from them and they are beautiful, tall and elegant. I watched them walk on land, wade in the water and then fly. Amazing. That alone made it a great weekend.

I talked to my grandma this weekend too. She said that she finished "updating" grandpa's life story for the family. Now that she has written it she realizes that his health had been declining quite rapidly at the end. Realizing this has made his death a little easier for her. She seems more accepting of his death and isn't blaming herself for not doing more. Of course she still misses him, but she seems more willing to live a life without him.

Last night at church they talked about missions. The focus this year is Eastern Europe, specifically, the Ukraine. I know a little something about the Ukraine and half of its population speaks Russian. I think I'm going to try to go on a mission trip this summer. I'm a strong believer in actually doing something for the population too, so I was pleased that the focus of the mission trip is actually an English language school. Even learning a little bit of English could greatly help out the economic future of the students. Many of the students will probably know some English but have never met a native speaker to practice with. This is a great way to help out these people and I would be using the knowledge I've spent half my life learning.

*************************************
Book review. The Master of Petersburg by J. M. Coetzee. Before I start ripping this book apart, I'd like to say that Coetzee is an excellent writer. The first book I read by him was Waiting for the Barbarians. Sadly, this book is so good that everything else of his tends to pale in comparison. However, I think everybody should read Waiting for the Barbarians, especially those people involved in the war against terror. I also think Waiting for the Barbarians will be taught in literature classes centuries from now.

Having said that, The Master of Petersburg suffers from one major problem. The book is a fictional account of Dostoevsky return to St. Petersburg after the mysterious death of his stepson, whom, according to Coetzee, he loved very much. To understand the story you have to know something of Dostoevsky, the political situation in Russia at the time and the underground terrorists groups in Russia. However, if you know anything about all that, you find the premise of the book to be simply unbelievable. Kind of a catch-22, if you will. The writing is excellent and I did enjoy it except I kept thinking that Coetzee would have done better to have made Dostoevsky a fictional writer. Only then the story wouldn't have made much sense either. Also, how much hubris do you have, Coetzee, to think you know what Dostoevsky would have felt and thought? My opinion, skip this book and read Waiting for the Barbarians.

I guess that's it for now. We are in serious countdown mode until Wes gets home. I have a few errands to run today and then just trying not to panic until he gets here.

Countdown

I saw a therapist yesterday and I know he's the one for me. He had bird sculptures all over his office. Half were three dimensional and half two dimensional, large and beautifully painted. It was a very happy vibe and I loved it. He said that it appears that most of my depression is situational and will work itself out. But because I have a personal and family history of depression he wants me to take the Zoloft for 6 months and see him about twice a month. It sounds doable and just admitting I needed help has really made me feel better.

Wes comes home on Tuesday. Knowing this, the weather got cold and my eye feel like it's getting a sty. Cause nothing says sexy like a bulky sweater and a swollen puss filled eye. And he's flying into the navy base. The largest navy base in the country. I asked him where I should pick him up. At the terminal. How do I get there? Follow the signs. I think it's on the other side of the base. Thanks. I'll try to get there by Wednesday. I'm going to finish cleaning the house today. Victor's legos are starting to look like they're playing in the snow. I hate dusting and he has so many of them. And they break easily. Oh well. And I guess that's about it. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Onward!

I went to the doctor yesterday. It's one of those places that first come, first serve, so you sign in and then wait the rest of the day. Thankfully I also take reading material with me. The doctor was very nice. She listened to me and then gave me a 30 day prescription for Zoloft, which I was on in 2000 when I was suicidal. But I have to go back in two weeks to let her know how I'm doing and she wouldn't renew the prescription if I didn't go to therapy. I'm not thrilled about that part, but I also don't like doctors who prescribe anti-depressants without making sure patients go to therapy (studies show that you need both to really kick depression in its ass). She also encouraged me to get involved in local clubs to socialize more. So thank you doctor for doing you job correctly and with compassion.

I have so many wonderful friends (and I haven't figured out how that happened), but unfortunately they have all declined my suggestion that they move to Virginia Beach (but it's so pretty here!). So yesterday I pulled out the little Botanical Gardens calendar. There's a walk I want to participate in next Tuesday and there are 2 (two!) birding events in May. The gardens even have nature photography classes, as well as Tai Chi in the gardens. I think becoming a member was a very good idea. I think I could really meet people I like out there. And everyone could use more friends.

My husband will be home in a week. From yesterday. I'm nervous and excited. Yesterday I spent 1 1/2 hour cleaning our garage. It's not that he's going to look in the garage, but I couldn't even get the recycling can out (and it was completely full) and since I have read so many books lately, I wanted to unpack some more books. Now the garage is clean and organized (although you still couldn't fit a car in there). Today I will clean the 2.5 bathrooms (it feels like 3 full bathrooms when you're cleaning them) and the kitchen. Tomorrow the office and the kids' room, Friday the living room and Saturday our bedroom. Sunday and Monday I will just chill out and panic about forgetting about something (no, I don't know what yet, you'll just have to wait until then). I had gone out and bought several cute summer tops and some killer 4 inch sandals, but, of course, now it's too chilly to wear something like that (we haven't reached 60 in almost two weeks). He's going to freeze because he's been in Africa all this time. I guess I'll just have to keep him warm.

I love my husband

First I want to say thank you for all the supportive comments, e-mails and phone calls. I really appreciate it and it's nice to know I'm loved. Second, you know how every guy you've dated tells you no one could love you like they do? When my husband says it, I know it's true. Wes called today. The e-mail has been down on the ship and I haven't been able to communicate with him in a couple of days. He has noticed that I haven't been doing to well. Today the conversation began with me bursting into tears. I told him I'm depressed and I want to get on medication and I don't want to have a baby right now, I want to wait until next year. And I waited for the typical guy response: I'll be home in a week so you won't be depressed anymore and I want a baby now. What I got was: I love you so much and I'm so sorry you're depressed. I'll love you and be happy with you even if you decide you don't want any children. I'm just happy being married to you and your happiness is all that I want. If you think you need medication than go to the doctor and get medication. I'll be home in a week and I can't wait to just hold you and love you. I hope you didn't worry about what I would say because I would never be mad at you for telling me how you feel. We're married and that's what people are supposed to do. That response alone made me feel better.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I went back and read my blog and realized I suffer from depression more often than I wanted to admit. When it was just me and my poor friends listening to me bitch, then I could suffer through it. But now I'm a wife and a step-mom. My depression has negatively impacted every relationship I have ever been in and I don't want to mess up my marriage too. Not only is depression a "normal" part of my life, but my life has changed significantly this past year. I got married, became a step-mom, moved across the country, where I haven't made any friends yet, left my life-long dream behind, and my husband has been gone since Thanksgiving. I think it's probably ok that I'm depressed. Now I just have to take care of it.

Paradise

by Toni Morrison. Wow, wow, wow. I have read other Morrison books, but this one is amazing. While reading it I couldn't put it down. After finishing it I dreamt about it for two nights in a row. While the story is centered around an all black town created and re-created in the early 1900s, giving an initial impression that the story will be white vs. black, the real issues are much more universal. The long standing members of the town are afraid of outsiders, change and especially afraid of the women who live at the Convent outside of town (also all black). However, as the story unfolds we quickly realize that the town members themselves have divided the town into insiders and outsiders, the older generation and the younger generation, and finally men against the women (both in the town and at the Convent). The women at the Convent are busy trying to free themselves from past demons while the men of the town are busy creating new ones for themselves. The slow tension of the story ends in a magnificent ending that is both triumphant and destructive. An excellent psychological novel about fear, courage and change. A must read for everyone.

Enough is enough

And I've had enough. I'm tired of this roller coaster. I'm depressed. I'm fine. I'm depressed. I'm fine. I've suffered from depression since I went through puberty. That was roughly twenty years ago (and where did that twenty years go anyway?). Twenty years of yo-yoing emotions. Of never feeling good enough, of feeling like all I did was feel sorry for myself, of wondering what was the fastest and most painless way to end it all. Twenty years of denial. I can handle this by myself. I just need to exercise more, sleep more, do more, feel more, live more and it will all be ok. It's not. It hasn't been. I'm tired of feeling like half a person. Depression, to me, doesn't feel like everyone else has deserted me; it feels like I have deserted myself. I can still see my dreams, goals and ambitions. But they're all over there and I can't figure out how to get to them. I can't figure out how to be me anymore. And it causes so many issues. I don't want to pass this on to my kids. I don't want to have kids right away either. How do I tell Wes that? Do I just pray I don't get pregnant until next January? He's so excited. I know because I talked to another wife and she already knew we were going to try to start a family. Everyone on the ship knows. But I just don't feel ready right now, even if he does. I need to work my way out of this depression. I don't want to be on medication. I guess it's a pride thing. But I think that would be best right now. And I need to start doing what I know works to get my ass in gear: a daily to do list split into 15 minute increments. Yes, it is a long list, but it works. And I'm going to start working soon. And I joined the botanical gardens. And I'm going to get a haircut (yes, that still works). But I've got to get out of this fog. I have to live again. I have too much I want to do. I have too much to live for. I have too much.

Hear that?

No, no you don't. Because there is nothing to hear. They are gone. No more screaming, fighting, begging, arguing or lying. And especially no more of the most annoying whining I have ever heard in my life. This week has made me seriously reconsider if I want to be a mom or not. I know that it's different having his kids. We don't actually get them that much and then when he's not here it's even harder. I feel impotent to discipline them. Afraid that anything I say will be twisted and passed on and twisted even further and then used as ammunition against my husband. And maybe because they're not mine to keep I tend to think in terms of a score card. One pleasant moment, three unpleasant moments and so on. And I allow the unpleasant moments to erase the pleasant ones. I try not to, but I feel like I'm trying so hard and all I get in return is "we want this," "why not" and "whatever." They wouldn't even hug me good-bye. Is parenting this thankless? I mean, I don't want kids just to have someone to love me and take care of me when I get old, but I already feel worthless, so do I want to add one more thing to feel like a failure about?

If you couldn't tell, I am seriously depressed. My husband will be home in about 10 days and I'm not even excited about it. Why? Because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything since he left. So the house is clean. Big deal. He doesn't even care about that. I need a job. I need to feel useful. I need to make money. I need to feel like I contribute more than my cleaning, cooking and pussy. I think I need medication. I hate depression. It keeps me from so many things. Like leaving the house. Making friends. Volunteering. Doing anything scary. And it makes everything scary. I'm so afraid of failure. I know I'm smart and can do so much but I'm so smart that I know I'm not smart enough to do anything. I feel paralyzed. I need my husband to get home. I need to find the courage to get off my ass and do something, anything. I hate this disease.

The Penelopiad

Margaret Atwood writes a haunting retelling of Odysseus's travels through the eyes of his long-suffering wife Penelope. While this re-telling would have been richer if I had read The Odyssey within the last 10 years, since I did read it several times in high school and college, I remembered the basics of the story (and I also play Age of Mythology, which helps). While Atwood writes about their families and their marriage, most of the book is dedicated to the question most women ask after reading The Odyssey. Why did Penelope stay faithful all those years? Atwood answers and yet doesn't answer that question. This poignant retelling should be read in women's studies courses and also with the reading of The Odyssey in literature courses. Unlike other retellings that I've read, Atwood stays faithful to the myth yet opens up new possibilities to an old story.

***********************************

My husband is coming home soon. (And I stayed faithful because he wasn't gone for 20 years and having sex with various goddesses.) I've been e-mailing his x and trying to arrange for us to have the kids as much as possible when he returns. She sent me an e-mail the other day in which she made me so angry, she was lucky we weren't having a conversation. I know that she was trying to say, "gee I really wish Wes could spend more time with the kids and therefore I will let you have as much as possible", but it came out as "I'm so sad that Wes chose the navy over the kids and therefore doesn't get to see them often, which is bad for the kids." And I know that's what she meant. How do I know that? Because the kids have asked why daddy chose the navy over them. They are also convinced that Wes has to pay to work in the navy (yes, I am being serious). I know that someday the kids will grow up and know the truth, but until then I hate the fact that this is what they think. Especially when the truth is "the kids don't get to see their dad because you decided you wanted some other man's dick in your twat and so left your husband for some guy you met on the web and had only seen in person twice. You're such a great mom that you got on a plane and flew all the way across the country to move in with this guy, even though you had only met him twice in person. So don't tell me it's my husband's fault that the kids will only be able to count the time spent with their dad in weeks and months. If you had honored your wedding vows, they would be able to count that time in years."

Ok, I've been lazy and my house is a mess. I must get to that. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Islam: A short history

I love history but the past couple of years (a decade) have been spent concentrating on only one history: Russia/USSR. Since I'm no longer in school, I thought I'd broaden my horizons. I picked up Karen Armstrong's Islam: A short history at the library and I would highly recommend it for anyone who knows nothing about Islam.

The book is very simplistic and very basic, but it covers all the major points. Armstrong can be condescending at times, but to the readers, not religion. She is a "scholar of religion" (as the dust jacket puts it) and has written many other books about world religion. But she tends to take major issues with those who "corrupt" the original religious beliefs, especially when it's towards a more patriarchal line. Aside from occasional comments about these corruptions, the book does a great job to explain the basic tenants of the religion and its history.

Besides the narrative of book, there are several other reasons I would recommend this book for anyone wanting to know more about Islam. First, there is a great time-line at the front of the book. Second, there is a list of key figures of Islam. Third, there is a glossary of Arabic terms. Fourth, a section containing suggested further reading. Finally, and probably most importantly, the book was written before 2001. Therefore, even though Armstrong does talk about fundamentalist, it is not the focus of the book.

I feel that I could now have an intelligent conversation concerning the religion/history of Islam, although not a very detailed one. However, I now understand the difference between Sunni and Shiia. This distinction seemed important to me considering the amount of space it is currently taking up in the media. Overall the book was a fast and easy read while hitting upon the major points of importance concerning Islam. I really think anyone who opens their mouth to discuss what Muslims believe and why their history points towards terrorism should be forced to read this book. A little understanding could go a long way.

Synopsis

I've been running around, getting a TB test, begging professors for recommendations, which they are happy to give until I explain it's for a substitute teaching position, and just generally trying to get out of the house. I don't know why because the kids have spring break next week and I'm going to have them all week, and then Wes is back in the country so I'll be visiting him at his navy school and then we'll have the kids again. Timing is so screwed up in my life right now. Beth, to answer your question: in the States you have to have a teaching certificate to teach in K-12. Most people assume that because I have a MA I can teach. This is not true because I don't have the certificate (it usually involves a year worth of education classes). However, many school districts are desperate and would be willing to hire someone with a MA provisionally. I could teach as a regular teacher, usually for two years, during which time I would be expected to get my teaching certificate. If I didn't get the teaching certificate during that time, I would no longer be able to teach (but I could still sub).

Virginia bloomed this weekend. And while it is beautiful, I am so allergic and am going into my second day of intense sinus headaches and limited breathing capacity.

I got an e-mail from Andrea yesterday. She was my long-time really good friend who decided that buying a house was more important than I was (meaning: she was in love with my husband and didn't want to attend our wedding). Anyway, I cut things off with her last July. She sent me a very nice e-mail telling me she misses me and wants to be friends. I e-mailed back that I missed her too and hope we can be friends. We've known each other for so long so I hope we can get past this. I am a little worried though. Lately so many old friends who I had lost touch with have come back into my life that I'm afraid something bad is going to happen and God knows I'll need all the friends I can get to help me through. I hope that's just me being paranoid.

I hope everyone had a great weekend and has a great week.

Goodbye Lenin!

Last night I watched Goodbye Lenin! It had been recommended to me by several people and it deals with the end of communism. This movie is amazing, funny, intelligent and sad. I would highly recommend it to anyone.

The movie tells the story of a highly committed communist East German woman who falls into a coma right before the wall is torn down. She wakes up 8 months later to a world that is completely different. Only, her son refuses to let her know what has happened for fear that it will cause another heart attack and kick her. He sticks her in her room, creates fake news programs and generally just lies to her. But I think the best part of the movie is when he admits to himself that he created the communist society for her that he, and everyone else, wished had really existed.

And that's the sad part. In the west we assume that the end of communism was the best thing that happened to these people. But we forget that many of these people, and their parents and even grandparents before them, strove to create the perfect communist society. Many of these people believed in the ideology even when the leaders appeared to forget. And the fall of communism economically devastated thousands of people. Even if these people wanted political, religious and economic freedom, they still lost the only way of life they had ever known. This journey had to have been terrifying even for those who wanted it most. Imagine what it was/is like for those who once believed in the perfect communist society. Goodbye Lenin! deals with the issues in a sympathetic way. The ending of the movie is triumphant, both for those who considered themselves Leninist and those who wanted freedom.

Start fresh in spring

Spring began today. So it's a great time to start my "new" life. Sunday I took my last birth control pill. Now I'm cramping and in a pissy mood, but hey, that's part of being a woman. But I guess this is it. The beginning processes of baby making has begun. My husband is very excited. I am too. I'm just scared as well.

Today I went to substitute teaching orientation. I really didn't want to go, but now I am really excited about it. Because I have a MA I am qualified to teach provisionally, not only substitute. I think I will greatly enjoy subbing/teaching for the next year or so, until other things change (see above paragraph). I'm still going to look for a job at a community college, but subbing actually pays more (isn't that sad). I'm getting bored at home and extra money will be nice too.

I'm also excited because in the past couple of months I've re-established contact with four people I haven't heard from/seen for at least a year, some much longer. I love old friends. I would love some new friends too. I have a feeling we'll probably be living in Virginia Beach for at least another 6 years. If we do move, we would probably remain on the east coast to be close to Wes's kids. But, since Wes's x is from Italy, she has tentatively agreed to let the kids live with us, once they are teenagers, if Wes is stationed in Italy. But, until then, I think we're going to stay here. So I need to make some friends. It's time to start my life here. It's spring time. It's time to embrace my new life, to stop resenting the past and to create my future.

Little Miss Sunshine

Funniest movie ever. Ok. just because it took 4 different times to try to log in becuase I am totally buzzed (hey, three glasses of wine, because I won't be able to soon), doesn't mean this wasn't laugh out loud hilarious. Maybe not as funny as "the House of Yes" (becuase incest is the ultimate funny), but still, a great movie. Well worth the hype and everyone should see it. Could Steve Carell get any sexier than a suicidal, bearded, homosexual? I don't think so, and I watch "The Office". Everyone should have been nominated for, and won, an oscar for this movie. I think I'll watch is again tomorrow. Thank you netflix. I laughed so hard I got the hiccups. And it has a feel good ending. What more could you want for a Friday night (if your husband is at sea because of the stupid navy)?

Plays and short stories

While in Minnesota I did more than freeze and crochet an afghan. I read. I read six months worth of Smithsonian (I'm up to Jan. of 2006 now!), and plenty of Dover Thrift Editions of plays and short stories. Here's the run down.

I'm going to start by discussing two plays by two different authors at the same time.
Oliver Goldsmith, "She stoops to conquer" and Oscar Wilde "The Importance of being Earnest"
Don't bother reading these "classic" plays. Ever. Don't go see them. Don't waste your brain power wondering about them. Both were written during the time period when men were expected, and even looked up to, for being man whores, while the women could not even smile at a man without being accused of being an actual whore. The double standards in both these plays appalled me, as did the portrayal in Wilde's play of "ladies" as complete dimwitted idiots. At least the women in Goldsmith were smart. The only reason I would ever suggest any woman ever read these plays is so that they appreciate how far we've come.

Henrik Ibsen, "Hedda Gabler"
Speaking of how far we've come. Go get this play right now and read it RIGHT NOW!!! Ibsen is an incredible writer and had amazing insight into the pathetic position intelligent, ambitious women were forced into circa 1890. While Hedda could easily be misunderstood or misrepresented, it is clear that her actions stem from the frustration of being viewed as an "inferior creature". At the least, she wants to inspire her husband (or anyone) in noble and successful ventures. The play concludes when Hedda realizes she will never be the muse she desperately wants to be. . . .

Anton Chekhov, "The Three Sisters"
This play also focuses on the frustration of women around the turn of the 20th century. But it also includes wonderful clues into the provincial life of Russia at that time. Although the play is about "three sisters," the lives of the men around them reveal the disappointment and discouragement caused by the political and economic situation in Russian, which led to personal disappointment for all. The inability to change the situation and even the apathy of most of the characters lead one to understand why Russia eventually rose up in revolution in 1905.

Alexander Pushkin, "The Amateur Peasant Girl," "The shot," "The snowstorm," and "The Postmaster"
Besides the fact that Pushkin knows how to tell a story, these stories should be read for their insight into Russian society (largely provincial) between 1815 and 1837. They tell a great deal concerning attitudes towards the serfs, Europe, education, and the social order. Fun and easy to read.

Henry James, "The Turn of the Screw"
I had never read any James before. I actually think this would make a great movie (maybe there's already one). It is supposed to be a suspenseful horror story. However, since the story largely revolves around the fact that two children are going to hell because they see ghosts and today hell doesn't really factor into the supernatural, I think a movie could better deliver the suspense. And if you've read the story, yes, I realize that's not a quite accurate description of the story, but close enough.

What did I just agree to?

I just turned 33 years old. My husband will turn 34 this year. He has two children, nine and six. He told me he would like more children, but since he already has 2, it would be up to me. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. But I also thought I would be single. So I aways thought I would adopt. The thought of being pregnant just grosses me out. You have a little fungi, alien, parasitical thing living in you and it destroys your body. Who wants to go through that? Wes never had a problem with adoption. Yet, I've somehow found myself offering to try to get pregnant. What happened? Well. . . .

Because Wes already has two kids, he doesn't want to wait too long before we add to the family (we do want them out of the house before we're old). And since I have no life purpose right now, since my advisor screwed me over, I think adding to our family now is a great idea. Why are we looking to get pregnant instead of adopt? Two reasons: you have to be married for two years before you can start the adoption process and the navy hates us. Wes is currently at sea. He will get back in May. He leaves for his next 6 months at sea next April. Which is less than a year away. Our two year anniversary is in February. Between February and April doesn't really leave enough time to apply for adoption, especially for the home studies and all that. By the time he'll get home, I'll have less than 6 months before I'm 35 years old. So what is a couple to do? Why, try to get pregnant now, of course!

Wes is thrilled. Beyond thrilled. He wants twins. He even agreed (sorta) to let the kids have my last name. I am shocked, scared, and feeling way not ready for this. But I've talked to many moms who said they didn't feel ready when they became moms. Even if they wanted to be moms. My own mom admitted she felt like a "fake" mom until her third kid: I was 13 by that time. So I figure I'll work through that aspect of it. I think part of the problem is that I've only thought of myself as a student/professor in training for almost my entire life. Now switching to wife/mom is difficult. I know I was a great TA. I don't know if I'll be a great mom. There's so many fears and concerns. I am excited, but I still feel like it's not real. I guess it's not. I haven't even had sex since November. That would be a necessity for babymaking. Can't wait to start that part!

Ideally I would get pregnant right before Wes left next April. That way I wouldn't be alone with a baby. Since I suffer from depression, post-partum, especially if I were alone, is a concern. But, since I've never been pregnant before, or tried before, and I'm 33, we have no idea how long it will take for me to get pregnant. Wes thinks it'll happen right away because he apparently has magic sperm and my eggs don't really factor into that. But I would rather be pregnant and alone than have a new-born and be alone. So I hope it doesn't happen until after next January. If it doesn't happen at all, then when Wes gets back after that trip we will start the adoption process. And if we have a second kid it will be adopted. I haven't give up on that.

When I married Wes I never thought my life would change this much, this fast. I've looked stuff up on line and I'll go see the doctor within the next couple of weeks. I suppose I should go off the pill in the next couple of weeks too (hey, if his sperm is so magic, why bother?). I'll probably go to the library and check out some books. I want to make sure I'm eating right. I checked my weight to make sure it's healthy. (An aside: I bought a new bikini on Sunday. I feel like a cow in it, but I know my husband will love it. When I checked my weight, I'm less than 10 lbs over the lowest weight I should be for my height (a 30 lb spread), yet I feel like a cow. What's wrong with me?) I know I can still swim while I'm pregnant. I love to swim. And if I do get pregnant, I'll finally have boobs. That's kind of exciting.

Well, that's the big news in my life.

Happy Birthday Camille!!!

Today is Camille's 33rd birthday. When Camille and I first met, she was a grade ahead of me and she had lied to everyone about her age, claiming to be a year older than she was. We were teenagers, and it was cool to be older. So I wouldn't be surprised if Camille decided she was only 32 this year. I'm watching you girl: I know the game.

This was the earliest picture of us I could find (I know my dad has earlier pictures of us at a school formal, but really, why would I want to embarass us like that). I think we're 18. There was another picture I wanted to post, but I couldn't find it. It wasn't a very flattering picture of Camille but her little baby sister is in the bottom corner with her finger up her nose. I love that picture. Anyway, I wish Camille's hair wasn't pulled back because it went down to her waist. It was really beautiful. And in case you weren't sure where her waist was, just look at the jeans. Apparently this was before people decided it was cool to have jeans so low your crack always showed.

Happy Birthday Camille!!! I hope you have a great year and that life gets easier with age and wisdom.

Also, happy birthday to my cousin Shanti.

I can go outside without a coat on!

I am home in Virginia Beach. It is warm and sunny. I have my bedroom window open. It is a beautiful thing. There is so much to write about, so this will probably be unorganized and incomplete.

Things I did when in Minnesota.
I crocheted an entire afghan. The size is slightly off because I started adding stitches somewhere and we didn't take out all the rows that had extra stitches. We only took out 8 of them (yes, we caught it after about a foot). But I did it and I enjoyed it and I will do it again. I am creative!!! So there.
I started flossing my teeth everyday. Something I always knew I should do, but never "had time" to do it. I had plenty of time there. Now my teeth will be even more beautiful.
I decided I will never live where it gets that cold. I don't mind the snow: it can be beautiful. But the cold, that's completely different. I'm just going to talk half of my family into moving someplace warmer.

I had a wonderful time with my grandma and I know I will always cherish these memories. I got her to tell me alot of stories. Some I wanted to know (when she started crocheting, driving, quilting), others I didn't want or need to know (how my grandpa was in bed). But I'm sad because I know she's lonely now. When I called to tell her I was home she told me how much it meant to her that I was there and she started crying. I hope she starts getting involved in her church and with her friends again. I don't want my grandma to be lonely. I did ask her to come with me, but she said no.

I also got to spend some time with my cousin and we had a great time. I really do like my family. I just wish they weren't all so far away.

I've already picked up my mail and paid all the bills. Now I just have to read the 10 magazines and 4 catalogs that I also got. And figure out what the book club sent me that I didn't order. I need to clean and do laundry (after I unpack), get groceries, clean out my fridge because some genius decided not to do it before they left (oh, if I wait three weeks, they'll be able to walk into the garbage disposal), e-mail and call a ton of people (if you're one of them, please be patient) and then find a job. And the time changes tonight, so it's like I'm losing two hours instead of one. At least I get to go outside without a coat on. Did I mention that my plants hate me right now too? I think most of them will revive shortly though.

On a sadder note, while I was gone I found out that my first youth pastor, who has remained a family friend, passed away. He has had brain cancer (or something like that) for more than two years. They originally gave him less than 6 months, but he got into a trial study. During that time he was able to put his things in order to make sure his wife would be taken care of and he was able to walk his only daughter (and only child) down the aisle when she married. He was a wonderful man with a great sense of humor. He was truly a godly man, one who loved God and showed God's love to others. He will be greatly missed and fondly remembered.

Also, Phoenix's aunt (his mama's sister) died of a drug overdose on Wednesday. She was only 20 years old. Phoenix doesn't understand what's going on, but he does understand that his mama is sad and that she keeps crying. They were very close and it looked like her sister was trying to get clean. I guess it only takes one relapse. I feel so bad for them. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to send a sympathy card?

That's all I'm going to write for now. I have plenty more to write later. I hope everyone is doing well and I'm so glad to be back home.

I'll bring the blizzard

Thursday was my birthday. And what did I get. I got a blizzard. With 18 inches of snow. This is me yesterday (Friday) in the pile of snow taken from my grandma's one car driveway, before the last 3 inches of snow arrived. Yes, apparently I am a bad weather bringer. If you remember, my family got stuck in Colorado a couple days after Christmas in all that mess. And when I tried to get out to MN the whole Northeast was buried. And now this. I am so ready to go home.

But the day was good. My grandma made me a cake. My dad called early to let me know how beautiful the weather was in TX (thanks dad). My mom called later. And then, to make me very, very happy, Camille called. That really made my day. I knew she was thinking of me, but I hadn't given her my grandma's number and my cell doesn't work up here (I told you I was in the middle of nowhere). She had called my mom to get my number and that made me so happy. When I went to bed I thought about what a great friend she is and realized that we have been friends for 20 years. And I'm sure we'll be friends for 20 more years. Then we'll still be only 33 years old. Because I just can't live through many more blizzards!

Minnesota living

Hi Everyone! I managed to make it to my uncle's to water his plants and get on the web. Since I offered to do this, I am here by myself (without my grandma asking me every 30 seconds if I'm done yet) so I thought I'd say hi.

The airport experience was horrible, although not as bad as some. I was supposed to leave Virginia at 11:20am and arrive in MN at 3:30p. I left Virginia at 6:00p and got to MN at 10:00p. But at least I made it. My grandma is happy that I'm here. I've started crocheting and it is really hard. It kind of makes my fingers cramp. Consistent yarn tension is hard to achieve. I haven't gained any weight either, although grandma is trying. It's been pretty warm, so I've been walking everyday. I've seen deer everyday too, but too far away to take pictures. We're getting stuff done too. Today we ordered my grandpa's memorial stone. It's going to be beautiful. We've filled out all the paper work needed for all the insurance and such. The evenings are very, very long. I'm getting a lot of reading done. And that's about it. I feel very cut off from the rest of the world. Sometimes that's nice, sometimes, not so nice.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

All packed

I'm all packed and ready to go. I'm a bit nervous about the weather. I'm not going through Chicago (which cancelled 400 flights today) but I am going through Philadelphia. It's having bad weather, but not as bad as other areas. In Minnesota, it's just cold. It's supposed to be a high of 0 (zero) tomorrow. My cousin is picking me up and we'll probably drive to my grandma's tomorrow night (if I get there). It's about a 4 hour drive. Yes, my grandma lives in the middle of nowhere. My cell phone doesn't work and I'll probably only get to check my e-mail once a week. Although I may just put my computer in the car and drive around until I find some wireless. My grandma is really looking forward to my visit. If it wasn't so cold, I'd be more excited too. The area is very beautiful in the summer, right next to a lake. During the winter, it's cold. Just plain cold. And my grandma likes to bake. I'm going to be fat when I get back. I do enjoy my grandma's company, but there's not a lot going on up there. She's going to teach me to crochet. So, for three weeks, I'll be crocheting and eating baked goods. Yes, that probably is it. I hope you all have a great three weeks.

Cat's Cradle

I actually had a rather nice day yesterday. The ship pulled into port so Wes was able to call me. And he called me twice today. So at least I got to talk to him.

Beth, while getting a BA in English literature I had to read The Stranger twice. The classes I took focused on colonial literature. This introduced to excellent authors like Rushdie and Achebe. But the university apparently thought that if you were getting a degree in literature you must have already read the "real" classics. Go figure.

Today, I read Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle. Several years ago a Polish friend of mine recommended Vonnegut. I had no idea who he was and it took me this long to get around to it. I wish I had started sooner. This book was amazing, funny, thought-provoking and absolutely wonderful. It was such an easy read and so enjoyable. I couldn't put it down. Unfortunately this is the only book of his that I own. I will be visiting the library quite a bit. Please go read this book right now.

Happy Anniversary to me

Today is my one year wedding anniversary. I haven't seen my husband since Nov. 26th, 2006. I haven't talked to him in more than a week. I haven't had an e-mail from him since Tues. Stupid navy. I miss my husband.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Although my goal in life is to read everything (of value) ever written, I have neglected a certain genre. I have not read such classics as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein or Dracula. Why should I read them when their stories have become part of everyday culture? Do I have to read them to actually know what they're about? These stories float among us everyday so why waste time reading them.

Boy, was I wrong. I picked up Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (I do own all three books). First, it's very short, so why not read it. Secondly, this book is not about what you think it is about. It's actually much more frightening. I expected many Jack the Ripperish scenes of horror. There's actually only one scene that even comes close. I knew the book was about the duality of man, the good and the evil and the separation of the two with the transformation of Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. But this duality is not the terrifying part of the story. By now most of society can admit that we all harbor good and evil within us. But this story's horror comes from the fact that the "good" Dr. Jekyll feels no remorse for the sins of the "evil" Mr. Hyde. Why? Because since Mr. Hyde is "evil" and Dr. Jekyll is "good" then why should Dr. Jekyll be responsible for Mr. Hyde's actions. Why indeed!?! This book is a wonderful commentary on a society that does not want to be responsible for our own actions, or the actions of those we directly influence. By allowing Mr. Hyde to do evil it gives Dr. Jekyll the excitement of wrong-doing without responsibility. But if Dr. Jekyll is the "good" guy, the guy that allows evil behavior because it's "not him" doing it, we are all in trouble. I'm not suggesting we all pull out our placards and start acting like loonies, I'm just suggesting that maybe we should examine our own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

I'll have some wine with my oatmeal

I had the kids this past weekend. We had a good time. They played with the billions of toys they got for Christmas. We played board games. We went to church. We had a great time. And they drove me crazy sometimes. Growing up, my dad was very emotionally abusive. His favorite phrase, which I heard at least once a day, was "you stupid idiot." Now, he mellowed as he grew older and he has repeatedly apologized for this. But I now understand, to a certain extent. If I am currently washing your sister's hair, can I 1)hear you yell my name repeatedly and 2)come open your legos box? Stuff like that. Lots and lots of stuff like that. Now, I have my dad's personality. And I too have mellowed with time. That's why I think it's good that I haven't had children yet. I think I could handle it now (I didn't call the kids stupid idiots, even though I wanted to a few times). So overall, it was a successful weekend. My favorite: I have cranberry juice with breakfast every morning. Out of a juice glass. Victor asked me if I was having wine. Yes, yes I am. I always drink wine at eight in the morning, before I go to church. Doesn't everyone?

I found the school I want to go to. It has everything I want. EVERYTHING. It is perfect. It is also 5 hours away. I'm going to see what I can work out.

I talked to my grandma today. I'm leaving next week on Valentine's day to go back to MN. She is so excited. I told her I had lost all the weight I gained over Christmas. She said that was good so I could gain some more weight back when I'm there. She's going to teach me how to crochet. She got my grandpa's death certificate and it has the wrong birth date on it, so she has to get that corrected. She's been sorting through all his stuff. She sounds good but she said it is a little lonely. She was married for 58 years. That's a long time. But she's got stuff she's excited about. She's going to CA (where all her siblings live) for a nephew's birthday in April or May, my cousin's wedding in Minneapolis in April and my sister's wedding in TX in July. She hasn't traveled for years. It is good that she is willing to partake in the "positive" aspect of my grandpa's death. I can't wait to see her. I can wait for the below zero weather and the extra weight. Oh well. Anything for family.

Comparison

Although I've been busy organizing and cleaning I haven't quit thinking about the sudden end to my life-long dream to be a history professor. A friend of mine who is currently going through a divorce compared marriage to graduate school. I started thinking about this and I think she may be right.

They both begin amidst hope and love. I know grad school will be hard, but I love history and I will work harder than anyone else for this. This is what I've always wanted and I'm willing to be poor for this. It will pay off in the end.

The first year is the hardest, as the reality of the situation kicks in. This is so hard. No one told me I would have to concentrate on school 24/7 and give up all my friends and socializing and my hobbies and just basically who I am. And I can't believe how expensive this is. How am I going to pay for all this? I want to quit.

But then, after surviving the first year, you realize, I can do this. I made it. I still love history. Yes, it's hard, but I'm going to learn to balance my life more and figure this out.

By the third and fourth year, you've just become a cynical, lonely, bitter person who doesn't want to give up because you've put so much time into it. You've worked so hard. And you know you loved history at one point in time. And do you really want to start over with something else anyway.

And then, someone else makes the choice for you. And it's over. And you beat yourself up. I should have tried more. I should have worked on my Russian language more. I should have spent more time in my advisor's office figuring this out. I should have figured out how to be more articulate.

Then you move to the anger stage. My advisor should have helped more. She wasn't very supportive and I don't think she even cared about me. The other professors should have done something about this situation.

Then you begin to notice certain things. The headaches are gone. You're sleeping better. You're excited to wake up in the morning because you don't know what you're going to do. You don't cry at the drop of a hat.

There's always fear mingled with all of these. What am I going to do? How do I figure that out? What if I'm not good at that either? What if I never figure out what I'm supposed to do? What it I'm not good at anything else at all?

Then finally acceptance. That when you put all your women's history books up for sale at half.com. I didn't like them the first or second, or even third time, I'm not going to like them again.

It's a difficult process. I wouldn't ever want to go through it again (divorce or leaving graduate school. I've done them both). I still don't know what I'm going to do, although I'm starting to get a clue. I'm going to do some more personal research before I say anything. It will be years before I can actually fully act on it. I'll have to go to school again and probably I'll have to start from scratch with a bachelor's. But I'm excited. And I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my husband, who is the most wonderful, caring man. He's letting me figure this out without pressuring me to move into a high-paying field just for the money. I'm thankful for my parents and family, who lovingly supported me throughout the entire time I was in school, and now that I've left, they haven't made me feel like a failure or that it was a waste of time. I'm thankful for my friends. They always encouraged me when I was in school, believed I could have finished my dissertation and they're still supportive of what I do now. Overall, this process has been a positive growing experience. I'm not quite thankful for the whole thing yet, but maybe someday I'll get there.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go read for fun!