Saturday, April 07, 2007

Hear that?

No, no you don't. Because there is nothing to hear. They are gone. No more screaming, fighting, begging, arguing or lying. And especially no more of the most annoying whining I have ever heard in my life. This week has made me seriously reconsider if I want to be a mom or not. I know that it's different having his kids. We don't actually get them that much and then when he's not here it's even harder. I feel impotent to discipline them. Afraid that anything I say will be twisted and passed on and twisted even further and then used as ammunition against my husband. And maybe because they're not mine to keep I tend to think in terms of a score card. One pleasant moment, three unpleasant moments and so on. And I allow the unpleasant moments to erase the pleasant ones. I try not to, but I feel like I'm trying so hard and all I get in return is "we want this," "why not" and "whatever." They wouldn't even hug me good-bye. Is parenting this thankless? I mean, I don't want kids just to have someone to love me and take care of me when I get old, but I already feel worthless, so do I want to add one more thing to feel like a failure about?

If you couldn't tell, I am seriously depressed. My husband will be home in about 10 days and I'm not even excited about it. Why? Because I feel like I haven't accomplished anything since he left. So the house is clean. Big deal. He doesn't even care about that. I need a job. I need to feel useful. I need to make money. I need to feel like I contribute more than my cleaning, cooking and pussy. I think I need medication. I hate depression. It keeps me from so many things. Like leaving the house. Making friends. Volunteering. Doing anything scary. And it makes everything scary. I'm so afraid of failure. I know I'm smart and can do so much but I'm so smart that I know I'm not smart enough to do anything. I feel paralyzed. I need my husband to get home. I need to find the courage to get off my ass and do something, anything. I hate this disease.

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