baby panic rant

I don't even know where to begin. I feel so stressed out and it's not over just one thing, it's over several. Let's start with Christmas and family, because hey, who stresses you out more than your own family.

I have a never married, childless aunt. I should start by saying she is wonderful, because she is. She makes a lot of her own Christmas presents, she's very generous, and she's fun. She's also stressful. She's the person who usually finishes her Christmas shopping in mid-Feb. and finishes all the homemade stuff by July and no, I am not exaggerating. Christmas is her holiday. She doesn't live close to any of us, so it's the one time of the year that she gets to see us. However, she has been bugging me, pretty much since I told her I was pregnant, about Christmas. Because she needs to know where to ship all the stuff and make flight reservations. Also, my cousin (and his wife and baby) moved to Austin, a couple of hours away from Dallas (ok, I guess about 4 hours) and so this year, his parents (who live in Maryland) and his brother, his girlfriend, sister and her boyfriend will also be in Texas for Christmas. In addition to my parents, my brother, his son, my sister, her husband, my Grandmere, my aunt and her husband, who all live in the Dallas area. Just in case you lost track, that's 19 people, not counting me, Wes, Navy Bean, Victor and Allison. So, my aunt has been trying to figure out how to coordinate all of this, even though in every e-mail she mentions that it's not her responsibility. She even sent an e-mail out with the dates we were "for-sure" going to be in TX, based on an e-mail from me that started, "we haven't cleared this with the x yet." My problem with all of this: 1) I want to spend time with my immediate family. I love my extended family, but the branch from Maryland, I usually only see once every 3 to 5 years. 2) Navy Bean will only be 5 to 6 weeks old. That means she will only do three things, sleep, eat and poop. Those who expect a more interesting show will be disappointed. 3) Victor and Allison are very shy and with that many people around, in addition to a new baby, they may not be that friendly. 4) My husband is in the navy and (they should know this since their dad was in the navy) we may not know what days Wes has off until the week before. 5) if there are complications, we're not coming. 6) We still need to decide how much money we're willing to spend to get there (we're planning on renting a vehicle). 7) that just sounds really stressful (24 hour drive with three kids, one of them an infant). I've just decided to let her plan whatever and then take her wrath when stuff doesn't turn out the way she wants them to (and then never do).

Add to this, Wes's family (woohoo!!!) who celebrate Christmas before Christmas. But we won't be there and so far, they don't really seem that anxious to do any re-arranging, even though they're all retired. Ok, let me rephrase that. When I told Wes's dad when we were thinking about coming, he said, "We'll have already celebrated" and it didn't seem to dawn on him that they could move the celebration. When I suggested it, you would have thought I suggested that Jesus was born in July and not Dec. Yet, they all want to see the baby and the kids too. Then work with us people!!!! We're driving half way across the country with three kids, one who will be less than 2 months old. Good grief. It's enough to make me want to stay here (which is actually what I wanted to do anyway, but my husband already told everyone we were coming).

Add to that: when I first gave dates and Christmas plans to the x, she responded (this is a paraphrase), I don't know if you can handle the kids and the baby so we'll decide closer to Christmas. Who'll decide? You??? Because that's not your choice!!!! Now, she wants to know for sure dates (again, she was with Wes for 8 years, she knows we don't have for sure dates yet).

Ok, so that's the first rant. Are we having fun yet????

Second stress point, slightly related to the first, in that it has to do with family. Most notably, aunts, uncles, grandparents, NOT FRIENDS. I don't want anybody to read this and think I'm talking about them, because I'm not. This specifically has to do with family. Family who call and say, "oh, I know you don't have anything so we want to get you something" and then disappear. Then I'm left wondering, especially after they have implied that they'd like to buy the crib, or something big and/or specific, "what do I do now?" Do I just buy the item and then deal with the "I wanted to get you that," or do I wait and then run out in a panic the day before the baby is born? I also hate those who say, "we'll just wait and see what you need." I don't have anything. I NEED EVERYTHING!!!! I am not going to wake up tomorrow and the baby gift fairy will have magically turned the office into a nursery with only 2 or 3 items still needed. The only way I will get anything is if either you buy it, or I buy it. See how that works??? I'm not worried about clothes. I have enough friends that the baby will be clothed, but I have a large family, one who likes to imply they are close, but yet, um, only my parents and my sister have gotten me anything (I love my brother, but he's a guy, so I'll probably not get anything there). I know I still have 9 weeks to my due date, but at the same time, I don't want to have to go to Target the week before the baby is due to get a ton of stuff I really need. With Christmas so close after the due date, I'm waiting for the "oh, we just thought we'd wait until Christmas to see what you still needed" excuse. Am I supposed to wrap her in a sheet and throw her in a box until then? If it's a need, and not a want, like really cute clothing, we're going to buy it before/soon after she is born. What sucks even more is that my family knows Wes is deployed right now, and I feel like I'm getting support from very few of them. Other than the stress of trying to figure out when we'll be home for Christmas.

Third rant, well, actually more of a fear. The baby is due in Nov. and I know my mom is flying out to help us. YAY!!! Then Wes's dad wants to come out too, after my mom is gone, only he'll view it as more of a visit then helping. And we'll have Wes's kids for Thanksgiving (which is good, I'm not saying that's bad). I'm hoping Wes's dad will come for Thanksgiving too then. Then, of course, is Christmas (which we've already discussed) and then Jan. This is what's freaking me out. Wes will be gone for Jan. and Feb. He'll be home on the weekends, but he'll be gone during the week. When are we going to be able to bond as a family? Just the three of us? (Yes, I know he has kids too, but they don't live here so it is different). Not to mention, since I've struggled with depression for so long, I have that fear, especially since things will be so hectic at first and then it'll just be me and her. I know that'll probably be when she starts smiling, as opposed to having gas bubbles, and she'll start to be awake more and have a personality and all of that, but it's still going to be a huge change, and it scares me a little bit.

Finally, I have this one friend who is driving me crazy. She recently moved out of state and is having a hard time getting a job. So she has a lot of time on her hands. But she calls me EVERY DAMN DAY. If I don't answer, she'll just call back until I do. First, the f word is every other word for her. And I don't really use that word that often. Only when I really need to make a point. Second, she's not working and I stay at home. We have boring conversations. Except, she feels I need to know every damn detail (and see, I don't really use foul language that much at all, and she's driven me to it), like, I met this guy and he had green eyes, and a blond flat-top and huge arms and 3 tattoos (then she will describe all three of them in detail) and he was like, hey, what are you doing? and I was like, oh, not much and on and on and on. Now, I love Camille more than all my friends, but do I talk to her everyday. No!!!! Do I want to talk to her more than I do? HELL YES!!!! Do I want to talk to her everyday? HELL NO!!!! You know why? Because we are both dignified, self-respecting people who realize that for the most part, our lives are boring. We have enough decency, when asked "what did you do today" when we did the same thing we did every other day, to answer, "the usual" and leave it at that. Now, when something other than the usual occurs, then great, I will take the blow by blow account, but really, I don't need to know about all the little crap. So this girl is driving me crazy. And now, she's talking about moving back here!!!! I can't even imagine what it would be like then. When she lived her before, she called me every day. I thought that maybe that would stop once she moved and made new friends. I really don't know what to do about the whole situation.

And now I feel all ranted out. My parents are coming this week, so hopefully that will make me feel better. I'm taking an 8 1/2 hour first aid/CPR course tomorrow, and I'm a little stressed out about that. I have contractions after sitting in church for a couple of hours, how am I going to handle all day? I'll just drink plenty of water I guess. Thank you for listening. I feel much better (or at least tired enough to finally be able to sleep without thinking about it).