Sunday, December 11, 2005

Epiphany

I've always felt slightly guilty because I don't feel as intensively about Wes as I did about Charley. I knew Wes was better for me, and that we were much more compatible than Charley and I, but I still felt this intense ache/longing for Charley. More emotional. Well, I think I figured it out.

I want Charley the way someone wants a drug. It makes you feel unreal and amazing. Invincible and intense. You have to have it, because it's a drug. hey want you to need them like a drug. They keep giving you just enough to keep you coming back, but no more. And when it goes away, you think you're going to die and that there is no way you can live without it. You forget all the yucky side effects and only remember the high. But you can live without and eventually, you find you don't think about it as much, you go longer and longer between times thinking about it. And when you do, there's a little ache, that wants that high again, but a larger part of your brain that reminds you why you shouldn't (although, that part doesn't always win out).

Wes is more like food, warmth and clothing. Things you don't think about, because they're just there. You need them, but don't ever think about them until they're gone. You might actually complain about how boring, plain, or old they are, but yet, if you didn't have them, you would die. You don't get the same rush from them as you would from drugs, but, if push came to shove, this is what you would choose. And if Wes went away, I don't think there would be any part of my brain that would remind me why I shouldn't be with him (unless he does something really stupid). And I would ache for him more intensely then I did for Charley (and that was really intense and very long). Wes is my sustenance. He keeps me going by taking care of me. He wants me to be happy. He loves me. He gives me all of himself. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him so much and I feel so happy and so lucky. I've never felt so secure in a relationship before. It is a wonderful, scary, exhilarating feeling. It feels like Christmas!

1 comment:

Queen of Ass said...

I'm glad you're so happy, Sweetie. You so deserve to be!