Week 5

I think that's right. I already did week 8, 7 and 6. Counting backwards was never my strong point (ok, counting forwards isn't my strong point either).

11-17 July. I'm sure if I skipped a few days, someone will let me know.

So, Monday-Thursday: same as last week, including margaritas.

Friday, 15th: Excursion to Gorki Leninskie. This is the home (the writer's, Gorky) where Lenin lived the last couple years of his life. It's about a half hour drive outside Moscow. Before I describe the excursion, this would be a really good place to say, Russia has the best public transportation in the world. Tokyo may have a better metro than Moscow (but only because it's newer), but every time we went into the countryside, we took either a bus or a train. And it didn't matter how small the town was, they would have public buses. So a giant shout-out to Russia for having something really, really right.

Anyway, there's a museum at Gorki Leninskie and then the two houses (the summer house and the winter house, of course). The museum was amazing. It was set up really, really well. They even had these cheesy areas, kind of like disneyland, where they would play music and movies, but there would be statues and stuff, so it would make it look like they were moving. It was so cool. I can't wait to go back. They actually had a lot of displays that could be useful for my dissertation. But, they said they don't actually have archives at the museum. It would still be fun to visit again. The houses were beautiful. These were old style nobility houses. We got to see Lenin's library and his office. It was also just really beautiful out there. Then, instead of walking all the way back to catch our original bus, we hiked for 30 minutes through fields and up hills to catch a new bus. We were joking that it was like some bad movie, with a string of American students walking through a foreign land to find transportation and shelter. We walked by a giant pond, and there were so many Russian families swimming. It was really hot, so I think most of us wanted to join them.

Then, that night, I met Elena, Illona and Natasha for dinner. We had a good time, just talking and eating.

Sat., 16th: I did homework all morning. Then, Elena and I, and the other student Kari, went to the Great Patriotic War memorial and museum. That would be WWII for you Americans. The GPW was very traumatic for Russia and the USSR. More than 26 million Russians were killed, and more than half of those were civilians. The entirety of Western Russia was completely destroyed. Of course, it didn't really help that Stalin was very paranoid and started moving around whole groups of ethnic peoples (anybody know who the Chechens are?). But the Russian people fought and they put it out there and I honestly believe that if the Russians hadn't fought like they did, Hitler would have won. Their main memorial looks like the Washington memorial, except there is an "angel" at the top, and along all the sides, are friezes of war scenes. It has the names of the cities who really fought and suffered carved on it, and various people as well. At the base, there is St. George, the Patron saint of Russia, slaying a dragon. It's very beautiful, but almost impossible to take a picture that does it justice. The building behind it is very beautiful, old style, with columns. The museum is in there. The museum has a Hall of Sorrow, recognizing all the people lost in the war. Hanging from the ceiling are 26 million chains, some with crystals on the end, to represent those who died. It is very beautiful and really reminds you how much 26 million really is. The museum also had a Hall of Glory, that lists all the people who won highest honors in the war. I think there were 4 different honors for this. Around 12,000 people were awards at least one of these. I think 4 men were awarded all four. Almost 80 women won at least one of them. The USSR had a division of women fighter pilots, and women were much more active there then they were anywhere else. Quite a few partisans (underground rebels in German occupied territory) won these honors as well. Since this year is the 60th anniversary, there were many different things going on to celebrate. Outside the Hall of Glory, there were the photos of some of the recipients, along with a large, painted portrait of them now, along with a biography. Needless to say, there were not 12,000 of these (however they were still working on it). I was pleased to see that among these recognitions were the portraits of 4 women. The actual museum itself was amazingly professional and still beautiful. It included sections on their allies (that would be us) and the help we gave them, a section on partisans, and a section on the Jews of the USSR, among many other parts. If you ever go to Moscow, demand that you be taken here. Absolutely amazing. It makes you thankful that within the last 100 years a war has never been fought on our land.

I need some sort of good transition here. That night, I made fajitas for Nina and Elena (Nina is Elena's mom: I lived with her). Nina was amazed and kept telling Elena to watch me (Elena doesn't know how to cook, and Nina does her laundry and ironing and everything else: on the other hand, Nina doesn't work and Elena does financially support her). Nina was very impressed, and thought the fajitas were just delicious (she was still talking about them when I left). It was fun, but I have to admit, I didn't light the stove (old gas stove, have to light it yourself). To be honest, I was terrified of the stove.

Sunday: 17th: Elena and I went to Novodevichii monastery and cemetery. First, I should say it's actually a convent, because it's for women, but Russian doesn't have a word for that. Second, do the cemetery first. It is beautiful, but it will also help you understand Russia. Now, this is THE "state" cemetery, but still. The graves are much closer together than they are in the states, and people plants flowers and plants on the graves. All the gravestones are monuments to the persons life. For example, this one person was a Dr. On his grave was a life-size statue of him in his dr. scrubs. This one woman was a ballerina, her statue is of her, in her ballerina custom, doing some move. They were almost all like this. There was one of a clown, and he had a monkey sitting on his shoulder on his statue. These were celebrations of the lives that these people had lived, not mourning for the lives they had lost. Now, the "regular" cemeteries are as "fancy" but even there, they usually have a picture of the deceased on the gravestone. I felt very at peace there and contented and happy. How many times have you felt like that in a cemetery? The monastery grounds were nice, but they really are all over the place in Russia.

After the monastery, we walked around this beautiful park and pond. We found these statues, of a giant mama duck and her babies following her. I guess they had been presented to Russia by Barbara Bush and represented a very famous American children's story (of which I had never heard). So I got a picture of me sitting on the mama duck.

I guess they really liked the fajitas, because that night, they asked me to make them again. They really were good.

ok, there's week 5 for you.

On a different note, I'm going to grandparent's house this weekend. I guess my grandpa's health is starting to rapidly decline, and he maybe going senile. I talked to my grandma yesterday, for the first time since I got back, and she asked me right away when I was coming to visit. When they die, I'm not going to wish I had done more homework. So, there will be no internet access from Friday until Monday night.

I hope everyone has a great day,
I have a dr.'s appointment. I'm going to ask to be put on acutane, because even though my adult acne keeps me looking young, I'm tired of looking like a 15 year old going through puberty.

Stacia

Back to Russia

I found the weekly schedules we were given in Russia. Ok, it appears I'm missing the first three weeks of schedules, but since I'm moving backwards, I'll worry about that when I get there.

July 18th-July 23rd (Monday-Sat)

We had classes all week, even on Friday, which we normally don't have (it's because we're leaving on a cruise on Sat.) I don't remember if I've already told you, but when we first got to Russia, they made us take placement tests, and I tested so low, I ended up being the only person in my group. Which is probably why my Russian improved so much.

Since not too much happened this week, I'll give you a breakdown of my day to day schedule.

Every morning: get up at 7:00p. Since we don't have hot water (it went off the week before, I'll explain it then), I take a cat bath with water Nina has boiled. Dress. Eat breakfast. Usually yogurt (real yogurt) and kasha (oatmeal). Sometimes we also had fruit, sandwiches and curds (like cottage cheese, except way smaller). And of course, tea. Grab my stuff, and leave the flat at 8:15a. The metro station is practically right outside the apartment building. Ride three stops to Dinamo. Count the stray dogs sleeping in the courtyard when I exit (usually 4 or 5). Walk through park and watch the little kiosks open up. Count the dogs in the park (usually 3 or 4). Walk through the road construction site (amazing). Take the perihod (not the correct spelling: just an underground walkway) to the other side of the 10 lane street. Walk past various buildings to the university. Usually, I'm the first person there (and I mean the first, even among our professors). Classes start at 9:00am.

Monday: 9:00am, geography. The professor is young, and everyone wants to know why he pays so much attention to me in class. This is the only class I have with other students.
10:00am: literature. The literature teacher likes me because I actually know the history of the country and many of the writers.
12:00: lunch: students eat in the cafeteria of the university. Usually, the food is pretty good and pretty cheap.
1:00: conversation. I like this class and I learn how to talk alot in it.
3:00: head up to the computer lab and hope it's open and working.
And then I usually go home, do several hours of homework and eat.

Tues: Same schedule until 10:00am
10:00am: Video. One of the my favorite classes. We watched Russian movies. He had printed out the entire dialogue of the movie in Russian and we would go over it.
12:00: lunch.
1:00: Grammar and lexicon. One of my favorite classes. I really loved this professor.
3:00: weekly meetings with our RD.
3:30: check the computer lab.
Then, go home.

Wed. same until 10:00a
10:00a: Conversation
12:00: lunch
1:00: Phonetics: this class was taught by the head of the department. We usually didn't actually do any phonetics, but ended up talking about politics and/or women in society, how it was different between Russia and America.
3:00: check computer lab, go home.
This Wed, I was supposed to meet with one of Elena's English students (Elena teaches English on the side). She had SMS'd (text message) me where to meet. So I went, and waited and waited. Turns out, she had not typed it very well into English (which is weird because metro maps are shown in Russian and English), and so I went to the wrong metro stop. I was very tired that day and didn't feel very good, so I went home, even after we figured out what had happened.

Thurs. Same schedule until 10:00a
10:00: grammar and lexicon.
12:00: lunch.
1:00: media. This professor had a very dry sense of humor, which because of the language difference, I had a hard time picking up. He also tended to be very traditional when it came to male/female roles. At first I really didn't like him, but after I figured out his sense of humor, we actually had a really good time.
2:00: phonetics.
3:00: computer lab.
3:30: Pancho Villa for 2 for 1 margaritas and nachos. This place was great. The nachos were delicious. It became a Thursday habit.
6:00: went home and did homework.

Friday: we had Monday's schedule because of the cruise. Went home after classes and tried to finish up all my homework and pack.

So, that was this week. Not very exciting. The other's will be better.

I just remembered something about the cruise. There was a talent show, and we had to participate in it. This one girl in our group, who thought she was amazingly talented sang a Russian song. It was so bad that the Russians in the audience were laughing at her while she sang. Then, she had written words about our cruise to the tune of "American Pie" and the rest of us had to get up and sing with her. It was pretty bad. The really awful part, she thinks she's a really good singer, and she's taking voice lessons. Wish you could have been there to have seen it.

Stacia

Great day

Yesterday was a wonderful day. Let me tell you about it. Previously, I had decided I needed to go buy some new clothes. I also decided my apartment needed a little something new too. I started at Target. I bought several very large picture frames, because I'm going to have more than enough pictures to redecorated every apartment in this building. I also bought a new kitchen trashcan because mine was nasty. I wanted one of those pretty silver ones, but those were $60 and I just can't see paying $60 for something I put trash in. I bought a very nice, very functional and very cheap rubbermaid one.

Next, I hit old navy. I noticed when I was packing for Russia that all my pants are jeans, khaki or black and all my shirts are various shades of green (I have green eyes), red, or neutral color. I needed a shake-up. I bought 14 shirts, 2 pairs of pants and 2 belts at Old Navy for under $200. I am good. I got a pair of their new corduroy pants. I got the red ones (but they're pants!). They makes my thighs look a little heavy from the front, but they make my butt look absolutely delicious! And besides, once I start swimming, the thighs will tone down. Then I got a pair of green pants (again, pants, not shirt). I care wear both either out or to work. Then (I think this is a sign of getting old, except I've been doing it since highschool), I found 2 different shirts I liked, and bought 4 of them each. Three of them are striped (everything in my closet is solid), and the rest are colors I don't have, like blues, yellows, and lilacs. Then I could a couple of cheap T-shirts on sale, 2 long-sleeve button down shirts and a dressy, black tank top. I did good, I feel happy and I can't wait to start wearing my clothes!

Then, I cleaned my bedroom. It had still had stuff strewn all over it from when I returned. I also did some heavy duty fall cleaning. Apparently, I am a huge pack-rat. I cleaned my "study" (the dining room, except my desk is in there). I really don't need electric bills from 1998. I got rid of so much stuff. I overheated my shredder 6 times, because I had so many old bills, bank statements, ect. Those two rooms took up most of the day, but they are now spotless. I did also clean up my computer desk, so today, I just have to finish picking up the livingroom, and then dusting and vacuuming. Then the apartment will be spotless. I'm so excited!!!! I love it when things are clean. And then I can start organizing my school stuff.

I also bought a notebook computer yesterday. After talking to my brother (a computer geek) and Wes (a computer geek) I bought one I thought I would be very happy with. I also got a new printer, because you actually have to hand feed the sheets of paper through mine. That gets really old when you have to print out several long articles a week for school. The computer has a ship date of Sep. 2nd, which kind of bums me out because that is the first day of school. I kind of wanted it by then, but that's ok. I'll get it the first week of school instead. And then when Wes is here, we're going to fix my giant desk-top, so it doesn't keep freezing up and I can once again use it to play computer games.

So there you have it. My very boring, but productive day. Oh, wait. I forgot, I did hang my new Moscow and St. Petersburg maps on my livingroom walls. I also hung my new Lenin propaganda poster in the bedroom. In the bathroom, I hung up a multiple picture frame in which I had put pictures of various Madison flowers (I love photography, so I take pictures of everything). Ok, so that's my very good day.

Now, I have to go make banan bread (no, banana is not spelled wrong: it's just the Russian spelling).

Normality

or something close to it, would be nice. I have not been able to sleep past 6:00am since I've returned home. And while I actually hope this continues until school starts (because it would make my life so much easier), I'm going to bed between 9 and 10p (ok, that's not really that different from my regular schedule, but I'd like to push it to at least 10:30p). So, it's Saturday morning, and I was up at 6:00a. Unfortunately, I'm one of those polite people, and I really need to clean and organize my apartment, but I don't want to wake any of the neighbors. That would just be rude. Therefore, I just spent the last half hour planning out my workout schedule for the fall.

I'm not sure how many of you know, but I have been diagnosed with Chronic mild depression. And the one thing I've found that really helps control it (without the use of medication) is exercise. For the last year, I've been swimming, but I want to add some other things to that. This next year is going to be very busy and stressful. I'm taking my pre-lim exams next April. I have four fields. That means, for two of those fields, I have to read about 100 books/articles (for each of those fields, not total). For the other two fields, that increases to about 200 books/articles (again, for each, not total). Then, 4 professors will give me 2 questions each, that I must answer in essay form, 5-10 pages for each question. I have 14 days to do this. I also have to create a syllabus for a class that I would teach (already working on it) and present a 15 page dissertation proposal (with a long bibliography). Does anyone see where the stress is coming in? This fall, I need to start applying for grants and fellowships for my dissertation research, which I want to start next fall. I also owe a professor a 25 page paper from 2 years ago (I don't even remember what the class was about), and I need to take a reading proficiency exam in German (I have to have 2 foreign languages). So, the exercise is going to be really, really important. I'm not actually taking any "official" classes in the fall. I'm doing independent studies with two of the professors I'm pre-liming with, which means I'll read what I need to and meet with them (if you do this, the pre-lims tend to be much, much easier). I've already done that with one of the other professors I'm pre-liming with and I'm also going to meet with the other professor as well. And I'm TAing this fall. And I'm in a long-distance relationship. This is going to be such a fun year!

It looks like I will be swimming MWThF and maybe Sat. as well. That's a mile each time I go. Then, I think I might take a belly dance class on Wed. nights, mostly because it sounds fun, and a Powerflow (yoga/pilates) class on Mon. and Wed. mornings and Tues. evenings. I know it sounds like a lot, but my friend Sarah, who took her pre-lims last semester, said that exercise really helped her sleep good and concentrate better when she was awake. It also helped her stress levels. Hopefully it'll help me smooth out the weight I gained in Russia. I don't mind gaining weight, I just don't like looking lumpy.

I am going to finish cleaning/organizing my apartment this weekend, so when school starts, I'm starting out ok and know where everything is. I also want to take Sundays totally off and not do any school work on those days: Sarah said that also helped quite a bit. I'm going to try it. That just means I'm going to have to be more disciplined during the rest of the week. I can do that.

Today, in addition to cleaning, I'm going to Old Navy and spending money. I wore out most of the clothes I took to Russia (Russia is really hard on clothes, and their water is so disgusting, it actually stains your clothes a rust color). Also, I don't fit very well into my old clothes. And, I noticed, I've owned most of these clothes for more than 4 years. It's time for a wardrobe update. Wes said he will also take me clothes shopping when he gets here. That's nice of him.

Ok, sorry, but no Russia update today: I can't find my Russian schedule. I'm sure I'll find it today when I'm cleaning. I think I may do a bit of redecorating also: realized nothing has changed in my apartment in 5 years. I love the way my apartment looks, but I think that may be a sign of getting old.

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend,
I really am glad to be back,
Stacia

Cruise down the Volga

Before I write about Russia today, I have a few things about the present I need to write about. First, it's my sister's birthday today. Happy 19th birthday sis!!!! Second, I don't remember if I told you, but I had 2 dozen red roses delivered to my house Wed. morning with a little "I love you" balloon. Yes, they're from Wes. And finally, I'm looking to buy a notebook and I really don't know anything about computers, except that I type papers on them, surf/blog, and play computer games. I think the Dell Inspiron 600m would be good enough for me. Does anyone have any opinions about this? I could use some help here.

Ok, now to week 7 of my summer in Russia. The cruise from Moscow to St. Pete's down the Volga River. Please feel free to be envious.

Sat. July 23rd. Did homework. Changed money, bought vodka and snacks, packed. Head to the metro where we all met at 5:00p. Went to the boat. The boat is beautiful. Most of the people on this boat have been saving for this vacation for most of their lives (between $3000 and $5000 per person). Our resident director (henceforth, RD), knows someone: we got on the boat for $500 a person (we're not supposed to tell anyone that, so please keep it to yourselves). There were approximately 350 people on the boat, and 121 crew members. That night, we had a great dinner. Oh, and I'm rooming with Kari (see previous blog). After dinner, we all go out to deck and have a little something to drink. Since we are all staying with different families in Moscow, this is actually the first time we have all drank together. Sasha (who's 18), has too much to drink. We have video of him peeing off the side of the boat, and throwing up off the side of the boat. I don't think he'll ever go into politics. Since we're up drinking late, we see some strange things. Like a group of about 10 people completely naked, waving and screaming at us. I think they were about to go swimming. Unfortunately, it was pitch dark, and we were moving really fast, so we have no photos of this (I think they were all guys, with one girl).

Day 2: The volga river is beautiful today: by the end of the week it gets boring. But, we stop at Uglich today. We see a monastery (these also get boring by the end of the week). This one is associated with Ivan the Terrible. If I remember correctly, this monastery has blue onion domes, with gold stars on it. I also buy tons of souvenirs.

Day 3: Today we visit Kostroma: and another monastery. And I get pictures of the Lenin statue in town (by the end of the trip, everyone was teasing me that Lenin was my boyfriend). The towns are blending together, so I really don't remember much else about this town. I'll have to go back and look at my pictures.

Day 4: Uaraslav: another monastery. Actually, this monastery was pretty cool. Didn't get a picture of Lenin, well, at least not a good one. Also went to a book store and bought several books. I think we went dancing that night in the bar. The music was very, very lame.

Day 5: Gorits': the most beautiful monastery we went to the entire time. It was huge and right on the river front. It was very peaceful and just wonderful. It only had 2 monks living there. This was by far the smallest village we had been to (less than 10,000 people). You could tell, by the amount of wood already stacked outside of most of the houses, that they didn't have central heat, and had to use the wood. But the houses were pretty large. In Russian cities, everyone lives in apartments (there are no, and I do mean no, houses, at all, in any of the cities). Here, the statue of Lenin was silver and it wasn't on a base, so I got a picture with me and Lenin!!! (how much more exciting can life get?). We also bought a watermelon. It was really good! At the monastery, there was a place where you could dress up in traditional Russian costume and get your picture taken, and our RD's girlfriend convinced him to dress up in traditional women's clothing. Guess who has the only picture?
I think we went dancing again this night. We took in an I-pod and the DJ let us play our own music.

Day 6: Kizhi. This is a tiny little island and I don't know that anyone really lives here. But it has a very old, huge monastery, built entirely out of wood (I think they said it was built in the 1640s). Due to the water and age of the wood, the onion domes look like they've been painted silver, but they haven't. This place was really, really beautiful, and it is on the world's heritage list (I'm sure it's on a web page somewhere). Everything was also really, really expensive. But we bought two bottles of vodka. Guess who got drunk that night!!!! Apparently I'm a very happy drunk who calls everyone baby.

Day 7: For some reason, that morning we pulled over to a timber elevator thing. This place was huge and really cool. This is an area that few people live in and is thick forest area, so they harvest the wood. But they have this huge system to get the lumber to the boats: again, when I figure out how to the use the camera, I'll post pictures. But we weren't supposed to stop here. Turns out, one of the old Dutch guys (hardly anyone on this trip was Russian: they were all European) had had heart surgery, and he wasn't doing so well. So, they had an ambulance waiting for him and he and his wife left the cruise. And this really (and I mean really) hot Russian on the shore winked at me! Anyway, later that day we stopped at Mandroga. This is a town that was built to be a tourist attraction. I guess they just needed another place for the cruises to stop. The handicrafts were definitely the best I had ever seen, but the prices were really, really high. We did, however, have some of the best shashl"k (kebobs) I've ever had. Today was also Sasha's birthday. So he got really, really drunk. As did one other member of our group. We tried to go dancing, but the DJ was being a total dick (which one of the drunk guys kept pointing out). So, we sat in the hall and talked for a really long time.

Day 8: arrive in St. Petersburg. Danny and I go to the Political History Museum instead of the Hermitage. I've been to the Hermitage. I get a beautiful picture of a Lenin stained glass window. Then, we meet the others for lunch, and we go to a Blockade museum. Leningrad (St. Pete's) was blockaded by the Germans in WWII for 900 days. About 1/3 of the population starved to death: people ate their furniture and sometimes other people. The rations for children was 125grams of bread a day. And during this time, the factories in Leningrad were still producing for the war. So the museum was beautiful, but very haunting. That night, a few of us just sat around talking. Danny bought this drink called Red Devil, made by Happyland. Well, it tastes like ASS, and does not take you to happyland. Danny took a very unflattering picture of me, right after I tried this crap. If you ever see this stuff, don't do it.

Day 9: Today is Sailor Day in St. Pete's. Yes, that meant tons of sailors, from all around the world, congregating in St. Pete's. I kind of ditched the group, and walked (literally) all over St. Pete's, taking pictures of sailors and monuments and other things. I also went to the Chagall exhibit. It's the largest Chagall exhibit ever shown (and I'm probably spelling his name wrong). I didn't really know anything about him, but this was amazing. It was a good morning. Then, that afternoon, we went to the Dostoevsky museum. It was wonderful!!!! For those of you who don't know, Dostoevsky is my favorite author, ever. I bought a map of St. Pete's that showed all the places Dostoevsky lived when he was there. Then, we went to the best Indian restaurant, ever. It's called Tandori Nights, and if you're ever in St. Pete's, you have to go. Be careful though, because it's right next to a really bad Indian restaurant, called Tandora.

Day 10: Bus tour of St. Pete's. We also took all our stuff from the boat, to the dorm, because we were leaving that night. Funny story: we all were getting our own stuff off the bus and into the dorm. In comes Sasha, with just his backpack. He looks around and says "where is my stuff?" We all just look at him, and ask him where he's been for the last 5 minutes. We all brought in our own stuff. Well, he has to run after the bus, which has started leaving, and he has to hit the side of the bus to get the driver to stop, so he can get his stuff. I never get a picture of the Lenin statue. Oh well. Went to Peterhoff in the afternoon. It was so cool. We had a great time. Except, when we came back, all we wanted to do was eat at McDonald's. Only, we couldn't find McDonald's. And we walked and walked. Finally, we just ate at KFC. It was very good, but no biscuits. Then we all head to the train station. I'm exhausted, so the second I get my compartment, I fall asleep and don't get up until the next morning, to use the bathroom before they close it (the toilets on the old trains (meaning, the majority of them) flush right on the tracks, so they close the bathrooms before you get into any towns).

That is it for the cruise and week 7. Stayed tuned for Week 6 in the exciting adventures of Stacia in Russia.

Working backwards

I guess I will work my trip backwards. I was in Russia for a total of 8 weeks. Here is week 8.

We had just returned by overnight train from St. Petersburg, and we had to go to class that morning (it was Tuesday). We were all exhausted. I had gone home, and when I walked into the flat, I was informed that for some reason, there was no water at all (all Russians lose their hot water for at least 2 weeks during the summer, but not usually all their water). Since I hadn't taken a shower and felt gross and was tired, this was not good news. However, they had heated up water for me (the neighbors had water) and I took a cat-bath. Classes actually went better than I thought they would. It was my last day of video class, a class I really enjoyed.

That evening, we had a party at Swathi's flat. She was a student who had been in Moscow for a full year, and so she was leaving early. I really like Swathi and I hope that we will stay in touch. We had watermelon and brownies. They were very good. Also, Swathi's housemom had entirely remodeled the flat. Most Russian flats pretty much look like they were built in the 1950s (which they were) and most hadn't really had anything done to them since. Swathi's flat looked like it could have been featured in an American condo magazine. It was beautiful. With heated tiles in the bathroom and kitchen. Just amazing.

Wednesday. My last day of conversation class. That was very sad. When I got to Russia, I could barely speak Russian. Now, in Russian, I can tell you that I am adopted by my dad, about my entire family, where they live, what they do, how old they are, about my brother's drug addiction, his tattoos and body piercings, how he got cleaned up, the fact that he is now a single dad (no one in Russia understands this concept: how can a man take care of child all by himself. They all assumed he lived with my parents and that my mom took care of my nephew, and I still don't think they believed me that he didn't), about my bad marriage, about Wes's life story, and about my studies, among other things.

That evening, we had a party with the teacher's. We went to Pancho villas, where most of the food was actually Mexican (except the fajitas) and the strawberry margaritas were excellent. The program paid for the food, and it just kept coming and coming and coming. It was great. We also gave our professors gifts from all the students. We had split up the professors, and we were supposed to spend about $10 each. Ok, so side story: there was this one girl, let's call her Kari. Kari lived in a dorm, not with a family, because she's "really independent." And she was also in another program from us, so we really didn't see her that much. We had split up the gifts in St. Pete's and told her at Peterhoff that she was buying a gift for Galina. We talked about it for at least 5 minutes. Then, on the train, Danny told Kari twice that she was buying for Galina. Then, on Wed. at lunch, we were discussing all the presents and asked Kari what she had gotten for Galina (the head of the entire program), and she was like, "what, why didn't anyone tell me?" So, she went and bought a $50 coffee table book, and then asked us all (repeatedly) to give her money for it. Needless to say, when she threw herself a birthday party on Friday, no one went.

Thursday. Last day of class. Very sad. I think everyone went home and slept.

Friday. We went to a chocolate factory. It was great!!! We got to see how everything worked and we got a ton of chocolate. If I was more computer knowledgeable, I would show the pictures of me in my lab coat and lunch lady hairnet they made us wear. I will figure out how to do that and post the pictures later. Friday night, Elena, Illona and I went to dinner. They are my Russian friends, and they wouldn't let me pay. It was really, really expensive, but very good. I tried the Ukrainian dish of pig fat (it tastes like cold bacon fat without the meat), which is a really good vodka chaser, which we also drank.

Saturday. Didn't do much of anything. Went to market in the evening and bought some gifts.

Sunday. Went to the VDNKh park. It's like a giant state fair, with rides and exhibitions. It was beautiful and I took a ton of pictures. It was built to exhibit the greatness of the various peoples of the USSR. Now, the exhibits are a bunch of stores. Makes you kind of feel sorry for them. Then I met my friends and we went to the market again, and I finished up buying presents. Packed for the first time. Went out for Japanese food with Elena and her boyfriend Denis. The food was great. I'm really going to miss them. That was the last time I saw them, and it was very emotional.

Monday: went to the VDNKh with Nina (Elena's mom, who I was living with). We had a great time. Went home, packed again. Monday night, all the students moved into the dorms. Some students went out, but most of us stayed in and watched Russian movies.

Tuesday: got up at 3:30a. Got on the bus for the airport by 4:00am. I think I already wrote about the rest of this.

So, that was the last week of my life in Russia. I soon as I figure out how, I'll post some pictures.

Stacia

I have my luggage!!!!

Today has been a very productive day. First, I went to the grocery store to get wonderful, american food. Now, I love Russian food, but I gained a ton of weight in Russia. At this point, my butt has turned into an excellent shelf on which to rest my backpack. The Russian salad is a tomato and cucumber, cut up, with a cup of sour cream or mayonnaise on top. And everything is fried in a cup of oil. I figure that just switching to my normal American diet will help me drop some of this weight.

So, I bought groceries. Then I went to the airport and my luggage was there!!!! And there was much rejoicing!!!! And nothing broke!!!! Although my sister's suitcase now looks like it's been to hell and back. Sorry sis.

When I got home from the airport, there were 2 dozen red roses waiting for me and a little balloon that says I love you. Those were from Wes, in case anyone didn't know. I'll write about that later.

I've talked to my mom and Wes on the phone. I can't get ahold of Camille though. Camille, call me!! I miss you and can't wait to talk to you.

I made a hair appointment, a dr. appointment and went through all my mail. I also took a 3 hour nap. I'm hoping to get on a regular schedule asap. I hope that works. I've kind of unpacked my suitcase. But now I have stuff sitting everywhere. And I really need to do laundry. I'll do that tomorrow.

For the rest of the day, I plan on taking it easy. Looking up a few things on the internet, maybe dying my hair. Oh, I need some serious feet work. Russia just kills the feet. I need some advise on how to get my feet presentable again. After they're presentable, I plan on getting a pedicure. Yes, they are so gross that I think I'm going to have to wait a while. HELP!!!! Think dry and scaly. What's the easiest way to take care of this?

ok, that's it for now. I think I might try to load my camera software on my computer so that I can post a few pictures. But my computer keeps dying, so you might have to be patient about the pictures. It's good to be back home.

Stacia

Where's my luggage?

I'm back. Thank God!!!!! It was quite an ordeal. I guess I'll start with the trip home and then work the blogs backwards.

So, Tuesday morning, 4:00am Moscow time (9 hours ahead of Central Standard Time) all the students (except the two drunk ones) move all their luggage outside and load the bus. 4:20am, drunk students show up and load their crap.

Around 5:30p we get to the Moscow airport. Our resident director has told us to check our luggage all the way through to our final destination. Unfortunately, none of the airline staff speaks English (no, we did not learn how to check our luggage), and almost all of the luggage gets screwed up. Sit around until boarding, which was at 7:00a.

Get to Frankfurt and have a 5 hour layover. Even though I have about 2 pounds of Russian candy in my bag, I realize I'm in Germany and I HAVE to get some gummy bears. I mean, I'm in Germany! Also eat at McDonald's. They do not have a Euro menu in Germany.

Finally get on a plane and fly to Washington DC, Dulles airport. This takes about 8 1/2 hours. I am the dispenser of dramamina (Russian version) so that we can sleep. By the time we land, we've been traveling for around 16 hours. We make it through customs (well, actually, this is when the group started to fall apart: we didn't even actually get to officially say goodbye to everyone). Megan has the same flight as me to Detroit, and she gets a message that the flight has been cancelled. But our bags have been checked all the way through (although, not correctly), and they're really, really heavy. I recheck my bags: Megan grabs hers.

We go to Northwest airlines and explain that we've just gotten off international flights and really want to get home today. They're very nice and schedule us for flights from Regan and give us taxi vouchures. Megan takes off (her flight was directly to Minneapolis) and I go try to find my luggage. Unsuccessfully. The person at the baggage claim is most unuseful and tells me to write down my name and information, but doesn't enter anything in the computer.

I get to Reagan and the first person I see is Megan. Her new flight has been delayed. Both our flights are now leaving at 8:10p EST. I go to the NW counter and get my luggage thing straightened out. I'm picking it up today, on the flight they had originally scheduled me to be on. I hope nothing is broken. Leave for Detroit at 8:10p.

Get to Detroit at 9:30pm. Haul ass to other side of airport, only to discover that their are some problems with my scheduled flight: there are no pilots. At this point, I had been traveling for 26 hours. I'm not exactly happy and I'm sure I don't smell all that good either. Also, since it's late, the Taco Bell in the airport is closed, as are all the other places. I'm going to Taco Bell today. Finally, we get pilots at 1:30am and take up for Madison. Due to the time change, we get into Madison at 1:30am. Beth and Ryo are waiting for me (I did call them and let them know about the delay), and they drive me home.

2:00am. Finally, I crash into bed. Wake up at 5:30am, which is actually ok. It will help me get used to the new time. Being home is weird. I have to re-orient myself to everything. And today, I have to drive to get groceries, which kind of scares me. But I'm starving now, so I will leave you.

It's good to be home, although I already miss it there. Can't wait to share my adventures with you. Missed you all much.

Stacia

Last News from Russia

Stacia will be home in a couple of days, and thank God for that. I miss that girl something awful and she does a much better job at maintaining her blog than I do. But I wanted to give a little more detail before she comes back. That way she can just fill in holes in the tale and not have so much blogging to do. So, here is my last guest blog entry:


July 13, 2005

I had to give a presentation in history class this morning and the presentation had to be in Russian. The teacher had no idea what any of our language levels were. I wrote my essay and have been trying to practice it. Everyone knew I was really nervous, and that it has more to do with the fact that I hate looking stupid than anything. Hardly any of the students have ever heard me speak. So, I get up to give my presentation, the first page was pretty bad, but then it goes more smoothly. I was a little nervous too, because I put my own opinion in it. I finished it, and the entire class clapped for me. Several of them later told me that I had done good and that even though it started rough that I finished strong. So, even though it still didn't go great, I still feel really, really good. Now, I'm going to go get 2 margaritas for the price of one. I earned it!!!!

July 22, 2005

Tomorrow we leave for our cruise down the Volga river to St. Pete's. It'll take us about 6 days to get there, and then we'll be there for 3 days. We'll stop at little towns along the way for sight-seeing and shopping. In St. Pete's, we're doing the Hermitage and the Dostoevsky museum, which I am really excited about, because I've never been there before. We're taking a night train back to Moscow next monday night and then we have classes on Tues. We'll only have 3 days of classes and then we're through with them. Then the weekend and then we leave the next Tuesday. It's flying by. I really don't know if I want to come home yet, becuase I'm finally making a lot of progress and I don't want to lose everything I've learned. Guess I'll just have to practice a lot when I get home.

July 30, 2005

The cruise has been good, although it started getting a little long about two days ago. We only get to go to land, at the most, 4 hours a day, sometimes less. So I'm feeling lack of movement. But the area is beautiful, and the little towns we've stopped at have been great. I'm getting a ton of pictures, and I can't wait to show them to you. There's been a lot of partying going on too, and I think only a couple people in our group haven't gotten sick. Thankfully, I've been one of the lucky few (of course, I haven't really drank that much either). The bad thing about the cruise is that we're hardly using our Russian at all, and I already feel it slipping away. I'm going to have to work really hard to make sure this summer isn't a total waste (ok, I'm in Russia, so it could never be a total waste). I can't believe how fast the time has flown by.

Today, most of the group is going to the Hermitage. I love the Hermitage, but I've already been there twice, and there's so much in St. Pete's I haven't seen. So, those of us who have been here before are doing our own thing today. It'll be nice to see what I've missed. I think we're doing the Museum of Russian history and the WWII museum (Leningrad was blockaded by the Germans in WWII for almost 3 years and almost 1/2 of the population starved to death). Tomorrow we're going to the Dostoevsky musuem (he's my favorite writer) but I'm not sure what else we're going to do.

News from the "front"

June 27, 2005

Things are going well. The classes are getting better. Easier and harder at the same time. Which is good. I feel like I'm doing much better in classes, although outside of classes I'm still too shy to talk. Although, I talk to my housemom all the time. I just need to get over it.
Saturday I finally found time to go to a museum. It's the museum that only has Russian artists. It was very nice, but I wish I had more time to browse. The girl I went with really didn't seem to have a huge appreciation for art. It was like she was only going because everyone had recommended it.
The weather has been beautiful the last couple of days, which was really nice yesterday. We went to Tolstoy's estate, which is 3 hours, by train, outside of Moscow. Considering he was a noble, the house wasn't as big as you would expect, but the grounds were beautiful. There were at 3 least ponds and lost of forest to walk through. Very peaceful. Tolstoy's grave was also there, but he didn't want a huge monument, so it's just a bump of earth with grass growing on it. I'm taking ton of pictures.
The rest of the week is classes. But Friday we're going to the Duma. That should be very exciting. Maybe I'll get a glimpse of President Putin!

June 30, 2005

Things are going well here, but busy. The weather is rainy and cold again. This week, my friend Illona came to visit, I hadn't seen her since last time I was in Russia, so it was a nice visit. Last time I was here, she was still a student, but now she actually has a real job. Tuesday, I went with my tutor and got a library card to the state library (previously the lenin library). My tutor showed me around and we tried to figure everything out. My advisor wants me to do some research for my dissertation while I'm here, but I don't know how much time I'll really have. My tutor graduated from university today (which he told me about), but he forgot to mention that he was valedictorian of his class, so he got to give a speech (which I didn't understand because the acoustics were really, really bad).
School is going better. Several of my professors have told me that my Russian is improving, but that I need to totally forget English and do everything in Russian. I wish it were that simple. But I keep at it, and hopefully when I get back to the states I'll have the desire to continue using it, otherwise, this trip will be a waste of time (ok, not really, I mean, I am in Russia). But, I have managed to have conversations with three different people, in Russian, about government, democracy, dictators, communism, ect. . . .I think that shows definite improvement.
This will be a busy weekend. Tomorrow we're going to the state Duma, which I'm very excited about. Saturday we're going to the largest 4th of July celebration outside of America. Although, it's supposed to rain (I hope not). Sunday, Monica (another student) and I are going to visit the Kremlin, its museums, see Lenin (he's basically a candle by now) and Red Square. I'm excited about that. Oh, and lots of homework.

July 6, 2005

The 4th of July celebration on Saturday kind of sucked. The weather was really bad, and we got out there at 2:30p, so within a couple of hours, we were ready to leave, even though the main band didn't start until 8:30p and then fireworks after that. We should have gone later in the day. There wasn't really anything to do besides eat food that was pretending to be american. Sunday, one of the other girls and I went to see Lenin. We waited in line for an hour, and we were next in line, and the guards told us they were closed. So, we're going to go back again next week. Instead, we just walked along the Kremlin wall, which has the tomb of the unknown soldier and several WWII memorials. We also went into St. Basil's Cathedral, which they've restored since last time I was here. It was really nice.
Sunday night Wes called and we talked for about 20 minutes. That was really nice. I really miss him. Monday, I got sick and didn't go to school. Apparently, in Russia, when you're sick, you only get dry toast and tea. I had to beg for soup and she thought I was crazy. I'm feeling much better now though. Elena and her boyfriend got in another huge fight last night, and she was asking my opinion about it, but the male/female dynamics are so different in Russia than they are in the US, that I really didn't want to give my opinion. Here, things are much more traditional (think, the Cleavers) and while domestic violence is frowned upon, it's still common. I told one of the Russian woman, who helps run this program, that I was divorced, and why, and she asked me if I provoked it. This is from a very well educated woman who has been to America several times, so just imagine what the common Russian thinks.

Update from Moscow

Hi folks, this is Camille again. I received an email from Stacia this morning. She is okay but seems a bit stressed. She was worried about her Russian language skills prior to this trip and it seems that since they are umm.... rather rudimentary, she has to take several classes... ALONE. Sounds like not so much fun. She has enjoyed seeing Elena and her boyfriend but hasn't been able to have any one on one time with Elena yet. She is looking forward to some excursions this weekend, sounds like she needs a little fun.

She did happen to see Pres. Putin's motorcade but did NOT happen to have her camera with her. I suggested she just keep it on her. Well, that was all from the Russian front today.

On the home front there was good news as it seems that her brother will not be contested by his ex for primary custody of little Phoenix. They are just trying to iron out some details.

Well, reporting for Stacia, Camille is over and out...

The package arrived safely...

This is Camille, posting for Stacia. I received an email from her today saying she is safely in Moscow. She is exhausted and starving to death and said she still feels like she is moving (don't you hate that?). Stacia said 11 other people are in the group that she will be with in Moscow and that she is ancient, oops, I mean, she is the oldest there. They all seemed like nice people and it looks like she has a fun summer ahead! I'll update here as often as she emails me. Or maybe we can just whisper about her until she comes back - she loves that.

That's all for today.
Camille

This is it.

Well, I leave tomorrow. All the bills are paid, everyone has been e-mailed, keys have been distributed, the suitcase is packed. So I guess I am technically ready to leave. But I am a bundle of nerves. Tomorrow I leave for Washington DC for two days of orientation. Then on Thursday we leave for Russia and arrive there Friday. I'll see my friend Elena on Sunday. I don't perceive any huge problems, but you never know.

In October 1999 I boarded a plane to Moscow Russia. I was 25 and had never left the USA. I didn't know anyone in Russia. A friend of a friend of a friend knew someone in Russia who took in American boarders. I got off the plane not knowing if that person was actually going to be there to get me and if we would get along for the whole month I was there. She was, and we did and we're still friends (I'm staying with her again). But after my disastrous marriage, I needed the confidence that traveling to Russia, alone, as a woman, gave me. If I could do that, I could do anything. So I know that no matter what happens on this trip, I will be able to handle it. I am scared that I will be the worse Russian speaker in the group, that I will be the oldest. But you know what, it doesn't really matter. I'm going there to learn Russian, something I've wanted to do since I was 15 years old. I have a good foundation, and I want to learn. Even if I'm the oldest one there, I guess that means I'll probably be the one who is most sure of myself (not the most confident, just the one who knows myself the best), and I'll have wisdom to dispense (ha!). It's just one more thing to learn from. And I know I can do it.

I will miss everyone so much, especially since I wish I could take everyone with me. Wes is sorta freaking out. He's just going to miss me a lot. But I know we'll be able to do this. Camille is going to periodically update my blog, because I don't know how much internet access I'll have. On an unhappy note, Corinne (my brother's ex-fiance, the baby's mama), is pregnant. Now we definitely think she got pregnant on purpose with Phoenix (my brother was about to leave her) and we wonder if she got pregnant on purpose this time too. It looks like she was pregnant less than 4 months after her and my brother broke up. We hope this won't affect the custody thing.

Other than that, all I have left is to clean out the fridge, because I really don't want to come home to 2 month old pork and beans.

have a great summer,
Stacia

Brick Lane

I just finished Brick Lane by Monica Ali. It is brilliant. It is about an immigrant, Muslim woman's life in England, before and after 9/11. I have read other Muslim literature before, especially Salman Rushdie, but this book took a very different perspective of culture clash and difficulty of not exactly fitting into your "new" society while not being able to go back to you old one. The book was beautifully written, and I couldn't put it down. It also ended on a sad but hopeful note. I would highly recommend it to anyone.

I told Wes I want to make us work. I do care about him very much, maybe a bit afraid to admit I love him. But it does feel right. I don't know what that means, but it feels natural, and safe and like it's meant to be. So, we'll see what the future holds. Just telling him that, most of the fear went away. I feel good.

I need to pack. I think half my suitcase is going to be filled with stuff for Elena and her family. I don't know what I'm going to fill it with on the way back. I've been there twice and don't really need anymore souvenirs. And I'm not buying that many gifts. Oh well. I think it's starting to hit home that I'm leaving for Russia for the whole summer. This will be the longest I will have ever been there. I hope I still like it when I get home.

My life is filled with hope and excitement!

Stacia

Not stating the obvious. . . for obvious reasons

Last night I checked out Camille's blog and she had a link to another blog, which I also checked out. Since I have no idea how computer's work (there's a hamster on a wheel in there, right?), I don't know how to add the link, but you can click on her link on my page and go about it the long way (yes, I know several of my links don't work and I don't know why). Anyway, this page is about secrets. It made me cry and it made me want to hug every single person I meet from here on out and tell them that someone loves them. Only, I don't have enough energy to love everyone. Sometimes, I don't have enough energy to love myself. But it made me think about my secrets. Only I don't really have any. Everyone knows that during the last months of my marriage I prayed my (ex)husband would die. But, sometimes we keep secrets from ourselves too. So, I guess this is my secret. I'm afraid to be loved by a man. I'm afraid I'm not worth it and that any man who thinks he loves me will someday realize the truth about who I am and leave me. And I know this is a large part of my problem with Wes. Because if I let him love me, and then he leaves, not only would I lose a great man, I would lose a really good long-term friend. And if I do let him love me, I would cry and cry and cry and cry. Probably for hours. Snotty nose crying. Hyperventilating crying. Just letting out all the pain, shame, and fear until all I felt was hope. I think I'll wait until I get back from Russia, because I really don't have time before then.

I'm a dirty, rotten whore. And you're just jealous because either, a) I won't sleep with you, or b) you don't have men lining up to do you. I went out to dinner with two guy friends last night. One of them, I really, really like. Which is weird because he is not physically attractive in any way, shape or form. Just something about his personality. And I could never picture anything with him long term. So, this is the issue: he has a long-distance girlfriend. And there's Wes. And this other guy is moving out of the state while I'm in Russia. And we both really want each other bad. He's never stated it, but last night his words and actions were so obvious, that even my poor, totally out of it friend, Sean, was rolling his eyes. This other guy offered to help watch over my place while I'm in Russia. I told him I could bring him my key and e-mail him information. But he thought it would make more sense if he came over, ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, so I could show him around. I live in a one-bedroom apartment. What the hell am I supposed to show him? I don't know yet. I guess I'll just figure that out later. Like when I get back from Russia, because I really don't have time before then.

August vacation

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Went swimming again, and that felt good. I'm excited that I'll be able to swim in Russia. That sounds like such a minor thing, but I find that these are the places where you get to know "real" Russians. Besides, I want to see the condition of their pools. Besides the flowers, I also got the books I ordered for my Russian trip. A smaller, not falling apart, dictionary, a phrase book, a grammar book and a tourist guide. I've never bought one of those before (the tourist guide) and I've been to Russia twice, Germany once and Mexico once. So, that's kind of a new experience, to read about everything I've missed by only going to places suggested by my Russian friends. It's a nice one too. Cover price was $25 but I got it for $16 on Amazon.com (gotta love it). I've been getting almost daily e-mails from the program (actr.org) about itinerary, directions, stuff to bring, ect. I'm starting to get really, really excited. I can't wait. I still have more gifts to buy, but other than that, I feel pretty prepared (ok, I still have to pay all the bills before I leave, but other than that).

Talked to Wes last night. He said everyone knew how well the vacation went without asking. He said he can't stop smiling. He also told me he's not going to date anyone, mostly because he has no desire to. I told him I appreciated that, and while I haven't dated in almost 4 years, I just didn't feel like I could make that promise yet. He was cool with that. He also wants to take me on a cruise at the end of August. It sounds nice, but sounds too much like a honeymoon. He's moving to the East coast and I've never really spent any time there, so I'm going to suggest I just come for a visit instead. I do want to spend time with him, I just think a cruise would put too much pressure on me. Besides, I want to get married on a cruise.

Anyway, I have to run around today with a few more errands (picking up enough birth control for 2 months: I plan on skipping my period while I'm there, because who really wants to use Russian tampons? Did you know that tampons is not part of the blog spellcheck?), buy more gifts and I think I'm having dinner tonight with a couple of my friends. I also want to finish the new book I started, but I don't think I'll be able to.

Stacia

The Bluest Eye

This is one of the most depressing books I have ever read. This poor little black girl wants blue eyes because she thinks she's ugly and that blue eyes would make her beautiful to herself and society. I just want to hug her and tell her she is beautiful just the way she is. From this point forward, I promise that no matter what, I will always find at least one physical attribute to compliment on every little girl I ever meet. I hope Toni Morrison realizes what a great job she did of writing this girl's story. I would recommend it to everyone. This book will also make you look around to all the fashion magazines to see how mainstream beauty is portrayed. Not just the skinny girls, but the lack of color. Beauty still isn't colorblind and it should be.

ok, I'm going to read another book, and hopefully not one as depressing,
Stacia

ps. brownine and PJ party this weekend at my place.

Ahhhhhhh!

This morning, at a quarter to 9, I hadn't showered, or brushed my teeth, or hair, hadn't washed my face, wearing nasty clothes, and the doorbell rings. It's fed-ex with a package. I open it and it's a dozen pink tulips (my favorite) with this note. "I know you won't have long to enjoy these but I wanted to say what a wonderful time I had being with you last week. I would wait a lifetime to be with you forever. With love, Wes." What can one say to that? I mean, really?

Water

I went swimming, for the first time in more than two weeks, today. I also got my second Hep B shot today, so my arm was a bit sore. I wanted to do at least 8 laps (1/2 mile), but some jerk, who should have been in the fast lane instead of the slow lane, butt in. Since I swim to reduce stress, I refuse to swim after someone has pissed me off: it defeats the purpose. But I did manage to do 7 laps, and it felt really good. I think I may have pushed my arm too far though. We'll see how it feels tomorrow.

Yesterday I cleaned my entire apartment. It looks really nice. I also read Like Water for Chocolate. The book was really good, but I really didn't like the ending. In the end, Tita has to choose between intense, burning, life-threatening passion, or a stable, loving man who makes her happy but doesn't necessarily set her on fire. Well (spoiler ahead), she chooses passion and in the end of the book, literally burns to death with her lover (that must have been some orgasm). I have felt that type of passion, and it is life-threatening. People make dumb-ass choices and decisions for this type of love. And in the end, all it does is burn you. At this point in my life, I would prefer the stability, the safety and the comfort of a less passionate relationship. Maybe that's why I'm considering Wes. If a computer dating service saw our profiles, it would hook us up. We work well together, laugh together, and feel safe together. I think he feels much more passion for me than I do for him. But I don't want to give the impression that I don't feel any passion or desire for Wes, because that's not true either. I don't know how to explain it. When I was in a passionate relationship I felt like I would die if it ended and I was constantly worried that it would. With Wes, I know I wouldn't die and I know he will always be there for me. If it ended, I would miss him terribly, but I could go on. With the other relationships, the passion was so great that it couldn't have possibly gotten any stronger. With Wes, I expect it to get stronger for years and years. So, I'm not madly, passionately in love with Wes, but I think what I feel is probably better, stronger, and safer than anything that is based on passion. Now, if I didn't think I could fall in love with Wes, I wouldn't even consider a relationship with him. I am perfectly happy alone, and the thought of being alone forever doesn't bother me (especially since I'm not really alone: I have friends and family). I will wait and see what happens.

Camille, sorry it took me this long, but here are your 5 questions:

1. What is your most favorite memory of us together?
2. What do you consider your best physical feature?
3. If you were given $5000 and couldn't spend it on anyone but yourself (and not on bills) what would you do with it?
4. Where's the one place you want to visit with just you and Bart? The whole family? Just you?
5. Do you still want to be an astronaut? If not, what is the non-realistic job you would like?

Alright, I got a ton of stuff done today for my trip, but I need to study my Russian.
Stacia

Big sigh of relief

Well, Wes left today. And the big sigh of relief is NOT because he is gone. I'm actually going to miss him. We ended up having a great week, lot's of long talks and I think we may even have a future. We talked about family, growing up, school, church, religion, personal beliefs, relationships, stability, travel, food, sex, kids, adoption, money, marriage and feelings. Feelings: not a topic I enjoy discussing. Wes has them, strong. At this point, I have them, but they're not that strong. I think we would be very happy if we were together. And I've never really thought that about anyone. I also know I could fall in love with him. So I guess it just comes down to the timing and distance thing. He thinks it's possible. I just don't know yet. I will just sit back and see. Besides, I leave for Russia in 10 days and have a ton of stuff to do before then.

So, the big sigh is because it went well. Better than I thought. At this point, he appears willing to be very patient about everything. We will see what happens.

Did I mention that at the zoo, the cow licked my arm? It was weird. Also, my nephew looks so old in the pictures I just got back. I already miss him too.

Stacia

Farmer's Market Day

I'm so excited it's Saturday!!!!! I love the Farmer's Market. It is my absolutely favorite thing about living in Madison. Today, Wes and I are going to go. And it's sunny out. It will be a good day today.

This week is actually turning out really well. There was that rocky start, but it has smoothed out considerably since then. Wes and I are having a really good time together and we are comfortable with each other. We've done almost everything there is to do around town, and we've gone shopping a couple of times. Yesterday he bought me a new outfit and a digital camera. He said I really needed one for my trip to Russia. We kind of argued about that one for a while. My mama taught me never to accept expensive gifts from men you weren't really in a relationship with, but Wes argued that it was just my Christmas present, for the last 15 years. I was teasing him about being my sugar daddy, but he said that really wasn't the position he wanted. At least permanently. We've had some really good conversations, but I'll write about those later. Camille, I think this is going to be ok. I'll call you next week.

ok, I need to get ready for the Farmer's Market. I've also noticed a lot of people are beautifying their blogs. I don't have time for that now, but maybe when I get back. I'd like to put some links on here.

Everyone have a great Memorial Day weekend, and please take at least a moment to acknowledge and thank those men and women who bravely and dutifully died defending our rights and freedoms. And if you know someone who is still in the service, let them know how much you appreciate them.

Stacia

Vacation saga #2

Wes is here this week. I went and picked him up in my red dress. I looked absolutely fantastic. The reception went well. Wes definitely enjoys people in a way I don't. But it went well. Sunday we went to campus and walked up the shopping district. He bought me a very pretty sundress. We also got icecream, and generally just enjoyed the day. I made him watch Napoleon Dynamite and he now thinks I have a very strange sense of humor (I do). We also watched Sean of the Dead. Hilarious.

Monday, we went to a bookstore and the mall. Then, he decided we should go out and drink. So, I called a few of my friends and we went out. In hindsight, not the best idea. We both got hammered and things went a little bit too far. He didn't even remember what happened the next day (it took a full day for both of us to recuperate). All of a sudden his eyes got real big and he looked at me. And apologized profusely. He also said his punishment was the fact that he didn't really remember what had happened, but just knew something had. I was a little pissed at that point, but he really did make up for it. He told me he hadn't expected that at all. That before he got here he would have been happy with just cuddling and some kissing. And he didn't suggest we do it again, and he hasn't tried. We've also had some really good conversations. And we do get along rather well. Today we're going to go to the zoo, and tonight we're going to see episode 3. Tomorrow, the capital building and the museum. Friday, the biggest brat fest in the world. Saturday, the farmer's market and an organ concert and Sunday he goes home.

So, that's about it for now. I'll update again when he leaves.

Stacia says "moo"

I just got back from my "vacation" and now I need to sleep for a week. Only Wes is coming tomorrow. My vacation was really great, but there were so many people there, and I feel like I spent all my time taking care of my nephew (which was fun) or helping Grandma keep the house clean (which was not fun because I think I was the only one (out of 10) doing this). Phoenix and I went for at least 2 walks a day. I would kill for half of his energy and half of his nap time! He can say many words, but not my name. He did know who I was though, and if you asked him where I was, he would come pat me. He also knows all his animal sounds and Grandma was asking him all of them, and then asked "what sound does Stacia make," hence the title of this blog. He is sooooo cute! My brother looks great too! He finally shaved his head (he had long hair and is definitely going bald). I have a huge headache right now, but I should be cleaning the house.

Wes is coming tomorrow and I guess I already did all the freaking out. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and then picking him up from the airport and then going to the reception. I'm wearing a very sexy red dress. I just tried it on, and it is even sexier than I remembered. I guess we'll find out right away if Wes is a gentleman. If he's not, he can turn around and get back on the plane!

ok, I'm exhausted and I think I'm going to relax a bit before trying to get some sleep (in a bed where my sister isn't sleeping and waking me up because she can't sleep).

And the winner is. . . .

It is finished. My papers are turned in. The finals are graded. Semester grades have been tallied. I am currently getting ready for the lovely (and long) 8 hour drive to my grandparents, thrilled beyond belief that it is raining and cold all the way there. Such perfect driving weather. But it is my vacation, and I am going to enjoy it. I won't be updating for a week though, so don't miss me too much.

So, the absolute winner for the dumbest things written on the final exams:

Tolstoy and Gogol were "realist" because they were able to accurately describe the negative aspects of Soviet society.

closely followed by:

Orthodoxy played a much more important role in Russia than in any other European country.

And no, I'm not going to explain why these are hilarious. If you want to know, you can look it up. That is your assignment for the next week.

Stacia

Questions from you

The deal:1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So here are Beth's questions for me.

1) Is there any person, people, or cause that you would not hesitate to give your life for? What is it and why?

The first person I thought of was Camille. Camille has been my best friend since we were 13 and we've been through some really hard times together. And of course, my family too.

2) Where were you when you first heard about 9-11? In what ways were you affected?

I had just recently moved to Madison and I was in training for my new job. They came in a announced it before anyone really knew what was going on. I called home and found out that both my dad and brother had been sent home from work because they worked in downtown Dallas. I don't know anyone who was killed or injured, but my uncle is a minister in the reserves and he had to formally contact several families of those killed in the Pentagon. I just remember thinking how hard that had to have been.

3) What literary character do you most identify with and why?

That would have to be Dolgoruky in Dostoevsky's The Adolescent. The book is about this young man who thinks he is an adult, mature, intelligent and better than everyone else. The book goes through a period of time when he finds out he's not really an adult, he's not mature, he doesn't know anything and that he isn't better, morally or intellectually, than anyone else. And only once he realizes this can be become an adult. I just really related to the character and the process of "becoming an adult" and confident in who I am.

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt and you could hardly breathe? Who were you with, and what were you laughing about?

It was probably Camille and it was probably Christmas time and it was probably about something stupid. Although, I've laughed pretty hard lately with my friend Sarah. We've been laughing about school (she's another graduate student), students (she also TA's) and sex (we both need it).

5) What is love? What is hate?

To me love is not a romantic feeling. It has nothing to do with flowers or cards, or warm fuzzies. And it really doesn't have anything to do with sex. For me love is what my grandparents have. My grandfather was hit by shrapnel in WWII and is pretty much in constant pain. (The doctors actually only gave him 5 years to live, said he would never walk again and never have kids: boy, they were wrong on all counts). But my grandma takes such good care of him. He is grumpy and can be mean (he's in pain!), but she loves him and takes care of ALL his needs, and they aren't all exactly pleasant. To me, that is love.

Hate, wow, that's a hard one. There's two types for me. The type where you feel so passionately about something that it can turn into hate (think ex-boyfriend type of passion where you're mad at yourself because you can't get him out of your head or heart) and then there's the situation where someone has done something so bad to someone you love that you want to take a baseball bat to their head (think of the man who molested my brother when he was 16).

ok, I have a hair appointment, but this was fun! Made me think about myself in new ways.

Papers, papers, sex

If I spend all this time writing these papers, I think I deserve a good reward afterwards, like sex! So I've thought about the whole situation and talked to my best friend Camille, because she knows me better than anyone and I've decided, I'm just going to see what happens with all the situations and enjoy the ride. I'm still slightly irritated with Wes. Why did he have to bring up the possibility of us having a committed relationship together about 4 years before that's actually a possibility? Did he really expect me to just sit around and wait while he went out and did his thing? So, since we don't have a commitment and we've both made it very clear that we don't have a commitment, I refuse to feel guilty for any of my thoughts or actions with other men. And, Wes is not getting any when he is here next week. I just don't feel comfortable with that.

So, what's the best way to ask an acquaintance if he'd like to get it on?

The next week is going to be very hectic, and then I leave Friday to visit family. Before then, I have to finish writing 2 twenty page papers. At this point, I have 17 crappy pages for one, and 12 pretty good pages for the other. Tomorrow morning, at 7:45am my students take their final exams, and then I have 3 days to grade about 40 finals, while I'm trying to finish my papers. Then I drive 8 hours to visit family. I come back on the 20th, Wes flies in on the 21st and leaves on the 29th and I leave for Russia on June 7th. Ok, the next month is going to be hectic. Please send lot's of energy vibes my way!

Am I evil?

Ok, so the last post was about the beautiful flowers Wes sent me and how sweet and great that was. This post is about this guy I know here in Madison I want to nail. Does that make me evil? I actually wrote about him back in March, but the situation seemed hopeless at the time. Things have changed. Although, it wouldn't be a relationship, at least not the type Wes wants with me. This other guy is a colleague, but due to situations is leaving at the end of the summer. There's definately an attraction there but it would be a totally casual thing. I'm not going to have sex with Wes, because it's a long distance thing, and I know he's still having sex with other people. It would be too difficult for me to be in an open "committed relationship." So, what do I do? This other guy knows about Wes. Wes doesn't know about anything. Like I told a friend last night, "If Wes can't keep his dick in his pants, why should I keep other people's dicks out of mine?"

A little help here!

Roses

Today, when I came home from school, there were a dozen yellow roses waiting for me with a card. "Thought you might like something pretty (other than you) around the house while you study. See you soon, Wes." They are so beautiful. Now, I'm not a highly romantic person, and I'm not the type of girl who expects flowers, and Wes knows that. So I guess that makes them even more special, because, not only is it not my birthday or Valentines day, but I would have been perfectly happy with Wes even if he hadn't sent flowers. Now I really can't wait to see him!

It's not a dream

Wes called at 11:00p last night, apologizing because he knows I'm in bed asleep, but he needs to confirm his flight times with me before he buys. So after I confirm, he buys the plane tickets while we're on the phone. And he e-mails me the itinerary. HE'S REALLY COMING! I'm so excited and nervous and scared and excited and, and, and. And so is he! He's very nervous and scared and excited too. Which I think is a good thing, because I know he doesn't think he's just showing up to get some (which he isn't getting anyway). He didn't want to tell me how he felt about the situation because he was afraid it would freak me out and change the way I acted towards him, but he said we would talk about it while he is here. You know, feelings. But beyond the serious stuff, we are going to have so much fun. This gives me some incentive to keep the house clean and get my papers written.

Yesterday started out pretty good. I found five dollars at the gym. And as a poor student I felt bad, but how are you going to figure out which poor student lost five dollars? So I'm five dollars richer.

But then, last night, I got hit with one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I got those little spangly things in front of my eyes, so I took Tylenol immediately, and that usually heads off the worst of it. Not last night. Last night, I couldn't even see anything for more than 2 hours. During and for many hours after that, intense pain. Which means, I didn't get any homework done, because how are you going to read and write in that condition? Which sucks. So, I will be busy, busy, busy until next Thursday, when I would like to be done. I guess I should go get started.

What I'm missing

I just got off the phone with my mom. I guess they celebrated Mom's day yesterday since someone is going to be out of town for the next 3 weeks. So there were my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, my grandmere, my aunt and uncle and of course, my brother and nephew. Everyone was playing with Phoenix, because he is cute. When my mom went to put him to bed, he had his little stuffed bunny with him. She said he was a little wound up, because everyone had been playing with him, and he was just talking away to his bunny (ok, he is not even 2 yet, so while he can say certain words, he isn't exactly coherent). When he was through "telling" the bunny about his day, mom said he gave a big sigh, hugged the bunny, rolled over and went immediately to sleep. She said it was so cute. And I'm missing it. I get to see them in 2 weeks. For a whole 5 days. That's it, five days to hold me over until Christmas. And then it probably won't be until summer again. And then Christmas. This sucks. Of course, when he's three, maybe it'll be a good thing I won't see him that much. I just hate being so far away from my family sometimes. Other times, it's the greatest thing in the world!

I got so much done yesterday. A ton of homework. And I cleaned the house. It was a great day. But I didn't manage to hold until the momentum today. oh well, you have to take a break sometimes. I'm getting the important but small stuff off my to do list today. One of which, is taking my vaccination pills for typhoid. Now, this is a live vaccination and some of the side effects are quite unpleasant (along the lines of what typhoid does). So far, so good. Let's hope it stays that way.

ok, I guess I should get some homework done. This was a great weekend. Hope I feel that way about the rest of the week. Only two more weeks in the semester. That's very scary. Gotta get started/finished with those papers.

Federal money

Let's hear it for the Feds!!!!! Even with all these tax cuts, they still have enough money to give me $6500 for a Russian language program this summer, and now, they're offering to pay for my flight too (up to $1000). Now, I'm sure this will piss some people off, I mean really, why should the government care if anyone in the USA knows anything at all about any other language, culture, country, government, religion, ect. than "our" own. (Just for those of you who don't know me, that was a highly sarcastic remark) Of course, I'm sure that somewhere in the fine print it states that I have to listen to a recruitment lecture for the State department, CIA and FBI. But I think it would be worth it. My dad actually wants me to work for the government, but he doesn't want me to do field word (or kill anybody), and if I can't kill anybody, I don't think working for the government would be worth it! (That actually isn't a sarcastic remark: if I'm going to sell my soul, I want to be able to get away with murder).

So, today, I'm actually in a good mood, even though I'm tired, my apartment is a disaster area (I'm hoping the mayor will officially declare it so I can get some more fed money to clean it up), I have two papers to write this weekend, and laundry to do. But in two weeks, it will all be over. At least for this semester.

Some students are morons!

Now, not all of them, mind you. Just the one who copied full paragraphs from the internet for his paper and didn't footnote. And worse yet, left in the footnote numbers in the paragraph, which led to . . . nothing, because he didn't footnote. And he wants to know how we caught that? Yeah, after 10 years of college I'm not intelligent enough to figure that one out. I may be 31, but I know how to google. I tried doing a drag net and told the entire class that more than one person had cheated and they should contact the professor asap to avoid expulsion, but no one else bit. Oh well, I guess one is good enough.

My paper update: I e-mailed everyone 11 pages of paper and 2 pages of bibliography for my presentation on Thurs. It's a 15-20 page paper, so technically, I'm already done with half of it. That actually makes me feel really, really good. For the other paper, I'll be through reading for that this weekend, and then have 2 weeks to write that 20 page paper. I actually feel like everything is under control. For once. We'll see how long that lasts.

I finally managed to get my HIV test done yesterday. I'm picking up my results tomorrow and then fed-exing everything to DC. They have to have it by the 2nd. I still haven't found anyone to sublet my place yet. Any takers?

have a great day, and if you're in the upper midwest like I am, stay warm!

Yuck, yuck, yuck!!!!!!

I dreamt about my ex-husband last night. Which is weird, because I normally only dream about him when I'm in a relationship that I shouldn't be. The situation is almost always the same: we're back together, even though I don't really want to be, and then I realize I just can't do it and I leave. This dream was very different. First, he was wearing a hideous black toupee (yes, my ex was bald). Then, in the dream, he wanted to be with me, but failed to mention the fact to his mom and his girlfriend. So, at least in this dream, I didn't feeling guilty about ending the relationship. Is it a warning against Wes? What does it mean?

I finally finished grading those crappy papers. I ended up with such a bad allergy headache last night that it kind of went like this: this is a B paper but I really don't have the energy to explain why to the student: AB. So, it kind of worked out for the students. I still only have 7 unorganized pages for my presentation this week. I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight. Also, I have got to clean my apartment. It's disgusting and I'm sure it's adding to my allergies. Therefore, I will clean a room everyday this week until I don't feel dirty being here.

hope everyone has a great week,
Stacia

Take them away!

My allergies are killing me. I can't breathe and my head feels like it weighs 20lbs, and it hurts. It makes it very hard to focus my eyes, and thus, to read. That would be fine, except it's the end of the semester and I have to write two papers and grade 40 papers. (ok, I already graded 30 of them). Still, all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep until I feel better.

And I want banana pudding. If you take a regular yellow cake mix, and replace one of the eggs with a banana, and increase the water by 1/4 c. It tastes so good. Crumble half the cake on the bottom of the cake pan. Cover with cut up bananas, and then spread banana pudding over that (2 boxes worth), then crumble the rest of the cake over the pudding. . . . I'm now drooling like Homer Simpson. I'm going to have to go to the store.

I figured out what I want with Wes. Ok, maybe not Wes specifically, but what I want in a relationship. I want intimacy. Now don't laugh. Yes, I'm 31 years old, but closeness was never something I wanted with a guy before. I guess it was that whole, I'm self-sufficient and I don't really need anyone type of thing. And I'm still self-sufficient, I've just realized you can be self-sufficient and still be intimate with someone. Who knew? So with Wes. I want hand-holding and cuddling and maybe some kissing, but no sex. I want to actually enjoy all the in between stages, and get to know him and let us happen slowly. I don't know exactly what he wants. I'm just going to wait and see. He is a gentleman though, so I do know he's not coming to visit me because he expects us to have sex. Which is good, because then he would be sleeping outside!

anyway, I'm going to go take some allergy medicine, go to the store, and then work on my papers. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Stacia

Modern something or other

Blah. . . . It's just been one of those weeks. Frustrating, long, short, confusing. You name it, I think I felt it this week. Except a huge amount of rage. I don't have enough energy for that.

Three more weeks of school. Two papers to write. And 30 more papers to grade this weekend. They're short papers, but boy are they bad. Now I know why an essay section was added to the SAT. Should you really have to tell college students that the United States is always capitalized? Should you have to tell them that thesis sentences are an essential part of the paper? Should you have to tell them that if it's a 4 page paper, they should only write about 1 point, not 4? Should you have to tell them that a book report is not an analytical essay? Should you have to tell them that lead (pronounced led) is a noun, not a verb? What fun and joy.

and then I have two papers I need to write. I have to present a very rough draft/outline of my one paper next week, so that's what I've been working on this weekend. The total paper needs to be between 15 and 25 pages. I typed up 3 pages yesterday and hope for another 3 today. Hopefully by Tuesday, when I have to e-mail it to everyone, I'll have 10 pretty good pages. Then I'll have 2 weeks to finish the paper, which includes translating about 600 pages of Russian history, written in the Russian language. Who wants to join me?

And finally, Wes. I'm excited and nervous and can't wait to see him and don't want to see him. I'm afraid that this is a turning point and that some hard decisions will have to be made. And I'm just not good at relationship decisions, especially hard ones. I'm just going to try to focus on how much fun it will be to see an old friend and hang out with him and show him this beautiful town. I'll let everything else happen naturally.

back to the papers,
Stacia

Voodoo doll

That's what I feel like. I went to get my HIV test and immunization shots done today. Unfortunately, they had me scheduled for two TB tests and not one TB test and a HIV test (who didn't catch that?). So, I got the TB test (shot one), a Tetanus vaccination (shot two), a hepatitis A vaccination (shot three) and a hepatitis B vaccination (shot four) and then because my immunization records weren't up to date, they weren't sure if I needed a measles shot. Instead of just giving it to me, they took two vials of blood to test it. A total of five stabs with a needle and no beautiful jewelry to make up for it! And I still have to get my HIV test. It was a stressful way to start the day.

However, because I was a little upset about the HIV thing (if I don't get the results to DC before May 2nd it may delay my trip), I e-mailed Wes and he called me as soon as he got off from work to cheer me up. And he's coming to see me. I'm excited and nervous and excited and scared and terrified. This visit will tell us if we are right together or if we should stay just friends. That makes me nervous. If it's a good visit, it will make it that much harder because it is a long distance thing and will be for a long time. If it sucks (which I don't think it will), then at least I know we'll still be friends.

It was a beautiful day today. I took a little break and walked around campus taking pictures of all the beautiful flowers. I also got a few pictures of ducks, because apparently, my nephew loves ducks. I hope the pictures hold me over until the end of the semester. I have to write two papers (15-20 pages each) and grade about 40 papers (4 pages each). I should start freaking out at any time, but maybe I'll just have another beer.

ok, I'm going to relax tonight and curl up on the couch and have a beer and eat cookies.
Stacia

Sunday stroll

It is a beautiful day. The type of day that is wasted indoors, working on homework. However, I don't really have a choice, so instead of goofing off the whole day, or wasting the whole day indoors, I took a walk. It is spring here in Madison and everything is sprouting green and colorful flowers and the birds are back in full force. The kind of day you wish you had a hand to hold and laugh with, but even if you don't, it's so beautiful that you're just happy to be here. And now, I suppose, back to the homework.

I've been trying to get all my stuff ready for my trip to Russia. It's a little frustrating. I have to have black and white, matte passport photos. Nobody does these. Even if I could get black and white, no photographer does matte. So I'm waiting for a reply from the program to see if my friend can take a picture of me with his digital camera and crop it in photoshop. I don't know why not, but hey, those Russians can be weird. Then I have to figure out this funding thing. And just getting applications in where they need to be when they need to be there. I'm getting my vaccinations on Tuesday, along with my AIDS/HIV test (yes, Russia requires that). Since I haven't had sex for a year and a half and have had a HIV test since then, I'm not too worried about that. It's just the vaccinations. I'm not afraid of needles (15 total piercings), but I'm afraid of the hepatitis B vaccination (no, I've never gotten it). It's a really big needle and its a series of three. Who thought of that?

Well, Wes is coming to see me in May. I'm excited and terrified. Much of the same emotions I had about spending the summer in Russia. He'll be here almost a week. I know we'll find plenty of stuff to do (and I don't mean that!). I'm just kind of scared to see where this leads the "relationship." Although, it could be very good for me.

alright, back to that pesky homework,
too bad I can't translate Russian stuff on the back porch,
I guess that's why I'm going to Russia this summer,
Stacia

Happiness is a house sparrow

I love birds. And I have three giant bushes outside my livingroom window. Right now there's a house sparrow that comes and sings to me every morning. They aren't really all that pretty, as far as birds go, but they sure sing pretty. And loud. I always get excited when I hear him, and I tend to leave my homework just to watch this small, non-descript bird sing. It makes me happy. Last year, a cardinal nested in the bushes and laid two eggs. She would let me get really close, as long as I didn't try to touch. I went on vacation before the eggs hatched, and when I came back, they were gone. All of them, the eggs and bird. And the nest had been damaged. That really upset me. But I hope they come back this year, fix the next and try again. Of course, I won't be here for most of the summer, but still, it would be nice. For the birds. The crows look different in Russia. They have light colored chests. I don't recall seeing any other birds, except pigeons: those things are everywhere. I'll have to look this summer to see what the other Russian birds look like.

I got my funding. And I'm hoping I can actually stay with my friend in Moscow. I'm getting very excited about this trip, which makes it very hard to concentrate on the two papers I have to write this semester. The ones I should be working on now. I'll get to them sometime. Probably this weekend.

I saw my advisor today and gave her a very brief outline of my dissertation proposal and what I wanted to study/prove. She thought it was great! That made me very happy. And it's an area that hasn't really been studied much. That makes it good (original) but also more difficult to study, because I literally have to start from scratch. She wants me to try to make it to the library in Moscow a couple times a week to do some preliminary research. And maybe even swing by a couple of state archives and introduce myself to the archivists and stuff. All that crap helps when I apply for research funding, which I will start to do the second I get back from Moscow. But now I have to take my 1 page outline and figure out how to expand it to a 15 page proposal. That's a lot of fluff.

Well, I suppose I should work on my papers a bit before bed.
Stacia

Peter Pan, Neverland, and Charlie

I just saw Finding Neverland. It was incredible. And it had Johnny Depp, so really, even if it wasn't good (and let me reiterate, it was a great movie) who would complain. So, since the movie was about Peter Pan, it made me think of someone who tried his best not to grow up.

Charlie: probably the most emotional, passionate, incredible and ultimately disappointing, love of my life. Amazing how things look the older one gets. I haven't dated in 5 years because I've had such a hard time getting over him. And what does it take to get over him: time, him, popping up every now and then, and proving he hasn't changed, and, his former best friend. Real life is the best revenge. So, in highschool, I was massively in love with this guy, Wes. All the girls were. But we never dated, we were just really good friends. And then he enlisted. So, I spent as much time as possible with him. At the beginning, I kind of hoped we'd hook up. Then I met his best friend Charlie, and totally forgot about Wes. Charlie and I dated for a while, and he was always insecure about Wes. We eventually broke up and lost track of one another. But not Wes and I. We remained friends.

Fast forward a few years. I'm recently divorced and I look Charlie up. I have good reason. Wes is coming for a visit and we need a place for the party. Charlie and I hook up immediately. Beyond chemistry. And he's still insecure about Wes, even though Wes is now married with two kids. After about a year, things fall apart with Charlie. Apparently he is upset because I didn't give him a huge shout out at my MA graduation, and that really hurt his feelings. So he dumped me. Wes and I are still friends, but now Charlie refuses to talk to Wes because Wes reminds him of me. Oh, Charlie keeps trying to get me back, but after he dumped me, I realized I could do so much better.

Fast forward a few more years. Wes is now single, and he has decided we should be together. But, as I've mentioned before, he's a player and that concerns me. And since he was Charlie's best friend, I was concerned about their similarities. But every time I talk to Wes, he reminds me that he's not Peter Pan and he never wanted to be Peter Pan. And after I talk to him, I get that goofy grin on my face, and it stays there for hours. Last night, he kept telling me how he can't wait to call me Doctor Trapeznikova, and how impressed he is that I'm getting my PhD. When I was with Charlie, he kept talking about me being Doctor Jordan (his last name), because it made him look so good. I told Wes this, and he wanted to know what Charlie ever did to help me earn my degrees. Honestly, he sat on the couch, made love to Mary Jane, and wanted to know when dinner was going to be ready. Oh, and could he borrow some money to pay the bills. So, Charlie, put this in your pipe and smoke it: your worst fears are coming true. Wes appreciates me, and he realizes how hard I'VE worked to get where I am and how much harder I'M going to work to get even further. And he doesn't just say he's supportive, he really is. And he doesn't have to take credit for my achievements because he has his own.

I never, in a million years expected it to be Wes. After highschool, even when we were friends all those years, it never dawned on me that it might be him. And it will be at least 3 years before we will even be able to try to live in the same place and maybe have a real relationship, but that doesn't really worry me. I know Wes will be there: he's always been there. I just didn't realize it. It doesn't scare me to feel this way anymore. It feels real.

Stacia

ochen kracivyi den'

Most beautiful day. Yesterday, the weather was beyond beautiful. It was sunny and warm, a little windy, but gorgeous. I sat on a warm bench and ate a green apple and just people watched. For almost five minutes. It was amazing! No homework, no reading, no thinking: just the sun.

Then, I came home and had a huge envelope in my mailbox. I'm going to Russia this summer! Ok, I still haven't found out if I got funding, but I'm pretty sure I did. I'm so excited and scared and excited! I had a hard time sleeping last night. All I can think of is going over there, seeing my friends, making new friends, seeing new places, having new experiences, doing new things, trying new food, learning new things, traveling in trains and the metro (love them both), shopping, eating, laughing. It's going to be wonderful. I can't wait!

So, does anyone want to summer in Madison, in a nice, furnished one bedroom apartment?

Stacia

Baseball bat to the head

I had a great aunt who was in a very sever car wreck. It was during a blizzard and the paramedic were on the scene for two hours before they even realized she was in the backseat. The two people in the front seat died. But my aunt lived. She had extensive brain damage. Due to the fact that they lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere, she didn't really get the treatment she should have. She was placed in a nursing home in the nearest town (the town they lived in was too small to have a nursing home), and my uncle visited her everyday for 8 years, until she died of pneumonia. Some days she recognized people and had clear, coherent conversations with them, asking them questions and responding to theirs. Other days, she was in a vegetative state. (Leads all of us to believe if they'd moved her to a much larger area with better treatment she would have largely recovered: she was not hooked up to anything). The day my grandma and I visited, she was vegetative. When we left, my grandma asked me to promise her that if she ended up in a vegetative state I would take a baseball bat to her head and put her out of her misery.

I love my grandma more than my own life. I don't care that she's 76 years old (she's had several relatives live to be older than 100 and they were completely physically and mentally healthy), if I had to, I would give my life so that she could live. If I had to choose between my mom and my grandma, I don't even know if I could do that. But, what I'm trying to say, is that I could never hit my grandma in the head with a baseball bat. My grandma's mom died of Alzheimer's and she's said repeatedly that she wouldn't want to live like that. My grandma won't get Alzheimer's: for some reason in our family it skips every other generation: which means my mom might get it. But, if my grandma ever ended up vegetative, hooked up to stuff somewhere, would the rest of the family listen to me? Steve would have to know her opinion: he lives in the same town and sees them all the time. Janice visits a lot, so I'm sure she's heard it too. I told my mom what grandma said. But when it's your loved one. . . . I had a friend whose dad died of cancer. She said that the last couple of months, the family fought over treatment and what would happen. They decided to give him medication to make him live longer, even though he was in pain, largely unconscious, and going to die anyway. She said looking back on it, she wishes they had just let him go.

If I end up brain dead I don't want to be hooked up to some machine to keep me alive. Disclose to the doctors that I once had ITP and let them decide if I can still be an organ donor and then let me go. I'm a Christian and I believe I will end up in a better place, so why hold me here. No matter what, I've had a good life and in the grand scheme of things, these couple of years on earth don't mean much anyway. Pull the plug, and then read to me: read me Psalms 100, 150 and 24. Read me John 14 (the verses mom want me to read at her funeral). Read me Daniel 3. And sing Christmas carols. And tell stories. Tell the story about how I embarrassed you in AZ and called myself a bozo head. Tell the story of teaching me to ride bike, when I ran into you. Tell the story about when Craig was sleepwalking and screaming: Stacia, quit hitting me! Elise, remind me of all the museums we've been to. And laugh. Lot's of laughter. It's a celebration of what was once real and alive: not a mourning of what has occurred. And remember, you'll see me again. Wrap me in the quilt grandma made for my birth, put me in a simple pine box, and bury in Lake Benton, next to grandma and grandpa. And let me rest in peace.

Stacia