Last night I checked out Camille's blog and she had a link to another blog, which I also checked out. Since I have no idea how computer's work (there's a hamster on a wheel in there, right?), I don't know how to add the link, but you can click on her link on my page and go about it the long way (yes, I know several of my links don't work and I don't know why). Anyway, this page is about secrets. It made me cry and it made me want to hug every single person I meet from here on out and tell them that someone loves them. Only, I don't have enough energy to love everyone. Sometimes, I don't have enough energy to love myself. But it made me think about my secrets. Only I don't really have any. Everyone knows that during the last months of my marriage I prayed my (ex)husband would die. But, sometimes we keep secrets from ourselves too. So, I guess this is my secret. I'm afraid to be loved by a man. I'm afraid I'm not worth it and that any man who thinks he loves me will someday realize the truth about who I am and leave me. And I know this is a large part of my problem with Wes. Because if I let him love me, and then he leaves, not only would I lose a great man, I would lose a really good long-term friend. And if I do let him love me, I would cry and cry and cry and cry. Probably for hours. Snotty nose crying. Hyperventilating crying. Just letting out all the pain, shame, and fear until all I felt was hope. I think I'll wait until I get back from Russia, because I really don't have time before then.
I'm a dirty, rotten whore. And you're just jealous because either, a) I won't sleep with you, or b) you don't have men lining up to do you. I went out to dinner with two guy friends last night. One of them, I really, really like. Which is weird because he is not physically attractive in any way, shape or form. Just something about his personality. And I could never picture anything with him long term. So, this is the issue: he has a long-distance girlfriend. And there's Wes. And this other guy is moving out of the state while I'm in Russia. And we both really want each other bad. He's never stated it, but last night his words and actions were so obvious, that even my poor, totally out of it friend, Sean, was rolling his eyes. This other guy offered to help watch over my place while I'm in Russia. I told him I could bring him my key and e-mail him information. But he thought it would make more sense if he came over, ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, so I could show him around. I live in a one-bedroom apartment. What the hell am I supposed to show him? I don't know yet. I guess I'll just figure that out later. Like when I get back from Russia, because I really don't have time before then.