Beyond stress

Sunday I e-mailed several places in VI to visit for the wedding site/reception. One of the places I wasn't all that excited about, because since I live out of state, and Wes is a guy who eats Navy food every day, there isn't a lot of opportunity to get a good caterer, and this place didn't provide food, just the room. And, they were morons in their e-mail. I had previously told them I lived out of state and then when I e-mailed them this weekend, I let them know I had contacted them previously and lived out of state. Their response, we don't do appointments on the weekends, how about Thursday. I sent a rude e-mail back. So that narrowed our reception/wedding site down to one. And the place sounds really good, and provided a ton of stuff. And I really liked it: until I got down to the part where in addition to the per person meal charge, decorating charge, set up charge, fuel surcharge, cake charge, administrative fee per person and all of this plus tax and 20% service charge, there is also a $2,000 room rental charge. That put us $2,000 over budget. If my family lived in VI and I lived in VI and my friends lived in VI, I would just rent the Legion and find a cheap caterer, because our families don't really care. But, since I don't live there, and Wes doesn't have the time, I actually suggested to Wes we cancel the wedding. I was a mess yesterday. I told him that with my pre-lims, I just don't have the time or energy to worry about planning a wedding. He asked what was the worst thing that could happen if I failed the pre-lims. They could kick me out of the program. That would be it. My academic career would be over. I would probably never be a professor. I guess he didn't realized that, because when I told him, he said he would be stressed out too. So, we are going to the above mentioned place because maybe in person we could work something out, and we can spend the extra $2,000 (even though I don't really want to). But he doesn't want me to worry about any of this until my pre-lims are over. So now, I'm just going to worry about that.

I have a paper due from 2 1/2 years ago that I have got to finish this weekend. It's keeping me from working on pre-lim stuff. Once that is finished, I will feel much better. I have one other incomplete I need to finish, but the professor keeps changing her mind on what she wants me to do. I have to finish the Russian language requirement. That also really worries me. Then, the readings for the pre-lims. I'm going to out-line the previously asked questions, mostly because professors always ask variations of the same question. And I have to write a syllabus. After pre-lims, I have to write a dissertation proposal and defend it. Then I have to go to Russia for a month for research. Then I have to write grant proposals, most of those due in October. I'm moving to VI and getting married, but that will happen in between the Russian trip and the grant proposals.

I also talked to Wes about the stupid Charley dreams. He suggested that maybe I contact him and talk to him, but I don't want to. I'm just going to hope that as time and my new life go on, that he will fade into memory. I don't know why I feel any sort of obligation to him: he obviously didn't feel any towards me. But, I'm going to try not to think about it, and focus on my pre-lims. So now, I'm going to go work on that paper.