Men and other annoying pets

Let me start by saying men are morons. Not only are they morons, but they seem to believe they can treat women however crappy or rudely they want, and if you're 30 and single, you'll still want them. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I can remain single the rest of my life and it won't kill me. I'll not settle just because I don't want to be alone. I did that before and feeling alone when you're with someone is much worse than feeling alone when you are alone. That being said, I wouldn't mind having a man. Sometimes, when I get depressed (yes, I will eventually see a therapist), I feel like I'm a emotional leech on my friends and family. Since most of them have men and children, I don't really think this is fair to them. Yes, that's what friends are for, but still, it's not the same as having your own man hold you and tell you that this to will pass. But it needs to be someone who understands the nature of the beast. To do lists will not make the depression go away, talking about my past will not make the depression go away, yelling at me will not make the depression go away, fixing me another drink will not make the depression go away. Just hold me and let me cry and then take me for a walk. Let me be silent; I'm tired of talking about it. Do the little things: buy me a magazine you saw that you thought I'd like, e-mail me just to say you miss me, cook me dinner. It's the little things that give me hope and remind me that it's worth living. I believe that having given up hope in finding a man who can understand me is what's actually caused this latest round of the blues. Hope is hard to hold on to. At least I have my plants.
Stacia

It's good to be home

Well, that's pretty much all I need to say.  My bed, my bathroom, my kitchen, my couch, my music, my car, my friends and even my job.  Thank god I'm back.

Stacia

Phrase of the trip. . .

Just got back from Mexico.  A great trip.  Usually on trips like these I manage to look like a lobster within 24 hours.  This one, I did get sunburned, but not enough to kill me and mostly I just tanned.  My family went to Mexico with another family from my parent's church.  Craig and Corinne got offered weed a lot, but JJ also got a very interesting offer.   It went like this, "There's snakes in the water.  Want some weed?"  Is the weed going to keep the snakes away?  Are there snakes because of the weed?  Who knows.  But, there actually were snakes in the water.  Thank God we saw them last night, otherwise Elise would never have got back into the water.

We got there Friday morning and went swimming all day.  Did a little body surfing, but was afraid I was going to lose my top.  Although, there were a few people there topless but I didn't want to be one of them.  Saturday we went into town to do some shopping.  On the way back there were too many of us in the cab, so I had to lie across everyone's lap so it looked like there were only 3 people in the back seat.  This was a 50 minute ride with no air-conditioning.  I almost got sick.  Sunday Craig, Corinne and I went snorkeling.  We saw starfish and many other beautiful, colorful things.  They saw an eel, but I didn't.  Craig also got stung by a jellyfish but he survived even though no one peeed on him.  On the way back into the bay, we saw a dolphin and it was jumping quite a bit.  It was very cool, but I still feel like I'm on a boat.  We had to leave for the airport at 7:00 this morning, so we had to get up early.  There was some stupid car in the parking lot whose car alarm went off for probably more than 4 hours last night (at least until 2:00a).  Elise was all freaking out and kept waking me up.  I finally told her I was going to do pillow therapy on her if she didn't leave me alone.  I guess that worked.  All in all it was a great trip.  The water was warm, the beaches were sandy and I got a great tan.  But I can't wait to get home tomorrow.  There's no place like home.
Stacia  "There's snakes in the water.  Want some weed?" 

Aquarium

The aquarium was really cool.  Phoenix really liked the otters and penguins and made friends with one of the birds.  I liked the aquarium, but it was a tad bit smaller than I expected.  We had a good time though.  I got to feed Phoenix lunch and then babysat him the rest of the day.  Babies sure wear you out.  Phoenix is starting to crawl, but he looks like an inchworm and is going to get carpet burns on his face if he doesn't figure out how to raise up his legs and arms at the same time.  Then we took a nap together.  Then we went swimming.  Phoenix loves to swim and to splash.  Both my brother and Corinne swam on swim teams, so water is this babies favorite medium.  Then we played some more.  Then I fed him some gross looking baby food.  Then a walk.  Then the rest of us had dinner.  Then we tried to get him to crawl for dad, but he wasn't interested.  But he sure is talking a lot, even if we have no idea what he is saying.  I think he's finally going down for the night.  I'm not far behind him!

We weren't supposed to babysit all day, but Corinne kind of disappeared.  She said she would be back in a few hours, but no one could find her, including my brother.  I have a feeling that after this Mexico trip things are going to go down between the two of them.  When Craig first told me she was pregnant, I offered to let them or just him and the baby, come live with me in Wisconsin.  I think I'm going to make that offer again.  I doubt my brother will take me up, but I do want him to know he has options.

anyway, tomorrow I am going to do more homework and get ready for Mexico.  I haven't been sleeping well since I got here and have had weird dreams/nightmares every night.  Hopefully tonight will be different.
Stacia

Museums

Yesterday my sister and I went to the Dallas Museum of Art and the Nasher Sculpture Center.  The DMA had a Dali and a Bearden exhibit.  The Dali stuff was very cool.  Half of it was commissioned by someone in Italy and it was Dali's expression of Dante's Divine Comedy.  It was beautiful, but not what you think of when you think Dali.  Bearden was a 20th century artist from the South and African-American.  He was one of the first African-American artist known as an American artist who happened to be African-American.  This might not seem like a big deal, but it really is if you think about it.  This exhibit is a Smithsonian exhibit and their magazine had a great article about it a few months ago.  Very colorful and very expressive.  After the DMA we walked to the West End (6 or 7 blocks in 90 degree weather) and had lunch.  Then to the Nasher Sculpture Center.  Nasher was a private collector and every museum was trying to acquire his collection before he died.  Instead of selling it, he decided to build his own center.  It was very well presented and has a beautiful walking garden with sculptures outside.  The reason we went is because we are both Matisse fans and the Nasher collection has about 12 of his pieces.  He also owns about 15 Picasso's.  Absolutely wonderful.  It was a wonderful day and my sister and I had a great time.  We also didn't fight (of course, we didn't talk much either!).  It's nice that she enjoys doing these type of things with me.  We also found a really cute children's book at the Nasher center called When Pigasso met Mootisse.  When Phoenix gets older, maybe I'll get it for him.  Well today we, meaning my mom, sister, sister's boyfriend, Corinne and my nephew Phoenix, are all off to the Dallas World Aquarium.  I'll let you know how that is tomorrow.

Stacia

Cards

Texas hasn't been so bad.  It's been really hot, but other than that.  I've been swimming, although not much of a tan yet.  We played cards last night and I won.  Today I'm trying to teach my sister to cook.  That should be big fun.  I'm going to see my best friend today if morning sickness doesn't get to her first.  Hopefully I'll make it to the DMA and a few other museums this week.  And as usual, I need to work on my paper.  Tomorrow the family is coming over, so I will get to see Phoenix and my brother.  I need to ask him when I can get pierced again.  I guess that's it for now.
 
Stacia

Texas

Well, I'm here for the non-wedding.  And I'm not all that happy about it.  I have a ton of work to do on my paper which would be much easier to do if I were closer to my library (yes, I now own memorial library).  But the weather is nice and so is my parent's pool, so I can't complain too much.  I did forget my passport, so a friend will be mailing that to me so I can go to Mexico.  Hopefully this will be a relaxing vacation and I'll be able to get everything together that I need to.  It will be nice to see the baby again.  And my dad remembered to pick me up from the airport (they are never on time picking me up).
 
that's about it for now,
Stacia

911

The meeting with my advisor went very well, I was very pleased. She still expects me to be her TA this fall which means she thinks I'm good enough to finish my paper. I now have a topic and I just have to pull it together. Considering how much stuff I pull out of my ass for school, you'd think it would be bigger.

Meanwhile, I finished Margaret Atwood's The Blind Assassin. It was a good book, but I don't think it has quite the depth of her earlier works, such as Cat's Eye or Surfacing. It was still good though. As I finished this book and began doing more research for my paper, I heard something outside and stepped out to look. Oh goody, there's a man lying on the ground and some people are kicking him in the head. How pleasant. So I called 911. Thankfully others had called as well (those who knew both parties) so although I had to make a statement, I didn't have to identify anyone and they won't need me for anything else. So hopefully, that's the end of that.

Stacia

Advising

I have a meeting with my advisor today concerning the paper I've been working on (I'd say writing, but I haven't actually begun writing it yet). My advisor and I have not seen eye to eye on several other things concerning my academic career and I'm a bit worried that she will reject my paper idea again (even though she was the one who first suggested it, again). If this happens, again, I really don't know what I would do. If my advisor is determined that I never finish, then why bother wasting any more time and student loans on my education? I have nothing holding me here and I'm not moving back to Dallas. I would probably try to get a job in Moscow for a couple of years. That would certainly help my proficiency with Russian and I could travel quite a bit in the former USSR lands. And I could adopt a couple of kids too. Sounds like a great situation to me. Anyway, I need to go prepare for my meeting. Sometimes she reduces me to a blubbering mass of stuff.

On another note, I'm going to make a doctor's appointment to see if I can get a prescription of Zoloft. I thought I was keeping on top of everything, but evidently the dark dog has returned.
Stacia

Timeline

I did not mean to indicate that I provoke huge, life-threatening fights at the beginning of new relationships. That comes later. After I have explained my past in as sparse language as possible. Not that I expect men to pick up instinctively what is going on. Men don't want details, they don't ask questions. They just start looking at me as some wounded thing that needs to be healed and treated as less than whole. My marriage did not damage my intellect, just my emotions. So I need to be willing to more openly discuss what happened to me (my therapists told me I have post-traumatic stress syndrome) so that I can get some legitimate understanding. Maybe Charley was right: I need to talk about my emotions more. They just seem so dangerous and uncontrollable. They aren't logical. They make me so angry. I mean, if they're mine, shouldn't I be able to control them? Perhaps I am better off alone. To expose all of this would just hurt too much and make me feel raw. Like living through it all over again. And I don't ever want to do that.

Epiphany

Since it's summer and it seems that everyone is thinking about relationships, I've been doing some thinking myself. I thought that I needed one of those guys whose willing to push back and "put me in my place". Due to my past, I push men hard to find their breaking point (ok, I want to make sure they're not going to hit me). Most men don't take this very well and take it as a personal affront. Some think I don't trust them (I don't). So I thought I needed the guy willing to stand up for himself. What I really need is a man who understands why I'm pushing and kindly and gently point out that I am displacing my fear and anger. Otherwise it seems I'm always fighting two different fights, and the men don't realize it. I guess I need someone secure in who they are. Are there any of those? I don't need someone to tell me how they feel about me, I need someone to show me how they feel. Although I love words, many times I feel they have become meaningless. Actions though, they speak much louder (when my ex-husband was screaming "why don't you understand how much I love you?" while slamming my head into the wall, well, guess whether I believed his words or actions). There is a softer side to me, it's just buried really deep. Feel free to look for it.

Stacia

Restless

I'm am so bored, but I don't know what I want to be doing. I should be working on my paper, but every now and then my brain likes to do other things. It's just not sure what. When you spend all day in the library even reading for fun doesn't sound all that fun. Hopefully something will happen soon.

Stacia

Good ideas, bad practice

I'm supposed to be writing this paper about Simon Dimanshtain and the Jewish policy in the USSR until 1924. Yes, I can see that many of you are already excited and agitated by the intrigue and interest that this topic suggests. But while working on the paper today, I actually got into the topic that I will eventually (if I ever get there) write my dissertation about, which is the state/party system of the USSR. Mostly this concerns the creation of a huge bureaucracy, which I believe is part of the reason that communism, according to Lenin, failed. I see the rest of you are now excited beyond comprehension that I will eventually solve the hang-ups of communism and then we can all live in error-free socialist utopias. Ok, so the reason this interests me (and it's one of the few things that does, these days) is because, like love or romance, communism is a beautiful, wonderful, incredible theory on paper and absolutely unrealistic in real life. Unless you're talking about those few countries in northern Europe that have managed socialism without going bankrupt. That would be an interesting comparison. Not only did the Bolsheviks not achieve communism, they screwed it up so badly that, well, so badly that there's really not anything else to compare it to. What they ended up with didn't even remotely resemble communism. Of course, then there's the debate about what communism is: an economic system, a state system, an entire life ideology, all of the above. You would think they could get at least part of it right, but no, they had to go and screw up every single aspect of it. Amazing. They should get credit for that at least. And just so you know, the PRC is not communism any more than the USSR was. It seems they have given up but have forgotten to change their name and let their people know. The free market knows though. Alright, enough of this. Return to your exploiting, capitalistic lives.
Stacia

Quote

I just started reading The Tale of Murasaki by Liza Dalby and came upon this great line, which, unfortunately rather applies to my life. "I was annoyed at how poorly reading prepares one for real life. One comes to expect things to occur in a particular way and then they do not." That's why I just never leave my apartment and instead read all the time.

Stacia

dusklands

I've just finished Coetzee's Dusklands which is a very weird set of fiction/non-fiction. Coetzee's Waiting for the Barbarians is one of my favorite books, but I wasn't really impressed with Disgraced. One can see the basis for Barbarians in Dusklands. He also wrote a fictionalized account of Dostoevsky, which I own but can't bring myself to read. What kind of hubris does it take to presume to know Dostoevsky? Well, I suppose I should go work on the endless paper. I do have to finish it soon and I guess beginning would be the best way to do that.

Stacia