Thursday, June 24, 2004

Pain by proxy

How is it that you can hurt for someone without knowing how they feel? It's just a foreboding of bad things, hurtful things, things that you can't fix, no badly how much you want to. I just want things to turn out for him, so that he doesn't lose the people he loves more than his own life. He has struggled so hard to get where he is, I don't want anything or anyone to destroy his accomplishments. And what if she takes his baby away, my nephew? Then what? How will he get Phoenix back, how will he survive without her? What would he tell Phoenix? I know she is so young and she is still struggling with her own demons, but now she is the mother of my brother's child. And I still care about her too. It would be best if they could just move away, far away from her family and her friends. It would be easier that way. I don't want them to lose their sobriety or Phoenix, or each other. I wish desire was something that could be ripped out of a person as easily as it is instilled there. Why can't we just want what is best for us? Why does life have to be so hard for some and so simple for others? Why do we have to ache for those we love? Why can't we ache for them so they don't have to? It's easy for me to sit in judgment, by myself, in my apartment that I hardly ever leave except for work or school. Being a hermit looks better and better every day. If no one can touch you, they can't hurt you. If they don't know you exist they can't know you. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.


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