Free Cow

I know it is usually men who are deemed adverse to spending long periods of time with one person (I believe the word I don't want to say is "commitment") but as you can see, this is not just a man issue. It's not that I'm opposed to long-term, permanent type relationships, it's just that I don't know if I would be very good at it. I get bored easily. And to be honest, most men don't view me as long-term type material. My cousin Amynda put in her on-line journal that she is the girl who gets hugged but never kissed. Well, I'm the girl who gets f***** but never gets hugged. I'm moody. I like things a specific way. I don't always like company. I like being alone. I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it, the way I want to do it. But sometimes, it would be nice... Mom says when I meet the right person, I will know and everything will change. I hope so, because right now I put up such a bitchy persona that I don't know why anyone would even try to get close. I just have to know that someone thinks I'm worth trying for. Once I know that someone is going to stick around and they're worth it, I'll treat him like a king. I know I would. I always have in the past. Just turned out that none of them deserved it. So I have to weed out all the losers before I will just start handing out my affections. It's such a catch-22 and it sucks. I want to have hope, but I don't, yet I do. I plan to be alone, forever. It kind of feels natural. But then I see that guy and wonder. The question is, does he wonder when he sees me?

Stacia, the alone, trying not to be bitter, cow.

Not much

Well, not much has actually happened here. Still working on that paper, that never-ending paper. It's so hard working in another language. But it's gotta get done.

Things with my brother are still up in the air. My mom is trying to help without being judgmental. I think she's doing a pretty good job. Hopefully things will all work out.

Stacia

Over That

I am feeling much better. The regular slump was coming and I wasn't doing much to stop it, but yesterday I woke up and decided I wasn't going through that again. After work I cleaned the apartment, did laundry and got back where I should be. Today is sunny and hopefully I can stay that way too.

Stacia

Pain by proxy

How is it that you can hurt for someone without knowing how they feel? It's just a foreboding of bad things, hurtful things, things that you can't fix, no badly how much you want to. I just want things to turn out for him, so that he doesn't lose the people he loves more than his own life. He has struggled so hard to get where he is, I don't want anything or anyone to destroy his accomplishments. And what if she takes his baby away, my nephew? Then what? How will he get Phoenix back, how will he survive without her? What would he tell Phoenix? I know she is so young and she is still struggling with her own demons, but now she is the mother of my brother's child. And I still care about her too. It would be best if they could just move away, far away from her family and her friends. It would be easier that way. I don't want them to lose their sobriety or Phoenix, or each other. I wish desire was something that could be ripped out of a person as easily as it is instilled there. Why can't we just want what is best for us? Why does life have to be so hard for some and so simple for others? Why do we have to ache for those we love? Why can't we ache for them so they don't have to? It's easy for me to sit in judgment, by myself, in my apartment that I hardly ever leave except for work or school. Being a hermit looks better and better every day. If no one can touch you, they can't hurt you. If they don't know you exist they can't know you. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep.

Stacia

What he saw

Well, I managed to finish it. It was amazing, thrilling, twisted and incomplete. Dostoevsky knows how to finish books, and that alone makes him an incredible artist. It's not an ending, but a beginning of another story, one we get to wonder about and imagine ourselves. Nietzsche said "Dostoevsky was the only psychologist from whom I had anything to learn." But yet, Dostoevsky also understood that you can't ever really understand the motives of people. That sometimes people are just who they are despite their best effort to be something better, bigger, more noble and beautiful. That often we don't understand ourselves, yet we claim to have secret knowledge of others. This arrogance is what makes his characters act the way they do: that and innocence, of which he believed few possessed. The man was a genius.

As I stated previously, I had lunch with my friend Sean yesterday. He's a fellow graduate student so mostly we discuss school and research and stuff of that nature. But we also discuss private stuff on a very superficial level. A man whom I had met, yet was not interested in, had done something which had really ticked me off. This is why Sean is my friend: I told him the situation and then told him that maybe I was being petty, but that it really bothered. His response was who cared whether it was petty or not, if that's the way it made me feel, then it was legitimate. He also said the actions of the guy would have make him uncomfortable too. So that made me feel better. Needless to say, after a very short conversation with this man last night, I don't think I will have to worry about hearing from him again.

the weather is grey and cold, but sometimes that is nice too,
Stacia

Lazy Summer Daze

Even though I should be working on my paper, the paper I must finish in order to get a TA position this fall, all I can do is think about the Raw Youth. Thankfully I'm almost finished reading it. It appears to be a combination of Notes from the Underground and the Idiot. But it accurately describes the insecurities of being a young adult trying to prove to everyone that you are an adult and not just a moron. I for one know I went through that stage and did some pretty stupid, life altering things to prove that I was a grown up. In hindsight, all I proved was that I was a moron.

But the paper is coming along nicely. There's been a few snags, but nothing I can't overcome. Spent the morning in the library and then lunch with a friend. So far, the day has been pretty good. I plan on finishing Raw Youth tonight and then will be able to more fully concentrate on the Jewish policy in the USSR.

Stacia

Father's Day

Since this is the day we are to celebrate our dads, I thought I would say a few things about my dad. I did not get to choose my dad, but he did get to choose me. When he married my mom, when I was three, he did not have to take on the responsibility of becoming my dad. But he wanted to and he adopted me. In all the fights that we have had, my dad has never referred to the fact that he is not my "dad". My brother and sister were never treated any better or worse than I was. No one who ever meets our family would know that I am not "his". My dad taught me how to tie my shoes, how to ride bike (I actually ran into him once) and how to drive. He paid for my piano lessons, my private school and my college. He brags to his friends and colleagues about his daughter, the graduate student. He taught me character and morals, more by living and doing, than by preaching. I am who I am because of my dad and I am very proud that he chose me to be his daughter. Thanks dad, and I love you.

Stacia

Old Age

So last night some friends and I go out dancing. We had a blast! It was great to see everyone and just have a lot of fun. Only by the end of the night, we were all limping out because one part of our bodies or another were so sore. I guess that it just the price you pay for fun when you are old!

Stacia

Raw Youth

Started the book by Dostoevsky last night. The man is brilliant. If I could write half as well as he did, I would be a successful professional writer. His insight into the human mind and emotions is amazing. The main character makes this great statement at the beginning of the book. "Why is it, then, that what an intelligent man manages to express is much more stupid than what remains in him unexpressed?" I know I have this problem, but I doubt it was one that plagued Dostoevsky.

For those of you who don't know, Bart's Camille is my best friend and if you keep up with her blog, you know that her and Bart have been on the quest of trying to conceive. It looks as if this endeavor has been successful. I'm very happy for them and excited. Camille is already a wonderful mom and Bart is a great stepdad. I am confident that he will make a wonderful dad while continuing to remain a great stepdad. Yet, I am a bit sad that my best friend is in a place in life that I am not even close to obtaining. Camille has a great marriage and is in a place where she can have another kid. I haven't even had a relationship in 4 years (yeah, I've dated, but nothing worth writing about). It's not that I want what she has right now, but someday, that would be nice. I guess everyone just has their own timetable and mine is moving a bit slower. So for now, I'll just live through Bart's Camille.

Stacia

summer reading

I finally started working on one of my paper's today. This one is about Simon Dimanshtein, from 1918-1924. If anyone knows Russian or Yiddish, I sure would appreciate the help. I sat at a microfilm machine for two and a half hours. Not fun. But had lunch with another graduate student. Interaction is nice.

Trying to decide what to read next. I know it's summer and I should pick light reading, but I'm tempted to start Dostoevsky's Raw Youth. I started it once, but it was during a semester, so I didn't finish it. I remember it being very good. I'll let you know.

Well, I suppose I should work on my paper some more. A grad student's work is never done.

Stacia

Unbelievable

Someone please help me here. I just found out that my exboyfriend (we broke up in July of 2000), who is still trying to get back together with me, even though we haven't seen each other in 3 1/2 years went out and bought me a really big, really expensive engagement ring. He also bought me a matching necklace and a cell phone. I think he might have mentioned a DVD player too. Why, why why? When contact between us resumed in April I told him there was no future relationship for us. And if it hadn't been for a close family member of his having terminal cancer, I probably wouldn't have had any further contact. But I made the mistake of trying to be a friend, and now this. He says my idea of love and relationships is just skewed. Maybe, but since he still has a girlfriend name Mary Jane and can't seem to dump her, what is a girl to do? I just want to find an intelligent man, with a career (or in school), who is funny, caring and has life goals, other than wanting to be Peter Pan (yes, my ex actually said that).

Well, thank you for letting me vent. I'm sure not all men are that dense and sooner or later my Idiot will come.

porn

This feels slightly pornographic. And very narcissistic. Really, who is going to read this besides my best friend? But since I'm here anyway, I guess I should tell you I'm a graduate student of late Imperial/early USSR history. So I'll probably put a lot of intellectual musings on here that I know few people really care about.

I just finished reading What I Loved by Siri Hustvedt (any idea what ethnicity that name is?). The book was brilliant. And not just because the main characters are university professors (which is my one day, far, far away goal). She even incorporates an actual weird event from New York into the story without sounding like a trashy magazine. I believe the events she writes about have been turned into a movie and a documentary by the same director under the title of Monster. Has anyone seen either one? Anyway, I would recommend the book and plan on picking up a few more titles by her. I also read The Crazed by Ha Jin. I had previously read his waiting but had not really understood it. After taking a People's Republic of China, I think I will reread it. The Crazed was very good, but without the understanding of the Cultural Revolution, a little difficult to comprehend.

ok, I guess that's enough literature for a Friday night.
Stacia