Chicken skin

I just made some of the best chicken I have ever eaten. Ok, it was the best chicken skin I have ever eaten, although the chicken was really good too. I got the recipe out of the food issue of the New Yorker and it is so good that I would good a whole chicken just to eat all the skin. Basically you cream a ton of garlic, mix it with butter and lemon juice and then add Wishbone Italian dressing. Drench the chicken. Cook on 350 for 53 minutes, flipping the chicken and basting it twice during that time. Oh, I forgot, dump a bunch of Lawry's seasoning salt on the chicken before baking. Then, stick the chicken under the broiler, after drenching it again. Watch it until it browns, flip and drench and broil again. Absolutely amazing.

now that I'm stuffed, I'm going to go to homework, because it is a Saturday night and what else is there?
Stacia

All's fair. . .

I am so extremely tired and unmotivated. I have a 10 page paper due tomorrow and sat in front of my computer last night and came up with 2 pages. Two! That's it! It's not like I have any free time to day at all. I have things I have to do from 8:30a to 9:00p tonight. I have no idea when this paper is going to get typed. I have 2 papers due next week and a presentation I have to give. And it's not even that I don't know what I want this paper to say: I just can't seem to get it out. And I'm so tired. I'm tired and I have very little social life and have very little time for a social life. Yet, all I want is to be able to come home and just have someone hold me for a while. I don't even have time for that, which is ok, because I don't have anyone for that either.

I still love to TA though. However, one of my students had to drop out of school because his unit got called up, probably to Iraq. He's a really good kid and he's taking it all in stride. His greatest fear is that Kerry will be elected president and abandon the troops over there with no funding or equipment. He really wants Bush back in the White House. This is the first person I know who will be going to Iraq.

well, even though it's 6:45a, I have work I need to do.
Stacia

I'm Free!!!!!

I just got some of the best news ever! My ex-husband got remarried this weekend!!!! I'm free! No more worrying about him hunting me down. No more looking over my shoulder to make sure he's not there. No more nightmares that he's standing at the end of my bed. Maybe I can even go into Wal-Mart. Dare to dream! He has officially moved on and hopefully he will never, ever think about me ever again. I hope she's a nice girl and I hope they are very happy together. I hope they are married forever! I'm so excited that I'm going to go to my homework.

Stacia

School sucks

It's only the beginning of the second full week of school and I'm already exhausted. I'm already looking at everything I'm supposed to get done and shaking my head in disbelief. Why am I doing this? Maybe history should just be a hobby that I do in my spare time, because making history my profession is leaving me with no spare time. Good news: the final draft of that damn paper is getting turned in tomorrow. But I'm sure something else will be due soon enough.

Moving on to even happier things. Well, although the weather is finally beautiful, summer is pretty much over and with it, the chance that I might actually meet someone and start something. With school back in, there is no time and I'm crazy now anyway. Anyone interested in me during the school year has some serious psychological problems and should probably be avoided at any costs. I'm greatly disappointed. I really thought this was going to be my summer. I guess I was wrong. Nothing unusual. Well, I hope he's not out there, because now the answer would have to be no until next summer anyway. Oh wait, I'm going to be in Russia doing research next summer. Guess that means no until I'm finished with school because after next summer I'll be in various places around the world until my dissertation is finished. And I really don't think anyone would be willing to wait around five years for me. I know I wouldn't.

back to reading the history of the entire world, person by person,
Stacia

Dreams and other realities

I dreamt about Amanda last night. A very strange dream. She was there, but there was not much interaction, but like Amanda herself, all was needed in the dream was her presence and therefore, the dream was about her. The dream made me realize how much I miss Amanda. Amanda is one of the most real people I know. She feels and write in a spectrum of colors I am incapable of dreaming of. Her emotions experience more than I could ever realize. Amanda is beautiful and sexy and sexual. She is a big girl, but I think she has to be. She feels and lives on so many levels, she needs her bigness to hold it all. I am tiny and this makes me feel like I will explode with all the things going on inside me; like I can't hold it all. Yet I read what Amanda has written and wonder how she can hold it all it all within her. Sometimes, I wish that just for a moment I could crawl inside her, just to experience even a fraction of Amanda. I know she has experienced more pain and loss than I would ever want to go through, but it has made her more aware of life, beauty and futility, in a way that allows her to live and express, regardless of what others think. Therefore I respect her, envy her, love her and right now I really miss her.

I had my first TA sections on Wednesday. Everyone repeat with me: they are babies and you are their TA. Yes, there are a few very pretty ones, but I really don't have time to babysit. Two of my sections are very talkative, the other two, not so much. I really enjoyed the first week though. We will see how it goes. Hopefully better and better.

Back to the paper, which is due Tuesday, so then I can get on to prelim stuff,
Stacia

Scavenger hunt

Classes started on Thurs. I had sociology, which looks like it will be fine and then I had to sit in on lecture for the class I'm TAing for. I got there early and sat in the front row. This gorgeous, although probably 21 year old, at the oldest, boy walks in, scans the half empty room and sits next to me. He starts chatting me up and I can see my advisor watching and laughing. This guy finally asks if I've bought the books for class yet. I reply I'm the TA, so yes, I have the books. He mumbles something about being a TA and then turns and basically ignores me the rest of the class. Have to admit it was kind of funny. I also got carded on Friday because this lady honestly thought I was under 21. I guess that's good.

So I'm having a slight identity crisis. Of course I'm a student, but I'm not the smartest student, or the most motivated. I enjoy it, I'm glad I'm going to school, I'm glad I'm a student. But I feel like I have no identity as a woman. I mean a sexual identity. Regardless of all the babies that seem to be attracted to me, I don't want to be a mom. I want a man, like a full-grown one, with a job and life separate from mommy. One who knows sex does more than just get one off. I don't even feel like I have any leads! Maybe one will fall in my lap. With my luck, it'll be in about 3 weeks when school is stressing me out so bad I'll feel like a crazy woman. That might be when I need a man the most, but I won't be at my most attractive.

I should take a moment to wish my nephew, Phoenix, a happy one year birthday! It was Thursday, but since he can't read, and no one in my family reads this, it doesn't really matter. Mom said he is now standing without holding onto anything, but not walking yet. Should be soon. She also said he can say nana, so she began to refer to herself as nana. Must of worked because she said he only says it when he wants her to pick him up. Very smart!

Finally, Amanda, if you're reading this, you should invest in some Anais Nin literature. Her erotica is really good, but her other stuff is even better. Stuff like The Sealed Room, Under a Glass Bell, House of Incest, Winter of Artifice, and others. Everytime I read her, it reminds me of you and your writing. I think you would really like her. Let me know.

Stacia

I'm a TA!

I'm getting really excited about being a TA. We had really boring TA training on Monday and I got my office key and my health benefits and my contract. I'm getting paid more than I thought, which is good. I still haven't been to my office yet, and I share it with 4 other people, so I'm probably going to be stuck with the bad desk in the bad spot with the bad computer, but that's ok. My mom got all excited and she wants a picture of the 3x5 index card with my name and office hours on it that will be outside my office door. I've done some of the reading for the first two weeks of class and I'm already coming up with questions for the first week, which will be the hardest. I have to memorize all those names! I have four sections with 18 people in each of them. Today, besides working on polishing that paper (see previous blogs) I am also going to work on the syllabi for my sections. Mostly it will be class policy, grading, my office hours, e-mail address, ect., but also what I expect out of the students. I really hope I'm good at this.

Stacia

Big sigh of relief

I met with my advisor yesterday and the first thing she did was hand me the syllibus for the class I'm TAing. Thank God! She had always said I had to finish the paper first. Then we went over the paper. She really liked it and doesn't think it should be that hard or take that long to fix. The final paper is due on Sept. 14th. If I could write the whole paper in two weeks, I can certainly correct it in two weeks.

that's it for now,
Stacy

Blank

The paper was turned in on Monday. My advisor then took me out to coffee to talk about the TA position and to tell me how excited she was because I was going to be a great TA. Tues. I get an e-mail that there's a few problems with the paper, but no word about the TA position (I supposedly had to finish the paper to get the TA). So I meet her today and have gone over her list and my paper and hope she likes the suggestions I have. I want her to know that I am serious about getting this paper done and I am serious about being a student and a TA.

Meanwhile, Craig has gotten a "real" 9-5 job, something for computers. I know he's upset and not very happy about having to do this, but I am really proud of him. He has stepped up and decided that his son is more important. I now view my brother as a man, rather than my little brother.

well, gotta go to work,
Stacia

Nicole's pregnant!

If you don't know who Nicole is, don't feel bad: I don't either. But apparently this was very exciting news, received by my upstairs neighbor, on her balcony, at midnight. For those of you who know me, I'm never up at midnight, so this did not please me. Hopefully it'll get too cold to have conversations outside at midnight soon.

Well, I turned in my paper. I'm a little nervous because my advisor then took out for tea and kept telling me what a good TA I'm going to be. If she doesn't like the paper, I don't get to be the TA. Hopefully that won't be an issue. So I'm really excited about the semester now. I have to come up with office hours. I still don't have classes on Mondays or Fridays, so that's going to be really nice.

I guess that's about it. I just need to clean my apartment. Apparently when I'm stressed out I cook and I think I got every single dish I owned dirty yesterday.

ok, hope everyone else is good.
Stacia

Finally Finished

Well, the paper is finally done. I have 34 pages and 2 pages of bibliography. My co-worker and friend Katie read it yesterday at work and made many very valuable and excellent suggestions, as well as praising my paper (thanks Katie!) and I'm obviously still in paper writing mode because this sounds like my paper. I am happy with the final product. I could have added way more, but I don't know that it would have added much. I know that tomorrow I will do a final re-through and find it terrible and will again fear that she will not like it, but this paper is at least 100% better than anything I have ever given her. Worst case scenario, she accepts the paper and asks for a few changes/corrections. Best case, it's great as is and that's that. My shoulders, back, neck and hands hurt so much. I'm so glad I'm finished. I just hope she likes it, because I worked so hard. I don't know how depressed I would be if she doesn't like it. So I won't even think about it.

anyway, I think I'll read something not related to Zionism in Russia!

Stacia

Paper

Yesterday I typed 6 more pages, taking my total up to 17 pages complete. But I felt like I was floundering, not sure what I was trying to accomplish. Knowing that it is much easier to "fix" 17 pages rather than 35, today I will go through my paper and organize it. I also sat down and decided what the purpose of the paper is, what I'm trying to prove, how I'm going to prove it and, most importantly, am I going to get 35 pages out of this. And I think the answer is yes. Yes I know what I'm doing, how I'm going to do it and I will get 35 pages. And there was much rejoicing.

Then, last night, I decided I wanted to watch a bit of the Olympics so I turned it on. Men's gymnastics. Can you say yummy? The strength it required for half that stuff was just pure beauty. Needless to say, I didn't get much work on my paper done last night. No Olympics tonight!

Stacia

Day of rest?

So, turns out the semester actually starts on Sept. 2nd a Thurs. Which is about the stupidest thing I ever heard, especially since the next Monday is labor day and therefore, no classes. Whatever. The only problem, is that my professor decided she wants my paper on Aug. the 23rd instead of the 30th. That's a one week difference. With a paper this size, that's a huge difference. I know I can do it, especially since I don't work this week, at least not until Friday, but it's going to be difficult. I managed to pound out almost 6 pages today, taking me to a total of 11 pages. I'm hoping for at least one more day where I can get 5 to 6 pages out, if not more, and then just 2 to 3 pages a day after that. Writing the whole paper isn't going to be that bad. It's the editing and organizing once it's written and proof-reading and all that good stuff. It really has to be a good paper and sometimes when I'm typing to just type, it ends up not making much sense (I'm sure none of you have figured that out by now).

Also found out more junk about Corinne that makes me so incredibly mad that I almost hope, well, I'll just keep that prayer to myself. We pretty much knew she was using drugs again. She would go out all night and leave Craig home with Phoenix, so we kind of figured. Craig found out on Friday that she was using during the day too, when she was the one watching Phoenix and often driving afterwards. That just makes me sick to my stomach. How in the world can you do drugs and then make sure your baby is secure in it's carseat so it won't get hurt in case of an accident? I hope she od's and dies. Guess that prayer slipped out.

Anyway, I guess I should go work on my paper some more. I'm so excited! I guess this is one time when not having a social life really comes in handy. No distractions!

Stacia

I've had to re-edit this page five times already because I keep finding typos! I hope I do better in my paper.

Watermelon

So even though it's October like weather here (we're setting new record low highs), I had watermelon and a nectarine for breakfast. Very delicious, but I will be hungry in about 15 minutes. Good thing I'm home.

Last night I'm surfing the web, trying to figure out if I should do one of those internet dating things. I'm not sure if this is actually a good time to start dating, but if I waited until it was a good time, I might be dead. So here are a few irritations at looking at these electronic classifieds. First, please have someone read and edit your profile. Nothing turns me off like a profile with misspelled or incorrectly used words. Second, the word I is supposed to be capitalized. If you don't capitalize it, it looks like you're either trying to be cutesy, sweet, meaning trying to convince us you're sensitive so we'll jump into bed with you, or it looks like you have no self-respect. Neither of those options is attractive. And finally, find a decent picture. Don't use a picture that's so dark you can't see anything and don't use a picture where it's obvious that at one point there was a woman draped all over you. I'm sure you know someone with a digital camera who can take a great new picture of you now. Just flipping through them convinced me that this is not the way I want to go.

Anyway, looking at my fall schedule and turns out I don't have classes on Mondays or Fridays. That's kind of cool. But the semester starts on Sept. 2nd. That's a Thursday. Who planned that? It's just stupid. And it throws off my schedule for my paper. Which, by the way, I should be working on right now.

Gotta go type something intelligent,
Stacia

Forgot to mention, my baby sister, Elise, turns 18 today. I guess that means all my parents kids are no longer kids. I bet they're happy.

Phoenix update

Talked to mom last night. She said Phoenix is finally on a schedule and seems much happier for it. Craig was going to try to just have an "agreement" with Corinne about Phoenix, but her mom told him that she (her mom, not Corinne) is looking into drug treatment centers for moms so Phoenix could go with her. As I told my mom, that doesn't mean Corinne would do it. But that did make Craig realize he needs to get everything legalized while he is on the offensive and she is on the defensive. Mom has talked to corinne's dad (her parents are divorced) and he, his mom, sister and wife have stated that if it went to court, they would all testify against Corinne. When Craig and Corinne first started dating her family told my parents that Corinne is manipulative and just out for herself. Apparently this is very true (she wasn't even upset about Craig telling her to move out, it was like, ok, I've got to find someone new to take care of me). Thankfully, all these people care about Phoenix and want what's best for him. So hopefully, Craig will be able to get stuff in the system before she even thinks he'll do something like that. And it would be great if it didn't take that long.

Meanwhile, I am starting to type my paper today and hope to have 15 to 20 pages by the end of the week. I have to have the paper finished in three weeks and it has to be 30-35 pages. The sooner I finish, the easier it will be to correct and get it perfect!

Stacia

Saturday stuff

Well, not too much going on. Just life. It's going much better but I'm still having a rough time emotionally. I'll probably start new medication in two weeks. That will hopefully help. Other than that, it just goes on.

a new day

Well, feeling much better today. Will try my best to make it last. Have many things scheduled this week, so maybe being busy will help me focus on something other than half of my life. We shall see. Just so everyone doesn't think it is selfish narcissism on my part that has brought me down, there have been some family issues. My brother finally confronted his girlfriend about the fact that she's a bad girlfriend and not that great of a mom. She didn't put up much of a fight. So now my parents have Phoenix. The good news is that it looks like Corinne isn't going to put up much of a fight for custody. The bad news is that my brother may expect my parents to do more than they're really prepared to do. My sister leaves for college this fall, and this would have been the first time in my parents marriage that they would have been childless (I was three when they married). They were looking forward to an empty house and now to have an almost 1 year old thrust upon them could be a little much. But I know they will do what is best for Phoenix. Hopefully it will all work out in the end (after the end, does anyone really care if it works out?).
Stacia

I could use a drink

I feel like I could drink at least half a bottle of vodka right now, right out of the bottle. You know, real lady like. At least enough vodka to pass out or forget or float or whatever. This is the first time in at least a year that I have wanted to drink this bad. Or just be a really bad girl with some nameless beautiful face. I just feel like I'm floating in myself and I can't get there to myself. I'm too far away and I don't know if I want to go there anyway. Afraid of what I won't find. Maybe I'm not really there after all.

Men and other annoying pets

Let me start by saying men are morons. Not only are they morons, but they seem to believe they can treat women however crappy or rudely they want, and if you're 30 and single, you'll still want them. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I can remain single the rest of my life and it won't kill me. I'll not settle just because I don't want to be alone. I did that before and feeling alone when you're with someone is much worse than feeling alone when you are alone. That being said, I wouldn't mind having a man. Sometimes, when I get depressed (yes, I will eventually see a therapist), I feel like I'm a emotional leech on my friends and family. Since most of them have men and children, I don't really think this is fair to them. Yes, that's what friends are for, but still, it's not the same as having your own man hold you and tell you that this to will pass. But it needs to be someone who understands the nature of the beast. To do lists will not make the depression go away, talking about my past will not make the depression go away, yelling at me will not make the depression go away, fixing me another drink will not make the depression go away. Just hold me and let me cry and then take me for a walk. Let me be silent; I'm tired of talking about it. Do the little things: buy me a magazine you saw that you thought I'd like, e-mail me just to say you miss me, cook me dinner. It's the little things that give me hope and remind me that it's worth living. I believe that having given up hope in finding a man who can understand me is what's actually caused this latest round of the blues. Hope is hard to hold on to. At least I have my plants.
Stacia

It's good to be home

Well, that's pretty much all I need to say.  My bed, my bathroom, my kitchen, my couch, my music, my car, my friends and even my job.  Thank god I'm back.

Stacia