Is the week over yet?

Things are going well with the kids, but I could really use a nap. I am exhausted!!! The kids (up until today, at least) have been getting along great. However, today, they just seem tired of each other. It's also Allison's birthday today, so it's a great day to be mean to her. They've been going to VBS all week, but today was the last day. And while they were gone, instead of taking naps, I did useless things like run errands, go to the grocery store, clean the house. You know, stuff like that. I did buy my super, deluxe travel system, but it's still in the box. Yesterday the kids made stuff for the baby, so that was good, but I'm ready for a nice long nap and at least a 1/2 to read without interruption. Tomorrow Wes gets here, which the kids don't know. So the next two days will be hectic and then Sunday we drive to Florida (without the kids). If you don't hear from me for a week, it's because I'm soaking up the sun on the beach!

That didn't go so bad!

Apparently I'm not as huge as I feel. I had originally decided to wear a tight shirt, one to show off my belly, to pick up the kids, but then decided maybe something a bit more subtle would be better. I guess it was too subtle. I had to tell Wes's x I was pregnant. Even she couldn't tell. We were talking over the kids' heads because I told her I wanted to tell them later. She congratulated me and then asked if it was planned. Hmmmmm???? I wonder why she asked?

We were eating lunch when I told the kids. Allison was very happy, but Victor thought I was joking and he didn't think it was funny. I finally pulled my shirt up to show him my belly. Then, he was just "shocked", and remained so for most of the day. Apparently he "wasn't expecting it." Allison was thrilled that it's a girl. Victor just rolled his eyes. They did have questions, but not the ones I was expecting. I had to explain several times that, no, your mom will not be the baby's step mom, your step dad will not be the baby's step dad and your stepbrothers are in no way related to the baby. I think they finally got it. Then they wanted to know who knew I was pregnant first (um, me!) and if we wanted a baby (yes!), will daddy be home for the birth (he better be!) and if they would be here for that (probably not).

Victor did make one very strange comment (several times). He told Allison not to get too excited because the baby could die when it was born, because that happens all the time. I explained that it does happen in poor countries like Africa, where there aren't enough doctor's or medicine, but that in America, it doesn't happen very often. I don't know if he was hoping or if he was worrying about it. Later he got very upset when he realized we have stairs and what if the baby falls down them and gets hurt?!? Well, we'll get a baby gate.

Allison wanted to know what we're going to name the baby. About two hours later she told me she thought Navy Bean was a beautiful name. I'm glad she approves. Victor wanted to know how we could name the baby without knowing what it looks like. A good point, but since we don't really have a back-up name, Navy Bean it will be. Victor also wanted to know what she would look like, so we talked about how Wes and I looked and how that might make the baby look. Allison wanted to know if it would be crawling when they came to see the baby at Thanksgiving (I'm due the 8th of Nov.) and I had to tell her no. Victor quickly pointed out to her that she wasted her time hoping for a little sister to play with since it wouldn't be able to play for several years. So then we discussed what kind of playing they could do with the baby.

Now, all these conversations have been spread out over a couple of days. It's not been baby time 24 hours a day. We've also played hero scape, monopoly, life, uno, and kids' trivial pursuit. But, the baby finally moved yesterday when the kids were right there so I let them feel it (they wanted to know how I knew it was the baby). They looked at me like I was that guy from Alien, you know, the one who has the alien pop out of his chest. I think it freaked them out just a little bit. Today, we're going to go to Target so they can see what I registered for. Allison actually wants to buy something for the baby, but I think we'll wait on that. Maybe I'll just have her draw a picture for the baby's room or something like that.

Oh, Victor did say at one point that he was scared when I told them I was pregnant. He didn't elaborate, but I told him that the baby didn't change how much we loved them, how much we wanted to see them and that we still want them to come live with us. I guess things are still not much better over there. Matter of fact, he was telling me that his mom thinks he's going to flunk out of middle school and because of this, he's not sure if he'll be smart enough to go to college (he's 10 and going into 5th grade. While school is important, I don't think this is the best way to impart that). He's also back on his medication because they didn't want to deal with teaching him how to handle his emotions (that's really pretty much what she said). So, even though it went well, I know that it's not always going to go this well. But this is a good start.

Say what now?

I'm going to get my husband's kids today. I haven't seen them since my husband left, since his x doesn't see any reason in driving them 1 1/2 hours just to see me (they live 3 hours away). I understand this, yet, my husband and I are really trying to instill in them that we are all a family, and if they're never here, how does that work? But right now, my main issue, my main fear, is that they don't know I'm pregnant. Yes, various people think we should have e-mailed them, or called them and just told them. But we want to be in charge of that conversation and that situation, and we wanted to give them time with just us (or me) to ask questions, talk about their fears, and try to make it feel normal. Yes, we are afraid of what his x might say to the kids. We've heard enough from the kids to know that she is not always honest with them about the divorce, about my husband's career, about the entire situation. Why wouldn't she try to twist this into something bad as well. Now, don't get me wrong. She doesn't talk bad about my husband and when he's home, we get the kids as much as we want. However, when it comes to the divorce, she obviously can't tell the truth (well kids, Anthony was just better in bed and he told me he had a lot more money than your dad, so I left) (Also, I am not indicating that I believe Anthony is better in bed. I have met Anthony and I actually have a hard time imagining Anthony having sex with a woman.). Therefore, the reasons she gives the kids for the divorce are just ludicrous: he choose the navy over the kids, he pays the navy to work there, so he doesn't have any money (which is why we pay an arm and leg in child support), he doesn't love the kids, that's why she left (and gee, that's why we get them as much as possible, because we don't want them). I'm just wondering how this is going to go over. Yes, the kids knew we wanted more kids, but that doesn't mean they understood we would have them, or how that would change their lives. So I'm a bit worried. But I'm going to try to make it as good and exciting as possible. Send good thoughts my way.

Pack it up!

The baby's room, otherwise known as the office, is slowly, but surely, getting cleaned and organized. I almost cried when I had to pack up most of my books though. I only packed the books I have read, but still, how do I know I won't want to read Achebe, Conrad, Dickens, Atwood, or any of my other old favorites. I felt like I was packing up my friends. My husband assures me it is only temporary, and I know it is. Not to mention the close to 200 books I didn't pack up because I haven't read them yet, or the three tall bookshelves in the dining room that are filled with my Russian literature and history books (yes, I've read almost all of these). Those, I just can't pack. Thankfully, I don't have to. But it is slowly sinking in that my life is about to radically change. This time, two years ago, I was working on a dissertation proposal, looking forward to doing a year long research trip to Russia and hoping that someday I would be a professor. Now, I'm 5 1/2 months pregnant, have two step-kids, and a husband who is a naval officer. I want to eventually become a middle school teacher, but really want to be a stay at home mom first. Life is funny. And I'm very happy, but very scared as well.

This is my first baby. We have no baby things. My husband's kids are 10 and 7 and even if they had kept the baby stuff, they would have gotten rid of it during the divorce. Several people have asked me about a baby shower. I don't think I'm going to have a baby shower. You see, I'm not really that good at making friends. I lived in Texas for 14 years and the only friend I took away with me (other than my husband, but he was more like an acquaintance for the 15 years before we got married) is Camille. And I love Camille with all my heart and she more than makes up for any lack of friends on my part. In Madison, it was easy for me to make friends. We were all in graduate school together. I actually made a lot of friends there, people I'm still in touch with, even though hardly any of us are in Madison now. But here, here it's been harder. When you're a substitute teacher, you move around and don't stay anyplace long enough to make friends. And every time another navy wife and I become friends, they end up moving away. IQ doesn't really count as a friend. But, I finally met someone I really like and someone who wasn't in the navy and someone who wanted to give me a baby shower (one of the navy wife's did too, but then she moved). I met this person through IQ but she is smart and funny and I really like her. She's moving next week to California. Go figure. So, that leaves nobody to give me a baby shower. I go to church and I'm in a Sunday school class, but it's a hard way to make real friends. I'm a little disappointed about not having a baby shower, but I know I'll be getting packages from all over the country (and maybe the world). I'd still like to have a friend who lives here though. Camille, why can't you move here???

Two down

I know I should be reading books I've never read before, but I decided I couldn't pack away Salman Rushdie's The Moor's Last Sigh without rereading it. I remembered it as my favorite Rushdie book, and it did not disappoint.

The Moor's Last Sigh follows a wealthy Indian house for four generations. They have made their money through the spice trade. They claim they are descendants from Vasco de Gama (from the wrong side of the sheets), and they are Catholic. The family is ruled by strong women and eventually, is destroyed by stronger/weaker men. There is no harmony in this family. They destroy one another, as if it were sport. The narrator of the story is the last of them, the Moor, and with his death comes the death of the family.

Epifania and her husband have two sons, Camoens and Aires. Epifania rules the household and Aires is her favorite. However, Aires and his wife, Carmen, are unable to produce children, mostly because Aires is gay and he and his wife never have sex. Camoens brings home a beautiful, strong-willed orphan, Isabella. While Epifania is trying to gain control of the business (her husband left her an allowance, but not the business upon his death) she ends up destroying the business and the family. Aires and Camoens are sent to prison (for allowing riots and such, this is during British rule) and while they are gone, Isabella takes over the business and the house. She builds the business back up and manages to establish some sort of peace within the house. However, she often neglects her only child, Aurora. Bella continues to keep control, even after the release of Camoens and Aires and eventually, she buys Aires 50% of the business. Unfortunately, she dies from lung cancer when Aurora is just 13 years old. Not long after that, her father takes a swim in the ocean that he had no intention of returning from.

During this time, Aurora has developed her artistic talents and has discovered she is indeed a wonderful painter. One night, while wandering around, she discovers her grandmother, Epifania, whom she blames for her mother's death, in the chapel and she suffers a stroke. She calmly sits down and watches her grandmother die. With her last breath, Epifania curses her granddaughter and her house. From this point on, it is Aurora's story.

At the age of 15, Aurora meets and instantly falls in love with Abraham Zogoiby, a Sepharic Jew who is 20 years her senior. No one will marry them, so they claim they are married and proceed to have 4 children. Abraham turns the family business into a vast network of black market activities, while Aurora concentrates on her artwork. The three girls they have are not so important to the story, but since their son, the Moor, is their narrator, he is very interesting.

The Moor was born after only 4 1/2 months in the womb. He was born with a club instead of a right hand and ages at twice the speed of normal people. Although the story is very interesting until this point, this is where it really takes off, with the man who is telling his own story. It is a story of twisted love, betrayal, hate, betrayal, more twisted love, and so many strange things that you don't know what to believe. In the end, having killed themselves off (or being killed by others) he is the only one left and he is running for his life.

This is a great book, and very different from The Satanic Verses. Rushdie is a master at creating a situation where one is willing to suspend disbelief. This is a book, where upon finishing, you still can't decide who you believe. Was it Abraham who killed Aurora, or one of her spurned lovers? Was the Moor's lover trying to kill him to destroy his mother, or was the poison meant for herself? Is anything as it seems? I'm glad I reread it before I packed it away.

I'll take that to go

I had a dream that I had the baby last night. In the dream, my pregnant friend had a baby (I don't have a pregnant friend) at our house, but her placenta was missing. I then went into labor, had the baby in about 3 minutes (I pray to God this is what will happen) and then pulled my placenta out, cleaned up the baby and dressed her. Then Wes called (in my dream) and was a spoil-sport by insisting I take her to the hospital to get everything checked out. Very weird.

I haven't been doing a lot. Just cleaning the future baby's room, swimming (I love swimming), reading, a lot, and I bought a sewing machine, but I'm afraid to touch it and realized I don't have any thread anyway (been checking Craigslist for material). I've also spent a lot of time being kicked and punched at the same time. At least that's what I'm assuming, unless my child is already doing the splits. They're still not hard, they're just very, very frequent.

IQ, being the nice person that she is, invited me over to her place for 4th of July. This puts me in quite a bind. You see, her house is filthy. Like, disgusting. Like, I don't want to eat or use the bathroom there. They have two cats and maybe clean the litter box once a week. She hasn't vacuumed since a month before the baby was born (he's 2 months old), and there's just crap everywhere. She wanted me to help her get a cleaning lady, but I can't because a cleaning lady will not come in and pick up all that crap (I mean, trash, junk mail, stuff from the store, baby stuff, you name it, it is all over the place). A cleaning lady will come in and vacuum the floor she can find, which at IQs is next to nothing. They leave the tummy time baby blankets on the floor, and let the cats walk and sleep on them. DISGUSTING. IQ did tell me she was cleaning up for the 4th though. I guess she actually loaded the dishwasher yesterday. Yes, that is her idea of cleaning. But the point is, I don't want to be there and sooner or later, I'm going to have to tell her why. Fortunately, right now, I have a great excuse.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FURNITURE!!! Yes, they don't have any furniture. No, I don't know why exactly, but I can speculate. IQ is given $800 a month by her husband. This is to cover food and household supplies. If my husband gave me $800 a month, I would have furniture. But not IQ, oh no, she usually runs out of money before the end of the month. What does she spend it on? JUNK!!! and FAST FOOD!!! We went to Target the other day and she mentioned she doesn't have a pack n' play. She doesn't need a pack n' play, at least right now. The baby sleeps in a bassinet. I told her, you can find one on Craigslist for cheap, you don't need to buy a new one (one gripe about Craigslist. What is it with people who claim baby items are barely used because the baby only used them constantly for 6 months and then try to sell the item for only $10 less than Target sells it brand new? Have these people read the baby books to know that babies are only babies a very short period of time and six months of constant usage does not a practically new item make?). Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, pack n' play. We get to Target. Guess what IQ buys? Um hm. Then she gets home and finds out one side doesn't work. Does she take it back? No. She keeps it. Which means, by the time the kid can pull himself up, they won't be able to us it anymore. And, while we were at Target, she decided she needed a new charger for one of her game thingies. Why? Because she already has two of them but doesn't know where they are in the house. GO HOME AND CLEAN YOUR FREAKING HOUSE!!! Don't buy another one. Thus, why she always runs out of money and her house is a mess. Even if they wanted to buy furniture right now, there's no place to put it because THERE IS CRAP EVERYWHERE!!!

So, for now, as a pregnant lady, I can use the lack of places to sit as a decent excuse to not go over there. But once they get furniture, I might just have to straight up tell her her house is gross. And yes, I have gone over there and tried to help her organize, but after 10 minutes she's tired because it's hard and she'd rather play WOW. And yes, her house looked like this before she got pregnant. And I'm not picking her up and bringing her over here to have play dates. If she wants to come over here, she needs to get her driver's license. I'm think I'm ranted out. Wow, I feel much better now. Thank you for listening. And I promise, the next IQ story will be much funnier (actually I have at least two that are hilarious, but you kind of had to get this one first to REALLY appreciate them).

I hope everyone has a fun and safe July 4th!

1 down, 99 to go

Ok, I don't really expect to read 100 books before the baby is born. Do I own 100 books that I have never read. Yes, yes I do. I do hope to get through at least a book a week though, which would get me to 20 (in addition to mommy books and such).

I just finished The Mayor of Casterbridge by Thomas Hardy. When I was 15 I read Tess of the d'Urbervilles which I just thought was spectacular (I actually remember telling Camille's mom all about this book). I mean, Tess is wronged, sexually, by a noble and it costs her her reputation and later, her husband. In the end of the book, she stabs the guy to death. STABS HIM TO DEATH!!!! Then she flees to Stonehenge, where she dies. How is that not a great book for a 15 year old girl? After reading that, I bought every Hardy book I came across. However, I never read any of them. Yes, a little strange, but then I went to college for 12 years (and three degrees).

Anyway, back to The Mayor. Other than the older English and the English dialogue, this is another great book. Michael Henchard gets drunk one night and sells his wife and young daughter. Fast forward 19 years, when his wife, after realizing the sale wasn't legally binding (and finding out that her "new" husband has died) returns to find Michael. Michael, disgusted with himself for what he had done, swore off alcohol, and turned his life around. His wife finds him to be one of the richest men in town and he has become mayor. Yet, alas, this is but the beginning of the story.

Although Michael has sworn off drinking, his personality and temper have not changed, and the rest of the book tells of his downfall due to both. This downfall involves a Scotsman, who he convinces to stay in town and work with him, an old lover, and his daughter, who turns out not to be his, but husband number 2's. Every action of Michael's becomes painful, as the reader realizes the dire consequences for his behavior. Like a horror film when you wonder, Why are you going into that room! In the end, he is able to do what is right, but it takes every last bit of energy and life he has.

The Mayor doesn't have the feminist appeal of Tess but Hardy's understanding of human character is amazing. He is a great writer and his characters are consistent. While I'm going to read a book by someone else now, I will return to the stack of Hardy books that I own.

IQ makes me laugh

Although being friends with IQ is very stressful, she does at least provide comic relief.

IQ became pregnant because she couldn't remember to take her pills and the shot hurt too much. She claims her husband knew she wasn't on birth control, but I have to wonder. Anyway, she has decided to go with an IUD. I personally think this is an excellent choice. Right now, they're just waiting for the ok to put the thing in (I'll spare the details). IQ had a doctor's appointment and I guess she had one last question for the doctor.

IQ to the doctor: Is it ok for me to have sex with the IUD in?

I'm hoping they accidentally tie her tubes while they're putting the IUD in. However, my mom did point out that at least this gives the doctor a heads up as to her mental ability and then there's one more person on the look-out to make sure she doesn't forgot about her baby and accidentally kill him.

Half way there

I'm 20 weeks, so technically, half way there. I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, and she told me that my baby is very active. She said it would be in my best interest to enroll her in soccer the minute she's born. The doctor actually had to find her and hold her down to get her heartbeat. This morning, I awoke to someone kicking or punching me repeatedly in the same spot. But she's still so tiny that my tummy barely fluttered every time I felt it. It made me laugh out loud, which of course, made her stop. I hope we can find constructive things to put that energy into, rather than tantrums!!!

Since I'm half way there, I thought I should probably go register. I went to target and had a lot of fun. We're going with frogs. Lots and lots of cute frogs. My neighbor told me she has a crib, pack n' play and various other items she will give me. I love her! My parents are going to buy me that superwhamedime (as my husband would say) travel system. Then I went and looked at the baby's future room and my head exploded (it's been doing that a lot lately).

This is the clean part of the baby's room!

Do you see my dilemma?

All the junk in here, has to go into the garage.

This was my garage before my garage sale.

My garage is much more organized now, but it still has a ton of stuff in it. I'm going to have another garage sale, probably in Sep. So for now, I'm just packing up the future baby's room. And then I realized I have a ton of books in there I've never read, and my head exploded again. Now, I'm going to spend as much time as possible reading as many books as possible before the baby's born, because I hate packing away books I haven't read. At least there's plenty of my husband's junk in there too. He has waaaaaay more crap in that room than I do. I'll just pack up all his stuff, while I'm reading and leave my stuff for the last possible moment. Since he doesn't get back until Oct. anyway, I should be able to get through quite a few books. Especially if I always having someone keeping me awake at night!

Not for all times

This past week I read the Soviet novel Not by Bread Alone by Vladimir Dudintsev. The book was published in 1956, after the death and denouncement of Stalin's terror. The front cover claims, "The novel that rocked the Soviet Union." I certainly see why it rocked the Soviet Union. Let's start with a little history.

Due to the totalitarianism of the Party of the Soviet Union (most people didn't realize that the Party ran everything, the government just fulfilled the Party's wishes), most people assumed that the State was the most important entity in the Soviet Union. However, this is totally against Party ideology. Society, the collective, the group, was the most important and it was the job if the Party to protect society, the collective, the group from bad stuff, most notably, the individualistic desires of the capitalistic bourgeoisie. Unfortunately, this "job" became institutionalized and bureaucratized to the point of detriment. This is the topic of Not by Bread Alone.

The main character, Lopatkin, starts as a school teacher, but he soon realizes that the local pipe factory is using a wasteful method of casting pipes. Yet, it is this same method that all pipe casting machines are using throughout the USSR. He quickly comes up with a better method, however, the local factory cannot attempt it without the approval of the Moscow Ministry of whoever casts pipes. However, this ministry is dominated by an older inventor, who is also looking for a better way, and thus, Lopatkin is silenced. He refuses to give up though, and over the next 8 years he continues improving his machine and continues writing letters and meets people and moves to Moscow. He also "steals" the wife of his chief bureaucrat who is holding him up, because this person too is working with a group making pipes from a similar design as Lopatkin. Actually, they stole it from him.

Why don't they want Lopatkin's pipe casting machine if it will save time and money? Quite simply, he is an individual who worked on his machine with maybe one or two people, while they are an organization, who had tens, if not hundreds, of people working on their machine (which still failed). In the end, Lopatkin succeeds and everyone else fails. Why? Because Lopatkin, although an individual, is working for the greater good of society, while all the bureaucrats are only working for the greater good of themselves and their retirement checks. So although he is not a collective, because he is the only one truly working for the collective, he wins.

I understand why this would have rocked the USSR. Here is a writer pointing out how the ideology had been turned on its head, how the Party had become the individual and how a non-party individual had wanted something for the collective. However, a wonderfully written novel for all times, it is not. It's too technical. Pages and pages of notes about pipe casting and iron quality and where to put valves and equations. Pages and pages of letter writing and complaining and inventing. And the Soviet Union has collapsed now. Why? Because we know that the Party did win, not the individual, and finally society realized the Party didn't have their best interest in mind, and got rid of it. Do I think this book should be disposed of as well? HELL NO!!!!

This book would make a great read in a graduate level course, perhaps as a companion piece to The Ghost of the Executed Engineer by Loren R. Graham. Graham's work is very short and a pretty easy read. The book discusses the fate of technology in the Soviet Union, starting with the Bolshevik Revolution and the difficulty of creating a new, industrially advanced society using engineers trained in a capitalistic society. Graham shows how the decisions of the first decade really affected the technology of the entire Soviet Union. I think these two books would work really well together and together give students a feel for the state of technology in the Soviet Union.

While I don't think Not by Bread Alone is a spectacular novel, written for any audience, I do think it is an amazing book. I applaud Vladimir Dudintsev's courage for writing such a book (it would have been published during the thaw, but even in the USSR, these things were short and one never knew when the current would turn). The book helped me more fully understand the process of bureaucratization in the Soviet Union and the struggles of those individuals who wanted what was best for society.

Missing husband found, with excellent excuse

My husband called me last night. He was very upset. Apparently, last week he was given 5 minutes to pack his stuff and head to a South American submarine, where he's been since then. No access to e-mail or phone. Since he was given very little time before he left, he was unable to let me know. He was hoping one of the guys would tell their wife who would tell me (which happened, but not until Wed, a week after he disappeared and a day before he called). So I decided to let him live, because really, there was nothing he could do about this situation.

Then we got on to the good stuff. He is very excited about having a little girl. And he wasn't that surprised. He said that he's been working around nukes so much, he doesn't know if he has any little guy swimmers left (for those of you who don't know, most of the navy is powered by nukes). But now we have to figure out a name. Unfortunately, my husband has dated a lot of women. So I tried going a more international route, which also backfired. My husband was stationed in Italy and Spain and has spent time in Germany so, there again, the good names are all gone. But I love Russia! Apparently, all Russian girl names are associated with whores (thanks James Bond!). But there are a few names we agree on, so I'll just keep working on him until he gets back, and if all else fails, I'll just fill out the birth certificate when he's not in the room.

Well, I'm off to the navy's budgeting for baby class. I can't wait to find out how much this is going to cost us (not the class, that's free, the baby). Good thing everyone I know plans on buying cute little girl clothes, otherwise this child might just go naked!

The unveiling

Blogspot is totally pissing me off because I've only added spaces in between my paragraphs FIVE times now and they keep erasing them. WTF!!!! I'm already having a pissy day!

I had my ultrasound on Friday. It was quick and painless. The baby is beautiful and healthy.

I can't wait to kiss that little foot!

Already practicing the wave!

This angle is much better than the frontal view!

And I'm very happy that we were indeed able to tell what it is. I would post those pictures, but it seems a little wrong to show your child's genitals off to the world! It's a little GIRL!!!! I cried. I probably would have cried if it had been a boy too. No, I would have definitely cried. Now it is real. I can start imagining what she's going to look like, what her personality is going to be like. Her fingers look decently long, maybe she'll be a great piano player. Hopefully she'll like to go bird watching. Maybe by the time she's one, she'll have hair (hair at birth doesn't really run in our family. And then, when it does come in, it's always super blond!). I hope she'll eventually have green eyes (mine turned green at puberty), but if not, they'll probably be blue (like everyone else in the family). We still don't have a name picked out, but everyone is throwing in their two cents (or what they think is worth two cents).

However, my husband doesn't know yet, and that brings me to the sad/angry portion of this blog. He was supposed to call me. I assumed, since I haven't heard from him, or gotten any responses to e-mail that their system was down. I found out yesterday, it's not. Well, I don't know about the phone system, but I do know about e-mail. So when I finally get to talk to my husband, I think we may have a go meet jesus conversation. I know that he's probably busy, but really, how long would it take to hit respond to an e-mail and type: We're really busy but I can't wait to talk to you about our baby. I'm so excited and I hope everything went ok. I love you, talk to you soon. Hey look, that took less than a minute for me to type! This was something that was supposed to be special and shared between us, where I could talk about my hopes and dreams and fears. Now, I just really don't care if he finds out or who he finds out from. I'm also going to be mean and point out that while someday his kids (the first ones) will judge their mom for what she did, they will also know how many times he e-mailed or called them when he was at sea and judge him for that as well. His job is difficult and time consuming, but we decided to have a baby and if he planned on only being a dad when it was easy for him, I might have made a different decision.

While everything about the baby was perfect (except the part where they show you the face. They should never do that to a new parent. It still looks like an alien), they did find something that could be bad. I have more than one placenta. And no, there is no twin who didn't make it. I just have a small piece of placenta (about 1/3 of the size of a normal one) that is thinly connected to the real placenta. Apparently she plans on staying extra long. But, if they hadn't have found this (I had to go back in yesterday for more pictures) the doctor could have left that extra piece of placenta in me after birth, which could have led to infection, and all the bad stuff that goes with that. So while that was slightly scary, at least they found it. And they verified that it is still a girl!

That's about it here. Now I really need to clean out the garage so I can move all the stuff in the office into the garage to make a baby's room. I'll post pictures of that later!

Hey! I felt that!

Last night, I felt a very definite kick, like a thwamp. There was no question about it. I had gotten up in the middle of night to go to the bathroom, and then I couldn't get back to sleep, so I was basically rolling from side to side, trying to get comfortable. I guess the little navy bean was getting motion sick or something, and it wanted me to just lie still already! And yesterday, I had someone rub my belly. But, at least it was someone I knew (another teacher at a school I sub at often). It was still weird. She thought I was only 3 months along, so that made me feel good too, because I do feel huge (18 weeks, 5 lbs gained).

This past week, two things happened that have really made me think about being a parent. One, I found myself standing in a completely empty room, three days in a row, with my hand over my heart, pledging allegiance to the American flag, outloud. This had always bothered me, the what to do when it's time for the pledge, but you're completely alone. I feel silly doing it, but I feel bad not doing it. But I realized that soon, I will not be alone and someone else will be watching my every action. I would rather feel silly, but display integrity, than brush it off and teach my kid disrespect.

Two, I had a friend stay with me a couple of days who has two kids of her own. Her kids are not bad, but the oldest is 3 1/2 years old, and my friend sees no point in disciplining her because she's just 3 1/2 years old. Um, because soon she's going to be 4 and then 5 and someday 10, 11 then the teenage years. She will tell her daughter to do/not do something, but not back it up. By doing that, she's teaching her daughter that she doesn't have to obey her. Which got me thinking about discipline. At one point, I even told my friend that I would have given her daughter a little (not painful, just shocking) smack on the leg. She then turned to her daughter and said, "See, you're lucky I'm your mommy because Stacia is mean." Ok then. Maybe I just want children that obey. And maybe I want to have friends who invite me to their houses because they know my children are well behaved and won't leave a disaster zone behind them (they won't). Maybe I just want children who respect me, others and themselves. Maybe I just want good kids.

Mish-mash

I realize I misspelled colposcopy my last post. Oh well. You all knew what I was talking about. I had my doctor's appointment last Friday. We heard the heartbeat (152) and I've gained a whopping 5 lbs total. Which is weird to me, because I feel huge, but I still weigh less than I did in January. I asked the doc about the whole colposcopy thing and she said that pregnancy hormones could increase the activity of abnormal cells and that yes, if I have cancer (still slim) it could hurt the baby. So I went ahead and scheduled one. They can't get me in until July 10th though, so I figure they must not be too worried. I also had the blood-serum test done, the one that checks for genetic markers. I'm not too worried about that, and besides, Wes and I asked for a baby and this is the baby God gave us, and even if it isn't "perfect" we're keeping this baby. Who are we to tell God he gave us the wrong baby? But if something is wrong, we want to be prepared and know what resources are available to give our baby the best possible life. Apparently the baby can now hear things outside the womb (otherwise known as my baby belly). I'm going to start reading to it this week. I'm currently reading History of the Modern World but Wes thinks that may be a bit disturbing. I guess I'll break out the box of children's books my mom gave us instead. And the big sonogram is scheduled for June 13th. We really want to find out what it is, so I will poke my tummy until this baby is in the right position! I think that's it on the baby front.

Let's talk about IQ! I saw her this week. I took her to church with me on Sunday. Now, IQ grew up Jewish but her husband is Christian, so she converted. I don't think it matters one way or another, as this story will demonstrate. Awhile back, I was talking to some other friends (not at church) who are Jewish and we were talking about Passover. I asked which type of synagogue they went to (reform, conservative, orthodox) and IQ chimed in that she was Jewish but had converted so now she was a reform Jew! Anyway, IQ likes our church, which is fine, but she's only been a few times and she wanted to become a member without her husband ever having visited. Um, that's really a family decision. Anyway, after church we went out to lunch and I found out some things, things that continue to disturb me. First, she's been drinking wine and then feeding the baby, and by feeding the baby, I mean breastfeeding. She didn't know that the alcohol could get into her milk. So I told her she could drink, but she needed to pump afterwards and then throw away the milk. Second, she dropped the baby, which actually, doesn't upset me. I mean, what new mother hasn't dropped the baby, bonked its head while putting it in the car, let it accidentally roll off the couch (I mean, one of these things, not all of them). Anyway, what disturbed me was the fact that she thought the baby had been hurt because she discovered this "soft spot" on the top of its head after she had dropped him. You mean, THE soft spot. How does someone not know about the soft spot? That's almost worst than the circumcision thing. Almost. But her husband gets back this week, so yay!!!

Now, I'm just cleaning, cleaning and sleeping. I found that if I get up, eat and then go back to bed for and hour or so, and don't take an afternoon nap, I sleep much better at night. But I am ready for school to be out (which is weird, because it's not like I work that much) so I can get into a routine. I like routine. I should enjoy one now, while I can!

Do you know where he is?

I have not been sleeping well. I am a stomach sleeper, and as the last post revealed, my stomach is growing to unsleepable size. Add to that the fact that I'm still having weird hormone induced dreams, and I'm pretty grouchy, cranky and tired. A couple of weeks ago, I dreamed we had a home invasion and I got shot. Try going back to sleep after that dream. Two nights ago I dreamed I went to pick up my baby boy (yes, that was apparently his name) at daycare and they had lost him. I guess I should start exercising and maybe I would sleep better. Maybe.

I have beautiful teeth, so says the dentist. That makes me happy since the pregnancy books all talk about how terrible pregnant women's mouths become. I'm not so excited about the doctor's appointment I have on Friday.

I received a phone call last week stating I needed to call my doctor about my pap results. I called the next day and talked to the most clueless person ever.

Me: I'm calling to get my pap results.
Her: You need to schedule a pap smear?
Me: No, I had one, I'm calling to get the results because the doctor told me to.
Her: So you don't need a pap smear.
Me: No, I already had one.
Her: Give me your information. (In the military, this takes forever, as it includes my husband's social security number, my social security number, both our names, and then me explaining that yes, we are indeed married even though our last names are different.)
Five minutes later,
Her: Are you still pregnant?
Me: Um, as far as I know?!?
Her: Your pap smear was abnormal.
Me: Duh!!!! Actually, I said, "yes, I know, I have HPV."
Her: Apparently you have HPV. (Duh!) The doctor wants you to have a coloposcopy.
Me: I had one in January. Do I really need another one?
Her: Let me put you on hold.
A minute later,
Her: Yes, you need to schedule another one.
Me: Do you have the number?
Her: No, just call the insurance company. Thank you, have a good day.

Um, ok. Now, I did a little internet searching. There's no way my cells went from normal in January, when I had the last coloposcopy, to cancer, now. And, we all know they couldn't treat it now, even if it was cancer. According to some of the stuff I read, it's really pretty normal to get abnormal cells during pregnancy, but the cells get flushed out during birth, along with everything else. So, is a coloposcopy really necessary, or even a good idea. I decided that no, not until I've talked to my doctor about my concerns. I mean, why should I go through a stressful, painful procedure just to find out I have abnormal cells that they aren't/can't going to do anything about. I mean, don't I know that already? I need a nap.

That makes me hungry!

I am now 16 weeks pregnant! This week, my baby is about 4 1/2 inches long and weighs about 3 1/2 ounces, or it's about the size of an avocado (avocado, yummy!). I've been reading my pregnancy books, and I'm starting to look into all the baby classes the navy offers (for free!!!!). I'm getting bigger, and this is the first week where I wore maternity clothes on a regular basis. They're still a little too big, but much more comfortable then the too small regular size clothes. I sent this picture to Wes and when I talked to him, he said "you look so funny!" Um, ok. I guess I won't be sending you a picture of the newly giant boobies. I'm excited and scared and tired. Probably how I'll feel for the rest of this child's life. I can't wait!

That's all baby, I promise!

Tragedy was never so funny

I told you I was reading as much as possible. On Sunday, I decided I needed to start a new book, but I wanted something light and funny. I chose Augusten Burroughs Dry, because sobriety is always light and funny. His name might sound familiar because his first book, Running with Scissors was turned into a rather good movie a couple of years ago. I read Running with Scissors, and it was hilarious and the most disturbing book I had ever read, all because these are true books. I will briefly fill you in on the story from Running with Scissors because it plays a very important part in Dry.

Augusten Burroughs' dad was an alcoholic and his mom was a, well, she was crazy. His parents eventually split up and at the age of 12 or so, his mom gives him to her shrink. The shrink believes that after the age of 13, people are adults and can make their own choices, so his kids are allowed to run wild. Augusten doesn't attend school, has access to medication and is raped, and then has a "relationship" with a pedophile who lives out back (Augusten is gay, but it's clear that this sexual relationship did not begin consensually, not to mention that he was 13 at the time and the guy was something like 30). Again, this is a true story. Needless to say, Augusten did not have a typical American childhood.

When he was 18 or 19, he set off for New York city and managed to get a job in advertising. This is where Dry picks up. Dry is about his alcoholism and his fight for sobriety. And after reading with Running with Scissors, I kept thinking, "this guy could be a psychopath, killing and raping, or doing super-duper hard core drugs, or something even worse." He really is quite normal for his upbringing. But it does haunt him. His choice of self-medication is alcohol, but we quickly find out that even though he is in his mid-twenties, he is already in the final stages of alcoholism. He is forced into a 30 day rehab by his job, and while he hates it at first, he eventually realizes it is what's best for him. This is the first part of the book.

The second part of the book begins with his return to New York and the difficulty of staying sober. Add to that the jerk at work who is jealous and leaves alcohol around his office, the incredibly hot crack addict at group therapy who is in love with him, and the fact that his best friend has HIV (and eventually dies).

Despite the grim subject, Burroughs is an amazing writer. I often found myself laughing out loud, and sometimes, crying. I'm pretty sure he's written another book, about him and his dad, and I need to go find it. While I would recommend Dry I would really recommend reading Running with Scissors first. You will feel guilty for enjoying it so much, but Burroughs is such a talented writer that you can't help it.

So here's to Augusten Burroughs. May you find love and happiness. May you stay sober. My you write many more books and may you always remember that you are somebody!

Revenge. . . French style

I've been trying to read as much as possible, since everyone tells me I'll be too tired to read once I have this baby. I try to get a good mix of contemporary with classic, mostly so I can pack up only the books I have read and have room to leave the rest out. This last week, Balzac caught my eye. I had never read Balzac, and yet the book was claiming him as a genius (I'm pretty sure I had heard this somewhere else, as well). So I picked up Cousin Bette.

Cousin Bette is a poor, peasant relation, much uglier than her beautiful cousin who married a French nobleman (presumably, with money). However, Adeline's husband had a very bad habit that involved, much younger and prettier, and much more expensive, women. I have to admit, the plot seemed a bit thin to me. Bette is jealous because her cousin married up, then called her to Paris and gave her money to set up her own shop and tried to get her married. Um, yeah, I can see why she would be jealous. However, Adeline's young, and also beautiful, daughter, does steal the man Bette is in love with. This gives her justification to try to ruin this family. And she almost succeeds. She becomes best friends with Adeline's husband's current tart and they plot to destroy the family morally, financially, and reputationally (is that a word?). They do manage to bring the family down, but there is enough good in the family to overcome (except for the husband, who disappears). Bette dies bitter that she was unable to achieve her life goal. Ironically, the husband reappears and, while not finishing her work, does achieve to destroy his wife. So there you go, a simple tale of revenge.

However, upon closer reading (or just reading every line) one quickly realizes that this story is about the fall of the old French Empire and its nobility and the rise of the (classless) middle class (the book takes place in the 1840s). A little French history makes this story of revenge and its moral more clear. The newly rich little tarts are painted horribly, but not as bad as the old nobility who pay dearly for their youth, beauty, sex and their rich lifestyles. Cousin Bette does not succeed in revenge because she has aligned herself against the old nobility. Adeline's husband is destructive because he lacks the morals he should have as a noble.

The book is very readable, but I think it would make better reading for a French history class, rather than a literature class. The book really is more about a time period, than human nature, but is valuable as such. Next week, something more contemporary!

Belated congratulations

Growing up I thought I was my parent's most intelligent child. Since I was the oldest, this was pretty easy to think. And then there was my brother's high school behavior (drug rehab can cost as much as college) and that kind of proved my case. I also thought I was probably smarter than my mom. I mean, she was a kindergarten teacher. We would tease her about not being able to count above 20 and how everything had a song to go with it. But my mom always wanted to get her Master's degree, and this weekend, she did. With a 4.0. A FOUR POINT O PEOPLE!!!! My mom is smart. And I'm so proud of her.

Who looks like her mom?

Doesn't she look smokin' hot in that dress?

This cake tasted as good as it looks.

My sister also graduated from with her bachelor's this past weekend. Now, I forgot about my sister when I figured the smart factor, mostly because she was 5 when I moved out of the house. She didn't graduate with a 4.0, no, she only graduated with a 3.94. And she starts her PT graduate studies in less than a week. She got the smart gene too!

You can't find me!

And it turns out you also can't count my brother out. He is also a full time undergraduate, now a junior. He also has a 4.0. He also works full time and is a full time single dad to the little rug-rat above. I guess it turns out my intelligence was just the tip of the iceberg. Lucky for me!

This is a vacation?

I arrived in Texas late last Thursday night. Friday was spent helping my sister pack up her apartment. Then we went and saw "Baby Mama" which was good. However, as most comedies do, this one had a sad spot, and I can tell I'm pregnant because I started crying and could not stop. I think my sister was a little freaked out. But it was all good. Saturday, I saw various family members and played various games and just generally had a great time, although I didn't get a nap, nor did I get to bed early. Sunday was spent helping my sister move into her third floor apartment, and yes, I did make several trips. Nine, to be exact. It was all light stuff, but I probably should have taken it a little easier. I was in bed by 8:30p. Monday, I got to see Camille!!!! We went to Babies r us, where my head exploded with all the stuff I apparently need to raise a healthy, well-developed child. Then we just hung out, and I got to see her kids. Her youngest, who is three, wanted to know, since I have a baby in my belly, if so did she. But, again, no nap and I was exhausted. Back to bed by 8:30p.

Tuesday, I felt much better and Phoenix came over! I got to take a nap with him, and got many, many hugs. But funniest of all, he wanted to know where I was sleeping. More specifically, he wanted to know if I was sleeping with Nana and Grandpa. I guess when he spends the night, he doesn't get to sleep with him, and he really wants to. So he was very concerned about whether or not I was getting to sleep with them. He also wanted to know if I was moving in with them, but I'm not. Today, Phoenix came over again. We made banana muffins, as you can see.

Cute aprons!

Yummy!

The funniest thing today, Phoenix wanted to know, if I had a baby in my tummy, how it was going to get out!?! He's four, and he thinks girls don't pee because we only have butts, so I certainly wasn't going to explain it to him, but he really did look rather concerned. Maybe I'll just show him the video after the fact!