Defying logic

You always hear new parents talking about the indescribable love they feel for their babies. How they didn't really know what love was before they had a baby. How they would die for their baby. How everything in life changed and became more meaningful and real after they had a baby. And they sound so, weird. I mean, I knew having a baby did those things, I just didn't think it was as significant as they made it out to be. And then I had Navy Bean.


But, those feelings just don't make any sense at all. I mean, lets look at the facts. In phase 1 of Navy Bean's life, she made me fat, she kicked me, she kept me from having good sleep, I couldn't eat certain foods that I love (like certain cheeses) and because I was so wobbly, I couldn't bird watch the way I wanted. Nothing there that really elicits unconditional love.

Phase 2: she ripped me a new one, she shredded my nipples, she kept me from getting any sleep (so it felt), she cried for no reason, she pooped more than any person should poop, she peed on the couch, and just this morning, while getting her out of her bath, she pooped on me.

Phase 3: we really don't know yet. I mean, genetically, she should be intelligent, but also strong willed and stubborn. And we really don't know how she'll turn out. She may be horrible. She may never amount to anything. She may save the world. We just don't know.

Yet, I melt when I see her. I'm filled with absolute joy when she smiles at me (it's not gas!). I feel unconditional, undying love when I stroke her little head. I love holding her, even when she's crying (for a while). She has become my life and I can't imagine it without her.

And it dawned on me. That's kind of how God loves us. We don't deserve his love, yet it's there. He even knows whether or not we'll reject him, and yet, he loves us. How awesome is that!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

This is how she got here

I suppose I should record the story of Navy Bean's birth. Well, the day of the 10th I decided that maybe working in the garden would help jump start labor. I think it may have worked because I was in inactive labor the rest of the day. I didn't tell Wes though, because I really didn't want him to freak out about it. And, the contractions weren't getting worse, or closer together. At bedtime, I had just about given up hope that it would happen. And then I noticed that I was feeling a little wet down there, and I had just gone to the bathroom. I smacked Wes and told him to get me a towel, my water had broken. I managed to get to the bathroom without getting anything anywhere and Wes thought I was just "leaking". Except, I went to take a shower and leaked everywhere and I wouldn't stop. This was about 11:35pm. So, we finished packing stuff up, I ate a bowl of cereal and called my mom and Camille and we head to the hospital. By the time we got there, it was about 12:30am.

We head up to labor and delivery and they stuck me in a room and came in twice to see if my water had actually broke. This, despite the fact that I was going through pads like crazy because I was clearly leaking. Finally, they hooked me up to a monitor to make sure the baby was ok (she was), and to see if I was having contractions. I was, but they were erratic and not that painful. Finally, at about 1:30 to 2:00 they moved me to a delivery room. Because my water had broke, they had to induce labor and so started the pitocin. I was only dilated to maybe a 2 at this point. The contractions started coming regularly at this point. Now, I had wanted to have a very active labor, walking around, squatting, that sort of thing. However, if you know anything about me, you know I love to sleep and at this point, I was beyond exhausted. I tried to sleep between contractions (they were still several minutes apart) but just couldn't do it and I was too tired to do anything. I was really afraid that I would be too tired to push when we finally got to that point. Finally, at about 5:00 I decided to get some narcotics, I was also dilated to about a 3. I don't know what they gave me, but they allowed me to sleep, but they didn't do anything to reduce the pain.

Now, the narcotics. They made me hallucinate. I was very upset that the hospital was allowing Dennis the menace to run around because this was not something a kid should see. And then, I was upset because the Russian guy who was supposed to bring me the giant purple mushrooms with white spots, the mushrooms that would make the pain go away, lied to me. The mushrooms did not make the pain go away, they made it worse. And I was upset that the narcotics made the contractions farther apart and I told Wes that. They had to be at least 10 minutes apart, because of the sleep and the hallucinations. Wes looked at me and said "baby, they're 1 minute apart, that's it." So I guess the drugs worked.

At around 7:30am I felt like I needed to push, but the nurse said I would probably only be dilated to 4 or 5. Finally, Wes made her get a doctor to check me. I was dilated to 9. Go drugs!!! And the pushing began soon afterwards. The pushing actually hurt less than the contractions and I felt like I was accomplishing something. The nurse finally said she could see the baby's head and she had a full head of dark hair. I'm pretty sure I told the nurse that wasn't our baby because our baby wouldn't have any hair. I might have even asked her if she was looking at the right vagina. I'll spare you the bloody and disgusting and painful last minutes of labor (including getting my giant placenta out, which ripped out half the stitches they had already done. What idiot decided to do it in that order?). She was born at 9:43 am, weighing in at 7 lbs, 10 oz. and 21 1/2 inches long. She is a very long baby. And she is very beautiful. Which is good, because she's been kind of cranky and can't figure out her days and nights. I'm a little tired.

But, she was totally worth it. Here's some silly pictures of her making faces.

Working on a yawn.

Such munchable cheeks!

I think we're going to keep her. I've become rather attached.

And, as Beth noticed, I'm not giving out her name. You can e-mail me if you would like it.

Wow!!!!

The little Navy Bean made her debut on Nov. 11, 2008 at 9:43am. It was brutal but could have been worse. I'll write more about that later, now, I'm just going to post a few pictures and then probably try to feed her again. She is beautiful and I'm very happy. We are both home and healthy (she's not always happy, which makes me unhappy, but we're good).

Look at those long munchable toes!

We have no idea where all that dark hair came from!

Isn't she just beautiful. Her cheeks are so huge!

She's perfect and I'm happy!

On the way

I interupt the regularly scheduled program to bring you this update: my water has broke and I am on my way to the hospital!!!! Hopefully it will be short and sweet (but I'm not even really having contractions yet). Update as soon as possible!

Forty weeks (and counting)

Guess who's due to have a baby today? ME!!!!! Am I having a baby today? Probably not!!!

Look at the size of that thing!!!!

Yesterday, someone asked if I was having twins!

I've tried everything: walking, swimming, cleaning, dancing, talking to her, threatening her, nothing seems to work. She is warm and comfy (I am not comfy!!!! But I am warm, actually, pretty hot all the time). Due to when my husband has to return to work and when my parents will be here, if we haven't had her by next Wed., we will discuss induction with the doctor. So we do know it will be within a week. Which excites me and scares me. But mostly excites me.

I received a wonderful box from Sandi and David this week (Fighting Maturity). It was filled with tiny little cute clothes. When faced with baby clothes I always have the same reaction: I can't believe my baby will be that small!!! Then, I can't believe I have to push something that big out of my body!!! But we didn't have any newborn clothes items, so they were needed. (Although I think someone, maybe a grandma or a daddy went a little crazy with the shopping when they discovered they were having twin girls!) Wes and I are still trying to figure out how we went from having no baby clothes only three weeks ago, to our unborn baby having more clothes than both of us combined! Although, I guess the majority of those clothes are onesies. I want everyone to take a moment, close your eyes and imagine all the people in the entire world wearing onesies. This is definitely worth one little moment! (I keep picturing Barbie in a onesie!)

The rest of today will be spent cleaning and having Mexican food. And hopefully I'll have baby pictures to post soon!

Over-heard at the gym

While changing at the gym the other day, I over-heard two mid-life women talking.

"I drank soy milk and ate soy products for years, not knowing."
"Yeah, my doctor told me that they could cause osteoporosis because of all the estrogen."
"I know. I used to give it to my kids too, including my son. No wonder there are so many gays! I bet their moms didn't even know about all the estrogen in soy milk."

There's not even anything you can say to that!

We can do it, we did it, we will do it!

I can't let the election pass without saying a few words. Before I was a mommy to be, I was a historian, one who studied totalitarian governments. Therefore I know how important voting is. It is a privilege and a right, one that too many people take for granted, thinking their vote won't make the difference anyway. You know what, it may not make a difference, but if enough people see it that way than it won't make a difference and it will be taken away from us.

John McCain is a brave, honorable man and I respect him and his service to our country. He has endured things that no one should have to go through. However, I did not think this made him the best choice to lead our country. And even if I had supported him, once he picked Palin, I would have changed my vote. I thought his concession speech was gracious and I hope he continues to try to encourage Republicans to respect and hear out our new President.

Barack Obama is a historical figure. I am very proud that I will be able to tell my daughter that the year she was born, mommy, daddy and the United States made history. I am thankful that Obama's acceptance speech was not about mandates from the people to disregard Republicans, but rather how it is time for the country to unite. That we are all Americans and that he will be the President of all of us, regardless of whom we voted for. That is the message we need and I hope that we all continue to work towards that goal.

Obama has a very rough four (hopefully 8) years ahead of him though. However, I think that even if all he accomplishes is to improve the reputation of the United States with the rest of the world, and he is able to mend relationships and open new lines of communication with countries we have disregarded for so long, then he will have been a successful President.

I encourage everyone to keep the fervor of the election alive and to remember that we are all in this together. We are united and will remain united. That we made history and we can do it again. That we need to pray for our government, regardless of if we agree with them or not. And we need to remember how blessed we are, because at least we get a voice.

I have a nursery

I know I've been promising to post pictures, but I finally got around to it. It seems like everything takes twice as long these days, and I have a feeling that by having this baby (like I have a choice now), everything will take even longer.

Pack n' play, in our room. I paid less than half of its retail cost on Craig's list!

My aunt made this. It is amazing!

And here's the nursery! All those baskets on the bookshelf, another Craig's list deal.

I'm starting to wonder, is the rest of my life going to be me wishing I could do something (sometimes, anything) but can't because I've decided to have a baby? I mean, I want to have a baby and I want to be a mom, but I know being a parent is not exactly conducive to having one's own personal life. When will I be able to sleep through a whole night again? When will I be able to read a whole book in one afternoon? Can I still crochet and sew? And I'm very upset that I missed the whole fall migration season.

I know that how we raise the child will play a large role in what we're able to do. If I read to her everyday (and I do occasionally read to her now), hopefully she will love reading and we can spend time together reading. If we spend a lot of time outside, she may better appreciate birds and nature and then that becomes family time. If I crochet and sew, she becomes interested in crafts. That's the theory anyway. But what if I have a difficult child. They happen, often through no fault of the parent. I don't mind if the Navy Bean is interested in other stuff, as long as she engages in life. I don't expect life to stay the same. I expect it to get more challenging, more interesting and more meaningful. I expect to grow as a person. I expect my world to become so much larger than I ever thought it could. I just wonder if I'm up to the challenge, because now, it's not just my life I could potentially waste, it's hers too.