I finally figured out what my problem is. I was raised to be an ambitious woman. I was raised to be a goal-oriented woman. I was raised to accomplish great things. And right now? I have lost all direction. Since I was 15 years old the goal was to get my Ph.D. Well, that went out the window last year. And while I miss certain aspects of school, I really do feel better off without the hassle. But then I fell into a deep dark depression because I had nothing to focus on. Cue the baby desire. I redirected all my goals and ambitions towards creating a family, with new children. Children can grow up to be great adults, adults who credit their moms (and sometimes their dads) with how great they are. Now, well, my cervix has rebelled (oh, my dr.'s appointment got moved to Dec. 31st). Now I have nothing to focus all my ambition and intelligence and, most importantly, my greatness, on. I am lost.
I have decided, when people ask me what I can do with two MA's in the same subject, instead of hanging my head in shame and softly whispering "nothing," I will look them in the eye and declare, "Lord it over people who don't have two MA degrees." When people ask what I do, instead of claiming to be a temporary substitute, until I figure out what I really want to do, I will look them in the eye and declare, "I am the best damn substitute in Virginia Beach, and I am also an awesome wife!" There is no shame in enjoying where life has placed me. I will read books because I enjoy reading them, not because I bought them and so I should read them. I will enjoy crocheting because because it ties me to my grandma, and because I want people to know that I thought about them while I worked, not because there's some arbitrary deadline, like the birth of a baby or Christmas. I will enjoy cooking because it is fun, it is creative and I'm really good at it, dammit, and I want my husband to have a wonderful experience at dinner, not just gain sustenance. I will enjoy sex because it was created to be enjoyed! Screw what I know about my husband's past. Screw my past. And screw my husband like he's going to die tomorrow! I will exercise because I enjoy it, I enjoy looking good and having energy, not just because I have high cholesterol and I'm paying for a gym membership.
I will enjoy being me! Because I am smart, funny, talented and creative! Because I deserve to get to know who I am without all the goals, ambitions, and stress of always getting it done, doing it right and always needing something to brag about. This will be my year of NO STRESS, NO DEPRESSION, and NO WORRIES. This is going to be MY YEAR! I am going to be proud of who I am and what I do, even if you don't think it amounts to jack. Because you know what, I don't care what you think. This is going to be MY YEAR! That's my new mantra. Maybe you should try it to.