Thursday, November 29, 2007

Starting next year's To Do list

I guess because it's the end of the year, I started thinking about New Year resolutions. Since I don't have any vices (snicker), my resolutions are more of To Do lists. Exercise 3 times a week, identify 4 new birds a month, read a book a week. That sort of thing. And then I figured, why wait? I mean, if I want to improve myself, my life and my family, why wait until the beginning of the year to fail, I mean, to succeed. This week, work has been rather slow, so I've managed to accomplish quite a few things: I went to the dentist (for the appointment that was originally scheduled in May); I got my hair done; I cooked something new (one of those things on the list, because I have 5 boxes of cookbooks and I really need to start using them); I got Christmas shopping done; I found out my pap smear was really abnormal and my husband and I will not be starting a family next year.

This is what is called irony. See, I never wanted biological kids. I wanted to adopt. But my husband, for some odd reason, thinks I'm the best thing since vanilla ice-cream (for him, that's heaven), and he wanted to have babies with me. And because I love my husband (and he has green eyes), I agreed. It's also a lot cheaper to have biological babies than adopt, and I'm kind of cheap (we're also broke, thanks to his x). And I was getting excited about it. Thinking about having an alien growing in me. And alien I could talk to, read to, sing to (but only when no one else was around because my singing sucks). I was looking forward to rubbing my belly and feeling little kicks (but only little kicks). I was looking forward to seeing what part of me (hopefully the love of reading) and what part of him (hopefully his vast intelligence) the baby have. Would it have green eyes, like both of us? Would it have blond hair, like we both had as a child? Would it be smart? Would it be happy? Would it be worth it? And now, I may never know.

But I have discovered I have amazing friends and family. I've gotten e-mails and phone calls from all over. They've offered to pray, to listen to me bitch and cry, offered to come help, and one even offered to be a surrogate mother, which is really nice, but kind of creepy. And this comforts me, knowing that these people love me.

Since we wanted to start a family, one of the things I wanted to do was strengthen my faith. I want my children to know that my belief in God lives beyond weekly church services. I want my children to know that I believe in a living, loving, awesome God. I had really been thinking about my favorite Old Testament story. It's in Daniel, chapter 3. The Hebrews had been exiled to Babylon, but many of the young men served as advisers for King Nebuchadnezzar. Nebuchadnezzar had this brilliant idea to build a huge gold statue of himself and then, when it was uncovered, everyone would have to bow down and worship it. Because he was so great. These three Hebrew men, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego refused, because they worshipped God alone. Nebuchadnezzar was furious, and threatened to kill them, by burning them to death. Remember, these were men he knew personally. The men reply, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18) But even if he does not. That is faith. Faith without glory, without praise, even, one might say, without purpose. That's the kind of faith I want. (If you want to know what happened to Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, you'll have to go read the story. At this point, the ending is not important to me.)


Beth said...

Oh hun, I'm sorry to hear that. Like you, I've gone from not wanting to have kids to really wanting to have kids and so can imagine how much it must suck to find out that it might not be possible. Know that you are in my thoughts and I'm hoping for the best for you! Hugs!

Mynn said...

I love you. And I love that story, even though I'm not Christian... What I believe in... the faith I have in it is strong.
Remember, if you need me... I'm here.