Merry Christmas

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, and if you were behind me when I went through security with my kids, I'm sorry about the 7 bins of stuff we had and how long it took to take our shoes and coats off, and get my computer out of my backpack, and how long it took to put our shoes and coats back on and put my computer back in my backpack. Eat lots of food, drink lots of drink, and kiss much under the mistletoe.

Um, excuse me? Where are you?

I'm getting older and strange things are happening. Mostly I think I'm losing my mind. Example one: the other night, I got naked (because that's how I sleep), crawled into bed and watched TV, turning the channel several times. I decided I needed to use the bathroom, so I got up and used the bathroom. When I came back, I could not find the remote. Anywhere. ANYWHERE. I looked under the covers, between the covers, behind the bed, on the floor, under the bed. I could not find it ANYWHERE. I did not understand. It was just there. I had just used it. Finally, I just got up and turned the TV off. The next morning, I found the remote. UNDER MY PILE OF CLOTHES. Had it decided it was cold so it jumped off the bed and tunneled under the clothes? It was very weird.

Example two: Today I was vacuuming the stairs (which I hate). When I got half-way down the stairs I found one white sock. Let me repeat that: ONE WHITE SOCK. It hadn't been there when I went down for breakfast, or when I came back up from breakfast. My washer and dryer is on the second floor, next to my bedroom, so it's not like I dropped it doing laundry. Matter of fact, I hadn't done the load of whites yet. I still have no idea how that ONE WHITE SOCK got there.

Example three: I can't remember what it is but I know there was one. Oh well, you get the idea.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Joy!!!

Although you may think the title is referring to Christmas, it really isn't. It's referring to what I have started to feel lately. I realized the other day that my shoulders aren't as tight, I'm getting fewer and less intense headaches, I'm laughing more and smile at everyone I see, I'm not as uncomfortable in public as I used to be. I have true JOY!!! It's more than just happiness. It's the realization that maybe school was stressing me out WAAAAAAAY more than I thought it was. It's the realization that I have lived and still live an amazing life. It's the realization that life is what you make it and I want to make mine happy. I'm not stressed out because there's not school work waiting on my desk for me. I can read magazines all day and not feel guilty. I can take naps and not worry about it (it's like my body has years of sleep to catch up on). I can go birdwatching and not feel like my dissertation proposal is breathing down my neck. And so I did.

We have had beautiful weather so I went to look at birds. I've always wanted to become more knowledgeable about nature, especially birds, but felt I didn't have the time. Now I have the time. I went to a park with a beautiful pond and walked around. I identified 10 different birds, including one that only winters in Virginia, the American Coot, and the Great Egret, which is a beautiful bird. I almost picked up a turtle because I thought it was a really cool looking rock. I should have known it was a turtle; it was really big. I also saw a very small muskrat. There were lots of birds I couldn't identify but as I do this more, it will become easier. I loved it. It felt so good to be outside doing something fun.

I was able to speak to Wes three times this week. We didn't really talk about anything important (except for sex, and when your man is going to be gone for 6 months, sex is important). He won't be able to call again until later this week. I miss him so much and it was so nice to hear his voice. This is a hard time of year to be alone, especially when you actually have someone. I felt very lonely at church this morning. Christmas is my favorite time of year and I wish he were here. I am excited because I get to take his kids to meet my family and spend Christmas there. And then Wes's dad will take the kids to see family, while I go to Colorado to see more of my family. And then I'm spending another week in Texas. Hey, I know that's a long time, but my husband's gone and I don't have a job yet. And it's Christmas. I want to spend it with people I love. Don't you?

The phone is a wonderful invention

I got to talk to my husband yesterday. It was wonderful. What did we talk about? Some serious stuff (like what I decided to do with my life for now), some stupid stuff(video games) and a lot of "I miss you and I love yous". They will actually be in port a lot which means I will be able to talk to him fairly often. Between that and e-mail, I have it made. My dad's dad was in the navy and my dad was telling me that when they used to go out, there was no e-mail and long distance calls were so expensive that they could only talk for 3 minutes. Thank god for technology! We can even e-mail pictures (although not the ones he wants; like I want the whole Navy to see THAT). So I am happy. And, Wes is where he used to be stationed and he forgot how much he loves it there. He thinks I would love it there too. And his ex is from there and said that maybe if we got stationed there we could have the kids so they could learn the language better and see their grandparents more. I would like that. Who wouldn't want to live in the country shaped like a boot!?!

Other than that, just finishing up Christmas shopping, cleaning, reading and doing stuff I haven't been able to enjoy for a long time. I'm learning to enjoy life again. Maybe having to leave the program wasn't such a bad thing. Maybe it was a good thing in disguise. We'll have to see. I hope everyone else is as excited about Christmas as I am this year (I get the kids, even though Wes isn't here, and they'll meet my family for the first time).

Napless

Today I did not take a nap!!! This is the first day I haven't taken a nap since Wes left. I feel really, really good. I'm still coughing a bit and I think I might pull out my humidifier because the air is so dry from the heat. I think I've finally kicked this thing. But I'm not going to jinx it by saying anything about feeling any sort of alive.

Today I had lunch with friends. We had a great time but sadly my friend Stephanie is leaving soon. I told her I'd come help her clean and whatever else she needs. Once she's gone, I'm pretty much on my own. The other woman we had lunch with, I really like her, but she is the captain's wife and she has a job and three kids. She also lives out in the middle of nowhere. Time to make some more friends.

Tonight I finally tackled my desk. I mailed all my library books back to UW last week (21 books), but I still had all my notes and articles and stuff concerning my dissertation proposal and I just wasn't ready to deal with it before now. I went through all the articles and put many in the recycle bin. Things like chapters from books without the author or title, double articles (I had a lot of those) and I think I found 5 different copies of my typed notes in various folders. And if I'm not doing history anymore, I definitely don't need all those women's history articles. I didn't even like those the first time around. Now one whole shelf above my desk is empty and I got rid of so much stuff I have the bottom shelf of the bookcase in the office. I think I'll be able to pull in a whole box out of the garage. I also dusted and organized and now it doesn't look that bad. I didn't feel sad getting rid of all that stuff but I didn't feel happy either. I just felt kind of indifferent.

I guess since I dusted I stirred up dust. I'm sneezing a lot. But I'm not sick anymore. NO I'M NOT!!!

It's ok. . . .life is just temporary

I've been really sick. Really, really sick. Barely climb out of bed to get some medicine sick (although it didn't seem to affect my appetite any and so I have not (sadly) lost any weight). Monday I went out for lunch with a friend because I finally felt ok. But I took a nap before and after. Tuesday, I almost felt fully ALIVE!!! Which was wonderful because I had not done any Christmas shopping for the kids. Yesterday, I was at that Toy store even before it opened. I ran through looking at all the stuff the kids wanted to decide what I wanted to get them. Then I ran home and spent an hour on-line ordering it, or something similar when that particular item wasn't available on-line. Then I ate lunch and made peanut butter cookies. And I ate a lot of peanut butter cookies. Those were the best peanut butter cookies ever. After lunch I did some more running around to get a gift for a woman on my husband's side of the family whom I have never met. (him: just take a gift for a woman. They do that elephant game. me: what type of gift. him: you know, for a woman. You're a woman, what do you want. me: a more helpful husband) Then back home to look on-line for the one gift that doesn't seem to be anywhere. Only to find it isn't anywhere. It is completely sold out everywhere. So now Allison is not getting a digital camera. She is getting a 12 dancing princesses dream castle (or something like that). Then I watched TV and played computer games. It was a great day. Why? Because I felt almost fully ALIVE!!!

Today, today my body is reminding me that after spending almost an entire week in bed, I cannot just get up and act like I am almost fully ALIVE!!! Thus, today I've spent most of the day in bed. Although I did have some peanut butter cookies. Those cookies sure are good.

MRI saga

today I had my MRI. A number of things went wrong.

The exit I was supposed to take was under construction and closed. The exit the signs said to take were not marked with detour signs after exiting. I finally figured it out, but I was about 15 minutes late.

Signing in and filling out paperwork was easy. But then they told me to take out my earrings. I had managed to get out 7 of my earrings, but I couldn't get out the one right next to my head in my lobe and my cartilage. The nurse helped me get out the ones in my lobes but we couldn't figure out how to get the other ones out. The doctor told me to come back at 8:00pm tonight after I had gotten them out. I went out to my car and was about to leave when the nurse came running out telling me they had found wire cutters. So she cut out my other pair of earrings. I feel so naked without my earrings, they have never been out. I then went back out to my car to leave and the nurse came running out again. She commented that she needed to lose weight. I hope she did because she was so nice. The person who was supposed to go after me hadn't shown up yet, so they would do me then.

For the MRI they put they put this cage thing over my head. I felt like Hannibal Lector. You're not supposed to move at all. It was like some weird science fiction ride at Busch gardens or something. They give you ear plugs too. The machine made some of the weirdest noises I've ever heard. And it vibrated a lot too. I just tried to pretend on was on a ride to keep from moving. Finally it was finished, only it wasn't. They had to insert some liquid into my veins and then do the whole thing all over again. But it wasn't that bad and I didn't cough at all. I have been coughing all afternoon though. I hope it doesn't last long.

It's all good

My finger is recovering nicely. At first we thought the dangling flap of skin would fall off (it's about the size of a tic tac) but now it looks like it has re-adhered itself. It still hurts if I touch it too hard, but for the most part, it is usable.

We had the kids for thanksgiving and we had ham. No one likes turkey enough for me to have 17lbs of left-overs. So now I only have 7lbs of left-over ham. I made photo-albums for the kids and they really liked them. They wanted to know why there were only two pictures of me. That would be because I'm the one taking all the pictures. But it made me happy that they wanted more pictures of me. They also promised to come visit me when Wes is gone. His ex is cool and said I could come visit them any weekend I wanted and stay there. I'll also get to have them here. I get them for Christmas too and my parents are very excited that there will be kids for Christmas. I'm excited too, although nervous about flying with kids, especially since they're not mine and we have different last names.

Allison also asked for a little sister. Apparently she had asked her mom and her mom told her she was old (she's 4 or 5 years older than me) and to ask me. Thanks. Even though I'm not in school anymore I still haven't been bit by the kid bug. We'll discuss it when Wes gets back.

Now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll start with some serious cleaning and organizing. And relaxing and reading. I'm fighting a cold too, causing me to break out the vitamin C. I'm getting together with a friend tomorrow for dinner and a movie. Right now, all things considered, it's all good.

Do Not Try This At Home

or anywhere else either.


This would be the incorrect way to use a food processor. No, I did not put my finger in it when it was on. Regardless of how stupid my advisor thinks I am, I'm not that dumb. But, I did reach in there to remove a piece of jammed onion without removing the blade first. That was pretty stupid. And painful. And I'm really impressed with how well I type without my right index finger.

Quick update. The kids are here for the week: so far, so good. Wes will be gone by the end of the month. I had my neurologist appointment. He thinks I'm just having migraines from stress (stress, what stress) and gave me samples of an anti-depressant/anxiety drug. I can't wait until they kick in. I'm also having an MRI next week, just to make sure there's not anything else wrong. No one has called about a job yet, but that's ok. I finished a Smithsonian magazine. It was from April 2004 so I'm farther behind than I thought.

Thanks to everyone for the e-mails and calls of support. It's meant a lot to me to know that so many people care about me and don't think I'm stupid or a quitter. I have been thinking about my next move, but my husband (probably wisely) suggested I just enjoy this time for awhile before thinking about going back to school (yes, I can't stay away).

I truly have much to be thankful for. I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving.

Just guess

Guess whose husband is leaving next week and will be gone for six months?
I know this one!!! That would be MY husband!!!
Guess who is no longer a UW doctoral student?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Guess who has to get up at 5:00am on Friday to get a Will made, in case her husband is killed while he's gone for six months?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Guess who is going to the neurologist next week to find out why she's having headaches in which the left side of her face goes numb, she loses vision in her left eye, and sometimes it feels like there's railroad stakes going through her left eye through the back of her head (like right now)?
I know this one too!!! It's me!!!
Guess who, at age 32, just got kick dropped by a bitch of an advisor and now, after 12 years in college, doesn't know what she's going to do with her life?
That one's easy! It's me again!!!

Wasn't that a fun game!!! Only it's not a game; it's my life.
I'm trying to stay positive about all of this, but it's really hard sometimes. It's hard to know that within the last 10 months I've gotten married, moved across the country, become a step-mom, lost my life dream and now my husband's leaving for six months and the only two people I consider friends in VA are also leaving. All my friends have been very great and supportive throughout this whole ordeal that has become my life. I'm very thankful for that and for my friends. But in some ways, this is still something I have to do by myself.

Things I can now do that I never had time to do when in graduate school:
Catch up on my Smithsonian subscription. I am currently 2 years behind in my magazine reading. Now I know that "normal" people would just throw them out, but the fact that I spent 12 years in college should have already proven that I am not normal.
Read lots and lots of novels. And not feel guilty about it.
Strangely, I want to read history books. But not about Russia. I know very little about the rest of the world. I think I'll just start checking out general history books at the library. I think that would be fun.
I can cook!!! If you have read this blog for any amount of time you know that I often complain about not having time to cook. I now have time to cook.
Learn more about finance. My husband is really interested in stock, options, and futures. I should learn about them to keep him from losing all our money (just kidding. He wouldn't lose ALL of it).
I would love to learn more about bird watching and photography. I know this area has clubs for both and with my free time (since my husband will be gone) maybe I can do that and meet people.
Try to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I sent out two job applications yesterday. They were for community colleges. Today I think I am going to look into substitute teaching at highschools. I think teaching highschool (not subbing, but being a teacher) might actually pay more and offer more benefits than community colleges. And who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it.
Spend more time with my plants and learn about them. I'm not even sure what some of them are.
Learn to play piano again.
I guess this list is long enough for now.

Today I have a ton of stuff to do and I don't want to do any of it. I really just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day. But, this is the last day my husband works before he leaves, and I'm putting together a photo album for him from the kids. I guess I should do that today, because I really don't think he knows. I'm also making ones for the kids. And the house is a mess. Sometimes, it doesn't really matter though. Hope everyone has more direction than I do.

As promised

Pictures of Washington DC

These are the flowers that Wes ordered for me.

You should know what this is.

The only picture of us together.

The view from our hotel room.

This was one of the cool flowers at the botanical gardens.

I'll post more later.

The interruption of my life schedule

I finally spoke to my advisor today. After telling me for 30 minutes that I can't write, she basically told me to quit. She tried putting a nice spin on it: "Stacy, you're such a good teacher and positions at the Ph.D level are so competitive anyway that you'll probably end of teaching someplace you don't need a Ph.D." Yes, I'm upset that she thinks it will take forever for me to write a dissertation. Yes, I'm upset that she thinks my dissertation will not be good enough to get a job at a "real" university or college. But, part of being a "grown up" (which I became when I re-married and gained step-children) is figuring out when things just aren't going to work out the way you want them to and letting go gracefully. I'm not saying that I'm just going to quit; I'm saying I really do need to think about the situation. It's not just me anymore. I can put "life" on hold for myself and it doesn't hurt anyone. Putting "life" on hold for my family is a different story. We want more kids and a house and while I'm playing student those things aren't really attainable. And I'm tired of being a student. I'm tired of feeling like life is passing me by. I'm tired of being tired all the time and of having constant headaches. I want to read a book for fun. I want to relearn how to play the piano. I want to become more active in my community. I want to learn about more than just Russian history and right now I don't feel like I have time for any of it. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever consider going back for my Ph.D. I'm just saying that maybe right now it's not the right time. Maybe it's time for something completely different that I never planned for.

Stupid computer

I have a ton of pictures, but for some reason, my computer refuses to accept them from my camera (like they're a crappy gift or something). So I'll just write about the parts of the weekend I don't have pictures for and then post the pictures after my husband fixes this for me.

We had a wonderful weekend. We travel very well together and have very similar interests (except for him dragging me to the postal museum because he collects stamps and they had on display the only two known stamps of this one printing. And that museum was way far away and we walked it after walking all day. We pretty much limped to the hotel after that). We also managed to get to a ton of stuff. And somehow, we only managed to get one picture of us together the entire weekend. We even dressed up to go to the Kennedy Center and we didn't get a picture of that. We're pathetic.

On Friday we started with the Holocaust museum because we knew it would be depressing and we didn't want to end with it. Wes really doesn't know that much about the Holocaust (only what they taught in highschool) so he found it very interesting and very sad. We then went to the Freer museum which was Asian art. After that, the Natural History museum to see the Hope Diamond (and other jewelry that Wes promises to buy me) and the insect exhibit. After that, we walked all the way to the postal museum. And then back. We then enjoyed a very good meal with a bottle of wine and dessert. Hey, we were on vacation and we walked a lot.

Saturday we slept in a bit. Then we went to the Smithsonian sculpture garden where we took a ton of pictures (and got the only one of us). Then we went to the US National Art Gallery (or something like that) and went through their sculpture garden. The Smithsonian's was better. We went to the Art Gallery and walked through more than half a wing and got tired (and hungry). After we ate we went to the Botanical Garden (where we took a ton more pictures). The Botanical garden was really cool, but they didn't have a gift shop or anything, which was a bit weird.

That night we went to the Kennedy Center. Wes and I met in highschool band, so we both enjoy classical music. We saw the National Symphony Orchestra, directed by Leonard Slatkin. They played two short works (Wagner and Bruch) and two longer works (Mozart and Beethoven). We splurged and bought expensive tickets so we were in row K, dead center. There were three rows of "box" seats on the stage, directly facing the audience. I commented that I wouldn't want those seats because 1) the sound would be distorted, 2) everyone could watch you. After the first three works was intermission. It was freezing in the concert hall, so I thought it a bit strange that the woman sitting dead center, first row in the "box" seats on the stage had removed her jacket and was wearing a sleeveless shirt and was still fanning herself with her program. The final performance was Beethoven's Symphony No. 2 in D major. There were four movements played. During the third movement, the woman's companions began fanning her vigorously as she began slumping in her seat. Finally, they tried to get her out, but she was in the front row (directly over the stage with a very short "wall,") and she looked like she had passed out, so this was difficult. During this time the break between the third and the final movement occurred and the director waited for these people to leave. After several minutes, he turned to the audience and asked "Is there a doctor in the house?" When the audience began to laugh he said "no, seriously, I think that lady needs a doctor." About 10 minutes later the movement was finished and as we were leaving an ambulance pulled up. We never found out what was wrong with her.

Sunday we visited the Smithsonian modern art museum and part of the Air and Space museum (most notably the food court and the gift shop). Then we went home. All in all, a much-needed wonderful weekend. As of now, I still have not heard from my advisor, which is starting to worry me. I'm trying not to think about it while cleaning my house and preparing my grant application. I'll post pictures as soon as the computer is fixed. Hope you all had as good a weekend as I did.

Happy, happy, joy, joy

No, I haven't heard from my advisor yet (actually, I haven't checked my e-mail yet because I didn't want to ruin my good mood yet). But, my husband came home yesterday, 10 days early. And. . . he has a three day weekend!!! We're going to Washington DC!!! I just booked the hotel (right on the river, less than 2 blocks from the Smithsonian). I'm just so excited I can't sit still. I'm going to go shopping for a dress to have dinner in (no, I actually don't own any non-summery nice dresses). I have only been to DC once in my life, and I was 15 years old. I can't wait! I'm excited! Even if I get bad comments back from my advisor, I don't really care right now.

Inspiration

Camille wanted to know why I consider Lenin motivational. I'm going to answer this question in a very long, round-about way, and I may never actually answer the question. I hate it when people ask me why I study history (even though I do it to others). It's like asking someone why their favorite color is blue instead of green. It just is and I just do. Even though I constantly bitch about what I do, I love it and can't imagine doing anything else. I'm lucky. I'm in a position where I know what I want to do and I can do it. There are certain things we will never know about history, no matter how much research is done. Example: how did Hitler manage to kill 2/3 of Europe's Jewish population? And no, I don't mean the mechanism: we know that. What I mean is: how did he come to the conclusion that beyond just "regular" anti-semitism it made perfect sense to actually try to exterminate a population? How did he manage to gain popularity and finally convince the rest of Europe that it was no big deal? There are hundreds, if not thousands, of books about this. None of them will ever be able to adequately answer the question. Also, it's pretty clear that there are evil people in history. Hitler and Stalin and Mao and Pol Pot instantly come to mind (in addition to those dictators in Africa). But Lenin, he's in a gray area. He was brilliant. And he believed Marxism. Yet he was pragmatic. But was he power hungry? Did he really think Russia would reach communism and lead to world revolution? Would history have been different if Lenin had lived? We will never know. He gave such hope to people. Hope that their lives would be different than their parents and grandparents. Hope that their children would be educated and have living wages. Hope that the future would be heaven on earth. And yet, Stalin happened. How, why? And, would Lenin have actually been any different? So maybe it's not Lenin himself that inspires me as the hope he gave to people. And he had to grace to die before the worse parts of socialism could be attached to his name. He is a mystery in a way the evil of Stalin or Hitler is not a mystery. That's why he fascinates me. Because we will never really ever know.

Sometimes I hate this blog. I've been trying to post pictures for 2 days, but it's not working. Sucks. Maybe I shouldn't even blog. Frustrating. I don't know what the problem is. Finally, I got one picture to post. About time. Anyway, I just e-mailed my advisor a copy of my dissertation proposal. I'm really nervous about that and I hope she likes it: but I doubt it. I miss sharing an office with my friends, so after an event like this, we can sit around and they would make me feel better. And we would laugh. I miss laughing with Tiffany and Nadia and taking walks down State street with Holly. I miss Madison.

I do have a new friend, Stephanie, but she's leaving at the end of November until the guys return in May. That sucks too. I did talk to the captain's wife about crazy Dee. She said I should try to talk to Dee when she's not drunk and just tell her that I was very uncomfortable with her behavior. Then, when I have to get rude the next time I see her because she'll still be insane, I won't feel bad, because I would have already tried to talk to her in a calm and rational manner. Fun times. But please, how many adults physically grab another adult and demand to know "why don't you like me?" Crazy.

Crazy Dee

She's baaaaaaaaack! Yesterday one of the three Stephanies decided to have brunch at her house for the officers' wives. I really like Stephanie (and the other Stephanie) but they're both leaving in December for various reasons and that kind of sucks. Stephanie had already asked me and the other Stephanie to stay after everyone was gone to just hang out. I showed up right on time and start helping with stuff because she has got a spread going. Her place is also beautiful and I'm jealous, but that's something all together different (think place with character, not cookie-cutter). Anyway, Dee shows up about a half hour later and promptly starts drinking. I had taken a 1.75L bottle of vodka over for bloody marys. I took a shot right away (I needed it) and then used a cup for the drinks. That was it (remember this point in a moment).

Anyway, the brunch started out very well and everyone had a great time. There was a screened in porch that was just so relaxing to sit in and talk. But someone kept interrupting and talking and being, quite frankly, rude. Stephanie finally left because she couldn't take it anymore. The other Stephanie, who couldn't leave, was clearing annoyed and ready for "everyone" to leave, because when the other Stephanie left, it was just me, her and Dee. I acted like I was going to leave too, hoping that would encourage Dee to leave. Stephanie even said, oh, it's too bad everyone has to leave, it was such a nice party. It was also three in the afternoon. Dee looks right at Stephanie and says, Don't worry, I'm not leaving. Since she wasn't leaving, I stayed too. About 20 minutes later, Stephanie flat out stated she had a headache and she needed to put her baby down for a nap. Dee stayed another 25 minutes. And it gets worse.

Thinking about this now, it was bad, but still, what were we to do? Dee got right into my face and blocked my path from leaving (I was pretending to go). She demanded to know why I didn't like her and why I couldn't come to her house right now to hang out with her and get drunk. She reeked. Later I looked at the bottle of vodka, and it was half gone. She even grabbed me though. And when I tried to explain that I have stuff to do, like a dissertation proposal, she blew it off like I was making it up. She then went on to tell me how much she respects me and what I'm doing before she began trivializing everything I said I needed to do. I finally made it out to my car, only to have her get between me and the car (after my car door was open) and do the whole thing again. I had to promise to call her this week so we can get together next weekend. She finally left after that. I got in my car, drove around the block and then hung out for another couple of hours. But I did go to bed really, really early, even for me, because she drained me so much emotionally.

What do I do? She seems to really like me. But she has to be better, richer, prettier, smarter, busier and have had a harder life, than every one else. And she trivializes everything everyone says. She scares me. Do I call the captain's wife and talk to her about it? I know Dee is drinking and driving (that's the bad part I was talking about) but she scares me so badly I didn't know how to address the situation (I also hadn't really thought of it until after she was gone, because I was trying to get away). I will have to see her again. She had asked me if I like her and I told her she was very overbearing for me. She went into a rant about that's who she is and she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, only it's very clear that she very much cares what other people think of her. I'm afraid I'm going to blow up and tell her off. She's one of those people who can't take a hint and gets offended when you say it straight. I do not like this situation at all.

But, I had a great time with Stephanie and I am getting together with her again this week. She has an english degree and she loves history (and her husband is Russian, real Russian, like only lived here since he was 18), so she's agreed to go over my dissertation proposal with me. And my husband said he will try to e-mail me everyday so I don't feel bad. So, that's about it. Any advise?

Lenin's ghost

I need to start by saying a gigantic thank you to some truly remarkable giving people. I don't think I could have gotten through this time without Camille and Sarah. Thank you guys so much for all the help and understanding you've given me.

This is my 350th blog.

Observation about this area of Virginia. This area has 6 military bases (maybe more). I've discovered there are two type of guy haircuts: military and mullet. Someone please explain this to me. Please. I saw a guy the other day with feathering that would have put Charlie's Angels to shame. And he was wearing a muscle shirt. I felt like buying him a calendar so he could see that it was 2006.

I finally heard from my husband. He wanted to let me know he was ok, so not to worry. I wasn't worried: I was pissed. But he said he hasn't even had time to check e-mail. Um-hm. He's going to have to work on that.

I am inspired, motivated, excited about finishing my dissertation proposal. Not really, but I'm trying to get that way. Here is something that truly inspires me.

I'm frustrated

with school, with my husband, I guess just with life. Every time I feel like I've taken a step forward I end up going five steps backwards. I don't know if I can do this dissertation thing. I don't know if I can do this marriage thing. I just don't know what I was cut out to do.

Sean doesn't get what I'm writing my dissertation about. Total frustration because I thought the whole thing was getting more clear, not more confusing. I'm mad because I can't articulate myself the way I would like. I'm mad because I don't understand "simple" things like historiography. I'm mad because my advisor is not doing her job. And I'm mad because if I were in Madison, this would be done by now.

I still haven't heard from my husband, but other navy wives have heard from theirs. I feel like e-mailing him and telling him there is a reason his last wife cheated on him. It's because she felt deserted. I feel deserted physically and emotionally. How hard is it to just hit reply and say "I'm really busy, but I miss you a lot and I love you." Really, how hard could it be?

One day down

Today I cleaned 2.5 bathrooms (and found a half empty Dr. pepper can in the guest bathroom) and I washed the guest bedroom sheets. So at least I feel slightly more clean and organized. I also went to the gym and swam. I revamped this page too, and instead of just transferring all my stuff, it erased all my links. So if you noticed that your link was missing, or not working correctly, I apologize. I think that maybe they're all fixed now. At least I hope so.

Today I feel like I got a lot done, but yet when I look at it, I didn't get that much done. I reorganized the dissertation proposal and I rewrote the introduction. The introduction is a little over 2 pages. It took me two and a half hours to write. Hopefully I can re-use the majority of my proposal without rewriting the entire thing. Since I rewrote the introduction and the outline, I'm hoping the thing will practically write itself. (yeah, whatever.) I do feel more focused though, and that's important.

I still haven't received an e-mail from my husband yet. Now, this could be because the system on his ship is crappy. It's bad enough that he's going to be (eventually) gone for six months, but then not knowing when I'll be able to hear from him makes it worse. Although, I have to admit, that today, I kept thinking, "school stuff was so much easier before I was married. The library was right there, my friends were right there, and my advisor was there." I do miss my husband, but life is so much more complicated being married. I could do without the long visits from the in-laws. It's just too stressful, especially when the father in law is obviously from the generation where men sat on their asses and women did all the work. I've slept so good the past couple of nights. Although I'm still stressed out, it's a dealable stress, a normal stress. Sometimes I just wonder if I was cut out to be in relationships.

Smell that?

Yesterday I went to William and Mary university (college? I don't remember which), in Williamsburg. I want to work there. It is beautiful, well designed and planned and gorgeous. Unlike some campuses (cough, UW, cough), this one had obviously been planned even when it grew. All the buildings were made of the same type of material, (red or orange brick), same style (elegant) and I'm sure none of them were rumored to have been designed for Florida instead of WI weather (humanities), that the building was accidentally built upside down (humanities) or that the building was so hideous the architect commit suicide (humanities). (Yes, I was in the humanities building, by far the ugliest and most poorly designed building I have ever spent time in.) The campus felt peaceful and comforting. And it smelled like Christmas trees. It was just amazing. And the surrounding community was also beautiful. The library, likewise, had a huge computer area. Every individual area had enough space for at least two computers next to it, but the school decided not to crowd the students. And, (this is amazing to me) there were stacks of toilet paper and papertowels in the bathroom, but no one had stolen them!!! (yes, I thought about shoving a few toilet paper roles into my bag: graduate student habits die hard.) It was wonderful. I loved it.

Now, I have an empty (still filthy) house, but I have to calm down enough to figure out the best way to finish my to do list. Wes is getting back on Nov. 10th. The house needs to be majorly cleaned. I want to have my advisor approve (or at least say I will be able to finish by the end of the semester) my dissertation proposal. The main grant proposal is due on Nov. 15th. And of course, getting holiday plans and plane tickets and shopping and bills and all that other stuff. Thanks to Sarah and Sean I'm pretty sure I can get the dissertation proposal done. But it is hard work and sometimes is a little paralyzing. And I need to get back into a routine again, now that everyone is gone. That includes cleaning on a regular basis and exercise more often. I think that's about it.

It got cold last night. Really cold. I had to turn on the heater. That sucks. But, if I were in Wisconsin, I would have had to turn the heat on a lot sooner. So I guess life isn't all that bad. Well, I should get started on some reading that Sean suggested. A student's work is never done.