Note to Wes

When one of the ushers at church tells you your wife looks great and can you believe she just had a baby, the correct response is NOT, "it's been 6 months."

Moron.

The builder accepted our offer as it was. We have an appointment with the loan officer this week. We should know something by Wednesday and hopefully, start "building" by Friday.

Functionality

Due to the massive shredding that the Navy Bean did when she was born, Wes and I have not, um, been intimate since her birth. We were both fine with that at the beginning. He had to erase the visual of all that shredding and I had to heal. Only, I didn't heal right and the doctor didn't ok us to resume relations at my 6 week mark. I didn't end up having my lady bits cauterized, because I healed on my own, but they did do a minor procedure. They told me I should be ok to resume relations this Friday. Wes is counting down the minutes. Thankfully he is not here during the week, only the weekends, so it hasn't been quite as hard (HA!) to wait as it could have been. Me, however, that's a different story.

It's not that I don't want to have sex with my husband. It's just that having a baby has reminded that all the sexy parts, they also have functional purposes as well. The last thing I had in my vagina was the Navy Bean. If I dry my boobs off after a shower, they leak. Neither one of those things makes me think of, or desire, sex. And, after all that shredding, I am a little nervous too. So, I'm going to fake feeling like a sexual being again, and hope that my body is quickly reminded of how much fun sex can be. Maybe all it needs is a little reminder.

They had a crane!!!!

But they took the crane away before I could use it! I did manage to get on the ship though. Wes was very happy to see me, and I him. Since I don't have 10,000 words, I have a picture.

The long haul

Well, he's gone. The ship left this afternoon. Yesterday afternoon and last night Wes tore around the place, packing, ironing, freaking out. I took him to the ship last night. It took four trips from the car to the ship. It's always windy by the water, and it happened to be misting last night. And cold. The ramp is always dangerous, but wet, it was treacherous. Add armfuls of stuff, and it became suicidal. But we did it, and I didn't fall once (I slipped a couple of times though). I told Wes I would take him tomorrow, but he had to drive the ship out today (well, actually he just told everyone what to do, the guy who drove the ship is probably 18 and right out of high school. Doesn't that make you feel good?), so he wanted to make sure he was there early. I also asked if he wanted me to come for the farewell this morning, but he said no, because everyone would just be crying anyway (last night when I dropped him off, there was another sailor there saying good-bye to his kids, and his kids were sobbing, "please don't go daddy." It was horrible). He called me a couple of times this morning to say good-bye. And then I decided to clean the house.

The house is a mess. Like disgusting. I feel dirty being here. I figured that it would give me something to do after he left. I started washing dishes this morning and discovered I didn't have any SOS pads. This made me cry, because it was very sad. To cheer myself up, I decided to watch the video Wes made for me last night. But there was something wrong with it, and I couldn't watch it. That made me cry even harder, because that was WAY worse than not having a SOS pad. Then Wes called. The ship had been delayed, and the portable DVD player he had bought didn't work. Could I pick up another one and drop it off (and pick up the other one)? Sure. I flew to the ship because they could leave at any minute. I made it just as they were making the announcement that they were ready to leave. All the sailors were boarding. Wes couldn't come to greet me (he was getting ready to drive the ship), but he waved and told me he loved me. He looked so handsome in his dress blues (they dress up to leave). And he honked the ship's horn at me as I left (ok, I'm sure it wasn't at me, but he did honk it, and boy, was it loud).

The rest of the day, I cleaned and slept and talked on the phone. I also got a job for tomorrow, which is nice. I'm putting together a mental list of stuff to do while he's gone: read more, spring cleaning, play piano, stuff like that. Who knows if I'll really do any of it, but I'll try. And then, after diner, I decided to try one more time to figure out what was wrong with the video and, low and behold, I got them to work. It's a short video. He basically just tells me he misses me and loves, but that's enough. It's going to be a long six months.

Six Hours

Driving home from Texas, we had hoped to be able to relax a bit and see more. Only, Wes grossly underestimated the amount of time it would take to drive home and he forgot about the time change (we lost an hour). By day two, we were tired and cranky (ok, I was tired and cranky, he was only tired). The second evening, we saw a billboard for the Natural Bridge. We had been talking about visiting, but who really knew when we would get there. We decided to stop. We got a great military discount on a hotel room (as we did on all the hotel rooms we stayed at). That first night, we ate and then slept. We got up nice and early and began exploring. The Natural Bridge is so cool. It's huge and George Washington surveyed it before the Revolution. Thomas Jefferson bought it from King George III for about $2.40. It's taller than Niagara Falls and it's still growing. It was very cool.

Me, looking geeky, because we were also bird watching. We saw five new birds during an hour.

Us, next to a waterfall.

I've seen wild turkeys before, but never this close. There was a whole flock of them. We saw them fly and they gobbled at me when I got too close.

We also visited the caverns. That was pretty cool too.

Only a few blocks from home, we were greeted with this.

I'm so glad we stopped. If we had gone straight home, we would have been exhausted and pretty much just stared at each other or the TV the next day. Although our vacation was nice, we never got any "us" time. And with deployment coming up, we've been spending a ton of time with friends, family, the kids. But no "us" time. I'm glad we made time for it. Those six hours, they have to last me six months. Good thing they were a wonderful six hours.

Who has more fun?

I miss my husband. And while cleaning my bedroom, I realized that I STILL haven't worn my halloween costume for him yet. So I thought I'd try it on and make sure it looked good. What do you think? With or without the mask?

I've never had black hair, or long hair, for that matter. I've had ever other color, but never black. It doesn't look as bad as I thought it would. And now, I kind of want long hair, only my hair is so thin, it would never look this good. I guess a girl can dream.

I can't wait for my husband to get home.

Little lost bird

I was not subbing for sexual education when I uttered the words "oral activity." I was subbing for Spanish. There was a question about why they had to write an activity that was supposed to be oral. My answer, "you need to write it down even though it is an oral activity."

Today I saw the most beautiful bird I have ever seen (well, maybe. I've seen a lot of beautiful birds). I've linked to it above. It must have been lost though, because it's not really supposed to be here, and it was all by itself. But it posed for me and let me watch for quite some time.

It's my anniversary today. The kids are here, as is Wes's dad. I made a HUGE meal, but forgot the wine. It has been a good day.

Dinner conversation

Over dinner, my husband and I discussed the end of the world, in relation to the Book of Revelations. I tend to be more of a literalist than my husband. He believes in alien life-forms and that even if the earth is destroyed, we will have colonized space first. I said that space is probably already filled with other, more intelligent life-forms. He replied that they were probably having this exact conversation right now. I replied that no, that they were probably tela-pathetic. Then I fell off my chair laughing so hard that I cried while my husband mocked me. We have great dinner conversations.

Tonsilwhatis?

Backstory: Wes's parents had health insurance when he was growing up, so he had his tonsils removed. My parents didn't and were told that wrapping dental floss around my oft infected tonsils, in an attempt to remove them, would be considered child abuse. I still have tonsils.

Him: Have you figured out what you have?
Me: Well, I have giant white patches on my tonsils and throat, so I think it's probably tonsillitis.
Him: What is that? Are you going to go to the doctor?
Me: It's an infection of the tonsils. I'm not going to go to the doctor because it's a virus, so they can't do anything anyway.
Him: I don't have tonsils.
Me: I know.
Him: So I can't get it, right?
Me: Well, since it is a virus, you could probably still get it. It would just settle in a different part of your body.
Pause
Him: Like my testicles?
Me (in all my sarcastic glory): Yes, it could settle in your testicles and then they would have to cut them off.
Him: I think I'll just kiss you on the cheek until you feel better.

Butterflies

I was just lying in bed, trying to sleep, but too excited to do so. I keep running through the list of things in my head. Is the house clean enough? What outfit should I wear? What shoes should I wear? What should I make for dinner tomorrow night? Did I forget anything? I have painted my toenails AND my fingernails (I haven't painted them in years). I will shave tomorrow morning and remember to pick up ice-cream at the store. I can't wait to see my husband. I want to show him my new afghan, my plants, how far I've read in my book, my new computer game, the wedding pictures. Like a little kid I want to show off the good things I've done and hear how wonderful and good they are. And they will be. He won't find fault with anything. He will praise everything I show him. The house could be a mess, but it would be clean enough for him. I could serve up a frozen meal, and that would be fine. I could show up in a potato sack, and he would still think I was beautiful. All he wants, all he needs, is for me to be there, waiting for him. He needs to see my excitement in my eyes as the smile spreads across my face when I see him. He needs me to run into his arms and laugh and cry and hold him and tell him how much I missed him, how much I love him, how I never want him to leave again. He needs me to constantly touch him all night, to make sure it really is him. He just needs me. And because of that, I want to give him all the rest. I want to be the most intelligent, patient, gentle, beautiful, talented, creative, wonderful, loving wife in the world. Because I think he is the most intelligent, patient, gentle, beautiful, talented, creative, wonderful, loving husband in world. Because he truly loves me, for me. Something I never thought possible. I can't wait for tomorrow.

My sister is a Mrs.

My sister got married last Saturday. It was perfect and beautiful. Everything went well. Here's a few pictures, because to be honest, the day was kind of a blur.

This is my brother, my sister and me. The wedding colors were black and hot pink (hence the tie). My brother usually has this thing growing on his face that looks like a goat chin (not a goatee, a goat). He shaved it for my sister. Unfortunately I didn't get a good picture of Elise with her new husband.

This is me with my parents. Doesn't my mom look beautiful. Just about everyone fought back tears at the wedding. Justin's dad was the best man and at one point we were both tearing up, but then he caught my eye and winked at me. After that both of us felt fine.
I got to spend time with the most handsome boy at the wedding. But he's a little shy.
There's the little Phoenix. He was so good and so cute. He handed out Hershey kisses to all the pretty girls in the room, and then he handed them out to everyone. He found out that my mom hadn't gotten a piece of cake yet (the cake was pink with black polka-dots), so he got her a piece. "Nana, you stay right there until I get back. I'll get you cake. Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back." He's so cute! He danced all night too! We also had a photo booth, like the ones in the mall. It was a hit but Phoenix really loved it. He was just walk right in, no matter who was in there, but he was too short to show up if he wasn't picked up, so people let him in. Then he gave them instructions. "Ok, there's going to be four pictures." It was a wonderful day and weekend. My sister and Justin looked so happy and in love. Now I just need a week of sleep!

My husband's back!!!

Wes got back yesterday. I was nervous but everything went well. It's almost like he never left. He was a gentleman and didn't expect sex the second he arrived, which is nice because after him being gone for almost 5 months I needed to just be with him for awhile first. He ate like he hadn't eaten the entire time he was gone. He complimented me on how clean the house was (notice I said was: there is now a ton of his stuff everywhere). After we finally said "hello" (after a long shower on his part because he stank), I announced I had done my part in dressing up to pick him up and was reverting back to sweats. He laughed. He fell asleep at 8:30pm and was up at 5:00am. He took another nap this afternoon too. Hopefully he'll still be able to sleep tonight. Tomorrow we leave for Rhode Island. Monday I come back by myself. He'll be gone three more weeks, but at least I got to see him.

Onward!

I went to the doctor yesterday. It's one of those places that first come, first serve, so you sign in and then wait the rest of the day. Thankfully I also take reading material with me. The doctor was very nice. She listened to me and then gave me a 30 day prescription for Zoloft, which I was on in 2000 when I was suicidal. But I have to go back in two weeks to let her know how I'm doing and she wouldn't renew the prescription if I didn't go to therapy. I'm not thrilled about that part, but I also don't like doctors who prescribe anti-depressants without making sure patients go to therapy (studies show that you need both to really kick depression in its ass). She also encouraged me to get involved in local clubs to socialize more. So thank you doctor for doing you job correctly and with compassion.

I have so many wonderful friends (and I haven't figured out how that happened), but unfortunately they have all declined my suggestion that they move to Virginia Beach (but it's so pretty here!). So yesterday I pulled out the little Botanical Gardens calendar. There's a walk I want to participate in next Tuesday and there are 2 (two!) birding events in May. The gardens even have nature photography classes, as well as Tai Chi in the gardens. I think becoming a member was a very good idea. I think I could really meet people I like out there. And everyone could use more friends.

My husband will be home in a week. From yesterday. I'm nervous and excited. Yesterday I spent 1 1/2 hour cleaning our garage. It's not that he's going to look in the garage, but I couldn't even get the recycling can out (and it was completely full) and since I have read so many books lately, I wanted to unpack some more books. Now the garage is clean and organized (although you still couldn't fit a car in there). Today I will clean the 2.5 bathrooms (it feels like 3 full bathrooms when you're cleaning them) and the kitchen. Tomorrow the office and the kids' room, Friday the living room and Saturday our bedroom. Sunday and Monday I will just chill out and panic about forgetting about something (no, I don't know what yet, you'll just have to wait until then). I had gone out and bought several cute summer tops and some killer 4 inch sandals, but, of course, now it's too chilly to wear something like that (we haven't reached 60 in almost two weeks). He's going to freeze because he's been in Africa all this time. I guess I'll just have to keep him warm.

I love my husband

First I want to say thank you for all the supportive comments, e-mails and phone calls. I really appreciate it and it's nice to know I'm loved. Second, you know how every guy you've dated tells you no one could love you like they do? When my husband says it, I know it's true. Wes called today. The e-mail has been down on the ship and I haven't been able to communicate with him in a couple of days. He has noticed that I haven't been doing to well. Today the conversation began with me bursting into tears. I told him I'm depressed and I want to get on medication and I don't want to have a baby right now, I want to wait until next year. And I waited for the typical guy response: I'll be home in a week so you won't be depressed anymore and I want a baby now. What I got was: I love you so much and I'm so sorry you're depressed. I'll love you and be happy with you even if you decide you don't want any children. I'm just happy being married to you and your happiness is all that I want. If you think you need medication than go to the doctor and get medication. I'll be home in a week and I can't wait to just hold you and love you. I hope you didn't worry about what I would say because I would never be mad at you for telling me how you feel. We're married and that's what people are supposed to do. That response alone made me feel better.

I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I went back and read my blog and realized I suffer from depression more often than I wanted to admit. When it was just me and my poor friends listening to me bitch, then I could suffer through it. But now I'm a wife and a step-mom. My depression has negatively impacted every relationship I have ever been in and I don't want to mess up my marriage too. Not only is depression a "normal" part of my life, but my life has changed significantly this past year. I got married, became a step-mom, moved across the country, where I haven't made any friends yet, left my life-long dream behind, and my husband has been gone since Thanksgiving. I think it's probably ok that I'm depressed. Now I just have to take care of it.