MRI saga

today I had my MRI. A number of things went wrong.

The exit I was supposed to take was under construction and closed. The exit the signs said to take were not marked with detour signs after exiting. I finally figured it out, but I was about 15 minutes late.

Signing in and filling out paperwork was easy. But then they told me to take out my earrings. I had managed to get out 7 of my earrings, but I couldn't get out the one right next to my head in my lobe and my cartilage. The nurse helped me get out the ones in my lobes but we couldn't figure out how to get the other ones out. The doctor told me to come back at 8:00pm tonight after I had gotten them out. I went out to my car and was about to leave when the nurse came running out telling me they had found wire cutters. So she cut out my other pair of earrings. I feel so naked without my earrings, they have never been out. I then went back out to my car to leave and the nurse came running out again. She commented that she needed to lose weight. I hope she did because she was so nice. The person who was supposed to go after me hadn't shown up yet, so they would do me then.

For the MRI they put they put this cage thing over my head. I felt like Hannibal Lector. You're not supposed to move at all. It was like some weird science fiction ride at Busch gardens or something. They give you ear plugs too. The machine made some of the weirdest noises I've ever heard. And it vibrated a lot too. I just tried to pretend on was on a ride to keep from moving. Finally it was finished, only it wasn't. They had to insert some liquid into my veins and then do the whole thing all over again. But it wasn't that bad and I didn't cough at all. I have been coughing all afternoon though. I hope it doesn't last long.

It's all good

My finger is recovering nicely. At first we thought the dangling flap of skin would fall off (it's about the size of a tic tac) but now it looks like it has re-adhered itself. It still hurts if I touch it too hard, but for the most part, it is usable.

We had the kids for thanksgiving and we had ham. No one likes turkey enough for me to have 17lbs of left-overs. So now I only have 7lbs of left-over ham. I made photo-albums for the kids and they really liked them. They wanted to know why there were only two pictures of me. That would be because I'm the one taking all the pictures. But it made me happy that they wanted more pictures of me. They also promised to come visit me when Wes is gone. His ex is cool and said I could come visit them any weekend I wanted and stay there. I'll also get to have them here. I get them for Christmas too and my parents are very excited that there will be kids for Christmas. I'm excited too, although nervous about flying with kids, especially since they're not mine and we have different last names.

Allison also asked for a little sister. Apparently she had asked her mom and her mom told her she was old (she's 4 or 5 years older than me) and to ask me. Thanks. Even though I'm not in school anymore I still haven't been bit by the kid bug. We'll discuss it when Wes gets back.

Now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll start with some serious cleaning and organizing. And relaxing and reading. I'm fighting a cold too, causing me to break out the vitamin C. I'm getting together with a friend tomorrow for dinner and a movie. Right now, all things considered, it's all good.

Do Not Try This At Home

or anywhere else either.


This would be the incorrect way to use a food processor. No, I did not put my finger in it when it was on. Regardless of how stupid my advisor thinks I am, I'm not that dumb. But, I did reach in there to remove a piece of jammed onion without removing the blade first. That was pretty stupid. And painful. And I'm really impressed with how well I type without my right index finger.

Quick update. The kids are here for the week: so far, so good. Wes will be gone by the end of the month. I had my neurologist appointment. He thinks I'm just having migraines from stress (stress, what stress) and gave me samples of an anti-depressant/anxiety drug. I can't wait until they kick in. I'm also having an MRI next week, just to make sure there's not anything else wrong. No one has called about a job yet, but that's ok. I finished a Smithsonian magazine. It was from April 2004 so I'm farther behind than I thought.

Thanks to everyone for the e-mails and calls of support. It's meant a lot to me to know that so many people care about me and don't think I'm stupid or a quitter. I have been thinking about my next move, but my husband (probably wisely) suggested I just enjoy this time for awhile before thinking about going back to school (yes, I can't stay away).

I truly have much to be thankful for. I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving.

Just guess

Guess whose husband is leaving next week and will be gone for six months?
I know this one!!! That would be MY husband!!!
Guess who is no longer a UW doctoral student?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Guess who has to get up at 5:00am on Friday to get a Will made, in case her husband is killed while he's gone for six months?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Guess who is going to the neurologist next week to find out why she's having headaches in which the left side of her face goes numb, she loses vision in her left eye, and sometimes it feels like there's railroad stakes going through her left eye through the back of her head (like right now)?
I know this one too!!! It's me!!!
Guess who, at age 32, just got kick dropped by a bitch of an advisor and now, after 12 years in college, doesn't know what she's going to do with her life?
That one's easy! It's me again!!!

Wasn't that a fun game!!! Only it's not a game; it's my life.
I'm trying to stay positive about all of this, but it's really hard sometimes. It's hard to know that within the last 10 months I've gotten married, moved across the country, become a step-mom, lost my life dream and now my husband's leaving for six months and the only two people I consider friends in VA are also leaving. All my friends have been very great and supportive throughout this whole ordeal that has become my life. I'm very thankful for that and for my friends. But in some ways, this is still something I have to do by myself.

Things I can now do that I never had time to do when in graduate school:
Catch up on my Smithsonian subscription. I am currently 2 years behind in my magazine reading. Now I know that "normal" people would just throw them out, but the fact that I spent 12 years in college should have already proven that I am not normal.
Read lots and lots of novels. And not feel guilty about it.
Strangely, I want to read history books. But not about Russia. I know very little about the rest of the world. I think I'll just start checking out general history books at the library. I think that would be fun.
I can cook!!! If you have read this blog for any amount of time you know that I often complain about not having time to cook. I now have time to cook.
Learn more about finance. My husband is really interested in stock, options, and futures. I should learn about them to keep him from losing all our money (just kidding. He wouldn't lose ALL of it).
I would love to learn more about bird watching and photography. I know this area has clubs for both and with my free time (since my husband will be gone) maybe I can do that and meet people.
Try to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I sent out two job applications yesterday. They were for community colleges. Today I think I am going to look into substitute teaching at highschools. I think teaching highschool (not subbing, but being a teacher) might actually pay more and offer more benefits than community colleges. And who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it.
Spend more time with my plants and learn about them. I'm not even sure what some of them are.
Learn to play piano again.
I guess this list is long enough for now.

Today I have a ton of stuff to do and I don't want to do any of it. I really just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day. But, this is the last day my husband works before he leaves, and I'm putting together a photo album for him from the kids. I guess I should do that today, because I really don't think he knows. I'm also making ones for the kids. And the house is a mess. Sometimes, it doesn't really matter though. Hope everyone has more direction than I do.

As promised

Pictures of Washington DC

These are the flowers that Wes ordered for me.

You should know what this is.

The only picture of us together.

The view from our hotel room.

This was one of the cool flowers at the botanical gardens.

I'll post more later.

The interruption of my life schedule

I finally spoke to my advisor today. After telling me for 30 minutes that I can't write, she basically told me to quit. She tried putting a nice spin on it: "Stacy, you're such a good teacher and positions at the Ph.D level are so competitive anyway that you'll probably end of teaching someplace you don't need a Ph.D." Yes, I'm upset that she thinks it will take forever for me to write a dissertation. Yes, I'm upset that she thinks my dissertation will not be good enough to get a job at a "real" university or college. But, part of being a "grown up" (which I became when I re-married and gained step-children) is figuring out when things just aren't going to work out the way you want them to and letting go gracefully. I'm not saying that I'm just going to quit; I'm saying I really do need to think about the situation. It's not just me anymore. I can put "life" on hold for myself and it doesn't hurt anyone. Putting "life" on hold for my family is a different story. We want more kids and a house and while I'm playing student those things aren't really attainable. And I'm tired of being a student. I'm tired of feeling like life is passing me by. I'm tired of being tired all the time and of having constant headaches. I want to read a book for fun. I want to relearn how to play the piano. I want to become more active in my community. I want to learn about more than just Russian history and right now I don't feel like I have time for any of it. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever consider going back for my Ph.D. I'm just saying that maybe right now it's not the right time. Maybe it's time for something completely different that I never planned for.

Stupid computer

I have a ton of pictures, but for some reason, my computer refuses to accept them from my camera (like they're a crappy gift or something). So I'll just write about the parts of the weekend I don't have pictures for and then post the pictures after my husband fixes this for me.

We had a wonderful weekend. We travel very well together and have very similar interests (except for him dragging me to the postal museum because he collects stamps and they had on display the only two known stamps of this one printing. And that museum was way far away and we walked it after walking all day. We pretty much limped to the hotel after that). We also managed to get to a ton of stuff. And somehow, we only managed to get one picture of us together the entire weekend. We even dressed up to go to the Kennedy Center and we didn't get a picture of that. We're pathetic.

On Friday we started with the Holocaust museum because we knew it would be depressing and we didn't want to end with it. Wes really doesn't know that much about the Holocaust (only what they taught in highschool) so he found it very interesting and very sad. We then went to the Freer museum which was Asian art. After that, the Natural History museum to see the Hope Diamond (and other jewelry that Wes promises to buy me) and the insect exhibit. After that, we walked all the way to the postal museum. And then back. We then enjoyed a very good meal with a bottle of wine and dessert. Hey, we were on vacation and we walked a lot.

Saturday we slept in a bit. Then we went to the Smithsonian sculpture garden where we took a ton of pictures (and got the only one of us). Then we went to the US National Art Gallery (or something like that) and went through their sculpture garden. The Smithsonian's was better. We went to the Art Gallery and walked through more than half a wing and got tired (and hungry). After we ate we went to the Botanical Garden (where we took a ton more pictures). The Botanical garden was really cool, but they didn't have a gift shop or anything, which was a bit weird.

That night we went to the Kennedy Center. Wes and I met in highschool band, so we both enjoy classical music. We saw the National Symphony Orchestra, directed by Leonard Slatkin. They played two short works (Wagner and Bruch) and two longer works (Mozart and Beethoven). We splurged and bought expensive tickets so we were in row K, dead center. There were three rows of "box" seats on the stage, directly facing the audience. I commented that I wouldn't want those seats because 1) the sound would be distorted, 2) everyone could watch you. After the first three works was intermission. It was freezing in the concert hall, so I thought it a bit strange that the woman sitting dead center, first row in the "box" seats on the stage had removed her jacket and was wearing a sleeveless shirt and was still fanning herself with her program. The final performance was Beethoven's Symphony No. 2 in D major. There were four movements played. During the third movement, the woman's companions began fanning her vigorously as she began slumping in her seat. Finally, they tried to get her out, but she was in the front row (directly over the stage with a very short "wall,") and she looked like she had passed out, so this was difficult. During this time the break between the third and the final movement occurred and the director waited for these people to leave. After several minutes, he turned to the audience and asked "Is there a doctor in the house?" When the audience began to laugh he said "no, seriously, I think that lady needs a doctor." About 10 minutes later the movement was finished and as we were leaving an ambulance pulled up. We never found out what was wrong with her.

Sunday we visited the Smithsonian modern art museum and part of the Air and Space museum (most notably the food court and the gift shop). Then we went home. All in all, a much-needed wonderful weekend. As of now, I still have not heard from my advisor, which is starting to worry me. I'm trying not to think about it while cleaning my house and preparing my grant application. I'll post pictures as soon as the computer is fixed. Hope you all had as good a weekend as I did.

Happy, happy, joy, joy

No, I haven't heard from my advisor yet (actually, I haven't checked my e-mail yet because I didn't want to ruin my good mood yet). But, my husband came home yesterday, 10 days early. And. . . he has a three day weekend!!! We're going to Washington DC!!! I just booked the hotel (right on the river, less than 2 blocks from the Smithsonian). I'm just so excited I can't sit still. I'm going to go shopping for a dress to have dinner in (no, I actually don't own any non-summery nice dresses). I have only been to DC once in my life, and I was 15 years old. I can't wait! I'm excited! Even if I get bad comments back from my advisor, I don't really care right now.

Inspiration

Camille wanted to know why I consider Lenin motivational. I'm going to answer this question in a very long, round-about way, and I may never actually answer the question. I hate it when people ask me why I study history (even though I do it to others). It's like asking someone why their favorite color is blue instead of green. It just is and I just do. Even though I constantly bitch about what I do, I love it and can't imagine doing anything else. I'm lucky. I'm in a position where I know what I want to do and I can do it. There are certain things we will never know about history, no matter how much research is done. Example: how did Hitler manage to kill 2/3 of Europe's Jewish population? And no, I don't mean the mechanism: we know that. What I mean is: how did he come to the conclusion that beyond just "regular" anti-semitism it made perfect sense to actually try to exterminate a population? How did he manage to gain popularity and finally convince the rest of Europe that it was no big deal? There are hundreds, if not thousands, of books about this. None of them will ever be able to adequately answer the question. Also, it's pretty clear that there are evil people in history. Hitler and Stalin and Mao and Pol Pot instantly come to mind (in addition to those dictators in Africa). But Lenin, he's in a gray area. He was brilliant. And he believed Marxism. Yet he was pragmatic. But was he power hungry? Did he really think Russia would reach communism and lead to world revolution? Would history have been different if Lenin had lived? We will never know. He gave such hope to people. Hope that their lives would be different than their parents and grandparents. Hope that their children would be educated and have living wages. Hope that the future would be heaven on earth. And yet, Stalin happened. How, why? And, would Lenin have actually been any different? So maybe it's not Lenin himself that inspires me as the hope he gave to people. And he had to grace to die before the worse parts of socialism could be attached to his name. He is a mystery in a way the evil of Stalin or Hitler is not a mystery. That's why he fascinates me. Because we will never really ever know.

Sometimes I hate this blog. I've been trying to post pictures for 2 days, but it's not working. Sucks. Maybe I shouldn't even blog. Frustrating. I don't know what the problem is. Finally, I got one picture to post. About time. Anyway, I just e-mailed my advisor a copy of my dissertation proposal. I'm really nervous about that and I hope she likes it: but I doubt it. I miss sharing an office with my friends, so after an event like this, we can sit around and they would make me feel better. And we would laugh. I miss laughing with Tiffany and Nadia and taking walks down State street with Holly. I miss Madison.

I do have a new friend, Stephanie, but she's leaving at the end of November until the guys return in May. That sucks too. I did talk to the captain's wife about crazy Dee. She said I should try to talk to Dee when she's not drunk and just tell her that I was very uncomfortable with her behavior. Then, when I have to get rude the next time I see her because she'll still be insane, I won't feel bad, because I would have already tried to talk to her in a calm and rational manner. Fun times. But please, how many adults physically grab another adult and demand to know "why don't you like me?" Crazy.

Crazy Dee

She's baaaaaaaaack! Yesterday one of the three Stephanies decided to have brunch at her house for the officers' wives. I really like Stephanie (and the other Stephanie) but they're both leaving in December for various reasons and that kind of sucks. Stephanie had already asked me and the other Stephanie to stay after everyone was gone to just hang out. I showed up right on time and start helping with stuff because she has got a spread going. Her place is also beautiful and I'm jealous, but that's something all together different (think place with character, not cookie-cutter). Anyway, Dee shows up about a half hour later and promptly starts drinking. I had taken a 1.75L bottle of vodka over for bloody marys. I took a shot right away (I needed it) and then used a cup for the drinks. That was it (remember this point in a moment).

Anyway, the brunch started out very well and everyone had a great time. There was a screened in porch that was just so relaxing to sit in and talk. But someone kept interrupting and talking and being, quite frankly, rude. Stephanie finally left because she couldn't take it anymore. The other Stephanie, who couldn't leave, was clearing annoyed and ready for "everyone" to leave, because when the other Stephanie left, it was just me, her and Dee. I acted like I was going to leave too, hoping that would encourage Dee to leave. Stephanie even said, oh, it's too bad everyone has to leave, it was such a nice party. It was also three in the afternoon. Dee looks right at Stephanie and says, Don't worry, I'm not leaving. Since she wasn't leaving, I stayed too. About 20 minutes later, Stephanie flat out stated she had a headache and she needed to put her baby down for a nap. Dee stayed another 25 minutes. And it gets worse.

Thinking about this now, it was bad, but still, what were we to do? Dee got right into my face and blocked my path from leaving (I was pretending to go). She demanded to know why I didn't like her and why I couldn't come to her house right now to hang out with her and get drunk. She reeked. Later I looked at the bottle of vodka, and it was half gone. She even grabbed me though. And when I tried to explain that I have stuff to do, like a dissertation proposal, she blew it off like I was making it up. She then went on to tell me how much she respects me and what I'm doing before she began trivializing everything I said I needed to do. I finally made it out to my car, only to have her get between me and the car (after my car door was open) and do the whole thing again. I had to promise to call her this week so we can get together next weekend. She finally left after that. I got in my car, drove around the block and then hung out for another couple of hours. But I did go to bed really, really early, even for me, because she drained me so much emotionally.

What do I do? She seems to really like me. But she has to be better, richer, prettier, smarter, busier and have had a harder life, than every one else. And she trivializes everything everyone says. She scares me. Do I call the captain's wife and talk to her about it? I know Dee is drinking and driving (that's the bad part I was talking about) but she scares me so badly I didn't know how to address the situation (I also hadn't really thought of it until after she was gone, because I was trying to get away). I will have to see her again. She had asked me if I like her and I told her she was very overbearing for me. She went into a rant about that's who she is and she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, only it's very clear that she very much cares what other people think of her. I'm afraid I'm going to blow up and tell her off. She's one of those people who can't take a hint and gets offended when you say it straight. I do not like this situation at all.

But, I had a great time with Stephanie and I am getting together with her again this week. She has an english degree and she loves history (and her husband is Russian, real Russian, like only lived here since he was 18), so she's agreed to go over my dissertation proposal with me. And my husband said he will try to e-mail me everyday so I don't feel bad. So, that's about it. Any advise?

Lenin's ghost

I need to start by saying a gigantic thank you to some truly remarkable giving people. I don't think I could have gotten through this time without Camille and Sarah. Thank you guys so much for all the help and understanding you've given me.

This is my 350th blog.

Observation about this area of Virginia. This area has 6 military bases (maybe more). I've discovered there are two type of guy haircuts: military and mullet. Someone please explain this to me. Please. I saw a guy the other day with feathering that would have put Charlie's Angels to shame. And he was wearing a muscle shirt. I felt like buying him a calendar so he could see that it was 2006.

I finally heard from my husband. He wanted to let me know he was ok, so not to worry. I wasn't worried: I was pissed. But he said he hasn't even had time to check e-mail. Um-hm. He's going to have to work on that.

I am inspired, motivated, excited about finishing my dissertation proposal. Not really, but I'm trying to get that way. Here is something that truly inspires me.

I'm frustrated

with school, with my husband, I guess just with life. Every time I feel like I've taken a step forward I end up going five steps backwards. I don't know if I can do this dissertation thing. I don't know if I can do this marriage thing. I just don't know what I was cut out to do.

Sean doesn't get what I'm writing my dissertation about. Total frustration because I thought the whole thing was getting more clear, not more confusing. I'm mad because I can't articulate myself the way I would like. I'm mad because I don't understand "simple" things like historiography. I'm mad because my advisor is not doing her job. And I'm mad because if I were in Madison, this would be done by now.

I still haven't heard from my husband, but other navy wives have heard from theirs. I feel like e-mailing him and telling him there is a reason his last wife cheated on him. It's because she felt deserted. I feel deserted physically and emotionally. How hard is it to just hit reply and say "I'm really busy, but I miss you a lot and I love you." Really, how hard could it be?

One day down

Today I cleaned 2.5 bathrooms (and found a half empty Dr. pepper can in the guest bathroom) and I washed the guest bedroom sheets. So at least I feel slightly more clean and organized. I also went to the gym and swam. I revamped this page too, and instead of just transferring all my stuff, it erased all my links. So if you noticed that your link was missing, or not working correctly, I apologize. I think that maybe they're all fixed now. At least I hope so.

Today I feel like I got a lot done, but yet when I look at it, I didn't get that much done. I reorganized the dissertation proposal and I rewrote the introduction. The introduction is a little over 2 pages. It took me two and a half hours to write. Hopefully I can re-use the majority of my proposal without rewriting the entire thing. Since I rewrote the introduction and the outline, I'm hoping the thing will practically write itself. (yeah, whatever.) I do feel more focused though, and that's important.

I still haven't received an e-mail from my husband yet. Now, this could be because the system on his ship is crappy. It's bad enough that he's going to be (eventually) gone for six months, but then not knowing when I'll be able to hear from him makes it worse. Although, I have to admit, that today, I kept thinking, "school stuff was so much easier before I was married. The library was right there, my friends were right there, and my advisor was there." I do miss my husband, but life is so much more complicated being married. I could do without the long visits from the in-laws. It's just too stressful, especially when the father in law is obviously from the generation where men sat on their asses and women did all the work. I've slept so good the past couple of nights. Although I'm still stressed out, it's a dealable stress, a normal stress. Sometimes I just wonder if I was cut out to be in relationships.

Smell that?

Yesterday I went to William and Mary university (college? I don't remember which), in Williamsburg. I want to work there. It is beautiful, well designed and planned and gorgeous. Unlike some campuses (cough, UW, cough), this one had obviously been planned even when it grew. All the buildings were made of the same type of material, (red or orange brick), same style (elegant) and I'm sure none of them were rumored to have been designed for Florida instead of WI weather (humanities), that the building was accidentally built upside down (humanities) or that the building was so hideous the architect commit suicide (humanities). (Yes, I was in the humanities building, by far the ugliest and most poorly designed building I have ever spent time in.) The campus felt peaceful and comforting. And it smelled like Christmas trees. It was just amazing. And the surrounding community was also beautiful. The library, likewise, had a huge computer area. Every individual area had enough space for at least two computers next to it, but the school decided not to crowd the students. And, (this is amazing to me) there were stacks of toilet paper and papertowels in the bathroom, but no one had stolen them!!! (yes, I thought about shoving a few toilet paper roles into my bag: graduate student habits die hard.) It was wonderful. I loved it.

Now, I have an empty (still filthy) house, but I have to calm down enough to figure out the best way to finish my to do list. Wes is getting back on Nov. 10th. The house needs to be majorly cleaned. I want to have my advisor approve (or at least say I will be able to finish by the end of the semester) my dissertation proposal. The main grant proposal is due on Nov. 15th. And of course, getting holiday plans and plane tickets and shopping and bills and all that other stuff. Thanks to Sarah and Sean I'm pretty sure I can get the dissertation proposal done. But it is hard work and sometimes is a little paralyzing. And I need to get back into a routine again, now that everyone is gone. That includes cleaning on a regular basis and exercise more often. I think that's about it.

It got cold last night. Really cold. I had to turn on the heater. That sucks. But, if I were in Wisconsin, I would have had to turn the heat on a lot sooner. So I guess life isn't all that bad. Well, I should get started on some reading that Sean suggested. A student's work is never done.

I'm alooooooone!!!!!!!

I can sleep with my door open again and walk around naked if I want. I can sleep in late or go to bed early. I can eat when I want and what I want. I can shower for 45 minutes and take all the hot water. If I need to go to the library (like today) I can be gone until 9:00pm and not worry about cooking dinner for anyone. I can sweep the kitchen and not have to worry that when someone comes in from smoking they won't wipe their shoes. I can quit pulling cans out of the trash to transfer to the recycle bag (right next to the trash). Basically, I have the entire house to myself. The entire, absolutely filthy, house. It will take me all week to clean it. If I were actually going to clean it. I have stuff to do people. Lots and lots of important stuff that needs to be done NOW!!!

It's not that I wasn't glad that Wes's dad could visit before he left, it's just that he was here for a long time and I have a lot of deadlines for school right now. Wes kept saying, don't worry about dad, he doesn't care if you do homework and then everynight told me I wasn't spending enough time with him. I think my school work lost an average of 3 to 4 hours A DAY (add that up for an entire week) which really cost me a lot of work. In addition, my husband is not always the brightest of fellows, and so, when they returned from playing golf with the kids on Saturday, me staying home for those two hours to do laundry and clean, I did not appreciate that pretty much the first thing out of his mouth was that I needed to quit riding the kids and everyone thought I was an evil step-mom. EXCUSE ME?!? Apparently his dad didn't like the fact that during an hour and a half monopoly game I asked the kids a total of four times not to fold the money in half. And Victor was upset because that morning, after he had asked the same question five times in five minutes and had gotten the same negative answer AND he had tried to bang the door into his dad five times, I told him to go to his room and stay there until told. But for some reason Wes thought this had to be brought up because I was upsetting everyone. Then he got upset because I started to cry and told him I wasn't leaving the room until everyone left, if that was the way they all felt. Would he have been happier if I had said "Screw everyone, I am a bitch, get used to it?" He admitted later that it was stupid on his part to have brought it up that way, especially since he had defended me to his dad and Victor. He better have. And it was stupid of him to bring it up. (It also made me mad because Wes's dad had yelled at the kids in the car because he thought they were being too loud but they were only talking AND he told Victor several times to be careful with his legos so he wouldn't lose any pieces. How is that different than asking the kids to treat a game with respect?) So, I'm glad the weekend is over and everyone is gone. Well, I wish Wes was still here. He's gone for three weeks too and I miss him.

I wish Sarah were my advisor. I sent her a copy of my proposal and she wrote back promptly (which I'm still trying to figure out since she had been on a plane to go half way around the world). Not only promptly but she gave me good, solid advise (not, I don't like it, do it again). And she was encouraging. I actually feel really good about the whole thing, because I hadn't had any imput in such a long time I lost focus and she really helped me get back on track. And, this is funny, she pointed out several things that really didn't need to be in my proposal, things I didn't think needed to be there either. Only, my advisor wants them there. I think I'm going to write two drafts. One organized how my advisor suggested and the one suggested by Sarah. We'll see which one my advisor actually chooses.

Well, I really need to get going. I slept 10 hours last night (which was nice since I've had insomnia for more than week, averaging less than 5 hours of sleep a night) and I have a house to clean (it will wait) and a library to get to (doing that today). Hope everyone is doing well.

Dear Creepy Fat Gym Guy,

I would like to start by pointing out that I am a grown, adult, mature woman. I am not 6 or 9 or 14 or even 18. Therefore, while I was swimming approximately three times as fast as you, I was not impressed with your pathetic doggy style swimming where you had to stand up every three feet to breathe and then looked to see if I were watching you. If you had been one of my children, I would have clapped, but, you are not. I do not appreciate that, after only swimming three laps, you got into the jacuzzi and watched me swim for a while. And then went to the locker room for about 5 minutes, I'm praying to go to the bathroom, and then came back out. I really do not appreciate the fact that you then dove into the pool, even though there are multiple DO NOT DIVE signs posted. The splash did not impress me. And I do not know what you were thinking when you asked me if I wanted to race. We both already knew I could outswim you. Thankfully, when I said no, you went away.

However, you decided that when I was having a discussion with another grown up about a possible teaching position open at a real university in the area, which she was encouraging me to apply for, that you ran up to talk about teaching. I'm sorry your "friend" is such a crappy teacher that he may be fired and that he is apparently too stupid to figure out how to handle the situation. As the woman pointed out after you left, since there is teaching shortage, your "friend" must be the world's worst teacher anyway.

I REALLY do not appreciate that you were sitting in your truck when I left the gym and that you began to follow me. That kind of freaked me out. I do, however, appreciate the fact that when you realized I knew you were following me, that you did an illegal turn to no longer follow me. That was a smart move.

In conclusion, dear creepy fat gym guy, if you ever see me again, it would be in your best interest to ignore me since my husband, who works with weapons all day long, did not appreciate your attention towards me either.

Sincerely,
Stacia

Fall festival (now with goats!)

Since it was Victor's birthday this weekend, we went to the Fall Festival (ok, we probably would've gone even if it wasn't his birthday, but it made him feel special)

They had a petting zoo, where we got to feed the animals.

They had goats, llamas (which were really soft) sheep, chickens and other stuff.

They also had rides. I didn't go on the ferris wheel because we didn't have enough tickets. Yeah, that's my excuse.

afterwards we came home and the kids played with the new toys. Which means legos. It was a great weekend. Now I'm tired and my father-in-law is here so I am trying to be a good hostess while still working on my dissertation proposal.

The good, the sad, the silly and the totally unrelated

Wes managed to get a chunk of time off in November, so we will be able to have the kids the week of Thanksgiving and the weekend before that. Wes is very happy about that.

My friend Rene lost her baby. She didn't even know it until they did another ultrasound and found no heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in four weeks. She said that it's kind of creepy that she had probably lost the baby three weeks prior and still thought she was pregnant. Her and her husband are doing ok, but upset. Hopefully when they get to try again it won't take very long for her to get pregnant again and everything will go smoothly.


This is the third one of these that has grown in our "yard" area. Every time we look at it, we giggle and laugh like the mature adults that we are. I'll let you draw your own conclusion as to why we giggle.

Tomorrow is Victor's ninth birthday. I'm picking the kids up today. The presents are already wrapped, but when am I supposed to bake the cake? Their mom lets them stay up, on school nights, until 10:00pm. They are in first and third grade and Wes and I can't figure out for the life of us why they're up that late. But the point is that I always go to bed at 10:00pm, so I don't think I'll be making the cake after they go to bed. Maybe tomorrow morning??? And, Wes's dad may be appearing sometimes this weekend as well. Our place is spotless and you can get into, and walk freely, around the office. It is amazing. So I guess things are going well.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Reality smashes in my head

Last night Wes and I sat down to look at the calendar to figure out when his days off in November are. He is currently here until October 23rd and then leaves until Nov. 10th. They were told they would be here for 20 days in Nov. with a total of 12 days off. But they're leaving on Nov. 27th (for six months). That's only 15 days. And, Wes, unlike the rest of the crew, who will have 12 days off, will only have 8 days off, none of them on the weekend. That's fine for us, but that means he won't be able to see his kids before he leaves. Needless to say, neither one of us is happy. We'll have the kids the next two weekends and Tuesday (today is a holiday so he is home) Wes will discuss this with his boss and try to fix it. It's Navy procedure to have a total of 30 days in port before leaving and 14 days off. That's not going to happen. They weren't supposed to leave until next July. But, he should be able to see his kids. This just blows. We were supposed to have our wedding ceremony and reception last Saturday, but he was at work all day (we also lost our deposit). I guess that was ok because it was raining anyway. It just really sank in that time is moving fast and he'll be leaving soon. We may only be able to see each other once during that 6 months (his dad and I are going to go see him). Welcome to marrying someone in the Navy.

Sometimes I feel sorry for God

And sometimes I wonder about God's sense of humor. I mean, if he is God, the only God, the absolutely most powerful and all-knowing being in the entire universe and all the others universes as well, are we really the best he could come up with? Look at us! We are pathetic, apathetic, violent, angry, depressed and self-centered, just to name a few unappealing qualities. We were created to want to be united with him, yet even those who most loudly proclaim to love him and follow him commit the most inhumane, horrendous crimes, both imaginable and unimaginable. Why would God want to have anything to do with us? We slander his name, his cause, his love and we're destroying his creation, the earth and each other as fast as we possibly can. I really hope we are the very rough prototype and he's still working out all the kinks. I hope he sent whoever came up with the ideas of humans to hell. I hope next time it works out better. I hope God doesn't get mad at me for criticizing him because I'm angry with my own faults, apathy and insecurities. I hope God isn't lonely. I hope he's still willing to work with us. I hope he hasn't given up. I hope he can help.

I should add, I don't think God has a gender. I'm just too lazy to type he/she.