Sunday I e-mailed several places in VI to visit for the wedding site/reception. One of the places I wasn't all that excited about, because since I live out of state, and Wes is a guy who eats Navy food every day, there isn't a lot of opportunity to get a good caterer, and this place didn't provide food, just the room. And, they were morons in their e-mail. I had previously told them I lived out of state and then when I e-mailed them this weekend, I let them know I had contacted them previously and lived out of state. Their response, we don't do appointments on the weekends, how about Thursday. I sent a rude e-mail back. So that narrowed our reception/wedding site down to one. And the place sounds really good, and provided a ton of stuff. And I really liked it: until I got down to the part where in addition to the per person meal charge, decorating charge, set up charge, fuel surcharge, cake charge, administrative fee per person and all of this plus tax and 20% service charge, there is also a $2,000 room rental charge. That put us $2,000 over budget. If my family lived in VI and I lived in VI and my friends lived in VI, I would just rent the Legion and find a cheap caterer, because our families don't really care. But, since I don't live there, and Wes doesn't have the time, I actually suggested to Wes we cancel the wedding. I was a mess yesterday. I told him that with my pre-lims, I just don't have the time or energy to worry about planning a wedding. He asked what was the worst thing that could happen if I failed the pre-lims. They could kick me out of the program. That would be it. My academic career would be over. I would probably never be a professor. I guess he didn't realized that, because when I told him, he said he would be stressed out too. So, we are going to the above mentioned place because maybe in person we could work something out, and we can spend the extra $2,000 (even though I don't really want to). But he doesn't want me to worry about any of this until my pre-lims are over. So now, I'm just going to worry about that.
I have a paper due from 2 1/2 years ago that I have got to finish this weekend. It's keeping me from working on pre-lim stuff. Once that is finished, I will feel much better. I have one other incomplete I need to finish, but the professor keeps changing her mind on what she wants me to do. I have to finish the Russian language requirement. That also really worries me. Then, the readings for the pre-lims. I'm going to out-line the previously asked questions, mostly because professors always ask variations of the same question. And I have to write a syllabus. After pre-lims, I have to write a dissertation proposal and defend it. Then I have to go to Russia for a month for research. Then I have to write grant proposals, most of those due in October. I'm moving to VI and getting married, but that will happen in between the Russian trip and the grant proposals.
I also talked to Wes about the stupid Charley dreams. He suggested that maybe I contact him and talk to him, but I don't want to. I'm just going to hope that as time and my new life go on, that he will fade into memory. I don't know why I feel any sort of obligation to him: he obviously didn't feel any towards me. But, I'm going to try not to think about it, and focus on my pre-lims. So now, I'm going to go work on that paper.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Monday, January 30, 2006
Nightmares
Recently I've been having a lot of weird dreams. I had a weird/disturbing one about my parents, I dreamt about hippos, and other strange stuff. But, I've also had several dreams about Wes and Charley. I guess now that we're engaged, it's to be expected. In the dreams, he is upset because it's Wes. You see, he once asked me to promise him that I would never date Wes and I did promise him that. But he also promised me he would quit smoking pot 24/7 and he didn't do that. Does that let me off the hook? In the dreams, it's not that I'm getting married, it's that it's Wes, well, and that I'm getting married. And I feel bad and guilty, but I don't offer any excuses or apologies. Because I'm happy and I love Wes. And I'm going to marry him no matter what Charley thinks. I don't know if Wes has talked to Charley lately. I know that he never called back at Christmas time, when Wes tried to see him. I wonder if I would feel better if Charley knew we were getting married. In the dream, part of the guilt is that I didn't tell him. But, I'm not calling my ex-husband to tell him I'm getting married, why should I call Charley? I know I probably have unresolved issues with Charley. But, as I learned with my ex-husband, sometimes things just stay unresolved, and sometimes the only closure you get is the closure you make yourself.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Gratitude
I was just reading my monthly issue of Smithsonian (I'm almost 2 years behind in my reading: talk about pathetic). But, one of the articles was about scuba diving and sea life and such, and a wave of gratitude just flowed over me. Why? Because both Wes and I want to learn to scuba dive. And it just reminded me about how lucky I am to have him. We are so similar. We have similar goals for our lives. We enjoy the same things. We love to travel, learning new things, cooking, art. It's just a good fit. But it's also more than that. Wes would consider it an honor to HIM if I changed my name after we got married, not a gift to me that he is allowing me to use his name. Wes wants a baby with me because he wants to see what MY baby would look like, not HIS baby. Wes wants me to succeed because that's what I want, not because it would make him look good. He is entirely selfless when it comes to me. His goal in our relationship is to make me happy. His goal is to love me more than anyone else has ever loved me. His goal is to make me feel like I'm the only person on the face of earth who he even sees (well, except his kids, but that's different). I'm so grateful for this because I wasn't sure if such a love truly existed or if I would ever get to experience it. He once asked me if I took him for granted because he was so selfless. My answer was that I've been with enough men that I would NEVER take for granted someone who treated me so well. I want to make him happy. I want to love him more than anyone else has ever loved him. I want to make him feel like he is the only person on earth I see. I love him so much. I am grateful.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Week Two
It appears I owe an apology to my largely freshman students. They aren't brilliant, and their comments are somewhat superficial, but they read and they discussed. Usually there's only 5 or 6 students in each class that talk. Not this group: they almost all talked. I was very impressed and I'm starting to look forward to this semester.
On another note, I had typed out a nice long blog and then the stupid server went down. And I'm tired, so I'm not doing it again. So, I miss you Camille. I wish you were here.
On another note, I had typed out a nice long blog and then the stupid server went down. And I'm tired, so I'm not doing it again. So, I miss you Camille. I wish you were here.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Week one
The first week of the semester is over. It went well, I guess. I got to see everyone and show off my ring. Everyone thinks it's beautiful. I met my students. One of the (four) classes I teach is at 8:50 in the morning. I have 18 students, and 14 of them are freshman. Only one student in that class is a history major. I'm sure this will be my favorite class ever (heavy, dripping, thick sarcasm). I have a ton of freshman. I told them that if they want good grades they have to do the work and come to class because if they didn't and then whined about a bad grade I would seriously hurt them. I'm sure they were thrilled with me. But, I didn't get much work done this week. This weekend, I'm going to plan everything and write everything on my calendar. Pre-lims start on April 3rd. That means I have to read all those books on those previously published lists and there was one list I still haven't posted because it's really, really long. I'm also still working on an incomplete, but that should be finished by the end of January. That leaves 2 months to finish all that reading. I can do it. Why? Because I have no social life. Oh, wait, I meant: Because I am amazing. Actually, this is when it's good that Wes isn't here. That leaves me lots of time to study.
Speaking of Wes, one of my friends asked me if we were going to start a family right away. This really bothered me. Was she commenting about my age (31) and therefore, the fact that my biological clock must be loud (it's not)? Turns out, that no, that's not what she meant. Had more to do with her current relationship problem and what she wanted out of it, than what I want out of mine. But I realized I should probably brace myself for all those busybodies who are going to ask about our reproductive plans (we're going to go to the mall and steal the cutest kid we see). Now you know and you don't have to ask.
Alright, got to get to all those books. Hope everyone has a happy weekend. If you're bored, let me know and I'll let you read some books for me ;)
Speaking of Wes, one of my friends asked me if we were going to start a family right away. This really bothered me. Was she commenting about my age (31) and therefore, the fact that my biological clock must be loud (it's not)? Turns out, that no, that's not what she meant. Had more to do with her current relationship problem and what she wanted out of it, than what I want out of mine. But I realized I should probably brace myself for all those busybodies who are going to ask about our reproductive plans (we're going to go to the mall and steal the cutest kid we see). Now you know and you don't have to ask.
Alright, got to get to all those books. Hope everyone has a happy weekend. If you're bored, let me know and I'll let you read some books for me ;)
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
center pieces
This is what my sister made me for Christmas. If you can't see them, they say faith, hope and love (it's a Bible verse). She chose those colors because Matisse is my favorite artist. (About five years ago I took her to an exhibit of Matisse and Picasso; thankfully she enjoyed it: it made me feel like a successful big sister). When I got them to my apartment, I looked at them, and liked them so much, that I called her and asked her to make a bunch to be the center pieces at my reception. They will be different sizes and fall colors instead, but they will still say faith, hope and love on them. The best thing, it's about a fourth of the cost of my budget for the center pieces. And, they can double as the wedding favors. I think we'll fill them with real fall leaves and maybe some seed packets or something. My sister is so excited that I asked her to do it, and I have one less thing to worry about.
Thank God school has started!!! Why? Not because I enjoy the stress and the uncomfortable library chairs, which I think are still the originals bought in the 1890s, but because it brings structure to my life. And I need structure. And it's not just me. All the graduate students I talked said the same thing. The strange part: I'm actually only in class 10 hours a week. But, that gets me to campus, and then I stay for 6 to 8 hours a day doing all the other stuff I need to do. Tomorrow I meet my new students. I can't wait. (that last part was utter sarcasm)
I guess that is actually it right now. I was hoping to go shopping yesterday, but I twisted my knee on Sunday, and could barely walk yesterday. Thankfully, it was sore today, but I could walk. Now, it's feeling much better, but I still can't do stairs. I hope it's completely better soon, because I wanted to start swimming this week.
hope everyone is healthy and happy.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Spring semester
Classes start on Tuesday. I am so unprepared. I have to meet with the professor I'm TAing for this semester. There will be three TAs because it's one of those large history courses that all liberal arts majors have to take. Since my Ph.D. is technically in Modern European history, this is a good course for me to TA because I will probably end up teaching something similar someday (if I ever get out of here). But I wanted to get a lot of other school related stuff done over winter break. I have a paper to finish that was due two years ago (and yet I'm a hardass about students turning in late stuff). I wanted to really read a lot of Russian language stuff. I wanted to read a ton of stuff for my pre-lims. I wanted to work on the syllabus I have to write as part of my pre-lim process. I wanted to begin working on my dissertation proposal. I didn't get any of it done. First there was that killer sinus infection. Then Christmas and a ton of family and friends. Then that stomach bug. Then the cold from hell. Then the trip to my grandparents. Once I got home, I cleaned and organized. I did start the rough draft for that overdue paper. So far I have 5 pages (I think the paper was supposed to be 20-25 pages). I will have it finished before the end of January. It's a crappy paper, but at least it will be done. I'm trying not to feel stressed out, but it's not working all that well.
Wes is also stressed and frustrated. He is currently working 16 hour days. He hasn't had time to do anything at home. He feels like he's not getting time with his kids. He can't check out wedding spots. And he's usually so tired when he gets home that we talk for less than a half hour before he collapses. He says next week should be the last week like this. I hope so. He starts classes soon too. Unfortunately, he will be at sea during my spring break. That really sucks. But, he should find out today if he gets a couple of weeks in September off. If the answer is yes, I think that will at least put him in a better mood. I know that most of his frustration comes from the fact that I'm not there. Just a little while longer and then I will be.
Thank God for Andrea. She is my matron of honor, and she got married this past summer, so she knows what she is doing. She sends me stuff everyday and has given me some great ideas. I ordered a couple of invitation catalogs yesterday and have started e-mailing places about the wedding and reception. Once school starts, a lot of this will have to be put on hold. I guess that's ok.
I put all my Christmas pictures up on-line yesterday. If anybody is interested, let me know, and I'll e-mail you the link. They're mostly of my nephew and Wes and I. There's some really cute ones of my nephew. He's just adorable!
Alright, it's almost 10 and I haven't done any school stuff yet. Hope you all have a great weekend.
Wes is also stressed and frustrated. He is currently working 16 hour days. He hasn't had time to do anything at home. He feels like he's not getting time with his kids. He can't check out wedding spots. And he's usually so tired when he gets home that we talk for less than a half hour before he collapses. He says next week should be the last week like this. I hope so. He starts classes soon too. Unfortunately, he will be at sea during my spring break. That really sucks. But, he should find out today if he gets a couple of weeks in September off. If the answer is yes, I think that will at least put him in a better mood. I know that most of his frustration comes from the fact that I'm not there. Just a little while longer and then I will be.
Thank God for Andrea. She is my matron of honor, and she got married this past summer, so she knows what she is doing. She sends me stuff everyday and has given me some great ideas. I ordered a couple of invitation catalogs yesterday and have started e-mailing places about the wedding and reception. Once school starts, a lot of this will have to be put on hold. I guess that's ok.
I put all my Christmas pictures up on-line yesterday. If anybody is interested, let me know, and I'll e-mail you the link. They're mostly of my nephew and Wes and I. There's some really cute ones of my nephew. He's just adorable!
Alright, it's almost 10 and I haven't done any school stuff yet. Hope you all have a great weekend.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Where's my sunshine?
This is what it looked like in Minnesota.
Yes, these pictures were taken during the day. This is the amount of sunshine I have gotten since I returned to Wisconsin almost two weeks ago. Now you all know why I am depressed. At least here, we don't have any snow. But, the snow is pretty. It didn't snow while we were driving, which was good.
On another topic: my mom needs help. My parents have been married for 28 years and my dad calls my mom three times a day. He is obviously in love with her. Yet, all she could do is worry whether my dad is still happy with her and if he will leave her for someone else. She gets all depressed and sad. I think she needs counseling. She has been like this practically since they got married. Now, her first marriage, to my biological sperm donor, did end because he cheated on her, but for heaven's sake, it's been 32 years. Get over it. I just worry about her.
I feel like I have so much to do that I know I don't even know where to start. Today I got groceries and went and spent some of my Christmas money on books, CDs, and DVDs. I got the Postsecret book. I haven't looked at it yet, but I'm excited about it. Tomorrow I'm going to clean my apartment, because then maybe it will be easier to know where to start. School starts in a week, and I haven't done anything: I didn't write a paper, I haven't read any Russian, I didn't work on my dissertation proposal, I didn't read anything for my pre-lims. I feel a bit overwhelmed. Hopefully after tomorrow I'll feel better.
I hope you're all doing well and having fun.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
All over the place
That's where my brain is. I'm still sick, but do feel a whole lot better. I slept until 5:30p yesterday and then got 11 hours of sleep last night. If I didn't feel so god-awful, I would think I was slipping back into depression. But, I leave for my grandparents tomorrow, and it's a 7 hour drive, it's supposed to be snowing, so, I can't afford to be sick tomorrow. That's it, no more sickness for me!!! I talked to mom, and she said the poor little man has the flu again and is throwing up all over the place. Phoenix is already in the bottom 3% for his age in regards to his size. He's 28 months, and wears 18 months clothes, with the legs rolled up. I would love to post a picture to show you how incredibly cute his is, but I don't think my brother would really appreciate it. Back to the point: he really can't afford to be sick. The poor little man.
Wedding stuff. We have a budget. Now we just have to make everything fit into it. Not a problem. I thought, that since I originally told Wes "not in a million years" the preacher could start with a joke about how time flies, or something like that. Camille gave me this beautiful purse for Christmas. It's one of those fancy clutch purses with beading all over it. It gave me an idea. I can always put some beads on the dress I get myself, just to make a little more special. Also, as none of you know, John Donne is one of my favorite poets, so I thought about having one of his poems read. How about this one:
The Good-Morrow
I wonder, by my troth, what though and I
Did, till we loved? were we not weaned till then?
But sucked on country pleasure, childishly?
Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den?
'Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be;
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.
And now good-morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone;
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown;
Let up possess one world; each hath one, and is one.
My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest;
Where can we find two better hemispheres
Without sharp north, without declining west?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally;
If our two loves be one, or thou and I
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.
Would I be the only one there who would appreciate it?
I need to clean my flat. I thought the cold meds were non-drowsy, but after a second look, they're not. No wonder I slept all day yesterday.
Finally, did I tell you they changed my wonderful radio station into a country music station? Just ask Camille what I think of country music.
Wedding stuff. We have a budget. Now we just have to make everything fit into it. Not a problem. I thought, that since I originally told Wes "not in a million years" the preacher could start with a joke about how time flies, or something like that. Camille gave me this beautiful purse for Christmas. It's one of those fancy clutch purses with beading all over it. It gave me an idea. I can always put some beads on the dress I get myself, just to make a little more special. Also, as none of you know, John Donne is one of my favorite poets, so I thought about having one of his poems read. How about this one:
The Good-Morrow
I wonder, by my troth, what though and I
Did, till we loved? were we not weaned till then?
But sucked on country pleasure, childishly?
Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den?
'Twas so; but this, all pleasures fancies be;
If ever any beauty I did see,
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee.
And now good-morrow to our waking souls,
Which watch not one another out of fear;
For love all love of other sights controls,
And makes one little room an everywhere.
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone;
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown;
Let up possess one world; each hath one, and is one.
My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest;
Where can we find two better hemispheres
Without sharp north, without declining west?
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally;
If our two loves be one, or thou and I
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.
Would I be the only one there who would appreciate it?
I need to clean my flat. I thought the cold meds were non-drowsy, but after a second look, they're not. No wonder I slept all day yesterday.
Finally, did I tell you they changed my wonderful radio station into a country music station? Just ask Camille what I think of country music.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Last new year alone
I have no plans for tonight. Well, I might go to bed early. Do those count as plans? I also have a horrendous cold. At least I hope it's only a cold. My brother has bronchitis and my sister has a sinus infection from hell. And I'm going to my grandparent's next week, and I'm always afraid I'm going to make them sick and then they will die. I worry too much. But the point is, everyone is out of town, Wes is home, I'm home, and I feel like crap. Yet, I think next year will be one of my happiest ever. If I ever find a dress I can stand.
I went dress shopping last week. I hate shopping. I hate shopping. I hate shopping. Say it with me, "I HATE SHOPPING!!!" I hate trying on clothes. My sister says it's because I have a body that looks good in anything, and thus, everything looks at least ok on me, if not better. We had a hard time finding any dresses the color I want. The one that we found that I loved was a prom dress, and therefore the material was really crappy. I had to try on a bunch of different colors at a very well known bridal chain that I won't mention by name because the service was really, really bad. And my mom and sister decided I should wear purple instead of green. Thus, I will put off shopping for a couple of months. Meanwhile, I bought a bridal magazine today for ideas. Wes wants to know why we're waiting until October. I guess it's because I want an outdoor fall wedding. I guess we could move it up to September. We'll see.
I bought a humidifier today. I know that's not exciting, but it's a very cute humidifier: it looks like a frog. Just thought I should share.
This year, Wes and I are going to do resolutions together. I also do year goals, 5 year goals and 10 year goals every year, so we're going to do those together too. I'll let you know if there are any exciting ones. This is going to be a very hectic year for me. I have pre-lims and dissertation proposal defense in the spring. I'm going to Russia for a month this summer. I'm moving to Virginia and getting married in the fall. And all my grant applications are due between August and December. I think that's about it.
I tried to put up some new links. If they don't work, let me know.
I hope everyone has a great new year's celebration and remember to call a cab!!!
I went dress shopping last week. I hate shopping. I hate shopping. I hate shopping. Say it with me, "I HATE SHOPPING!!!" I hate trying on clothes. My sister says it's because I have a body that looks good in anything, and thus, everything looks at least ok on me, if not better. We had a hard time finding any dresses the color I want. The one that we found that I loved was a prom dress, and therefore the material was really crappy. I had to try on a bunch of different colors at a very well known bridal chain that I won't mention by name because the service was really, really bad. And my mom and sister decided I should wear purple instead of green. Thus, I will put off shopping for a couple of months. Meanwhile, I bought a bridal magazine today for ideas. Wes wants to know why we're waiting until October. I guess it's because I want an outdoor fall wedding. I guess we could move it up to September. We'll see.
I bought a humidifier today. I know that's not exciting, but it's a very cute humidifier: it looks like a frog. Just thought I should share.
This year, Wes and I are going to do resolutions together. I also do year goals, 5 year goals and 10 year goals every year, so we're going to do those together too. I'll let you know if there are any exciting ones. This is going to be a very hectic year for me. I have pre-lims and dissertation proposal defense in the spring. I'm going to Russia for a month this summer. I'm moving to Virginia and getting married in the fall. And all my grant applications are due between August and December. I think that's about it.
I tried to put up some new links. If they don't work, let me know.
I hope everyone has a great new year's celebration and remember to call a cab!!!
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
How not to spend Christmas
With a 24 hour stomach bug. Yes, I had a great Christmas, running to the bathroom every 30 minutes. I couldn't even sleep and since my family originally thought I was just in a bad mood because Wes had left early Christmas morning, they all had to find out (there were 10 of us) that I had a stomach bug and all the nasty details I'm not going to tell you. Let's just say that it was kind of like having Christmas twice, because I didn't remember what I got, so everything was brand new the next day when I looked at it again.
And I did get some good stuff, which is part of the benefit of having a large family (again, ten of us, and several others mailed presents). Wes got me the Age of Empire III, and that's what my parents got for him, so we can play against each other. He also got me the complete New Yorker on DVD. I love the New Yorker, but it is a dangerous gift, as I am still in school and need to get stuff done. His kids got me a super soft bathrobe, which I really needed. His dad got me a Russian cookbook. It is beautiful, has a ton of recipes and several pictures for each one. I also got the first two seasons of Scrubs, the Garden State, a backpack, mixing bowls, a watch, cash, another cookbook, and a ton of other stuff. It's going to have to be shipped back home. So then I'll get to open it all up again!!!
My family loves Wes. Absolutely adore him. My mom is so happy. Even my brother thinks Wes is amazing. They think he fits in our family perfectly and that he treats me very well. The family likes his dad too, which is good, because other than his kids, his Dad is his only immediate family. My dad invited his dad to golf anytime. And his dad loves me and my family too. It was a great week with them here. I'm so relieved and I feel like I finally got it right. I wish everyone could be as happy as I am right now.
My nephew is adorable. He is 27 months and picks up new words everyday, mostly by saying them 10 times in a row. If you ask him if he's cute, he says "no, I'm tough" and then he growls and makes muscles. It's so cute!!! And he knows my name. If you pretend you're asleep, he'll crow like a rooster. He's a smart little boy and he knows his colors and his numbers and some of his letters. And he loves his daddy. I wish I could see him more than I do, but I guess that's part of life.
Well, I'm off to have tea with one of my friends. I hope everyone is having a great Christmas or Hanukkah. I am, but it's going by too fast. I go home on Friday already. I guess I will just enjoy it while I can.
And I did get some good stuff, which is part of the benefit of having a large family (again, ten of us, and several others mailed presents). Wes got me the Age of Empire III, and that's what my parents got for him, so we can play against each other. He also got me the complete New Yorker on DVD. I love the New Yorker, but it is a dangerous gift, as I am still in school and need to get stuff done. His kids got me a super soft bathrobe, which I really needed. His dad got me a Russian cookbook. It is beautiful, has a ton of recipes and several pictures for each one. I also got the first two seasons of Scrubs, the Garden State, a backpack, mixing bowls, a watch, cash, another cookbook, and a ton of other stuff. It's going to have to be shipped back home. So then I'll get to open it all up again!!!
My family loves Wes. Absolutely adore him. My mom is so happy. Even my brother thinks Wes is amazing. They think he fits in our family perfectly and that he treats me very well. The family likes his dad too, which is good, because other than his kids, his Dad is his only immediate family. My dad invited his dad to golf anytime. And his dad loves me and my family too. It was a great week with them here. I'm so relieved and I feel like I finally got it right. I wish everyone could be as happy as I am right now.
My nephew is adorable. He is 27 months and picks up new words everyday, mostly by saying them 10 times in a row. If you ask him if he's cute, he says "no, I'm tough" and then he growls and makes muscles. It's so cute!!! And he knows my name. If you pretend you're asleep, he'll crow like a rooster. He's a smart little boy and he knows his colors and his numbers and some of his letters. And he loves his daddy. I wish I could see him more than I do, but I guess that's part of life.
Well, I'm off to have tea with one of my friends. I hope everyone is having a great Christmas or Hanukkah. I am, but it's going by too fast. I go home on Friday already. I guess I will just enjoy it while I can.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
It's official!!!
I am officially engaged!!! He didn't do it last night. But he was very nervous. My entire family thinks he is wonderful. Tomorrow he meets Camille. So far, everything has been great.
He was going to take me back to our old highschool and ask me there. See, we used to go sit in his car for lunch every day and talk the entire time, so he was going to take me where it all started and ask me, but school was still in, so the parking lot was full. He was so nervous, because then he didn't know what to do. We drove by his old church and the pastor was there, so he suggested we stop. I had only been to his old church once: for his wedding. We talked with the pastor for a while, and he asked if we had an announcement and I said no, because I didn't have a ring yet. The pastor asked if we'd like the sanctuary to ourselves for a moment and Wes said yes. He said it was a little weird because he had gotten married there, but he liked the idea of proposing in a church because it represented a new start for us both and that this wasn't just a physical commitment, it was a also a spiritual commitment between the two of us. And I said yes. (Like anyone thought I would say no). The ring is so beautiful. Very, very sparkly. And my family is very happy. Everything is going well. And my nephew is adorable and can say my name. I'm so happy!!! I hope everyone is having a great holiday too and knows that they are all loved by someone.
He was going to take me back to our old highschool and ask me there. See, we used to go sit in his car for lunch every day and talk the entire time, so he was going to take me where it all started and ask me, but school was still in, so the parking lot was full. He was so nervous, because then he didn't know what to do. We drove by his old church and the pastor was there, so he suggested we stop. I had only been to his old church once: for his wedding. We talked with the pastor for a while, and he asked if we had an announcement and I said no, because I didn't have a ring yet. The pastor asked if we'd like the sanctuary to ourselves for a moment and Wes said yes. He said it was a little weird because he had gotten married there, but he liked the idea of proposing in a church because it represented a new start for us both and that this wasn't just a physical commitment, it was a also a spiritual commitment between the two of us. And I said yes. (Like anyone thought I would say no). The ring is so beautiful. Very, very sparkly. And my family is very happy. Everything is going well. And my nephew is adorable and can say my name. I'm so happy!!! I hope everyone is having a great holiday too and knows that they are all loved by someone.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
I'll be home for Christmas. . .
tomorrow. I go home tomorrow. I'm so excited. I should probably pack. Yesterday, the students took their finals. And I am happy to report that their final grades have already been e-mailed to the professor. Nobody failed it, although there were a few that were close. It was a good semester but I'm happy it's over.
Tomorrow, I go home and I get to see my family and Wes and meet his dad. This sounds ridiculous, but I asked Wes how long he planned on waiting before he proposed because I want to show my ring off. It kind of made me feel like a bitch, but he laughed and said he intended to wait about 5 minutes. He also said he will probably cry, so he wants to do it in private. Isn't that sweet. He also said the ring is 10 times more beautiful than in looks in the pictures. And then on Tuesday, the little man comes over. I'm sure that will be exciting for about 30 minutes (utter sarcasm). Two year olds can be very tiring, but he is the cutest two year old ever. And smart too. Mom said he knows his colors and some shapes. Tuesday night, Craig will come over for dinner. I'm not sure when the rest of the family will show up, but Elise is at home already too (they got out a week before us). But it will be a great week. Camille gets to meet Wes, and Wes and I will get to see Andrea and her husband.
I guess I should get some sleep. And I need to pack. The cab picks me up tomorrow at 10:45a, and I'll be home by 3:45p. I hope everyone is as happy as I am.
Tomorrow, I go home and I get to see my family and Wes and meet his dad. This sounds ridiculous, but I asked Wes how long he planned on waiting before he proposed because I want to show my ring off. It kind of made me feel like a bitch, but he laughed and said he intended to wait about 5 minutes. He also said he will probably cry, so he wants to do it in private. Isn't that sweet. He also said the ring is 10 times more beautiful than in looks in the pictures. And then on Tuesday, the little man comes over. I'm sure that will be exciting for about 30 minutes (utter sarcasm). Two year olds can be very tiring, but he is the cutest two year old ever. And smart too. Mom said he knows his colors and some shapes. Tuesday night, Craig will come over for dinner. I'm not sure when the rest of the family will show up, but Elise is at home already too (they got out a week before us). But it will be a great week. Camille gets to meet Wes, and Wes and I will get to see Andrea and her husband.
I guess I should get some sleep. And I need to pack. The cab picks me up tomorrow at 10:45a, and I'll be home by 3:45p. I hope everyone is as happy as I am.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Random facts
Clarity asking for 5 random facts got me thinking. So I decided to do a random facts blog. I'm not sure how many, but they will all have to do with me or my family.
1. The only time I was in the town where I was born, was when I was born.
2. my biological father never visited me or my mom in the hospital.
3. They were divorced before I was born.
4. When I was three, my mom remarried and her new husband adopted me. For that, I am eternally grateful.
5. I am the oldest of three. My brother is 26 and my sister is 19.
6. I also have two sisters I have never met and who probably don't know I exist.
7. My brother and I hated each other growing up.
8. The first thing I ever bought with my own money was the Laura Ingalls Wilder book set.
9. I still have them.
10. I've lived in Las Vegas NV for a total of 7 years. We moved to TX when I was 13.
11. The man who lived behind us in Las Vegas was arrested for kidnapping, raping and attempted murder of a 10 year old neighborhood girl.
12. I hate Dallas TX.
13. Someone there actually asked me if I had been a stripper in Las Vegas. As stated previously, I was 13 when we moved away.
14. Growing up, I thought if I was bad, my parents wouldn't love me anymore.
15. Then my brother came along and I realized that parents always love you, even if they don't like you.
16. Camille and I met each other at the Christian junior highschool we went to.
17. Everyone who went to that school was a misfit.
18. I love Camille more than I love any non-family member.
19. I used to spend the night at her house and we would make brownies and eat the batter and drink big glasses of milk and just talk and laugh all night.
20. When Camille had to move away for a couple of years, I felt so lost.
21. I was 15 when I got my first kiss. Turned out he was a pyscho and I saw him a year and a half ago and he says he still loves me.
22. I was 20 before I had sex. It was with my future husband. It wasn't exactly consensual.
23. I met Andrea in geometry class as a sophomore in highschool.
24. I was in love with Wes as a junior in high school.
25. We never dated in high school, but everyone thought we did.
26. I never went to prom.
27. I hated high school.
28. I grew up in Church. I still go to Church.
29. I tithe.
30. I believe in God and Jesus. I believe people who tell other people they're going to hell because they don't believe, or because of their lifestyle, will go to hell themselves.
31. I love to swim.
32. I wish I had continued playing piano.
33. I dated Charley in highschool.
34. I loved college.
35. I had a professor ask me to sleep with him.
36. I said no.
37. I got married when I was 21.
38. I got divorced when I was 23.
39. I am a domestic abuse survivor.
40. I've been divorced almost 8 years: it seems like it happened to someone else.
41. I cheated on my husband.
42. My brother is a recovering drug addict.
43. He's been clean 4 years.
44. He has a beautiful son.
45. My brother used to be a professional body piercer.
46. I have 15 piercings: 13 in my ears and two in my belly button. My brother did one of them.
47. My sister is beautiful.
48. She's a ballet dancer.
49. My parents are still married and still in love.
50. My grandparents are my heroes.
51. Blue is my favorite color.
52. Four is my favorite color.
53. M is my favorite letter.
54. My couch and loveseat are red.
55. I love to read.
56. I have 8 full bookshelves and I still have more books under the bed.
57. I think Charley is one of the sexiest men ever.
58. I'd rather have sex with Wes.
59. I love photography.
60. Wes has a growing collection of pornographic photos of me.
61. I love to laugh.
62. I have chronic mild depression.
63. My brother has societal anxiety order.
64. My sister seems to be ok.
65. I love music.
66. I love to cook.
67. My mom is one of my best friends
68. I never thought I'd get married again.
69. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
70. I've been in college for 11 years.
71. I have a bachelor's degree in history/English lit. and two master's degrees, both in Modern European history.
72. I wish I were better with foreign languages.
73. I am five foot five and weigh 120 lbs.
74. I've never weighed this much before.
75. I'm 31 years old.
76. I feel like I'm sexier now than I've ever been in my life.
77. I will be friends with Camille and Andrea until I die.
78. I want to visit ever country in the world, but will settle for every continent.
79. I like to try new things, but I'm also afraid of looking stupid and having people laugh at me.
80. Wes is good at getting me out of this shell.
81. I once got expelled from school for stealing a car (not nearly as exciting as it sounds).
82. Sometimes, since I've known that I wanted to be a professor since I was 15, I feel like my life has been predetermined, and hence, boring.
83. I can't imagine doing anything else.
84. I want to help other people.
85. I love to teach.
86. I still get crushes on various professors.
87. I feel like I will never be as smart as other graduate students.
88. I found out, they feel the same way.
89. I love to play games, like trivia pursuit and risk.
90. My family hates playing those games with me, because I always win.
91. I think both my brother and sister are smarter than me, just in a different way.
92. I honestly think my parents did the very best job they could have.
93. I had never drank alcohol until I got divorced: I never done drugs, not even pot.
94. Now I have to be careful when I drink.
95. I love birds, they make me happy.
96. I don't like to watch TV.
97. I'm a voyeur, which is why I like to read other people's blogs.
98. I think hair is to experiment with.
99. I was 27 before I felt like an "adult."
100. I love who I am.
ok, I guess that's enough. I'm really just trying to put off cleaning my apartment and doing homework. I hope everyone learned something interesting today and that people are happy and not stressed out.
1. The only time I was in the town where I was born, was when I was born.
2. my biological father never visited me or my mom in the hospital.
3. They were divorced before I was born.
4. When I was three, my mom remarried and her new husband adopted me. For that, I am eternally grateful.
5. I am the oldest of three. My brother is 26 and my sister is 19.
6. I also have two sisters I have never met and who probably don't know I exist.
7. My brother and I hated each other growing up.
8. The first thing I ever bought with my own money was the Laura Ingalls Wilder book set.
9. I still have them.
10. I've lived in Las Vegas NV for a total of 7 years. We moved to TX when I was 13.
11. The man who lived behind us in Las Vegas was arrested for kidnapping, raping and attempted murder of a 10 year old neighborhood girl.
12. I hate Dallas TX.
13. Someone there actually asked me if I had been a stripper in Las Vegas. As stated previously, I was 13 when we moved away.
14. Growing up, I thought if I was bad, my parents wouldn't love me anymore.
15. Then my brother came along and I realized that parents always love you, even if they don't like you.
16. Camille and I met each other at the Christian junior highschool we went to.
17. Everyone who went to that school was a misfit.
18. I love Camille more than I love any non-family member.
19. I used to spend the night at her house and we would make brownies and eat the batter and drink big glasses of milk and just talk and laugh all night.
20. When Camille had to move away for a couple of years, I felt so lost.
21. I was 15 when I got my first kiss. Turned out he was a pyscho and I saw him a year and a half ago and he says he still loves me.
22. I was 20 before I had sex. It was with my future husband. It wasn't exactly consensual.
23. I met Andrea in geometry class as a sophomore in highschool.
24. I was in love with Wes as a junior in high school.
25. We never dated in high school, but everyone thought we did.
26. I never went to prom.
27. I hated high school.
28. I grew up in Church. I still go to Church.
29. I tithe.
30. I believe in God and Jesus. I believe people who tell other people they're going to hell because they don't believe, or because of their lifestyle, will go to hell themselves.
31. I love to swim.
32. I wish I had continued playing piano.
33. I dated Charley in highschool.
34. I loved college.
35. I had a professor ask me to sleep with him.
36. I said no.
37. I got married when I was 21.
38. I got divorced when I was 23.
39. I am a domestic abuse survivor.
40. I've been divorced almost 8 years: it seems like it happened to someone else.
41. I cheated on my husband.
42. My brother is a recovering drug addict.
43. He's been clean 4 years.
44. He has a beautiful son.
45. My brother used to be a professional body piercer.
46. I have 15 piercings: 13 in my ears and two in my belly button. My brother did one of them.
47. My sister is beautiful.
48. She's a ballet dancer.
49. My parents are still married and still in love.
50. My grandparents are my heroes.
51. Blue is my favorite color.
52. Four is my favorite color.
53. M is my favorite letter.
54. My couch and loveseat are red.
55. I love to read.
56. I have 8 full bookshelves and I still have more books under the bed.
57. I think Charley is one of the sexiest men ever.
58. I'd rather have sex with Wes.
59. I love photography.
60. Wes has a growing collection of pornographic photos of me.
61. I love to laugh.
62. I have chronic mild depression.
63. My brother has societal anxiety order.
64. My sister seems to be ok.
65. I love music.
66. I love to cook.
67. My mom is one of my best friends
68. I never thought I'd get married again.
69. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
70. I've been in college for 11 years.
71. I have a bachelor's degree in history/English lit. and two master's degrees, both in Modern European history.
72. I wish I were better with foreign languages.
73. I am five foot five and weigh 120 lbs.
74. I've never weighed this much before.
75. I'm 31 years old.
76. I feel like I'm sexier now than I've ever been in my life.
77. I will be friends with Camille and Andrea until I die.
78. I want to visit ever country in the world, but will settle for every continent.
79. I like to try new things, but I'm also afraid of looking stupid and having people laugh at me.
80. Wes is good at getting me out of this shell.
81. I once got expelled from school for stealing a car (not nearly as exciting as it sounds).
82. Sometimes, since I've known that I wanted to be a professor since I was 15, I feel like my life has been predetermined, and hence, boring.
83. I can't imagine doing anything else.
84. I want to help other people.
85. I love to teach.
86. I still get crushes on various professors.
87. I feel like I will never be as smart as other graduate students.
88. I found out, they feel the same way.
89. I love to play games, like trivia pursuit and risk.
90. My family hates playing those games with me, because I always win.
91. I think both my brother and sister are smarter than me, just in a different way.
92. I honestly think my parents did the very best job they could have.
93. I had never drank alcohol until I got divorced: I never done drugs, not even pot.
94. Now I have to be careful when I drink.
95. I love birds, they make me happy.
96. I don't like to watch TV.
97. I'm a voyeur, which is why I like to read other people's blogs.
98. I think hair is to experiment with.
99. I was 27 before I felt like an "adult."
100. I love who I am.
ok, I guess that's enough. I'm really just trying to put off cleaning my apartment and doing homework. I hope everyone learned something interesting today and that people are happy and not stressed out.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Infection
Apparently I have been infected by Clarity, who has an amazing blog I've been reading for a little over 6 months but haven't managed to link yet. (ok, I'm a loser). I'm planning on doing that over Christmas. clarity25.diaryland.com But here's the thing, "Write 5 random facts about yourself, and then list the names of 5 people whom you in turn infect". Do I know 5 people?
anyway, here goes.
1. My mom threw a surprise birthday party for me one year, I think I was 17. I asked her when everyone was going to leave. (I'm not that social, and Camille wasn't there).
2. I decided at age 15 that I wanted to be a Russian history professor.
3. Mountains are my favorite type of landscape.
4. I always wanted to adopt instead of being pregnant. I remember telling my mom when I was in first grade that I wanted to adopt 6 kids.
5. I consider myself to be a boring person.
So, I tag
Camille
Queen
Mickey's girl
(again I am totally computer illerate (and apparently I can't spell either), so if you want to visit these people, they're in the links on the side)
If any random person is reading this and decides they want to do it to, leave a note.
Other than that, it snowed all day. Literally. It stilled hasn't stopped. I guess it's ok, except I have to drive tomorrow and I hate driving in the snow. But tomorrow should be a good day. I'm getting my hair done and I'm going to see one of my friends. That'll be fun. Then another review session. I had one today and the students just stared at me. I don't get it. I'm not going to write their tests for them. Friday, I'm just cleaning house and packing and stuff like that. Saturday, the students take the final and then I grade and grade and grade. Monday I leave for home. I'm very excited about seeing Wes and my family. Ok, I'm kind of ecstatic. I'm just holding it in, because I can only focus on one thing at a time, and right now, that's the rest of the semester.
Ok, I have to get something to eat. Stay warm and be merry.
anyway, here goes.
1. My mom threw a surprise birthday party for me one year, I think I was 17. I asked her when everyone was going to leave. (I'm not that social, and Camille wasn't there).
2. I decided at age 15 that I wanted to be a Russian history professor.
3. Mountains are my favorite type of landscape.
4. I always wanted to adopt instead of being pregnant. I remember telling my mom when I was in first grade that I wanted to adopt 6 kids.
5. I consider myself to be a boring person.
So, I tag
Camille
Queen
Mickey's girl
(again I am totally computer illerate (and apparently I can't spell either), so if you want to visit these people, they're in the links on the side)
If any random person is reading this and decides they want to do it to, leave a note.
Other than that, it snowed all day. Literally. It stilled hasn't stopped. I guess it's ok, except I have to drive tomorrow and I hate driving in the snow. But tomorrow should be a good day. I'm getting my hair done and I'm going to see one of my friends. That'll be fun. Then another review session. I had one today and the students just stared at me. I don't get it. I'm not going to write their tests for them. Friday, I'm just cleaning house and packing and stuff like that. Saturday, the students take the final and then I grade and grade and grade. Monday I leave for home. I'm very excited about seeing Wes and my family. Ok, I'm kind of ecstatic. I'm just holding it in, because I can only focus on one thing at a time, and right now, that's the rest of the semester.
Ok, I have to get something to eat. Stay warm and be merry.
plagerism
Yes, there was one student who decided they needed to add a little spice to their paper. The ironic part: it was still an F paper. But now there's all this bureaucratic bs paperwork we have to do. I just don't get it. And I'm not in the best of moods because I have a sinus infection and I'm still getting those headaches. I really hope they go away before I start grading the finals.
I wonder how any students would cheat on this! Yes, it's another edition of pre-lim lists. This week: USSR history pre-lim list. This is my speciality, and it's still not the longest list I have. I have probably read at least half of this list, but I took bad notes. So please feel free to make this your Christmas reading and then send me your notes!
General Introduction:
Cohen, Stephen, “Sovietology as a Vocation,” in Rethinking the Soviet Experience, 1985.
Daniels, Robert V., “Does the Present Change the Past?” Journal of Modern History 70, no. 2 (1998).
Gleason, Abbott, “the October Revolution: Invention and reinvention, Ad Infinitum,” Journal of Modern History 70, no. 2 (1998).
Kotkin, Stephen, “1991 and the Russian Revolution: Sources, conceptual Categories, Analytical Frameworks,” Journal of Modern History 70, no. 2 (1998).
Smith, S. A., “Writing the history of the Russian Revolution after the Fall of Communism,” in Europe-Asia Studies 46, no. 4 (1994).
1917:
E. H. Carr, The Bolshevik Revolution, vol. 1, 1950.
William Chamberlin, The Russian Revolution, vol. 1, 1935.
Robert V. Daniels, Red October, 1967 (Chap 11).
Alexander Rabinowitch, The Bolsheviks Come to Power, 1976 (Chaps. 15-16).
Ronald Grigor Suny, “Toward a Social History of the October Revolution,” American Historical Review 88, no. 1 (1983).
Orlando Figes and Boris Kolonitskii, Interpreting the Russian Revolution; The Languages and Symbols of 1917, 1999 (Chap. 2).
Frederick Corney, Telling October: Memory and the making of the Bolshevik Revolution, 2004.
V. I. Lenin, “What is to be Done?” and “State and Revolution.”
Edward M. Dune, Notes of a Red Guard, 1993.
N. N. Sukhanov, The Russian Revolution 1917: A Personal Record, 1984.
Viktor Shlovsky, A Sentimental Journey: Memoirs, 1917-1922, 1984.
Civil War
E. H. Carr, The Bolshevik Revolution, vol. 2, 1952.
William Chamberlin, The Russian Revolution, vol. 2, 1935.
E. B. Genkina, Obrazovanie SSSR, 1947.
Leopold H. Haimson, “Civil war and the Problem of social Identities in Early Twentieth-Century Russia,” in Party, State and Society in the Russian Civil War: Explorations in Social History, 1989.
Evan Mawdsley, The Russian Civil War, 1987 (Intro, chaps, 15-19, conclusion).
William Rosenberg, “The Social Background to Tsektran,” and
Moshe Lewin, “The Civil War: Dynamics and Legacy,” in Koenker, Rosenberg, and Suny eds. Party, State, and Society in the Russian Civil War, 1989.
Orlando Figes, Peasant Russia, Civil War: the Volga Countryside in Revolution, 1917-1921, 1989 (Intro, chap 3).
Peter Holquist, “Information is the Alpha and Omega of Our Work: Bolshevik Surveillance in its Pan-European context,” JMH 69, (1997).
V. P. Butt ed., The Russian Civil War: Documents from the Soviet Archives, 1996.
Richard Pipes ed., The Unknown Lenin: From the Secret Archive, 1996.
The Formation of the Soviet Union
E. H. Carr, The Russian Revolution, vol. 1.
Walker Connor, The National Question in Marxist-Leninist Theory and Perspective, 1984 (Chap. 2-3).
E. B. Genkina, Obrazovanie SSSR, 1947.
Gregory Massell, The Surrogate Proletariat: Moslem Women and Revolutionary Strategies in Soviet Central Asia, 1919-1929, 1974.
Richard Pipes, The Formation of the Soviet Union, rev. ed, 1991 (chaps. 2-6).
Olaf Caroe, Soviet Empire: The Turks of Central Asia and Stalinism, 1954.
Yuri Slezkine, “The USSR as a Communal Apartment, or How a Socialist State Promoted Ethnic Particularism,” Slavic Review 53, no. 2 (1994).
Francine Hirsch, “The Soviet Union as a Work-in Progress: Ethnographers and the Category Nationality in the 1926, 1937, and 1939 Censuses,” Slavic Review 56, no. 2 (1997).
Terry Martin, The Affirmative Action Empire, 2000 (chap. 1).
Douglas Northrop, Veiled Empire: Gender and Power in Stalinist Central Asia, 2004.
Decrees and Constitution of Soviet Russia (The Nation Press), 1920.
To See the Dawn: Congress of the Peoples of the East, 1993.
P. N. Pospelov ed., Lenin I Akademiia nauk, 1969.
NEP
E. H. Carr, Socialism in One country 1924-1926, 3 vols., 1958-1964.
Moshe Lewin, Lenin’s Last Struggle, 1968.
Stephen Cohen, “Bukharin, NEP, and the Idea of an Alternative to Stalinism,” in Rethinking the Soviet Experience.
Alan Ball, Russia’s Last Capitalists, 1987.
Elizabeth Wood, “Class and Gender at Loggerheads in the Early Soviet State: Who Should Organize the Female Proletariat and How?” in Frader and Rose, eds. Gender and Class in Modern Europe, 1996.
Eric Naiman, Sex in Public: The Incarnation of early Soviet Ideology, 1997 (intro. chaps. 3-7).
V. I. Stalin, The Foundation of Leninism, 1924.
William Rosenberg, Bolshevik Visions, 1984.
Cultural Revolution
Sheila Fitzpatrick, “Introduction” and “Cultural Revolution as Class War,” The Cultural Front, 1992.
Kendall Bailes, Technology and Society Under Lenin and Stalin, 1978 (Chaps. 2, 3, 7, 8).
Katerina Clark, St. Petersburg: Crucible of Cultural Revolution, 1995 (intro. Chaps. 11, 12).
Michael David-Fox, “What is Cultural Revolution?” Russian Review 58, no. 2 (1999): and the Fitzpatrick and David-Fox exchange.
Paula Michels, “Medical Propaganda and Cultural Revolution in Soviet Kazakhstan, 1928-41,” Russian Review 59, no. 2 (2000).
David Joravsky, “The construction of the Soviet Psyche,” in Fitzpatrick eds., Cultural Revolution in Russia.
Akademicheskoe delo, 1920-1930gg. Delo po obvineniiu akademika S. F. Platonov, 1993.
Lih, Naumov, and Khlevniuk eds., Stalin’s Letters to Molotov, 1925-1936, 1995.
Collectivization and Industrialization
Alec Nove, An Economic History of the Soviet Union, 1982.
E. H. Carr and R. W. Davies, Foundation of a Planned Economy, 1971.
Merle Fainsod, How Russia is Ruled, 1963.
Moshe Lewin, The Making of the Soviet System, 1985 (chaps. 6, 9).
William Rosenberg and Lewis Siegelbaum, Social Dimensions of Soviet Industrialization, 1993 (Chaps. 1, 8).
Lynne Viola, Peasant Rebels Under Stalin, 1996 (intro., Chaps, 1-3, 6, 7).
Merle Fainsod, Smolensk Under Soviet Rule, 1958.
Viktor Danilov, Sovetskaia derevnia glazami VChK-OGPU-NKVD: 1918-1939: dokumenty I materialy, 4 vols., 1998.
V. Ilin, New Russia’s Primer, 1931.
Stalinism
Isaac Deutscher, Stalin, 1949.
Ian Kershaw and Moshe Lewin, Stalinism and Nazism: Dictatorships in Comparison, 1997, (intro., chap. 4).
Giuseppe Boffa, The Stalin Phenomenon, 1992.
Martin Malia, The Soviet Tragedy,1994.
L. Trotsky, The Revolution Betrayed.
Leonard Schapiro, “The Concept of Totalitarianism,” Survey, 1969.
Alec Nove, “Was Stalin Necessary?” and exchange in Problems of Communism 25, no. 4 (1979).
Robert Tucker, “Stalinism as Revolution From Above,” Stalinism, 1977.
Giuseppe Boffa, The Stalin Phenomenon, 1992.
Sarah Davies, Popular Opinion in Stalin’s Russia, 1997, (chaps. 10, 11).
Simon Sebag Montefiore, Stalin: The Court of the Red Tsar, 2004.
Lewis Siegelbaum and Andrei Sokolov eds., Stalinism as a Way of Life, 2000.
O. V. Khlevniuk, Stalinskoe Politbiuro v 30-e gody: sbornik dokumentov, 1995.
Terror
Eli Sagan, Citizens and Cannibals: The French Revolution, the Struggle of Modernity , and the Origins of Ideological Terror, 2001.
James C. Scott, Seeing Like a State, 1998.
Robert Conquest, The Great Terror: A Reassessment, 1990, (chaps., 1-4, 8, 9).
Gabor Rittorsporn, “The State Against Itself: Socialist Tensions and Political Conflict in the USSR, 1936-1938,” Telos (Fall 1979).
J. Arch Getty, The Origins of the Great Purges, 1985 (intro. chaps. 4, 6).
Paul Hagenloh, “Socially Harmful Elements’ and the Great Terror,” in Fitzpatrick ed., Stalinism: New Directions, 2000.
Terry Martin, “The Origins of Soviet Ethnic Cleansing,” JMH 70 (1998).
Forum on race and racial politics in the Soviet Union, Slavic Review, Spring 2002.
Anne Applebuam, GULAG: A History.
J. Arch Getty, “The Politics of Repression Revisited,” in Stalinist Terror, 1993.
J. Arch Getty, Oleg V. Naumov, The Road to Terror, Stalin and the Self-Destruction of the Bolcheviks, 1932-1939, 1999.
Mentalities and Identities
Renee Fulop-Miller, The Mind and Face of Bolshevism, 1928.
Sheila Fitzpatrick, “Ascribing Class: The construction of Social Identity in Soviet Russia,” JMH 65, no. 4 (1993).
Stephen Kotkin, Magnetic Mountain: Stalinism as a Civilization, 1995.
Igal Halfin and Jochen Hellbeck, “Rethinking the Stalinist Subject: Stephen Kotkin’s Magnetic Mountain and the State of Soviet Historical Studies,” Jahrbucher fur Geschichte Osteuropas 44, no. 3 (1996).
Jochen Hellbeck, “Fashioning the Stalinist Soul: The Diary of Stepan Podlubny, (1931-1939),” Jahrbucher 44, no. 3 (1996).
L. Trotsky, A. Kollontai, N. Krupskaia, in Bolshevik Visions.
Wendy Goldman, “Abortion, the State, and Soviet Women, 1917-1936,” in B. Clements, B. Engel, C. Worobec, eds., Russia’s Women: Accommodation, Resistance, Transformation, 1991.
Gail Lapidus, Women in Soviet Society.
Veronique Garros, Nataliea korenevskaya, and Thomas Lahusen eds. Intimacy and Terror: Soviet Diaries of the 1930s, 1995.
Memoirs of Evgeniia Ginzberg, Nadezhda Mandelstam, Ilya Ehrenberg.
Arthur Koestler, Darkness at Noon, 1941.
World War II
Alexander Werth, Russia at War, 1964.
Aleaxander Dallin, German Rule in Russia, 1941-1945, 1957.
Jan T. Gross, “Social Consequences of War: Preliminaries to the Study of Imposition of communist Regimes in east Central Europe,” Eastern European Politics and Societies, 3, no. 2 (1989).
Daniel Peris, “’God is Now on Our Side’: The Religious Revival on Unoccupied Soviet Territory During World War II,” Kritika 1, no. 1 (2000).
Amir Weiner, Making Sense of War: The Second World War and the Fate of the Bolshevik Revolution, 2001.
N. F. Bugai, Iosif Stalin, Lavrentiiu Berii: “Ikh nado deportirovat’”: dokumenty, fakty, kommentarii, 1992.
M. M. Gorinov, A. S. Kiselev, et. al. eds. Moskva voennaia, 1941-1945. Memuary is arkhivnye dokumenty, 1995.
K. M. Anderson and A. O. Chubar’ian eds., Komintern I vtoraia mirovaia voina. Moscow, 1994.
The Post-War Period
Michael Kort, The Columbia Guide to the Cold War, 2000.
Timothy Dunmore, Soviet Politics, 1945-1953, 1984.
Susan J. Linz. Eds., The Impact of World War II on the Soviet Union, 1985.
Nicholas Timasheff, The Great Retreat, 1946.
Milovan Djilas, The New Class, 1957.
Vera Dunham, In Stalin’s time, 1976 (chaps. 1, 3).
Elena Zubkova, Russia After the War: hopes, Illusions, and Disappointments, 1998 (chaps. 1-10).
Barrington Moore, “The Present Purge in the USSR,” Review of Politics 9, no. 1 (1947).
Svetlana Alieva ed., Tak eto Bylo, 3 bols., 1993.
Documents from the Cold War International History Project.
The Soviet Bloc
George Schoepflin, Politics in Eastern Europe, 1945-1992, 1993.
Geoffrey and Nigel Swain, Eastern Europe Since 1945, 1993.
Zbigniew Brzezinski, The Soviet Bloc: Unity and Conflict, 1967 (chap. 8).
Adam Ulam, Expansion and Coexistence, 1974 (chap. 11).
William Taubman, Khrushchev: The Man and His Era, 2003 (Chaps. 11-13, 15-16, 19-20).
Alexander Dallin, eds., Diversity in International Communism: A Documentary Record, 1963.
Wolfgang Leonhard, Child of the Revolution, 1967.
Domestic Thaw
Geoffrey Hosking, The Awakening of the Soviet Union, 1991.
Svetlana Boym, Common Places: Mythologies of Everyday Life, 1994 (Chaps. 1, 2).
Richard Stites, Russian Popular Culture: Entertainment and Society since 1900, 1992 (chap. 5).
Yitzhak Brudny, Reinventing Russia: Russian Nationalism and the Soviet State, 1953-1991, 1998 (chaps. 2, 3).
Vladislav Zubok and Constantine Pleshekov, Inside the Kremlin’s Cold War, 1996 (chaps, 3-8 and postmortem).
V. A. Kozlov, Massovye besporiadki v SSSR pri Khrushcheve i Brezhneve, 1999.
J. Millar, “The Little Deal,” Slavic Review 44, no. 4 (Winter 1985).
Nikita Khrushchev, The Crimes of the Stalin Era, 1956.
Nikita Khrushchev, Khrushchev remembers, 2 vols., The glasnost Tapes.
Stagnation, Reform, and Dissolution
David Remnick, Lenin’s Tomb, 1993.
Ronald Grigor Suny, The Revenge of the Past, 1993 (chap. 4).
Martin Malia, The Soviet Tragedy, 1994 (intro.).
Katherine Verdery, What was Socialism and What comes Next?, 1996 (chap. 1).
Katherine Verdery, “Nationalism and National Sentiment in Post-Socialist Romania,” Slavic Review 52, no. 2 (Summer 1993).
Stephen Katkin, Armageddon Averted, 2001.
Z, “To the Stalin Mausoleum,” Daedalus 119, no. 1 (1990).
CPSU, Central Committee Plenum, September 1989.
A. V. Korotkov, S. A. Mel’chin et. al. eds., Kremlievskii samosud: sekretnye dokumenty Politbiuro o pisatele A. Solzhenitsyne, 1994.
I wonder how any students would cheat on this! Yes, it's another edition of pre-lim lists. This week: USSR history pre-lim list. This is my speciality, and it's still not the longest list I have. I have probably read at least half of this list, but I took bad notes. So please feel free to make this your Christmas reading and then send me your notes!
General Introduction:
Cohen, Stephen, “Sovietology as a Vocation,” in Rethinking the Soviet Experience, 1985.
Daniels, Robert V., “Does the Present Change the Past?” Journal of Modern History 70, no. 2 (1998).
Gleason, Abbott, “the October Revolution: Invention and reinvention, Ad Infinitum,” Journal of Modern History 70, no. 2 (1998).
Kotkin, Stephen, “1991 and the Russian Revolution: Sources, conceptual Categories, Analytical Frameworks,” Journal of Modern History 70, no. 2 (1998).
Smith, S. A., “Writing the history of the Russian Revolution after the Fall of Communism,” in Europe-Asia Studies 46, no. 4 (1994).
1917:
E. H. Carr, The Bolshevik Revolution, vol. 1, 1950.
William Chamberlin, The Russian Revolution, vol. 1, 1935.
Robert V. Daniels, Red October, 1967 (Chap 11).
Alexander Rabinowitch, The Bolsheviks Come to Power, 1976 (Chaps. 15-16).
Ronald Grigor Suny, “Toward a Social History of the October Revolution,” American Historical Review 88, no. 1 (1983).
Orlando Figes and Boris Kolonitskii, Interpreting the Russian Revolution; The Languages and Symbols of 1917, 1999 (Chap. 2).
Frederick Corney, Telling October: Memory and the making of the Bolshevik Revolution, 2004.
V. I. Lenin, “What is to be Done?” and “State and Revolution.”
Edward M. Dune, Notes of a Red Guard, 1993.
N. N. Sukhanov, The Russian Revolution 1917: A Personal Record, 1984.
Viktor Shlovsky, A Sentimental Journey: Memoirs, 1917-1922, 1984.
Civil War
E. H. Carr, The Bolshevik Revolution, vol. 2, 1952.
William Chamberlin, The Russian Revolution, vol. 2, 1935.
E. B. Genkina, Obrazovanie SSSR, 1947.
Leopold H. Haimson, “Civil war and the Problem of social Identities in Early Twentieth-Century Russia,” in Party, State and Society in the Russian Civil War: Explorations in Social History, 1989.
Evan Mawdsley, The Russian Civil War, 1987 (Intro, chaps, 15-19, conclusion).
William Rosenberg, “The Social Background to Tsektran,” and
Moshe Lewin, “The Civil War: Dynamics and Legacy,” in Koenker, Rosenberg, and Suny eds. Party, State, and Society in the Russian Civil War, 1989.
Orlando Figes, Peasant Russia, Civil War: the Volga Countryside in Revolution, 1917-1921, 1989 (Intro, chap 3).
Peter Holquist, “Information is the Alpha and Omega of Our Work: Bolshevik Surveillance in its Pan-European context,” JMH 69, (1997).
V. P. Butt ed., The Russian Civil War: Documents from the Soviet Archives, 1996.
Richard Pipes ed., The Unknown Lenin: From the Secret Archive, 1996.
The Formation of the Soviet Union
E. H. Carr, The Russian Revolution, vol. 1.
Walker Connor, The National Question in Marxist-Leninist Theory and Perspective, 1984 (Chap. 2-3).
E. B. Genkina, Obrazovanie SSSR, 1947.
Gregory Massell, The Surrogate Proletariat: Moslem Women and Revolutionary Strategies in Soviet Central Asia, 1919-1929, 1974.
Richard Pipes, The Formation of the Soviet Union, rev. ed, 1991 (chaps. 2-6).
Olaf Caroe, Soviet Empire: The Turks of Central Asia and Stalinism, 1954.
Yuri Slezkine, “The USSR as a Communal Apartment, or How a Socialist State Promoted Ethnic Particularism,” Slavic Review 53, no. 2 (1994).
Francine Hirsch, “The Soviet Union as a Work-in Progress: Ethnographers and the Category Nationality in the 1926, 1937, and 1939 Censuses,” Slavic Review 56, no. 2 (1997).
Terry Martin, The Affirmative Action Empire, 2000 (chap. 1).
Douglas Northrop, Veiled Empire: Gender and Power in Stalinist Central Asia, 2004.
Decrees and Constitution of Soviet Russia (The Nation Press), 1920.
To See the Dawn: Congress of the Peoples of the East, 1993.
P. N. Pospelov ed., Lenin I Akademiia nauk, 1969.
NEP
E. H. Carr, Socialism in One country 1924-1926, 3 vols., 1958-1964.
Moshe Lewin, Lenin’s Last Struggle, 1968.
Stephen Cohen, “Bukharin, NEP, and the Idea of an Alternative to Stalinism,” in Rethinking the Soviet Experience.
Alan Ball, Russia’s Last Capitalists, 1987.
Elizabeth Wood, “Class and Gender at Loggerheads in the Early Soviet State: Who Should Organize the Female Proletariat and How?” in Frader and Rose, eds. Gender and Class in Modern Europe, 1996.
Eric Naiman, Sex in Public: The Incarnation of early Soviet Ideology, 1997 (intro. chaps. 3-7).
V. I. Stalin, The Foundation of Leninism, 1924.
William Rosenberg, Bolshevik Visions, 1984.
Cultural Revolution
Sheila Fitzpatrick, “Introduction” and “Cultural Revolution as Class War,” The Cultural Front, 1992.
Kendall Bailes, Technology and Society Under Lenin and Stalin, 1978 (Chaps. 2, 3, 7, 8).
Katerina Clark, St. Petersburg: Crucible of Cultural Revolution, 1995 (intro. Chaps. 11, 12).
Michael David-Fox, “What is Cultural Revolution?” Russian Review 58, no. 2 (1999): and the Fitzpatrick and David-Fox exchange.
Paula Michels, “Medical Propaganda and Cultural Revolution in Soviet Kazakhstan, 1928-41,” Russian Review 59, no. 2 (2000).
David Joravsky, “The construction of the Soviet Psyche,” in Fitzpatrick eds., Cultural Revolution in Russia.
Akademicheskoe delo, 1920-1930gg. Delo po obvineniiu akademika S. F. Platonov, 1993.
Lih, Naumov, and Khlevniuk eds., Stalin’s Letters to Molotov, 1925-1936, 1995.
Collectivization and Industrialization
Alec Nove, An Economic History of the Soviet Union, 1982.
E. H. Carr and R. W. Davies, Foundation of a Planned Economy, 1971.
Merle Fainsod, How Russia is Ruled, 1963.
Moshe Lewin, The Making of the Soviet System, 1985 (chaps. 6, 9).
William Rosenberg and Lewis Siegelbaum, Social Dimensions of Soviet Industrialization, 1993 (Chaps. 1, 8).
Lynne Viola, Peasant Rebels Under Stalin, 1996 (intro., Chaps, 1-3, 6, 7).
Merle Fainsod, Smolensk Under Soviet Rule, 1958.
Viktor Danilov, Sovetskaia derevnia glazami VChK-OGPU-NKVD: 1918-1939: dokumenty I materialy, 4 vols., 1998.
V. Ilin, New Russia’s Primer, 1931.
Stalinism
Isaac Deutscher, Stalin, 1949.
Ian Kershaw and Moshe Lewin, Stalinism and Nazism: Dictatorships in Comparison, 1997, (intro., chap. 4).
Giuseppe Boffa, The Stalin Phenomenon, 1992.
Martin Malia, The Soviet Tragedy,1994.
L. Trotsky, The Revolution Betrayed.
Leonard Schapiro, “The Concept of Totalitarianism,” Survey, 1969.
Alec Nove, “Was Stalin Necessary?” and exchange in Problems of Communism 25, no. 4 (1979).
Robert Tucker, “Stalinism as Revolution From Above,” Stalinism, 1977.
Giuseppe Boffa, The Stalin Phenomenon, 1992.
Sarah Davies, Popular Opinion in Stalin’s Russia, 1997, (chaps. 10, 11).
Simon Sebag Montefiore, Stalin: The Court of the Red Tsar, 2004.
Lewis Siegelbaum and Andrei Sokolov eds., Stalinism as a Way of Life, 2000.
O. V. Khlevniuk, Stalinskoe Politbiuro v 30-e gody: sbornik dokumentov, 1995.
Terror
Eli Sagan, Citizens and Cannibals: The French Revolution, the Struggle of Modernity , and the Origins of Ideological Terror, 2001.
James C. Scott, Seeing Like a State, 1998.
Robert Conquest, The Great Terror: A Reassessment, 1990, (chaps., 1-4, 8, 9).
Gabor Rittorsporn, “The State Against Itself: Socialist Tensions and Political Conflict in the USSR, 1936-1938,” Telos (Fall 1979).
J. Arch Getty, The Origins of the Great Purges, 1985 (intro. chaps. 4, 6).
Paul Hagenloh, “Socially Harmful Elements’ and the Great Terror,” in Fitzpatrick ed., Stalinism: New Directions, 2000.
Terry Martin, “The Origins of Soviet Ethnic Cleansing,” JMH 70 (1998).
Forum on race and racial politics in the Soviet Union, Slavic Review, Spring 2002.
Anne Applebuam, GULAG: A History.
J. Arch Getty, “The Politics of Repression Revisited,” in Stalinist Terror, 1993.
J. Arch Getty, Oleg V. Naumov, The Road to Terror, Stalin and the Self-Destruction of the Bolcheviks, 1932-1939, 1999.
Mentalities and Identities
Renee Fulop-Miller, The Mind and Face of Bolshevism, 1928.
Sheila Fitzpatrick, “Ascribing Class: The construction of Social Identity in Soviet Russia,” JMH 65, no. 4 (1993).
Stephen Kotkin, Magnetic Mountain: Stalinism as a Civilization, 1995.
Igal Halfin and Jochen Hellbeck, “Rethinking the Stalinist Subject: Stephen Kotkin’s Magnetic Mountain and the State of Soviet Historical Studies,” Jahrbucher fur Geschichte Osteuropas 44, no. 3 (1996).
Jochen Hellbeck, “Fashioning the Stalinist Soul: The Diary of Stepan Podlubny, (1931-1939),” Jahrbucher 44, no. 3 (1996).
L. Trotsky, A. Kollontai, N. Krupskaia, in Bolshevik Visions.
Wendy Goldman, “Abortion, the State, and Soviet Women, 1917-1936,” in B. Clements, B. Engel, C. Worobec, eds., Russia’s Women: Accommodation, Resistance, Transformation, 1991.
Gail Lapidus, Women in Soviet Society.
Veronique Garros, Nataliea korenevskaya, and Thomas Lahusen eds. Intimacy and Terror: Soviet Diaries of the 1930s, 1995.
Memoirs of Evgeniia Ginzberg, Nadezhda Mandelstam, Ilya Ehrenberg.
Arthur Koestler, Darkness at Noon, 1941.
World War II
Alexander Werth, Russia at War, 1964.
Aleaxander Dallin, German Rule in Russia, 1941-1945, 1957.
Jan T. Gross, “Social Consequences of War: Preliminaries to the Study of Imposition of communist Regimes in east Central Europe,” Eastern European Politics and Societies, 3, no. 2 (1989).
Daniel Peris, “’God is Now on Our Side’: The Religious Revival on Unoccupied Soviet Territory During World War II,” Kritika 1, no. 1 (2000).
Amir Weiner, Making Sense of War: The Second World War and the Fate of the Bolshevik Revolution, 2001.
N. F. Bugai, Iosif Stalin, Lavrentiiu Berii: “Ikh nado deportirovat’”: dokumenty, fakty, kommentarii, 1992.
M. M. Gorinov, A. S. Kiselev, et. al. eds. Moskva voennaia, 1941-1945. Memuary is arkhivnye dokumenty, 1995.
K. M. Anderson and A. O. Chubar’ian eds., Komintern I vtoraia mirovaia voina. Moscow, 1994.
The Post-War Period
Michael Kort, The Columbia Guide to the Cold War, 2000.
Timothy Dunmore, Soviet Politics, 1945-1953, 1984.
Susan J. Linz. Eds., The Impact of World War II on the Soviet Union, 1985.
Nicholas Timasheff, The Great Retreat, 1946.
Milovan Djilas, The New Class, 1957.
Vera Dunham, In Stalin’s time, 1976 (chaps. 1, 3).
Elena Zubkova, Russia After the War: hopes, Illusions, and Disappointments, 1998 (chaps. 1-10).
Barrington Moore, “The Present Purge in the USSR,” Review of Politics 9, no. 1 (1947).
Svetlana Alieva ed., Tak eto Bylo, 3 bols., 1993.
Documents from the Cold War International History Project.
The Soviet Bloc
George Schoepflin, Politics in Eastern Europe, 1945-1992, 1993.
Geoffrey and Nigel Swain, Eastern Europe Since 1945, 1993.
Zbigniew Brzezinski, The Soviet Bloc: Unity and Conflict, 1967 (chap. 8).
Adam Ulam, Expansion and Coexistence, 1974 (chap. 11).
William Taubman, Khrushchev: The Man and His Era, 2003 (Chaps. 11-13, 15-16, 19-20).
Alexander Dallin, eds., Diversity in International Communism: A Documentary Record, 1963.
Wolfgang Leonhard, Child of the Revolution, 1967.
Domestic Thaw
Geoffrey Hosking, The Awakening of the Soviet Union, 1991.
Svetlana Boym, Common Places: Mythologies of Everyday Life, 1994 (Chaps. 1, 2).
Richard Stites, Russian Popular Culture: Entertainment and Society since 1900, 1992 (chap. 5).
Yitzhak Brudny, Reinventing Russia: Russian Nationalism and the Soviet State, 1953-1991, 1998 (chaps. 2, 3).
Vladislav Zubok and Constantine Pleshekov, Inside the Kremlin’s Cold War, 1996 (chaps, 3-8 and postmortem).
V. A. Kozlov, Massovye besporiadki v SSSR pri Khrushcheve i Brezhneve, 1999.
J. Millar, “The Little Deal,” Slavic Review 44, no. 4 (Winter 1985).
Nikita Khrushchev, The Crimes of the Stalin Era, 1956.
Nikita Khrushchev, Khrushchev remembers, 2 vols., The glasnost Tapes.
Stagnation, Reform, and Dissolution
David Remnick, Lenin’s Tomb, 1993.
Ronald Grigor Suny, The Revenge of the Past, 1993 (chap. 4).
Martin Malia, The Soviet Tragedy, 1994 (intro.).
Katherine Verdery, What was Socialism and What comes Next?, 1996 (chap. 1).
Katherine Verdery, “Nationalism and National Sentiment in Post-Socialist Romania,” Slavic Review 52, no. 2 (Summer 1993).
Stephen Katkin, Armageddon Averted, 2001.
Z, “To the Stalin Mausoleum,” Daedalus 119, no. 1 (1990).
CPSU, Central Committee Plenum, September 1989.
A. V. Korotkov, S. A. Mel’chin et. al. eds., Kremlievskii samosud: sekretnye dokumenty Politbiuro o pisatele A. Solzhenitsyne, 1994.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Epiphany
I've always felt slightly guilty because I don't feel as intensively about Wes as I did about Charley. I knew Wes was better for me, and that we were much more compatible than Charley and I, but I still felt this intense ache/longing for Charley. More emotional. Well, I think I figured it out.
I want Charley the way someone wants a drug. It makes you feel unreal and amazing. Invincible and intense. You have to have it, because it's a drug. hey want you to need them like a drug. They keep giving you just enough to keep you coming back, but no more. And when it goes away, you think you're going to die and that there is no way you can live without it. You forget all the yucky side effects and only remember the high. But you can live without and eventually, you find you don't think about it as much, you go longer and longer between times thinking about it. And when you do, there's a little ache, that wants that high again, but a larger part of your brain that reminds you why you shouldn't (although, that part doesn't always win out).
Wes is more like food, warmth and clothing. Things you don't think about, because they're just there. You need them, but don't ever think about them until they're gone. You might actually complain about how boring, plain, or old they are, but yet, if you didn't have them, you would die. You don't get the same rush from them as you would from drugs, but, if push came to shove, this is what you would choose. And if Wes went away, I don't think there would be any part of my brain that would remind me why I shouldn't be with him (unless he does something really stupid). And I would ache for him more intensely then I did for Charley (and that was really intense and very long). Wes is my sustenance. He keeps me going by taking care of me. He wants me to be happy. He loves me. He gives me all of himself. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him so much and I feel so happy and so lucky. I've never felt so secure in a relationship before. It is a wonderful, scary, exhilarating feeling. It feels like Christmas!
I want Charley the way someone wants a drug. It makes you feel unreal and amazing. Invincible and intense. You have to have it, because it's a drug. hey want you to need them like a drug. They keep giving you just enough to keep you coming back, but no more. And when it goes away, you think you're going to die and that there is no way you can live without it. You forget all the yucky side effects and only remember the high. But you can live without and eventually, you find you don't think about it as much, you go longer and longer between times thinking about it. And when you do, there's a little ache, that wants that high again, but a larger part of your brain that reminds you why you shouldn't (although, that part doesn't always win out).
Wes is more like food, warmth and clothing. Things you don't think about, because they're just there. You need them, but don't ever think about them until they're gone. You might actually complain about how boring, plain, or old they are, but yet, if you didn't have them, you would die. You don't get the same rush from them as you would from drugs, but, if push came to shove, this is what you would choose. And if Wes went away, I don't think there would be any part of my brain that would remind me why I shouldn't be with him (unless he does something really stupid). And I would ache for him more intensely then I did for Charley (and that was really intense and very long). Wes is my sustenance. He keeps me going by taking care of me. He wants me to be happy. He loves me. He gives me all of himself. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him so much and I feel so happy and so lucky. I've never felt so secure in a relationship before. It is a wonderful, scary, exhilarating feeling. It feels like Christmas!
Unwanted side effects
It's really hard to grade papers and study when your brain has decided it is way too smart for your head and needs a bigger place, and therefore, is trying to push it's way out through your face and temples. I've had a headache since last Tuesday, at least, if not longer. I'm on this medication where headaches are a side effect, because it can cause swelling of the brain. The problem is, as a graduate student, I used to get headaches all the time. And it is the end of the semester. Time to be stressed out. But these are really severe headaches. But they're also sinus headaches. So, are they caused by the medication, or not? At the most, I would only have to be on this medication for 2 more months. I'd like to make it that far, even though I hate the side effects.
I can't drink alcohol, I shouldn't drive at night, because it can effect my night vision (it hasn't yet), it can do stomach damage, depression (already have it under control), thinning hair (I haven't had a problem with this), the headaches, joint pain (not that I've noticed), the high cholesterol, and extremely severe birth defects, were I to get pregnant. You actually have to sign 5 different documents stating that if you have sex, you will use two different forms of birth control. You have to be on the pill to get this medication. This medication is serious.
So why am I am on this medication? What horrible disease or ailment could cause me to take something with such serious side effects? What terrible thing do I suffer from that I've never shared with the rest of you?
Adult acne. Yep, that's it. I suffer from adult acne. After suffering from teenage acne and pre-teen acne. I always used to joke that I look so young because of the acne. But after years of looking at pictures and thinking, "I'm in my twenties, why does my face look like it's 15" I decided I wanted to take care of it. Partly because my mom had adult acne until she hit menopause (yeah, you read that right). And I'm getting married next year. I want to look pretty. And I'm 31, and tired of having more acne than my students. But, the medication is working for that. It's the end of the semester. Normally I would have 5 to 10 of those giant painful zits. Right now, I have two. And they're going away after a few days, rather than 3 weeks. So if my doctor thinks my headaches are ok, then I think they're ok.
So, I am going to try to clean my apartment and do homework.
I dreamed about Charley last night too. I told him to quit following me because we were not getting back together, that I was with Wes. And it hurt to tell him that, but it felt really good too. Hopefully I don't ever have to do that. But if I do run into Charley and he asks about me and Wes, I'm going to say "This was not a competition. This was two different situations at two different times," and leave it at that.
I can't drink alcohol, I shouldn't drive at night, because it can effect my night vision (it hasn't yet), it can do stomach damage, depression (already have it under control), thinning hair (I haven't had a problem with this), the headaches, joint pain (not that I've noticed), the high cholesterol, and extremely severe birth defects, were I to get pregnant. You actually have to sign 5 different documents stating that if you have sex, you will use two different forms of birth control. You have to be on the pill to get this medication. This medication is serious.
So why am I am on this medication? What horrible disease or ailment could cause me to take something with such serious side effects? What terrible thing do I suffer from that I've never shared with the rest of you?
Adult acne. Yep, that's it. I suffer from adult acne. After suffering from teenage acne and pre-teen acne. I always used to joke that I look so young because of the acne. But after years of looking at pictures and thinking, "I'm in my twenties, why does my face look like it's 15" I decided I wanted to take care of it. Partly because my mom had adult acne until she hit menopause (yeah, you read that right). And I'm getting married next year. I want to look pretty. And I'm 31, and tired of having more acne than my students. But, the medication is working for that. It's the end of the semester. Normally I would have 5 to 10 of those giant painful zits. Right now, I have two. And they're going away after a few days, rather than 3 weeks. So if my doctor thinks my headaches are ok, then I think they're ok.
So, I am going to try to clean my apartment and do homework.
I dreamed about Charley last night too. I told him to quit following me because we were not getting back together, that I was with Wes. And it hurt to tell him that, but it felt really good too. Hopefully I don't ever have to do that. But if I do run into Charley and he asks about me and Wes, I'm going to say "This was not a competition. This was two different situations at two different times," and leave it at that.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Christmas Party snow
Just when you don't want it to snow. Like when you have to drive an hour to get to a cookie exchange, with cookies that you left in the oven too long, because the recipe said 12-15 minutes. How were you supposed to know 12 minutes would be too long? Anyway, back to the snow. It's beautiful, but, I just cleaned my car off!!! And, like I said I have 2 Christmas parties today. The first, in a different town. Well, it's not snowing hard, so I guess it'll be ok.
Wes had the kids this weekend. He said they got in the car and asked where I was. Say it with me, "Ahhhhh!" that's so sweet. I told Wes that I'm so happy that I'm afraid I will spontaneously break out into song and dance. He wants to see that, but I told him I would make him dance with me. Like in the mall, to the Christmas music. And if you don't think I would do something like that, ask Camille. But, Wes said he would sing and dance with me, so that's how you know I'm with the right guy!
I've read 14 papers since yesterday afternoon. Some of these papers really make me question my ability as a TA. But then, when 99% of them are great (or at least good) and that last 1% has so totally missed it that you wonder what class they're writing the paper for, well, I guess I can't really blame myself for that. One of the other TAs, for a different class, has one of my students in her class and she said he doesn't get that class either. Makes you feel bad for the students who don't get it. Also makes you wonder how they got into college. Oh well. For the most part the papers are good, and that makes me happy. And no, I don't (and can't) really take credit for students who were already smart to begin with. I'll just take credit for helping to steer them down the path of knowledge.
Alright, gotta get ready for exchanging cookies.
Wes had the kids this weekend. He said they got in the car and asked where I was. Say it with me, "Ahhhhh!" that's so sweet. I told Wes that I'm so happy that I'm afraid I will spontaneously break out into song and dance. He wants to see that, but I told him I would make him dance with me. Like in the mall, to the Christmas music. And if you don't think I would do something like that, ask Camille. But, Wes said he would sing and dance with me, so that's how you know I'm with the right guy!
I've read 14 papers since yesterday afternoon. Some of these papers really make me question my ability as a TA. But then, when 99% of them are great (or at least good) and that last 1% has so totally missed it that you wonder what class they're writing the paper for, well, I guess I can't really blame myself for that. One of the other TAs, for a different class, has one of my students in her class and she said he doesn't get that class either. Makes you feel bad for the students who don't get it. Also makes you wonder how they got into college. Oh well. For the most part the papers are good, and that makes me happy. And no, I don't (and can't) really take credit for students who were already smart to begin with. I'll just take credit for helping to steer them down the path of knowledge.
Alright, gotta get ready for exchanging cookies.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
I'm so happy!!!
I'm just so excited about Christmas this year. All the people I love are going to get to meet each other and get to know one another and they're all going to love each other too (or else I'm going to hurt all of them). I just can't wait until then. Today, I'm just listening to Christmas music and finishing up a ton of homework. I am going to have to take work home with me, but since I get up at least an hour before everyone else, I should be able to do it then. And I'll get to see my nephew, and Camille's little girl, and Camille, of course, and everyone else. I'm just so happy!!!
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