News from the "front"

June 27, 2005

Things are going well. The classes are getting better. Easier and harder at the same time. Which is good. I feel like I'm doing much better in classes, although outside of classes I'm still too shy to talk. Although, I talk to my housemom all the time. I just need to get over it.
Saturday I finally found time to go to a museum. It's the museum that only has Russian artists. It was very nice, but I wish I had more time to browse. The girl I went with really didn't seem to have a huge appreciation for art. It was like she was only going because everyone had recommended it.
The weather has been beautiful the last couple of days, which was really nice yesterday. We went to Tolstoy's estate, which is 3 hours, by train, outside of Moscow. Considering he was a noble, the house wasn't as big as you would expect, but the grounds were beautiful. There were at 3 least ponds and lost of forest to walk through. Very peaceful. Tolstoy's grave was also there, but he didn't want a huge monument, so it's just a bump of earth with grass growing on it. I'm taking ton of pictures.
The rest of the week is classes. But Friday we're going to the Duma. That should be very exciting. Maybe I'll get a glimpse of President Putin!

June 30, 2005

Things are going well here, but busy. The weather is rainy and cold again. This week, my friend Illona came to visit, I hadn't seen her since last time I was in Russia, so it was a nice visit. Last time I was here, she was still a student, but now she actually has a real job. Tuesday, I went with my tutor and got a library card to the state library (previously the lenin library). My tutor showed me around and we tried to figure everything out. My advisor wants me to do some research for my dissertation while I'm here, but I don't know how much time I'll really have. My tutor graduated from university today (which he told me about), but he forgot to mention that he was valedictorian of his class, so he got to give a speech (which I didn't understand because the acoustics were really, really bad).
School is going better. Several of my professors have told me that my Russian is improving, but that I need to totally forget English and do everything in Russian. I wish it were that simple. But I keep at it, and hopefully when I get back to the states I'll have the desire to continue using it, otherwise, this trip will be a waste of time (ok, not really, I mean, I am in Russia). But, I have managed to have conversations with three different people, in Russian, about government, democracy, dictators, communism, ect. . . .I think that shows definite improvement.
This will be a busy weekend. Tomorrow we're going to the state Duma, which I'm very excited about. Saturday we're going to the largest 4th of July celebration outside of America. Although, it's supposed to rain (I hope not). Sunday, Monica (another student) and I are going to visit the Kremlin, its museums, see Lenin (he's basically a candle by now) and Red Square. I'm excited about that. Oh, and lots of homework.

July 6, 2005

The 4th of July celebration on Saturday kind of sucked. The weather was really bad, and we got out there at 2:30p, so within a couple of hours, we were ready to leave, even though the main band didn't start until 8:30p and then fireworks after that. We should have gone later in the day. There wasn't really anything to do besides eat food that was pretending to be american. Sunday, one of the other girls and I went to see Lenin. We waited in line for an hour, and we were next in line, and the guards told us they were closed. So, we're going to go back again next week. Instead, we just walked along the Kremlin wall, which has the tomb of the unknown soldier and several WWII memorials. We also went into St. Basil's Cathedral, which they've restored since last time I was here. It was really nice.
Sunday night Wes called and we talked for about 20 minutes. That was really nice. I really miss him. Monday, I got sick and didn't go to school. Apparently, in Russia, when you're sick, you only get dry toast and tea. I had to beg for soup and she thought I was crazy. I'm feeling much better now though. Elena and her boyfriend got in another huge fight last night, and she was asking my opinion about it, but the male/female dynamics are so different in Russia than they are in the US, that I really didn't want to give my opinion. Here, things are much more traditional (think, the Cleavers) and while domestic violence is frowned upon, it's still common. I told one of the Russian woman, who helps run this program, that I was divorced, and why, and she asked me if I provoked it. This is from a very well educated woman who has been to America several times, so just imagine what the common Russian thinks.

Update from Moscow

Hi folks, this is Camille again. I received an email from Stacia this morning. She is okay but seems a bit stressed. She was worried about her Russian language skills prior to this trip and it seems that since they are umm.... rather rudimentary, she has to take several classes... ALONE. Sounds like not so much fun. She has enjoyed seeing Elena and her boyfriend but hasn't been able to have any one on one time with Elena yet. She is looking forward to some excursions this weekend, sounds like she needs a little fun.

She did happen to see Pres. Putin's motorcade but did NOT happen to have her camera with her. I suggested she just keep it on her. Well, that was all from the Russian front today.

On the home front there was good news as it seems that her brother will not be contested by his ex for primary custody of little Phoenix. They are just trying to iron out some details.

Well, reporting for Stacia, Camille is over and out...

The package arrived safely...

This is Camille, posting for Stacia. I received an email from her today saying she is safely in Moscow. She is exhausted and starving to death and said she still feels like she is moving (don't you hate that?). Stacia said 11 other people are in the group that she will be with in Moscow and that she is ancient, oops, I mean, she is the oldest there. They all seemed like nice people and it looks like she has a fun summer ahead! I'll update here as often as she emails me. Or maybe we can just whisper about her until she comes back - she loves that.

That's all for today.
Camille

This is it.

Well, I leave tomorrow. All the bills are paid, everyone has been e-mailed, keys have been distributed, the suitcase is packed. So I guess I am technically ready to leave. But I am a bundle of nerves. Tomorrow I leave for Washington DC for two days of orientation. Then on Thursday we leave for Russia and arrive there Friday. I'll see my friend Elena on Sunday. I don't perceive any huge problems, but you never know.

In October 1999 I boarded a plane to Moscow Russia. I was 25 and had never left the USA. I didn't know anyone in Russia. A friend of a friend of a friend knew someone in Russia who took in American boarders. I got off the plane not knowing if that person was actually going to be there to get me and if we would get along for the whole month I was there. She was, and we did and we're still friends (I'm staying with her again). But after my disastrous marriage, I needed the confidence that traveling to Russia, alone, as a woman, gave me. If I could do that, I could do anything. So I know that no matter what happens on this trip, I will be able to handle it. I am scared that I will be the worse Russian speaker in the group, that I will be the oldest. But you know what, it doesn't really matter. I'm going there to learn Russian, something I've wanted to do since I was 15 years old. I have a good foundation, and I want to learn. Even if I'm the oldest one there, I guess that means I'll probably be the one who is most sure of myself (not the most confident, just the one who knows myself the best), and I'll have wisdom to dispense (ha!). It's just one more thing to learn from. And I know I can do it.

I will miss everyone so much, especially since I wish I could take everyone with me. Wes is sorta freaking out. He's just going to miss me a lot. But I know we'll be able to do this. Camille is going to periodically update my blog, because I don't know how much internet access I'll have. On an unhappy note, Corinne (my brother's ex-fiance, the baby's mama), is pregnant. Now we definitely think she got pregnant on purpose with Phoenix (my brother was about to leave her) and we wonder if she got pregnant on purpose this time too. It looks like she was pregnant less than 4 months after her and my brother broke up. We hope this won't affect the custody thing.

Other than that, all I have left is to clean out the fridge, because I really don't want to come home to 2 month old pork and beans.

have a great summer,
Stacia

Brick Lane

I just finished Brick Lane by Monica Ali. It is brilliant. It is about an immigrant, Muslim woman's life in England, before and after 9/11. I have read other Muslim literature before, especially Salman Rushdie, but this book took a very different perspective of culture clash and difficulty of not exactly fitting into your "new" society while not being able to go back to you old one. The book was beautifully written, and I couldn't put it down. It also ended on a sad but hopeful note. I would highly recommend it to anyone.

I told Wes I want to make us work. I do care about him very much, maybe a bit afraid to admit I love him. But it does feel right. I don't know what that means, but it feels natural, and safe and like it's meant to be. So, we'll see what the future holds. Just telling him that, most of the fear went away. I feel good.

I need to pack. I think half my suitcase is going to be filled with stuff for Elena and her family. I don't know what I'm going to fill it with on the way back. I've been there twice and don't really need anymore souvenirs. And I'm not buying that many gifts. Oh well. I think it's starting to hit home that I'm leaving for Russia for the whole summer. This will be the longest I will have ever been there. I hope I still like it when I get home.

My life is filled with hope and excitement!

Stacia

Not stating the obvious. . . for obvious reasons

Last night I checked out Camille's blog and she had a link to another blog, which I also checked out. Since I have no idea how computer's work (there's a hamster on a wheel in there, right?), I don't know how to add the link, but you can click on her link on my page and go about it the long way (yes, I know several of my links don't work and I don't know why). Anyway, this page is about secrets. It made me cry and it made me want to hug every single person I meet from here on out and tell them that someone loves them. Only, I don't have enough energy to love everyone. Sometimes, I don't have enough energy to love myself. But it made me think about my secrets. Only I don't really have any. Everyone knows that during the last months of my marriage I prayed my (ex)husband would die. But, sometimes we keep secrets from ourselves too. So, I guess this is my secret. I'm afraid to be loved by a man. I'm afraid I'm not worth it and that any man who thinks he loves me will someday realize the truth about who I am and leave me. And I know this is a large part of my problem with Wes. Because if I let him love me, and then he leaves, not only would I lose a great man, I would lose a really good long-term friend. And if I do let him love me, I would cry and cry and cry and cry. Probably for hours. Snotty nose crying. Hyperventilating crying. Just letting out all the pain, shame, and fear until all I felt was hope. I think I'll wait until I get back from Russia, because I really don't have time before then.

I'm a dirty, rotten whore. And you're just jealous because either, a) I won't sleep with you, or b) you don't have men lining up to do you. I went out to dinner with two guy friends last night. One of them, I really, really like. Which is weird because he is not physically attractive in any way, shape or form. Just something about his personality. And I could never picture anything with him long term. So, this is the issue: he has a long-distance girlfriend. And there's Wes. And this other guy is moving out of the state while I'm in Russia. And we both really want each other bad. He's never stated it, but last night his words and actions were so obvious, that even my poor, totally out of it friend, Sean, was rolling his eyes. This other guy offered to help watch over my place while I'm in Russia. I told him I could bring him my key and e-mail him information. But he thought it would make more sense if he came over, ON A SATURDAY NIGHT, so I could show him around. I live in a one-bedroom apartment. What the hell am I supposed to show him? I don't know yet. I guess I'll just figure that out later. Like when I get back from Russia, because I really don't have time before then.

August vacation

I had a pretty good day yesterday. Went swimming again, and that felt good. I'm excited that I'll be able to swim in Russia. That sounds like such a minor thing, but I find that these are the places where you get to know "real" Russians. Besides, I want to see the condition of their pools. Besides the flowers, I also got the books I ordered for my Russian trip. A smaller, not falling apart, dictionary, a phrase book, a grammar book and a tourist guide. I've never bought one of those before (the tourist guide) and I've been to Russia twice, Germany once and Mexico once. So, that's kind of a new experience, to read about everything I've missed by only going to places suggested by my Russian friends. It's a nice one too. Cover price was $25 but I got it for $16 on Amazon.com (gotta love it). I've been getting almost daily e-mails from the program (actr.org) about itinerary, directions, stuff to bring, ect. I'm starting to get really, really excited. I can't wait. I still have more gifts to buy, but other than that, I feel pretty prepared (ok, I still have to pay all the bills before I leave, but other than that).

Talked to Wes last night. He said everyone knew how well the vacation went without asking. He said he can't stop smiling. He also told me he's not going to date anyone, mostly because he has no desire to. I told him I appreciated that, and while I haven't dated in almost 4 years, I just didn't feel like I could make that promise yet. He was cool with that. He also wants to take me on a cruise at the end of August. It sounds nice, but sounds too much like a honeymoon. He's moving to the East coast and I've never really spent any time there, so I'm going to suggest I just come for a visit instead. I do want to spend time with him, I just think a cruise would put too much pressure on me. Besides, I want to get married on a cruise.

Anyway, I have to run around today with a few more errands (picking up enough birth control for 2 months: I plan on skipping my period while I'm there, because who really wants to use Russian tampons? Did you know that tampons is not part of the blog spellcheck?), buy more gifts and I think I'm having dinner tonight with a couple of my friends. I also want to finish the new book I started, but I don't think I'll be able to.

Stacia

The Bluest Eye

This is one of the most depressing books I have ever read. This poor little black girl wants blue eyes because she thinks she's ugly and that blue eyes would make her beautiful to herself and society. I just want to hug her and tell her she is beautiful just the way she is. From this point forward, I promise that no matter what, I will always find at least one physical attribute to compliment on every little girl I ever meet. I hope Toni Morrison realizes what a great job she did of writing this girl's story. I would recommend it to everyone. This book will also make you look around to all the fashion magazines to see how mainstream beauty is portrayed. Not just the skinny girls, but the lack of color. Beauty still isn't colorblind and it should be.

ok, I'm going to read another book, and hopefully not one as depressing,
Stacia

ps. brownine and PJ party this weekend at my place.

Ahhhhhhh!

This morning, at a quarter to 9, I hadn't showered, or brushed my teeth, or hair, hadn't washed my face, wearing nasty clothes, and the doorbell rings. It's fed-ex with a package. I open it and it's a dozen pink tulips (my favorite) with this note. "I know you won't have long to enjoy these but I wanted to say what a wonderful time I had being with you last week. I would wait a lifetime to be with you forever. With love, Wes." What can one say to that? I mean, really?

Water

I went swimming, for the first time in more than two weeks, today. I also got my second Hep B shot today, so my arm was a bit sore. I wanted to do at least 8 laps (1/2 mile), but some jerk, who should have been in the fast lane instead of the slow lane, butt in. Since I swim to reduce stress, I refuse to swim after someone has pissed me off: it defeats the purpose. But I did manage to do 7 laps, and it felt really good. I think I may have pushed my arm too far though. We'll see how it feels tomorrow.

Yesterday I cleaned my entire apartment. It looks really nice. I also read Like Water for Chocolate. The book was really good, but I really didn't like the ending. In the end, Tita has to choose between intense, burning, life-threatening passion, or a stable, loving man who makes her happy but doesn't necessarily set her on fire. Well (spoiler ahead), she chooses passion and in the end of the book, literally burns to death with her lover (that must have been some orgasm). I have felt that type of passion, and it is life-threatening. People make dumb-ass choices and decisions for this type of love. And in the end, all it does is burn you. At this point in my life, I would prefer the stability, the safety and the comfort of a less passionate relationship. Maybe that's why I'm considering Wes. If a computer dating service saw our profiles, it would hook us up. We work well together, laugh together, and feel safe together. I think he feels much more passion for me than I do for him. But I don't want to give the impression that I don't feel any passion or desire for Wes, because that's not true either. I don't know how to explain it. When I was in a passionate relationship I felt like I would die if it ended and I was constantly worried that it would. With Wes, I know I wouldn't die and I know he will always be there for me. If it ended, I would miss him terribly, but I could go on. With the other relationships, the passion was so great that it couldn't have possibly gotten any stronger. With Wes, I expect it to get stronger for years and years. So, I'm not madly, passionately in love with Wes, but I think what I feel is probably better, stronger, and safer than anything that is based on passion. Now, if I didn't think I could fall in love with Wes, I wouldn't even consider a relationship with him. I am perfectly happy alone, and the thought of being alone forever doesn't bother me (especially since I'm not really alone: I have friends and family). I will wait and see what happens.

Camille, sorry it took me this long, but here are your 5 questions:

1. What is your most favorite memory of us together?
2. What do you consider your best physical feature?
3. If you were given $5000 and couldn't spend it on anyone but yourself (and not on bills) what would you do with it?
4. Where's the one place you want to visit with just you and Bart? The whole family? Just you?
5. Do you still want to be an astronaut? If not, what is the non-realistic job you would like?

Alright, I got a ton of stuff done today for my trip, but I need to study my Russian.
Stacia

Big sigh of relief

Well, Wes left today. And the big sigh of relief is NOT because he is gone. I'm actually going to miss him. We ended up having a great week, lot's of long talks and I think we may even have a future. We talked about family, growing up, school, church, religion, personal beliefs, relationships, stability, travel, food, sex, kids, adoption, money, marriage and feelings. Feelings: not a topic I enjoy discussing. Wes has them, strong. At this point, I have them, but they're not that strong. I think we would be very happy if we were together. And I've never really thought that about anyone. I also know I could fall in love with him. So I guess it just comes down to the timing and distance thing. He thinks it's possible. I just don't know yet. I will just sit back and see. Besides, I leave for Russia in 10 days and have a ton of stuff to do before then.

So, the big sigh is because it went well. Better than I thought. At this point, he appears willing to be very patient about everything. We will see what happens.

Did I mention that at the zoo, the cow licked my arm? It was weird. Also, my nephew looks so old in the pictures I just got back. I already miss him too.

Stacia

Farmer's Market Day

I'm so excited it's Saturday!!!!! I love the Farmer's Market. It is my absolutely favorite thing about living in Madison. Today, Wes and I are going to go. And it's sunny out. It will be a good day today.

This week is actually turning out really well. There was that rocky start, but it has smoothed out considerably since then. Wes and I are having a really good time together and we are comfortable with each other. We've done almost everything there is to do around town, and we've gone shopping a couple of times. Yesterday he bought me a new outfit and a digital camera. He said I really needed one for my trip to Russia. We kind of argued about that one for a while. My mama taught me never to accept expensive gifts from men you weren't really in a relationship with, but Wes argued that it was just my Christmas present, for the last 15 years. I was teasing him about being my sugar daddy, but he said that really wasn't the position he wanted. At least permanently. We've had some really good conversations, but I'll write about those later. Camille, I think this is going to be ok. I'll call you next week.

ok, I need to get ready for the Farmer's Market. I've also noticed a lot of people are beautifying their blogs. I don't have time for that now, but maybe when I get back. I'd like to put some links on here.

Everyone have a great Memorial Day weekend, and please take at least a moment to acknowledge and thank those men and women who bravely and dutifully died defending our rights and freedoms. And if you know someone who is still in the service, let them know how much you appreciate them.

Stacia

Vacation saga #2

Wes is here this week. I went and picked him up in my red dress. I looked absolutely fantastic. The reception went well. Wes definitely enjoys people in a way I don't. But it went well. Sunday we went to campus and walked up the shopping district. He bought me a very pretty sundress. We also got icecream, and generally just enjoyed the day. I made him watch Napoleon Dynamite and he now thinks I have a very strange sense of humor (I do). We also watched Sean of the Dead. Hilarious.

Monday, we went to a bookstore and the mall. Then, he decided we should go out and drink. So, I called a few of my friends and we went out. In hindsight, not the best idea. We both got hammered and things went a little bit too far. He didn't even remember what happened the next day (it took a full day for both of us to recuperate). All of a sudden his eyes got real big and he looked at me. And apologized profusely. He also said his punishment was the fact that he didn't really remember what had happened, but just knew something had. I was a little pissed at that point, but he really did make up for it. He told me he hadn't expected that at all. That before he got here he would have been happy with just cuddling and some kissing. And he didn't suggest we do it again, and he hasn't tried. We've also had some really good conversations. And we do get along rather well. Today we're going to go to the zoo, and tonight we're going to see episode 3. Tomorrow, the capital building and the museum. Friday, the biggest brat fest in the world. Saturday, the farmer's market and an organ concert and Sunday he goes home.

So, that's about it for now. I'll update again when he leaves.

Stacia says "moo"

I just got back from my "vacation" and now I need to sleep for a week. Only Wes is coming tomorrow. My vacation was really great, but there were so many people there, and I feel like I spent all my time taking care of my nephew (which was fun) or helping Grandma keep the house clean (which was not fun because I think I was the only one (out of 10) doing this). Phoenix and I went for at least 2 walks a day. I would kill for half of his energy and half of his nap time! He can say many words, but not my name. He did know who I was though, and if you asked him where I was, he would come pat me. He also knows all his animal sounds and Grandma was asking him all of them, and then asked "what sound does Stacia make," hence the title of this blog. He is sooooo cute! My brother looks great too! He finally shaved his head (he had long hair and is definitely going bald). I have a huge headache right now, but I should be cleaning the house.

Wes is coming tomorrow and I guess I already did all the freaking out. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and then picking him up from the airport and then going to the reception. I'm wearing a very sexy red dress. I just tried it on, and it is even sexier than I remembered. I guess we'll find out right away if Wes is a gentleman. If he's not, he can turn around and get back on the plane!

ok, I'm exhausted and I think I'm going to relax a bit before trying to get some sleep (in a bed where my sister isn't sleeping and waking me up because she can't sleep).

And the winner is. . . .

It is finished. My papers are turned in. The finals are graded. Semester grades have been tallied. I am currently getting ready for the lovely (and long) 8 hour drive to my grandparents, thrilled beyond belief that it is raining and cold all the way there. Such perfect driving weather. But it is my vacation, and I am going to enjoy it. I won't be updating for a week though, so don't miss me too much.

So, the absolute winner for the dumbest things written on the final exams:

Tolstoy and Gogol were "realist" because they were able to accurately describe the negative aspects of Soviet society.

closely followed by:

Orthodoxy played a much more important role in Russia than in any other European country.

And no, I'm not going to explain why these are hilarious. If you want to know, you can look it up. That is your assignment for the next week.

Stacia

Questions from you

The deal:1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So here are Beth's questions for me.

1) Is there any person, people, or cause that you would not hesitate to give your life for? What is it and why?

The first person I thought of was Camille. Camille has been my best friend since we were 13 and we've been through some really hard times together. And of course, my family too.

2) Where were you when you first heard about 9-11? In what ways were you affected?

I had just recently moved to Madison and I was in training for my new job. They came in a announced it before anyone really knew what was going on. I called home and found out that both my dad and brother had been sent home from work because they worked in downtown Dallas. I don't know anyone who was killed or injured, but my uncle is a minister in the reserves and he had to formally contact several families of those killed in the Pentagon. I just remember thinking how hard that had to have been.

3) What literary character do you most identify with and why?

That would have to be Dolgoruky in Dostoevsky's The Adolescent. The book is about this young man who thinks he is an adult, mature, intelligent and better than everyone else. The book goes through a period of time when he finds out he's not really an adult, he's not mature, he doesn't know anything and that he isn't better, morally or intellectually, than anyone else. And only once he realizes this can be become an adult. I just really related to the character and the process of "becoming an adult" and confident in who I am.

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt and you could hardly breathe? Who were you with, and what were you laughing about?

It was probably Camille and it was probably Christmas time and it was probably about something stupid. Although, I've laughed pretty hard lately with my friend Sarah. We've been laughing about school (she's another graduate student), students (she also TA's) and sex (we both need it).

5) What is love? What is hate?

To me love is not a romantic feeling. It has nothing to do with flowers or cards, or warm fuzzies. And it really doesn't have anything to do with sex. For me love is what my grandparents have. My grandfather was hit by shrapnel in WWII and is pretty much in constant pain. (The doctors actually only gave him 5 years to live, said he would never walk again and never have kids: boy, they were wrong on all counts). But my grandma takes such good care of him. He is grumpy and can be mean (he's in pain!), but she loves him and takes care of ALL his needs, and they aren't all exactly pleasant. To me, that is love.

Hate, wow, that's a hard one. There's two types for me. The type where you feel so passionately about something that it can turn into hate (think ex-boyfriend type of passion where you're mad at yourself because you can't get him out of your head or heart) and then there's the situation where someone has done something so bad to someone you love that you want to take a baseball bat to their head (think of the man who molested my brother when he was 16).

ok, I have a hair appointment, but this was fun! Made me think about myself in new ways.

Papers, papers, sex

If I spend all this time writing these papers, I think I deserve a good reward afterwards, like sex! So I've thought about the whole situation and talked to my best friend Camille, because she knows me better than anyone and I've decided, I'm just going to see what happens with all the situations and enjoy the ride. I'm still slightly irritated with Wes. Why did he have to bring up the possibility of us having a committed relationship together about 4 years before that's actually a possibility? Did he really expect me to just sit around and wait while he went out and did his thing? So, since we don't have a commitment and we've both made it very clear that we don't have a commitment, I refuse to feel guilty for any of my thoughts or actions with other men. And, Wes is not getting any when he is here next week. I just don't feel comfortable with that.

So, what's the best way to ask an acquaintance if he'd like to get it on?

The next week is going to be very hectic, and then I leave Friday to visit family. Before then, I have to finish writing 2 twenty page papers. At this point, I have 17 crappy pages for one, and 12 pretty good pages for the other. Tomorrow morning, at 7:45am my students take their final exams, and then I have 3 days to grade about 40 finals, while I'm trying to finish my papers. Then I drive 8 hours to visit family. I come back on the 20th, Wes flies in on the 21st and leaves on the 29th and I leave for Russia on June 7th. Ok, the next month is going to be hectic. Please send lot's of energy vibes my way!

Am I evil?

Ok, so the last post was about the beautiful flowers Wes sent me and how sweet and great that was. This post is about this guy I know here in Madison I want to nail. Does that make me evil? I actually wrote about him back in March, but the situation seemed hopeless at the time. Things have changed. Although, it wouldn't be a relationship, at least not the type Wes wants with me. This other guy is a colleague, but due to situations is leaving at the end of the summer. There's definately an attraction there but it would be a totally casual thing. I'm not going to have sex with Wes, because it's a long distance thing, and I know he's still having sex with other people. It would be too difficult for me to be in an open "committed relationship." So, what do I do? This other guy knows about Wes. Wes doesn't know about anything. Like I told a friend last night, "If Wes can't keep his dick in his pants, why should I keep other people's dicks out of mine?"

A little help here!

Roses

Today, when I came home from school, there were a dozen yellow roses waiting for me with a card. "Thought you might like something pretty (other than you) around the house while you study. See you soon, Wes." They are so beautiful. Now, I'm not a highly romantic person, and I'm not the type of girl who expects flowers, and Wes knows that. So I guess that makes them even more special, because, not only is it not my birthday or Valentines day, but I would have been perfectly happy with Wes even if he hadn't sent flowers. Now I really can't wait to see him!

It's not a dream

Wes called at 11:00p last night, apologizing because he knows I'm in bed asleep, but he needs to confirm his flight times with me before he buys. So after I confirm, he buys the plane tickets while we're on the phone. And he e-mails me the itinerary. HE'S REALLY COMING! I'm so excited and nervous and scared and excited and, and, and. And so is he! He's very nervous and scared and excited too. Which I think is a good thing, because I know he doesn't think he's just showing up to get some (which he isn't getting anyway). He didn't want to tell me how he felt about the situation because he was afraid it would freak me out and change the way I acted towards him, but he said we would talk about it while he is here. You know, feelings. But beyond the serious stuff, we are going to have so much fun. This gives me some incentive to keep the house clean and get my papers written.

Yesterday started out pretty good. I found five dollars at the gym. And as a poor student I felt bad, but how are you going to figure out which poor student lost five dollars? So I'm five dollars richer.

But then, last night, I got hit with one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I got those little spangly things in front of my eyes, so I took Tylenol immediately, and that usually heads off the worst of it. Not last night. Last night, I couldn't even see anything for more than 2 hours. During and for many hours after that, intense pain. Which means, I didn't get any homework done, because how are you going to read and write in that condition? Which sucks. So, I will be busy, busy, busy until next Thursday, when I would like to be done. I guess I should go get started.