Spring began today. So it's a great time to start my "new" life. Sunday I took my last birth control pill. Now I'm cramping and in a pissy mood, but hey, that's part of being a woman. But I guess this is it. The beginning processes of baby making has begun. My husband is very excited. I am too. I'm just scared as well.
Today I went to substitute teaching orientation. I really didn't want to go, but now I am really excited about it. Because I have a MA I am qualified to teach provisionally, not only substitute. I think I will greatly enjoy subbing/teaching for the next year or so, until other things change (see above paragraph). I'm still going to look for a job at a community college, but subbing actually pays more (isn't that sad). I'm getting bored at home and extra money will be nice too.
I'm also excited because in the past couple of months I've re-established contact with four people I haven't heard from/seen for at least a year, some much longer. I love old friends. I would love some new friends too. I have a feeling we'll probably be living in Virginia Beach for at least another 6 years. If we do move, we would probably remain on the east coast to be close to Wes's kids. But, since Wes's x is from Italy, she has tentatively agreed to let the kids live with us, once they are teenagers, if Wes is stationed in Italy. But, until then, I think we're going to stay here. So I need to make some friends. It's time to start my life here. It's spring time. It's time to embrace my new life, to stop resenting the past and to create my future.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
Little Miss Sunshine
Funniest movie ever. Ok. just because it took 4 different times to try to log in becuase I am totally buzzed (hey, three glasses of wine, because I won't be able to soon), doesn't mean this wasn't laugh out loud hilarious. Maybe not as funny as "the House of Yes" (becuase incest is the ultimate funny), but still, a great movie. Well worth the hype and everyone should see it. Could Steve Carell get any sexier than a suicidal, bearded, homosexual? I don't think so, and I watch "The Office". Everyone should have been nominated for, and won, an oscar for this movie. I think I'll watch is again tomorrow. Thank you netflix. I laughed so hard I got the hiccups. And it has a feel good ending. What more could you want for a Friday night (if your husband is at sea because of the stupid navy)?
Plays and short stories
While in Minnesota I did more than freeze and crochet an afghan. I read. I read six months worth of Smithsonian (I'm up to Jan. of 2006 now!), and plenty of Dover Thrift Editions of plays and short stories. Here's the run down.
I'm going to start by discussing two plays by two different authors at the same time.
Oliver Goldsmith, "She stoops to conquer" and Oscar Wilde "The Importance of being Earnest"
Don't bother reading these "classic" plays. Ever. Don't go see them. Don't waste your brain power wondering about them. Both were written during the time period when men were expected, and even looked up to, for being man whores, while the women could not even smile at a man without being accused of being an actual whore. The double standards in both these plays appalled me, as did the portrayal in Wilde's play of "ladies" as complete dimwitted idiots. At least the women in Goldsmith were smart. The only reason I would ever suggest any woman ever read these plays is so that they appreciate how far we've come.
Henrik Ibsen, "Hedda Gabler"
Speaking of how far we've come. Go get this play right now and read it RIGHT NOW!!! Ibsen is an incredible writer and had amazing insight into the pathetic position intelligent, ambitious women were forced into circa 1890. While Hedda could easily be misunderstood or misrepresented, it is clear that her actions stem from the frustration of being viewed as an "inferior creature". At the least, she wants to inspire her husband (or anyone) in noble and successful ventures. The play concludes when Hedda realizes she will never be the muse she desperately wants to be. . . .
Anton Chekhov, "The Three Sisters"
This play also focuses on the frustration of women around the turn of the 20th century. But it also includes wonderful clues into the provincial life of Russia at that time. Although the play is about "three sisters," the lives of the men around them reveal the disappointment and discouragement caused by the political and economic situation in Russian, which led to personal disappointment for all. The inability to change the situation and even the apathy of most of the characters lead one to understand why Russia eventually rose up in revolution in 1905.
Alexander Pushkin, "The Amateur Peasant Girl," "The shot," "The snowstorm," and "The Postmaster"
Besides the fact that Pushkin knows how to tell a story, these stories should be read for their insight into Russian society (largely provincial) between 1815 and 1837. They tell a great deal concerning attitudes towards the serfs, Europe, education, and the social order. Fun and easy to read.
Henry James, "The Turn of the Screw"
I had never read any James before. I actually think this would make a great movie (maybe there's already one). It is supposed to be a suspenseful horror story. However, since the story largely revolves around the fact that two children are going to hell because they see ghosts and today hell doesn't really factor into the supernatural, I think a movie could better deliver the suspense. And if you've read the story, yes, I realize that's not a quite accurate description of the story, but close enough.
I'm going to start by discussing two plays by two different authors at the same time.
Oliver Goldsmith, "She stoops to conquer" and Oscar Wilde "The Importance of being Earnest"
Don't bother reading these "classic" plays. Ever. Don't go see them. Don't waste your brain power wondering about them. Both were written during the time period when men were expected, and even looked up to, for being man whores, while the women could not even smile at a man without being accused of being an actual whore. The double standards in both these plays appalled me, as did the portrayal in Wilde's play of "ladies" as complete dimwitted idiots. At least the women in Goldsmith were smart. The only reason I would ever suggest any woman ever read these plays is so that they appreciate how far we've come.
Henrik Ibsen, "Hedda Gabler"
Speaking of how far we've come. Go get this play right now and read it RIGHT NOW!!! Ibsen is an incredible writer and had amazing insight into the pathetic position intelligent, ambitious women were forced into circa 1890. While Hedda could easily be misunderstood or misrepresented, it is clear that her actions stem from the frustration of being viewed as an "inferior creature". At the least, she wants to inspire her husband (or anyone) in noble and successful ventures. The play concludes when Hedda realizes she will never be the muse she desperately wants to be. . . .
Anton Chekhov, "The Three Sisters"
This play also focuses on the frustration of women around the turn of the 20th century. But it also includes wonderful clues into the provincial life of Russia at that time. Although the play is about "three sisters," the lives of the men around them reveal the disappointment and discouragement caused by the political and economic situation in Russian, which led to personal disappointment for all. The inability to change the situation and even the apathy of most of the characters lead one to understand why Russia eventually rose up in revolution in 1905.
Alexander Pushkin, "The Amateur Peasant Girl," "The shot," "The snowstorm," and "The Postmaster"
Besides the fact that Pushkin knows how to tell a story, these stories should be read for their insight into Russian society (largely provincial) between 1815 and 1837. They tell a great deal concerning attitudes towards the serfs, Europe, education, and the social order. Fun and easy to read.
Henry James, "The Turn of the Screw"
I had never read any James before. I actually think this would make a great movie (maybe there's already one). It is supposed to be a suspenseful horror story. However, since the story largely revolves around the fact that two children are going to hell because they see ghosts and today hell doesn't really factor into the supernatural, I think a movie could better deliver the suspense. And if you've read the story, yes, I realize that's not a quite accurate description of the story, but close enough.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
What did I just agree to?
I just turned 33 years old. My husband will turn 34 this year. He has two children, nine and six. He told me he would like more children, but since he already has 2, it would be up to me. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. But I also thought I would be single. So I aways thought I would adopt. The thought of being pregnant just grosses me out. You have a little fungi, alien, parasitical thing living in you and it destroys your body. Who wants to go through that? Wes never had a problem with adoption. Yet, I've somehow found myself offering to try to get pregnant. What happened? Well. . . .
Because Wes already has two kids, he doesn't want to wait too long before we add to the family (we do want them out of the house before we're old). And since I have no life purpose right now, since my advisor screwed me over, I think adding to our family now is a great idea. Why are we looking to get pregnant instead of adopt? Two reasons: you have to be married for two years before you can start the adoption process and the navy hates us. Wes is currently at sea. He will get back in May. He leaves for his next 6 months at sea next April. Which is less than a year away. Our two year anniversary is in February. Between February and April doesn't really leave enough time to apply for adoption, especially for the home studies and all that. By the time he'll get home, I'll have less than 6 months before I'm 35 years old. So what is a couple to do? Why, try to get pregnant now, of course!
Wes is thrilled. Beyond thrilled. He wants twins. He even agreed (sorta) to let the kids have my last name. I am shocked, scared, and feeling way not ready for this. But I've talked to many moms who said they didn't feel ready when they became moms. Even if they wanted to be moms. My own mom admitted she felt like a "fake" mom until her third kid: I was 13 by that time. So I figure I'll work through that aspect of it. I think part of the problem is that I've only thought of myself as a student/professor in training for almost my entire life. Now switching to wife/mom is difficult. I know I was a great TA. I don't know if I'll be a great mom. There's so many fears and concerns. I am excited, but I still feel like it's not real. I guess it's not. I haven't even had sex since November. That would be a necessity for babymaking. Can't wait to start that part!
Ideally I would get pregnant right before Wes left next April. That way I wouldn't be alone with a baby. Since I suffer from depression, post-partum, especially if I were alone, is a concern. But, since I've never been pregnant before, or tried before, and I'm 33, we have no idea how long it will take for me to get pregnant. Wes thinks it'll happen right away because he apparently has magic sperm and my eggs don't really factor into that. But I would rather be pregnant and alone than have a new-born and be alone. So I hope it doesn't happen until after next January. If it doesn't happen at all, then when Wes gets back after that trip we will start the adoption process. And if we have a second kid it will be adopted. I haven't give up on that.
When I married Wes I never thought my life would change this much, this fast. I've looked stuff up on line and I'll go see the doctor within the next couple of weeks. I suppose I should go off the pill in the next couple of weeks too (hey, if his sperm is so magic, why bother?). I'll probably go to the library and check out some books. I want to make sure I'm eating right. I checked my weight to make sure it's healthy. (An aside: I bought a new bikini on Sunday. I feel like a cow in it, but I know my husband will love it. When I checked my weight, I'm less than 10 lbs over the lowest weight I should be for my height (a 30 lb spread), yet I feel like a cow. What's wrong with me?) I know I can still swim while I'm pregnant. I love to swim. And if I do get pregnant, I'll finally have boobs. That's kind of exciting.
Well, that's the big news in my life.
Because Wes already has two kids, he doesn't want to wait too long before we add to the family (we do want them out of the house before we're old). And since I have no life purpose right now, since my advisor screwed me over, I think adding to our family now is a great idea. Why are we looking to get pregnant instead of adopt? Two reasons: you have to be married for two years before you can start the adoption process and the navy hates us. Wes is currently at sea. He will get back in May. He leaves for his next 6 months at sea next April. Which is less than a year away. Our two year anniversary is in February. Between February and April doesn't really leave enough time to apply for adoption, especially for the home studies and all that. By the time he'll get home, I'll have less than 6 months before I'm 35 years old. So what is a couple to do? Why, try to get pregnant now, of course!
Wes is thrilled. Beyond thrilled. He wants twins. He even agreed (sorta) to let the kids have my last name. I am shocked, scared, and feeling way not ready for this. But I've talked to many moms who said they didn't feel ready when they became moms. Even if they wanted to be moms. My own mom admitted she felt like a "fake" mom until her third kid: I was 13 by that time. So I figure I'll work through that aspect of it. I think part of the problem is that I've only thought of myself as a student/professor in training for almost my entire life. Now switching to wife/mom is difficult. I know I was a great TA. I don't know if I'll be a great mom. There's so many fears and concerns. I am excited, but I still feel like it's not real. I guess it's not. I haven't even had sex since November. That would be a necessity for babymaking. Can't wait to start that part!
Ideally I would get pregnant right before Wes left next April. That way I wouldn't be alone with a baby. Since I suffer from depression, post-partum, especially if I were alone, is a concern. But, since I've never been pregnant before, or tried before, and I'm 33, we have no idea how long it will take for me to get pregnant. Wes thinks it'll happen right away because he apparently has magic sperm and my eggs don't really factor into that. But I would rather be pregnant and alone than have a new-born and be alone. So I hope it doesn't happen until after next January. If it doesn't happen at all, then when Wes gets back after that trip we will start the adoption process. And if we have a second kid it will be adopted. I haven't give up on that.
When I married Wes I never thought my life would change this much, this fast. I've looked stuff up on line and I'll go see the doctor within the next couple of weeks. I suppose I should go off the pill in the next couple of weeks too (hey, if his sperm is so magic, why bother?). I'll probably go to the library and check out some books. I want to make sure I'm eating right. I checked my weight to make sure it's healthy. (An aside: I bought a new bikini on Sunday. I feel like a cow in it, but I know my husband will love it. When I checked my weight, I'm less than 10 lbs over the lowest weight I should be for my height (a 30 lb spread), yet I feel like a cow. What's wrong with me?) I know I can still swim while I'm pregnant. I love to swim. And if I do get pregnant, I'll finally have boobs. That's kind of exciting.
Well, that's the big news in my life.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Happy Birthday Camille!!!
Today is Camille's 33rd birthday. When Camille and I first met, she was a grade ahead of me and she had lied to everyone about her age, claiming to be a year older than she was. We were teenagers, and it was cool to be older. So I wouldn't be surprised if Camille decided she was only 32 this year. I'm watching you girl: I know the game.
This was the earliest picture of us I could find (I know my dad has earlier pictures of us at a school formal, but really, why would I want to embarass us like that). I think we're 18. There was another picture I wanted to post, but I couldn't find it. It wasn't a very flattering picture of Camille but her little baby sister is in the bottom corner with her finger up her nose. I love that picture. Anyway, I wish Camille's hair wasn't pulled back because it went down to her waist. It was really beautiful. And in case you weren't sure where her waist was, just look at the jeans. Apparently this was before people decided it was cool to have jeans so low your crack always showed.
Happy Birthday Camille!!! I hope you have a great year and that life gets easier with age and wisdom.
Also, happy birthday to my cousin Shanti.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
I can go outside without a coat on!
I am home in Virginia Beach. It is warm and sunny. I have my bedroom window open. It is a beautiful thing. There is so much to write about, so this will probably be unorganized and incomplete.
Things I did when in Minnesota.
I crocheted an entire afghan. The size is slightly off because I started adding stitches somewhere and we didn't take out all the rows that had extra stitches. We only took out 8 of them (yes, we caught it after about a foot). But I did it and I enjoyed it and I will do it again. I am creative!!! So there.
I started flossing my teeth everyday. Something I always knew I should do, but never "had time" to do it. I had plenty of time there. Now my teeth will be even more beautiful.
I decided I will never live where it gets that cold. I don't mind the snow: it can be beautiful. But the cold, that's completely different. I'm just going to talk half of my family into moving someplace warmer.
I had a wonderful time with my grandma and I know I will always cherish these memories. I got her to tell me alot of stories. Some I wanted to know (when she started crocheting, driving, quilting), others I didn't want or need to know (how my grandpa was in bed). But I'm sad because I know she's lonely now. When I called to tell her I was home she told me how much it meant to her that I was there and she started crying. I hope she starts getting involved in her church and with her friends again. I don't want my grandma to be lonely. I did ask her to come with me, but she said no.
I also got to spend some time with my cousin and we had a great time. I really do like my family. I just wish they weren't all so far away.
I've already picked up my mail and paid all the bills. Now I just have to read the 10 magazines and 4 catalogs that I also got. And figure out what the book club sent me that I didn't order. I need to clean and do laundry (after I unpack), get groceries, clean out my fridge because some genius decided not to do it before they left (oh, if I wait three weeks, they'll be able to walk into the garbage disposal), e-mail and call a ton of people (if you're one of them, please be patient) and then find a job. And the time changes tonight, so it's like I'm losing two hours instead of one. At least I get to go outside without a coat on. Did I mention that my plants hate me right now too? I think most of them will revive shortly though.
On a sadder note, while I was gone I found out that my first youth pastor, who has remained a family friend, passed away. He has had brain cancer (or something like that) for more than two years. They originally gave him less than 6 months, but he got into a trial study. During that time he was able to put his things in order to make sure his wife would be taken care of and he was able to walk his only daughter (and only child) down the aisle when she married. He was a wonderful man with a great sense of humor. He was truly a godly man, one who loved God and showed God's love to others. He will be greatly missed and fondly remembered.
Also, Phoenix's aunt (his mama's sister) died of a drug overdose on Wednesday. She was only 20 years old. Phoenix doesn't understand what's going on, but he does understand that his mama is sad and that she keeps crying. They were very close and it looked like her sister was trying to get clean. I guess it only takes one relapse. I feel so bad for them. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to send a sympathy card?
That's all I'm going to write for now. I have plenty more to write later. I hope everyone is doing well and I'm so glad to be back home.
Things I did when in Minnesota.
I crocheted an entire afghan. The size is slightly off because I started adding stitches somewhere and we didn't take out all the rows that had extra stitches. We only took out 8 of them (yes, we caught it after about a foot). But I did it and I enjoyed it and I will do it again. I am creative!!! So there.
I started flossing my teeth everyday. Something I always knew I should do, but never "had time" to do it. I had plenty of time there. Now my teeth will be even more beautiful.
I decided I will never live where it gets that cold. I don't mind the snow: it can be beautiful. But the cold, that's completely different. I'm just going to talk half of my family into moving someplace warmer.
I had a wonderful time with my grandma and I know I will always cherish these memories. I got her to tell me alot of stories. Some I wanted to know (when she started crocheting, driving, quilting), others I didn't want or need to know (how my grandpa was in bed). But I'm sad because I know she's lonely now. When I called to tell her I was home she told me how much it meant to her that I was there and she started crying. I hope she starts getting involved in her church and with her friends again. I don't want my grandma to be lonely. I did ask her to come with me, but she said no.
I also got to spend some time with my cousin and we had a great time. I really do like my family. I just wish they weren't all so far away.
I've already picked up my mail and paid all the bills. Now I just have to read the 10 magazines and 4 catalogs that I also got. And figure out what the book club sent me that I didn't order. I need to clean and do laundry (after I unpack), get groceries, clean out my fridge because some genius decided not to do it before they left (oh, if I wait three weeks, they'll be able to walk into the garbage disposal), e-mail and call a ton of people (if you're one of them, please be patient) and then find a job. And the time changes tonight, so it's like I'm losing two hours instead of one. At least I get to go outside without a coat on. Did I mention that my plants hate me right now too? I think most of them will revive shortly though.
On a sadder note, while I was gone I found out that my first youth pastor, who has remained a family friend, passed away. He has had brain cancer (or something like that) for more than two years. They originally gave him less than 6 months, but he got into a trial study. During that time he was able to put his things in order to make sure his wife would be taken care of and he was able to walk his only daughter (and only child) down the aisle when she married. He was a wonderful man with a great sense of humor. He was truly a godly man, one who loved God and showed God's love to others. He will be greatly missed and fondly remembered.
Also, Phoenix's aunt (his mama's sister) died of a drug overdose on Wednesday. She was only 20 years old. Phoenix doesn't understand what's going on, but he does understand that his mama is sad and that she keeps crying. They were very close and it looked like her sister was trying to get clean. I guess it only takes one relapse. I feel so bad for them. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to send a sympathy card?
That's all I'm going to write for now. I have plenty more to write later. I hope everyone is doing well and I'm so glad to be back home.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
I'll bring the blizzard
Thursday was my birthday. And what did I get. I got a blizzard. With 18 inches of snow. This is me yesterday (Friday) in the pile of snow taken from my grandma's one car driveway, before the last 3 inches of snow arrived. Yes, apparently I am a bad weather bringer. If you remember, my family got stuck in Colorado a couple days after Christmas in all that mess. And when I tried to get out to MN the whole Northeast was buried. And now this. I am so ready to go home.But the day was good. My grandma made me a cake. My dad called early to let me know how beautiful the weather was in TX (thanks dad). My mom called later. And then, to make me very, very happy, Camille called. That really made my day. I knew she was thinking of me, but I hadn't given her my grandma's number and my cell doesn't work up here (I told you I was in the middle of nowhere). She had called my mom to get my number and that made me so happy. When I went to bed I thought about what a great friend she is and realized that we have been friends for 20 years. And I'm sure we'll be friends for 20 more years. Then we'll still be only 33 years old. Because I just can't live through many more blizzards!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Minnesota living
Hi Everyone! I managed to make it to my uncle's to water his plants and get on the web. Since I offered to do this, I am here by myself (without my grandma asking me every 30 seconds if I'm done yet) so I thought I'd say hi.
The airport experience was horrible, although not as bad as some. I was supposed to leave Virginia at 11:20am and arrive in MN at 3:30p. I left Virginia at 6:00p and got to MN at 10:00p. But at least I made it. My grandma is happy that I'm here. I've started crocheting and it is really hard. It kind of makes my fingers cramp. Consistent yarn tension is hard to achieve. I haven't gained any weight either, although grandma is trying. It's been pretty warm, so I've been walking everyday. I've seen deer everyday too, but too far away to take pictures. We're getting stuff done too. Today we ordered my grandpa's memorial stone. It's going to be beautiful. We've filled out all the paper work needed for all the insurance and such. The evenings are very, very long. I'm getting a lot of reading done. And that's about it. I feel very cut off from the rest of the world. Sometimes that's nice, sometimes, not so nice.
I hope everyone else is doing well.
The airport experience was horrible, although not as bad as some. I was supposed to leave Virginia at 11:20am and arrive in MN at 3:30p. I left Virginia at 6:00p and got to MN at 10:00p. But at least I made it. My grandma is happy that I'm here. I've started crocheting and it is really hard. It kind of makes my fingers cramp. Consistent yarn tension is hard to achieve. I haven't gained any weight either, although grandma is trying. It's been pretty warm, so I've been walking everyday. I've seen deer everyday too, but too far away to take pictures. We're getting stuff done too. Today we ordered my grandpa's memorial stone. It's going to be beautiful. We've filled out all the paper work needed for all the insurance and such. The evenings are very, very long. I'm getting a lot of reading done. And that's about it. I feel very cut off from the rest of the world. Sometimes that's nice, sometimes, not so nice.
I hope everyone else is doing well.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
All packed
I'm all packed and ready to go. I'm a bit nervous about the weather. I'm not going through Chicago (which cancelled 400 flights today) but I am going through Philadelphia. It's having bad weather, but not as bad as other areas. In Minnesota, it's just cold. It's supposed to be a high of 0 (zero) tomorrow. My cousin is picking me up and we'll probably drive to my grandma's tomorrow night (if I get there). It's about a 4 hour drive. Yes, my grandma lives in the middle of nowhere. My cell phone doesn't work and I'll probably only get to check my e-mail once a week. Although I may just put my computer in the car and drive around until I find some wireless. My grandma is really looking forward to my visit. If it wasn't so cold, I'd be more excited too. The area is very beautiful in the summer, right next to a lake. During the winter, it's cold. Just plain cold. And my grandma likes to bake. I'm going to be fat when I get back. I do enjoy my grandma's company, but there's not a lot going on up there. She's going to teach me to crochet. So, for three weeks, I'll be crocheting and eating baked goods. Yes, that probably is it. I hope you all have a great three weeks.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Cat's Cradle
I actually had a rather nice day yesterday. The ship pulled into port so Wes was able to call me. And he called me twice today. So at least I got to talk to him.
Beth, while getting a BA in English literature I had to read The Stranger twice. The classes I took focused on colonial literature. This introduced to excellent authors like Rushdie and Achebe. But the university apparently thought that if you were getting a degree in literature you must have already read the "real" classics. Go figure.
Today, I read Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle. Several years ago a Polish friend of mine recommended Vonnegut. I had no idea who he was and it took me this long to get around to it. I wish I had started sooner. This book was amazing, funny, thought-provoking and absolutely wonderful. It was such an easy read and so enjoyable. I couldn't put it down. Unfortunately this is the only book of his that I own. I will be visiting the library quite a bit. Please go read this book right now.
Beth, while getting a BA in English literature I had to read The Stranger twice. The classes I took focused on colonial literature. This introduced to excellent authors like Rushdie and Achebe. But the university apparently thought that if you were getting a degree in literature you must have already read the "real" classics. Go figure.
Today, I read Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle. Several years ago a Polish friend of mine recommended Vonnegut. I had no idea who he was and it took me this long to get around to it. I wish I had started sooner. This book was amazing, funny, thought-provoking and absolutely wonderful. It was such an easy read and so enjoyable. I couldn't put it down. Unfortunately this is the only book of his that I own. I will be visiting the library quite a bit. Please go read this book right now.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Happy Anniversary to me
Today is my one year wedding anniversary. I haven't seen my husband since Nov. 26th, 2006. I haven't talked to him in more than a week. I haven't had an e-mail from him since Tues. Stupid navy. I miss my husband.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Although my goal in life is to read everything (of value) ever written, I have neglected a certain genre. I have not read such classics as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein or Dracula. Why should I read them when their stories have become part of everyday culture? Do I have to read them to actually know what they're about? These stories float among us everyday so why waste time reading them.
Boy, was I wrong. I picked up Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (I do own all three books). First, it's very short, so why not read it. Secondly, this book is not about what you think it is about. It's actually much more frightening. I expected many Jack the Ripperish scenes of horror. There's actually only one scene that even comes close. I knew the book was about the duality of man, the good and the evil and the separation of the two with the transformation of Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. But this duality is not the terrifying part of the story. By now most of society can admit that we all harbor good and evil within us. But this story's horror comes from the fact that the "good" Dr. Jekyll feels no remorse for the sins of the "evil" Mr. Hyde. Why? Because since Mr. Hyde is "evil" and Dr. Jekyll is "good" then why should Dr. Jekyll be responsible for Mr. Hyde's actions. Why indeed!?! This book is a wonderful commentary on a society that does not want to be responsible for our own actions, or the actions of those we directly influence. By allowing Mr. Hyde to do evil it gives Dr. Jekyll the excitement of wrong-doing without responsibility. But if Dr. Jekyll is the "good" guy, the guy that allows evil behavior because it's "not him" doing it, we are all in trouble. I'm not suggesting we all pull out our placards and start acting like loonies, I'm just suggesting that maybe we should examine our own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Boy, was I wrong. I picked up Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (I do own all three books). First, it's very short, so why not read it. Secondly, this book is not about what you think it is about. It's actually much more frightening. I expected many Jack the Ripperish scenes of horror. There's actually only one scene that even comes close. I knew the book was about the duality of man, the good and the evil and the separation of the two with the transformation of Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. But this duality is not the terrifying part of the story. By now most of society can admit that we all harbor good and evil within us. But this story's horror comes from the fact that the "good" Dr. Jekyll feels no remorse for the sins of the "evil" Mr. Hyde. Why? Because since Mr. Hyde is "evil" and Dr. Jekyll is "good" then why should Dr. Jekyll be responsible for Mr. Hyde's actions. Why indeed!?! This book is a wonderful commentary on a society that does not want to be responsible for our own actions, or the actions of those we directly influence. By allowing Mr. Hyde to do evil it gives Dr. Jekyll the excitement of wrong-doing without responsibility. But if Dr. Jekyll is the "good" guy, the guy that allows evil behavior because it's "not him" doing it, we are all in trouble. I'm not suggesting we all pull out our placards and start acting like loonies, I'm just suggesting that maybe we should examine our own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
I'll have some wine with my oatmeal
I had the kids this past weekend. We had a good time. They played with the billions of toys they got for Christmas. We played board games. We went to church. We had a great time. And they drove me crazy sometimes. Growing up, my dad was very emotionally abusive. His favorite phrase, which I heard at least once a day, was "you stupid idiot." Now, he mellowed as he grew older and he has repeatedly apologized for this. But I now understand, to a certain extent. If I am currently washing your sister's hair, can I 1)hear you yell my name repeatedly and 2)come open your legos box? Stuff like that. Lots and lots of stuff like that. Now, I have my dad's personality. And I too have mellowed with time. That's why I think it's good that I haven't had children yet. I think I could handle it now (I didn't call the kids stupid idiots, even though I wanted to a few times). So overall, it was a successful weekend. My favorite: I have cranberry juice with breakfast every morning. Out of a juice glass. Victor asked me if I was having wine. Yes, yes I am. I always drink wine at eight in the morning, before I go to church. Doesn't everyone?
I found the school I want to go to. It has everything I want. EVERYTHING. It is perfect. It is also 5 hours away. I'm going to see what I can work out.
I talked to my grandma today. I'm leaving next week on Valentine's day to go back to MN. She is so excited. I told her I had lost all the weight I gained over Christmas. She said that was good so I could gain some more weight back when I'm there. She's going to teach me how to crochet. She got my grandpa's death certificate and it has the wrong birth date on it, so she has to get that corrected. She's been sorting through all his stuff. She sounds good but she said it is a little lonely. She was married for 58 years. That's a long time. But she's got stuff she's excited about. She's going to CA (where all her siblings live) for a nephew's birthday in April or May, my cousin's wedding in Minneapolis in April and my sister's wedding in TX in July. She hasn't traveled for years. It is good that she is willing to partake in the "positive" aspect of my grandpa's death. I can't wait to see her. I can wait for the below zero weather and the extra weight. Oh well. Anything for family.
I found the school I want to go to. It has everything I want. EVERYTHING. It is perfect. It is also 5 hours away. I'm going to see what I can work out.
I talked to my grandma today. I'm leaving next week on Valentine's day to go back to MN. She is so excited. I told her I had lost all the weight I gained over Christmas. She said that was good so I could gain some more weight back when I'm there. She's going to teach me how to crochet. She got my grandpa's death certificate and it has the wrong birth date on it, so she has to get that corrected. She's been sorting through all his stuff. She sounds good but she said it is a little lonely. She was married for 58 years. That's a long time. But she's got stuff she's excited about. She's going to CA (where all her siblings live) for a nephew's birthday in April or May, my cousin's wedding in Minneapolis in April and my sister's wedding in TX in July. She hasn't traveled for years. It is good that she is willing to partake in the "positive" aspect of my grandpa's death. I can't wait to see her. I can wait for the below zero weather and the extra weight. Oh well. Anything for family.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Comparison
Although I've been busy organizing and cleaning I haven't quit thinking about the sudden end to my life-long dream to be a history professor. A friend of mine who is currently going through a divorce compared marriage to graduate school. I started thinking about this and I think she may be right.
They both begin amidst hope and love. I know grad school will be hard, but I love history and I will work harder than anyone else for this. This is what I've always wanted and I'm willing to be poor for this. It will pay off in the end.
The first year is the hardest, as the reality of the situation kicks in. This is so hard. No one told me I would have to concentrate on school 24/7 and give up all my friends and socializing and my hobbies and just basically who I am. And I can't believe how expensive this is. How am I going to pay for all this? I want to quit.
But then, after surviving the first year, you realize, I can do this. I made it. I still love history. Yes, it's hard, but I'm going to learn to balance my life more and figure this out.
By the third and fourth year, you've just become a cynical, lonely, bitter person who doesn't want to give up because you've put so much time into it. You've worked so hard. And you know you loved history at one point in time. And do you really want to start over with something else anyway.
And then, someone else makes the choice for you. And it's over. And you beat yourself up. I should have tried more. I should have worked on my Russian language more. I should have spent more time in my advisor's office figuring this out. I should have figured out how to be more articulate.
Then you move to the anger stage. My advisor should have helped more. She wasn't very supportive and I don't think she even cared about me. The other professors should have done something about this situation.
Then you begin to notice certain things. The headaches are gone. You're sleeping better. You're excited to wake up in the morning because you don't know what you're going to do. You don't cry at the drop of a hat.
There's always fear mingled with all of these. What am I going to do? How do I figure that out? What if I'm not good at that either? What if I never figure out what I'm supposed to do? What it I'm not good at anything else at all?
Then finally acceptance. That when you put all your women's history books up for sale at half.com. I didn't like them the first or second, or even third time, I'm not going to like them again.
It's a difficult process. I wouldn't ever want to go through it again (divorce or leaving graduate school. I've done them both). I still don't know what I'm going to do, although I'm starting to get a clue. I'm going to do some more personal research before I say anything. It will be years before I can actually fully act on it. I'll have to go to school again and probably I'll have to start from scratch with a bachelor's. But I'm excited. And I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my husband, who is the most wonderful, caring man. He's letting me figure this out without pressuring me to move into a high-paying field just for the money. I'm thankful for my parents and family, who lovingly supported me throughout the entire time I was in school, and now that I've left, they haven't made me feel like a failure or that it was a waste of time. I'm thankful for my friends. They always encouraged me when I was in school, believed I could have finished my dissertation and they're still supportive of what I do now. Overall, this process has been a positive growing experience. I'm not quite thankful for the whole thing yet, but maybe someday I'll get there.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go read for fun!
They both begin amidst hope and love. I know grad school will be hard, but I love history and I will work harder than anyone else for this. This is what I've always wanted and I'm willing to be poor for this. It will pay off in the end.
The first year is the hardest, as the reality of the situation kicks in. This is so hard. No one told me I would have to concentrate on school 24/7 and give up all my friends and socializing and my hobbies and just basically who I am. And I can't believe how expensive this is. How am I going to pay for all this? I want to quit.
But then, after surviving the first year, you realize, I can do this. I made it. I still love history. Yes, it's hard, but I'm going to learn to balance my life more and figure this out.
By the third and fourth year, you've just become a cynical, lonely, bitter person who doesn't want to give up because you've put so much time into it. You've worked so hard. And you know you loved history at one point in time. And do you really want to start over with something else anyway.
And then, someone else makes the choice for you. And it's over. And you beat yourself up. I should have tried more. I should have worked on my Russian language more. I should have spent more time in my advisor's office figuring this out. I should have figured out how to be more articulate.
Then you move to the anger stage. My advisor should have helped more. She wasn't very supportive and I don't think she even cared about me. The other professors should have done something about this situation.
Then you begin to notice certain things. The headaches are gone. You're sleeping better. You're excited to wake up in the morning because you don't know what you're going to do. You don't cry at the drop of a hat.
There's always fear mingled with all of these. What am I going to do? How do I figure that out? What if I'm not good at that either? What if I never figure out what I'm supposed to do? What it I'm not good at anything else at all?
Then finally acceptance. That when you put all your women's history books up for sale at half.com. I didn't like them the first or second, or even third time, I'm not going to like them again.
It's a difficult process. I wouldn't ever want to go through it again (divorce or leaving graduate school. I've done them both). I still don't know what I'm going to do, although I'm starting to get a clue. I'm going to do some more personal research before I say anything. It will be years before I can actually fully act on it. I'll have to go to school again and probably I'll have to start from scratch with a bachelor's. But I'm excited. And I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my husband, who is the most wonderful, caring man. He's letting me figure this out without pressuring me to move into a high-paying field just for the money. I'm thankful for my parents and family, who lovingly supported me throughout the entire time I was in school, and now that I've left, they haven't made me feel like a failure or that it was a waste of time. I'm thankful for my friends. They always encouraged me when I was in school, believed I could have finished my dissertation and they're still supportive of what I do now. Overall, this process has been a positive growing experience. I'm not quite thankful for the whole thing yet, but maybe someday I'll get there.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go read for fun!
Monday, January 29, 2007
A little of this, a little of that
I'm finally out of my sugar induced coma which is apparently the Minnesotan way of mourning. I've been to the gym twice. My goal is to lose all the weight I gained in Minnesota before I return to Minnesota in three weeks. And I'm taking my exercise DVD's with me when I return.
I've been cleaning and organizing and all that good stuff. I spent three days looking for sturdy but cheap bookshelves for the kids' room. Then I spent four hours to organize the kids' room. Since when do you need an engineering degree to get a Barbie out of a box. And the Barbie dream castle is so big I'm sticking it out on the back porch and telling Allison it's her new room. Victor got so many legos I'm going to ask him to build another room onto our place. Hey, we're broke, we've got to work with what we have.
Today I listed about 13 books on half.com. They were books that I needed for my Ph.D and since I'm not getting that anymore, I don't really need them. I've already sold one of the books. When I'm through selling the books, I'm going to sell the horrible Christmas presents I got. If I can't work, I should make money somehow.
That's it here.
I've been cleaning and organizing and all that good stuff. I spent three days looking for sturdy but cheap bookshelves for the kids' room. Then I spent four hours to organize the kids' room. Since when do you need an engineering degree to get a Barbie out of a box. And the Barbie dream castle is so big I'm sticking it out on the back porch and telling Allison it's her new room. Victor got so many legos I'm going to ask him to build another room onto our place. Hey, we're broke, we've got to work with what we have.
Today I listed about 13 books on half.com. They were books that I needed for my Ph.D and since I'm not getting that anymore, I don't really need them. I've already sold one of the books. When I'm through selling the books, I'm going to sell the horrible Christmas presents I got. If I can't work, I should make money somehow.
That's it here.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Thank you for your kind words
I am back home. I want to thank everyone for their kind words of sympathy concerning my grandpa. The funeral was a full military funeral and it was beautiful. I cannot say enough about the funeral home that took care of it (It's the only one in the area (five towns) so it's nice that they're good). The casket was amazingly beautiful and on the four corners they had statuettes of American Eagles with the US flag. Each one of my grandpa's children got one and they also gave one to my grandma. The local Legion was there (only 7 men; the area is dying) and two girls from the highschool played taps (the only time I cried). The pastor, who was new and had only met my grandpa after he was in the hospital in a coma, did an amazing job. He talked about how full a life my grandpa led because he chose to live instead of mourning what he had loss. He also found the song my grandma remembered the night my grandpa died. All she had was the words and he found it on CD and played it at the funeral. They gave her a tape of the funeral and she had listened to it three times over the past week. The funeral home also made a remembrance DVD and it was terrific. I'm going to get one. It was nice seeing all my family. We hadn't all been together since my grandpa's 80th birthday. The whole thing was nice, with everyone able to remember the goods times and people were mourning, but also happy that my grandpa is no longer in pain. The only bad thing; it was 6 degrees below zero when we were at the cemetery.
I am very happy to be home though. Grandma had received food from 15 different people and I kid you not, 12 of them were sweets. Chocolate bars, pies, coffee cake, cookies, cake, banana bread, pumpkin bread and it goes on and on. I really wanted to go to the gym today but yesterday as I was running through the Chicago airport (I hate the Chicago airport) to make my next flight (which I did, with three minutes to spare) I pulled a groin muscle and I can barely walk today. I also don't have my luggage. But I should get to talk to my husband today, so that makes up for all of it.
Thank you all again for your support.
I am very happy to be home though. Grandma had received food from 15 different people and I kid you not, 12 of them were sweets. Chocolate bars, pies, coffee cake, cookies, cake, banana bread, pumpkin bread and it goes on and on. I really wanted to go to the gym today but yesterday as I was running through the Chicago airport (I hate the Chicago airport) to make my next flight (which I did, with three minutes to spare) I pulled a groin muscle and I can barely walk today. I also don't have my luggage. But I should get to talk to my husband today, so that makes up for all of it.
Thank you all again for your support.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Death of a hero
My grandpa died this afternoon. Apparently he went very quickly, within 15 minutes, and I hope he did not suffer any. My grandpa was a great man and a hero to me.
My grandpa volunteered to be in the army during World War II. He claims it was because his older brother had also joined. He trained at Camp Hood in TX. He was sent to Okinawa. He was there for 4 days. He spent the next 13 months in the hospital. He had crawled out of his fox hole to help the medics get one of his wounded friends. He was hit in the back with shrapnel. His spinal cord was completely crushed. He has a hole in his back that you could fit your closed fist into. The doctors gave him 5 years to live and said he would never walk again.
My grandpa taught himself how to walk again. The doctors never figured out how. He lived to have 4 children, 10 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren. He was 84 when he died and he walked until a week ago. He is the most amazing man ever.
I never heard my grandpa complain, although as he got older it was harder for him to hide the severe pain he suffered. He never got angry or depressed about his situation or the fact he would never be the farmer he had always wanted to be. In his eyes, he was not a hero, just an everyday man doing what a man should do.
My grandpa loved corny jokes and telling stories. He enjoyed company, playing cards and an occasional sweet or two. He was an honest man who never said how he felt, but treated people with dignity and respect.
Because his blood runs through me, his stubbornness and perseverance, I feel as if I could also accomplish anything I wanted. When I left UW I felt as if I was letting him down. But I know he was always impressed with my studies and my travels. He had attended technical training and was proud of what I had done. He was always a supporter of whatever I did. He was my hero and he will be missed.
Dilemma solved
To no one's satisfaction though. I will not get to see Wes because the Navy has changed their schedule again. As long as he's home when he's supposed to be, I guess that ok. I'm really in no shape to travel anyway.
My grandpa, well, that situation has gotten more complicated. They put him on fluids in order to keep him alive until the weekend when everyone could say good-bye. Only now, he's strong enough to be off the ventilator and the stomach pump. But he doesn't recognize anyone and if he continues to live, he will have to be in a nursing home. Nothing any of us want for him. Even if he gets "better" the doctor is still only giving him 6 months. I have no desire to see him this way. I would much rather show up for a funeral and to take care of my grandma after everyone leaves. I hate this situation and wish my husband was here to help me through it.
I still can't breathe. Today at the store, I kept hearing this weird noise and finally figured out it was my nose.
I went to Micheals today. They had all their Christmas stuff on sale. I bought Christmas presents for about 6 people for under $35.00. Not bad. Now I hope I don't forget I bought all this stuff.
When I got home, in addition to the two years of Smithsonian magazine I need to read, I had 6 other magazines waiting for me. I finished a couple yesterday and planned on finishing one today and then I went to the mailbox and the stupid postman had brought me ANOTHER stinking magazine. Can I become a professional magazine reader because nothing else is really panning out right now (hi, I need a job but I'll be out of town alot because my grandpa's about to die and my husband wants me to visit him at a moments notice. Can I just call you when I can work?).
My grandpa, well, that situation has gotten more complicated. They put him on fluids in order to keep him alive until the weekend when everyone could say good-bye. Only now, he's strong enough to be off the ventilator and the stomach pump. But he doesn't recognize anyone and if he continues to live, he will have to be in a nursing home. Nothing any of us want for him. Even if he gets "better" the doctor is still only giving him 6 months. I have no desire to see him this way. I would much rather show up for a funeral and to take care of my grandma after everyone leaves. I hate this situation and wish my husband was here to help me through it.
I still can't breathe. Today at the store, I kept hearing this weird noise and finally figured out it was my nose.
I went to Micheals today. They had all their Christmas stuff on sale. I bought Christmas presents for about 6 people for under $35.00. Not bad. Now I hope I don't forget I bought all this stuff.
When I got home, in addition to the two years of Smithsonian magazine I need to read, I had 6 other magazines waiting for me. I finished a couple yesterday and planned on finishing one today and then I went to the mailbox and the stupid postman had brought me ANOTHER stinking magazine. Can I become a professional magazine reader because nothing else is really panning out right now (hi, I need a job but I'll be out of town alot because my grandpa's about to die and my husband wants me to visit him at a moments notice. Can I just call you when I can work?).
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Moral dilemma
This is not really what I had in mind for the new year. I thought I'd get a job, pay off some bills, visit my husband in some far of place, learn a new hobby, connect with friends, old and new, and just generally become a better me. Instead I have to make a very hard choice.
My grandpa is in ICU. The doctor gave him less than a week to live. He is old (84) and feeble which greatly limits what they can do (no surgery, no paddles, and they can't even feed him at this point). I can't actually go visit right now because I have the sinus infection from hell (the dr, looking into my ear, "wow, that must really hurt!"). But hopefully, within a few days, the anti-biotics will kick in. So what's the dilemma?
My husband called today and wants me to fly out to see him. He did call back and say it would be a couple of days before he knew for sure, but if I can, he wants me to leave immediately. See my dilemma? I don't want to miss my grandpa's funeral (yes, I know he's not dead yet, but let's be realistic), but I want to see my husband too. And this would be the only time I could visit my husband while he's gone. My grandma already knows that if something happened to my grandpa I would come out there for about a month to take care of her. And that I could do either way. I'm sure this will work itself out, I just wish it wasn't something I had to worry about now. And if I visit Wes and my grandpa dies, I won't be getting a job anytime soon. But family comes first. It always has and it always will.
Here's hoping that no one else's new year started off this way.
My grandpa is in ICU. The doctor gave him less than a week to live. He is old (84) and feeble which greatly limits what they can do (no surgery, no paddles, and they can't even feed him at this point). I can't actually go visit right now because I have the sinus infection from hell (the dr, looking into my ear, "wow, that must really hurt!"). But hopefully, within a few days, the anti-biotics will kick in. So what's the dilemma?
My husband called today and wants me to fly out to see him. He did call back and say it would be a couple of days before he knew for sure, but if I can, he wants me to leave immediately. See my dilemma? I don't want to miss my grandpa's funeral (yes, I know he's not dead yet, but let's be realistic), but I want to see my husband too. And this would be the only time I could visit my husband while he's gone. My grandma already knows that if something happened to my grandpa I would come out there for about a month to take care of her. And that I could do either way. I'm sure this will work itself out, I just wish it wasn't something I had to worry about now. And if I visit Wes and my grandpa dies, I won't be getting a job anytime soon. But family comes first. It always has and it always will.
Here's hoping that no one else's new year started off this way.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Snow saga
I am finally back at my parent's house in TX. We (my parents, brother, his girlfriend and his son, my sister and her fiance and me) went to visit my aunt in Denver Colorado. My grandma and aunt, uncle, three cousin, one wife and girlfriend were also there. That was a total of 18 people in a three bedroom house. My sister, two cousins, one girlfriend and my sister's fiance and I slept in the basement (non-finished) on air-mattresses. Elise's and mine air mattress leaked. It's not very comfortable sleeping on concrete. We had a very good time, but on Thursday a snow storm came in. Seven in our group were snow-boarding. It should have been an hour and a half trip home. It took my dad 9 hours to get home. Those in his car had to get out and push repeatedly. One time he came within 3 inches of hitting a stuck semi-truck. It took my brother 10 hours to get home. He had to get towed by a wrecker and he burned out his anti-lock brake system trying not to hit anyone. Here's a picture taken three days after the snow storm, just to give you an idea.
While the rest of our family was snow-boarding, we were having fun in the yard.
Friday my brother decided he needed to leave immediately in order to avoid the snow-storm that was predicted for the weekend (up to 30 inches). He left in such a hurry that he didn't check the internet. Big mistake. Turns out almost all the roads were closed. He finally made it to Trinidad CO, 180 miles from where we were. The first night they (him, his girlfriend and his 3 year old son) slept in the car. The next day a couple noticed their TX plates and invited them to spend the day/night with them in their hotel room. The next day it was rumored that the road had opened. It was, in CO, but not in NM. My brother spent another night at the hotel. They finally left the next day. He spent more time in Trinidad than he had with us. Oh well, his loss.
Meanwhile, it was New Year's Eve. As you can see from the picture, it was incredibly fun-filled.
We were going to leave on the 31st, but the roads didn't open until that evening. We decided we would rather wait a day and let the rest of the ice melt and everyone else who had been stuck in Denver to leave first. We left yesterday (the 2nd) and made it home by midnight. We were the last people at the aunt's house. We had a great time, but it's nice to be home (even if it is just my parent's house). I hope everyone else had a great Christmas and New Year's. I can't wait to see what this year has for me!
While the rest of our family was snow-boarding, we were having fun in the yard.
Friday my brother decided he needed to leave immediately in order to avoid the snow-storm that was predicted for the weekend (up to 30 inches). He left in such a hurry that he didn't check the internet. Big mistake. Turns out almost all the roads were closed. He finally made it to Trinidad CO, 180 miles from where we were. The first night they (him, his girlfriend and his 3 year old son) slept in the car. The next day a couple noticed their TX plates and invited them to spend the day/night with them in their hotel room. The next day it was rumored that the road had opened. It was, in CO, but not in NM. My brother spent another night at the hotel. They finally left the next day. He spent more time in Trinidad than he had with us. Oh well, his loss.
Meanwhile, it was New Year's Eve. As you can see from the picture, it was incredibly fun-filled.
We were going to leave on the 31st, but the roads didn't open until that evening. We decided we would rather wait a day and let the rest of the ice melt and everyone else who had been stuck in Denver to leave first. We left yesterday (the 2nd) and made it home by midnight. We were the last people at the aunt's house. We had a great time, but it's nice to be home (even if it is just my parent's house). I hope everyone else had a great Christmas and New Year's. I can't wait to see what this year has for me!
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