ochen kracivyi den'

Most beautiful day. Yesterday, the weather was beyond beautiful. It was sunny and warm, a little windy, but gorgeous. I sat on a warm bench and ate a green apple and just people watched. For almost five minutes. It was amazing! No homework, no reading, no thinking: just the sun.

Then, I came home and had a huge envelope in my mailbox. I'm going to Russia this summer! Ok, I still haven't found out if I got funding, but I'm pretty sure I did. I'm so excited and scared and excited! I had a hard time sleeping last night. All I can think of is going over there, seeing my friends, making new friends, seeing new places, having new experiences, doing new things, trying new food, learning new things, traveling in trains and the metro (love them both), shopping, eating, laughing. It's going to be wonderful. I can't wait!

So, does anyone want to summer in Madison, in a nice, furnished one bedroom apartment?

Stacia

Baseball bat to the head

I had a great aunt who was in a very sever car wreck. It was during a blizzard and the paramedic were on the scene for two hours before they even realized she was in the backseat. The two people in the front seat died. But my aunt lived. She had extensive brain damage. Due to the fact that they lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere, she didn't really get the treatment she should have. She was placed in a nursing home in the nearest town (the town they lived in was too small to have a nursing home), and my uncle visited her everyday for 8 years, until she died of pneumonia. Some days she recognized people and had clear, coherent conversations with them, asking them questions and responding to theirs. Other days, she was in a vegetative state. (Leads all of us to believe if they'd moved her to a much larger area with better treatment she would have largely recovered: she was not hooked up to anything). The day my grandma and I visited, she was vegetative. When we left, my grandma asked me to promise her that if she ended up in a vegetative state I would take a baseball bat to her head and put her out of her misery.

I love my grandma more than my own life. I don't care that she's 76 years old (she's had several relatives live to be older than 100 and they were completely physically and mentally healthy), if I had to, I would give my life so that she could live. If I had to choose between my mom and my grandma, I don't even know if I could do that. But, what I'm trying to say, is that I could never hit my grandma in the head with a baseball bat. My grandma's mom died of Alzheimer's and she's said repeatedly that she wouldn't want to live like that. My grandma won't get Alzheimer's: for some reason in our family it skips every other generation: which means my mom might get it. But, if my grandma ever ended up vegetative, hooked up to stuff somewhere, would the rest of the family listen to me? Steve would have to know her opinion: he lives in the same town and sees them all the time. Janice visits a lot, so I'm sure she's heard it too. I told my mom what grandma said. But when it's your loved one. . . . I had a friend whose dad died of cancer. She said that the last couple of months, the family fought over treatment and what would happen. They decided to give him medication to make him live longer, even though he was in pain, largely unconscious, and going to die anyway. She said looking back on it, she wishes they had just let him go.

If I end up brain dead I don't want to be hooked up to some machine to keep me alive. Disclose to the doctors that I once had ITP and let them decide if I can still be an organ donor and then let me go. I'm a Christian and I believe I will end up in a better place, so why hold me here. No matter what, I've had a good life and in the grand scheme of things, these couple of years on earth don't mean much anyway. Pull the plug, and then read to me: read me Psalms 100, 150 and 24. Read me John 14 (the verses mom want me to read at her funeral). Read me Daniel 3. And sing Christmas carols. And tell stories. Tell the story about how I embarrassed you in AZ and called myself a bozo head. Tell the story of teaching me to ride bike, when I ran into you. Tell the story about when Craig was sleepwalking and screaming: Stacia, quit hitting me! Elise, remind me of all the museums we've been to. And laugh. Lot's of laughter. It's a celebration of what was once real and alive: not a mourning of what has occurred. And remember, you'll see me again. Wrap me in the quilt grandma made for my birth, put me in a simple pine box, and bury in Lake Benton, next to grandma and grandpa. And let me rest in peace.

Stacia

Whistling Dixie

It's coming towards the end of the semester. Stuff to read, papers to write, papers to grade, leading classes. Stressful. And also the time of semester where I'm just tired. Physically, emotionally, intellectually tired. And yet, have a ton of pent up aggression. I just don't want to use it to do homework. It doesn't help that the weather is starting to get nice. When it's pretty, and warm, no one has any desire to hang out in the library. Pre-lims start on Monday for several of my friends. That means they'll be really, really stressed out. And next year, I lose my good friend, because she'll be doing research in Germany. And I take my pre-lims next year. That's going to be hard. I have to make more friends so I don't feel like I'm doing it alone.

I ran into my former student again. She seemed very happy to see me and suggested we go out again. Now, she's said several things that lead me to believe that she may be interested in me, but she knows that I prefer men. I did go through an experimental phase in college, but who didn't. But she is cute. My friend mentioned that this was a more confusing situation because when it's a guy, they do all the asking. But, I've always been the one who asked the guy out, so that doesn't apply here. I'm just going to sit back and see what happens. I'm honestly not sure what I want to happen.

Stacia

Not in my league!

I should probably start this blog by stating that if you struggle with your weight, you might not want to read this! I just realized the other day I have to get into shape and look really, really hot by May 21st. What's on May 21st, you ask. Well, some people I know are getting married. No, I don't particularly like them. Matter of fact, I think she's a bitch and he's a prick. So, why in the world am I going to the wedding. Well, for one thing, if all of us who didn't like them didn't go, no one would be there, but also because I have to show up looking better than the bride. Now my friend Marie informs me I could roll out of bed and show up and look better than the bride, but I want to look really good. Now, this may seem petty and make me look like a total bitch, but I DON'T CARE! Why? Because she thinks we're in the same league and we aren't even close. She thinks she's as good looking as me (she looks like a fraggle, or the scientist on the muppets), she's thinks she as intelligent as me (very few people actually fall into that category!), and she thinks her personality is as delightful as mine (whatever, bitch!). This irritates me to no end, because none of it is true. Even remotely. I just saw her and it looked like she took a weed-whacker to her hair, and then dumped easter egg dye on it. And, to top it all off, they spelled my name wrong on the invitation. I worked at the same place as them for a year and a half, and I still volunteer there. They could have easily gotten the correct spelling. Or, they could have just looked at the e-mail I sent them with my address. How hard would that have been? So, anyway, I have to look good, and I've realized that my body weight is shifting. I am heavier than I've ever been (117 lbs) but still, I don't know where all this extra skin around my middle is coming from. But that would explain why my boobs are getting smaller. And no, they aren't sagging. (I still don't wear a bra half the time; I think you need "real" boobs to do that). And I have been swimming, but I think I need to add a few sit-ups and some arm exercises (it's a sleaveless dress). I want to look so good that she cries. Yes, I am petty. Get over it!

Meanwhile, the running joke is that I only fall for a guy if he 1) lives out of this state/country, 2) has a girlfriend, 3) is gay, or any combination of the three. Yes, I have once again developed a crush on someone who is not available, if only because he doesn't live in this country, and has a girlfriend back home. At least this one is intelligent though. So, in one way, my taste is getting better.

Finally, I would really recommend the new Tori Amos CD. It is beautiful. I also saw the movie Ghost World last night, and if you haven't seen it, you should.

Alright, it's the end of spring break and I should finish up that last bit of homework. (who am I kidding: I'm going to go color my hair).

Stacia

The birds are back!

I saw a whole flock of robins yesterday. And today, when walking through campus, I realized the bushes were singing again. Ok, I know it's really the birds in the bushes, but you can't always see the birds. I love birds. I love hearing them sing. And it's nice to know they're back. Now if it would only get warm!

Spring break has been less than exciting. I've spent lots of time at the library and I decided today that I can't do it tomorrow. I should: I have a ton of stuff to do, but I just can't do it. Instead, I'll finish cleaning my apartment and I do have a ton of reading I must do. Yes, it's still not fun, but at least I won't have to get dressed.

That is about it,
Stacia

Warning: Parental Discretion Strongly Advised

And I don't mean because this is going to be a fun XXX blog. I mean because this blog is going to be disturbing in a Bastard out of Carolina way. It's going to be about the nature of people, love, God and forgiveness. And it's about a parent's worse nightmare.

Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl, who didn't know she was beautiful. She was funny, smart, and she was my best friend. Although we were in highschool she didn't live with her parents, because her mom had died of cancer many years earlier, and due to sexual abuse, the state had taken her away from her father. After highschool, her past caught up to her, and she experimented with drugs, sex and everything in between, and we lost track of one another. She had a beautiful daughter, but her lifestyle did not change that much. She felt lost, alone and like her life was out of her control. One day, she looked up my parents and got my phone number, here in Wisconsin, and gave me a call.

Earlier, before I had become friends with the girl, I was friends with a boy. He was smart, funny and he too had suffered from sexual abuse, although he didn't talk about it. After highschool, he quickly married and produced several offspring. After almost 10 years, his wife decided to leave him, and the boy, feeling lonely, decided to look up his old friend, me. Well, I was already in Wisconsin, and he gave me a call, the same week the girl called me.

Now, the boy and girl had been friends in highschool also, so I gave them each other's phone numbers and they contacted each other. They quickly fell in love, had a baby, and got married (yes, in that order). The girl finally felt like her life was in her control and that she had met the man of her dreams. They were very much in love, and they made an excellent couple.

Then, the girl discovered the boy had done inappropriate things with her beautiful daughter. Her world collapsed. Since she had gone through this as a child, she knew how devastating this was. She was very brave and she called the police and had the boy arrested and charged. The boy realized what he had done and he confessed to everything and started to go to counseling. He knew what he had done was wrong, but he asked for forgiveness, and he wanted to change and he still loved the girl. He begged her to stay with him, to help him and to still love him.

The girl, of course, refused. How could she stay with him when he had done this? But, the girl also believed in a very big God and she wondered if she was limiting God by claiming that the boy couldn't change. But, does forgiveness mean she has to stay with the boy? How could she trust him again? How could she allow him near her daughter again? Why did she still love him?

His actions and confession indicate that he wanted to be caught and wanted help. There were two incidents and there was no penetration of any kind. But, it is a child. It is a delicate situation. They are both my friends. I want the boy to get help. I want the girl to get her life back. I want them to figure out what is best for each of them. I want the daughter to magically forget what happened. I want it to be like it was when they fell in love. They made each other so happy. I want to beat him to death for hurting my friend and her daughter, but I also want to beat his stepdad to death for what he did to the boy. My friend wants and needs lots of prayer. She has difficult decisions she must make. I know she is not willing to sacrifice her daughter for love, for her husband. But, how will she know if he can indeed change? The boy needs prayer too. For forgiveness, for change, for a future.

you never think it would be someone you know,
Stacia

Spring break and snow

Tomorrow is the last day before spring break is officially here. And it has been snowing all afternoon and is supposed to snow some more tomorrow. Ahhh, life in Wisconsin.

Today I saw my advisor. Apparently she has several students in her class who are also in the class I TA. She said several students told her how well I had done during the lecture I gave. That was great to hear. She had missed the paper presentation I gave last week too, but said that one of the professors who was there told her how well I did. I almost got the impression he went to her just to tell her how well I had done. She seemed very impressed with what I did, and she wasn't even there! That really made me feel so good. Alot of my fellow graduate students are reconsidering working in academia. It is difficult and there are a lot of politics involved in getting through the graduate process. After that you have to find a job, get tenure, publish a book, serve on committees, be a great professor, present at conferences, and publish some more. But this is what I want to do, and that desire has not changed for me. I love to teach, and my advisor thinks I'm a natural at it. I'm also good at presenting my work. Unfortunately, my research and writing skills aren't as good as they should be, but I'm working on that.

Meanwhile, I'm dealing with students who are not so happy about their mid-term grades. Note to students, don't use "information" from a certain professor's class, because I've had three classes with him and his TA is one of my good friends. If you took better notes in class it would be a lot easier.

Stacia

Wonderful Weekend

This was a great weekend. My mom had hoped I would be there, so it wasn't a huge surprise, but she sure was glad I was there. In addition to me, my dad flew in my mom's two best friends. All three of them hadn't been together for about 10 years. They both have daughters my age, and it was great getting caught up with them. The party was huge! It seemed like everyone we knew showed up, but yet, alot of people didn't make it. There were about 90 people there throughout the evening. It was great. There were a ton of people there I hadn't seen in ages. So of course, I had to answer the question, "So, when are you going to be done in school?" about a million times. But the party was great and mom enjoyed herself.

The strange thing about my mom's friends from out of town. It was probably presumed, back in the day, that my parent's marriage was probably the shakiest of all three. Yet, my parents are the only couple still married. Not only are they still married, but they have a great marriage. My dad worships the ground my mom walks on, but he's not whipped, and my mom is super appreciative of everything my dad does for her and our family. I know the secret to my parents' marriage: my mom refused to give up. Now, my dad, he probably never even knew there was anything wrong. But my mom, for a while, a long while, was miserable. But she was already divorced and now had three kids, so instead of leaving, she stuck it out. And instead of being bitter about it, she focused on my dad's positive attributes. And as he got older, he mellowed, and as she got older, she got better about asking for what she wanted. And they both considered their marriage a priority. So was my mom surprised when she answered the door on Friday and me and her two friends were standing there. No, not really. She knew that dad wanted her to be happy and this would make her happy.

I also got to see Camille and family. The new addition is beautiful. And she has a ton of hair! Camille looks great and very happy and relaxed. Bart looks at Francesca like she's the most amazing thing on the planet. I am so very happy for them.

On the plane home, this little girl, probably almost three, sat in front of me. She was soooo cute. She was wearing a little pink outfit and had a pink cowboy hat on. She kept saying, "I'm a cowgirl." Her mom told her to say yee-haw and howdy, and she did. She was just adorable.

ok, I still have a ton of homework I need to do. I had a great weekend, but now I really need spring break!

Stacia

I Rock!

I gave my lecture on Monday. The Russian Revolutions of 1917. In 50 minutes. For that alone, I deserve a medal or a pay-raise, or something. I was extremely nervous and worked on it all weekend. Well, most of it is a blur, but everyone clapped at the end, the professor shook my hand, and several students stopped to tell me I did a great job. The next day, when I teach, several more students told me how good it was, that I was the best lecturer so far, and that they actually learned stuff. I am very flattered, but at the same time, I'm also still grading the mid-terms. But I do think they like me, and that I did at least a good job.

Today, I presented a paper for the first time ever. This, I didn't really prepare for. There were three of us, and the topic was: Jews in the eyes of others. I went last. My topic: the Bolshevik struggle against Zionism. One of the other presenters, whom I really, really respect, told me several times afterwards that I did a great job. So, that felt really good too.

Also ran into my former student again today. I am going to have to schedule something soon.

I have absolutely not prepared anything for class tomorrow. But that professor was at our presentation (all of us are in his class), so I'm hoping he'll be nice.

I can't wait to go home. I did laundry today. I sent my mom a flyer for today's presentation in her birthday card. She put it on the fridge. I hope she takes it down before her party.

I guess that's it.

Stacia

Total chaos. . . .in slow motion

Where to start? Well, how about here! I need spring break to be here NOW!!!! I am so tired that I think I am physically unable to do any more homework. And my apartment is a disaster area. And I have so much homework to do it's ridiculous. And I have mid-terms I need to grade. And I'm lecturing tomorrow for the first time ever. And I'm presenting a paper on Wed. for the first time ever. And I feel totally unprepared.

I really didn't think preparing a 50 minute lecture would be that hard. I mean, in the class I TA'd for last semester, the revolutions took two weeks, which is more than 4 hours. But then I realized, this isn't a history class, and they don't need to know every single name and every single detail. And hence, I'm 10 minutes short!!!! I've probably spent 8 hours preparing this lecture this weekend. I can't wait until it's over. Meanwhile, I'm so exhausted by the revolutions (two, there were two revolutions in Russia in 1917), that I really haven't done any other homework this weekend. And I think my brain probably exploded earlier today, I just haven't had the energy to go look. I haven't worked on the Wed. paper presentation at all. But at least I already have the 35 page paper written and just have to condense it into 12 pages. Shouldn't be that hard. (those will probably be my unfamous last words).

Mid-Terms: What can I say? Some of the answers to the essays are so banal and insipid that they aren't even worth the time to read. Some are just plain out wrong. Although, apparently Peter the Great was a Westernizer because he simplified Russia's tax system. (he didn't simplify it, but he did change it: I'm still trying to figure out what that has to do with Westernization). I'll let you know how those turn out. Other than that. . . .

Ok, can I let you in on a secret? I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't read this because she hasn't told me I'm going to hell yet. My mom turns 50 this week and my dad is throwing her a huge party next Saturday. My mom really wants me to come for this. We have her totally convinced that I'm not coming home because my spring break doesn't start until March 19th (why so late?). I even sent her a birthday card telling her I was sorry I wouldn't be there, and today on the phone I told her that I was doing some church thing next weekend. I am so excited and I can't wait to see the look on my mom's face when I get there. And after this week, I'll really need the break.

And, I e-mailed the former student I went out with this week and suggested we do it again. The answer was: let me know when and where and I'll be there. Hmmmmm!

Stacia

That sucks!

Ok, so the birthday was ok, but not spectacular. Whatever. Today, I found out that this guy I know has put in his two weeks notice at work and is moving away. What sucks is that he hasn't contacted me to let me know this. Ok, so we're not great friends, but. . . .I fall asleep thinking about him a lot. I had asked him out and he told me he wasn't available, but he always made a point to talk to me whenever he saw me and told me he still considered me a friend. So, it's not like I ever expected him to really ever call me, but there was that little, itty bitty hope in the back of my brain that I might get at least one night of really hot sex. The dream is dead. No, he hasn't left yet, but really, what am I going to do, call him and offer one night of really hot sex? He knows I'm interested so, if that's what he wanted, wouldn't he call me? It just sucks, because he was pretty much the only really good looking guy my age in all of Madison.

On the other hand, a former student invited me out to drinks tonight, and we had a great time.

anyhow, I'm going to go pout and imagine all the great sex HE'S missing out on!

Stacia

Pre-birthday blues

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 31, which means, I will officially be in my thirties. I guess that's fine. But, for the past four years I have always gotten a piercing for my birthday. This year, I wanted to get my nape pierced, or finish my belly button (I have 2, want 2 more). But I swim, and the piercer told me, that while he would do it, it wasn't a good idea. Which totally sucks because I really wanted to get it done, but I'm not giving up swimming either. That's how I retain what little sanity I have left. Totally sucks.

I did have a good weekend. I got so much homework done it was ridiculous. I think I may also be fighting off a cold or sinus infection or something. Hopefully it won't fully develop into something that kicks my ass. But regardless, I did get a lot of homework done. I checked out about 20 books on Friday, and one of them has already been recalled, and it's not one I read this weekend. I still get to keep the book for 10 more days, which I fully intend to, but still. And since I did so much homework this weekend, I have no motivation to do any today. That sucks.

Finally got to talk to Camille this morning. She and the baby are doing well. I can't wait to see them.

I guess that's about it. Tomorrow I actually have the day off (just plain luck, not planned) and I'm going to get my hair cut, and get decent looking eyebrows again. Going to renew my driver's license (after the haircut) and make myself a cake and open all my cards and gifts by myself. Moving away from family and friends really sucks around your birthday!

gotta get my stuff together to go to school,
Stacia
re-reading this, apparently the word of the day is: sucks.

Various shades of longing: red

The way my face flames up when I see you, think of you, touch you, kiss you, lick you, suck you, enter you, finish you.
The color in which I live: the color of aggression, anger and bitterness.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color that makes me happy, and joyful,
the color that makes my heart ache for you.
The color which begins life and the color that ends life.
The color of a type of romance I don't understand and do not want.
Instead I want true red, and your true heart.
Give me what is mine.
Maybe I'll give you what is not yours, and never will be.
Red: the color of protection, of confusion, of despair.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color which engulfs my body and my soul when you see me, think of me, touch me, kiss me, lick me, suck me, enter me, finish me.

Irritated

I'm just as tired of school gripes as you are. But unfortunately, that's all I got! My mom did go visit Camille in the hospital and got to hold Francesca. I'm very jealous! That was also the first time she's ever met Bart, and she really liked him. Said he was very good-looking (he is) and very sweet and kind (he is that also). She said when he found out that she was my mom, he took pictures to send to me. I haven't got the pictures yet, but I thought that was nice.

So speaking of beautiful babies: Phoenix update. For Christmas, my aunt gave Phoenix all this rubber duckey stuff: bathrobe, bath matt, just anything you can think of. The other day, it was apparently 80 degrees in Dallas, so mom took Phoenix to the park, where there were lots and lots of real ducks. Of course, they don't look anything like the ducks he got for Christmas, but they sounded just like them. Mom said it was joyful watching Phoenix chase the ducks and that he just laughed and laughed. She said it wasn't happiness, it was pure joy. You know, the joy of a child, before they know what real pain is. The wonderment and amazement that we tend to forget as adults. Like when you're in the mountains at night and look up, and you see, really see, the millions and millions of stars, and how it makes you feel so small but so lucky at the same time, because you can experience this. I need a joyful moment like that. Maybe a joyful falling in love moment. Not someone falling in love with me, but the feeling you get when you realize you're falling for someone else and you have no control over everything, and then you get that smile, the one that let's you know that they feel the same way. I could use that moment. It's been way too long. My 31st birthday is a week from today. I guess that's what I'll wish for.

back to the homework, the great, wonderful, enlightening, never-ending, homework. Some of the other graduate students and I have decided that they should give out competency exams before someone enters grad school. You know, the kind they give in murder trials. The only problem is, they really could only accept those of us who failed, because really, who willing lives like this?

starry-eyed tonight,
Stacia

Congrats and H.B.

It's a very happy day. First CONGRATULATIONS to Bart and Camille. Their beautiful (and large, 8lbs. 13oz.) baby girl was born today at 11:22a. I haven't talked to them yet, but Camille left a message on my machine. Regardless of Francesca's size, Camille was only in labor for 2 hours, for which she is thankful. I can't wait to hold her.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Andrea who turned 30 today. In addition to turning 30, she is also getting married this year. I'm sure this will be the best year ever for her.

Back to the homework,
Stacia

Fiery hoops

My advisor thinks I should be spending at least 2 hours every day in the library researching to write my dissertation proposal. In addition to TAing this semester, I'm also taking 2 classes and reading for my pre-lims. I have four fields, and each fields list is more than a 100 books. So, let's look at my current schedule to figure out when I can hit the library.

Mondays: 6:00am wake up, journal, prepare myself mentally for the day. 6:45a, make breakfast, read comics, e-mail, ect. 7:15a, eat breakfast, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, 7:45a, read homework, 8:30a, practice piano, 9:00a, translate German article, 9:30a, read some more, 9:45a, make lunch, make sure all my stuff is in the backpack, 10:13a, leave for bus-stop.

11:00a, swim (for my mental health), 11:45a, shower, get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:15p, attend lecture for class I'm TAing, 2:15p, go to the library and read homework, 4:30p meet with Russian speaker and practice Russian, 6:30p, catch bus home.

7:00p, get home, make dinner, check mail, check e-mail. 8:00p work on applications for summer language program, 9:00p, work on papers or read more homework, 10:00p, do dishes and get ready for bed.

Tuesdays: See above from 6:00a to 10:13a

11:00a, office hours, 12:05p teach class, 1:20p, teach class, 2:25p teach class, 3:30p teach class. 4:30p, go to library, do homework 5:47p, catch bus home.

6:15p, check mail, e-mail, make dinner. 6:45p, eat dinner, 7:15p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Scrubs and whatever crap is on after it. 9:00p read homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.

Wednesdays: See above for 6:00a-10:13a.

11:00a, swim, 11:45a, shower and get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:20p, attend lecture, 2:20-3:30p, office hours, 3:30p go to library, research for paper, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:20p, make and eat dinner, 6:00p, go back to campus for study group, 8;45p, get home, check e-mail, do dishes, 9:30p, read homework, 10:00p, get ready for bed.

Thursdays: See above for 6:00a to 12:45a.

1:20p, go to seminar, 3:47p, catch bus home, 4:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. Read homework, 6:00p, make dinner, 6:30p, eat dinner, 7:00p, read homework, 9:00p, e-mail class, 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.

Fridays: See Mondays and Weds. from 6:00a to 2:20p. Every other Friday, at 2:30p, meet study group, otherwise, go to library, do research, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. 6:00p, make dinner, eat dinner, 6:45p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Reba, 9:00p, do dishes, get ready for bed, collapse.

Saturdays: 7:00a, get up, eat, read comics, check e-mail, shower. Stack up books, usually 6 of them, next to the couch. Sit on couch and read. Periodically get up to get more tea and pee. Every other Sat. volunteer at the WI historical museum. Go home, do more homework. At 8:00p, watch movie, and then go to bed.

Sunday: 8:00a, get up, eat, shower, check e-mail, 9:00a, go to church, 10:45a, get groceries, 11:30a, make lunch, read Sunday paper while eating lunch. Do homework all afternoon. Talk to mom on phone for an hour. 7:00p, watch Simpsons while eating dinner. 8:00p do more homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, go to bed.

I would just like to point out that this schedule does not include cleaning, laundry, or talking to anyone on the phone. So, when, WHEN, am I supposed to do anything extra? I'm not giving up my entire life!

The Russian horror movie was very interesting. It was called Night Watch and had English subtitles. It was Matrix/Star Wars/Army of Darkness, and the sequel comes out next year. We're trying to find the Russian book the movie was adapted from to try to figure out if it was supposed to be funny in certain parts.

Anyway, this blog has put me behind schedule.
Hope everyone managed to avoid feeling like shit today.

Stacia

She doesn't get it.

The professor I'm TAing for won't be in town on Monday. In my way of thinking, that would have been a perfect day to ask a HISTORY or POLITICAL SCIENCE professor to guest lecture. So, what are we doing on Monday? We're watching the History channel's Russia: Land of the Tsars. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the history channel. But, when we could actually have a REAL professor give a lecture, why are we watching a 100 years of Russian history shoved into a 50 minute period? This is why the students don't like the class. I'm still trying to come up with a professional way to address the issue. I think I'm going to tell her the students are worried about the exams because all the lectures are over culture, but some of the readings are over history and political science, so therefore, what should the kids specifically study.

I need to offer a gigantic, huge, enormous, heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS to Wes. He has been promoted to officer. I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this. The downside: he had to sign on for 10 more years to accept the promotion. But, I guess we'll just work that out as need be. Not like anything else is making this pseudo-relationship easier, so what's one more thing? And I think I really am going to go visit him. That scares and excites me all at the same time.

Tonight my grad school friends (ok, only 2 of them: I do have more than 2 grad school friends) are having an anti-valentines day party. We are going to watch a Russian horror flick. I'm hoping it's going to be along the lines of Army of Darkness, but we'll see. I guess it has vampires and werewolves. I hope it has subtitles, although if it doesn't, I guess we can just make up dialogue in English. I'm sure that between the movie and the vodka (although I forgot to buys pickles!) it will be a great night.

Stacia

My aching feet!

Ok, no one can say that I'm not a dedicated TA. Today, the bus I was riding to school got hit, and it could have been up to an hour before the bus would leave (no, they wouldn't send us another one). Well, I had to teach in an hour, and I wanted to make copies of a Russian timeline before that. Therefore, I got off the bus, and, wearing 3 1/2 inch heel boots, proceeded to walk 2 miles in a half hour. And it snowed yesterday. I'm so glad I was wearing my cheap payless boots and not my suede boots. (knee-high, lace up: very sexy!). But I limped the rest of the day. I really love teaching. Can I get a raise?

Speaking of teaching: my students hate the class. It's not me (otherwise they wouldn't be griping to my face) but the professor. This is supposed to be an interdisciplinary class, covering history, political science, geography and Slavic studies. So far, it's covered two geography/history lectures and the rest have been culture. And the next three weeks are also culture. The students are, understandably, upset. This is my question: do I say something to the professor and hope she changes the format of the course? She's only given us a syllabus for the first half of the semester, maybe she could change the second half. I don't know what I should do. Although, it appears the students really like me. This is the first time this professor has taught this course, and usually, I'm told, more guest professors lecture. This could be a very successful class. I think I'll ask one of my other professors what they think I should do.

I'm going to go soak my feet and read about Peter, the Great (so he said),
Stacia

Etiquette

I live in a neighborhood with several group homes. You all know what I'm talking about. They're all harmless, and many of them work. One fellow often takes the same bus as I do. Yesterday when I was walking to the bus stop at 10:15am, as I was crossing the 6 lane major road the bus stop is on, I notice that this fellow is already at the bus stop. And then I noticed that he has decided to pee in the snow next the bus stop. Next to a major road. In plain view. He didn't even go behind the bushes that are RIGHT THERE! So, what do I do? Where do I look? Do I smile at him? Do I avoid eye contact? Do I ask why he didn't write his name, or make some other design? Does anyone know what the etiquette is when you catch someone peeing in the snow? I see him almost everyday. I guess I'm just going to remember not to eat the snow next to the bus stop.

Stacia

Small gripes

that add up to just piss me off. Like being sick all weekend. I had already scheduled a Doctor's appointment because to get into this Russian language summer program you have to be evaluated to be both physically and mentally fit. Monday morning, I get a call, the doctor is also sick, so they reschedule me for this morning. So I go in this morning with a killer headache, because I wanted to be able to tell the doctor exactly where it hurt. Well, they gave me the wrong time, so again, we had to reschedule, for this Friday. Totally sucks.

So I'm sick all weekend. I get behind in my homework. I have deadlines for funding applications and questions, and NO ONE will return my e-mails. What's up with that? And they want the application to be typed, but it's on a computer program where you can't add to the document, you can only print it out. Does anyone even own a typewriter any more? And they're tiny little boxes: even if I find a typewriter (I think the library might have one), how am I going to line the stupid thing up? I have to take a spoken and written language test tomorrow. I suck at tests. I am so bad at them, even in English. I know I'm going to bomb this and look like an idiot. I hate that. I hate the fact that it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I don't get any better at reading Russian and the fact that I'm too shy to try to speak it with others because I'm so bad at it.

I'm pissed about the fact that my apartment is more than 80 degrees. I can't figure out where the hell the heat is coming from, because my heat is not on. I hate the fact that my apartment is disgustingly filthy at this time and I don't feel like I have time to clean it. I want to know why my paycheck was $300 short and if this is going to occur every month, because I can't live on $635 a month. (not that I easily live on the usual $910, but it covers almost everything).

Most of all, I'm kind of pissed at Wes right now. Everytime we talk and I start to feel like this could be it, he disappears for a while. Why does he do that? Is he playing games with me? What's up with that? And I know he's dating people, but I don't care about that, so I just don't get it. Is it the fact that I don't care that he's dating other people? I don't have time for this crap right now.

And I'm pissed at myself for caring about the situation. I'm mad that I don't have the motivation to get off my ass and clean my apartment, do my homework, write my papers, fill out these applications. I still feel like crap, although the world isn't spinning anymore, so I guess that's good. I just want to get these applications filled out and sent so I can work on the next thing that has a deadline. I hate deadlines.

I'm going to go read about murder and anti-Semitism, because I know that'll make me feel so much better,
Stacia