Start fresh in spring

Spring began today. So it's a great time to start my "new" life. Sunday I took my last birth control pill. Now I'm cramping and in a pissy mood, but hey, that's part of being a woman. But I guess this is it. The beginning processes of baby making has begun. My husband is very excited. I am too. I'm just scared as well.

Today I went to substitute teaching orientation. I really didn't want to go, but now I am really excited about it. Because I have a MA I am qualified to teach provisionally, not only substitute. I think I will greatly enjoy subbing/teaching for the next year or so, until other things change (see above paragraph). I'm still going to look for a job at a community college, but subbing actually pays more (isn't that sad). I'm getting bored at home and extra money will be nice too.

I'm also excited because in the past couple of months I've re-established contact with four people I haven't heard from/seen for at least a year, some much longer. I love old friends. I would love some new friends too. I have a feeling we'll probably be living in Virginia Beach for at least another 6 years. If we do move, we would probably remain on the east coast to be close to Wes's kids. But, since Wes's x is from Italy, she has tentatively agreed to let the kids live with us, once they are teenagers, if Wes is stationed in Italy. But, until then, I think we're going to stay here. So I need to make some friends. It's time to start my life here. It's spring time. It's time to embrace my new life, to stop resenting the past and to create my future.

Little Miss Sunshine

Funniest movie ever. Ok. just because it took 4 different times to try to log in becuase I am totally buzzed (hey, three glasses of wine, because I won't be able to soon), doesn't mean this wasn't laugh out loud hilarious. Maybe not as funny as "the House of Yes" (becuase incest is the ultimate funny), but still, a great movie. Well worth the hype and everyone should see it. Could Steve Carell get any sexier than a suicidal, bearded, homosexual? I don't think so, and I watch "The Office". Everyone should have been nominated for, and won, an oscar for this movie. I think I'll watch is again tomorrow. Thank you netflix. I laughed so hard I got the hiccups. And it has a feel good ending. What more could you want for a Friday night (if your husband is at sea because of the stupid navy)?

Plays and short stories

While in Minnesota I did more than freeze and crochet an afghan. I read. I read six months worth of Smithsonian (I'm up to Jan. of 2006 now!), and plenty of Dover Thrift Editions of plays and short stories. Here's the run down.

I'm going to start by discussing two plays by two different authors at the same time.
Oliver Goldsmith, "She stoops to conquer" and Oscar Wilde "The Importance of being Earnest"
Don't bother reading these "classic" plays. Ever. Don't go see them. Don't waste your brain power wondering about them. Both were written during the time period when men were expected, and even looked up to, for being man whores, while the women could not even smile at a man without being accused of being an actual whore. The double standards in both these plays appalled me, as did the portrayal in Wilde's play of "ladies" as complete dimwitted idiots. At least the women in Goldsmith were smart. The only reason I would ever suggest any woman ever read these plays is so that they appreciate how far we've come.

Henrik Ibsen, "Hedda Gabler"
Speaking of how far we've come. Go get this play right now and read it RIGHT NOW!!! Ibsen is an incredible writer and had amazing insight into the pathetic position intelligent, ambitious women were forced into circa 1890. While Hedda could easily be misunderstood or misrepresented, it is clear that her actions stem from the frustration of being viewed as an "inferior creature". At the least, she wants to inspire her husband (or anyone) in noble and successful ventures. The play concludes when Hedda realizes she will never be the muse she desperately wants to be. . . .

Anton Chekhov, "The Three Sisters"
This play also focuses on the frustration of women around the turn of the 20th century. But it also includes wonderful clues into the provincial life of Russia at that time. Although the play is about "three sisters," the lives of the men around them reveal the disappointment and discouragement caused by the political and economic situation in Russian, which led to personal disappointment for all. The inability to change the situation and even the apathy of most of the characters lead one to understand why Russia eventually rose up in revolution in 1905.

Alexander Pushkin, "The Amateur Peasant Girl," "The shot," "The snowstorm," and "The Postmaster"
Besides the fact that Pushkin knows how to tell a story, these stories should be read for their insight into Russian society (largely provincial) between 1815 and 1837. They tell a great deal concerning attitudes towards the serfs, Europe, education, and the social order. Fun and easy to read.

Henry James, "The Turn of the Screw"
I had never read any James before. I actually think this would make a great movie (maybe there's already one). It is supposed to be a suspenseful horror story. However, since the story largely revolves around the fact that two children are going to hell because they see ghosts and today hell doesn't really factor into the supernatural, I think a movie could better deliver the suspense. And if you've read the story, yes, I realize that's not a quite accurate description of the story, but close enough.

What did I just agree to?

I just turned 33 years old. My husband will turn 34 this year. He has two children, nine and six. He told me he would like more children, but since he already has 2, it would be up to me. I always knew I wanted to be a mom. But I also thought I would be single. So I aways thought I would adopt. The thought of being pregnant just grosses me out. You have a little fungi, alien, parasitical thing living in you and it destroys your body. Who wants to go through that? Wes never had a problem with adoption. Yet, I've somehow found myself offering to try to get pregnant. What happened? Well. . . .

Because Wes already has two kids, he doesn't want to wait too long before we add to the family (we do want them out of the house before we're old). And since I have no life purpose right now, since my advisor screwed me over, I think adding to our family now is a great idea. Why are we looking to get pregnant instead of adopt? Two reasons: you have to be married for two years before you can start the adoption process and the navy hates us. Wes is currently at sea. He will get back in May. He leaves for his next 6 months at sea next April. Which is less than a year away. Our two year anniversary is in February. Between February and April doesn't really leave enough time to apply for adoption, especially for the home studies and all that. By the time he'll get home, I'll have less than 6 months before I'm 35 years old. So what is a couple to do? Why, try to get pregnant now, of course!

Wes is thrilled. Beyond thrilled. He wants twins. He even agreed (sorta) to let the kids have my last name. I am shocked, scared, and feeling way not ready for this. But I've talked to many moms who said they didn't feel ready when they became moms. Even if they wanted to be moms. My own mom admitted she felt like a "fake" mom until her third kid: I was 13 by that time. So I figure I'll work through that aspect of it. I think part of the problem is that I've only thought of myself as a student/professor in training for almost my entire life. Now switching to wife/mom is difficult. I know I was a great TA. I don't know if I'll be a great mom. There's so many fears and concerns. I am excited, but I still feel like it's not real. I guess it's not. I haven't even had sex since November. That would be a necessity for babymaking. Can't wait to start that part!

Ideally I would get pregnant right before Wes left next April. That way I wouldn't be alone with a baby. Since I suffer from depression, post-partum, especially if I were alone, is a concern. But, since I've never been pregnant before, or tried before, and I'm 33, we have no idea how long it will take for me to get pregnant. Wes thinks it'll happen right away because he apparently has magic sperm and my eggs don't really factor into that. But I would rather be pregnant and alone than have a new-born and be alone. So I hope it doesn't happen until after next January. If it doesn't happen at all, then when Wes gets back after that trip we will start the adoption process. And if we have a second kid it will be adopted. I haven't give up on that.

When I married Wes I never thought my life would change this much, this fast. I've looked stuff up on line and I'll go see the doctor within the next couple of weeks. I suppose I should go off the pill in the next couple of weeks too (hey, if his sperm is so magic, why bother?). I'll probably go to the library and check out some books. I want to make sure I'm eating right. I checked my weight to make sure it's healthy. (An aside: I bought a new bikini on Sunday. I feel like a cow in it, but I know my husband will love it. When I checked my weight, I'm less than 10 lbs over the lowest weight I should be for my height (a 30 lb spread), yet I feel like a cow. What's wrong with me?) I know I can still swim while I'm pregnant. I love to swim. And if I do get pregnant, I'll finally have boobs. That's kind of exciting.

Well, that's the big news in my life.

Happy Birthday Camille!!!

Today is Camille's 33rd birthday. When Camille and I first met, she was a grade ahead of me and she had lied to everyone about her age, claiming to be a year older than she was. We were teenagers, and it was cool to be older. So I wouldn't be surprised if Camille decided she was only 32 this year. I'm watching you girl: I know the game.

This was the earliest picture of us I could find (I know my dad has earlier pictures of us at a school formal, but really, why would I want to embarass us like that). I think we're 18. There was another picture I wanted to post, but I couldn't find it. It wasn't a very flattering picture of Camille but her little baby sister is in the bottom corner with her finger up her nose. I love that picture. Anyway, I wish Camille's hair wasn't pulled back because it went down to her waist. It was really beautiful. And in case you weren't sure where her waist was, just look at the jeans. Apparently this was before people decided it was cool to have jeans so low your crack always showed.

Happy Birthday Camille!!! I hope you have a great year and that life gets easier with age and wisdom.

Also, happy birthday to my cousin Shanti.

I can go outside without a coat on!

I am home in Virginia Beach. It is warm and sunny. I have my bedroom window open. It is a beautiful thing. There is so much to write about, so this will probably be unorganized and incomplete.

Things I did when in Minnesota.
I crocheted an entire afghan. The size is slightly off because I started adding stitches somewhere and we didn't take out all the rows that had extra stitches. We only took out 8 of them (yes, we caught it after about a foot). But I did it and I enjoyed it and I will do it again. I am creative!!! So there.
I started flossing my teeth everyday. Something I always knew I should do, but never "had time" to do it. I had plenty of time there. Now my teeth will be even more beautiful.
I decided I will never live where it gets that cold. I don't mind the snow: it can be beautiful. But the cold, that's completely different. I'm just going to talk half of my family into moving someplace warmer.

I had a wonderful time with my grandma and I know I will always cherish these memories. I got her to tell me alot of stories. Some I wanted to know (when she started crocheting, driving, quilting), others I didn't want or need to know (how my grandpa was in bed). But I'm sad because I know she's lonely now. When I called to tell her I was home she told me how much it meant to her that I was there and she started crying. I hope she starts getting involved in her church and with her friends again. I don't want my grandma to be lonely. I did ask her to come with me, but she said no.

I also got to spend some time with my cousin and we had a great time. I really do like my family. I just wish they weren't all so far away.

I've already picked up my mail and paid all the bills. Now I just have to read the 10 magazines and 4 catalogs that I also got. And figure out what the book club sent me that I didn't order. I need to clean and do laundry (after I unpack), get groceries, clean out my fridge because some genius decided not to do it before they left (oh, if I wait three weeks, they'll be able to walk into the garbage disposal), e-mail and call a ton of people (if you're one of them, please be patient) and then find a job. And the time changes tonight, so it's like I'm losing two hours instead of one. At least I get to go outside without a coat on. Did I mention that my plants hate me right now too? I think most of them will revive shortly though.

On a sadder note, while I was gone I found out that my first youth pastor, who has remained a family friend, passed away. He has had brain cancer (or something like that) for more than two years. They originally gave him less than 6 months, but he got into a trial study. During that time he was able to put his things in order to make sure his wife would be taken care of and he was able to walk his only daughter (and only child) down the aisle when she married. He was a wonderful man with a great sense of humor. He was truly a godly man, one who loved God and showed God's love to others. He will be greatly missed and fondly remembered.

Also, Phoenix's aunt (his mama's sister) died of a drug overdose on Wednesday. She was only 20 years old. Phoenix doesn't understand what's going on, but he does understand that his mama is sad and that she keeps crying. They were very close and it looked like her sister was trying to get clean. I guess it only takes one relapse. I feel so bad for them. Do you think it would be appropriate for me to send a sympathy card?

That's all I'm going to write for now. I have plenty more to write later. I hope everyone is doing well and I'm so glad to be back home.

I'll bring the blizzard

Thursday was my birthday. And what did I get. I got a blizzard. With 18 inches of snow. This is me yesterday (Friday) in the pile of snow taken from my grandma's one car driveway, before the last 3 inches of snow arrived. Yes, apparently I am a bad weather bringer. If you remember, my family got stuck in Colorado a couple days after Christmas in all that mess. And when I tried to get out to MN the whole Northeast was buried. And now this. I am so ready to go home.

But the day was good. My grandma made me a cake. My dad called early to let me know how beautiful the weather was in TX (thanks dad). My mom called later. And then, to make me very, very happy, Camille called. That really made my day. I knew she was thinking of me, but I hadn't given her my grandma's number and my cell doesn't work up here (I told you I was in the middle of nowhere). She had called my mom to get my number and that made me so happy. When I went to bed I thought about what a great friend she is and realized that we have been friends for 20 years. And I'm sure we'll be friends for 20 more years. Then we'll still be only 33 years old. Because I just can't live through many more blizzards!

Minnesota living

Hi Everyone! I managed to make it to my uncle's to water his plants and get on the web. Since I offered to do this, I am here by myself (without my grandma asking me every 30 seconds if I'm done yet) so I thought I'd say hi.

The airport experience was horrible, although not as bad as some. I was supposed to leave Virginia at 11:20am and arrive in MN at 3:30p. I left Virginia at 6:00p and got to MN at 10:00p. But at least I made it. My grandma is happy that I'm here. I've started crocheting and it is really hard. It kind of makes my fingers cramp. Consistent yarn tension is hard to achieve. I haven't gained any weight either, although grandma is trying. It's been pretty warm, so I've been walking everyday. I've seen deer everyday too, but too far away to take pictures. We're getting stuff done too. Today we ordered my grandpa's memorial stone. It's going to be beautiful. We've filled out all the paper work needed for all the insurance and such. The evenings are very, very long. I'm getting a lot of reading done. And that's about it. I feel very cut off from the rest of the world. Sometimes that's nice, sometimes, not so nice.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

All packed

I'm all packed and ready to go. I'm a bit nervous about the weather. I'm not going through Chicago (which cancelled 400 flights today) but I am going through Philadelphia. It's having bad weather, but not as bad as other areas. In Minnesota, it's just cold. It's supposed to be a high of 0 (zero) tomorrow. My cousin is picking me up and we'll probably drive to my grandma's tomorrow night (if I get there). It's about a 4 hour drive. Yes, my grandma lives in the middle of nowhere. My cell phone doesn't work and I'll probably only get to check my e-mail once a week. Although I may just put my computer in the car and drive around until I find some wireless. My grandma is really looking forward to my visit. If it wasn't so cold, I'd be more excited too. The area is very beautiful in the summer, right next to a lake. During the winter, it's cold. Just plain cold. And my grandma likes to bake. I'm going to be fat when I get back. I do enjoy my grandma's company, but there's not a lot going on up there. She's going to teach me to crochet. So, for three weeks, I'll be crocheting and eating baked goods. Yes, that probably is it. I hope you all have a great three weeks.

Cat's Cradle

I actually had a rather nice day yesterday. The ship pulled into port so Wes was able to call me. And he called me twice today. So at least I got to talk to him.

Beth, while getting a BA in English literature I had to read The Stranger twice. The classes I took focused on colonial literature. This introduced to excellent authors like Rushdie and Achebe. But the university apparently thought that if you were getting a degree in literature you must have already read the "real" classics. Go figure.

Today, I read Kurt Vonnegut's Cat's Cradle. Several years ago a Polish friend of mine recommended Vonnegut. I had no idea who he was and it took me this long to get around to it. I wish I had started sooner. This book was amazing, funny, thought-provoking and absolutely wonderful. It was such an easy read and so enjoyable. I couldn't put it down. Unfortunately this is the only book of his that I own. I will be visiting the library quite a bit. Please go read this book right now.

Happy Anniversary to me

Today is my one year wedding anniversary. I haven't seen my husband since Nov. 26th, 2006. I haven't talked to him in more than a week. I haven't had an e-mail from him since Tues. Stupid navy. I miss my husband.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Although my goal in life is to read everything (of value) ever written, I have neglected a certain genre. I have not read such classics as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein or Dracula. Why should I read them when their stories have become part of everyday culture? Do I have to read them to actually know what they're about? These stories float among us everyday so why waste time reading them.

Boy, was I wrong. I picked up Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (I do own all three books). First, it's very short, so why not read it. Secondly, this book is not about what you think it is about. It's actually much more frightening. I expected many Jack the Ripperish scenes of horror. There's actually only one scene that even comes close. I knew the book was about the duality of man, the good and the evil and the separation of the two with the transformation of Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. But this duality is not the terrifying part of the story. By now most of society can admit that we all harbor good and evil within us. But this story's horror comes from the fact that the "good" Dr. Jekyll feels no remorse for the sins of the "evil" Mr. Hyde. Why? Because since Mr. Hyde is "evil" and Dr. Jekyll is "good" then why should Dr. Jekyll be responsible for Mr. Hyde's actions. Why indeed!?! This book is a wonderful commentary on a society that does not want to be responsible for our own actions, or the actions of those we directly influence. By allowing Mr. Hyde to do evil it gives Dr. Jekyll the excitement of wrong-doing without responsibility. But if Dr. Jekyll is the "good" guy, the guy that allows evil behavior because it's "not him" doing it, we are all in trouble. I'm not suggesting we all pull out our placards and start acting like loonies, I'm just suggesting that maybe we should examine our own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

I'll have some wine with my oatmeal

I had the kids this past weekend. We had a good time. They played with the billions of toys they got for Christmas. We played board games. We went to church. We had a great time. And they drove me crazy sometimes. Growing up, my dad was very emotionally abusive. His favorite phrase, which I heard at least once a day, was "you stupid idiot." Now, he mellowed as he grew older and he has repeatedly apologized for this. But I now understand, to a certain extent. If I am currently washing your sister's hair, can I 1)hear you yell my name repeatedly and 2)come open your legos box? Stuff like that. Lots and lots of stuff like that. Now, I have my dad's personality. And I too have mellowed with time. That's why I think it's good that I haven't had children yet. I think I could handle it now (I didn't call the kids stupid idiots, even though I wanted to a few times). So overall, it was a successful weekend. My favorite: I have cranberry juice with breakfast every morning. Out of a juice glass. Victor asked me if I was having wine. Yes, yes I am. I always drink wine at eight in the morning, before I go to church. Doesn't everyone?

I found the school I want to go to. It has everything I want. EVERYTHING. It is perfect. It is also 5 hours away. I'm going to see what I can work out.

I talked to my grandma today. I'm leaving next week on Valentine's day to go back to MN. She is so excited. I told her I had lost all the weight I gained over Christmas. She said that was good so I could gain some more weight back when I'm there. She's going to teach me how to crochet. She got my grandpa's death certificate and it has the wrong birth date on it, so she has to get that corrected. She's been sorting through all his stuff. She sounds good but she said it is a little lonely. She was married for 58 years. That's a long time. But she's got stuff she's excited about. She's going to CA (where all her siblings live) for a nephew's birthday in April or May, my cousin's wedding in Minneapolis in April and my sister's wedding in TX in July. She hasn't traveled for years. It is good that she is willing to partake in the "positive" aspect of my grandpa's death. I can't wait to see her. I can wait for the below zero weather and the extra weight. Oh well. Anything for family.

Comparison

Although I've been busy organizing and cleaning I haven't quit thinking about the sudden end to my life-long dream to be a history professor. A friend of mine who is currently going through a divorce compared marriage to graduate school. I started thinking about this and I think she may be right.

They both begin amidst hope and love. I know grad school will be hard, but I love history and I will work harder than anyone else for this. This is what I've always wanted and I'm willing to be poor for this. It will pay off in the end.

The first year is the hardest, as the reality of the situation kicks in. This is so hard. No one told me I would have to concentrate on school 24/7 and give up all my friends and socializing and my hobbies and just basically who I am. And I can't believe how expensive this is. How am I going to pay for all this? I want to quit.

But then, after surviving the first year, you realize, I can do this. I made it. I still love history. Yes, it's hard, but I'm going to learn to balance my life more and figure this out.

By the third and fourth year, you've just become a cynical, lonely, bitter person who doesn't want to give up because you've put so much time into it. You've worked so hard. And you know you loved history at one point in time. And do you really want to start over with something else anyway.

And then, someone else makes the choice for you. And it's over. And you beat yourself up. I should have tried more. I should have worked on my Russian language more. I should have spent more time in my advisor's office figuring this out. I should have figured out how to be more articulate.

Then you move to the anger stage. My advisor should have helped more. She wasn't very supportive and I don't think she even cared about me. The other professors should have done something about this situation.

Then you begin to notice certain things. The headaches are gone. You're sleeping better. You're excited to wake up in the morning because you don't know what you're going to do. You don't cry at the drop of a hat.

There's always fear mingled with all of these. What am I going to do? How do I figure that out? What if I'm not good at that either? What if I never figure out what I'm supposed to do? What it I'm not good at anything else at all?

Then finally acceptance. That when you put all your women's history books up for sale at half.com. I didn't like them the first or second, or even third time, I'm not going to like them again.

It's a difficult process. I wouldn't ever want to go through it again (divorce or leaving graduate school. I've done them both). I still don't know what I'm going to do, although I'm starting to get a clue. I'm going to do some more personal research before I say anything. It will be years before I can actually fully act on it. I'll have to go to school again and probably I'll have to start from scratch with a bachelor's. But I'm excited. And I'm thankful. I'm thankful for my husband, who is the most wonderful, caring man. He's letting me figure this out without pressuring me to move into a high-paying field just for the money. I'm thankful for my parents and family, who lovingly supported me throughout the entire time I was in school, and now that I've left, they haven't made me feel like a failure or that it was a waste of time. I'm thankful for my friends. They always encouraged me when I was in school, believed I could have finished my dissertation and they're still supportive of what I do now. Overall, this process has been a positive growing experience. I'm not quite thankful for the whole thing yet, but maybe someday I'll get there.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go read for fun!

A little of this, a little of that

I'm finally out of my sugar induced coma which is apparently the Minnesotan way of mourning. I've been to the gym twice. My goal is to lose all the weight I gained in Minnesota before I return to Minnesota in three weeks. And I'm taking my exercise DVD's with me when I return.

I've been cleaning and organizing and all that good stuff. I spent three days looking for sturdy but cheap bookshelves for the kids' room. Then I spent four hours to organize the kids' room. Since when do you need an engineering degree to get a Barbie out of a box. And the Barbie dream castle is so big I'm sticking it out on the back porch and telling Allison it's her new room. Victor got so many legos I'm going to ask him to build another room onto our place. Hey, we're broke, we've got to work with what we have.

Today I listed about 13 books on half.com. They were books that I needed for my Ph.D and since I'm not getting that anymore, I don't really need them. I've already sold one of the books. When I'm through selling the books, I'm going to sell the horrible Christmas presents I got. If I can't work, I should make money somehow.

That's it here.

Thank you for your kind words

I am back home. I want to thank everyone for their kind words of sympathy concerning my grandpa. The funeral was a full military funeral and it was beautiful. I cannot say enough about the funeral home that took care of it (It's the only one in the area (five towns) so it's nice that they're good). The casket was amazingly beautiful and on the four corners they had statuettes of American Eagles with the US flag. Each one of my grandpa's children got one and they also gave one to my grandma. The local Legion was there (only 7 men; the area is dying) and two girls from the highschool played taps (the only time I cried). The pastor, who was new and had only met my grandpa after he was in the hospital in a coma, did an amazing job. He talked about how full a life my grandpa led because he chose to live instead of mourning what he had loss. He also found the song my grandma remembered the night my grandpa died. All she had was the words and he found it on CD and played it at the funeral. They gave her a tape of the funeral and she had listened to it three times over the past week. The funeral home also made a remembrance DVD and it was terrific. I'm going to get one. It was nice seeing all my family. We hadn't all been together since my grandpa's 80th birthday. The whole thing was nice, with everyone able to remember the goods times and people were mourning, but also happy that my grandpa is no longer in pain. The only bad thing; it was 6 degrees below zero when we were at the cemetery.

I am very happy to be home though. Grandma had received food from 15 different people and I kid you not, 12 of them were sweets. Chocolate bars, pies, coffee cake, cookies, cake, banana bread, pumpkin bread and it goes on and on. I really wanted to go to the gym today but yesterday as I was running through the Chicago airport (I hate the Chicago airport) to make my next flight (which I did, with three minutes to spare) I pulled a groin muscle and I can barely walk today. I also don't have my luggage. But I should get to talk to my husband today, so that makes up for all of it.

Thank you all again for your support.

Death of a hero

My grandpa died this afternoon. Apparently he went very quickly, within 15 minutes, and I hope he did not suffer any. My grandpa was a great man and a hero to me.


My grandpa volunteered to be in the army during World War II. He claims it was because his older brother had also joined. He trained at Camp Hood in TX. He was sent to Okinawa. He was there for 4 days. He spent the next 13 months in the hospital. He had crawled out of his fox hole to help the medics get one of his wounded friends. He was hit in the back with shrapnel. His spinal cord was completely crushed. He has a hole in his back that you could fit your closed fist into. The doctors gave him 5 years to live and said he would never walk again.


My grandpa taught himself how to walk again. The doctors never figured out how. He lived to have 4 children, 10 grandchildren and 3 great-grandchildren. He was 84 when he died and he walked until a week ago. He is the most amazing man ever.


I never heard my grandpa complain, although as he got older it was harder for him to hide the severe pain he suffered. He never got angry or depressed about his situation or the fact he would never be the farmer he had always wanted to be. In his eyes, he was not a hero, just an everyday man doing what a man should do.


My grandpa loved corny jokes and telling stories. He enjoyed company, playing cards and an occasional sweet or two. He was an honest man who never said how he felt, but treated people with dignity and respect.


Because his blood runs through me, his stubbornness and perseverance, I feel as if I could also accomplish anything I wanted. When I left UW I felt as if I was letting him down. But I know he was always impressed with my studies and my travels. He had attended technical training and was proud of what I had done. He was always a supporter of whatever I did. He was my hero and he will be missed.

Dilemma solved

To no one's satisfaction though. I will not get to see Wes because the Navy has changed their schedule again. As long as he's home when he's supposed to be, I guess that ok. I'm really in no shape to travel anyway.

My grandpa, well, that situation has gotten more complicated. They put him on fluids in order to keep him alive until the weekend when everyone could say good-bye. Only now, he's strong enough to be off the ventilator and the stomach pump. But he doesn't recognize anyone and if he continues to live, he will have to be in a nursing home. Nothing any of us want for him. Even if he gets "better" the doctor is still only giving him 6 months. I have no desire to see him this way. I would much rather show up for a funeral and to take care of my grandma after everyone leaves. I hate this situation and wish my husband was here to help me through it.

I still can't breathe. Today at the store, I kept hearing this weird noise and finally figured out it was my nose.

I went to Micheals today. They had all their Christmas stuff on sale. I bought Christmas presents for about 6 people for under $35.00. Not bad. Now I hope I don't forget I bought all this stuff.

When I got home, in addition to the two years of Smithsonian magazine I need to read, I had 6 other magazines waiting for me. I finished a couple yesterday and planned on finishing one today and then I went to the mailbox and the stupid postman had brought me ANOTHER stinking magazine. Can I become a professional magazine reader because nothing else is really panning out right now (hi, I need a job but I'll be out of town alot because my grandpa's about to die and my husband wants me to visit him at a moments notice. Can I just call you when I can work?).

Moral dilemma

This is not really what I had in mind for the new year. I thought I'd get a job, pay off some bills, visit my husband in some far of place, learn a new hobby, connect with friends, old and new, and just generally become a better me. Instead I have to make a very hard choice.

My grandpa is in ICU. The doctor gave him less than a week to live. He is old (84) and feeble which greatly limits what they can do (no surgery, no paddles, and they can't even feed him at this point). I can't actually go visit right now because I have the sinus infection from hell (the dr, looking into my ear, "wow, that must really hurt!"). But hopefully, within a few days, the anti-biotics will kick in. So what's the dilemma?

My husband called today and wants me to fly out to see him. He did call back and say it would be a couple of days before he knew for sure, but if I can, he wants me to leave immediately. See my dilemma? I don't want to miss my grandpa's funeral (yes, I know he's not dead yet, but let's be realistic), but I want to see my husband too. And this would be the only time I could visit my husband while he's gone. My grandma already knows that if something happened to my grandpa I would come out there for about a month to take care of her. And that I could do either way. I'm sure this will work itself out, I just wish it wasn't something I had to worry about now. And if I visit Wes and my grandpa dies, I won't be getting a job anytime soon. But family comes first. It always has and it always will.

Here's hoping that no one else's new year started off this way.

Snow saga

I am finally back at my parent's house in TX. We (my parents, brother, his girlfriend and his son, my sister and her fiance and me) went to visit my aunt in Denver Colorado. My grandma and aunt, uncle, three cousin, one wife and girlfriend were also there. That was a total of 18 people in a three bedroom house. My sister, two cousins, one girlfriend and my sister's fiance and I slept in the basement (non-finished) on air-mattresses. Elise's and mine air mattress leaked. It's not very comfortable sleeping on concrete. We had a very good time, but on Thursday a snow storm came in. Seven in our group were snow-boarding. It should have been an hour and a half trip home. It took my dad 9 hours to get home. Those in his car had to get out and push repeatedly. One time he came within 3 inches of hitting a stuck semi-truck. It took my brother 10 hours to get home. He had to get towed by a wrecker and he burned out his anti-lock brake system trying not to hit anyone. Here's a picture taken three days after the snow storm, just to give you an idea.


While the rest of our family was snow-boarding, we were having fun in the yard.


Friday my brother decided he needed to leave immediately in order to avoid the snow-storm that was predicted for the weekend (up to 30 inches). He left in such a hurry that he didn't check the internet. Big mistake. Turns out almost all the roads were closed. He finally made it to Trinidad CO, 180 miles from where we were. The first night they (him, his girlfriend and his 3 year old son) slept in the car. The next day a couple noticed their TX plates and invited them to spend the day/night with them in their hotel room. The next day it was rumored that the road had opened. It was, in CO, but not in NM. My brother spent another night at the hotel. They finally left the next day. He spent more time in Trinidad than he had with us. Oh well, his loss.

Meanwhile, it was New Year's Eve. As you can see from the picture, it was incredibly fun-filled.


We were going to leave on the 31st, but the roads didn't open until that evening. We decided we would rather wait a day and let the rest of the ice melt and everyone else who had been stuck in Denver to leave first. We left yesterday (the 2nd) and made it home by midnight. We were the last people at the aunt's house. We had a great time, but it's nice to be home (even if it is just my parent's house). I hope everyone else had a great Christmas and New Year's. I can't wait to see what this year has for me!

Merry Christmas

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, and if you were behind me when I went through security with my kids, I'm sorry about the 7 bins of stuff we had and how long it took to take our shoes and coats off, and get my computer out of my backpack, and how long it took to put our shoes and coats back on and put my computer back in my backpack. Eat lots of food, drink lots of drink, and kiss much under the mistletoe.

Um, excuse me? Where are you?

I'm getting older and strange things are happening. Mostly I think I'm losing my mind. Example one: the other night, I got naked (because that's how I sleep), crawled into bed and watched TV, turning the channel several times. I decided I needed to use the bathroom, so I got up and used the bathroom. When I came back, I could not find the remote. Anywhere. ANYWHERE. I looked under the covers, between the covers, behind the bed, on the floor, under the bed. I could not find it ANYWHERE. I did not understand. It was just there. I had just used it. Finally, I just got up and turned the TV off. The next morning, I found the remote. UNDER MY PILE OF CLOTHES. Had it decided it was cold so it jumped off the bed and tunneled under the clothes? It was very weird.

Example two: Today I was vacuuming the stairs (which I hate). When I got half-way down the stairs I found one white sock. Let me repeat that: ONE WHITE SOCK. It hadn't been there when I went down for breakfast, or when I came back up from breakfast. My washer and dryer is on the second floor, next to my bedroom, so it's not like I dropped it doing laundry. Matter of fact, I hadn't done the load of whites yet. I still have no idea how that ONE WHITE SOCK got there.

Example three: I can't remember what it is but I know there was one. Oh well, you get the idea.

Happy Holidays everyone!!!

Joy!!!

Although you may think the title is referring to Christmas, it really isn't. It's referring to what I have started to feel lately. I realized the other day that my shoulders aren't as tight, I'm getting fewer and less intense headaches, I'm laughing more and smile at everyone I see, I'm not as uncomfortable in public as I used to be. I have true JOY!!! It's more than just happiness. It's the realization that maybe school was stressing me out WAAAAAAAY more than I thought it was. It's the realization that I have lived and still live an amazing life. It's the realization that life is what you make it and I want to make mine happy. I'm not stressed out because there's not school work waiting on my desk for me. I can read magazines all day and not feel guilty. I can take naps and not worry about it (it's like my body has years of sleep to catch up on). I can go birdwatching and not feel like my dissertation proposal is breathing down my neck. And so I did.

We have had beautiful weather so I went to look at birds. I've always wanted to become more knowledgeable about nature, especially birds, but felt I didn't have the time. Now I have the time. I went to a park with a beautiful pond and walked around. I identified 10 different birds, including one that only winters in Virginia, the American Coot, and the Great Egret, which is a beautiful bird. I almost picked up a turtle because I thought it was a really cool looking rock. I should have known it was a turtle; it was really big. I also saw a very small muskrat. There were lots of birds I couldn't identify but as I do this more, it will become easier. I loved it. It felt so good to be outside doing something fun.

I was able to speak to Wes three times this week. We didn't really talk about anything important (except for sex, and when your man is going to be gone for 6 months, sex is important). He won't be able to call again until later this week. I miss him so much and it was so nice to hear his voice. This is a hard time of year to be alone, especially when you actually have someone. I felt very lonely at church this morning. Christmas is my favorite time of year and I wish he were here. I am excited because I get to take his kids to meet my family and spend Christmas there. And then Wes's dad will take the kids to see family, while I go to Colorado to see more of my family. And then I'm spending another week in Texas. Hey, I know that's a long time, but my husband's gone and I don't have a job yet. And it's Christmas. I want to spend it with people I love. Don't you?

The phone is a wonderful invention

I got to talk to my husband yesterday. It was wonderful. What did we talk about? Some serious stuff (like what I decided to do with my life for now), some stupid stuff(video games) and a lot of "I miss you and I love yous". They will actually be in port a lot which means I will be able to talk to him fairly often. Between that and e-mail, I have it made. My dad's dad was in the navy and my dad was telling me that when they used to go out, there was no e-mail and long distance calls were so expensive that they could only talk for 3 minutes. Thank god for technology! We can even e-mail pictures (although not the ones he wants; like I want the whole Navy to see THAT). So I am happy. And, Wes is where he used to be stationed and he forgot how much he loves it there. He thinks I would love it there too. And his ex is from there and said that maybe if we got stationed there we could have the kids so they could learn the language better and see their grandparents more. I would like that. Who wouldn't want to live in the country shaped like a boot!?!

Other than that, just finishing up Christmas shopping, cleaning, reading and doing stuff I haven't been able to enjoy for a long time. I'm learning to enjoy life again. Maybe having to leave the program wasn't such a bad thing. Maybe it was a good thing in disguise. We'll have to see. I hope everyone else is as excited about Christmas as I am this year (I get the kids, even though Wes isn't here, and they'll meet my family for the first time).

Napless

Today I did not take a nap!!! This is the first day I haven't taken a nap since Wes left. I feel really, really good. I'm still coughing a bit and I think I might pull out my humidifier because the air is so dry from the heat. I think I've finally kicked this thing. But I'm not going to jinx it by saying anything about feeling any sort of alive.

Today I had lunch with friends. We had a great time but sadly my friend Stephanie is leaving soon. I told her I'd come help her clean and whatever else she needs. Once she's gone, I'm pretty much on my own. The other woman we had lunch with, I really like her, but she is the captain's wife and she has a job and three kids. She also lives out in the middle of nowhere. Time to make some more friends.

Tonight I finally tackled my desk. I mailed all my library books back to UW last week (21 books), but I still had all my notes and articles and stuff concerning my dissertation proposal and I just wasn't ready to deal with it before now. I went through all the articles and put many in the recycle bin. Things like chapters from books without the author or title, double articles (I had a lot of those) and I think I found 5 different copies of my typed notes in various folders. And if I'm not doing history anymore, I definitely don't need all those women's history articles. I didn't even like those the first time around. Now one whole shelf above my desk is empty and I got rid of so much stuff I have the bottom shelf of the bookcase in the office. I think I'll be able to pull in a whole box out of the garage. I also dusted and organized and now it doesn't look that bad. I didn't feel sad getting rid of all that stuff but I didn't feel happy either. I just felt kind of indifferent.

I guess since I dusted I stirred up dust. I'm sneezing a lot. But I'm not sick anymore. NO I'M NOT!!!

It's ok. . . .life is just temporary

I've been really sick. Really, really sick. Barely climb out of bed to get some medicine sick (although it didn't seem to affect my appetite any and so I have not (sadly) lost any weight). Monday I went out for lunch with a friend because I finally felt ok. But I took a nap before and after. Tuesday, I almost felt fully ALIVE!!! Which was wonderful because I had not done any Christmas shopping for the kids. Yesterday, I was at that Toy store even before it opened. I ran through looking at all the stuff the kids wanted to decide what I wanted to get them. Then I ran home and spent an hour on-line ordering it, or something similar when that particular item wasn't available on-line. Then I ate lunch and made peanut butter cookies. And I ate a lot of peanut butter cookies. Those were the best peanut butter cookies ever. After lunch I did some more running around to get a gift for a woman on my husband's side of the family whom I have never met. (him: just take a gift for a woman. They do that elephant game. me: what type of gift. him: you know, for a woman. You're a woman, what do you want. me: a more helpful husband) Then back home to look on-line for the one gift that doesn't seem to be anywhere. Only to find it isn't anywhere. It is completely sold out everywhere. So now Allison is not getting a digital camera. She is getting a 12 dancing princesses dream castle (or something like that). Then I watched TV and played computer games. It was a great day. Why? Because I felt almost fully ALIVE!!!

Today, today my body is reminding me that after spending almost an entire week in bed, I cannot just get up and act like I am almost fully ALIVE!!! Thus, today I've spent most of the day in bed. Although I did have some peanut butter cookies. Those cookies sure are good.

MRI saga

today I had my MRI. A number of things went wrong.

The exit I was supposed to take was under construction and closed. The exit the signs said to take were not marked with detour signs after exiting. I finally figured it out, but I was about 15 minutes late.

Signing in and filling out paperwork was easy. But then they told me to take out my earrings. I had managed to get out 7 of my earrings, but I couldn't get out the one right next to my head in my lobe and my cartilage. The nurse helped me get out the ones in my lobes but we couldn't figure out how to get the other ones out. The doctor told me to come back at 8:00pm tonight after I had gotten them out. I went out to my car and was about to leave when the nurse came running out telling me they had found wire cutters. So she cut out my other pair of earrings. I feel so naked without my earrings, they have never been out. I then went back out to my car to leave and the nurse came running out again. She commented that she needed to lose weight. I hope she did because she was so nice. The person who was supposed to go after me hadn't shown up yet, so they would do me then.

For the MRI they put they put this cage thing over my head. I felt like Hannibal Lector. You're not supposed to move at all. It was like some weird science fiction ride at Busch gardens or something. They give you ear plugs too. The machine made some of the weirdest noises I've ever heard. And it vibrated a lot too. I just tried to pretend on was on a ride to keep from moving. Finally it was finished, only it wasn't. They had to insert some liquid into my veins and then do the whole thing all over again. But it wasn't that bad and I didn't cough at all. I have been coughing all afternoon though. I hope it doesn't last long.

It's all good

My finger is recovering nicely. At first we thought the dangling flap of skin would fall off (it's about the size of a tic tac) but now it looks like it has re-adhered itself. It still hurts if I touch it too hard, but for the most part, it is usable.

We had the kids for thanksgiving and we had ham. No one likes turkey enough for me to have 17lbs of left-overs. So now I only have 7lbs of left-over ham. I made photo-albums for the kids and they really liked them. They wanted to know why there were only two pictures of me. That would be because I'm the one taking all the pictures. But it made me happy that they wanted more pictures of me. They also promised to come visit me when Wes is gone. His ex is cool and said I could come visit them any weekend I wanted and stay there. I'll also get to have them here. I get them for Christmas too and my parents are very excited that there will be kids for Christmas. I'm excited too, although nervous about flying with kids, especially since they're not mine and we have different last names.

Allison also asked for a little sister. Apparently she had asked her mom and her mom told her she was old (she's 4 or 5 years older than me) and to ask me. Thanks. Even though I'm not in school anymore I still haven't been bit by the kid bug. We'll discuss it when Wes gets back.

Now, I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll start with some serious cleaning and organizing. And relaxing and reading. I'm fighting a cold too, causing me to break out the vitamin C. I'm getting together with a friend tomorrow for dinner and a movie. Right now, all things considered, it's all good.

Do Not Try This At Home

or anywhere else either.


This would be the incorrect way to use a food processor. No, I did not put my finger in it when it was on. Regardless of how stupid my advisor thinks I am, I'm not that dumb. But, I did reach in there to remove a piece of jammed onion without removing the blade first. That was pretty stupid. And painful. And I'm really impressed with how well I type without my right index finger.

Quick update. The kids are here for the week: so far, so good. Wes will be gone by the end of the month. I had my neurologist appointment. He thinks I'm just having migraines from stress (stress, what stress) and gave me samples of an anti-depressant/anxiety drug. I can't wait until they kick in. I'm also having an MRI next week, just to make sure there's not anything else wrong. No one has called about a job yet, but that's ok. I finished a Smithsonian magazine. It was from April 2004 so I'm farther behind than I thought.

Thanks to everyone for the e-mails and calls of support. It's meant a lot to me to know that so many people care about me and don't think I'm stupid or a quitter. I have been thinking about my next move, but my husband (probably wisely) suggested I just enjoy this time for awhile before thinking about going back to school (yes, I can't stay away).

I truly have much to be thankful for. I hope you all have a wonderful thanksgiving.

Just guess

Guess whose husband is leaving next week and will be gone for six months?
I know this one!!! That would be MY husband!!!
Guess who is no longer a UW doctoral student?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Guess who has to get up at 5:00am on Friday to get a Will made, in case her husband is killed while he's gone for six months?
MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Guess who is going to the neurologist next week to find out why she's having headaches in which the left side of her face goes numb, she loses vision in her left eye, and sometimes it feels like there's railroad stakes going through her left eye through the back of her head (like right now)?
I know this one too!!! It's me!!!
Guess who, at age 32, just got kick dropped by a bitch of an advisor and now, after 12 years in college, doesn't know what she's going to do with her life?
That one's easy! It's me again!!!

Wasn't that a fun game!!! Only it's not a game; it's my life.
I'm trying to stay positive about all of this, but it's really hard sometimes. It's hard to know that within the last 10 months I've gotten married, moved across the country, become a step-mom, lost my life dream and now my husband's leaving for six months and the only two people I consider friends in VA are also leaving. All my friends have been very great and supportive throughout this whole ordeal that has become my life. I'm very thankful for that and for my friends. But in some ways, this is still something I have to do by myself.

Things I can now do that I never had time to do when in graduate school:
Catch up on my Smithsonian subscription. I am currently 2 years behind in my magazine reading. Now I know that "normal" people would just throw them out, but the fact that I spent 12 years in college should have already proven that I am not normal.
Read lots and lots of novels. And not feel guilty about it.
Strangely, I want to read history books. But not about Russia. I know very little about the rest of the world. I think I'll just start checking out general history books at the library. I think that would be fun.
I can cook!!! If you have read this blog for any amount of time you know that I often complain about not having time to cook. I now have time to cook.
Learn more about finance. My husband is really interested in stock, options, and futures. I should learn about them to keep him from losing all our money (just kidding. He wouldn't lose ALL of it).
I would love to learn more about bird watching and photography. I know this area has clubs for both and with my free time (since my husband will be gone) maybe I can do that and meet people.
Try to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I sent out two job applications yesterday. They were for community colleges. Today I think I am going to look into substitute teaching at highschools. I think teaching highschool (not subbing, but being a teacher) might actually pay more and offer more benefits than community colleges. And who knows, maybe I'll really enjoy it.
Spend more time with my plants and learn about them. I'm not even sure what some of them are.
Learn to play piano again.
I guess this list is long enough for now.

Today I have a ton of stuff to do and I don't want to do any of it. I really just want to crawl back into bed and sleep all day. But, this is the last day my husband works before he leaves, and I'm putting together a photo album for him from the kids. I guess I should do that today, because I really don't think he knows. I'm also making ones for the kids. And the house is a mess. Sometimes, it doesn't really matter though. Hope everyone has more direction than I do.

As promised

Pictures of Washington DC

These are the flowers that Wes ordered for me.

You should know what this is.

The only picture of us together.

The view from our hotel room.

This was one of the cool flowers at the botanical gardens.

I'll post more later.

The interruption of my life schedule

I finally spoke to my advisor today. After telling me for 30 minutes that I can't write, she basically told me to quit. She tried putting a nice spin on it: "Stacy, you're such a good teacher and positions at the Ph.D level are so competitive anyway that you'll probably end of teaching someplace you don't need a Ph.D." Yes, I'm upset that she thinks it will take forever for me to write a dissertation. Yes, I'm upset that she thinks my dissertation will not be good enough to get a job at a "real" university or college. But, part of being a "grown up" (which I became when I re-married and gained step-children) is figuring out when things just aren't going to work out the way you want them to and letting go gracefully. I'm not saying that I'm just going to quit; I'm saying I really do need to think about the situation. It's not just me anymore. I can put "life" on hold for myself and it doesn't hurt anyone. Putting "life" on hold for my family is a different story. We want more kids and a house and while I'm playing student those things aren't really attainable. And I'm tired of being a student. I'm tired of feeling like life is passing me by. I'm tired of being tired all the time and of having constant headaches. I want to read a book for fun. I want to relearn how to play the piano. I want to become more active in my community. I want to learn about more than just Russian history and right now I don't feel like I have time for any of it. I'm not saying I wouldn't ever consider going back for my Ph.D. I'm just saying that maybe right now it's not the right time. Maybe it's time for something completely different that I never planned for.

Stupid computer

I have a ton of pictures, but for some reason, my computer refuses to accept them from my camera (like they're a crappy gift or something). So I'll just write about the parts of the weekend I don't have pictures for and then post the pictures after my husband fixes this for me.

We had a wonderful weekend. We travel very well together and have very similar interests (except for him dragging me to the postal museum because he collects stamps and they had on display the only two known stamps of this one printing. And that museum was way far away and we walked it after walking all day. We pretty much limped to the hotel after that). We also managed to get to a ton of stuff. And somehow, we only managed to get one picture of us together the entire weekend. We even dressed up to go to the Kennedy Center and we didn't get a picture of that. We're pathetic.

On Friday we started with the Holocaust museum because we knew it would be depressing and we didn't want to end with it. Wes really doesn't know that much about the Holocaust (only what they taught in highschool) so he found it very interesting and very sad. We then went to the Freer museum which was Asian art. After that, the Natural History museum to see the Hope Diamond (and other jewelry that Wes promises to buy me) and the insect exhibit. After that, we walked all the way to the postal museum. And then back. We then enjoyed a very good meal with a bottle of wine and dessert. Hey, we were on vacation and we walked a lot.

Saturday we slept in a bit. Then we went to the Smithsonian sculpture garden where we took a ton of pictures (and got the only one of us). Then we went to the US National Art Gallery (or something like that) and went through their sculpture garden. The Smithsonian's was better. We went to the Art Gallery and walked through more than half a wing and got tired (and hungry). After we ate we went to the Botanical Garden (where we took a ton more pictures). The Botanical garden was really cool, but they didn't have a gift shop or anything, which was a bit weird.

That night we went to the Kennedy Center. Wes and I met in highschool band, so we both enjoy classical music. We saw the National Symphony Orchestra, directed by Leonard Slatkin. They played two short works (Wagner and Bruch) and two longer works (Mozart and Beethoven). We splurged and bought expensive tickets so we were in row K, dead center. There were three rows of "box" seats on the stage, directly facing the audience. I commented that I wouldn't want those seats because 1) the sound would be distorted, 2) everyone could watch you. After the first three works was intermission. It was freezing in the concert hall, so I thought it a bit strange that the woman sitting dead center, first row in the "box" seats on the stage had removed her jacket and was wearing a sleeveless shirt and was still fanning herself with her program. The final performance was Beethoven's Symphony No. 2 in D major. There were four movements played. During the third movement, the woman's companions began fanning her vigorously as she began slumping in her seat. Finally, they tried to get her out, but she was in the front row (directly over the stage with a very short "wall,") and she looked like she had passed out, so this was difficult. During this time the break between the third and the final movement occurred and the director waited for these people to leave. After several minutes, he turned to the audience and asked "Is there a doctor in the house?" When the audience began to laugh he said "no, seriously, I think that lady needs a doctor." About 10 minutes later the movement was finished and as we were leaving an ambulance pulled up. We never found out what was wrong with her.

Sunday we visited the Smithsonian modern art museum and part of the Air and Space museum (most notably the food court and the gift shop). Then we went home. All in all, a much-needed wonderful weekend. As of now, I still have not heard from my advisor, which is starting to worry me. I'm trying not to think about it while cleaning my house and preparing my grant application. I'll post pictures as soon as the computer is fixed. Hope you all had as good a weekend as I did.

Happy, happy, joy, joy

No, I haven't heard from my advisor yet (actually, I haven't checked my e-mail yet because I didn't want to ruin my good mood yet). But, my husband came home yesterday, 10 days early. And. . . he has a three day weekend!!! We're going to Washington DC!!! I just booked the hotel (right on the river, less than 2 blocks from the Smithsonian). I'm just so excited I can't sit still. I'm going to go shopping for a dress to have dinner in (no, I actually don't own any non-summery nice dresses). I have only been to DC once in my life, and I was 15 years old. I can't wait! I'm excited! Even if I get bad comments back from my advisor, I don't really care right now.

Inspiration

Camille wanted to know why I consider Lenin motivational. I'm going to answer this question in a very long, round-about way, and I may never actually answer the question. I hate it when people ask me why I study history (even though I do it to others). It's like asking someone why their favorite color is blue instead of green. It just is and I just do. Even though I constantly bitch about what I do, I love it and can't imagine doing anything else. I'm lucky. I'm in a position where I know what I want to do and I can do it. There are certain things we will never know about history, no matter how much research is done. Example: how did Hitler manage to kill 2/3 of Europe's Jewish population? And no, I don't mean the mechanism: we know that. What I mean is: how did he come to the conclusion that beyond just "regular" anti-semitism it made perfect sense to actually try to exterminate a population? How did he manage to gain popularity and finally convince the rest of Europe that it was no big deal? There are hundreds, if not thousands, of books about this. None of them will ever be able to adequately answer the question. Also, it's pretty clear that there are evil people in history. Hitler and Stalin and Mao and Pol Pot instantly come to mind (in addition to those dictators in Africa). But Lenin, he's in a gray area. He was brilliant. And he believed Marxism. Yet he was pragmatic. But was he power hungry? Did he really think Russia would reach communism and lead to world revolution? Would history have been different if Lenin had lived? We will never know. He gave such hope to people. Hope that their lives would be different than their parents and grandparents. Hope that their children would be educated and have living wages. Hope that the future would be heaven on earth. And yet, Stalin happened. How, why? And, would Lenin have actually been any different? So maybe it's not Lenin himself that inspires me as the hope he gave to people. And he had to grace to die before the worse parts of socialism could be attached to his name. He is a mystery in a way the evil of Stalin or Hitler is not a mystery. That's why he fascinates me. Because we will never really ever know.

Sometimes I hate this blog. I've been trying to post pictures for 2 days, but it's not working. Sucks. Maybe I shouldn't even blog. Frustrating. I don't know what the problem is. Finally, I got one picture to post. About time. Anyway, I just e-mailed my advisor a copy of my dissertation proposal. I'm really nervous about that and I hope she likes it: but I doubt it. I miss sharing an office with my friends, so after an event like this, we can sit around and they would make me feel better. And we would laugh. I miss laughing with Tiffany and Nadia and taking walks down State street with Holly. I miss Madison.

I do have a new friend, Stephanie, but she's leaving at the end of November until the guys return in May. That sucks too. I did talk to the captain's wife about crazy Dee. She said I should try to talk to Dee when she's not drunk and just tell her that I was very uncomfortable with her behavior. Then, when I have to get rude the next time I see her because she'll still be insane, I won't feel bad, because I would have already tried to talk to her in a calm and rational manner. Fun times. But please, how many adults physically grab another adult and demand to know "why don't you like me?" Crazy.

Crazy Dee

She's baaaaaaaaack! Yesterday one of the three Stephanies decided to have brunch at her house for the officers' wives. I really like Stephanie (and the other Stephanie) but they're both leaving in December for various reasons and that kind of sucks. Stephanie had already asked me and the other Stephanie to stay after everyone was gone to just hang out. I showed up right on time and start helping with stuff because she has got a spread going. Her place is also beautiful and I'm jealous, but that's something all together different (think place with character, not cookie-cutter). Anyway, Dee shows up about a half hour later and promptly starts drinking. I had taken a 1.75L bottle of vodka over for bloody marys. I took a shot right away (I needed it) and then used a cup for the drinks. That was it (remember this point in a moment).

Anyway, the brunch started out very well and everyone had a great time. There was a screened in porch that was just so relaxing to sit in and talk. But someone kept interrupting and talking and being, quite frankly, rude. Stephanie finally left because she couldn't take it anymore. The other Stephanie, who couldn't leave, was clearing annoyed and ready for "everyone" to leave, because when the other Stephanie left, it was just me, her and Dee. I acted like I was going to leave too, hoping that would encourage Dee to leave. Stephanie even said, oh, it's too bad everyone has to leave, it was such a nice party. It was also three in the afternoon. Dee looks right at Stephanie and says, Don't worry, I'm not leaving. Since she wasn't leaving, I stayed too. About 20 minutes later, Stephanie flat out stated she had a headache and she needed to put her baby down for a nap. Dee stayed another 25 minutes. And it gets worse.

Thinking about this now, it was bad, but still, what were we to do? Dee got right into my face and blocked my path from leaving (I was pretending to go). She demanded to know why I didn't like her and why I couldn't come to her house right now to hang out with her and get drunk. She reeked. Later I looked at the bottle of vodka, and it was half gone. She even grabbed me though. And when I tried to explain that I have stuff to do, like a dissertation proposal, she blew it off like I was making it up. She then went on to tell me how much she respects me and what I'm doing before she began trivializing everything I said I needed to do. I finally made it out to my car, only to have her get between me and the car (after my car door was open) and do the whole thing again. I had to promise to call her this week so we can get together next weekend. She finally left after that. I got in my car, drove around the block and then hung out for another couple of hours. But I did go to bed really, really early, even for me, because she drained me so much emotionally.

What do I do? She seems to really like me. But she has to be better, richer, prettier, smarter, busier and have had a harder life, than every one else. And she trivializes everything everyone says. She scares me. Do I call the captain's wife and talk to her about it? I know Dee is drinking and driving (that's the bad part I was talking about) but she scares me so badly I didn't know how to address the situation (I also hadn't really thought of it until after she was gone, because I was trying to get away). I will have to see her again. She had asked me if I like her and I told her she was very overbearing for me. She went into a rant about that's who she is and she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, only it's very clear that she very much cares what other people think of her. I'm afraid I'm going to blow up and tell her off. She's one of those people who can't take a hint and gets offended when you say it straight. I do not like this situation at all.

But, I had a great time with Stephanie and I am getting together with her again this week. She has an english degree and she loves history (and her husband is Russian, real Russian, like only lived here since he was 18), so she's agreed to go over my dissertation proposal with me. And my husband said he will try to e-mail me everyday so I don't feel bad. So, that's about it. Any advise?

Lenin's ghost

I need to start by saying a gigantic thank you to some truly remarkable giving people. I don't think I could have gotten through this time without Camille and Sarah. Thank you guys so much for all the help and understanding you've given me.

This is my 350th blog.

Observation about this area of Virginia. This area has 6 military bases (maybe more). I've discovered there are two type of guy haircuts: military and mullet. Someone please explain this to me. Please. I saw a guy the other day with feathering that would have put Charlie's Angels to shame. And he was wearing a muscle shirt. I felt like buying him a calendar so he could see that it was 2006.

I finally heard from my husband. He wanted to let me know he was ok, so not to worry. I wasn't worried: I was pissed. But he said he hasn't even had time to check e-mail. Um-hm. He's going to have to work on that.

I am inspired, motivated, excited about finishing my dissertation proposal. Not really, but I'm trying to get that way. Here is something that truly inspires me.

I'm frustrated

with school, with my husband, I guess just with life. Every time I feel like I've taken a step forward I end up going five steps backwards. I don't know if I can do this dissertation thing. I don't know if I can do this marriage thing. I just don't know what I was cut out to do.

Sean doesn't get what I'm writing my dissertation about. Total frustration because I thought the whole thing was getting more clear, not more confusing. I'm mad because I can't articulate myself the way I would like. I'm mad because I don't understand "simple" things like historiography. I'm mad because my advisor is not doing her job. And I'm mad because if I were in Madison, this would be done by now.

I still haven't heard from my husband, but other navy wives have heard from theirs. I feel like e-mailing him and telling him there is a reason his last wife cheated on him. It's because she felt deserted. I feel deserted physically and emotionally. How hard is it to just hit reply and say "I'm really busy, but I miss you a lot and I love you." Really, how hard could it be?

One day down

Today I cleaned 2.5 bathrooms (and found a half empty Dr. pepper can in the guest bathroom) and I washed the guest bedroom sheets. So at least I feel slightly more clean and organized. I also went to the gym and swam. I revamped this page too, and instead of just transferring all my stuff, it erased all my links. So if you noticed that your link was missing, or not working correctly, I apologize. I think that maybe they're all fixed now. At least I hope so.

Today I feel like I got a lot done, but yet when I look at it, I didn't get that much done. I reorganized the dissertation proposal and I rewrote the introduction. The introduction is a little over 2 pages. It took me two and a half hours to write. Hopefully I can re-use the majority of my proposal without rewriting the entire thing. Since I rewrote the introduction and the outline, I'm hoping the thing will practically write itself. (yeah, whatever.) I do feel more focused though, and that's important.

I still haven't received an e-mail from my husband yet. Now, this could be because the system on his ship is crappy. It's bad enough that he's going to be (eventually) gone for six months, but then not knowing when I'll be able to hear from him makes it worse. Although, I have to admit, that today, I kept thinking, "school stuff was so much easier before I was married. The library was right there, my friends were right there, and my advisor was there." I do miss my husband, but life is so much more complicated being married. I could do without the long visits from the in-laws. It's just too stressful, especially when the father in law is obviously from the generation where men sat on their asses and women did all the work. I've slept so good the past couple of nights. Although I'm still stressed out, it's a dealable stress, a normal stress. Sometimes I just wonder if I was cut out to be in relationships.

Smell that?

Yesterday I went to William and Mary university (college? I don't remember which), in Williamsburg. I want to work there. It is beautiful, well designed and planned and gorgeous. Unlike some campuses (cough, UW, cough), this one had obviously been planned even when it grew. All the buildings were made of the same type of material, (red or orange brick), same style (elegant) and I'm sure none of them were rumored to have been designed for Florida instead of WI weather (humanities), that the building was accidentally built upside down (humanities) or that the building was so hideous the architect commit suicide (humanities). (Yes, I was in the humanities building, by far the ugliest and most poorly designed building I have ever spent time in.) The campus felt peaceful and comforting. And it smelled like Christmas trees. It was just amazing. And the surrounding community was also beautiful. The library, likewise, had a huge computer area. Every individual area had enough space for at least two computers next to it, but the school decided not to crowd the students. And, (this is amazing to me) there were stacks of toilet paper and papertowels in the bathroom, but no one had stolen them!!! (yes, I thought about shoving a few toilet paper roles into my bag: graduate student habits die hard.) It was wonderful. I loved it.

Now, I have an empty (still filthy) house, but I have to calm down enough to figure out the best way to finish my to do list. Wes is getting back on Nov. 10th. The house needs to be majorly cleaned. I want to have my advisor approve (or at least say I will be able to finish by the end of the semester) my dissertation proposal. The main grant proposal is due on Nov. 15th. And of course, getting holiday plans and plane tickets and shopping and bills and all that other stuff. Thanks to Sarah and Sean I'm pretty sure I can get the dissertation proposal done. But it is hard work and sometimes is a little paralyzing. And I need to get back into a routine again, now that everyone is gone. That includes cleaning on a regular basis and exercise more often. I think that's about it.

It got cold last night. Really cold. I had to turn on the heater. That sucks. But, if I were in Wisconsin, I would have had to turn the heat on a lot sooner. So I guess life isn't all that bad. Well, I should get started on some reading that Sean suggested. A student's work is never done.

I'm alooooooone!!!!!!!

I can sleep with my door open again and walk around naked if I want. I can sleep in late or go to bed early. I can eat when I want and what I want. I can shower for 45 minutes and take all the hot water. If I need to go to the library (like today) I can be gone until 9:00pm and not worry about cooking dinner for anyone. I can sweep the kitchen and not have to worry that when someone comes in from smoking they won't wipe their shoes. I can quit pulling cans out of the trash to transfer to the recycle bag (right next to the trash). Basically, I have the entire house to myself. The entire, absolutely filthy, house. It will take me all week to clean it. If I were actually going to clean it. I have stuff to do people. Lots and lots of important stuff that needs to be done NOW!!!

It's not that I wasn't glad that Wes's dad could visit before he left, it's just that he was here for a long time and I have a lot of deadlines for school right now. Wes kept saying, don't worry about dad, he doesn't care if you do homework and then everynight told me I wasn't spending enough time with him. I think my school work lost an average of 3 to 4 hours A DAY (add that up for an entire week) which really cost me a lot of work. In addition, my husband is not always the brightest of fellows, and so, when they returned from playing golf with the kids on Saturday, me staying home for those two hours to do laundry and clean, I did not appreciate that pretty much the first thing out of his mouth was that I needed to quit riding the kids and everyone thought I was an evil step-mom. EXCUSE ME?!? Apparently his dad didn't like the fact that during an hour and a half monopoly game I asked the kids a total of four times not to fold the money in half. And Victor was upset because that morning, after he had asked the same question five times in five minutes and had gotten the same negative answer AND he had tried to bang the door into his dad five times, I told him to go to his room and stay there until told. But for some reason Wes thought this had to be brought up because I was upsetting everyone. Then he got upset because I started to cry and told him I wasn't leaving the room until everyone left, if that was the way they all felt. Would he have been happier if I had said "Screw everyone, I am a bitch, get used to it?" He admitted later that it was stupid on his part to have brought it up that way, especially since he had defended me to his dad and Victor. He better have. And it was stupid of him to bring it up. (It also made me mad because Wes's dad had yelled at the kids in the car because he thought they were being too loud but they were only talking AND he told Victor several times to be careful with his legos so he wouldn't lose any pieces. How is that different than asking the kids to treat a game with respect?) So, I'm glad the weekend is over and everyone is gone. Well, I wish Wes was still here. He's gone for three weeks too and I miss him.

I wish Sarah were my advisor. I sent her a copy of my proposal and she wrote back promptly (which I'm still trying to figure out since she had been on a plane to go half way around the world). Not only promptly but she gave me good, solid advise (not, I don't like it, do it again). And she was encouraging. I actually feel really good about the whole thing, because I hadn't had any imput in such a long time I lost focus and she really helped me get back on track. And, this is funny, she pointed out several things that really didn't need to be in my proposal, things I didn't think needed to be there either. Only, my advisor wants them there. I think I'm going to write two drafts. One organized how my advisor suggested and the one suggested by Sarah. We'll see which one my advisor actually chooses.

Well, I really need to get going. I slept 10 hours last night (which was nice since I've had insomnia for more than week, averaging less than 5 hours of sleep a night) and I have a house to clean (it will wait) and a library to get to (doing that today). Hope everyone is doing well.

Dear Creepy Fat Gym Guy,

I would like to start by pointing out that I am a grown, adult, mature woman. I am not 6 or 9 or 14 or even 18. Therefore, while I was swimming approximately three times as fast as you, I was not impressed with your pathetic doggy style swimming where you had to stand up every three feet to breathe and then looked to see if I were watching you. If you had been one of my children, I would have clapped, but, you are not. I do not appreciate that, after only swimming three laps, you got into the jacuzzi and watched me swim for a while. And then went to the locker room for about 5 minutes, I'm praying to go to the bathroom, and then came back out. I really do not appreciate the fact that you then dove into the pool, even though there are multiple DO NOT DIVE signs posted. The splash did not impress me. And I do not know what you were thinking when you asked me if I wanted to race. We both already knew I could outswim you. Thankfully, when I said no, you went away.

However, you decided that when I was having a discussion with another grown up about a possible teaching position open at a real university in the area, which she was encouraging me to apply for, that you ran up to talk about teaching. I'm sorry your "friend" is such a crappy teacher that he may be fired and that he is apparently too stupid to figure out how to handle the situation. As the woman pointed out after you left, since there is teaching shortage, your "friend" must be the world's worst teacher anyway.

I REALLY do not appreciate that you were sitting in your truck when I left the gym and that you began to follow me. That kind of freaked me out. I do, however, appreciate the fact that when you realized I knew you were following me, that you did an illegal turn to no longer follow me. That was a smart move.

In conclusion, dear creepy fat gym guy, if you ever see me again, it would be in your best interest to ignore me since my husband, who works with weapons all day long, did not appreciate your attention towards me either.

Sincerely,
Stacia

Fall festival (now with goats!)

Since it was Victor's birthday this weekend, we went to the Fall Festival (ok, we probably would've gone even if it wasn't his birthday, but it made him feel special)

They had a petting zoo, where we got to feed the animals.

They had goats, llamas (which were really soft) sheep, chickens and other stuff.

They also had rides. I didn't go on the ferris wheel because we didn't have enough tickets. Yeah, that's my excuse.

afterwards we came home and the kids played with the new toys. Which means legos. It was a great weekend. Now I'm tired and my father-in-law is here so I am trying to be a good hostess while still working on my dissertation proposal.

The good, the sad, the silly and the totally unrelated

Wes managed to get a chunk of time off in November, so we will be able to have the kids the week of Thanksgiving and the weekend before that. Wes is very happy about that.

My friend Rene lost her baby. She didn't even know it until they did another ultrasound and found no heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in four weeks. She said that it's kind of creepy that she had probably lost the baby three weeks prior and still thought she was pregnant. Her and her husband are doing ok, but upset. Hopefully when they get to try again it won't take very long for her to get pregnant again and everything will go smoothly.


This is the third one of these that has grown in our "yard" area. Every time we look at it, we giggle and laugh like the mature adults that we are. I'll let you draw your own conclusion as to why we giggle.

Tomorrow is Victor's ninth birthday. I'm picking the kids up today. The presents are already wrapped, but when am I supposed to bake the cake? Their mom lets them stay up, on school nights, until 10:00pm. They are in first and third grade and Wes and I can't figure out for the life of us why they're up that late. But the point is that I always go to bed at 10:00pm, so I don't think I'll be making the cake after they go to bed. Maybe tomorrow morning??? And, Wes's dad may be appearing sometimes this weekend as well. Our place is spotless and you can get into, and walk freely, around the office. It is amazing. So I guess things are going well.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Reality smashes in my head

Last night Wes and I sat down to look at the calendar to figure out when his days off in November are. He is currently here until October 23rd and then leaves until Nov. 10th. They were told they would be here for 20 days in Nov. with a total of 12 days off. But they're leaving on Nov. 27th (for six months). That's only 15 days. And, Wes, unlike the rest of the crew, who will have 12 days off, will only have 8 days off, none of them on the weekend. That's fine for us, but that means he won't be able to see his kids before he leaves. Needless to say, neither one of us is happy. We'll have the kids the next two weekends and Tuesday (today is a holiday so he is home) Wes will discuss this with his boss and try to fix it. It's Navy procedure to have a total of 30 days in port before leaving and 14 days off. That's not going to happen. They weren't supposed to leave until next July. But, he should be able to see his kids. This just blows. We were supposed to have our wedding ceremony and reception last Saturday, but he was at work all day (we also lost our deposit). I guess that was ok because it was raining anyway. It just really sank in that time is moving fast and he'll be leaving soon. We may only be able to see each other once during that 6 months (his dad and I are going to go see him). Welcome to marrying someone in the Navy.

Sometimes I feel sorry for God

And sometimes I wonder about God's sense of humor. I mean, if he is God, the only God, the absolutely most powerful and all-knowing being in the entire universe and all the others universes as well, are we really the best he could come up with? Look at us! We are pathetic, apathetic, violent, angry, depressed and self-centered, just to name a few unappealing qualities. We were created to want to be united with him, yet even those who most loudly proclaim to love him and follow him commit the most inhumane, horrendous crimes, both imaginable and unimaginable. Why would God want to have anything to do with us? We slander his name, his cause, his love and we're destroying his creation, the earth and each other as fast as we possibly can. I really hope we are the very rough prototype and he's still working out all the kinks. I hope he sent whoever came up with the ideas of humans to hell. I hope next time it works out better. I hope God doesn't get mad at me for criticizing him because I'm angry with my own faults, apathy and insecurities. I hope God isn't lonely. I hope he's still willing to work with us. I hope he hasn't given up. I hope he can help.

I should add, I don't think God has a gender. I'm just too lazy to type he/she.

La di da

Not much too exciting going on. Just life in general. The weekend was good. Wes bought me a plant because I hadn't been feeling good. We went to the Farmer's market on Saturday. That was nice. He had to work again on Sunday. I went to the doctor for my headaches and they referred me to a neurologist because they couldn't find anything wrong. So I'm waiting for insurance to approve that. Monday I felt great and so, I think I overdid it. Tuesday, I was tired, sore and drained. I took it easy. Today, not bad. Still have a halo around my left eye, but my head doesn't hurt that bad. We finally started cleaning out the "office". It would more correctly be termed "the room that all of Wes's stuff got thrown into." We would like it clean by the time he leaves for his "cruise." (Yeah, they call it a "cruise"; isn't that funny!) Overall, things are going pretty well.

Until I read the news. I try to stay updated on the news because I don't like to be ignorant. But this week's news really just make me want to curl up in fetal position and stay that way. What the hell is wrong with people? Are not enough of our children starving to death so we need to weed them out by lining them up against chalkboards and shooting them? It's a good thing both those men commit suicide because it makes me feel better to know they're already burning in hell. How can anyone do something like that to a child? It depresses me. It scares me. It makes me angry. Let's not even get started on the Republicans who keep trying to "meet" with underage children. Maybe I should just quit reading the news.

Run, don't walk

to your nearest bookstore or to amazon.com and buy this book;
Catfish and Mandala, by Andrew X. Pham. This is one of the most amazing books I have read in years. It is rich, beautiful, well written and haunting. I've had a hard time putting the book down, and I'm going to try to find other works by this author. This book tells the story of a Vietnamese boy, whose father fought with the Americans, who comes to America when he is 10 years old. He tells the difficult story of his past in Vietnam and of his family's future in America. As an adult, he decides to return to Vietnam to discover what, if anything, was left behind of him, his family and their identity. Pick up this book immediately. I guarantee you will not be able to put it down and you will recommend it to others.