Inspiration

Camille wanted to know why I consider Lenin motivational. I'm going to answer this question in a very long, round-about way, and I may never actually answer the question. I hate it when people ask me why I study history (even though I do it to others). It's like asking someone why their favorite color is blue instead of green. It just is and I just do. Even though I constantly bitch about what I do, I love it and can't imagine doing anything else. I'm lucky. I'm in a position where I know what I want to do and I can do it. There are certain things we will never know about history, no matter how much research is done. Example: how did Hitler manage to kill 2/3 of Europe's Jewish population? And no, I don't mean the mechanism: we know that. What I mean is: how did he come to the conclusion that beyond just "regular" anti-semitism it made perfect sense to actually try to exterminate a population? How did he manage to gain popularity and finally convince the rest of Europe that it was no big deal? There are hundreds, if not thousands, of books about this. None of them will ever be able to adequately answer the question. Also, it's pretty clear that there are evil people in history. Hitler and Stalin and Mao and Pol Pot instantly come to mind (in addition to those dictators in Africa). But Lenin, he's in a gray area. He was brilliant. And he believed Marxism. Yet he was pragmatic. But was he power hungry? Did he really think Russia would reach communism and lead to world revolution? Would history have been different if Lenin had lived? We will never know. He gave such hope to people. Hope that their lives would be different than their parents and grandparents. Hope that their children would be educated and have living wages. Hope that the future would be heaven on earth. And yet, Stalin happened. How, why? And, would Lenin have actually been any different? So maybe it's not Lenin himself that inspires me as the hope he gave to people. And he had to grace to die before the worse parts of socialism could be attached to his name. He is a mystery in a way the evil of Stalin or Hitler is not a mystery. That's why he fascinates me. Because we will never really ever know.

Sometimes I hate this blog. I've been trying to post pictures for 2 days, but it's not working. Sucks. Maybe I shouldn't even blog. Frustrating. I don't know what the problem is. Finally, I got one picture to post. About time. Anyway, I just e-mailed my advisor a copy of my dissertation proposal. I'm really nervous about that and I hope she likes it: but I doubt it. I miss sharing an office with my friends, so after an event like this, we can sit around and they would make me feel better. And we would laugh. I miss laughing with Tiffany and Nadia and taking walks down State street with Holly. I miss Madison.

I do have a new friend, Stephanie, but she's leaving at the end of November until the guys return in May. That sucks too. I did talk to the captain's wife about crazy Dee. She said I should try to talk to Dee when she's not drunk and just tell her that I was very uncomfortable with her behavior. Then, when I have to get rude the next time I see her because she'll still be insane, I won't feel bad, because I would have already tried to talk to her in a calm and rational manner. Fun times. But please, how many adults physically grab another adult and demand to know "why don't you like me?" Crazy.

Crazy Dee

She's baaaaaaaaack! Yesterday one of the three Stephanies decided to have brunch at her house for the officers' wives. I really like Stephanie (and the other Stephanie) but they're both leaving in December for various reasons and that kind of sucks. Stephanie had already asked me and the other Stephanie to stay after everyone was gone to just hang out. I showed up right on time and start helping with stuff because she has got a spread going. Her place is also beautiful and I'm jealous, but that's something all together different (think place with character, not cookie-cutter). Anyway, Dee shows up about a half hour later and promptly starts drinking. I had taken a 1.75L bottle of vodka over for bloody marys. I took a shot right away (I needed it) and then used a cup for the drinks. That was it (remember this point in a moment).

Anyway, the brunch started out very well and everyone had a great time. There was a screened in porch that was just so relaxing to sit in and talk. But someone kept interrupting and talking and being, quite frankly, rude. Stephanie finally left because she couldn't take it anymore. The other Stephanie, who couldn't leave, was clearing annoyed and ready for "everyone" to leave, because when the other Stephanie left, it was just me, her and Dee. I acted like I was going to leave too, hoping that would encourage Dee to leave. Stephanie even said, oh, it's too bad everyone has to leave, it was such a nice party. It was also three in the afternoon. Dee looks right at Stephanie and says, Don't worry, I'm not leaving. Since she wasn't leaving, I stayed too. About 20 minutes later, Stephanie flat out stated she had a headache and she needed to put her baby down for a nap. Dee stayed another 25 minutes. And it gets worse.

Thinking about this now, it was bad, but still, what were we to do? Dee got right into my face and blocked my path from leaving (I was pretending to go). She demanded to know why I didn't like her and why I couldn't come to her house right now to hang out with her and get drunk. She reeked. Later I looked at the bottle of vodka, and it was half gone. She even grabbed me though. And when I tried to explain that I have stuff to do, like a dissertation proposal, she blew it off like I was making it up. She then went on to tell me how much she respects me and what I'm doing before she began trivializing everything I said I needed to do. I finally made it out to my car, only to have her get between me and the car (after my car door was open) and do the whole thing again. I had to promise to call her this week so we can get together next weekend. She finally left after that. I got in my car, drove around the block and then hung out for another couple of hours. But I did go to bed really, really early, even for me, because she drained me so much emotionally.

What do I do? She seems to really like me. But she has to be better, richer, prettier, smarter, busier and have had a harder life, than every one else. And she trivializes everything everyone says. She scares me. Do I call the captain's wife and talk to her about it? I know Dee is drinking and driving (that's the bad part I was talking about) but she scares me so badly I didn't know how to address the situation (I also hadn't really thought of it until after she was gone, because I was trying to get away). I will have to see her again. She had asked me if I like her and I told her she was very overbearing for me. She went into a rant about that's who she is and she doesn't care what anyone thinks of her, only it's very clear that she very much cares what other people think of her. I'm afraid I'm going to blow up and tell her off. She's one of those people who can't take a hint and gets offended when you say it straight. I do not like this situation at all.

But, I had a great time with Stephanie and I am getting together with her again this week. She has an english degree and she loves history (and her husband is Russian, real Russian, like only lived here since he was 18), so she's agreed to go over my dissertation proposal with me. And my husband said he will try to e-mail me everyday so I don't feel bad. So, that's about it. Any advise?

Lenin's ghost

I need to start by saying a gigantic thank you to some truly remarkable giving people. I don't think I could have gotten through this time without Camille and Sarah. Thank you guys so much for all the help and understanding you've given me.

This is my 350th blog.

Observation about this area of Virginia. This area has 6 military bases (maybe more). I've discovered there are two type of guy haircuts: military and mullet. Someone please explain this to me. Please. I saw a guy the other day with feathering that would have put Charlie's Angels to shame. And he was wearing a muscle shirt. I felt like buying him a calendar so he could see that it was 2006.

I finally heard from my husband. He wanted to let me know he was ok, so not to worry. I wasn't worried: I was pissed. But he said he hasn't even had time to check e-mail. Um-hm. He's going to have to work on that.

I am inspired, motivated, excited about finishing my dissertation proposal. Not really, but I'm trying to get that way. Here is something that truly inspires me.

I'm frustrated

with school, with my husband, I guess just with life. Every time I feel like I've taken a step forward I end up going five steps backwards. I don't know if I can do this dissertation thing. I don't know if I can do this marriage thing. I just don't know what I was cut out to do.

Sean doesn't get what I'm writing my dissertation about. Total frustration because I thought the whole thing was getting more clear, not more confusing. I'm mad because I can't articulate myself the way I would like. I'm mad because I don't understand "simple" things like historiography. I'm mad because my advisor is not doing her job. And I'm mad because if I were in Madison, this would be done by now.

I still haven't heard from my husband, but other navy wives have heard from theirs. I feel like e-mailing him and telling him there is a reason his last wife cheated on him. It's because she felt deserted. I feel deserted physically and emotionally. How hard is it to just hit reply and say "I'm really busy, but I miss you a lot and I love you." Really, how hard could it be?

One day down

Today I cleaned 2.5 bathrooms (and found a half empty Dr. pepper can in the guest bathroom) and I washed the guest bedroom sheets. So at least I feel slightly more clean and organized. I also went to the gym and swam. I revamped this page too, and instead of just transferring all my stuff, it erased all my links. So if you noticed that your link was missing, or not working correctly, I apologize. I think that maybe they're all fixed now. At least I hope so.

Today I feel like I got a lot done, but yet when I look at it, I didn't get that much done. I reorganized the dissertation proposal and I rewrote the introduction. The introduction is a little over 2 pages. It took me two and a half hours to write. Hopefully I can re-use the majority of my proposal without rewriting the entire thing. Since I rewrote the introduction and the outline, I'm hoping the thing will practically write itself. (yeah, whatever.) I do feel more focused though, and that's important.

I still haven't received an e-mail from my husband yet. Now, this could be because the system on his ship is crappy. It's bad enough that he's going to be (eventually) gone for six months, but then not knowing when I'll be able to hear from him makes it worse. Although, I have to admit, that today, I kept thinking, "school stuff was so much easier before I was married. The library was right there, my friends were right there, and my advisor was there." I do miss my husband, but life is so much more complicated being married. I could do without the long visits from the in-laws. It's just too stressful, especially when the father in law is obviously from the generation where men sat on their asses and women did all the work. I've slept so good the past couple of nights. Although I'm still stressed out, it's a dealable stress, a normal stress. Sometimes I just wonder if I was cut out to be in relationships.

Smell that?

Yesterday I went to William and Mary university (college? I don't remember which), in Williamsburg. I want to work there. It is beautiful, well designed and planned and gorgeous. Unlike some campuses (cough, UW, cough), this one had obviously been planned even when it grew. All the buildings were made of the same type of material, (red or orange brick), same style (elegant) and I'm sure none of them were rumored to have been designed for Florida instead of WI weather (humanities), that the building was accidentally built upside down (humanities) or that the building was so hideous the architect commit suicide (humanities). (Yes, I was in the humanities building, by far the ugliest and most poorly designed building I have ever spent time in.) The campus felt peaceful and comforting. And it smelled like Christmas trees. It was just amazing. And the surrounding community was also beautiful. The library, likewise, had a huge computer area. Every individual area had enough space for at least two computers next to it, but the school decided not to crowd the students. And, (this is amazing to me) there were stacks of toilet paper and papertowels in the bathroom, but no one had stolen them!!! (yes, I thought about shoving a few toilet paper roles into my bag: graduate student habits die hard.) It was wonderful. I loved it.

Now, I have an empty (still filthy) house, but I have to calm down enough to figure out the best way to finish my to do list. Wes is getting back on Nov. 10th. The house needs to be majorly cleaned. I want to have my advisor approve (or at least say I will be able to finish by the end of the semester) my dissertation proposal. The main grant proposal is due on Nov. 15th. And of course, getting holiday plans and plane tickets and shopping and bills and all that other stuff. Thanks to Sarah and Sean I'm pretty sure I can get the dissertation proposal done. But it is hard work and sometimes is a little paralyzing. And I need to get back into a routine again, now that everyone is gone. That includes cleaning on a regular basis and exercise more often. I think that's about it.

It got cold last night. Really cold. I had to turn on the heater. That sucks. But, if I were in Wisconsin, I would have had to turn the heat on a lot sooner. So I guess life isn't all that bad. Well, I should get started on some reading that Sean suggested. A student's work is never done.

I'm alooooooone!!!!!!!

I can sleep with my door open again and walk around naked if I want. I can sleep in late or go to bed early. I can eat when I want and what I want. I can shower for 45 minutes and take all the hot water. If I need to go to the library (like today) I can be gone until 9:00pm and not worry about cooking dinner for anyone. I can sweep the kitchen and not have to worry that when someone comes in from smoking they won't wipe their shoes. I can quit pulling cans out of the trash to transfer to the recycle bag (right next to the trash). Basically, I have the entire house to myself. The entire, absolutely filthy, house. It will take me all week to clean it. If I were actually going to clean it. I have stuff to do people. Lots and lots of important stuff that needs to be done NOW!!!

It's not that I wasn't glad that Wes's dad could visit before he left, it's just that he was here for a long time and I have a lot of deadlines for school right now. Wes kept saying, don't worry about dad, he doesn't care if you do homework and then everynight told me I wasn't spending enough time with him. I think my school work lost an average of 3 to 4 hours A DAY (add that up for an entire week) which really cost me a lot of work. In addition, my husband is not always the brightest of fellows, and so, when they returned from playing golf with the kids on Saturday, me staying home for those two hours to do laundry and clean, I did not appreciate that pretty much the first thing out of his mouth was that I needed to quit riding the kids and everyone thought I was an evil step-mom. EXCUSE ME?!? Apparently his dad didn't like the fact that during an hour and a half monopoly game I asked the kids a total of four times not to fold the money in half. And Victor was upset because that morning, after he had asked the same question five times in five minutes and had gotten the same negative answer AND he had tried to bang the door into his dad five times, I told him to go to his room and stay there until told. But for some reason Wes thought this had to be brought up because I was upsetting everyone. Then he got upset because I started to cry and told him I wasn't leaving the room until everyone left, if that was the way they all felt. Would he have been happier if I had said "Screw everyone, I am a bitch, get used to it?" He admitted later that it was stupid on his part to have brought it up that way, especially since he had defended me to his dad and Victor. He better have. And it was stupid of him to bring it up. (It also made me mad because Wes's dad had yelled at the kids in the car because he thought they were being too loud but they were only talking AND he told Victor several times to be careful with his legos so he wouldn't lose any pieces. How is that different than asking the kids to treat a game with respect?) So, I'm glad the weekend is over and everyone is gone. Well, I wish Wes was still here. He's gone for three weeks too and I miss him.

I wish Sarah were my advisor. I sent her a copy of my proposal and she wrote back promptly (which I'm still trying to figure out since she had been on a plane to go half way around the world). Not only promptly but she gave me good, solid advise (not, I don't like it, do it again). And she was encouraging. I actually feel really good about the whole thing, because I hadn't had any imput in such a long time I lost focus and she really helped me get back on track. And, this is funny, she pointed out several things that really didn't need to be in my proposal, things I didn't think needed to be there either. Only, my advisor wants them there. I think I'm going to write two drafts. One organized how my advisor suggested and the one suggested by Sarah. We'll see which one my advisor actually chooses.

Well, I really need to get going. I slept 10 hours last night (which was nice since I've had insomnia for more than week, averaging less than 5 hours of sleep a night) and I have a house to clean (it will wait) and a library to get to (doing that today). Hope everyone is doing well.

Dear Creepy Fat Gym Guy,

I would like to start by pointing out that I am a grown, adult, mature woman. I am not 6 or 9 or 14 or even 18. Therefore, while I was swimming approximately three times as fast as you, I was not impressed with your pathetic doggy style swimming where you had to stand up every three feet to breathe and then looked to see if I were watching you. If you had been one of my children, I would have clapped, but, you are not. I do not appreciate that, after only swimming three laps, you got into the jacuzzi and watched me swim for a while. And then went to the locker room for about 5 minutes, I'm praying to go to the bathroom, and then came back out. I really do not appreciate the fact that you then dove into the pool, even though there are multiple DO NOT DIVE signs posted. The splash did not impress me. And I do not know what you were thinking when you asked me if I wanted to race. We both already knew I could outswim you. Thankfully, when I said no, you went away.

However, you decided that when I was having a discussion with another grown up about a possible teaching position open at a real university in the area, which she was encouraging me to apply for, that you ran up to talk about teaching. I'm sorry your "friend" is such a crappy teacher that he may be fired and that he is apparently too stupid to figure out how to handle the situation. As the woman pointed out after you left, since there is teaching shortage, your "friend" must be the world's worst teacher anyway.

I REALLY do not appreciate that you were sitting in your truck when I left the gym and that you began to follow me. That kind of freaked me out. I do, however, appreciate the fact that when you realized I knew you were following me, that you did an illegal turn to no longer follow me. That was a smart move.

In conclusion, dear creepy fat gym guy, if you ever see me again, it would be in your best interest to ignore me since my husband, who works with weapons all day long, did not appreciate your attention towards me either.

Sincerely,
Stacia

Fall festival (now with goats!)

Since it was Victor's birthday this weekend, we went to the Fall Festival (ok, we probably would've gone even if it wasn't his birthday, but it made him feel special)

They had a petting zoo, where we got to feed the animals.

They had goats, llamas (which were really soft) sheep, chickens and other stuff.

They also had rides. I didn't go on the ferris wheel because we didn't have enough tickets. Yeah, that's my excuse.

afterwards we came home and the kids played with the new toys. Which means legos. It was a great weekend. Now I'm tired and my father-in-law is here so I am trying to be a good hostess while still working on my dissertation proposal.

The good, the sad, the silly and the totally unrelated

Wes managed to get a chunk of time off in November, so we will be able to have the kids the week of Thanksgiving and the weekend before that. Wes is very happy about that.

My friend Rene lost her baby. She didn't even know it until they did another ultrasound and found no heartbeat and the baby hadn't grown in four weeks. She said that it's kind of creepy that she had probably lost the baby three weeks prior and still thought she was pregnant. Her and her husband are doing ok, but upset. Hopefully when they get to try again it won't take very long for her to get pregnant again and everything will go smoothly.


This is the third one of these that has grown in our "yard" area. Every time we look at it, we giggle and laugh like the mature adults that we are. I'll let you draw your own conclusion as to why we giggle.

Tomorrow is Victor's ninth birthday. I'm picking the kids up today. The presents are already wrapped, but when am I supposed to bake the cake? Their mom lets them stay up, on school nights, until 10:00pm. They are in first and third grade and Wes and I can't figure out for the life of us why they're up that late. But the point is that I always go to bed at 10:00pm, so I don't think I'll be making the cake after they go to bed. Maybe tomorrow morning??? And, Wes's dad may be appearing sometimes this weekend as well. Our place is spotless and you can get into, and walk freely, around the office. It is amazing. So I guess things are going well.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Reality smashes in my head

Last night Wes and I sat down to look at the calendar to figure out when his days off in November are. He is currently here until October 23rd and then leaves until Nov. 10th. They were told they would be here for 20 days in Nov. with a total of 12 days off. But they're leaving on Nov. 27th (for six months). That's only 15 days. And, Wes, unlike the rest of the crew, who will have 12 days off, will only have 8 days off, none of them on the weekend. That's fine for us, but that means he won't be able to see his kids before he leaves. Needless to say, neither one of us is happy. We'll have the kids the next two weekends and Tuesday (today is a holiday so he is home) Wes will discuss this with his boss and try to fix it. It's Navy procedure to have a total of 30 days in port before leaving and 14 days off. That's not going to happen. They weren't supposed to leave until next July. But, he should be able to see his kids. This just blows. We were supposed to have our wedding ceremony and reception last Saturday, but he was at work all day (we also lost our deposit). I guess that was ok because it was raining anyway. It just really sank in that time is moving fast and he'll be leaving soon. We may only be able to see each other once during that 6 months (his dad and I are going to go see him). Welcome to marrying someone in the Navy.

Sometimes I feel sorry for God

And sometimes I wonder about God's sense of humor. I mean, if he is God, the only God, the absolutely most powerful and all-knowing being in the entire universe and all the others universes as well, are we really the best he could come up with? Look at us! We are pathetic, apathetic, violent, angry, depressed and self-centered, just to name a few unappealing qualities. We were created to want to be united with him, yet even those who most loudly proclaim to love him and follow him commit the most inhumane, horrendous crimes, both imaginable and unimaginable. Why would God want to have anything to do with us? We slander his name, his cause, his love and we're destroying his creation, the earth and each other as fast as we possibly can. I really hope we are the very rough prototype and he's still working out all the kinks. I hope he sent whoever came up with the ideas of humans to hell. I hope next time it works out better. I hope God doesn't get mad at me for criticizing him because I'm angry with my own faults, apathy and insecurities. I hope God isn't lonely. I hope he's still willing to work with us. I hope he hasn't given up. I hope he can help.

I should add, I don't think God has a gender. I'm just too lazy to type he/she.

La di da

Not much too exciting going on. Just life in general. The weekend was good. Wes bought me a plant because I hadn't been feeling good. We went to the Farmer's market on Saturday. That was nice. He had to work again on Sunday. I went to the doctor for my headaches and they referred me to a neurologist because they couldn't find anything wrong. So I'm waiting for insurance to approve that. Monday I felt great and so, I think I overdid it. Tuesday, I was tired, sore and drained. I took it easy. Today, not bad. Still have a halo around my left eye, but my head doesn't hurt that bad. We finally started cleaning out the "office". It would more correctly be termed "the room that all of Wes's stuff got thrown into." We would like it clean by the time he leaves for his "cruise." (Yeah, they call it a "cruise"; isn't that funny!) Overall, things are going pretty well.

Until I read the news. I try to stay updated on the news because I don't like to be ignorant. But this week's news really just make me want to curl up in fetal position and stay that way. What the hell is wrong with people? Are not enough of our children starving to death so we need to weed them out by lining them up against chalkboards and shooting them? It's a good thing both those men commit suicide because it makes me feel better to know they're already burning in hell. How can anyone do something like that to a child? It depresses me. It scares me. It makes me angry. Let's not even get started on the Republicans who keep trying to "meet" with underage children. Maybe I should just quit reading the news.

Run, don't walk

to your nearest bookstore or to amazon.com and buy this book;
Catfish and Mandala, by Andrew X. Pham. This is one of the most amazing books I have read in years. It is rich, beautiful, well written and haunting. I've had a hard time putting the book down, and I'm going to try to find other works by this author. This book tells the story of a Vietnamese boy, whose father fought with the Americans, who comes to America when he is 10 years old. He tells the difficult story of his past in Vietnam and of his family's future in America. As an adult, he decides to return to Vietnam to discover what, if anything, was left behind of him, his family and their identity. Pick up this book immediately. I guarantee you will not be able to put it down and you will recommend it to others.

Excuse me while my head explodes

I am a headache sufferer. Usually they are tension headaches, caused by the tension in my back and neck from reading and doing research. Occasionally I'll also have a sinus headache. Every now and then, I'll have a migraine. I actually saw a doctor about my tension headaches several years ago. She said I needed a weekly massage, but since I was a poor graduate student, that wasn't going to happen. Since I've moved to VA, my poor little head has exploded. Often I have a tension AND a sinus headache at the same time. The only time I've been to a doctor here, I asked her about allergy medication (to prevent those sinus headaches) because I had gotten the best known OTC allergy medication and it didn't work. She looked at me and said that was best on the market. Yeah, that's what she said (she also wasn't a doctor but a RN (I think that's right)). Since getting sick two weeks ago, I have had killer headaches everyday. I quit taking stuff for them because taking too much stuff can cause headaches. And now, I've had a migraine headache, with vision block in my left eye, for the past three days. Wes wants me to go to the doctor RIGHT NOW and DEMAND some sort of treatment. I hate taking medication though. So, what do I do? I read something on msn webmd about an herb I can take to prevent migraines, but now I can't find it. I should also add that every since I moved to VA my gums won't quit bleeding. Yes, I floss and brush. Ok, I floss at least once a week, but since moving here, usually three times a week. And I don't just mean bleeding near my teeth, I mean my gums are splitting from top to bottom. It's very painful. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. Meanwhile, I'm going to be going around my house and collecting the various pieces of my brain that went flying when it exploded.

Amazing weekend

Wes came home this weekend. We had a great weekend. We talked a lot and everything is all good. And look what we found on sale!!!

I have a new respect for strippers and hookers. Those things are really, really difficult to walk in. And they really hurt your feet. Thankfully the fishnet stockings worked just as well.

I also talked to Charley this weekend. He had called Wes and Wes was too chicken to call him back. But, since we have a mutual friend here, I felt like we should be the ones to tell Charley we were married, so our friend wasn't put in that awkward position. Charley took it pretty well. And he's engaged. To be married in 2009. Now, my personal opinion is that after the age of 25 any engagement over a year is just a ruse for someone who doesn't really want to be married but doesn't want to be alone either. Whatever.

Wes left again this morning and he'll be gone for a week. Today, besides sleeping in (after I drove him to the base at 6:00am), I went to the gym and I worked on my proposal for a couple of hours. I outlined one part of the proposal (out of 8). It took me 3 hours to outline it. It will probably be one page. But, it has helped me focus. I will jump back on full time tomorrow because I want to have a rough draft of this within two weeks.

Anyway, I hope everyone had as good a weekend as I did!!!

Feeling better

I am feeling better both physically (although my nose won't quit running) and emotionally. Yesterday I even made it to the gym. Today I'm sore, but I feel great. I've been thinking a lot (because when you're sick, what else are you going to do?) and I feel better about the whole situation. Yes, what my husband did was beyond stupid, but it's not marriage ending. I really had to think about it and realized that his ex wasn't that great of a wife. She cheated on him several times, she put down his efforts to further his education and his career and she ran up a lot of debt. These types of actions don't really make a man want to be a great husband either. His parents had a good marriage (his mom died 10 years ago of breast cancer related complications) but really, all he remembers is his mom trying to hold the family together after his younger brother commit suicide (Wes was 15: his brother 13). I am not excusing my husband's actions: we will talk about them. Instead of WWJD, he just needs to think WWSD (what would stacia do). However, receiving several e-mail from me where I called him a stupid dumbass probably didn't really incline him to want to discuss the situation with me. I need to work on that.

When he comes home, we will talk about what we expect from our spouses. And, I think we will again go over our goals, individual and couples (we did this at the beginning of the year). Maybe even do collages!!! (ok, he may not want to do that, but it would be fun!). That way he could maybe see his actions as a trade-off. If I spend $A then Stacia and I can't do B. Or, if I spend $A, Stacia will kill me (no, not really). Also, we have been really bad about doing stuff together and this is a great area with a TON of pretty cheap, cool stuff to do. I need to be more pro-active about this and get us out of the house more. There's a lot of different things we could do to make our connection stronger. My husband will have to discuss what happened, but in the end, this might actually make our bond stronger (or at least the choke collar I will put on him).

Thank you all for all the wonderful supporting comments and hugs everyone has sent my direction. Without all that, I really don't know what I would have done the last couple of days. You guys are great: I love you all!

Why???????

I am so confused and hurt and humiliated and pissed off. This thing with Wes is just eating at me. It's like he doesn't even know how a married person is supposed to act. I don't know if I have enough energy to teach him. I love him and I know he loves me but I'm foreseeing a lot of problems I didn't expect. And since he refuses to talk about them I don't know how they will ever be resolved. He only ever sent me that one e-mail about what happened. And he was in port (in a different state) and didn't even call me. I know it's because he doesn't want to talk about it. I think I'm going to suggest marriage counseling. I don't want this marriage to end, but I find myself planning on how I'll get out. I hate that feeling. And right now, I hate him for making me feel this way.

Sick girl

I'm sick. With all the other crap going on, I failed to mention that since Saturday, I have felt under the weather. On Sunday, as Camille was desperately trying to reach me, my butt was in bed, asleep until 1:30pm. Yesterday the day started well, but by the afternoon, I was in bed again. Today, couldn't even get out of bed. And I'm a morning person. I feel like I have medicine head, but I haven't taken any medicine. It's sinus and ear pressure. I'm dizzy, disoriented and confused. All with a giant headache and I'm unable to breath. What more could you ask for in life? Oh, I know! A phone call at 7:30am from your favorite stalker! Yes, the situation with Dee, even though I have told her straight up that I can only handle social situations in small doses, still calls everyday. When she called this morning, I told her not to call me before 9:00am. She's wants me to house-sit for her tomorrow while she's at work because she's having some work done on the house. I told her to call me back. I can't drive. There's no way I could drive that far. I'm afraid to tell her that though, because I'm afraid she would kidnap me and take me to her house to "take care" of me.

The best part of this, I know to expect much more sickness than normal this winter. When I moved to Madison I was sick almost constantly for the first two years. The doctor said it was because I had moved and I wasn't used to all the viruses and bacteria there. Since I've never even been on this side of the country before (and I had been born in MN, which isn't all that far from WI), I except to feel crappy a lot. Ahhhh!!! How nice!!! Hope everyone else is feeling much better than me.

Resolution

Wes has not said he was idiot. Or even that he shouldn't have done what he did. What he did do was apologize for what he did, and stated that because he didn't want to upset me, he wouldn't do it again. Now, I would like him to understand and agree with me, but actions are more important. Besides, keeping an e-mail argument alive is hard. And I don't want to be mad at him for the next week and a half until he gets home. Even if he were here, if he agrees to do what I ask, does it really matter if he agrees with why? This is definitely a lesson learned with age and time, as even a few years ago, I would have fought this to the death. But now, what does it matter: he's still doing what I want him to. And, since he was talking about trust anyway, I brought up the fact that I find it disrespectful that he still has all his ex-girlfriend's phone numbers programmed into his phone (we're talking a couple dozen: not one or two). He deleted them all for me. I explained that it wasn't that I thought he was going to cheat with them, but that I kind of felt like he was reminding me that he had things on the back burner in case things went bad with us. We will still have a long, in-depth conversation about appropriate behavior before he leaves for his 6 months over seas, but I don't think my husband will ever do something that stupid again.

Men are stupid

I've gotten a few e-mails from close friends who are worried about me. Thank you. The fact is that Wes is getting a $25,000 bonus check from the navy within the next 30 days. That will pay ALL of the debt I transferred to my credit cards, greatly reducing my stress. The rest will be paid off pretty quickly after that (and that's still in his name, so not as stressful). So thanks for your concern about that, but it is ok.

I sent Wes three very nasty e-mails last night. I got a frantic one from him this morning. After explaining that all the navy guys are family and he's always done that, he did admit it was probably stupid. He also wrote:
I feel really bad and I have a sick feeling in my
stomach to have you pissed off at me let alone using words like divorce.
This sucks that I cannot call you. I love you and there is no other
person in this entire world more important to me than you. Please do
not allow this to upset you. I can't help but think you are probably
letting you mind run wild about what I "might" being doing when you are
not around. Please, please, please remember that I love you and adore
you. You are my wife and are in my thoughts constantly. I really wish
I were home now. Please write back soon. I love you.

I didn't think he had gone to the strip club, but when I e-mailed him back, I reminded him that trust only stretches so far and doing stupid things doesn't really encourage it. I told him I felt like he was acting like he was single now that he was at sea, but he didn't get to choose when he was single and when he wasn't. I don't want to tell him what to do or who to hang out with, but right now, his decisions are looking pretty piss poor. Hopefully I don't have to come across as a control freak to get him to modify his behavior.

I am so angry

I am just shaking and furious and there's nothing I can do. I can't concentrate on anything. I just received an e-mail from my dumb-ass husband and sent him two very pissed off e-mails in return, one suggesting he might want to get a divorce lawyer. Now I know the real down-side of being a naval wife: e-mail fights. He has a ton of debt (more than $40,000) and I put it on my credit cards to get a lower interest rate. My parents also gave us a very large amount as a wedding present to be spent on a 'honeymoon'. My husband just informed me that he let some of the single guys borrow his debit card so they could go to a strip club. And they spent more than $700. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL???? He knows that one of my major sources of stress is money, and you're just going to "loan" out our debit card? I have bills I have to pay this week. They're at sea. I don't care if these morons can pay him back, he can't get to a bank to deposit the money until he gets back. And if I find out he's lying and he was at that club, well, that's where the divorce lawyer comes in. I'm so mad. I just don't get it. I told him that next time he does something like this, I'll have the card declared stolen and cancelled. Then he'll be screwed. On top of that, the stalker situation is getting worse: she's a drunk and we're wondering if she also pops pills. Life sucks right now.

I feel like I have a stalker

Yesterday I did not answer the phone when Dee called. I was on my way out the door to the gym and I knew if I answered, I wouldn't be able to go. I felt somewhat bad, but I do have a life and I have things I need to get done. This morning, my phone rang at 7:00am. Yes, you read that right. SEVEN AM. My alarm goes off at 7:15am. Not to mention, who in their right mind calls anyone at seven in the morning? That's my time and I don't want to share it with anyone. I don't even talk to my best friend or my mom everyday and who really has an interesting enough life to talk to someone everyday for an hour!?! Both my mom and Wes think I need to talk to her and give her boundaries. I think anyone who calls someone at seven in the morning wouldn't respect boundaries anyway, but maybe I should try. It is an awkward situation because our husbands work together. But I'm starting to feel like I'm being stalked and that I have to account for all my daily actions to this woman. Why??? Why should I have to feel that way? I'm a grown woman and she ain't my mama.

Strange complaint

After not having any friends since I moved here, I feel bad about making this complaint. On the other hand, anyone who knows me will understand. My new friend Dee is overwhelming. She calls every night and the calls end up being more than an hour long. Even if I say, several times, that I need to go, she continues the conversation. And she wants me to come over again this weekend, which is fine, but she wants me to spend the night again. And then hang out the next day. Look, I'm on a deadline and I really need to be at home working. I know it's the weekend, but I still have stuff I need to do. I want a friend, not a constant companion. I guess I'm just going to have to screen my calls.

I'm cleaning the garage. It's not all that exciting, but I never finished unpacking stuff when I moved. It's all in the garage. So I'm going through stuff, unpacking, repacking, moving stuff, getting together a gigantic garage sale pile. I want to have it all organized by the time Wes comes back. That would make him happy and then I can encourage him to unpack and organize all his boxes, which are somehow in the office rather than the garage. But I want to use the office and right now I can't even walk into the room.

That's about it here. I'm just plugging away at the proposal. Life is good.

Weekend turnaround

The weekend ended up being great. Dee called me and profusely apologized. She thought we had agreed to 3:00p (we hadn't, but like my mom said, now I know she's the type of person I call ahead for). I went back later in the evening and she also had a couple of other friends come over. We had a blast. We stayed up until 1:00am (very late for me) and talked, hung out and laughed. It was such a good time. And I may have a job. One of her friends has a little booth at the flea market and sells jewelry (beautiful, hand-made jewelry) and since she's dealing with some health issues, I might sit in for her when she needs it. Probably not a lot or high paying, but it'll get me out of the house and maybe get me a little money. So, the weekend ended up good. Now back to work on the proposal.

What the hell is wrong with people?

So I had plans to go over to my new "friend's" house today. She called last night and asked me if I wanted to come over then, but since I knew I would be there all day today, I declined. Then she confirmed once again that I would come over today. I said yes, in the afternoon. She had contractors and stuff coming over today, so she told me anytime, including the morning. I told her I needed some time to get some stuff done but I would be there in the afternoon. It's a 30 minute drive to her place and I'd never done it before. It was easy and I was relieved when I got there and spotted her car in the driveway. I rang the bell twice. No answer. So I knocked. That set the dog off, but again, no answer. I knew she had a big garden in the back, so I went to the fence to see if maybe she was out there. Didn't see anyone. Rang the bell again and knocked again. Nothing. So I got in my car and left. I saw the curtains move, but that could have been the dog. I called her on my way home but got the answering machine and so far, no calls back. What the hell!!! Now I know I didn't call her before I left, but when someone tells me they'll be home all day and to just come over whenever, I take them at their word. I don't know what to think now.

Life just keeps getting better

Yesterday I started working on my dissertation proposal again. I think I did almost 5 hours (ok, really probably only 4) of studying. Not bad for ignoring it for several weeks. I also went to the gym yesterday. Now, I want to take a nap. Such is life. But my advisor e-mailed me yesterday and wanted to know how much progress I had made. Um, none? So I will keep working at it.

Last night another naval wife, Dee, and myself went to a military wives support group at her church. She had never been before, so before we went in, she handed me a piece of gum and said if it was bad, opening the gum was our signal. HAhaha!!! How bad could it be? Well, within five minutes Dee was looking for that gum. There were 4 people there who were regulars and Dee and I did most of the talking. I get the impression that if we hadn't of been there, they just would have stared at each other the entire time. But the topic of the night was temptation. We talked about it for 5 whole minutes. Afterwards, we went out for dinner. That was a blast. We laughed so much. And our waiter was soooooo cute. Totally my type of guy if I wasn't married (and much younger). He has long hair, which I love. Yes, it's a little weird that I love guys with long hair and then married someone in the military (who looks like a Q-tip if his hair gets too long), but I guess there are trade-offs in a relationship. This guy's personality was great. I told Dee that it was a good thing that we had talked about temptation. She cracked up about that. Anyway, it was a great night, I really like her and we're getting together again this weekend. I think I made a new friend!!!

And, as if my first real friend in Virginia Beach wasn't enough, I received an e-mail from a long-lost friend. I am so excited about this because I really loved this girl and was afraid she was gone for good. I'm so glad she found me.

I hope the week just gets better. But now I have to decide: gym or nap?

This weekend we went to

We expected there to be a lot of people, but apparently Ernesto scared them away. Too bad for them because the weather was beautiful. But we did enjoy the almost non-existent lines.

The kids were fascinated by the roller coasters. We even rode a few a couple of times. But not the one they're watching: they were both too short. I was surprised Victor would ride the coasters at all: he doesn't even like to swing high at the park. But, he went on the Loch Ness Monster ride twice.

It did get a little hot in the afternoon. Nothing a little water ride couldn't take care of. Wes didn't want to get wet. Chicken!

We had to relax after lunch: we didn't want to get sick. So we took the short river cruise. It really is a beautiful area.

The day was really nice and we had a good time. Now the house is extra quiet since the kids went home yesterday and Wes left this morning for three weeks. I will dedicate this time to my dissertation proposal and hope to get a lot done.

I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend.

Happy Anniversary!!!

My parents looking forward to their future.

Today is my parents' twenty-ninth anniversary. Twenty-nine years ago today, my parents "eloped" in a little church in Arizona, exactly one week after moving there. They didn't know anyone, but the church was full and presented them with a gift of dishes (which we had until about 10 years ago). The bride's three year old daughter (that would be me) didn't want to leave her parents' side, so she appeared in every picture. The church also gave them a reception including cake and then babysat for them overnight so they could be alone. I don't know what church it was, but I'd like to thank them because their true Christian example of love and giving set a lifelong example to my parents.

My parents should not have made it. My dad was only 19 and my mom 21, once divorced and with a three year old daughter. When my dad told his parents that they were getting married, his dad pulled him a whole foot away from my mom and hissed "if you marry that woman, with that child, you will never get another dime from me." He had been paying my dad's college tuition. My dad's best friend gave them 10 years at the most. I know my mom's parents weren't happy either. She moved across the country for some young, long-haired greasy musician. And they were broke. My parents defied the odds and taught me a lot during the process (and also learned a lot).

My parents taught me about financial responsibility. As I mentioned, we were broke. For the next four years my dad often worked two jobs and went to school full time. In addition, we only had one car, so he often rode his bike. During this time we lived in Las Vegas for two years (extreme heat) and Minnesota (extreme cold). He never complained because a man provides for his family even if that means working at a fastfood restaurant. In addition, my parents gave to the benevolence offering every month at church. They said it was only about $5 a month, because that's all we had, but they knew there were others who were worse off then ourselves. Their giving paid off because when my mom was pregnant with my brother, we didn't have medical insurance. The church found out and paid for my mom to go to the hospital. Throughout the years, as my parents financial situation has grown, so has their giving. I remember giving Christmas trees to people who couldn't afford it, giving gifts to children, cars to adults and now my parents sponsor 5 third-world children with pride. When my mom's best friend's husband died, my dad donated a sizable sum to be given to her every month through the church (so she wouldn't know it was actually them). My parents also give of their time in a multitude of ways. They truly believe that what God has given to you, you are to give to others. They paid for both my and my sister's undergraduate educations and spent more than that on my brother for drug rehab. They will give until they have nothing left to give. They are just that way.

They taught me that family is the most important thing. My dad adopted me after he and my mom got married. He and his entire family (minus his dad, who I don't have a relationship with) embraced me as his real daughter. He taught me to ride my bike, to drive a car and he walked me down the aisle the first time I got married. And then helped me move all my stuff when I got divorced. He taught me that biology does not play a role in love. However, when things got bad with my brother, it was my mom who stepped up and refused to give up on him. This was her son and she loved him and she knew that God (because nothing else was working) could do something. And if God still loved my brother, then so could my mom. It was a choice and not an easy one, but she fought tooth and nail. And she was right. My brother still isn't perfect, but if she hadn't held on, who knows where he would be today (certainly not in college).

Finally, they taught me how to grow up. My parents were very young and things were not always easy or handled very well. But my parents worked through the hard times and refused to give up on each other. They've shown me what commitment really is. There would have been times when it would have been easier to give up on the marriage, but they both decided that wasn't what they wanted to do. They weren't quitters. And as time went on, I saw my dad turn into a real man. Just five years ago my dad apologized to me for the stuff he had done wrong when he was so young (a lot of verbal abuse). And he was sincere. And I could accept his apology because I could see that he had changed and he had worked to become a man in control of his emotions. In some ways, my sister grew up with a very different dad than I did (and I'm glad for that). But he showed me that people can change when they want to. He also showed me that people are responsible for their own actions and behavior.

I'm very proud of my parents for what they have accomplished as a couple and as individuals. I'm thankful for their lessons about giving, loving and responsibility. Here's to 29 years and hopefully another 30+ more. I love you guys.

Exhausted

My parents were here this weekend and we had a great time but I am now exhausted. Now, in no particular order, are pictures of our weekend.


Saturday at the beach. Don't they look cute!


This is what most of my "dolphin" pictures looked like. They don't like to pose!


My parents on the dolphin boat.


The boat ride was pretty windy on the way back!


This was the best picture I got of the dolphins. But we had a ton of fun!

We also went to all you can eat seafood buffet and stuffed ourselves. It was a great weekend. Unfortunately my parents left today and Wes also left for 4 days. So now I'm all by myself. Bt I had a great time and I'm happy about that.

Today

Today my parents are coming to visit. I should have them fly in more often, because I've already gotten more done today than I've done all week (ok, not really, but almost). I got up, finished vacuuming my house, went to the gym, translated some Russian, cleaned out the car and I'm about to get ready to go pick them up. I am so excited.

I also finished a book I was reading, called Don't let's go to the dog's tonight by Alexandra Fuller. At first I had a hard time getting into it because the first couple of chapters are not in chronological order, but after I figured that out, the book was great. It is the true story of Fuller's childhood in war-torn Africa and it is a wonderful book. I would highly recommend it. I know she also has at least one other book out and I'm going to look for it.

That's about it and I need to paint my toenails. Hope everyone is doing well. And remember, You R capatavatingg.

Just what I needed, or I am capatavatingg

Wes was supposed to be home from work on Saturday by 4:00p. As 4:00p came and went, I became desperate to do something, anything, to get out of the house. So I decided we were skipping church on Sunday to do some hiking (next to the beach) and swimming (at the beach). Saturday night, after Wes got home (a little after 4:30p) we were going to play Diablo all night to get our fix. We were playing and his phone rang. We got real tense because we were afraid it was work, but it wasn't. It was our friend Les, who we know from TX, who also now lives here. It was his birthday and he wanted to know if we wanted to go out with him, his girl and some friends. Go out! On a Saturday night!!! Hell yes!!! I had never met his girlfriend, Marie. She is wonderful and perfect for him. Les is also Charley's best friend, so things could have been a little weird. But Les, (after drinking a little) declared that he knew we all loved Charley but that Wes and I made a much better couple. Also, Charley wasn't good enough for me anyway. So it was all good. After dinner we went to a bar and then to a dive bar with kareoke, for my husband, who was the only person there who likes kareoke. But we had a good time. And the one song Wes sang sounded really good. We had been there more than an hour when Wes and the rest of the guys went up to the bar to get something to drink. Right after they left our table, this guy, who had to be older than my dad, walked up, told me I was beautiful and he had been watching me all night and gave me this:



Other than the fact that I'm captivating, I'm not sure what it says. But it did cheer me up. And we had a great night.

Sunday was good too. We just hung out and played Diablo, took a nap, that sort of stuff. My parents are coming to visit this week and I'm very excited about that. I also think I am going to look for a part time job to get me out of the house more often. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm not ignoring anyone either, I really have been busy and I'll try to return calls and e-mails today. Hope you all have a capatavatingg week.

Here we go again (or: haven't we been here before? Why do we keep coming back?)

Depression is such an odd thing. Once you realize you have it and that it is a problem and that it will keep coming back (at least in my case) it becomes a struggle of intellect over emotion. And it's discouraging, especially since I'm supposed to be smart, to know that even though things are good (not the best, but waaaaaaay better than they could be), I can't make myself feel that way. And when you don't feel that way, your emotions begin to sway your intellect into believing that things aren't good. And then all of a sudden you can't get out of bed because when you woke up you were having a bad dream so therefore the entire day will be bad but if you don't get up you will never start working on your dissertation proposal and then you will have to quit school and work a crappy job you hate and if you don't get up the house won't get cleaned and the groceries won't be bought and Wes will leave you because you're a bad wife and then you'll be a divorced woman in her late thirties working a crappy job that you hate and life will never get any better so you might as well just die and then the fear of failure is so great that you still can't get out of bed and you just stay there and cry instead. That's what I'm fighting. But my parents will be here next week. Hopefully that will help cheer me up. And I'll clean because my parents will be here next week. Being in a clean house always cheers me up. And I'm going to write out a game plan for the writing of the proposal and then start using my daily lists because when everything is sooooo overwhelming that getting out of bed feels like it takes more energy than you have, breaking your tasks into little lists actually helps get them done. One at a time. That's all you have to do. One. At. A. Time. And I'm still going swimming. And that helps too. Although I'm sore from yesterday (and cramping like a mofo) so I'm not going today. I will go tomorrow. I promise. I will also go get groceries tomorrow and to the bank and to get my prescription filled tomorrow. Tomorrow I will begin normal schedules again. This will help me slowly crawl out of this hole. I hate this hole. I hate this hole because it's dark and damp and cold down here and no one can get to me, sometimes not even myself. I hate this hole because it's familiar and feels safe, because I've been here before, many, many times. But I will crawl out. I don't have a choice. It's either the hole or life and I choose life.

Cute quote from Allison (age 6): In a very concerned voice "How did that lady know we were going swimming?", after the woman who rang up our swim goggles and fins told us to have a good time swimming.

I will end on a happy note. My wonderful friends, Rene and Ryo, called to let me know there are going to be parents. They have been trying for several months and are very excited. I can't think of anyone who deserves to have kids more and they will make the best, most loving parents ever. Congratulations!!!

Patch-work

I wanted to post a photos of my various bruises and scrapes, but I can't figure out how to turn off the flash on my camera, so they all turn out pasty-white. So I'll just tell you (yeah, not quite as amusing). I have a one inch by two inch bruise on my upper right thigh. No, I don't know where it came from. I think I may have hit the bedframe one day while cleaning. I have a perfectly round bruise on the center of my left thigh. Again, no idea how I got it. I have three scrapes on my left knee. Got those cleaning last Friday. Both my knees are completely bruised. Got those at the park on Saturday night. My left elbow is scratched. Got that yesterday when I slipped on the stairs and fell down four of them on my butt. No bruises on my butt, but I also pulled my right shoulder while trying to regain my balance. It's a good thing I didn't bruise my butt, because right now, it's the only think that doesn't hurt.

On to the advisor. Ok, I was a bit frustrated when I posted. Yes, I was thinking about quitting but more because I have a family to think about than because I want to. I don't want to quit. I love what I do. My advisor is new and I'm her first student. She told me a while back that she will be very hard on me because the job market is so competative that I have to be in top form to get a job. Having said that, she could work on her people skills. She is one of the best lecturers I've ever seen and she knows her stuff. But, I can tell she is working on her skills because she sent me an encouraging e-mail and we are going to talk on the phone. I didn't expect this part to be easy and I know I am easily discouraged because of other things going on in my life. I feel isolated from the academic world and I miss my friends and the library. While there are a large number of things I can get on-line, that still doesn't replace an actual campus library. Therefore, this week, I will be visiting several local universities and their libraries. I'm also frustrated because of the Sean situation. He has a different advisor than me (one who is equally, if not more so, brilliant). But if you recall the prelim debacle, where he didn't start his answers until the night before they were due. And then, they gave him a week to rewrite one of his answers and he still passed. Yeah, that frustration. Well, Sean's advisor hasn't even seen his proposal but he already has a defense date. And, his advisor is chair of an endowment and Sean received funding for research next spring. So while he's on a fully paid research trip in Europe, I'll be scraping the change together from the bottom of my couch to get to the Hoover institute and then sleeping on friends' of a friends' couches while I do research there. Frustration.

Finally, I don't think I'm cut out for kids. I know that right now my depression is kind of bad, but still, they drive me crazy. I was already so pissed off by eight this morning that I thought I was going to lose it. They don't listen to anything you say, even if you're answering a question that they've already asked 5 times and you've already answered it 5 times. And all they do is pick at each other. I think next times one of them tattles, (and they will) I'm just going to encourage them to beat the crap out of each other and then ask them if that was fun. Last night (when daddy and I were trying to get some love) they knocked on the bedroom door twice. They had already gotten their bedtime stories and kisses. Once was because Allison rolled over and accidentally hit Victor in the stomach and the other time was because they missed mom. We can't do anything about that so why are you knocking on our door?!? Then, this morning, they were both up before seven. And you could tell they needed more sleep because they were fighting right away. I just shut my bedroom door. Then, when I did go in there, they were playing with a game that had been taken away from them last night and put up in the closet. Meaning, they climbed up the cheap Wal-mart shelves in their bedroom to get them. When I asked if they remembered that they were told last night that they couldn't play with that game, they said no. Until I suggested calling daddy to ask him if he remembered. Oh, yeah, I remember now. Um-hm. Not a good way to start a very long day. I can't believe I'm pissed off at two kids because they didn't let me get any sleep.

Finally, since I think we should end on a humorous note: Andrea was right. Wes does think about her during sex. How do I know this? Because he told me he thinks I'm so hot he has to think of ugly girls to last longer. Nope, no bitterness here. Also, a few weeks ago, as we were going to bed, Wes's nose itched and he commented that someone must be thinking about him. I responded that maybe Andrea and her husband were having sex. He laughed so hard he almost fell out of the bed.

I'm ok

I'm not ignoring people (although, yes, I didn't call people because I didn't want my negativity to rub off on people). It's just that we have the kids this weekend. So I will return calls and e-mails after Tues. when they go home. Meanwhile, I'm ok, I'm not dropping out of the program. I'm just frustrated, but I'll get through it. Thanks for all the encouragement and love.

Quitting

I'm seriously thinking about quitting school. My advisor is driving me crazy and since my chances of actually finding an academic job after I get my Ph.D are less than 1 in 5, why am I doing this to myself. She hates the second draft too. No, I'm not sure why. Apparently because I do know the answers to the questions I'm raising in my proposal. Yeah, those would be the questions I want to answer in my dissertation but apparently I'm already supposed to know the entire history of what I'm doing my research on. No, I don't know how that is possible or why a dissertation would even be necessary if we already knew it, but evidently, that's what I'm expected to know. She doesn't think I can get a good enough proposal before the end of the semester. Grant proposals are due in October and you have to be dissertation status to apply for them. That means, I couldn't apply for grants for next year. I'm not willing to wait two years to do my research trip. I'm married and 32 and I have other things I need to do in life besides waiting on this bitch to decide what the hell she wants. I'm frustrated beyond words and I can't stop crying. I just don't know what to do. I just don't think I can do this anymore.

Take two

I just e-mailed my advisor the second (and much better) draft of my dissertation proposal. Well, minus a few sections I haven't got to yet, but since I totally rewrote the proposal (I deleted the entire first draft) I wanted to make sure I was headed in the right direction and not have to start completely over again. I think this one was much better and I pray to God that she does too. Hopefully we can now schedule a defense date and I can buy plane tickets before they'll cost me an arm and a leg (because I hear it's very hard to do research in the archives without arms, and Russia really isn't disability friendly).

Other than that, the place is a mess and we're getting the kids this weekend. Tomorrow I will be doing a lot of cleaning. Today, I will be relaxing, e-mailing people, playing diablo and catching up on my magazine reading and maybe, if I have time, even start a real, non-history related book. Hey, my husband won't be home until 10:00p, so I have plenty of time. I'm going to go to the gym too. How much you want to bet I take a nap and get nothing done?

I hope everyone is well, and enjoying whatever break they have before the next semester starts.

These glasses fit nice

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. My grandma was nice enough to send him twenty dollars. We're broke, so I used it to get a hair cut. He really likes it though, so I guess it still counts as a buying him a present. Right? They actually let him off of work early yesterday, so we went out to dinner at an Indian place across the street. It was sooooo good and pretty affordable. An appetizer, two ice teas, two entrees and bread for less than thirty dollars. And enough left-overs for another meal for both of us. Today, my husband has duty, which means he won't be home until tomorrow. I'm going to bake his cake tonight (since I wasn't expecting him home early yesterday). Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. It will be great!!!

Since my husband is not here today, it was time to tackle the rewrite of the proposal. I have three and a half pages now and they are 100% better than the last try. That's what I hate: my advisor is always right. I'll add another couple of pages on Monday and then e-mail them to her so she can give me feed-back and see that I'm not a total idiot. Although, if she still hates it, I'm going to be in trouble. I don't think she will though. I'm using that e-mail she sent me, so if anything else, the structure will be better.

I think that's about it. Oh wait, no it's not. I had my free hour with a personal trainer at the gym on Friday. First, I weigh less than I expected, but that doesn't actually make me happy because most of my clothes still don't fit. Second, I have more fat than I need and less muscle. So she showed me some exercises to help reduce the one while gaining the other. Then I did a few. Very few. Today, I'm not dying or anything, but I've rediscovered some muscles I haven't seen in a while. Next week I'll start in earnest and hopefully I'll soon be able to fit back into some of my clothes.

Ok, now that's it. Have a great weekend.

I can't lift the rose colored glasses

I went swimming yesterday. I got a gym membership, I got stressed out by my advisor so I thought I'd go swimming. It felt great. I love the way I feel physically and emotionally in the water. I swam for about 35 minutes, which was 1/2 a mile. I haven't swam since January and I loved every minute of it. Except I need a new suit because the ass on mine is sagging. Today, I can't lift my arms. Ok, that's an slight fib: I can lift them, it just hurts a little itty bit. I wonder if I go back today if I'll be able to swim as much as I did yesterday? I'll let you know because I plan on going every day I can. And with my husband's work schedule, that's six days a week. I'm going to look smoking hot really quick!!!

As far as my dissertation proposal goes: I've done this dance with my advisor before. So instead of immediately starting on what I thought she wanted, I sent her an e-mail reiterating what I thought she wanted. That was a smart move because she sent me a detailed e-mail letting me know EXACTLY what she wants. I should be able to do it in about 2 weeks, maybe a little longer, but still in enough time to defend in early September. The hardest part: I have to defend WHY my dissertation will be ground-breaking and necessary for the history of the USSR. Because I'm interested in it is not considered a good enough answer (although I don't know why not!). So thank you for all the encouragement and cheering up. I also received an e-mail from a student I had last spring semester. She just wanted to let me know that she thought I was a great TA and how much she enjoyed my classes. Isn't that special!!!

Anyway, I should get to the proposal. But now, I think it will go much quicker and easier. I'm also more balanced in my approach (spending time doing other things) which also helps. Hope you all have a great day.

My life is crap

So my advisor hates my proposal and doesn't think it'll pass in time. Except, I think she has my dissertation proposal confused with grant proposals, which it is not. And the ironic thing, all the parts I based on Sarah's proposal (Sarah, the genius) she hates. Yet when I tried to get guidance, I got none. I'm going to go cry some more.

Moving on

Hi everyone!!! Today has been a busy day. I got up, cleaned the kitchen, my bedroom, the bathroom, sent e-mails, read blogs, folded clothes, took out the recycling, paid the rent and got a gym membership. I am now exhausted. I'm very excited about the gym membership. It's practically across the street (less than a 10 minute walk) and has a pool. I get to meet with a personal trainer once for free and I'm doing that on Friday. Yeah!!! I get to swim again. And maybe pilates. Who knows? The possibilities are endless. I needed a pick me up. I e-mailed my dissertation proposal to my advisor yesterday and she will get back to me by the end of the week with comments. I know I said I was going to read a book for fun after I e-mailed her, but now I'm all paranoid that my proposal sucks and that I should really keep working on it. I think I'll compromise and organize the stuff I have, while still working on my Russian translations. That's what I'm going to do this afternoon, mostly cuz' it's already too late to take a nap.

Highschool fantasy

I feel much better today. I usually do after sleeping on things. I realized that even though she apologized I couldn't accept it because she was basically apologizing for hurting me with her actions, but she wasn't apologizing for her actions. Which means she will continue with those and I just don't have time for that in my life. But, it bothered me because what in the world would make someone who is always complaining about not having any friends treat her only long-time friend like that. And I don't like the answer, but really, it's the only one that makes sense. Andrea admitted she had no adequate excuse for her actions. Then why are you still defending them? When she said she was upset because we eloped and didn't tell her, she was only telling part of the truth. She was upset because I eloped with Wes. I think she's still holding on to her highschool fantasy that someday her and Wes will be together. That's why she couldn't give me a reason. I think it's pathetic and sad that a fantasy means so much to her that she would give up her friend for it. They never dated, never slept together, nothing. It's just a fantasy. I guess that's what she wants though. I hope she can get over it though, because otherwise, her marriage is in some serious trouble. And I am proud of myself because when we were talking, I didn't bring it up at all (I had decided beforehand not to: yes, I pretty much already knew this is why she refused to come to our wedding). But I have you guys, so I don't need her. Thanks!

Break up

Well, I spoke to Andrea this afternoon. And now I'm even more confused. I told her that she had upset me and made me feel like her material wealth was more important than our friendship. She apologized for hurting my feelings, but not for what she did. That confused me. I was surprised she apologized, but how could she not understand why this upset me. I asked if I had done anything wrong and she finally admitted she was mad because we eloped without telling her and that she was mad because I went to Russia last summer instead of her wedding (I can't wait to hear what Camille has to say about that!). See, I told Andrea BEFORE she set her wedding date when I would be gone. She set the wedding for 2 weeks before I came back. When I pointed this out to her, she asked if I would postpone my wedding from Oct. to Feb. What!?! She said that it was only me that saw things that way. She also said I showed no interest in her wedding. I reminded her that I always asked for pictures of stuff and whenever we talked, she always told me she was tired of talking about her wedding. Then she pretty much started pulling stuff out of her ass and making stuff of. She also made a comment that could be interpreted as "I probably should have come up with a better excuse since you know how much I make." She also complained that when I visit TX I don't see her enough. Even though I have family there and usually don't have a car and she lives an hour away and has never offered to come get me. Anyway, she said she wanted to save the friendship but I told her I didn't feel like it was a friendship. I did tell her that I didn't think I could talk to her but maybe we could e-mail. I also told her I didn't really think of her as a friend because I didn't feel like she treated me like a friend.

I told Wes (he's at work) that I feel bad about it, but he said that I was justified. So, what do you think?

I have to ask.

Ok, I wasn't going to write about this, but it's driving me crazy and I need some opinions. It has to do with Andrea. You remember her, right? The girl who claimed I was her best friend but then became a total bitch when I married Wes. Yeah, her. Anyway, since I've moved to VA I haven't heard from her. At all. Now, all my other friends have either called, e-mailed, or left me sweet messages in my comments (or even in their blogs). Not Andrea. In fact, I called her once and after she heard that Wes and I were actually getting along very well, the conversation was pretty much over. I did mail her a thank-you for the very generic wedding gift she gave us, but I did that 2 days ago (I wasn't really feeling very thankful). Then, last night, guess who called and who obviously isn't aware that there's a time difference. So I didn't answer (because the phone was downstairs and I didn't get to it in time). She also left a message that went something like this: this is Andrea, you know your friend you haven't called in a long time. Since I haven't heard from you I thought I should call. Here's my phone number since you've obviously forgotten it (yes, that really was pretty much what she said). All in a very monotone, I don't care if I ever hear from you again voice. Now, in all honesty, I don't want to call her. I get sick to my stomach thinking about talking to her. Therefore, I don't think I should. That's just stress I don't really need in my life right now. Wes thinks I should call her and at least tell her why I don't want to be her friend. Opinions? Just let it go or let her know? Which should I do?

Off topic

I love to travel and ever since I was a teenager I swore I was going to visit every state in the USA and every country in the world (yes, I'm ambitious. And way behind). So when Clarity had a map of the USA with the states she had visited and a link, I just had to try it. So, here is a map of the USA and the states I have visited.
I thought it would look a lot more empty than that. I don't feel so bad anymore. It's just that I've STILL not been to New York city. We were going to go for our honeymoon, but now we don't have the time for that (or the money). I think we're going to go next year, before I go to Russia. And Wes wants to drive, so maybe I'll get to visit more states!

Ok, I'll leave you with that, because I honestly don't have enough energy to write more.

Monday Confusion

Yesterday was Wes's only day off for the next 2 weeks. And he didn't have Saturday off either, just yesterday. The Navy sucks. So, we worked on finance stuff. I have to be put on all his accounts (and he seems to have millions of them) so when he's at sea I can take care of them. And we want to do a budget, because that's the responsible thing to do and I would like, someday, to be well-off. That doesn't just happen. It starts with a budget. We went to church and then went window shopping (because right now we're broke) and we went to a pet store and discussed all the various pets we would like someday. I like big dogs, but he likes the small ones, which I don't think really qualify as dogs at all, but we came up with something we could both live with. We both love cats, so that wasn't difficult. We played a couple of computer game against each other. Blowing each other up is always fun. And we decided that when we do adopt, that we are combining our last names.

I never realized how last names seem so important to people who don't really matter. One of Wes's relatives actually told me (over the phone: I've never met her before) that if our kids didn't have his last name, people would think they were bastards. And it's a good thing she told me that over the phone so she didn't see me laughing hysterically. Is there still such a thing as bastard children? But it was an issue because I didn't change my name when we got married and I kind of wanted to pass my name on. But we came up with a combination that we both really like. So, our children will be: Weston (after my grandpa) Luke Marcek and Rebekah (no middle name yet) Marcek. That last part is pronounced check. Just so you know. So now that's settled.

I woke up last night at 3:00am freaking out about school. I realized that I want to do my month long research trip in October because Wes will be gone that month. That's only in two months. And, for the application stuff, I have to write a page long essay IN RUSSIAN about my research. And then when I'm in Russia, I'll have to speak IN RUSSIAN a lot. Because most people there don't speak English (and why should they?). And, to make it worse, almost everything in the RUSSIAN archives are IN RUSSIAN. My Russian stinks, even though I've been translating Russian texts for at least an hour everyday for the entire summer, I feel like my Russian has not improved. Besides, that doesn't help my speaking and I'm reading stuff about the government. That's not really useful day to day speaking stuff, especially since most Russians refuse to talk about the government or anything political. I mean, I'm not really learning how to make small talk here. So today the search of local universities and colleges for possible Russian tutors will begin. And hopefully end before I lose steam.

And the dissertation proposal continues. Today, lots and lots of translating and hopefully typing of the historiography section. Note to those writing a history dissertation proposal: type the bibliography first before the historiography section. It really does make it easier to see what you're working with and what you still need to read. To everyone else: sorry for boring you. But I should have plenty of time because Wes has duty tonight, so I won't see him until Tuesday night.

Finally, I'm going to start keeping a health journal because Wes thinks I have entirely too many headaches. And I agree. I just thought I had them because I'm a student and reading that much gives headaches. And being hunched over a desk for at least 5 hours a day. And, he doesn't understand that women get headaches at certain times of the month. But, I do agree with him in that they make me miserable and so I make him miserable and so they have to stop. Maybe if I keep a journal I'll see a pattern or maybe the doctor will. Hopefully. At least they're not migraines. Usually, they're just a combination of a sinus and tension headache (yes, at the same time). Fun, fun, fun.

Ok, I hope everyone had a great weekend. I need to get at the dissertation proposal.

Woohoo!!!

The Navy sent my husband home early last night!!! Guess what we did!!! It was nice having more than 15 minutes and it was really, really good. I'm still having weird hang-ups about being married to WES from HIGHSCHOOL, so sometimes things are a little weird in that area, if you know what I mean. But not last night.

And today, I'm cramping really bad!!! Why is that good? Well, my boobs starting swelling up over a week ago. Absolutely huge, for me. Which basically means they actually starting peaking out of my 34Bs. Still, huge for me. And my husband, being supportive, kept asking me: are you sure you're not pregnant? AHHHHHHHH!!!!! NO!!!! I AM NOT PREGNANT!!! Of course, I didn't actually know this, but therefore, I am very happy to be cramping. Aren't you guys glad you know all of this?

The dissertation proposal is up to 5 pages without footnotes, historiography section or bibliography. I'm still reading stuff and I'm also going to start adding the bibliography today. I'd like to get done in enough time to let someone read it before I send it to my advisor. That means I really gotta get on it. Which means I should probably quit wasting time here and get to it!

Shouldn't this be easy by now?

I started typing my dissertation proposal today. Not having written one before (what? Like you all have written dissertation proposals lying around your houses), I have pretty much stolen the outline of my brilliant friend Sarah, whose proposal is long, brilliant and long. With a 15 page bibliography. That includes sources from at least five different languages (English, French, German, Russian and either Hebrew or Yiddish or maybe both). I think my proposal will be closer to 10 pages with an eight page bibliography. So far, I have 2 pages, but I haven't added in footnotes, which usually take half a page or so,which would take it to 4 pages (in case you can't add). And, almost all my paragraphs open exactly like Sarah's with my topic substituted for hers. As we have two of the same professors on our committees, I'll go back later and substitute very basic, short words for the five-dollar words she uses, which I'm sure the professors know I don't know or use. I'm excited about this, but terrified. I have to prove I know enough about a topic no one has researched yet in order to get permission to research it. Did you follow that logic? That's what makes this difficult.

This weekend was Allison's birthday, so yesterday, Wes's only day off during the week, we drove four hours to the kids house. She liked the presents we brought and we stayed about 4 1/2 hours. We found out that the x and her man got married while they were on vacation. This actually makes Wes very happy because it's a more stable situation (she's less likely to run off somewhere else). I had great conversations with both the x and her husband. The kids gave me hugs hello and good-bye and spent much time yelling, "Stacy, watch this!" I took that as a good sign. Then, reluctantly, we climbed in the car and drove four more hours home. Then collapsed, as Wes had to be to work by six this morning.

I obviously had allergies to something here. I am currently trying allergy medication, as my main symptom is massive sinus headache. As most of you probably realize, reading and writing with a headache is nearly impossible and definitely not fun. They seemed to be working until yesterday and today. But, we had ridiculous amounts of sugar yesterday, in addition to sitting in a car for eight hours. Then today, I cleaned for an hour and half, in addition to sitting in a car for eight hours yesterday. At least I hope that's why my head hurts today.

I guess that's really it for now. Although I would like to add, Nadia I love you and I would buy your rice krispies if I were in Madison.

Evidence!!!

Look!!! A growing pile of dirty clothes less than five feet from the dirty clothes hamper.


The empty Dr. Pepper cans scattered about the house indicate that Wes was here. More proof that I have a husband!!!

I did have human contact yesterday though. I had coffee with a woman I met and I really like her. She's smart, funny and I think we have a lot in common. That makes me happy.

I have a husband?

Yes, I believe I do and I think he looks like this!!! If you see him, could you please return him to me. I have reason to believe he is being held hostage by the Navy, which is demanding 6 day work weeks and 14 hour days for his return. Which makes for a lonely Stacia, since I haven't met that many people yet. And even though it gives me plenty of time to work on my dissertation proposal, let's face it, you can only spend so many hours working on homework before your brain spontaneously combusts. I would offer a reward for my husband's return, but since I don't work, I can only offer to write history papers. Thank you.

Summertime randomness

Today I got up at 6:30am to get my car inspected. WI does not require car inspections so I did not realize I needed one here until I drove by 5 different gas stations with inspection signs. So I went in and got my car inspected this morning. Pretty early. If you will recall, I had the kids for 2 weeks and I'm also having a hard time falling asleep at night. I think that has something to do with Wes being in bed with me. Anyway, I was home before 8:00am and feeling really, really tired. Being tired and trying to write is not a good combination. Especially when it's something really important. So I decided to take a nap. Just a short one. No more than a half hour. And then I could get started. I woke up at 11:00am. I'm upset that I lost so much time, but also feel better because I obviously needed it. And it was early enough in the day that I shouldn't have a hard time falling asleep tonight.

It's summertime. One of the benefits of being a student is that you get your summers off. Yeah, we work on stuff, but we play alot too. My mom, who was a kindergarten teacher for 20 years is taking classes this summer (working on her MA) and she was complaining that she has no summer. It's hard to work during the summer when you know you're "supposed" to have it off. Thankfully, Wes is working on Saturday, so I'm sure I'll get something done this week. Actually, I'm pulling a classic graduate student stunt. I need to write a dissertation proposal. I've done research but I don't really remember what (thank God I type my notes). I'm printing my notes today and highlighting what I think I need. Tomorrow I will sit down and type until I have used every single one of those highlighted notes and if I'm lucky it will result in a dissertation proposal. I think this is how most graduate students write their seminar papers. Even if it's not perfect, it should be good enough (after a few read throughs and corrections) to send to my professors as a very rough draft. I'll update you later to let you know how that went.

Last night there was a deployment debriefing for the members of my husband's ship. Basically that just means they want to let you know what's going on between now and when they leave for 6 months and the best way to be prepared and how to keep in contact and all that other good stuff. The most surprising thing: many wives AND sailors (there are no married women on board the ship and sailors is gender neutral) are surprised to learn that they could be sent somewhere where they could be in danger. What? YOU OR YOUR HUSBAND IS IN THE MILITARY. THAT'S WHAT THEY DO. THEY GO TO DANGEROUS PLACES. I understand that you only signed up because you wanted your college paid for, but that ain't free money. You have to earn it. I'm not thrilled with the prospect that my husband could be in danger, but after studying 20th century European history, there really isn't anything going on right now that compares. But I did figure out why my husband doesn't watch the news: he doesn't want to know. First, everytime he sees something, he sees it in terms of "are we going to send someone over there." Second, if you know you have to go, do you really want to know that the government kept information from you and sent you there on false pretextes? No, not really. I guess I can understand that. But, the ship's schedule keeps changing and once again it looks like we might have to change our "wedding" date or just cancel altogether.

I'm going to coffee with someone next week. I'm very excited about that.

Ok, that's it. Enough wasting time when I need to be working. I'm going to go play a game of AOE now.

Fireworks

We made our own!!!
I took the kids to their mom on Monday and we got to sleep in yesterday. I've been here a month, but the first week we were sore from moving furniture and boxes and then he went back to work (usually leaves at 6:00am and gets home around 7:30p) which means he was still tired. Then the kids for two weeks. We're newlyweds for heaven's sake. So, yesterday was good.

In addition to the fireworks, we also cleaned up a HUGE financial mess my husband had gotten himself into. We found a way to drop his creditcard payments by $500 a month. Which means we'll now have enough money to eat and fill up the cars with gas and still pay more than the minimum payment on the cards. That was a huge relief to me. And, he found out he had a $40 credit on his Linen n'Things card so we went and spent that. Although the people working there pissed me off, so I probably won't go back. The automatic door was not working and we had to force it open, something that probably wouldn't be easy for anyone with a cart and/or kids. There were two people working who were standing RIGHT THERE and talking. I just looked over and mentioned that the door wasn't working, you know, so they could FIX IT. The response: "yeah, probably" and they went back to talking.

This week: write a dissertation proposal. The Fulbright grant proposal is due on August 1st. I need to apply for it, so I really need to get a rough draft of my proposal (both the "real" thing and the grant) to my advisor. I hope it really is as easy as it sounds (it won't be) but I have got to get it done. I also need to get my car inspected, get signed up for health insurance (birth control pills run out in three weeks) and get clearance to get on the navy bases so I can get groceries. And if I could manage to unpack more and organize more, that would be great too.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Hope you all had a great holiday.

Things that drive me crazy about kids

and that I totally don't understand.

Real life conversation, except about 15 minutes long instead of the 3 minutes it will take you to read this.

V: Daddy, can we go see your ship!?!
D: Yes, let's go see the ship where I work for the Navy.
As we're driving to the Naval base
V: Wow, there's a lot of Naval base signs. Why?
D: Because we're going to see Daddy's ship, on the navy base.
V: We're going to see your ship!?! You work on a naval base!?!
D: Yes, I work on the naval base on a ship.
As we pull up to enter the base
V: Are we on the naval base?
D: Yes, we're on the naval base, to go see daddy's ship.
V: Wow, look at all those ships with guns. Are we on a military base?
D: Yes, we're on the naval base to go see daddy's ship.
V: We're on the naval base!?!
D: Yes, to see the ship where daddy works.
V: You work in the navy!?!
D: Yes.
V: Wow, look there's more ships. Are we on a military base!?!
And continue for the next 10 minutes or more until we reach the ship.
On the ship:
V: Is this where you fight the bad guys?
D: We don't really fight anyone. We just sail around.
Next room
V: Is this where you fight the pirates?
D: We don't really fight anyone. We just sail around (I should add that the ship he is on actually does fight pirates and drug smugglers).
Next room
V: Is this where you fight the bad guys?
Continue until off the ship.
On the way home.
V: What happens if bad guys came and attacked your ship and used ropes to fly over the water to get on your ship?
D: That's not going to happen.
V: But what if it did?
D: It wouldn't.
V: What if aliens came down to your ship?
D: That wouldn't happen.
V: But what if it did?
Continue this line of questioning until we reach home.

On a more positive note, I have exchanged e-mail addresses and/or phone numbers with four different women. They are all navy wives, but I think I'll really get along with at least two of them (that's pretty good odds). This makes me happy. And, one of the women I met today and think I will really like is married to a real Russian whose hobby is Russian history. We all plan on getting together for dinner real soon.

I also burned my thighs at the beach yesterday. But, yesterday was a great day.