Unwanted side effects

It's really hard to grade papers and study when your brain has decided it is way too smart for your head and needs a bigger place, and therefore, is trying to push it's way out through your face and temples. I've had a headache since last Tuesday, at least, if not longer. I'm on this medication where headaches are a side effect, because it can cause swelling of the brain. The problem is, as a graduate student, I used to get headaches all the time. And it is the end of the semester. Time to be stressed out. But these are really severe headaches. But they're also sinus headaches. So, are they caused by the medication, or not? At the most, I would only have to be on this medication for 2 more months. I'd like to make it that far, even though I hate the side effects.

I can't drink alcohol, I shouldn't drive at night, because it can effect my night vision (it hasn't yet), it can do stomach damage, depression (already have it under control), thinning hair (I haven't had a problem with this), the headaches, joint pain (not that I've noticed), the high cholesterol, and extremely severe birth defects, were I to get pregnant. You actually have to sign 5 different documents stating that if you have sex, you will use two different forms of birth control. You have to be on the pill to get this medication. This medication is serious.

So why am I am on this medication? What horrible disease or ailment could cause me to take something with such serious side effects? What terrible thing do I suffer from that I've never shared with the rest of you?

Adult acne. Yep, that's it. I suffer from adult acne. After suffering from teenage acne and pre-teen acne. I always used to joke that I look so young because of the acne. But after years of looking at pictures and thinking, "I'm in my twenties, why does my face look like it's 15" I decided I wanted to take care of it. Partly because my mom had adult acne until she hit menopause (yeah, you read that right). And I'm getting married next year. I want to look pretty. And I'm 31, and tired of having more acne than my students. But, the medication is working for that. It's the end of the semester. Normally I would have 5 to 10 of those giant painful zits. Right now, I have two. And they're going away after a few days, rather than 3 weeks. So if my doctor thinks my headaches are ok, then I think they're ok.

So, I am going to try to clean my apartment and do homework.
I dreamed about Charley last night too. I told him to quit following me because we were not getting back together, that I was with Wes. And it hurt to tell him that, but it felt really good too. Hopefully I don't ever have to do that. But if I do run into Charley and he asks about me and Wes, I'm going to say "This was not a competition. This was two different situations at two different times," and leave it at that.

Christmas Party snow

Just when you don't want it to snow. Like when you have to drive an hour to get to a cookie exchange, with cookies that you left in the oven too long, because the recipe said 12-15 minutes. How were you supposed to know 12 minutes would be too long? Anyway, back to the snow. It's beautiful, but, I just cleaned my car off!!! And, like I said I have 2 Christmas parties today. The first, in a different town. Well, it's not snowing hard, so I guess it'll be ok.

Wes had the kids this weekend. He said they got in the car and asked where I was. Say it with me, "Ahhhhh!" that's so sweet. I told Wes that I'm so happy that I'm afraid I will spontaneously break out into song and dance. He wants to see that, but I told him I would make him dance with me. Like in the mall, to the Christmas music. And if you don't think I would do something like that, ask Camille. But, Wes said he would sing and dance with me, so that's how you know I'm with the right guy!

I've read 14 papers since yesterday afternoon. Some of these papers really make me question my ability as a TA. But then, when 99% of them are great (or at least good) and that last 1% has so totally missed it that you wonder what class they're writing the paper for, well, I guess I can't really blame myself for that. One of the other TAs, for a different class, has one of my students in her class and she said he doesn't get that class either. Makes you feel bad for the students who don't get it. Also makes you wonder how they got into college. Oh well. For the most part the papers are good, and that makes me happy. And no, I don't (and can't) really take credit for students who were already smart to begin with. I'll just take credit for helping to steer them down the path of knowledge.

Alright, gotta get ready for exchanging cookies.

I'm so happy!!!

I'm just so excited about Christmas this year. All the people I love are going to get to meet each other and get to know one another and they're all going to love each other too (or else I'm going to hurt all of them). I just can't wait until then. Today, I'm just listening to Christmas music and finishing up a ton of homework. I am going to have to take work home with me, but since I get up at least an hour before everyone else, I should be able to do it then. And I'll get to see my nephew, and Camille's little girl, and Camille, of course, and everyone else. I'm just so happy!!!

pre-lim list #2

I feel much better today. But, since it's the end of the semester, not much has happened here. Although, with the amount of work I have to do, a lot should be happening. So, since I don't want the rest of you to be bored until something exciting happens in my life (utter sarcasm), here's my second pre-lim list. This is my shortest list and the list I like the least, but the list will get shorter. I've read more than the highlighted ones, but I didn't take very good notes, so I'm reading them again (I'm a masochist). Enjoy and I'll give you a quiz on Friday.

Modern European Women's history pre-lim list

General Theory/History
Joan Wallach Scott, “Gender as a Useful Category of Analysis”
---“Gender: Still a Useful Category?”
Denise Riley, Am I that Name? Feminism and the Category of “Women” in History
Bonnie Smith, Gender of History
Judith Halberstam, Female Masculinity
Bonnie G. Smith, Changing Lives
Bridenthal, Stuard, Wiesner, Becoming Visible.
Barbara Clements, Russia’s Women


I. The Sexualization of Women

Tom Lacqueur, Making Sex
Lumilla Jordanova, Sexual Visions
Londa Schiebinger, Nature’s Body

II. Rise of the Domestic System

A. Politics and the French Revolution
Scott, Only Paradoxes to Offer, introduction and chapter one (Olympe de Gouges).
Hunt, Family Romance
Hesse, The Other Enlightenment
Sara Melzer and Leslie Rabin, Rebel Daughters: Women and the French Revolution
Darlene Levy, Women in Revolutionary Paris, 1989-95, “Declaration on the Rights of Women” by Olympe de Gouges, and “The National Convention Outlaws Clubs and Popular Societies of Women.”

B. Industrial Revolution
Laura Frader and Sonya Rose, eds. Gender and class in Modern Europe.
Joan Scott, “L’Ouvriere! Mot impie, Sordid. . . .”: Women Workers in the Discourse of French Political Economy, 1840-1860.” in Gender and the Politics of History.
Deborah Valenze, The First Industrial Woman.
Laura Tabili, “Women of a Very Low Type,” in Gender and class in Modern Europe, eds. Laura Frader and Sonya Rose.
Leonore Davidoff, “Class and Gender in Victorian England,” Feminist Studies, 5 (Spring) 1979.
Barbara Engel, Between the Fields and the City: Women, Work and Family in Russia, 1861-1914.

C. Middle Class Domesticity

Mary Poovey, Uneven Developments
Leonore Daviddoff and Catherine Hall, Family Fortunes
Michelle Perrot and Alain Corbin, A History of Private Live
Leora Auslander, “The Gendering of Consumer Practices in 19th Century France,” in The Sex of Things by Victoria de Graza

III. Sex, Nature and Empire

Antionette Burton, The Burden of History: British Feminists, Indian Women and Imperial Culture, 1865-1915.
George Mosse, Nationalism and Sexuality
Antionette Burton, ed. Gender, Sexuality and Colonial Modernity.
Margaret Strobel, Gender, Sex and Empire.

A. Introduction: Gender and Race
Judith Butler, “Passing, Queering: Nella Larsen’s Psychoanalytic Challenge,” in Bodies that Matter: On the Discursive Limits of “Sex”.
Neil McMaster, Racism in Europe
Mrinalini Sinha, “Gender in the Critiques of Colonialism and Nationalism: Locating the ‘Indian Woman’” in Feminism and History, ed. Joan Scott.

B. Nationalism, Antisemitism and the Jew
Christopher Forth, The Dreyfus affair and the crisis on French manhood.
John M. Hoberman, “Otto Weininger and the Critique of Jewish Masculinity,” in Nancy A Harrowitz, Barbara Hyams, and Nancy Hyams, eds. Jews and Gender: Responses to Otto Weininger.
Ritchie Robertson, “Historicizing Weininger: The Nineteenth-Century German Image of the Feminized Jew, ‘ in Modernity, Culture and “the Jew,” eds. Bryan Cheyette and Larua Marcus.
Otto Weininger, Sex and Character.

Janis Bergman-Carton, “Negotiating the Categories: Sarah Bernhardt and the Possibilites of Jewishness,” Art Journal, 55, no. 2 (Sep. 1996): 55-64.
Jean Radford, “The Woman and the Jew: Sex and Modernity” in Modernity, Culture and “The Jew,” eds. Bryan Cheyette and Laura Marcus.
Stephen Wilson, Ideology and Experience.

C. Race, Gender and the Creation of Empire

Lisa Lowe, Critical Terrains: French and British Orientalisms.
Douglas Northrop, Veiled Empire: Gender & Power in Stalinist Central Asia.
Gregory Massell, The Surrogate Proletariat: Moslem Women and revolutionary strategies in Soviet Central Asia, 1919-1929.
R. Kh. Aminova, The October Revolution and Women’s Liberation in Uzbekistan.

Nayereh Tohidi, “The intersection of Gender, ethnicity and Islam in Soviet and post-Soviet Azerbaijan,” Nationalities Papers [Great Britian], 1997, 25(1), 147-167.
----, “’Soviet in public, Azeri in private’,” Gender, Islam and Nationality in Soviet and post-Soviet Azerbaijan,” Women’s Studies International forum, 1996, 19(1-2), 111-123.
Leonore Davidoff, “Missionary Stories: Gender and Ethnicity in England in the 1830s and 1840s,” in White, Male and Middle Class: Exploration in Feminism and History.
Catherine Hall, Civilizing Subjects Metropole and Colony in the English Imagination, 1830-1867.
Kathleen Wilson, The Island Race: Englishness, Empire and Gender in the 18th Century.

Jenny Sharpe, “The Civilizing Mission Disfigured,” in Allegories of Empire: The Figure of Woman in the Colonial Text.
Margaret Strobel, European Women and the Second British Empire.

Alice Conkiln, “Redefining ‘Frenchness’” Citizenship, Race Regeneration and Imperial Motherhood in France and West Africa, 1914-1940, “ in Domesticating the Empire, eds. Julia Clancy Smith and Frances Gouda.
Choi Chatterjee, “Ideology, Gender and propaganda in the Soviet Union: a historical survey,” Left History [Canada] 1999 6(2), 11-28.

D. Challenging the Category of “Woman”
Habiba Fathi, “Otines: The Unknown women clerics of Central Asian Islam,” Central Asian Survey [Great Britain], 1997 16(1), 27-43.
Shoshana Keller, “Trapped between State and Society: Women’s liberation and Islam in Soviet Uzbekistan, 1926-1941,” Journal of Women’s History, 1998 10(1): 20-44.
Janaki Nair, “Uncovering the Zenana: Visions of Indian Womanhood in Englishwomen’s Writings, 1813-1940,” in Journal of Women’s History 2, 1 (Spring, 1990): 8-34.
Margaret Strobel and Nupur Chaudhuri, Western Women and Imperialism: Complicity and Resistance.
Chandra Talpade Mohanty, “Under Western Eyes: Feminist Scholarship and Colonial Discourses,” in Dangerous Liasions, eds. McClintock, Mufti and Shohat.

IV. The Decline of the Domestic System

A. The New Women and Feminism
Erica Rappaport, Shopping for Pleasure: Gender in the Making of London’s West End.
Judy Walkowitz, City of Dreadful Delight.
Elaine Showalter Sexual Anarchy
Lisa Tickner, The Spectable of Women
Laura Engelstein, The Keys to Happiness: Sex and the Search for Modernity in Fin-de-Siecle Russia.
Alexandria Kollontai, “Theses on Communist Morality in the Sphere of Marital Relations,” “The Winged Eros,” and “The Family and the Communist State.”
Wendy Z. Goldman, Women, the State & Revolution: Soviet Family Policy & Social Life, 1917-1936.

B. Women and War
Higonnet et at. Behind the Lines
Billie Melman, Borderlines: Gender and Identities in War and Peace.
Mary Louise Roberts, Civilization without Sexes: Reconstructing Gender in Postwar France, 1917-1927.
Birgitte Soland, Becoming Modern: Young Women and the Reconstruction of Womanhood in the 1920s.
Cynthia Simmons, Writing the Siege of Leningrad.
Svetlana, Alexievich, “’I am Loath to Recall’: Russian Women soldiers in World War II,” in Women’s Studies Quarterly, 23, 23-24, p.78.

I am so hungry!!!!

My body is hating me right now. Since my cholesterol is so high, I've pretty much cut fat completely out of my diet. I am hungry constantly. But I have to get that number down, or at least not to go up anymore. I think I'm going to go to Taco Bell because I already feel like crap today (migraine), and I'm being observed. Since I don't want to look like a total idiot, it would be best if I wasn't hungry too, on top of the little spangly things that keep exploding in front of my eyes. My noodles and tofu were good, but I'm still hungry!!! And maybe my headache would go away if my body had good food to concentrate on. Of course, it's like 15 degrees outside and I would have to walk to Taco Bell, but I'm sure it would be worth it. I just finished eating and my stomach is still growling. Not a good sign.

Ok, change of topic. There is going to be a small family war at my parent's house this Christmas. Let's set up the cast of characters. My grandma, who lives in Dallas. My dad's youngest sister and her husband, who live in Dallas. My parents, who live in Dallas. My sister, who lives in Dallas. My brother and his son, who live in Dallas. And my unmarried, childless aunt, let's call her Carol (get it, Christmas Carol), who lives in Denver. Carol is upset because we usually have Christmas in Dallas (can anyone guess why this is?). She thinks it is unfair and unbalanced. She has been campaigning to have Christmas at her house, in Denver. She blames the fact that we haven't had Christmas there on my parents, well, actually, my mom. And she also does not get along well with her younger sister, let's call her Noel, either. She is making statements like "I guess your mom and Noel will decide what the rest of the family will do over Christmas and when we will do it." Yes, because I am sure that my grandma, my dad, my brother with his son, will have absolutely no say in matter at all. So, I send her an e-mail that I am getting married next year, and will have step-children, and therefore, spending Christmas with my new family is my priority, although I would, of course, love to see the rest of the family as well. She replies that she really wants Christmas at her house and basically, doesn't see what the problem is. Well, as far as the rest of my family is concerned, my brother is not with his son's mom, which means my nephew gets bounced around for the holidays. My brother is not going to leave his son for Christmas. My mom is not going to leave her grandchild for Christmas. My dad is not going to leave my mom for Christmas. Does anyone else see a pattern here? I understand that to Carol we are her immediate family, but she does need to have some understanding of why Christmas is held in Dallas (and not at my mom's house, as she claims). She seems to think the rest of the family (especially my mom) is just being selfish. But I can see this going down in a bad way when we're all together.

Ok, I think I'm going to brave the walk to Taco Bell. Oh, before I go, let me vent about students. They're big paper is due on Friday. It is worth 25% of their total grade. I have had many students ask me if I would read papers and stuff like that. But no one seemed to like my office hours. They're too early (9-9:45 MWF). So, being the great TA that I am, I had extra office hours yesterday from 1-5:30p. I had had about 15 students asking me for help, so I figured the extra office hours would really help and be really busy. You want to guess how many people actually showed up. Three. Three whole students. And, of those three, I had to tell one to trash almost his entire paper because it sucked (but I can't answer the question with what we've read in class: then answer another question) and another student only had an outline for a 15 page paper and only three sources. Bet he gets an A (that's utter sarcasm, just in case you were wondering). Therefore, I have little hope that the papers will be much better than the last batch, which pretty much sucked. Oh well, not my GPA. On to real food.

Pre-lim list # one

I know many of you wonder why it appears I have such a boring life. You're also probably thinking that being a graduate students probably isn't at difficult or time consuming as I make it out to be. For you, I am posting one (ONE) of the four (FOUR) different pre-lim lists that I have. I also think this is probably the second to the shortest list, or the shortest: I don't remember which. Although, section six will probably be largely scrapped. I have read almost everything on this list. That means there's probably only 4 or 5 items I have not read.

For your reading pleasure, I present my Modern European Jewish History pre-lim list.
If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. That's why I want to be a professor: to enlighten people!

Topic 1: Tradition to Modernity

Lois Dubin, The Port Jews of Habsburg Trieste: Absolute Politics and Enlightenment
Culture (Stanford, 1999).
Shmuel Feiner, Haskalah and History: The Emergence of a Modern Jewish Historical
Consciousness (London, 2001).
Arthur Hertzberg, The French Enlightenment and the Jews (New York, 1968).
R. Po-chia Hsia and Hartmut Lehrmann, In and Out of the Ghetto: Jewish-Gentile
Relations in Late Medieval and Early Modern Germany (Cambridge, 1995).
Jonathan Israel, European Jewry in the Age of Mercantilism, 1550-1750 (Oxford, 1991).
David Ruderman, Jewish Enlightenment in an English Key: Anglo-Jewry’ Construction
of Modern Jewish Thought (Princeton, 2003).
David Sorkin, The Berlin Haskalah and German Religious Thought.
Salo Baron, “Ghetto and Emancipation” Menorah Journal (1928).
F. L. Carsten, “The Court Jews” in Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 3 (1958), pp. 140-156.
S. Ettinger, “The Beginnings of the Change in Attitude of European Society Towards the
Jews,” Scripta Hierosolymitana 7 (1961), pp. 193-219.
Jonathan Frankel, “assimilation and the Jews in nineteenth-century Europe: towards a
new historiography?” in Frankel and Zipperstein, Assimilation and Community.
Paula Hyman, “Gender and the Shaping of Modern Jewish Identities” in Jewish Social
Studies 8 (2002), pp. 153-161.
Michael Meyer, “Where does the Modern Period of Jewish History Begin?” in Judaism
within Modernity: Essays on Jewish History and Religion (Detroit, 2001).
Shmuel Feiner, “Toward a Historical Definition of the Haskalah” in Feiner and Sorkin
eds., New Perspectives on the Haskalah (London, 2000), pp. 184-219.
Arnold M. Eisen, “Rethinking Jewish Modernity” in Jewish Social Studies 1994 1(1), pp.
1-21.

Topic 2: Emancipation

Pierre Birnbaum and Ira Katznelson, ed., Paths of Emancipation: Jews, States and
Citizenship (Princeton, 1995).
David Feldman, Englishmen and Jews; Social Relations and Political Culture, 1840
-1914 (New Haven, 1994).
Dagmar Herzog, Intimacy and Exclusion: Religious Politics in Pre-Revolutionary Baden
(Princeton, 1996).
Jacob Katz, Exclusiveness and Tolerance, pp. 182-196.
M.C.N. Salbstein, The Emancipation of the Jews of Britain (Rutherford, NJ, 1982).
David Sorkin, The Transformation of German Jewry (New York, 1987).
Salo W. Baron, “Newer Approaches to Jewish Emancipation” Diogenes 29 (1960), pp.
56-81.
Amos Funkenstein, “The Political Theory of Emancipation” in Deutsche Aufklarung und
Judenemanzipation ed. by Walter Grab (Tel Aviv, 1979), pp. 13-28.
Arno Herzig, “The Process of Emancipation from the Congress of Vienna to the
Revolution of 1848/1849” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 37 (1992), pp. 61-69.
Jacob Katz, “The Term Emancipation: Its origins and historical impact” in Alexander
Altmann ed., Studies in 19th-Century Jewish Intellectual History (Cabridge, MA,
1964).
Robert Liberles, “Was there a Jewish Movement for Emancipation in Germany?” Leo
Baeck Institute Yearbook 31 (1986), pp. 35-49.
David Rechter, “Western and Central European Jewry in the Modern Period: 1750-
1933,” Oxford Handbook of Jewish Studies, pp. 376-395.
Hans Rogger, “The Question of Jewish Emancipation: Russia in the Mirror of Europe,”
in Rogger, Jewish Politics and Right-Wing Politics in Imperial Russia (1986), pp.
1-24.
Nathan Rotenstreich, “For and Against Emancipation: the Bruno Bauer Controversy,”
Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 4 (1959), pp. 3-36.
Reinhard Rurup, “Jewish Emancipation and Bourgeois Society,” Leo Baeck Institute
Yearbook 14 (1969), pp. 67-91.
David Sorkin, “Port Jews and the Three Regions of Emancipation,” Jewish Culture and
History 4 (2201), pp. 31-46.
Arnold Springer, “Enlightened Absolutism and Jewish Reform: Prussia, Austria and
Russia,” in California Slavic Studies 11 (1980) p. 237-67.

Topic 3: Eastern Europe to WWI

Artur Eisenback, The Emancipation of the Jews in Poland, 1780-1870 (Oxford, 1991).
David Fishman, Russia’s First Modern Jews: The Jews of Shklov (New York, 1995).
Eric Haberer, Jews among Narodniki.
John Klier, Russia Gathers her Jews: The Origins of the ‘Jewish’ Question in Russia
(Dekalb, 1986).
Benjamin Nathans, Beyond the Pale: The Jewish Encounter with Late Imperial Russia
(Berkeley, 2002).
Michael Stansilawski, Tsar Nicholas I and the Jews: The Transformation of Jewish
Society in Russia, 1825-1855 (Jewish Publication Society, 1983).
Steven Zipperstein, The Jews of Odessa (Stanford, 1985).
Michael Aronson, “The Prospects for the Emancipation of Russian Jewry during the
1880s,” Slavonic and East European Review 55:3 (1977), pp. 348-69.
Steven Lownestein, “The Shifting Boundary between Eastern and Western Jewry,”
Jewish Social Studies 4(1) (1997), pp. 60-78.
Yoself Salmon, “The Emergence of a Jewish Collective consciousness in Eastern Europe
during the 1860s and 1870s,” AJS Review 16, not 1-2 (1991), pp. 107-132.
Joshua Shanes, “Neither German nor Poles: Jewish Nationalism in Galicia before Herzl,
1883-1897,” in Austrian History Yearbook 34 (2003), 191-213.
Michael Staislawski, “eastern European Jewry in the Modern period: 1750-1939,” Oxford
Handbook of Jewish Studies, pp. 396-411.
Jeffrey Veidlinger, “From Shtetl to Society: Jews in 19th-Century Russia,” Kritika 2001
2(4): pp. 823-834.
Steve Zipperstein, “Haskalah, Cultural Change, and 19th-Century Russian Jewry: A
Reassessment,” Journal of Jewish Studies 34(2) (1983), pp. 191-207.

Topic 4: Social Change

Todd M. Endelman, The Jews of Georgian England: 1714-1830 (Ann Arbor: the
University of Michigan Press, 1999).
Nancy L. Green, The Pletzl of Paris: Jewish Immigrant Workers in the Belle Epoque
(New York and London: Holmes and Meier, 1986).
Paula Hyman, The Emancipation of the Jews of Alsace (New Haven, 1991).
Jacob Katz, Out of the Ghetto (New York).
Bill Williams, The Making of Manchester Jewry, 1740-1875 (Manchester, 1985).
Phyllis Cohen Albert, ‘Israelite and Jew: how did 19th-Century French Jews understand
assimilation,” in Frankel and Zipperstein, Assimilation and Community, pp. 88-109.
Albert, “Ethnicity and solidarity in 19th-Century France,” in Reinharz and Swetschinaki,
Mystics, Philosopher and Politicians, pp. 249-74.
Avraham Barkai, “German Jews at the Start of Industrialization,” in Mosse, Paucker,
Rurup, Revolution and Evolution, pp. 123-149.
Israel Finestein, “Jewish Emancipationists in Victorian England: self-imposed limits to
assimilation,” in Frankel and Zipperstein, Assimilation and Community, pp. 38-56.
Arcaduis Kahan, “ The Impact of Industrialization in Tsarist Russia on the Socio
-Economic Condition of the Jewish People,” in Kahan, Essays in Jewish Social and Economic History, pp. 1-69.
Marion Kaplan, “Redefining Judaism in Imperial Germany: Practices, Mentalities, and
Community,” in Jewish Social Studies 9 (2002), pp. 1-33.
Steven Lowenstein, “The Pace of Modernization of German Jewry in the 19th-Century,”
Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 21 (1976), pp. 41-56.
Iris Parush, “Women Readers as Agents of social Change among Eastern European Jews
in the Late 19th Century,” in Gender and History 9 (1997), pp. 60-82.
Monika Richarz, “Jewish Social Mobility. . . (1790-1871)” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook
20 (1975), pp. 69-85.
Stefanie Schuler-Springorum, “Assimilation and community Reconsidered: the Jewish
Community in Konigsberg, 1871-1914” in Jewish Social Studies 5 (1999), pp. 104-131.
David Sorkin, “Emancipation and Assimilation: Two Concepts and their Application to
German-Jewish history” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 35 (1990), pp. 17-33.

Topic 5: New Jewish Politics

Steven Beller, Herzl (London, 1991).
Michael Berkovitz, Zionist Culture and West European Jewry Before the First World
War (Cambridge, 1993).
Simon Dubnow, Nationalism and History: Essays on Old and New Judaism.
Jonathan Frankel, Prophecy and Politics.
Christoph Gassenschmidt, Jewish Liberal Politics in Tsarist Russia, 1900-1914 (New
York, 1995).

Michael Marrus, The Politics of Antisemitism.
Ezra Mendelsohn, On Modern Jewish Politics.
Mendelsohn, Class Struggle in the Pale.
Jehuda Reinharz, Fatherland or Promised Land (Michigan, 1975).
Ismar Schorsch, Jewish Reactions to German Antisemitism.
Michael Stanislawski, Zionism and the Fin-de-siecle: Cosmpolitanism and Nationalism
from Nordau to Jabotinsky (Berkeley, 2001).
M. J. Tobias, The Jewish Bund in Russia from its Origins to 1905.
David Vital, The Origins of Zionism.
Peter M. Balswin, “Zionist and non-Zionist Jews in the Last Years before the Nazi
Regime” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 27 (1982), pp. 87-108.
Michael Brenner, “The Judische Volkspartei-National-Jewish Communal Politics during
the Weimar Republic” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 35 (1990), pp. 219-243.
Jonathan Frankel, “Crisis as a Factor in Modern Jewish Politics” in Living with
Antisemitism: Modern Jewish Responses edited by Jehuda Reinharz (Hanover, 1987).
Calvin Goldscheider and Alan Zuckerman, “The Rise and Development of Jewish
Political Movements in Europe” in The Transformation of the Jews.
Walter Gross, ‘The Zionist Students’ Movement” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 4 (1959),
pp. 143-164.
Marjorie Lamberti, “From Coexistence to Conflict—Zionism and the Jewish community
in Germany, 1897-1914” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 27 (1982), pp. 53-86.
Eli Lederhendler, “Modernity without emancipation or assimilation? The case of Russian
Jewry” in Frankel and Zipperstein, Assimilation and Community.
Benjamin Nathans, “The Other Modern Jewish Politics” The Emergence of Modern
Jewish Politics ed. by Zvi Gitelman (2003).
Alexander Orback, “The Jewish People’s Group and Jewish Politics in Tsarist Russia,
1906-1914” Modern Judaism 10 (1990), pp. 1-15.
Arnold Paucker, “The Jewish Defense Against Antisemitism in Germany” Living with
Antisemitism: Modern Jewish Responses ed. by Jehuda Reinharz (Hanover, 1987).
Julius Schoeps, “Modern Heirs of the Maccabees—the Beginnings of the Vienna
Kadimah, 1882-1897” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 27 (1982), pp. 155-170.
Carl Schorske, “Politics in a New Key: An Austrian Trio” in fin de Siecle Vienna (New
York, 1981).
Moshe Zimmermann, “Jewish Nationalism and Zionism in German-Jewish students’
Organizations” Leo Baeck Institute Yearbook 27 (1982), pp. 129-154.

Topic 6: Eastern Europe: WWI and after

Christopher Browning, Ordinary Men
Zvi Gitelman, Jewish Nationality and Soviet Politics: The Jewish Sections of the CPSU,
1917-1930, (Princeton, 1972).
Guido G. Goldman, Zionism Under Soviet Rule (1917-1928). (New York, 1960).

Allan Laine Kagedan, Soviet Zion: the Quest for a Russian Jewish Homeland.
Ezra Mendelsohn, The Jews of East Central Europe Between the World Wars,
(Bloomington, 1983).
Isaiah Trunk, Judenrat: The Jewish Councils in Eastern Europe under Nazi Occupation
Gershon Bacon, “Imitation, Rejection, Cooperation: Agudat Yisrael and the Zionist
Movement in Interwar Poland,” The Emergence of Modern Jewish Politics, ed. by Zvi Gitelman.
Avi Beker, “Superpower Relations and Jewish Identity in the Soviet Union,” Jewish
Culture and Identity in the Soviet Union ed. by Yaacov Ro’I and Avi Beker.
S. Ettinger, “The Jews in Russia at the Outbreak of the Revolution,” The Jews in Soviet
Russia since 1917 ed. by Lionel Kochan.
Yossi Goldstein, “The Jewish National Movement in the Soviet Union: A Profile,”
Jewish Culture and Identity in the Soviet Union ed. by Yaacov Ro’I and Avi Beker.
Stefani Hoffman, “Jewish Samizdat and the Rise of Jewish National Consciousness”
Jewish Culture and Identity in the Soviet Union ed. by Yaacov Ro’I and Avi Beker.
W. Korey “The Legal Position of Soviet Jewry: a historical Enquiry,” The Jews in Soviet
Russia since 1917 ed. by Lionel Kochan.
S. Levensberg, “Soviet Jewry: Some Problems and Perspectives,” The Jews in Soviet
Russia since 1917 ed. by Lionel Kochan.
A. Nove and J.A. Newth, “The Jewish Population: Demographic trends and Occupational
Patterns,” The Jews in Soviet Russia since 1917 ed. by Lionel Kochan.

Fun filled weekend

of homework and cleaning house. Who wants to join me? Yeah, that's what I thought. I feel like crap too, so everything is going to go really, really slowly. I'm going to have to read everything three times for it to make sense. And my advisor can really piss me off sometimes. She totally forgets crap she's told me (and not just me; she does it to Sean too). So now, I have to do some crap for her that I wasn't expecting to do. And I'm going to have to do it over Christmas because I don't really have time to do it before then. Although, my schedule doesn't look as bad as it could. Tomorrow, I have a birthday/Christmas party to go to. Next week, Wed. I have a paper presentation to introduce. Next Friday, the students papers are due. Next Saturday, a cookie exchange. Then the 14th and 15th, review sessions for the kids. And the final the 17th, which I have to grade before I leave for home on the 19th. And I am going to schedule a girl's night out for a few of us before I leave too. So not too bad.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I originally thought it was just winter sniffles. I mean, it did finally snow. But then, I hurt my arm on Wednesday. No, I don't know how. I thought I had pulled something when I went swimming, but when I woke up today, all the lymph nodes on the right side of my body were swollen and my arm really hurt. I tried to go swimming, because it reduces stress, but I only managed to swim about 1/3 of what I normally would. I've got this great and highly sexy drainage thing going on too. I stopped at the store to pick some stuff up so hopefully I can have a productive weekend.

My ring has been sold. Now, Wes told me he had contacted them about the ring, but he wouldn't tell me if he had bought it or not. So I'm really hoping he did. I guess I'll find out in a couple of weeks when I get to see him again. He's going to meet my family!!! I'm going to send him golfing with my dad. I'm very excited about them meeting my parents because they have never, ever liked anyone I have dated, including my ex-husband (about whom they were right). But I really think they'll like Wes. Why, let me list the ways, especially those in contrast to former flames. 1) He doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem, 2) he has a career and a job, 3) he has a college degree, and he is furthering his education as we speak, 4) he grew up in church and wants to start going again, 5) he already has 2 kids and he wants more, 6) he's very close with his family, 7) he's musically inclined, 8) he's very funny, 9) he likes to play games (a must in my family), 10) he loves me very much and treats me very good. And if they don't like him, well, then I just give up.

ok, I'm going to grab something to eat and then start on the Friday Night Homework. I thought capitalizing it would make it sound more interesting, but it doesn't. Also, I think I might post my pre-lim lists for you all to see how much I'm expected to know to get my Ph.D. Then you might actually think I'm smart!

ring

Anyone know why the second picture is so big? Wes is a computer guy and he says he can teach me how to do stuff, but I doubt it. Per queenie's request, here are pictures of the ring I have picked out. Isn't it pretty!!!

Congratulations Sean!!!

My friend Sean defended his Master's thesis today. And passed. He did a great job and I took him out to lunch. Sean is a fifth year graduate student, and technically, you're supposed to defend your thesis in your second year and take your pre-lims in your third year. No one does that though. They finish the thesis in their third year and pre-lim in their fourth year. Either way, Sean took his own sweet time. But, his committee was impressed with his work and want him to expand it into a dissertation. The problem: Sean hates his thesis topic. Hates it: despises it: never wants to have to deal with it again. The other problem: his committee is right. He's spent so much time and effort into this, it would almost be stupid not to. So we'll see. Next up: Sean is pre-limming with me.

I feel like crap. I think it's more of a sinus crap (with drainage, because I know you all wanted to know that). I'm tired with runny nose, sinus pressure and upset stomach (because of aforementioned drainage). All I want to do is take a nap, but I have a ton of studying I really need to do, so I think I'll just go to bed early tonight and since I don't have anywhere I have to be tomorrow, I'll sleep in too. This is not the time to get sick. I did go swimming today, though, after 2 weeks. I swam 30 laps without stretching before or after, so now I'm sore and stiff too. I won't forget to stretch again.

Wes is out on ship this week. He's also supposed to purchase my engagement ring. It's an Edwardian style Sapphire and Diamond ring. It's beautiful and it's one of a kind. I'm afraid to look at the web site because I'm afraid it'll be gone and I won't know if Wes bought it or someone else. If you want to see it, go to http://www.langantique.com/ Ok, I don't know why this stupid link won't work. If you type it in, it'll take you right there. Stupid computer crap. It's #30-1-1539, under the aforementioned description (I think aforementioned is the word of the day). If it's not there, I don't want to know.

Over thanksgiving, at Wes's, I read that Jessica Simpson and he hubby split up. Now, I don't really care about them but it caused Wes and I to have an interesting conversation. I made the comment that I don't understand why celebrity marriages break up, especially when they use the excuse that their careers just kept them apart. Aren't these people multi-millionaires? Do they really have to work for a living? He responded that their priorities are just really messed up and that we will work really hard to make sure that doesn't happen to us. I'm sure these people don't get married thinking, when you get in the way of my career, I'm ditching your ass, but you do have to wonder sometimes. I liked the fact that Wes is aware that it has to do with priorities and hard work. He has said numerous times that all his career decisions would be made together, especially since they would probably involve moving, sometimes to another country (when we live in Italy, I invite you all to come visit and stay with me!). He is aware that the difficulties of navy life was one of the factors in the demise of his first marriage, and he wants to make sure it doesn't happen again. But it makes me happy that he realizes that regardless of how much you love someone, life is never easy and it does often come down to your priorities.

ok, on to that aforementioned studying (there's that word again).

Success

I figured I should update. The weekend was a huge success!!! I loved VA and the kids and the kids loved me (or at least liked me). I even got some homework done on the plane.

I got to VA on Wed. evening. Wes and I went grocery shopping and he drove me around the base. We went home ate and went to bed.

Thursday was a beautiful day. After going grocery shopping again (we forgot stuff), we went to the beach. And I think we walked for more than 2 miles. But it was a beautiful day. Then we ate, went home and played computer games until late.

Friday, we got up early and drove almost 4 hours to pick up the kids. I met the ex (she is very pretty), the ex's boyfriend (kind of dweeby looking ) and then put the kids in the car and drove back. After 15 minutes, the kids starting asking "are we there yet?" They were pretty good though. Wes told them everytime they asked if we were there, the road got longer. They actually had to think about that. When we got home we had our Thanksgiving dinner: ham. After dinner, I played Age of Mythology with Wes's son: he now loves me. Wes told his daughter that we might get a cat after we get married: she wants us to get married next week. We put the Christmas tree up. It is very beautiful: blue and silver, just like I've always wanted.

Saturday, we went to the aquarium. We had a great time. They had a 3D Imax movie about sharks. At one point, they show thousands of jellyfish, which look like bubbles. Every kid in the place was trying to grab the bubbles: it was hilarious. Then we went out to eat. Two different women told me that my daughter was cute. I just said thank you. That night we played Clue (I won) and Scene it, by Disney (I did not win). Then, time for bed.

Sunday, Wes dropped me off at the airport and then took the kids home. He said they both said they wish I lived closer. So, I guess the weekend was a success.

Overall, the kids were very well behaved. They fought, but they're brother and sister, so they're kind of supposed to. If you want to see pictures, leave a comment and I'll send you the link.

One last note: Charley must have a sixth sense. Wes said he hasn't heard from Charley for weeks, yet Charley called 3 times while I was there. What are the chances?

Almost time

I leave tomorrow for Wes's. I was supposed to work today, but the professor decided to cancel my classes. I can't really be angry with him. I spent all day trying to catch up on my own work. Do you think I did? No, because books also take at least three times as long to read them as you think they will. But I do feel better and at least a little closer to being "done." (I'm not sure what "done" means for a graduate student: we are never "done" there is always something else to do). I might try to do a little bit more tonight, but probably not. I have other stuff to do.

I get to Wes's tomorrow. We're going to get me a cell phone so I can talk to Wes for free. And that means I get to spend all my minutes on Camille!!! I'll e-mail you my new phone # when I get it, since I know you screen your calls ; ) Then we have to shop for my temporary ring and I made it very clear that this will be a temporary ring. We have to shop for Thanksgiving dinner. And we have to shop for furniture for Wes, because he only owns a bed (the ex took everything and he figured owning a bed was probably more important than owning anything else). We go pick up the kids on Friday. I'm not sure what happens after that. I know we'll have our Thanksgiving (with ham, not turkey) and we're also going to go to the aquarium. Then I leave on Sunday and Wes takes the kids back. I'd be nervous, but I've been spending so much time on homework, that I don't have time to be worried. I'll let you know how it goes.

If anyone has a favorite low-fat recipe that tastes really, really good, and is easy to make, and most importantly, only serves 2 or 3, please send it to me. My cholesterol is 268. High cholesterol runs in my family, and the medication I'm on raises it. I do swim and eat healthier than most, but I don't do enough of either. I guess that'll probably be a New Year's resolution. The reason I want the recipe's to only serve 2-3: it's just me and after a day or 2 I get really tired of leftovers and I hate wasting food.

Ok, I'm hungry. I think I'll go eat an apple. Have a happy thanksgiving everyone!!!

I hate homework

I never get enough done. I hate feeling like that. And I think I'm fighting a cold, so I feel like crap and I'm having a hard time focusing.

Yesterday, I went and tried on dresses. Then I came home and tried to find the one I liked on the web, and I think it's already been discontinued. How sucky is that. But, there were several others that I liked by the same guy. Jim Hjelm. Camille, look him up and tell me what you think.

Then, I went to a baby shower. Several people asked me about Wes and marriage and if we would ever have kids. I responded yes, we had discussed adopting. This was the response: don't you want to have your own kids? I guess that's the difference: I think they would be my own kids. There wouldn't feel any differently about adopted kids than I would from the parasites that grew in my own body. I don't think I would love them any less because they don't have my DNA. My DNA sucks, by the way. Well, at least it's not any better than any one else's. It may have a higher IQ, but that's about it. I just find it out that people question my womanhood because I have no desire to be pregnant. Someone needs to love all those kids.

Well, I should do some more reading, but I really don't want to.

Hey Queenie, where was that Persian place? I might want to check it out when I'm home.

How sweet is that?

I talked to my mom today. And a friend of mine. And I talked to my advisor yesterday. And I ran into someone I kind of know. And they all had the same question: are you officially engaged? Well, the answer is no. I don't have a ring and I haven't been asked yet. And Wes is telling everyone that we are engaged, but he knows it's not the same. So tonight, he asked me if it would be ok if he got me an inexpensive temporary ring for now, until he can get the ring I really want. I guess he wants it to be official. I think this will probably happen over Thanksgiving. He was very cute because I can tell he's planning something, but he doesn't want me to know, but he wanted me to know that this wasn't the "real" ring. He asked me what type of ring to get. I told him either a ring from a bubble-gum machine, because it's cute and people will understand, or an aquamarine ring, because it's my birthstone. I guess I'll find out next week.

I'll be home for Christmas. . .

I just bought my plane tickets home for Christmas. Ok, actually, my dad's credit card just bought my tickets home, but either way, I'm going home. I'm very excited and would be even more excited except that there's only 5 weeks of the semester left and about 2 years worth of homework to do. But, I'm still going home. And for a long time. I'll get there the 19th, and I'm not leaving until the 30th. Mostly, that's just because I want to see family and friends without stressing out, but also because, after I get married, I probably won't be able to spend that much time at home. I'll have other families and obligations that I will have to attend to as well. I guess that's just a fair trade-off. So Camille, let me know when you're free.

I leave next Wednesday to go visit my man for Thanksgiving. We won't get the kids until Friday though. That's ok, because I haven't seen Wes since Sep. 30th, and he doesn't have any furniture, so he wants us to go furniture shopping. We're also going to buy my ring. I have one all picked out. I'll try to get a picture of it. I felt funny picking out my own ring, but like Wes said, it's not like it's a surprise and since I'm going to wear it the rest of my life, it would be nice if I actually liked it. There's also a sale at a wedding store here in Madison, so I'm going to try to go to that this weekend and maybe actually buy a dress instead of just looking at the pretty picture on the computer.

I don't remember if I blogged about this already or not, but, Wes told me his son has been in therapy for about 8 months. I guess he is acting out towards his mom and then asked her if Wes and she were getting back together since he was moving there, and when she said no, asked if Wes wouldn't be his daddy anymore since he was getting married and since she lives with her boyfriend. This worried me, because I was afraid that he would be hostile to me as well, since I'm competition for his dad, but Wes says that he only acts out against her and not him, and that he seems very excited to meet me. So I'm very nervous but excited. I've never dated anyone with kids before and I know how important this is to Wes and to me. The kids could live with us in the future. I must have a good relationship with them. And, if Wes and I decide to adopt more kids, I want his kids to know that they are not being replaced. Hopefully it will all go well.

Went and saw my advisor yesterday about school stuff. (I should really write Ph.D stuff because it makes me look smarter, but I still think of it as school stuff). Here's the schedule for the next couple years of my life. April 2006: take pre-lims. May 2006: defend dissertation proposal. June 2006: visit archives in Russia. July-Nov. 2006: apply for funding. Oct. 2006: get married. Nov. 2006-June 2007: work on dissertation in USA: probably visit the Hoover institute, Harvard and various other universities that may have stuff (sorry, nothing in Dallas). Jan.-Sep. 2007: Wes may be out to sea. Sep. 2007: I leave for my 9 month research "trip" to Russia. (yeah, these last two were supposed to correspond: the Navy didn't get the memo). June 2008-whenever: write dissertation. So, now you will all know exactly where I will be for at least the next three years.

Ok, I think that's about it. I also think I have a cold because I feel like crap and can't breath (is it really that important anyway?). I don't have to go to campus today, but I would really like to catch-up on stuff. We shall see. Hope everyone is doing good.

One last note: had a dream about Amanda last night. It was a good dream. Things had worked out and you were happy. You were very, very happy. Please e-mail me or call me. I miss you.

My brother rocks!!!

I have to extend a giant congratulations to my brother for several reasons. This November marks my brother's 4th anniversary of being "clean and serene." I'm so proud of my brother for all the hard work, hard times and difficult situations he's been through to reach this point. I know it's been difficult, but I know he's determined to stay clean this time, especially for his son. And. . . .my brother started college this year. He's taking quarters instead of semesters. He works full time, his 2 year old son lives with him, and he still managed to get a 4.0. That's right, my brother, who couldn't read until he was 13, earned a 4.0. I am so proud of him.

And, since we're talking about brilliant people anyway, I finally (on the third try) passed my German reading test. I'm one step closer to being finished with everything except that pesky dissertation. That feels good.

Weekend paper grading

Well, my dad was here this weekend, and he just left. I took him to class with me (the one I'm TAing) and he picked up more in that one lecture than most of my students have in the entire semester. But we had a good time. He went swimming with me and then he took me out for cheeseburgers. They were really, really good. I made him look at all 550 of my Russian pictures. That took 3 hours. We didn't do much exciting, but it was nice. He asked a ton of questions about my program and when I'm doing what and if I'll ever be finished. Yes, I will eventually finish. I just don't know when

I went and saw the professor about the papers and had him read a few. He's pretty much on the same page as I am. So, I starting grading them, for real, this morning. I've done 10 out of 37. Hopefully I can finish the rest tonight, but I have a huge headache, so we'll see. Also, dear anonymous, thank you for your concern for my job security. However, the semester is over in 6 weeks anyway, so I'm not really worried about it. I usually get the highest TA ratings in the department as well. I may bitch, but I am a professional.

My dad help me set up a spreadsheet, so at the end of the semester, all I have to do is plug in the students grades, and their final grade is figured out for me. That will save me hours.

Well, maybe if I eat something my headache will go away. Back to those crappy, crappy papers, where my most common comment is: Have you read any of the material?.

Paper hell

These papers are driving me crazy!!!! Mostly because they fall into three different categories: 1) absolutely rocks, 2) they read but don't have a clue, or 3) didn't read and don't have a clue. I don't think my professor will let me give 10 A's and 10 C's, 10 D's and 10 F's. I could be wrong though. And I have this one paper that I know the student didn't write. But I've googled the hell out of it and can't figure out where he got it from. All I know is, this is the kid who started the last paper with "history repeats itself" and this time he's using words like semblance, ephemeral, and anomie. I can guarantee he has no idea what some of these words mean. Hell, I don't know what some of these words mean.

One final funny from an American history paper:
The old west is where the livesocks used to roam. (I guess they went extinct from over-hunting).

History 101

I've read more of the papers. They are pretty bad. But some are good. I decided to do a semester review in class today, because it was pretty clear that a lot of people are completely lost. Although, I would always suggest that you actually READ the people you write about in a paper. Since I'm grading papers, I've been swapping horror stories with other TAs. Here are a few lessons of history that I bet you never knew.

Because we are white, we feel a whitman's burden towards the former colonized people. (reading Whitman is indeed a burden)

Russians have a pheasants problem. (probably not, the peasants probably ate them all).

Otto von Bismarck was the creator of the Otto von. (say it outloud).

Artisans in the Middle Ages were organized in guilts (apparently by their mothers).

And my absolute favorite:

Women are oppressed because we have volvos. (where can I pick mine up?).

There are a lot more, but if you're not a Russian history buff, you probably wouldn't find any of them funny.

If you find out where to pick up those volvos, let me know.

Just shoot me now!

I got the mid-terms from the students today. This has ruined the rest of my week. These kids are idiots. Ok, that's not fair. Most of these kids are idiots. Some are very intelligent. And, I didn't get two mid-terms. And I didn't get papers from these same two students either. They just need to drop now, because they are going to fail. At least I'll get some satisfaction in that. On a brighter note, when I went to see the professor I'm TAing for, he referred to the students as dickheads. I thought I was going to cry from trying not to laugh. We teach because we love the students. Oh, and another example of the students high IQs, my friend is TAing for the USSR history course and he graded those mid-terms this past weekend, and he couldn't believe how many people wrote about those hard-working, long-suffering Russian pheasants. (I hear they taste great too!).

If I had a Russian bride, could she grade the papers for me?

I talked to Wes about the kids last night. It was a good talk, and I found out that his son is asking his ex some very serious questions. First, he wanted to know if she and Wes were getting back together since Wes has moved closer. Then, he wanted to know if since Wes is marrying me, and the ex lives with her boyfriend, if that meant that her boyfriend would be his daddy now, because Wes would start a new family with me. Wes is getting the kids this weekend, so he's going to have a talk with them about how we'll all be a family. This actually makes me feel better, because at least I know what the kids are worried about. And since I'm a grown-up, I'm not worried that the kids are in competition with me for Wes. I hate women that don't like it when "their" men spend time with their kids because it takes time away from them. That just doesn't make any sense to me. I'm starting to look forward to Thanksgiving and maybe starting new family traditions with Wes and his kids. Any suggestions?

Are we there yet?

My thoughts are all over the place today. We'll just go in a random order, and hopefully I can keep up.

Did you see that I got a spam comment the other day? It was from a mail-order Russian bride site. I guess it picked up on the Charley reference. I asked Wes if we should forward the link to Charley, but he didn't think that would be funny. I thought it would be hilarious. Although, most people don't get my humor.

I got a ton of homework done today, which is good, because I get the student's mid-term exams tomorrow. I do not look forward to grading those. Guess I don't have a choice though, because that's what I get paid (poorly) for. I saw this one blog with ads all over it, and yeah, it was tacky, but she said it helped pay the bills. I thought about doing something like that, but since I think only three people read my blog, I don't think I'd make a lot. Maybe you would all like to check my blog at least 100 times a day so I can make money? Yeah, me either.

Wes moved into his new place this weekend. He has no furniture except for bedroom stuff. He's turning the second bedroom into a study and will have the kids sleep on the couch (which he hasn't bought yet). We're talking about getting a 3 bedroom place when we get married, that way the kids can have their own room (and I'll have a place to put my furniture). I think that just makes sense. He gave up everything in the divorce, and I was looking at all my stuff (kitchen stuff and furniture) and I think by next year, I'm going to need all new stuff too. But we're not going to register anywhere, because we've both been married before, and I don't really want anyone to buy us gifts. Money would be ok, but we're adults and we're not broke (like we both were the first time we got married).

I think Wes and I are going to have to talk about his kids and discipline and child rearing. We've talked about it a little bit. We both believe that there are many better ways of disciplining a child other than spanking them. We believe children should eat at the table, not play. Stuff like that. The problem is, whenever I try to discuss the topic, he just insists that the kids will love me and not to worry about it. He admits that there might be problems in the future, but we'll just deal with that when we get there. Otherwise, he just says that he'll back me up with whatever I decide. I know he means we'll decide those things together, but he's making me feel like I'll have to be the disciplinarian and he'll agree with me no matter what. I know he disciplines his kids now. I don't think he realizes that he's not reassuring me, that he's actually making me more worried about the situation. I want to do this together with him, not do it myself and then him pat me on the back. I think once we talk about it, it'll be fine. I'm still nervous though.

My dad is coming to visit on Thursday. I'm going to take him with me to class on Friday. It's the class I TA for. That should be fun. Other than that, I don't know what we'll do.

Am I the only person who finds it odd that "blog" is not in the spell check dictionary?

Disappointment

The plan was, I would go see Wes and meet his family over Thanksgiving and he would come and meet my family over Christmas. Normally, I go visit my grandparents over Thanksgiving. But I decided I'll just go see them over my winter break. Not seeing them at all is not an option: my grandpa's mental and physical health is failing rapidly. Wes hasn't bought my Thanksgiving tickets yet. It's not because he's a procrastinator or anything, it's just that he doesn't report to his new "job" until next Thursday. He wasn't sure when he would have off. But it appears that he will indeed get that time off and that there are still some relatively cheap (by that, I mean expensive but doable) tickets left. I would fly out Wednesday and fly home Sunday. Almost five days. After discussing this, Wes said that he'll come into Dallas on Dec. 16th. But I won't be there until the 19th or 20th. Well, he's going to go visit family in the area and then come back on the 19th or 20th. And then his dad will pick him up on the 24th and they will leave. I was very disappointed. He doesn't have to be back until the 28th, but he should go see his grandparents in East Texas: they too are suffering bad health. I just thought I would be able to see him a little longer. And I'm not sure that we'll have time for him to meet all my friends. Well, mostly I just want him to meet Camille. And most of my family works, so I don't really know how much he'll get to spend time with some of them, like my brother, if he's not actually there for Christmas. I know I should be happy that I get to see him, I'm just a bit bummed.

Meeting his kids is starting to stress me out. It's not the fact that they're kids: it's the fact that their mother is raising them very differently than I would raise my own kids. I don't want to confuse the kids, or make them think I don't think she's a good mom, but I don't want my kids to act that way. Wes says the kids are good when they're with him, but that doesn't mean they'll be good for me. And what happens when Wes and I have kids? Do I just hope that at that point his kids are so old it's not an issue anymore? And now, his ex-wife is talking like we might swap the kids every few years or something. I just think that might be too confusing for them. I guess I'll just cross that bridge when I get to it. Sigh.

Adventures with food

Thursday I don't really do anything except homework, and sometimes even that is difficult. Today was no exception. It was beautiful today, at least it was for that 30 seconds when I took the trash out. We were supposed to set a new record high today. And, like I said, I left my apartment once. I was doing homework. And yes, I got a lot done, but no, it wasn't enough. It never is.

This afternoon I was snacking on some dates. Dates are normally a food I would not buy, but I needed them for that exotic apple crisp I made a couple weeks ago. Now, I think dates taste really good, and they're really good for you, but, they look like giant cockroaches. I don't know about you, but I really don't want to be eating a food that reminds me of some nasty bug I would normally flush down the toilet. Then, for dinner, I had soup. This is what the label said. "Vegetable Classics, Green Split Pea, with bacon." Now, I'm not a vegetarian, so the bacon doesn't bother me, but I'm pretty sure that most vegetarians don't consider bacon a vegetable. I wonder when we'll be reading about the lawsuit brought against that company.

Yep, that's been my fun day. Now, back to the books and the roaches.

Girl's night out

graduate style. I just got back from girl's night out, at Nick's. They have the best pie. I can't drink right now because of this stupid medication I'm on, but I can still eat pie. We had a blast, just gossiping and stuff. I hooked up two of my friends, so that's pretty cool. But if it goes bad, it'll be weird because I share an office with one of them, and I'm really good friends with the other. It was just nice to get out for a couple of hours.

This medication is driving me crazy. First my nose itched constantly. Now, it's my eyebrows. Do you know how creepy it is to see someone who is constantly scratching their eyebrows? My entire body is getting itchy because it is so dry. Except for my face. It's still nice and oily. But it's also dry and peely. Could someone please explain this to me? Hopefully I'll only have to be on this stuff for a couple of months. Swimming is making the whole dry thing worse too. I guess I should point out to myself that since this is acne medication, it is supposed to make me dry, but I don't like the itchy stuff.

Yes, Camille, I got the wonderful bed stuff. The memory foam is really cool! The pillows are nice too. The sheets are definitely soft, but I had to iron them, so I'm not sure if the trade-off is worth it. I hate to iron and I'm really bad at it. I only ironed the pillowcases and the top half of the sheets. I'm lazy too!

I love days like today

My students are brilliant. Now, if you read my blog just last week, I know I indicated otherwise, but they have redeemed themselves this week. They read, they discussed, they asked questions. This was some of the semester's hardest, most difficult, and one of them, the most unenjoyable readings. But they did it, they thought about it and they discussed it. It was a great day. I love these days. It makes me glad I'm a TA and decided to be a professor.

Get ready to laugh

Wes told me that Charley made a joke about us the other night. So I asked, what was it. Well, apparently Charley has decided to try to find a woman on the internet. Nothing wrong there, I know several people who have met that way. Apparently the girl he met is Russian. And lives in Russia. Does anybody else see the irony of this situation? Anyway, he was telling Wes about this and Wes asked if she were attractive and Charley said yes (I hope it was a recent picture) and Wes asked to see the picture. Charley's reply, "I want to keep this one." Ouch! But they laughed about it. I was thinking about it though, and there's a few concerns I have. First, I don't want Charley to get screwed over. Alot of those women are legitimate, but a lot also only want money or green cards. Second, Russians really look down on drug use. So if their relationship does progress, I hope she's so desperate to get out that she doesn't mind about Charley. At least for a while. Finally, Charley always wanted to be a knight in shining armor, so maybe this is a good situation for him. She needs rescuing and he can do it. As long as she doesn't mind that for the rest of her life she'll have to worship him for it, then they're good. This could end up being very strange though. I wonder if he looked at Russian girls on purpose. Anyone have an opinion on that?

He loves me

He really, really does. Well, of course I already knew this. But when I went and spent almost $500 on his American Express, his reply: "are you sure you got everything you need?" He demanded that I get the most expensive pillows (did you know they sell pillows that cost $100 a piece?). Two of them. And a memory foam topper. And I found 400 count sheets on sale. And then, I went and bought 5 pair of underwear and 2 bras. These, he demanded that he get pictures of. He also told me to go buy a tripod for my camera. I guess that fair: he did pay for them. And, I found something to motivate him to quit smoking: me. Everyday he doesn't smoke, he gets a picture. The longer he doesn't smoke the more "intimate" the pictures get. He seems highly motivated now.

Other than that: homework. Is there anything else? And yes, that's a serious question.

Finally, some real excitement!!!!

I turned the papers back to the students this morning. So far, I haven't heard anything, but that could be because I told them they had to wait 24 hours before they contacted me. I also told them I'd be more than willing to lower their grades if they pissed me off (ok, that's now how I said it, but that was basically what I said). And of course, I had one student who wanted to know where his paper was. Only, I hadn't gotten a paper from him. And I had even e-mailed him to ask him why. Apparently, even though I spent 10 minutes explaining that the box numbers are not the same as the office numbers and giving directions to where the boxes were, and even though he's a senior, he still managed to put his paper in the wrong place. He actually shows up to class and reads and discusses, so I let him turn it in. It sucks (as a paper, not the situation).

I meant to spend this entire afternoon in the library, but at about 3:15p I looked at my watch and said to myself: Myself, it's Friday afternoon, and you need to go home. Mostly because the book I have to have read by Monday was at home, not because I wanted to goof off or anything (although I really do want to goof off). But it's a long book and since I'm the TA, I have to read it (even if none of the students will). Since it's halloween weekend, and this is Madison (the biggest Halloween celebration in the country), I really don't expect much from the students next week. But I have high expectations for myself. Therefore, I will read this crappy book for the second time, because I didn't take notes the first time I read it (2 years ago).

Finally, Wes really, really loves me. Today, I got an American Express with my name on it. And I don't have to pay for it. And, Wes demands that I go to Linen and Things and buy some good pillows, a down-filled mattress pad and 300 count Egyptian cotton sheets. Since sleep is so precious to a grad student and my 5 year old, $10 pillows aren't really that comfortable, he feels that this will contribute to my health and my academic career. How can you not love a man like that?

I'm going to go eat my pizza and then read.
Does anyone have any exciting Halloween plans?

Even more excitement

Today, it got even more exciting than yesterday. Why? you may ask. Well, because I made apple crisp. Yeah, that was the big excitement. Although, it also had pears and dates in it, so it was a bit exotic.

After that, I went to the library for almost 6 hours and sat in a hard wooden chair and read for the entire time. Then I came home and ate.

And now I'm typing this.

How could it possibly get anymore exciting?

Finished!!!! Well,

not quite. Almost finished. I have seven left to read one more time and finalize the grades on them. Then I have to enter the grades in Excel. Then I'm finished. Overall I guess they're not that bad. At least I see the end of the tunnel. And the train light as it rushes to run me over. They get their mid-terms next Monday and I'm sure there will be a few students who aren't happy with their grades. This is my least favorite part of teaching. But, class went much better yesterday. So that made me happy.

Ok, so my life is a little stale right now.


Now I'm finished completely. The paper grades have been broken down and e-mailed to the professor, the grades have been recorded in Excel, and I have e-mailed those with A papers if I could copy their papers to show the rest of the class what an A paper looks like. Since their mid-terms aren't due until Nov. the 7th, that leaves me a week and a half (but more importantly, two free thursdays and two free weekends) to work on all my other crap. And there is a lot of it. Now I'm off to clean the kitchen.

Sigh. . . .

Just thinking about grading the rest of those papers makes me tired. I'm more than half way through. Ok, I'm more than half way through reading them all and putting little post-it notes on them of what I think they should be. After I've done this will all of them, I'll go back and find out the break-down of the grades. And then, I'll probably go back and re-read some of them and change those grades and then finally, post the final grades for these papers. The kids will get them back on Friday. Monday they get their mid-term take home exams. I get to grade those one week after they get them. When am I supposed to get anything done? The papers, well, as usual they all surprise me. Either because they're so good, or because they're so bad I can't figure out what class they're taking.

So, just for your information, Russian history. Peter the Great was NOT married to Catherine the Great. He was dead before she was born. She WAS married to Peter the third. Russia NEVER had a ruler named Alexander the Great. That was a Macedonian ruler, way back when. There's even a movie. You cannot write about how the entire Russian country debated in journals about autocracy and serfdom in the late 18th and early 19th century: less than 10% of the population was literate at that time (and that's being generous). If someone is writing about the reign of Alexander I, (reign, 1801-1825), they did NOT write about it in the 1760s. So far, these have been the most common mistakes. And, I guess, the most amusing. And one more note: NEVER, EVER start a history paper with the cliche "history repeats itself." (Yes, I had a student who did this).

Other than that, I just got back from the hospital. My friend just had a baby boy. He is very beautiful and looks a lot like his proud daddy. Congratulations Meegan and Jason (and big brother David). He is precious. (I still don't want one of my own). I also got my final hepatitis B shot today and I started on a new medication where depression is a side-affect. So if you notice that my blog is getting more and more alarming, please bombard me with comments and e-mail to cheer me up.

Ok, need to go clean the kitchen and then call Wes and go to bed. Tomorrow is my long day.

Paper hell: part 2

The papers were due at 3:00pm. I told the class I would be leaving campus at 3:15pm. I told them, since I was already extending the time for their papers (the professor wanted them in class at 9:55am) that I would not accept any late papers for any reason. So, how many papers am I short. Three. THREE. I expected one, but not THREE. Especially since two of the three are normally good students. And I haven't received any e-mails either. If I don't receive e-mails today about the papers, then I'm not going to accept the papers, even if they claim they put them in my box today. How am I supposed to know if they actually put the papers in my box today when I'm not there and not going back until Monday? I hate crap like this. Because now I'm going to have to be super bitchy and it's not my fault. I guess we'll see how it all plays out. Meanwhile, I have other papers to grade.

My stupid, brand-new computer has a spooler problem. It doesn't like to print stuff off of the internet. I'm a history Ph.D student, I print articles all the time. I'm going to see if Wes can solve this problem over the phone, because it is really annoying.

I think that is it. I have a ton of stuff to do (when don't I) and I really should get stuff done tonight, even though I'd rather play Age of Mythology.

Paper hell

Today the students have to turn in a 5 to 7 page paper. I have 42 students, (although, I've never seen 2 of them), so, technically speaking, I should have 42 papers to grade this weekend. I'm so excited I can barely contain myself!!!! (Yes, that is sarcasm that just dripped all over your computer). I told them I would not take any late papers. How many people do you think will e-mail me wanting me to take a late paper? We could place bets on this, make it fun. I went and talked to the professor I'm TAing for and told him what happened on Tuesday. He rolled his eyes. He was totally behind me, and today he's going to mention that maybe the students should at least attempt to do their work.

Meanwhile, I have my own work that I've been putting off. Well, not putting off, I'm just not good at trying to do 10 different things at once. I'm taking a German reading exam next week, so I've really been studying for that. As a Ph.D student I have to have two foreign languages. Obviously Russian is my first language and German will be my second. I'd also like to learn Yiddish, but that might take a while. Anyway, I ordered a new German dictionary and it came yesterday. It is beautiful (this is not sarcasm). I think I'm going to see if the same company has a Russian one too, and order it. My Russian dictionary is starting to fall apart. But, anyway, back to work. My professor suggested I read this one book for a paper I'm writing for him (that was due 2 years ago: glad he doesn't have the same late paper policy I have, although if he did, the paper would have been written a long time ago). This book is in old Russian. So, it's kind of like translating old Shakespeare, except in a foreign language. Can you envision the hours of fun this will take? But I'm going to do it, because I didn't spend all summer in Russia for nothing.

Finally, I know yesterday was half naked Thursday, and I did take a picture. Where did I put that? Oh, yeah, I e-mailed it to Wes. I guess you're just going to have to ask him for a copy of it.

Ok, ton of work to do. Does it even end? Have a great Friday, and drink one for me.

Furious

Today is the day I teach. I think that yesterday I wrote about the students who didn't show up to lecture. Well, today, it got a lot worse. In the first class (out of four), it became evident that of the two, rather short, readings we were supposed to do, only about half the class read the first and fewer than three read the second. The frusterating thing, the professor has said more than once that this week's readings are the most important for the entire semester. So, being a bit ticked, I gave them a speech about how they were wasting my time and I didn't appreciate that because I had things to do, and that I considered holding them until class was over but I didn't really want to. So I let them leave.

Second class. Again, about half read the first reading. We discussed that and how important it was and how they needed to read it. Also, I answered a few questions about lecture yesterday, but only because these were people who had been there. One student actually asked me what yesterday's lecture had to do with the readings. I responded we would discuss this as we discussed the readings. Eventually we got to the second reading. Only, NO ONE HAD READ IT. NO ONE. NOT A SINGLE PERSON. I was so pissed. I wanted to say, "You mother-f******, how dare you waste my time like this. What kind of s***** behavior is this? Don't you realize how many people would like to be in your position, getting an education, and you're just pissing it away. I should fail all of you f******. I am disgusted with you. Do you honestly expect me to just regurgitate this s*** for you. @!#$@%&*^&*^&******." Instead, since I wanted to keep my job, I said, very seriously, "Go home!" and walked out of the class before anyone could say anything. And I'm only giving the class half a grade for today. I was so mad. My friend Sean was amazed at how angry I was. I don't cuss much either, so you know I'm pissed. Next time it happens, I'm going to make the entire class read the crap out loud in class.

Anyway, I'm going to go have a drink because I'm still mad. I hope everyone else had a better day.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I finished reading The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger last night. Amazing. Beautiful. Haunting. Well worth the month and a half it took me to read it. Very original. Makes you question the concept of reality, time, love and the inevitability of the future. Made me question my past relationships and future ones as well. I would highly recommend it.

But. . . since it made me question stuff, Charley came up, of course. And also, since Wes was talking about him the other night, it made me dream about him. Charley. And Wes. For some reason, Charley and I were on the West coast and Wes on the East. And we were trying to get to Wes. Somehow, Charley ended up in my arms and I was holding him. Not wanting to hold him and yet feeling like this was what I wanted. Like he belonged there, only I wouldn't let him. And in the dream, I'm thinking, I want to get used to this again. And in the dream, I'm thinking, I love Wes. I love Wes. I love Wes. And then, Charley and I are on a bus. And I am in the seat in front of him. And we are driving through the desert. With mountains. The kind that are beautiful, but if you are alone, they only multiply your loneliness. And they made me long for Wes.

I love Wes and this relationship makes so much more sense than any I've ever been in before. But I love Charley. And since I love him, I should want what's best for him, which would be for him to get clean, but in reality, if that happened, I know I would wonder, "Why didn't you do that for me?". Now, now it would be too late. I would never leave Wes for Charley. How could I? Why would I? But I wish I didn't know anything about him. I wish I could forget him. I wish he could be something that happened a long time ago but fades away into something good but not quite real. Sometimes Wes thinks I should call Charley and hash it all out. But what would I say? I thought you loved me and yet you didn't do what you needed to do to keep me. I still love you but it's too late. Don't give up on yourself even though I did. I love Wes and now you and I will never be together. I guess, up until Wes, there was always that little hope in the back of my being, that somehow Charley and I would get back together. But now I'm not willing to give up any time with Wes to be with Charley. I honestly don't see a solution to the problem. Love sucks.

Beautiful Saturday

It was a beautiful day today. Or at least it looked like it from the 4th floor window of memorial library. I sat in the library for 4 hours. FOUR HOURS. On a wooden chair that was probably made in 19th century by someone who thought if he sat on highly uncomfortable chairs he would be more likely to go to heaven. And, I can't quite figure out how to get the music on my computer to play in a random mode. Not the end of the world, but still annoying. I did, however, get a ton of stuff done in those 4 hours. Apparently those uncomfortable wooden chairs greatly increase the speed of your reading ability. I have a paper topic, which is very exciting because this is a paper that was due 2 years ago. Yeah, you read that right. It's taken me two years to come up with a paper topic for a paper that will only be 20 pages long. Thank god I already have a dissertation topic.

Well, that's about the extent of my exciting weekend. Wes is paranoid because I won't give him my blog address. So last night I went through and read him the blogs that had to do with him (ok, not all of them) and I read him some of the ones I wrote about relationships. And he said some of them made him sad, because I wrote that I was scared and he promised me I didn't have to be anymore because he would always love me and take care of me. Which is good, because if he's lying Camille will kick his ass! But he still want the address. I don't want to give it to him, so he'll just have to keep looking.

On to Charley (yes, I know that wasn't a great transitional sentence). Wes said he received a voicemail from Charley. I think I already mentioned that. What Wes didn't tell me then was that this message totally creeped him out. He said it was like Charley had either smoked so much he had lost all sense of reality, or he was smoking harder stuff. He was kind of afraid to call him back. He said that since he told Charley we were together that the conversations have been getting weirder and weirder. He did call Charley back today, and said he sounded much more sane. But he said Charley mentioned me in the middle of nowhere and Wes couldn't figure out why. Something to the effect that if Wes talked to an old friend, not to mention me. Wes, caught off guard, just said "ok" and changed the subject. I told him Charley was just trying to figure out if we were still together. Wes thinks I'm right, but didn't think of that at the time. I feel sorry for Charley. Not in a "I wish I could make it all better" type of way, but in a "you dumbass, you did this to yourself, and you don't even realize it" type of way.

Ok, I want to go read for pleasure (no, not that kind of pleasure, I just mean non-academic reading). If my Saturday nights got any more exciting, I really don't know how I would handle it.

oh my gosh!!!!

So I'm sitting here doing homework and I realize that my feet are so cold that I cannot concentrate on my reading (yes, I'm going somewhere with this). I decide I have to go buy slippers because I don't own any and if I don't buy them NOW I will not be able to do anything productive today, tomorrow or ever. Well, at least until I buy slippers (don't hate me just because you're not intelligent enough to follow my internal logic. And YES, it is logic). I hadn't planned on going anywhere today, so I just threw on some clothes and brushed my teeth. My hair is doing really weird things, and I'm not wearing any make-up. I'm just going to Wal-mart for heaven's sake. Why do I need to look good? On the way to Wal-mart, the radio jolts me awake and I realize, Nine Inch Nails are in town today. And I'm going in public looking like absolute crap. Because, you know the first place Trent Reznor wants to go when he hits a new town is it's local Wal-mart (hey guys, I'm out of socks. We're going to Wal-mart!). Although, looking around Wal-mart, it probably would have been a really safe place for him: no one there would have known who he was, much less recognized him. Fortunately, I didn't run into Trent at Wal-mart. But it did make me think of all my Nine Inch Nails memories.

I was first introduced to NIN in 1991, sitting in Wes's car at lunch time. My favorite, at that time, was Terrible Lie, now, it's Down in It. Pretty Hate Machine quickly became my favorite CD ever. College years have many NIN memories, including the complaints from the people who lived below us EVERY SINGLE MORNING because we played his CD's too loudly. After my divorce, listening to NIN enabled me to get out my anger and feel more powerful and sexy. And I swear, Reptile was written for me, even if Trent doesn't know it. I don't own the new CD. I was going to buy it in Russia for $3.50, but because I really like NIN, I just didn't feel right buying a bootleg copy. And since I'm a poor graduate student, it's just going to have to wait awhile. But I will eventually buy it. So, Trent (because you know he's reading this somewhere), thank you for all the great music and all the wonderful memories. I hope you continue making music for a very long time.

And my new slippers rock!!!!

Here's the plan

The students are turning in papers next Friday. Ok, most of the students will probably be turning in papers next Friday (the ones who don't get an F: the paper was originally due on Oct. 7th and the professor kindly backed up the date). So, until then, I'm going to work on the paper that I still need to write. I figure this next week will give me enough time to have picked a topic and started writing. I won't be able to finish it in a week, but it will get me started enough that it will be finished before the end of the semester. I am very happy with this plan. I just really don't want to start it today, but I will.

Yesterday I told my advisor I was getting married. She was very excited for me and wants to see pictures ect. . . And we started talking about the financial aspect of things (grad school can be expensive) and I told her that that wasn't an issue anymore and that even when I finish, I really won't have to work unless I want to. She was very adamant that I still teach even if just at a community college. She said I am a natural teacher and I was born to teach and that it was kind of my responsibility to teach. She made me feel so good. She talked about how great my student evaluations are and how everyone I've TA'ed for will write me great references. Since I do love to teach, this is good news. And it was funny because I told her that while I enjoy research, I'm not a great writer. She said I do fine with the writing but my real talent is in the classroom.

Wes told me that he received a voicemail from Charley that sounded like he had been smoking for days. He said that a lot of Charley's conversations are actually sounding like he has smoked so much that he is losing his grip on reality. Quite possible and very sad. Glad I'm not there for that.

And the loop: Wes wants to have a baby. . . with me. Now, most of you know, I don't have even a little bit of desire to get pregnant and have a baby. It's like a parasitic alien growing in your body and then you have to push the thing out. Why would I want to do that? I told him him we would talk about it later. Like after I get back from my year long research trip to Russia. He says he just wants to see what a little Stacia would be like. Moody. Never leave her room except to go to the library (funny story: when I was 12 my parents grounded me FROM BOOKS! Yes, I was that big of a nerd that that was the only effective punishment. Except that I had hidden books under my mattress and would read after they went to bed). I just feel that my genes are defective enough that I don't want to pass them on to someone else (my grandma suffers from depression, one of my uncles suffers from depression, my mom suffers from depression, of the 10 grandkids, at least 5 of us have been diagnosed with some sort of depression or social anxiety. Do you see a pattern here?) But, when he mentioned it, I didn't feel upset or an absolute no. I felt very indifferent, so I guess that's a start in the right direction! It might end of being one of those things where if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't, it doesn't. We'll see. Since we live in two different states right now anyway, it doesn't really matter.

Ok, on to that paper.

Stress factors

I've been sick all weekend. Saturday I just thought it was allergies. Sunday, I had a tension headache and a sinus headache at the same time with some serious stomach issues (ok, they only felt serious). Monday, I went to class, came home from class and slept 2 hours. Both Sunday and Monday I was in bed before 9:00p. Yesterday I felt fine. So, I don't know what it was, but I'm not happy about any of it. Why am I not happy about it:

Today I'm meeting with my advisor. I need to update her on what I've done for my dissertation proposal. I've done. . . . . . . . .practically nothing. Yes, you read that right. It is already the middle of the semester and I've done less than a quarter of what I need to do. I was going to spend last weekend playing catch-up: then I got sick. Now, I'm just going to have to get used to getting less sleep. I have to be prepared for my pre-lims.

Yesterday, I taught. I also received an e-mail from a student that stated he wouldn't be able to come to class because he had a make-up exam for another class. Well, that explains why you weren't there yesterday, but what about the other 5 weeks? Yes, this student has NEVER attended class, so why he feels a need to try to excuse himself now, I don't know. Another students also sent me an e-mail stating he wouldn't be attending because he had a bad sinus infection. This is the second time he's missed because of a sinus infection. He also missed the first week, because he didn't realize we had class and then he missed last week because of Rosh Hoshanah. So, out of 6 weeks, he's attended twice and given me 4 weeks of excuses. What am I supposed to do with these students?

Ok, I need to start playing catch-up.
Stacia

My choice

This is the winner, as far as I'm concerned. That cut and color. It's understated, classy and I would look great in it. I know it doesn't scream "princess for a day" but that's not what I'm really looking for. Besides, after I marry Wes, I'll be treated like a princess every day. Let me know what you think.

Bridal hell

Everyone knows I've been looking at wedding dresses on-line, and while I've found plenty that were beautiful (if non-descript), there were a few that made me go huh? Here are a few.

Did you realize that the reception was more than you budgeted for? Are you running out to the nearest corner after the ceremony to help cover costs? (I did see a few that were worst, but couldn't find them again when looking).







Did a purple Kleenex box throw up on you? And yes, this was under wedding dresses, not brides maid's dresses.








This lovely number: what can I say? Did they feel it was too boring and so at the last minute, when they saw the cake decorator go by, grab him and ask him to fix up the dress?












And finally, this lovely number on the left. Even my military boyfriend thought the description of this dress was beyond tacky. The scary thing, it was described as being a best-seller. I'm praying that means they made two and sold both of them.





So, what does a very picky girl like myself see myself wearing. Stay tuned, and I'll show you my choices tomorrow.

Can't think of a title

Yesterday. Saturday's are homework days. Only, I'm not getting nearly enough done. It drives me crazy. I know I feel like this every semester, but before, I always had a few more semesters to worry about it. I don't this time. I'm finishing my classes in the spring, and the stuff I need to get done, I need to get now. So, less sleep it is.

Yesterday was also a bad day. Wes had called me Friday night and said he was going out with the other guys in officer school. No big deal. He told me he would call me when he got home. Not something I really wanted him to do, since I knew I would be asleep, but whatever. Well, I didn't get a call waking me up. And then I didn't get a call all day. And I was starting to freak out, because I thought he had done something wrong (another girl) and didn't want to call me because of that. Camille told me he had just probably drank too much and was still sleeping. Thankfully, Camille was right. But I was still pissed. Usually, I would just have given the silent treatment and then 3 weeks from now picked a totally unrelated, random fight and it would have been really bad. But that strategy always seems to back-fire on me, so I just yelled at him now. He had admitted that he deserved it, even before I yelled at him, so it wasn't like me yelling was going to start a fight. (I hate starting fights). So I yelled for about 3 sentences and that was that. I felt much better and then we had a normal conversation. He also said he expected me to be more mean, but it's not like what he did was horrible. He just made me worry. So from now on, this is how I will handle my anger.

I guess last night I mentioned my blog to Wes. He asked for the blog site. I told him no. I mean, this is my journal and if I knew he were reading it, it might not be so therapeutic. But then I yet back and read all my blog entries, from the very beginning, and I don't want him to see all that right now either. Maybe later. He argued that maybe it would help him understand me more, but there's other ways for him to figure me out. It was kind of fun seeing the evolution of my relationship with Wes. In one of my first blogs I put "not in a million years" regarding him. My, time flies.

Today is my day "off" from homework. So instead, I'm going to clean and get groceries and go to church and read the paper. I also have to finish the book I was reading yesterday for homework, but that should not take long: I'm in the last chapter. But I hope everyone's having a great weekend.

Stacia

Guilt

It's Friday, and I'd be more excited if I didn't have so much to do this weekend. Oh well. Eventually I will not be a graduate student and I'll have my weekends all to myself: and my husband: and my stepkids: and my own kids. Boy, I'm so excited and have so much to look forward to (yes, this is extreme sarcasm at this point.)

I love my office mates. Today, with the door wide open, we proceeded to talk about: tampons, cologne, sex and those naughty pictures of ourselves that our men have. This is really a typical conversation for us, and one of these days, one of our students is going to be in the hallway, where I'm sure they'll be able to hear everything because we're all loud when we get together. Boy, that will make explaining the alienation of the elite class in 19th century Russia a little uncomfortable.

My sister wants to be a bride's maid. I don't have a huge problem with this, except that I just really don't care. I already told Wes that we're going to piss a lot of people off, because, quite frankly, I don't care if anyone shows up, I don't want to pay for a big reception, and I'm not inviting anyone. A few special friends and family members will receive phone calls with the date and time and location, and everyone else will receive announcements after the fact. I don't care if I receive gifts, I don't care if you don't speak to me, I don't care that there won't be alcohol there (neither one of our families drinks). All I care about is that I get to marry Wes and be his wife. Yes, I want to look good, but honestly, I could show up in jeans and a t-shirt and he would think I looked beautiful. I do want my family there, but if they can't make it, I'm still getting married. So I'm sorry blog-land, but you're not receiving invites!!!

Today, after class, the student that was supposed to give a presentation on Tuesday came up and asked me if he could reschedule his presentation since he didn't make it on Tuesday. Aaaaa, no. It's Friday today. You couldn't have shot me an e-mail on Tuesday?

Well, that's about it. I should do some homework, but instead I think I'm going to pour myself a run and coke.

Stacia

Letter to Wes

I've been sitting at home all morning, doing homework, and thinking about how much I miss you. I wish that when you get out of school, that you would be able to come home to me and we could have dinner together and cuddle on the couch and talk and just be together. I miss you so much and I can't wait until we're able to actually be physically together every day. When we first starting dating, people would ask me if I could imagine my life without you, and I had imagined my life alone so long and often that I could. But now, I can't really think about my future without you. I know I could do it, but I don't want to. I want you to be with me no matter happens: the good times, the bad times, and all the boring, normal times in between. I love you so much and I'm so glad you had the guts to tell me how you felt about me. Thank you for loving me and taking such good care of me. I feel so lucky and I hope that I never make you doubt your decision to love me.

Sections suck

Today I had to teach. I was still tired from my weekend. Yesterday I came home and slept for two hours after lunch. I'm having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. Today, we read Pushkin's Eugene Onegin and Woe for Wit (not Pushkin, but I don't remember who wrote it). These are both great (ok, good) pieces of Russian literature, but I'm teaching history. Needless to say, it was a very difficult day. It was very hard to relate these two works to what we've been discussing in lecture. And to top it off, one of the students, who was supposed to present TODAY didn't show up. And he didn't even e-mail me to let me know he wouldn't be there. Now, I know he's Jewish and I know that it's Rosh Hashanah (happy New Year's to my Jewish readers), but he should have e-mailed me. I can't work with him after the fact. And I don't think he was at service anyway, because I saw him walk by 20 minutes into class. He just never joined us. Anyway, my last section only lasted 20 minutes and I gave up and sent them home.

I guess that's it. I just needed to vent. I have a ton of homework, but I doubt I'll do any of it tonight.