Farmer's Market Day

I'm so excited it's Saturday!!!!! I love the Farmer's Market. It is my absolutely favorite thing about living in Madison. Today, Wes and I are going to go. And it's sunny out. It will be a good day today.

This week is actually turning out really well. There was that rocky start, but it has smoothed out considerably since then. Wes and I are having a really good time together and we are comfortable with each other. We've done almost everything there is to do around town, and we've gone shopping a couple of times. Yesterday he bought me a new outfit and a digital camera. He said I really needed one for my trip to Russia. We kind of argued about that one for a while. My mama taught me never to accept expensive gifts from men you weren't really in a relationship with, but Wes argued that it was just my Christmas present, for the last 15 years. I was teasing him about being my sugar daddy, but he said that really wasn't the position he wanted. At least permanently. We've had some really good conversations, but I'll write about those later. Camille, I think this is going to be ok. I'll call you next week.

ok, I need to get ready for the Farmer's Market. I've also noticed a lot of people are beautifying their blogs. I don't have time for that now, but maybe when I get back. I'd like to put some links on here.

Everyone have a great Memorial Day weekend, and please take at least a moment to acknowledge and thank those men and women who bravely and dutifully died defending our rights and freedoms. And if you know someone who is still in the service, let them know how much you appreciate them.

Stacia

Vacation saga #2

Wes is here this week. I went and picked him up in my red dress. I looked absolutely fantastic. The reception went well. Wes definitely enjoys people in a way I don't. But it went well. Sunday we went to campus and walked up the shopping district. He bought me a very pretty sundress. We also got icecream, and generally just enjoyed the day. I made him watch Napoleon Dynamite and he now thinks I have a very strange sense of humor (I do). We also watched Sean of the Dead. Hilarious.

Monday, we went to a bookstore and the mall. Then, he decided we should go out and drink. So, I called a few of my friends and we went out. In hindsight, not the best idea. We both got hammered and things went a little bit too far. He didn't even remember what happened the next day (it took a full day for both of us to recuperate). All of a sudden his eyes got real big and he looked at me. And apologized profusely. He also said his punishment was the fact that he didn't really remember what had happened, but just knew something had. I was a little pissed at that point, but he really did make up for it. He told me he hadn't expected that at all. That before he got here he would have been happy with just cuddling and some kissing. And he didn't suggest we do it again, and he hasn't tried. We've also had some really good conversations. And we do get along rather well. Today we're going to go to the zoo, and tonight we're going to see episode 3. Tomorrow, the capital building and the museum. Friday, the biggest brat fest in the world. Saturday, the farmer's market and an organ concert and Sunday he goes home.

So, that's about it for now. I'll update again when he leaves.

Stacia says "moo"

I just got back from my "vacation" and now I need to sleep for a week. Only Wes is coming tomorrow. My vacation was really great, but there were so many people there, and I feel like I spent all my time taking care of my nephew (which was fun) or helping Grandma keep the house clean (which was not fun because I think I was the only one (out of 10) doing this). Phoenix and I went for at least 2 walks a day. I would kill for half of his energy and half of his nap time! He can say many words, but not my name. He did know who I was though, and if you asked him where I was, he would come pat me. He also knows all his animal sounds and Grandma was asking him all of them, and then asked "what sound does Stacia make," hence the title of this blog. He is sooooo cute! My brother looks great too! He finally shaved his head (he had long hair and is definitely going bald). I have a huge headache right now, but I should be cleaning the house.

Wes is coming tomorrow and I guess I already did all the freaking out. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow and then picking him up from the airport and then going to the reception. I'm wearing a very sexy red dress. I just tried it on, and it is even sexier than I remembered. I guess we'll find out right away if Wes is a gentleman. If he's not, he can turn around and get back on the plane!

ok, I'm exhausted and I think I'm going to relax a bit before trying to get some sleep (in a bed where my sister isn't sleeping and waking me up because she can't sleep).

And the winner is. . . .

It is finished. My papers are turned in. The finals are graded. Semester grades have been tallied. I am currently getting ready for the lovely (and long) 8 hour drive to my grandparents, thrilled beyond belief that it is raining and cold all the way there. Such perfect driving weather. But it is my vacation, and I am going to enjoy it. I won't be updating for a week though, so don't miss me too much.

So, the absolute winner for the dumbest things written on the final exams:

Tolstoy and Gogol were "realist" because they were able to accurately describe the negative aspects of Soviet society.

closely followed by:

Orthodoxy played a much more important role in Russia than in any other European country.

And no, I'm not going to explain why these are hilarious. If you want to know, you can look it up. That is your assignment for the next week.

Stacia

Questions from you

The deal:1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

So here are Beth's questions for me.

1) Is there any person, people, or cause that you would not hesitate to give your life for? What is it and why?

The first person I thought of was Camille. Camille has been my best friend since we were 13 and we've been through some really hard times together. And of course, my family too.

2) Where were you when you first heard about 9-11? In what ways were you affected?

I had just recently moved to Madison and I was in training for my new job. They came in a announced it before anyone really knew what was going on. I called home and found out that both my dad and brother had been sent home from work because they worked in downtown Dallas. I don't know anyone who was killed or injured, but my uncle is a minister in the reserves and he had to formally contact several families of those killed in the Pentagon. I just remember thinking how hard that had to have been.

3) What literary character do you most identify with and why?

That would have to be Dolgoruky in Dostoevsky's The Adolescent. The book is about this young man who thinks he is an adult, mature, intelligent and better than everyone else. The book goes through a period of time when he finds out he's not really an adult, he's not mature, he doesn't know anything and that he isn't better, morally or intellectually, than anyone else. And only once he realizes this can be become an adult. I just really related to the character and the process of "becoming an adult" and confident in who I am.

4) When was the last time you laughed so hard your sides hurt and you could hardly breathe? Who were you with, and what were you laughing about?

It was probably Camille and it was probably Christmas time and it was probably about something stupid. Although, I've laughed pretty hard lately with my friend Sarah. We've been laughing about school (she's another graduate student), students (she also TA's) and sex (we both need it).

5) What is love? What is hate?

To me love is not a romantic feeling. It has nothing to do with flowers or cards, or warm fuzzies. And it really doesn't have anything to do with sex. For me love is what my grandparents have. My grandfather was hit by shrapnel in WWII and is pretty much in constant pain. (The doctors actually only gave him 5 years to live, said he would never walk again and never have kids: boy, they were wrong on all counts). But my grandma takes such good care of him. He is grumpy and can be mean (he's in pain!), but she loves him and takes care of ALL his needs, and they aren't all exactly pleasant. To me, that is love.

Hate, wow, that's a hard one. There's two types for me. The type where you feel so passionately about something that it can turn into hate (think ex-boyfriend type of passion where you're mad at yourself because you can't get him out of your head or heart) and then there's the situation where someone has done something so bad to someone you love that you want to take a baseball bat to their head (think of the man who molested my brother when he was 16).

ok, I have a hair appointment, but this was fun! Made me think about myself in new ways.

Papers, papers, sex

If I spend all this time writing these papers, I think I deserve a good reward afterwards, like sex! So I've thought about the whole situation and talked to my best friend Camille, because she knows me better than anyone and I've decided, I'm just going to see what happens with all the situations and enjoy the ride. I'm still slightly irritated with Wes. Why did he have to bring up the possibility of us having a committed relationship together about 4 years before that's actually a possibility? Did he really expect me to just sit around and wait while he went out and did his thing? So, since we don't have a commitment and we've both made it very clear that we don't have a commitment, I refuse to feel guilty for any of my thoughts or actions with other men. And, Wes is not getting any when he is here next week. I just don't feel comfortable with that.

So, what's the best way to ask an acquaintance if he'd like to get it on?

The next week is going to be very hectic, and then I leave Friday to visit family. Before then, I have to finish writing 2 twenty page papers. At this point, I have 17 crappy pages for one, and 12 pretty good pages for the other. Tomorrow morning, at 7:45am my students take their final exams, and then I have 3 days to grade about 40 finals, while I'm trying to finish my papers. Then I drive 8 hours to visit family. I come back on the 20th, Wes flies in on the 21st and leaves on the 29th and I leave for Russia on June 7th. Ok, the next month is going to be hectic. Please send lot's of energy vibes my way!

Am I evil?

Ok, so the last post was about the beautiful flowers Wes sent me and how sweet and great that was. This post is about this guy I know here in Madison I want to nail. Does that make me evil? I actually wrote about him back in March, but the situation seemed hopeless at the time. Things have changed. Although, it wouldn't be a relationship, at least not the type Wes wants with me. This other guy is a colleague, but due to situations is leaving at the end of the summer. There's definately an attraction there but it would be a totally casual thing. I'm not going to have sex with Wes, because it's a long distance thing, and I know he's still having sex with other people. It would be too difficult for me to be in an open "committed relationship." So, what do I do? This other guy knows about Wes. Wes doesn't know about anything. Like I told a friend last night, "If Wes can't keep his dick in his pants, why should I keep other people's dicks out of mine?"

A little help here!

Roses

Today, when I came home from school, there were a dozen yellow roses waiting for me with a card. "Thought you might like something pretty (other than you) around the house while you study. See you soon, Wes." They are so beautiful. Now, I'm not a highly romantic person, and I'm not the type of girl who expects flowers, and Wes knows that. So I guess that makes them even more special, because, not only is it not my birthday or Valentines day, but I would have been perfectly happy with Wes even if he hadn't sent flowers. Now I really can't wait to see him!

It's not a dream

Wes called at 11:00p last night, apologizing because he knows I'm in bed asleep, but he needs to confirm his flight times with me before he buys. So after I confirm, he buys the plane tickets while we're on the phone. And he e-mails me the itinerary. HE'S REALLY COMING! I'm so excited and nervous and scared and excited and, and, and. And so is he! He's very nervous and scared and excited too. Which I think is a good thing, because I know he doesn't think he's just showing up to get some (which he isn't getting anyway). He didn't want to tell me how he felt about the situation because he was afraid it would freak me out and change the way I acted towards him, but he said we would talk about it while he is here. You know, feelings. But beyond the serious stuff, we are going to have so much fun. This gives me some incentive to keep the house clean and get my papers written.

Yesterday started out pretty good. I found five dollars at the gym. And as a poor student I felt bad, but how are you going to figure out which poor student lost five dollars? So I'm five dollars richer.

But then, last night, I got hit with one of the worst migraines I have ever had. I got those little spangly things in front of my eyes, so I took Tylenol immediately, and that usually heads off the worst of it. Not last night. Last night, I couldn't even see anything for more than 2 hours. During and for many hours after that, intense pain. Which means, I didn't get any homework done, because how are you going to read and write in that condition? Which sucks. So, I will be busy, busy, busy until next Thursday, when I would like to be done. I guess I should go get started.

What I'm missing

I just got off the phone with my mom. I guess they celebrated Mom's day yesterday since someone is going to be out of town for the next 3 weeks. So there were my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, my grandmere, my aunt and uncle and of course, my brother and nephew. Everyone was playing with Phoenix, because he is cute. When my mom went to put him to bed, he had his little stuffed bunny with him. She said he was a little wound up, because everyone had been playing with him, and he was just talking away to his bunny (ok, he is not even 2 yet, so while he can say certain words, he isn't exactly coherent). When he was through "telling" the bunny about his day, mom said he gave a big sigh, hugged the bunny, rolled over and went immediately to sleep. She said it was so cute. And I'm missing it. I get to see them in 2 weeks. For a whole 5 days. That's it, five days to hold me over until Christmas. And then it probably won't be until summer again. And then Christmas. This sucks. Of course, when he's three, maybe it'll be a good thing I won't see him that much. I just hate being so far away from my family sometimes. Other times, it's the greatest thing in the world!

I got so much done yesterday. A ton of homework. And I cleaned the house. It was a great day. But I didn't manage to hold until the momentum today. oh well, you have to take a break sometimes. I'm getting the important but small stuff off my to do list today. One of which, is taking my vaccination pills for typhoid. Now, this is a live vaccination and some of the side effects are quite unpleasant (along the lines of what typhoid does). So far, so good. Let's hope it stays that way.

ok, I guess I should get some homework done. This was a great weekend. Hope I feel that way about the rest of the week. Only two more weeks in the semester. That's very scary. Gotta get started/finished with those papers.

Federal money

Let's hear it for the Feds!!!!! Even with all these tax cuts, they still have enough money to give me $6500 for a Russian language program this summer, and now, they're offering to pay for my flight too (up to $1000). Now, I'm sure this will piss some people off, I mean really, why should the government care if anyone in the USA knows anything at all about any other language, culture, country, government, religion, ect. than "our" own. (Just for those of you who don't know me, that was a highly sarcastic remark) Of course, I'm sure that somewhere in the fine print it states that I have to listen to a recruitment lecture for the State department, CIA and FBI. But I think it would be worth it. My dad actually wants me to work for the government, but he doesn't want me to do field word (or kill anybody), and if I can't kill anybody, I don't think working for the government would be worth it! (That actually isn't a sarcastic remark: if I'm going to sell my soul, I want to be able to get away with murder).

So, today, I'm actually in a good mood, even though I'm tired, my apartment is a disaster area (I'm hoping the mayor will officially declare it so I can get some more fed money to clean it up), I have two papers to write this weekend, and laundry to do. But in two weeks, it will all be over. At least for this semester.

Some students are morons!

Now, not all of them, mind you. Just the one who copied full paragraphs from the internet for his paper and didn't footnote. And worse yet, left in the footnote numbers in the paragraph, which led to . . . nothing, because he didn't footnote. And he wants to know how we caught that? Yeah, after 10 years of college I'm not intelligent enough to figure that one out. I may be 31, but I know how to google. I tried doing a drag net and told the entire class that more than one person had cheated and they should contact the professor asap to avoid expulsion, but no one else bit. Oh well, I guess one is good enough.

My paper update: I e-mailed everyone 11 pages of paper and 2 pages of bibliography for my presentation on Thurs. It's a 15-20 page paper, so technically, I'm already done with half of it. That actually makes me feel really, really good. For the other paper, I'll be through reading for that this weekend, and then have 2 weeks to write that 20 page paper. I actually feel like everything is under control. For once. We'll see how long that lasts.

I finally managed to get my HIV test done yesterday. I'm picking up my results tomorrow and then fed-exing everything to DC. They have to have it by the 2nd. I still haven't found anyone to sublet my place yet. Any takers?

have a great day, and if you're in the upper midwest like I am, stay warm!

Yuck, yuck, yuck!!!!!!

I dreamt about my ex-husband last night. Which is weird, because I normally only dream about him when I'm in a relationship that I shouldn't be. The situation is almost always the same: we're back together, even though I don't really want to be, and then I realize I just can't do it and I leave. This dream was very different. First, he was wearing a hideous black toupee (yes, my ex was bald). Then, in the dream, he wanted to be with me, but failed to mention the fact to his mom and his girlfriend. So, at least in this dream, I didn't feeling guilty about ending the relationship. Is it a warning against Wes? What does it mean?

I finally finished grading those crappy papers. I ended up with such a bad allergy headache last night that it kind of went like this: this is a B paper but I really don't have the energy to explain why to the student: AB. So, it kind of worked out for the students. I still only have 7 unorganized pages for my presentation this week. I guess I know what I'll be doing tonight. Also, I have got to clean my apartment. It's disgusting and I'm sure it's adding to my allergies. Therefore, I will clean a room everyday this week until I don't feel dirty being here.

hope everyone has a great week,
Stacia

Take them away!

My allergies are killing me. I can't breathe and my head feels like it weighs 20lbs, and it hurts. It makes it very hard to focus my eyes, and thus, to read. That would be fine, except it's the end of the semester and I have to write two papers and grade 40 papers. (ok, I already graded 30 of them). Still, all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep until I feel better.

And I want banana pudding. If you take a regular yellow cake mix, and replace one of the eggs with a banana, and increase the water by 1/4 c. It tastes so good. Crumble half the cake on the bottom of the cake pan. Cover with cut up bananas, and then spread banana pudding over that (2 boxes worth), then crumble the rest of the cake over the pudding. . . . I'm now drooling like Homer Simpson. I'm going to have to go to the store.

I figured out what I want with Wes. Ok, maybe not Wes specifically, but what I want in a relationship. I want intimacy. Now don't laugh. Yes, I'm 31 years old, but closeness was never something I wanted with a guy before. I guess it was that whole, I'm self-sufficient and I don't really need anyone type of thing. And I'm still self-sufficient, I've just realized you can be self-sufficient and still be intimate with someone. Who knew? So with Wes. I want hand-holding and cuddling and maybe some kissing, but no sex. I want to actually enjoy all the in between stages, and get to know him and let us happen slowly. I don't know exactly what he wants. I'm just going to wait and see. He is a gentleman though, so I do know he's not coming to visit me because he expects us to have sex. Which is good, because then he would be sleeping outside!

anyway, I'm going to go take some allergy medicine, go to the store, and then work on my papers. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Stacia

Modern something or other

Blah. . . . It's just been one of those weeks. Frustrating, long, short, confusing. You name it, I think I felt it this week. Except a huge amount of rage. I don't have enough energy for that.

Three more weeks of school. Two papers to write. And 30 more papers to grade this weekend. They're short papers, but boy are they bad. Now I know why an essay section was added to the SAT. Should you really have to tell college students that the United States is always capitalized? Should you have to tell them that thesis sentences are an essential part of the paper? Should you have to tell them that if it's a 4 page paper, they should only write about 1 point, not 4? Should you have to tell them that a book report is not an analytical essay? Should you have to tell them that lead (pronounced led) is a noun, not a verb? What fun and joy.

and then I have two papers I need to write. I have to present a very rough draft/outline of my one paper next week, so that's what I've been working on this weekend. The total paper needs to be between 15 and 25 pages. I typed up 3 pages yesterday and hope for another 3 today. Hopefully by Tuesday, when I have to e-mail it to everyone, I'll have 10 pretty good pages. Then I'll have 2 weeks to finish the paper, which includes translating about 600 pages of Russian history, written in the Russian language. Who wants to join me?

And finally, Wes. I'm excited and nervous and can't wait to see him and don't want to see him. I'm afraid that this is a turning point and that some hard decisions will have to be made. And I'm just not good at relationship decisions, especially hard ones. I'm just going to try to focus on how much fun it will be to see an old friend and hang out with him and show him this beautiful town. I'll let everything else happen naturally.

back to the papers,
Stacia

Voodoo doll

That's what I feel like. I went to get my HIV test and immunization shots done today. Unfortunately, they had me scheduled for two TB tests and not one TB test and a HIV test (who didn't catch that?). So, I got the TB test (shot one), a Tetanus vaccination (shot two), a hepatitis A vaccination (shot three) and a hepatitis B vaccination (shot four) and then because my immunization records weren't up to date, they weren't sure if I needed a measles shot. Instead of just giving it to me, they took two vials of blood to test it. A total of five stabs with a needle and no beautiful jewelry to make up for it! And I still have to get my HIV test. It was a stressful way to start the day.

However, because I was a little upset about the HIV thing (if I don't get the results to DC before May 2nd it may delay my trip), I e-mailed Wes and he called me as soon as he got off from work to cheer me up. And he's coming to see me. I'm excited and nervous and excited and scared and terrified. This visit will tell us if we are right together or if we should stay just friends. That makes me nervous. If it's a good visit, it will make it that much harder because it is a long distance thing and will be for a long time. If it sucks (which I don't think it will), then at least I know we'll still be friends.

It was a beautiful day today. I took a little break and walked around campus taking pictures of all the beautiful flowers. I also got a few pictures of ducks, because apparently, my nephew loves ducks. I hope the pictures hold me over until the end of the semester. I have to write two papers (15-20 pages each) and grade about 40 papers (4 pages each). I should start freaking out at any time, but maybe I'll just have another beer.

ok, I'm going to relax tonight and curl up on the couch and have a beer and eat cookies.
Stacia

Sunday stroll

It is a beautiful day. The type of day that is wasted indoors, working on homework. However, I don't really have a choice, so instead of goofing off the whole day, or wasting the whole day indoors, I took a walk. It is spring here in Madison and everything is sprouting green and colorful flowers and the birds are back in full force. The kind of day you wish you had a hand to hold and laugh with, but even if you don't, it's so beautiful that you're just happy to be here. And now, I suppose, back to the homework.

I've been trying to get all my stuff ready for my trip to Russia. It's a little frustrating. I have to have black and white, matte passport photos. Nobody does these. Even if I could get black and white, no photographer does matte. So I'm waiting for a reply from the program to see if my friend can take a picture of me with his digital camera and crop it in photoshop. I don't know why not, but hey, those Russians can be weird. Then I have to figure out this funding thing. And just getting applications in where they need to be when they need to be there. I'm getting my vaccinations on Tuesday, along with my AIDS/HIV test (yes, Russia requires that). Since I haven't had sex for a year and a half and have had a HIV test since then, I'm not too worried about that. It's just the vaccinations. I'm not afraid of needles (15 total piercings), but I'm afraid of the hepatitis B vaccination (no, I've never gotten it). It's a really big needle and its a series of three. Who thought of that?

Well, Wes is coming to see me in May. I'm excited and terrified. Much of the same emotions I had about spending the summer in Russia. He'll be here almost a week. I know we'll find plenty of stuff to do (and I don't mean that!). I'm just kind of scared to see where this leads the "relationship." Although, it could be very good for me.

alright, back to that pesky homework,
too bad I can't translate Russian stuff on the back porch,
I guess that's why I'm going to Russia this summer,
Stacia

Happiness is a house sparrow

I love birds. And I have three giant bushes outside my livingroom window. Right now there's a house sparrow that comes and sings to me every morning. They aren't really all that pretty, as far as birds go, but they sure sing pretty. And loud. I always get excited when I hear him, and I tend to leave my homework just to watch this small, non-descript bird sing. It makes me happy. Last year, a cardinal nested in the bushes and laid two eggs. She would let me get really close, as long as I didn't try to touch. I went on vacation before the eggs hatched, and when I came back, they were gone. All of them, the eggs and bird. And the nest had been damaged. That really upset me. But I hope they come back this year, fix the next and try again. Of course, I won't be here for most of the summer, but still, it would be nice. For the birds. The crows look different in Russia. They have light colored chests. I don't recall seeing any other birds, except pigeons: those things are everywhere. I'll have to look this summer to see what the other Russian birds look like.

I got my funding. And I'm hoping I can actually stay with my friend in Moscow. I'm getting very excited about this trip, which makes it very hard to concentrate on the two papers I have to write this semester. The ones I should be working on now. I'll get to them sometime. Probably this weekend.

I saw my advisor today and gave her a very brief outline of my dissertation proposal and what I wanted to study/prove. She thought it was great! That made me very happy. And it's an area that hasn't really been studied much. That makes it good (original) but also more difficult to study, because I literally have to start from scratch. She wants me to try to make it to the library in Moscow a couple times a week to do some preliminary research. And maybe even swing by a couple of state archives and introduce myself to the archivists and stuff. All that crap helps when I apply for research funding, which I will start to do the second I get back from Moscow. But now I have to take my 1 page outline and figure out how to expand it to a 15 page proposal. That's a lot of fluff.

Well, I suppose I should work on my papers a bit before bed.
Stacia

Peter Pan, Neverland, and Charlie

I just saw Finding Neverland. It was incredible. And it had Johnny Depp, so really, even if it wasn't good (and let me reiterate, it was a great movie) who would complain. So, since the movie was about Peter Pan, it made me think of someone who tried his best not to grow up.

Charlie: probably the most emotional, passionate, incredible and ultimately disappointing, love of my life. Amazing how things look the older one gets. I haven't dated in 5 years because I've had such a hard time getting over him. And what does it take to get over him: time, him, popping up every now and then, and proving he hasn't changed, and, his former best friend. Real life is the best revenge. So, in highschool, I was massively in love with this guy, Wes. All the girls were. But we never dated, we were just really good friends. And then he enlisted. So, I spent as much time as possible with him. At the beginning, I kind of hoped we'd hook up. Then I met his best friend Charlie, and totally forgot about Wes. Charlie and I dated for a while, and he was always insecure about Wes. We eventually broke up and lost track of one another. But not Wes and I. We remained friends.

Fast forward a few years. I'm recently divorced and I look Charlie up. I have good reason. Wes is coming for a visit and we need a place for the party. Charlie and I hook up immediately. Beyond chemistry. And he's still insecure about Wes, even though Wes is now married with two kids. After about a year, things fall apart with Charlie. Apparently he is upset because I didn't give him a huge shout out at my MA graduation, and that really hurt his feelings. So he dumped me. Wes and I are still friends, but now Charlie refuses to talk to Wes because Wes reminds him of me. Oh, Charlie keeps trying to get me back, but after he dumped me, I realized I could do so much better.

Fast forward a few more years. Wes is now single, and he has decided we should be together. But, as I've mentioned before, he's a player and that concerns me. And since he was Charlie's best friend, I was concerned about their similarities. But every time I talk to Wes, he reminds me that he's not Peter Pan and he never wanted to be Peter Pan. And after I talk to him, I get that goofy grin on my face, and it stays there for hours. Last night, he kept telling me how he can't wait to call me Doctor Trapeznikova, and how impressed he is that I'm getting my PhD. When I was with Charlie, he kept talking about me being Doctor Jordan (his last name), because it made him look so good. I told Wes this, and he wanted to know what Charlie ever did to help me earn my degrees. Honestly, he sat on the couch, made love to Mary Jane, and wanted to know when dinner was going to be ready. Oh, and could he borrow some money to pay the bills. So, Charlie, put this in your pipe and smoke it: your worst fears are coming true. Wes appreciates me, and he realizes how hard I'VE worked to get where I am and how much harder I'M going to work to get even further. And he doesn't just say he's supportive, he really is. And he doesn't have to take credit for my achievements because he has his own.

I never, in a million years expected it to be Wes. After highschool, even when we were friends all those years, it never dawned on me that it might be him. And it will be at least 3 years before we will even be able to try to live in the same place and maybe have a real relationship, but that doesn't really worry me. I know Wes will be there: he's always been there. I just didn't realize it. It doesn't scare me to feel this way anymore. It feels real.

Stacia

ochen kracivyi den'

Most beautiful day. Yesterday, the weather was beyond beautiful. It was sunny and warm, a little windy, but gorgeous. I sat on a warm bench and ate a green apple and just people watched. For almost five minutes. It was amazing! No homework, no reading, no thinking: just the sun.

Then, I came home and had a huge envelope in my mailbox. I'm going to Russia this summer! Ok, I still haven't found out if I got funding, but I'm pretty sure I did. I'm so excited and scared and excited! I had a hard time sleeping last night. All I can think of is going over there, seeing my friends, making new friends, seeing new places, having new experiences, doing new things, trying new food, learning new things, traveling in trains and the metro (love them both), shopping, eating, laughing. It's going to be wonderful. I can't wait!

So, does anyone want to summer in Madison, in a nice, furnished one bedroom apartment?

Stacia

Baseball bat to the head

I had a great aunt who was in a very sever car wreck. It was during a blizzard and the paramedic were on the scene for two hours before they even realized she was in the backseat. The two people in the front seat died. But my aunt lived. She had extensive brain damage. Due to the fact that they lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere, she didn't really get the treatment she should have. She was placed in a nursing home in the nearest town (the town they lived in was too small to have a nursing home), and my uncle visited her everyday for 8 years, until she died of pneumonia. Some days she recognized people and had clear, coherent conversations with them, asking them questions and responding to theirs. Other days, she was in a vegetative state. (Leads all of us to believe if they'd moved her to a much larger area with better treatment she would have largely recovered: she was not hooked up to anything). The day my grandma and I visited, she was vegetative. When we left, my grandma asked me to promise her that if she ended up in a vegetative state I would take a baseball bat to her head and put her out of her misery.

I love my grandma more than my own life. I don't care that she's 76 years old (she's had several relatives live to be older than 100 and they were completely physically and mentally healthy), if I had to, I would give my life so that she could live. If I had to choose between my mom and my grandma, I don't even know if I could do that. But, what I'm trying to say, is that I could never hit my grandma in the head with a baseball bat. My grandma's mom died of Alzheimer's and she's said repeatedly that she wouldn't want to live like that. My grandma won't get Alzheimer's: for some reason in our family it skips every other generation: which means my mom might get it. But, if my grandma ever ended up vegetative, hooked up to stuff somewhere, would the rest of the family listen to me? Steve would have to know her opinion: he lives in the same town and sees them all the time. Janice visits a lot, so I'm sure she's heard it too. I told my mom what grandma said. But when it's your loved one. . . . I had a friend whose dad died of cancer. She said that the last couple of months, the family fought over treatment and what would happen. They decided to give him medication to make him live longer, even though he was in pain, largely unconscious, and going to die anyway. She said looking back on it, she wishes they had just let him go.

If I end up brain dead I don't want to be hooked up to some machine to keep me alive. Disclose to the doctors that I once had ITP and let them decide if I can still be an organ donor and then let me go. I'm a Christian and I believe I will end up in a better place, so why hold me here. No matter what, I've had a good life and in the grand scheme of things, these couple of years on earth don't mean much anyway. Pull the plug, and then read to me: read me Psalms 100, 150 and 24. Read me John 14 (the verses mom want me to read at her funeral). Read me Daniel 3. And sing Christmas carols. And tell stories. Tell the story about how I embarrassed you in AZ and called myself a bozo head. Tell the story of teaching me to ride bike, when I ran into you. Tell the story about when Craig was sleepwalking and screaming: Stacia, quit hitting me! Elise, remind me of all the museums we've been to. And laugh. Lot's of laughter. It's a celebration of what was once real and alive: not a mourning of what has occurred. And remember, you'll see me again. Wrap me in the quilt grandma made for my birth, put me in a simple pine box, and bury in Lake Benton, next to grandma and grandpa. And let me rest in peace.

Stacia

Whistling Dixie

It's coming towards the end of the semester. Stuff to read, papers to write, papers to grade, leading classes. Stressful. And also the time of semester where I'm just tired. Physically, emotionally, intellectually tired. And yet, have a ton of pent up aggression. I just don't want to use it to do homework. It doesn't help that the weather is starting to get nice. When it's pretty, and warm, no one has any desire to hang out in the library. Pre-lims start on Monday for several of my friends. That means they'll be really, really stressed out. And next year, I lose my good friend, because she'll be doing research in Germany. And I take my pre-lims next year. That's going to be hard. I have to make more friends so I don't feel like I'm doing it alone.

I ran into my former student again. She seemed very happy to see me and suggested we go out again. Now, she's said several things that lead me to believe that she may be interested in me, but she knows that I prefer men. I did go through an experimental phase in college, but who didn't. But she is cute. My friend mentioned that this was a more confusing situation because when it's a guy, they do all the asking. But, I've always been the one who asked the guy out, so that doesn't apply here. I'm just going to sit back and see what happens. I'm honestly not sure what I want to happen.

Stacia

Not in my league!

I should probably start this blog by stating that if you struggle with your weight, you might not want to read this! I just realized the other day I have to get into shape and look really, really hot by May 21st. What's on May 21st, you ask. Well, some people I know are getting married. No, I don't particularly like them. Matter of fact, I think she's a bitch and he's a prick. So, why in the world am I going to the wedding. Well, for one thing, if all of us who didn't like them didn't go, no one would be there, but also because I have to show up looking better than the bride. Now my friend Marie informs me I could roll out of bed and show up and look better than the bride, but I want to look really good. Now, this may seem petty and make me look like a total bitch, but I DON'T CARE! Why? Because she thinks we're in the same league and we aren't even close. She thinks she's as good looking as me (she looks like a fraggle, or the scientist on the muppets), she's thinks she as intelligent as me (very few people actually fall into that category!), and she thinks her personality is as delightful as mine (whatever, bitch!). This irritates me to no end, because none of it is true. Even remotely. I just saw her and it looked like she took a weed-whacker to her hair, and then dumped easter egg dye on it. And, to top it all off, they spelled my name wrong on the invitation. I worked at the same place as them for a year and a half, and I still volunteer there. They could have easily gotten the correct spelling. Or, they could have just looked at the e-mail I sent them with my address. How hard would that have been? So, anyway, I have to look good, and I've realized that my body weight is shifting. I am heavier than I've ever been (117 lbs) but still, I don't know where all this extra skin around my middle is coming from. But that would explain why my boobs are getting smaller. And no, they aren't sagging. (I still don't wear a bra half the time; I think you need "real" boobs to do that). And I have been swimming, but I think I need to add a few sit-ups and some arm exercises (it's a sleaveless dress). I want to look so good that she cries. Yes, I am petty. Get over it!

Meanwhile, the running joke is that I only fall for a guy if he 1) lives out of this state/country, 2) has a girlfriend, 3) is gay, or any combination of the three. Yes, I have once again developed a crush on someone who is not available, if only because he doesn't live in this country, and has a girlfriend back home. At least this one is intelligent though. So, in one way, my taste is getting better.

Finally, I would really recommend the new Tori Amos CD. It is beautiful. I also saw the movie Ghost World last night, and if you haven't seen it, you should.

Alright, it's the end of spring break and I should finish up that last bit of homework. (who am I kidding: I'm going to go color my hair).

Stacia

The birds are back!

I saw a whole flock of robins yesterday. And today, when walking through campus, I realized the bushes were singing again. Ok, I know it's really the birds in the bushes, but you can't always see the birds. I love birds. I love hearing them sing. And it's nice to know they're back. Now if it would only get warm!

Spring break has been less than exciting. I've spent lots of time at the library and I decided today that I can't do it tomorrow. I should: I have a ton of stuff to do, but I just can't do it. Instead, I'll finish cleaning my apartment and I do have a ton of reading I must do. Yes, it's still not fun, but at least I won't have to get dressed.

That is about it,
Stacia

Warning: Parental Discretion Strongly Advised

And I don't mean because this is going to be a fun XXX blog. I mean because this blog is going to be disturbing in a Bastard out of Carolina way. It's going to be about the nature of people, love, God and forgiveness. And it's about a parent's worse nightmare.

Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl, who didn't know she was beautiful. She was funny, smart, and she was my best friend. Although we were in highschool she didn't live with her parents, because her mom had died of cancer many years earlier, and due to sexual abuse, the state had taken her away from her father. After highschool, her past caught up to her, and she experimented with drugs, sex and everything in between, and we lost track of one another. She had a beautiful daughter, but her lifestyle did not change that much. She felt lost, alone and like her life was out of her control. One day, she looked up my parents and got my phone number, here in Wisconsin, and gave me a call.

Earlier, before I had become friends with the girl, I was friends with a boy. He was smart, funny and he too had suffered from sexual abuse, although he didn't talk about it. After highschool, he quickly married and produced several offspring. After almost 10 years, his wife decided to leave him, and the boy, feeling lonely, decided to look up his old friend, me. Well, I was already in Wisconsin, and he gave me a call, the same week the girl called me.

Now, the boy and girl had been friends in highschool also, so I gave them each other's phone numbers and they contacted each other. They quickly fell in love, had a baby, and got married (yes, in that order). The girl finally felt like her life was in her control and that she had met the man of her dreams. They were very much in love, and they made an excellent couple.

Then, the girl discovered the boy had done inappropriate things with her beautiful daughter. Her world collapsed. Since she had gone through this as a child, she knew how devastating this was. She was very brave and she called the police and had the boy arrested and charged. The boy realized what he had done and he confessed to everything and started to go to counseling. He knew what he had done was wrong, but he asked for forgiveness, and he wanted to change and he still loved the girl. He begged her to stay with him, to help him and to still love him.

The girl, of course, refused. How could she stay with him when he had done this? But, the girl also believed in a very big God and she wondered if she was limiting God by claiming that the boy couldn't change. But, does forgiveness mean she has to stay with the boy? How could she trust him again? How could she allow him near her daughter again? Why did she still love him?

His actions and confession indicate that he wanted to be caught and wanted help. There were two incidents and there was no penetration of any kind. But, it is a child. It is a delicate situation. They are both my friends. I want the boy to get help. I want the girl to get her life back. I want them to figure out what is best for each of them. I want the daughter to magically forget what happened. I want it to be like it was when they fell in love. They made each other so happy. I want to beat him to death for hurting my friend and her daughter, but I also want to beat his stepdad to death for what he did to the boy. My friend wants and needs lots of prayer. She has difficult decisions she must make. I know she is not willing to sacrifice her daughter for love, for her husband. But, how will she know if he can indeed change? The boy needs prayer too. For forgiveness, for change, for a future.

you never think it would be someone you know,
Stacia

Spring break and snow

Tomorrow is the last day before spring break is officially here. And it has been snowing all afternoon and is supposed to snow some more tomorrow. Ahhh, life in Wisconsin.

Today I saw my advisor. Apparently she has several students in her class who are also in the class I TA. She said several students told her how well I had done during the lecture I gave. That was great to hear. She had missed the paper presentation I gave last week too, but said that one of the professors who was there told her how well I did. I almost got the impression he went to her just to tell her how well I had done. She seemed very impressed with what I did, and she wasn't even there! That really made me feel so good. Alot of my fellow graduate students are reconsidering working in academia. It is difficult and there are a lot of politics involved in getting through the graduate process. After that you have to find a job, get tenure, publish a book, serve on committees, be a great professor, present at conferences, and publish some more. But this is what I want to do, and that desire has not changed for me. I love to teach, and my advisor thinks I'm a natural at it. I'm also good at presenting my work. Unfortunately, my research and writing skills aren't as good as they should be, but I'm working on that.

Meanwhile, I'm dealing with students who are not so happy about their mid-term grades. Note to students, don't use "information" from a certain professor's class, because I've had three classes with him and his TA is one of my good friends. If you took better notes in class it would be a lot easier.

Stacia

Wonderful Weekend

This was a great weekend. My mom had hoped I would be there, so it wasn't a huge surprise, but she sure was glad I was there. In addition to me, my dad flew in my mom's two best friends. All three of them hadn't been together for about 10 years. They both have daughters my age, and it was great getting caught up with them. The party was huge! It seemed like everyone we knew showed up, but yet, alot of people didn't make it. There were about 90 people there throughout the evening. It was great. There were a ton of people there I hadn't seen in ages. So of course, I had to answer the question, "So, when are you going to be done in school?" about a million times. But the party was great and mom enjoyed herself.

The strange thing about my mom's friends from out of town. It was probably presumed, back in the day, that my parent's marriage was probably the shakiest of all three. Yet, my parents are the only couple still married. Not only are they still married, but they have a great marriage. My dad worships the ground my mom walks on, but he's not whipped, and my mom is super appreciative of everything my dad does for her and our family. I know the secret to my parents' marriage: my mom refused to give up. Now, my dad, he probably never even knew there was anything wrong. But my mom, for a while, a long while, was miserable. But she was already divorced and now had three kids, so instead of leaving, she stuck it out. And instead of being bitter about it, she focused on my dad's positive attributes. And as he got older, he mellowed, and as she got older, she got better about asking for what she wanted. And they both considered their marriage a priority. So was my mom surprised when she answered the door on Friday and me and her two friends were standing there. No, not really. She knew that dad wanted her to be happy and this would make her happy.

I also got to see Camille and family. The new addition is beautiful. And she has a ton of hair! Camille looks great and very happy and relaxed. Bart looks at Francesca like she's the most amazing thing on the planet. I am so very happy for them.

On the plane home, this little girl, probably almost three, sat in front of me. She was soooo cute. She was wearing a little pink outfit and had a pink cowboy hat on. She kept saying, "I'm a cowgirl." Her mom told her to say yee-haw and howdy, and she did. She was just adorable.

ok, I still have a ton of homework I need to do. I had a great weekend, but now I really need spring break!

Stacia

I Rock!

I gave my lecture on Monday. The Russian Revolutions of 1917. In 50 minutes. For that alone, I deserve a medal or a pay-raise, or something. I was extremely nervous and worked on it all weekend. Well, most of it is a blur, but everyone clapped at the end, the professor shook my hand, and several students stopped to tell me I did a great job. The next day, when I teach, several more students told me how good it was, that I was the best lecturer so far, and that they actually learned stuff. I am very flattered, but at the same time, I'm also still grading the mid-terms. But I do think they like me, and that I did at least a good job.

Today, I presented a paper for the first time ever. This, I didn't really prepare for. There were three of us, and the topic was: Jews in the eyes of others. I went last. My topic: the Bolshevik struggle against Zionism. One of the other presenters, whom I really, really respect, told me several times afterwards that I did a great job. So, that felt really good too.

Also ran into my former student again today. I am going to have to schedule something soon.

I have absolutely not prepared anything for class tomorrow. But that professor was at our presentation (all of us are in his class), so I'm hoping he'll be nice.

I can't wait to go home. I did laundry today. I sent my mom a flyer for today's presentation in her birthday card. She put it on the fridge. I hope she takes it down before her party.

I guess that's it.

Stacia

Total chaos. . . .in slow motion

Where to start? Well, how about here! I need spring break to be here NOW!!!! I am so tired that I think I am physically unable to do any more homework. And my apartment is a disaster area. And I have so much homework to do it's ridiculous. And I have mid-terms I need to grade. And I'm lecturing tomorrow for the first time ever. And I'm presenting a paper on Wed. for the first time ever. And I feel totally unprepared.

I really didn't think preparing a 50 minute lecture would be that hard. I mean, in the class I TA'd for last semester, the revolutions took two weeks, which is more than 4 hours. But then I realized, this isn't a history class, and they don't need to know every single name and every single detail. And hence, I'm 10 minutes short!!!! I've probably spent 8 hours preparing this lecture this weekend. I can't wait until it's over. Meanwhile, I'm so exhausted by the revolutions (two, there were two revolutions in Russia in 1917), that I really haven't done any other homework this weekend. And I think my brain probably exploded earlier today, I just haven't had the energy to go look. I haven't worked on the Wed. paper presentation at all. But at least I already have the 35 page paper written and just have to condense it into 12 pages. Shouldn't be that hard. (those will probably be my unfamous last words).

Mid-Terms: What can I say? Some of the answers to the essays are so banal and insipid that they aren't even worth the time to read. Some are just plain out wrong. Although, apparently Peter the Great was a Westernizer because he simplified Russia's tax system. (he didn't simplify it, but he did change it: I'm still trying to figure out what that has to do with Westernization). I'll let you know how those turn out. Other than that. . . .

Ok, can I let you in on a secret? I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't read this because she hasn't told me I'm going to hell yet. My mom turns 50 this week and my dad is throwing her a huge party next Saturday. My mom really wants me to come for this. We have her totally convinced that I'm not coming home because my spring break doesn't start until March 19th (why so late?). I even sent her a birthday card telling her I was sorry I wouldn't be there, and today on the phone I told her that I was doing some church thing next weekend. I am so excited and I can't wait to see the look on my mom's face when I get there. And after this week, I'll really need the break.

And, I e-mailed the former student I went out with this week and suggested we do it again. The answer was: let me know when and where and I'll be there. Hmmmmm!

Stacia

That sucks!

Ok, so the birthday was ok, but not spectacular. Whatever. Today, I found out that this guy I know has put in his two weeks notice at work and is moving away. What sucks is that he hasn't contacted me to let me know this. Ok, so we're not great friends, but. . . .I fall asleep thinking about him a lot. I had asked him out and he told me he wasn't available, but he always made a point to talk to me whenever he saw me and told me he still considered me a friend. So, it's not like I ever expected him to really ever call me, but there was that little, itty bitty hope in the back of my brain that I might get at least one night of really hot sex. The dream is dead. No, he hasn't left yet, but really, what am I going to do, call him and offer one night of really hot sex? He knows I'm interested so, if that's what he wanted, wouldn't he call me? It just sucks, because he was pretty much the only really good looking guy my age in all of Madison.

On the other hand, a former student invited me out to drinks tonight, and we had a great time.

anyhow, I'm going to go pout and imagine all the great sex HE'S missing out on!

Stacia

Pre-birthday blues

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 31, which means, I will officially be in my thirties. I guess that's fine. But, for the past four years I have always gotten a piercing for my birthday. This year, I wanted to get my nape pierced, or finish my belly button (I have 2, want 2 more). But I swim, and the piercer told me, that while he would do it, it wasn't a good idea. Which totally sucks because I really wanted to get it done, but I'm not giving up swimming either. That's how I retain what little sanity I have left. Totally sucks.

I did have a good weekend. I got so much homework done it was ridiculous. I think I may also be fighting off a cold or sinus infection or something. Hopefully it won't fully develop into something that kicks my ass. But regardless, I did get a lot of homework done. I checked out about 20 books on Friday, and one of them has already been recalled, and it's not one I read this weekend. I still get to keep the book for 10 more days, which I fully intend to, but still. And since I did so much homework this weekend, I have no motivation to do any today. That sucks.

Finally got to talk to Camille this morning. She and the baby are doing well. I can't wait to see them.

I guess that's about it. Tomorrow I actually have the day off (just plain luck, not planned) and I'm going to get my hair cut, and get decent looking eyebrows again. Going to renew my driver's license (after the haircut) and make myself a cake and open all my cards and gifts by myself. Moving away from family and friends really sucks around your birthday!

gotta get my stuff together to go to school,
Stacia
re-reading this, apparently the word of the day is: sucks.

Various shades of longing: red

The way my face flames up when I see you, think of you, touch you, kiss you, lick you, suck you, enter you, finish you.
The color in which I live: the color of aggression, anger and bitterness.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color that makes me happy, and joyful,
the color that makes my heart ache for you.
The color which begins life and the color that ends life.
The color of a type of romance I don't understand and do not want.
Instead I want true red, and your true heart.
Give me what is mine.
Maybe I'll give you what is not yours, and never will be.
Red: the color of protection, of confusion, of despair.
The color I feel in. The color I am.
The color which engulfs my body and my soul when you see me, think of me, touch me, kiss me, lick me, suck me, enter me, finish me.

Irritated

I'm just as tired of school gripes as you are. But unfortunately, that's all I got! My mom did go visit Camille in the hospital and got to hold Francesca. I'm very jealous! That was also the first time she's ever met Bart, and she really liked him. Said he was very good-looking (he is) and very sweet and kind (he is that also). She said when he found out that she was my mom, he took pictures to send to me. I haven't got the pictures yet, but I thought that was nice.

So speaking of beautiful babies: Phoenix update. For Christmas, my aunt gave Phoenix all this rubber duckey stuff: bathrobe, bath matt, just anything you can think of. The other day, it was apparently 80 degrees in Dallas, so mom took Phoenix to the park, where there were lots and lots of real ducks. Of course, they don't look anything like the ducks he got for Christmas, but they sounded just like them. Mom said it was joyful watching Phoenix chase the ducks and that he just laughed and laughed. She said it wasn't happiness, it was pure joy. You know, the joy of a child, before they know what real pain is. The wonderment and amazement that we tend to forget as adults. Like when you're in the mountains at night and look up, and you see, really see, the millions and millions of stars, and how it makes you feel so small but so lucky at the same time, because you can experience this. I need a joyful moment like that. Maybe a joyful falling in love moment. Not someone falling in love with me, but the feeling you get when you realize you're falling for someone else and you have no control over everything, and then you get that smile, the one that let's you know that they feel the same way. I could use that moment. It's been way too long. My 31st birthday is a week from today. I guess that's what I'll wish for.

back to the homework, the great, wonderful, enlightening, never-ending, homework. Some of the other graduate students and I have decided that they should give out competency exams before someone enters grad school. You know, the kind they give in murder trials. The only problem is, they really could only accept those of us who failed, because really, who willing lives like this?

starry-eyed tonight,
Stacia

Congrats and H.B.

It's a very happy day. First CONGRATULATIONS to Bart and Camille. Their beautiful (and large, 8lbs. 13oz.) baby girl was born today at 11:22a. I haven't talked to them yet, but Camille left a message on my machine. Regardless of Francesca's size, Camille was only in labor for 2 hours, for which she is thankful. I can't wait to hold her.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Andrea who turned 30 today. In addition to turning 30, she is also getting married this year. I'm sure this will be the best year ever for her.

Back to the homework,
Stacia

Fiery hoops

My advisor thinks I should be spending at least 2 hours every day in the library researching to write my dissertation proposal. In addition to TAing this semester, I'm also taking 2 classes and reading for my pre-lims. I have four fields, and each fields list is more than a 100 books. So, let's look at my current schedule to figure out when I can hit the library.

Mondays: 6:00am wake up, journal, prepare myself mentally for the day. 6:45a, make breakfast, read comics, e-mail, ect. 7:15a, eat breakfast, brush teeth, wash face, get dressed, 7:45a, read homework, 8:30a, practice piano, 9:00a, translate German article, 9:30a, read some more, 9:45a, make lunch, make sure all my stuff is in the backpack, 10:13a, leave for bus-stop.

11:00a, swim (for my mental health), 11:45a, shower, get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:15p, attend lecture for class I'm TAing, 2:15p, go to the library and read homework, 4:30p meet with Russian speaker and practice Russian, 6:30p, catch bus home.

7:00p, get home, make dinner, check mail, check e-mail. 8:00p work on applications for summer language program, 9:00p, work on papers or read more homework, 10:00p, do dishes and get ready for bed.

Tuesdays: See above from 6:00a to 10:13a

11:00a, office hours, 12:05p teach class, 1:20p, teach class, 2:25p teach class, 3:30p teach class. 4:30p, go to library, do homework 5:47p, catch bus home.

6:15p, check mail, e-mail, make dinner. 6:45p, eat dinner, 7:15p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Scrubs and whatever crap is on after it. 9:00p read homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.

Wednesdays: See above for 6:00a-10:13a.

11:00a, swim, 11:45a, shower and get ready, 12:15p eat lunch, 12:45p, check e-mail, read homework, 1:20p, attend lecture, 2:20-3:30p, office hours, 3:30p go to library, research for paper, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:20p, make and eat dinner, 6:00p, go back to campus for study group, 8;45p, get home, check e-mail, do dishes, 9:30p, read homework, 10:00p, get ready for bed.

Thursdays: See above for 6:00a to 12:45a.

1:20p, go to seminar, 3:47p, catch bus home, 4:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. Read homework, 6:00p, make dinner, 6:30p, eat dinner, 7:00p, read homework, 9:00p, e-mail class, 10:00p, wash dishes, get ready for bed.

Fridays: See Mondays and Weds. from 6:00a to 2:20p. Every other Friday, at 2:30p, meet study group, otherwise, go to library, do research, 4:47p, catch bus home, 5:15p, check mail, e-mail, ect. 6:00p, make dinner, eat dinner, 6:45p, read homework, 8:00p, watch Reba, 9:00p, do dishes, get ready for bed, collapse.

Saturdays: 7:00a, get up, eat, read comics, check e-mail, shower. Stack up books, usually 6 of them, next to the couch. Sit on couch and read. Periodically get up to get more tea and pee. Every other Sat. volunteer at the WI historical museum. Go home, do more homework. At 8:00p, watch movie, and then go to bed.

Sunday: 8:00a, get up, eat, shower, check e-mail, 9:00a, go to church, 10:45a, get groceries, 11:30a, make lunch, read Sunday paper while eating lunch. Do homework all afternoon. Talk to mom on phone for an hour. 7:00p, watch Simpsons while eating dinner. 8:00p do more homework. 10:00p, wash dishes, go to bed.

I would just like to point out that this schedule does not include cleaning, laundry, or talking to anyone on the phone. So, when, WHEN, am I supposed to do anything extra? I'm not giving up my entire life!

The Russian horror movie was very interesting. It was called Night Watch and had English subtitles. It was Matrix/Star Wars/Army of Darkness, and the sequel comes out next year. We're trying to find the Russian book the movie was adapted from to try to figure out if it was supposed to be funny in certain parts.

Anyway, this blog has put me behind schedule.
Hope everyone managed to avoid feeling like shit today.

Stacia

She doesn't get it.

The professor I'm TAing for won't be in town on Monday. In my way of thinking, that would have been a perfect day to ask a HISTORY or POLITICAL SCIENCE professor to guest lecture. So, what are we doing on Monday? We're watching the History channel's Russia: Land of the Tsars. Now, don't get me wrong, I love the history channel. But, when we could actually have a REAL professor give a lecture, why are we watching a 100 years of Russian history shoved into a 50 minute period? This is why the students don't like the class. I'm still trying to come up with a professional way to address the issue. I think I'm going to tell her the students are worried about the exams because all the lectures are over culture, but some of the readings are over history and political science, so therefore, what should the kids specifically study.

I need to offer a gigantic, huge, enormous, heartfelt CONGRATULATIONS to Wes. He has been promoted to officer. I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this. The downside: he had to sign on for 10 more years to accept the promotion. But, I guess we'll just work that out as need be. Not like anything else is making this pseudo-relationship easier, so what's one more thing? And I think I really am going to go visit him. That scares and excites me all at the same time.

Tonight my grad school friends (ok, only 2 of them: I do have more than 2 grad school friends) are having an anti-valentines day party. We are going to watch a Russian horror flick. I'm hoping it's going to be along the lines of Army of Darkness, but we'll see. I guess it has vampires and werewolves. I hope it has subtitles, although if it doesn't, I guess we can just make up dialogue in English. I'm sure that between the movie and the vodka (although I forgot to buys pickles!) it will be a great night.

Stacia

My aching feet!

Ok, no one can say that I'm not a dedicated TA. Today, the bus I was riding to school got hit, and it could have been up to an hour before the bus would leave (no, they wouldn't send us another one). Well, I had to teach in an hour, and I wanted to make copies of a Russian timeline before that. Therefore, I got off the bus, and, wearing 3 1/2 inch heel boots, proceeded to walk 2 miles in a half hour. And it snowed yesterday. I'm so glad I was wearing my cheap payless boots and not my suede boots. (knee-high, lace up: very sexy!). But I limped the rest of the day. I really love teaching. Can I get a raise?

Speaking of teaching: my students hate the class. It's not me (otherwise they wouldn't be griping to my face) but the professor. This is supposed to be an interdisciplinary class, covering history, political science, geography and Slavic studies. So far, it's covered two geography/history lectures and the rest have been culture. And the next three weeks are also culture. The students are, understandably, upset. This is my question: do I say something to the professor and hope she changes the format of the course? She's only given us a syllabus for the first half of the semester, maybe she could change the second half. I don't know what I should do. Although, it appears the students really like me. This is the first time this professor has taught this course, and usually, I'm told, more guest professors lecture. This could be a very successful class. I think I'll ask one of my other professors what they think I should do.

I'm going to go soak my feet and read about Peter, the Great (so he said),
Stacia

Etiquette

I live in a neighborhood with several group homes. You all know what I'm talking about. They're all harmless, and many of them work. One fellow often takes the same bus as I do. Yesterday when I was walking to the bus stop at 10:15am, as I was crossing the 6 lane major road the bus stop is on, I notice that this fellow is already at the bus stop. And then I noticed that he has decided to pee in the snow next the bus stop. Next to a major road. In plain view. He didn't even go behind the bushes that are RIGHT THERE! So, what do I do? Where do I look? Do I smile at him? Do I avoid eye contact? Do I ask why he didn't write his name, or make some other design? Does anyone know what the etiquette is when you catch someone peeing in the snow? I see him almost everyday. I guess I'm just going to remember not to eat the snow next to the bus stop.

Stacia

Small gripes

that add up to just piss me off. Like being sick all weekend. I had already scheduled a Doctor's appointment because to get into this Russian language summer program you have to be evaluated to be both physically and mentally fit. Monday morning, I get a call, the doctor is also sick, so they reschedule me for this morning. So I go in this morning with a killer headache, because I wanted to be able to tell the doctor exactly where it hurt. Well, they gave me the wrong time, so again, we had to reschedule, for this Friday. Totally sucks.

So I'm sick all weekend. I get behind in my homework. I have deadlines for funding applications and questions, and NO ONE will return my e-mails. What's up with that? And they want the application to be typed, but it's on a computer program where you can't add to the document, you can only print it out. Does anyone even own a typewriter any more? And they're tiny little boxes: even if I find a typewriter (I think the library might have one), how am I going to line the stupid thing up? I have to take a spoken and written language test tomorrow. I suck at tests. I am so bad at them, even in English. I know I'm going to bomb this and look like an idiot. I hate that. I hate the fact that it doesn't seem to matter what I do, I don't get any better at reading Russian and the fact that I'm too shy to try to speak it with others because I'm so bad at it.

I'm pissed about the fact that my apartment is more than 80 degrees. I can't figure out where the hell the heat is coming from, because my heat is not on. I hate the fact that my apartment is disgustingly filthy at this time and I don't feel like I have time to clean it. I want to know why my paycheck was $300 short and if this is going to occur every month, because I can't live on $635 a month. (not that I easily live on the usual $910, but it covers almost everything).

Most of all, I'm kind of pissed at Wes right now. Everytime we talk and I start to feel like this could be it, he disappears for a while. Why does he do that? Is he playing games with me? What's up with that? And I know he's dating people, but I don't care about that, so I just don't get it. Is it the fact that I don't care that he's dating other people? I don't have time for this crap right now.

And I'm pissed at myself for caring about the situation. I'm mad that I don't have the motivation to get off my ass and clean my apartment, do my homework, write my papers, fill out these applications. I still feel like crap, although the world isn't spinning anymore, so I guess that's good. I just want to get these applications filled out and sent so I can work on the next thing that has a deadline. I hate deadlines.

I'm going to go read about murder and anti-Semitism, because I know that'll make me feel so much better,
Stacia

Laughing hysterically

See, I knew this would happen, I just thought I would have another week. But, alas, nature has worked against me and thus, I have the flu, which automatically puts me behind in the homework department. Do you know how hard it is to read and take notes and make sense of Russian history/gender theory/Jewish history/collapse of the Soviet Union, when you're sick. I don't understand gender theory when I'm not sick. In addition, I have funding applications due on Feb. 7th that I absolutely have to fill out this weekend. And I still have to attend lecture this afternoon. But I'm driving instead of taking the bus, because I get motion sick. I have, however, e-mailed all my friends to let them know to stay off the streets during the times I'm driving, just for their safety (unless they may be competing with me in the future job market; I forgot to e-mail those people). This is when I wish I had a boyfriend. I need milk, tampons and a DVD to watch this weekend. And there's a package at the post 0ffice, and I have to swing by the bookstore to get those two books I have to read by next Friday (along with the other six books I have to read by then, and that might actually be underestimating it). So a man this weekend could be useful; he could pick up all that crap and bring me a hot cup of tea every 20 minutes. And order me a pizza and better yet, pay for the pizza.

As if the flu weren't enough, I got some extremely bad news. For some stupid, idiotic, unknown, unexplainable reason, even if I take my pre-lims in the fall, I will not be dissertator status until the spring semester. For those of you who are wondering why it even matters, let me explain it. All the applications for research funding are due between Nov. and March. You have to be a dissertator to qualify and apply for funding. Therefore, I will miss half the deadlines for funding, which could possibly put me a year behind in my research. Yes, there are other things I can do for research during that year, but that's not the point. The point is, if I take my pre-lims, then I am a dissertator and want to start working on my dissertation. I told my advisor this last night, and she was very nice about the whole thing and said it wasn't my fault (which it isn't) and that I am exactly where I should be with everything else. I'm meeting with the department advisor on Monday to figure this out. I'll let you know how it turns out.

And finally, my friend Andrea, who is getting married, is calling me every week to give me wedding updates. I'm happy for her, I know she's excited, but if I ever get married again, I'm eloping. It's not worth the money, the time, the aggravation. Besides, everyone in my family whose had a successful marriage eloped: my grandparents (57 years), my parents (27 years), my aunt's third marriage (1 year). (ok, maybe that last one wasn't a good example).

ok, I'm going to crawl back to the couch and read about the collapse of the USSR. I'd rather be taking a nap! Hope everyone feels better than me.

Stacia

Second Week

It's the second week of school, and I'm a little worried, because looking at everything I have to do, I think I can do it. It'll be a lot of hard work, late nights, and little social life (like I have one anyway), but usually, I look at it all, laugh, and then pick and choose. And that's what worries me. I'm sure something will spring up, smack me in the head and then run, leaving me muddled, confused and laughing.

I had my first teaching sections yesterday. They went pretty well. Except they are all right in a row, so by the last one, I'm pretty much hoarse and tired. But all the groups seem good. However, last Friday, in the middle of lecture, the fire alarm went off. Well, I had left my coat in my office, because I wasn't leaving the building, so why drag a 50 lb. coat around. I ended up outside in a sweatshirt for 15 minutes. Yesterday, the fire alarm went off again, and again, I was coatless. I'm just wondering when the pneumonia will kick in. Interesting story (to me, anyway), one of my new students asked me if I ever go see local bands, which I do on occasion because I have a few musician friends. He then stated he was in a band and wanted to know if I would ever come see them. He'll let me know when they play next. Hmmmm. What was that all about?

Alright, I need to eat, and then get to study group. I also need to read an article before study group. I bet by next week I'm laughing hysterically.

Stacia

What is it?

Wes called me this week. He was who I called drunk from my cousin's last weekend. He said the message was funny but not embarrassing in any major way. So that's good.

Those of you who know me, or have been reading for a while, know that Wes is an old friend of mine (since highschool) who is in the Navy. Since highschool we have remained in touch with each other, although sometimes a year would go by between times we talked. About 9 years ago Wes got married and proceeded to have two children. About 6 years ago, I lived with Wes's best friend and we almost got married. Five years ago, we broke up. Ever since then, I still hear from him every 6 months to a year as he tries to get me back. And he refuses to speak to Wes, because Wes and I are friends (yes, maturity was an issue in that relationship). And meanwhile, since highschool, my best friend Andrea has been convinced that Wes was madly in love with her, always would be. Not quite as exciting as Y&R, but close enough.

So, about a year and a half ago, Wes's wife picks up with their two kids and leaves Wes. I started hearing from him a lot more often, but we were friends, so why wouldn't he need a friend? I knew he was dating (ok, dating really isn't the right term, maybe dawging is a better term). Then he went out on ship for about 8 months. When he came back, he started calling a lot. And then he dropped a huge, gigantic bombshell. He thinks we should be together. And I don't mean in bed (although, there too) but in a relationship, like forever. Think, the M word. He doesn't mean now, but he realized his feelings for me have changed and deepened and that we are really good friends, so what more do you really want in a relationship. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. When you've been friends with someone that long, you don't really tend to think of them in that way. And besides, there is all that other stuff (see previous paragraph). And he lives there and I live here. And he's Wes. There was just no way. So, after a month of thinking about it, I told him I would be willing to see where the relationship went. It has been a couple of months since then. And I really have been thinking about it, and this is where I stand right now.

Men have always complained that I'm not romantic. I don't particularly enjoy flowers. Chocolate does nothing for me. I hate sweet talk and crap like that. And why do you think you have to call me twice a day? Why do you think you have to call once a day? If we're through having sex, get the hell out, no you can't spend the night. No cuddling. Sorry, I just don't get all gooey inside when I think about you. Instead, have an intelligent conversation with me about politics, finance, school, my research, music, art, literature, raising kids, cooking, traveling, goals, dreams and just life in general. Don't treat me like a women who needs to be saved from the world, her past, or herself. Treat me like an equal. Laugh with me. Be proud of me, not because of what you think you contributed to who I am, but because you get to be the friend of an incredibly cool woman. Don't be intimidated by my independence: encourage it. You don't have to worship me. But you should acknowledge that you could. And you should be independent and self-confident. Know that I'm not sleeping with the entire population of the world just because I didn't feel a need to talk to you for three days in a row. Know that when I cook for you, go out with you, rub your feet, listen to you complain about your day, or just laugh with you, that that's my way of letting you know how cool I think you are. When I have an intelligent conversation with you about politics, finance, school, my research, music, art, literature, raising kids, cooking, traveling, goals, dreams and just life in general, that's my way of appreciating you and letting you know that you're my equal. Wes does these things for me. This is how he treats me. And I realized that I could be married to Wes for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. So, just because the thought of Wes doesn't make me all gooey inside, does that mean I don't love him? He provides a stability for me that no one else ever has. He knows who he is, what he wants, and he knows what he has to do to get that. And he is willing to to those things. I really don't know what else I could ask for in a man.

What do you think?

Stacia

First Day

Well, actually yesterday was the first day of the semester, but today was my first day back. This morning, my friend Sarah and I met and went swimming. A full mile, which is 35 laps (not the previously mentioned 33). And, I am now exhausted. I hope I get into better shape quickly, because I can't afford to be this tired all the time.

Since I am TAing for a class, I must go to all the lectures, in addition to the 4 discussion sections I teach. The first lecture was today. Let's just say, that as of this morning, I still had not received a syllabus. I met with a different professor yesterday who referred to the professor I'm TAing for as a dingbat. He also said it's a good thing I've got it together. This makes me very nervous, because it doesn't appear that she's a very good lecturer, and that she also wants to slightly micro-manage MY classes. There might be some problems, but I'll figure something out.

I'm taking two "classes" this semester. One of them meets tomorrow, and the other is an independent reading class, so we meet whenever we both can meet (and I've actually done some work). I'm also working (slowly) on my pre-lim list. Therefore, I will be very busy this semester, but I must admit, I'm much happier in school.

I guess that's about it for now. I'm going to drag my ass to the couch and highlight the syllabus I finally got and organize myself for the next week. Good luck to all of you who also started school this week. May we all be bright, alert and cheerful on little sleep.

Stacia

Full

I had a great weekend! I went up to Minneapolis to visit my cousin Suniel and his wife Amanda. Ok, I went to visit my friend Amanda, who happens to be married to my cousin. The weather was great driving up there (and back), except it was a little cold. Friday night we went to a great Thai restaurant and the food was delicious. Saturday we went to the Minneapolis Institute of Art. The place is amazing, huge and amazing. I'm so glad we went and I would recommend it to all of you. Saturday night, we stayed home, ate leftovers, and got really, really drunk. It was so nice. I have not drank like that in a long time and I really needed it before school starts again. If you got any voicemails from me while I was intoxicated, I apologize. I know I made at least one call. Sunday, we went to this great Cuban place for breakfast/lunch. Again, excellent food. Amanda is a wonderful cook and she also knows all the good places to eat. Then I drove home. I'm a little tired, but feel like I'm ready for the semester. I really like Amanda: she is an amazing woman. I feel so thankful that she is part of our family. I love talking to her about everything, because we just seem a lot a like. So, this weekend was exactly what I needed.

Stacia

Last weekend

Well, this is it. This is the last weekend of freedom before school starts. And, thankfully, it looks like the weather is on my side, because I am driving to Minneapolis this weekend to see family. Family I like! Cousins family! My age. So we'll have fun, and not have to play games (which I do like, but it gets old), we can drink (which I can't do at home at all) and just hang and not have to answer questions about when I'll settle down and get married and have kids and finally get a job so my parents don't have to support me. You know what, if my parents want to help support me, it's none of your damn business! I've already agreed to take care of them in their old age. So I will have fun and I think we're going to at least one art museum, which is, in my opinion, the best date option there is (just in case anyone needed any ideas before asking me out). And then when I get back, let the chaos begin.

I saw my friend Sean yesterday, which just leads me to a few questions. First, I asked him about his thesis, because he is on the verge of being asked to leave school because it's taking him so long to finish. He told me, he's too distracted over breaks to work much. HE DOES NOT OWN A TV. It's not like he's sitting at home watching porn all day, so what the hell is distracting you so much that you can't work on your thesis? Second, he read over my paper, which my professor has already told me is an AB paper and just needs a few minor changes for me to get an A. Sean said he didn't know if I could do it before school started. Which explains why he is still working on his thesis. All I need to do is fix the footnotes (1 and 1/2 hours), change some grammar mistakes (1 hour), add a few sentences (2 hours) to strengthen the argument and then, re-read the entire paper and make sure everything sounds great (3 hours). And it might not take that long. How could I not get that finished in three days? And finally, I was talking to him about Wes, and said that since we've been friends so long I had long ago quit thinking of him in a sexual way. Blank stare. He said as a guy, he had no idea what I was talking about. Does that mean that Sean thinks about nailing me? And I really don't want to know if that's the case, because then I would have to kick his ass.

In conclusion, I leave you with this Chinese proverb I lifted out of Reader's Digest.
There is no economy is going to bed early to save candles if the result be twins.

Stacia

Getting closer

So, the sucky part about being a graduate student is that even though, technically speaking, I'm on winter break, I actually have papers to write, books to read, applications to fill out and a whole bunch of other school related crap to do. In addition, I'm still utterly exhausted from last semester. I feel like I can catch up on my sleep and not get as much done right now, which means I'll have to do it during the semester along with everything else, eventually robbing me of more sleep, or I can just remain tired, since this is how I'm going to feel all semester anyway. What a win-win situation! But, I am almost finished with my Zionist paper, which I think I've been working on my entire adult life. She tells me if I make just a few more changes, it'll be an A paper. Therefore, I've been making those changes today, will meet with my friend Sean tomorrow, and go over the paper with him (I've e-mailed it to him) and then make the few changes he has suggested and then hopefully, I will get that damn A. And then, she wants me to start working on my dissertation proposal immediately, even though I'm not even taking my pre-lims until the fall. But this way, I can apply for funding right away. I've got to get the funding. Meanwhile, the Russian program I wanted to go on this summer, requires many, many things for their application, including a 500 word essay in RUSSIAN! Yes, you read that right. Even though there are many days when I feel like I couldn't write a 500 word essay in English (ok, I just wrote a 35 page paper, so that really isn't that hard), there's still very little chance I could write a decent, much less a good, essay in Russian. But I'm still going to try. I wonder if I can write it about how tired I am?

Catch-22. Andrea's wedding is July 24th. The Russian program is June 7th-Aug. 7th. Does anyone else see the scheduling conflict? So part of me hopes I don't get accepted into the summer program anyway, because I want to be in Andrea's wedding. She's going to wait as long as possible to ask someone else to be a bridesmaid, but even if I don't go to Russia, I may not be in the wedding. But at least then I would get to go. She called the other night and we had a great conversation about Wes. I guess she's decided that since she's getting married, it's kind of silly of her to voice opposition to the fact that he has expressed interest in me (yes, at this point, that is the extent of the steamy "relationship" between us, other than the 15 year friendship). She thinks we are highly compatible, but did express some very valid concerns, which I appreciated. I could tell the idea bothers her a little, because she did mention it might be awkward, at first, if we did hook up, but that she was absolutely committed to our friendship, for the rest of our lives. And I have to admit, I was greatly relieved because I respect, admire, and love Andrea very much. And, most of the time, I like her too!

Yesterday was a very successful man day, as far as I was concerned. No, no one asked me out, but I did get to talk to two different guys, both whom I would like to go out with. And both remembered my name, and even, dare I say it, seemed somewhat happy to see me. I should also mention, I looked really good. Then I went shopping with a friend, and bought a little, incredibly sexy, red dress (I already own a couple of little black dresses). Now I just need to find a place to wear it.

ok, I suppose I should do more work on that paper. I hope everyone is staying warm and dry,
Stacia

Smile

You ever hear that one song, that for some reason makes you smile and your heart ache, all at the same time? Right now, for me, that song is Mr. Brightside by the Killers. I don't exactly know why, but there's just something about it.

My friend Andrea is getting married. I am extremely happy for her. My friend Jamie just sent me pictures of her brand new baby. I am ecstatic for her. My friend Tiffany is due, after two years of trying to get pregnant, in June. It couldn't happen to a better person. My friend Sarah and her husband just bought a house. I'm so glad they will be able to garden. My friend Tonya and her husband just bought a house. They need the space for their three kids. My friend Camille and Bart are about to have their third child. I told her if she's born on my birthday, I get her as a present. My cousin Niel and his wife Amanda are looking to buy a house. I hope they find one they love. My cousin Creed is marrying the mother of his child this summer. They are perfect together.

Do you see a pattern here? Turns out, I'm the last single, childless woman I know. Now, I am divorced, so I know what a god-awful marriage is like, but I've never been pregnant. The dynamics of friendship changes when one of you gets married or has a child. It's not a bad thing, it's just different. While I'm complaining that I'm spending yet another Friday night alone, they're thinking, god, I would kill for any time alone. And I should add, I am single by choice. I just came to the conclusion that the men who were interested in me didn't place as much belief in me and my future as I did. Once I meet someone who can do that, and I can do that for him, then I know it's the right guy. But I still need to feel sexy and beautiful and that's kind of hard to do when you never leave your apartment. Having Wes show interest helps: I'm shaving more and starting to buy more sexy clothes. Clothes that will sit in my closet and never get worn. But at least I know that part of me is still alive. I know timing is never right for a relationship, but right now is just a terrible time to think about one at all. I'm leaving to live in Russia within the next 12 months (no later than 15). How many guys do you know would be willing to live in Russia for a year or so? And I really want to have sex, but not dirty, one-night stand, or even bed buddy sex. I want to have sex with someone I trust, and know, and love (or think I could love). Someone who's not going to disappear, or be creepy. But someone who understands me. Someone who looks at me like I am the only women on the face of the earth. The only one they ever want to be with forever. The only woman who could make them forget they were ever with anyone else.

Only five more years until I'm finished with school.

Stacia

Snow and students

Today, I spent 20 minutes digging my car out so I could drive to the gym and swim. I shaved 7 minutes off my swim time, and hope to shave off another 7. That would put me at 30 laps (33= 1 mile) in 35 minutes. I want to swim before my classes this semester, but I have to eat and get ready too. I think I can do it. I also thought that since I was driving towards the downtown of the state capital that the roads would be sufficiently plowed. Apparently, even though I only drove on major roads, the city feels it's only necessary to plow them every 24 hours, even though it snowed for 24 hours straight. And don't get me started on other drivers, including the one who ran a red light and almost broadsided me.

And even though it is winter break, I received an e-mail from a very upset student because the grade I gave him meant that since he was already on academic probation, he was kicked out of school. He didn't understand why, even though he skipped class and the weekly papers (total of 35% of grade) he received such a low (but passing) grade. Now he wants me to write a letter to the board of whatever explaining that his work was good (when he did it), but he was absent a lot. Yeah, don't think that's going to happen. Attending class IS part of the work. And if you're already on academic probation, don't you think you'd make sure you got good grades? I don't know, maybe that's just me.

I got my Christmas pictures back today, and boy, my nephew is cute! Also got a good picture of him with my brother. Mom told me my brother, Craig, finally cut his hair. It was very long, because since both sides of the family are bald, he knew he had to enjoy it while he could. Problem is, he should have shaved his head at least a year ago. It's over Craig. I know you're only 25, but, you are thinning badly, receding quickly, and you do have a bald spot on the back of your head. Unfortunately, mom said he couldn't let it all go, so he shaved it into a skunk. He will completely shave his head before his next trial date for custody though. Thank God!

And finally, even though I'm technically on break, I'm trying to read for my pre-lims. Would somebody please explain this to me? I'm reading a book called Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Let me quote some for you: "As an antimetaphorical activity, incorporation literalizes the loss on or in the body and so appears as the facticity of the body, the means by which the body comes to bear "sex" as its literal truth. The localization and/or prohibition of pleasure and desires in given "erotogenic" zones is precisely the kind of gender-differentiating melancholy that suffuses the body's surface." (p. 68). The whole book is like this! I understand about 1 sentence out of each chapter. What the hell is she talking about????? I'm a girl because I have a vagina. Why isn't that good enough?

If any of you are male or female for ANY OTHER REASON than the fact that you have a penis or vagina, please let me know. It would help me out greatly. (and yes, I do know several transgender/transexual people, and no, they can't clear this up either).

Stay out of the snow, but go to class,
Stacia

Christmas update

or, it's been enough time, I can finally discuss it.

But, before that, I am so excited because I am going to go visit my cousin Amanda in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to see her (oh, yeah, my other family too!). We haven't seen each other in ages, and there's always other people around. Maybe we'll get some girl time to just talk and bitch about relationships.

Ok, back to Christmas. First, the good stuff. My nephew, Phoenix, is amazing. He's 16 months old, and it was absolutely mind-boggling what he learned in just the one week I visited. When I got there, he could walk, but looked a little like I used to on Saturday night (when I used to have a social life). He ALWAYS crawled to a wall to stand up. By the end of the week, he was trying (unsuccessfully) to RUN! And, the last day I was there, the little man tried to stand up in the MIDDLE OF THE ROOM! I don't think he even knew he hadn't crawled to a wall. He fell right away, but just the fact that he tried amazed me. He is starting to look like a little boy, but he's only 28 inches tall. Corinne is very short, and Craig isn't that tall for a guy, so Phoenix might be doomed to shortdom. But he'll be very cute. His hair is a silver-blond, and he has Corinne's grey eyes. I was really hoping he would get Craig's beautiful sea-blue eyes, but doesn't look like it. He can do a number of other baby things, and he has dimples. He's just really cute, but a little fussy (much like my brother at that age). Just wish I saw him more often.

As for gifts, I made out all right. I got a DVD player and hopefully, if mom and dad shipped when they said they did, I'll get it before this weekend. I got four cookbooks, and two other books to boot, so my luggage coming home was very heavy! Camille got me a beautiful photo-album. I'm going to put my Germany (Summer 2003) pictures in it, probably tonight. My aunt made me this denim purse which would be great if 1) I was 10, 2) it was the 80's, or 3) I was white trash. But none of these is true. And by denim, I mean she cut a pair of jeans at the crotch and made the top half a purse, complete with red bandana belt and straps! I told my parents not to bother to ship that. Overall I was very happy with my gifts.

Other delightful Christmas news: My sister's boyfriend got her a ring for Christmas. I guess he got it just because "he loves me." Now, I am of the opinion of my cousin, who stated that promise rings are like putting your girlfriend on layaway. And my sister is barely 18, and they have been dating less than 6 months. So, like my parents, I was not too pleased about this gift. But, I do like her boyfriend, and it was a beautiful ring. I kept my opinion to myself (and for those of you who know me, you know that was hard to do!). Andrea's man finally proposed. Their anniversary is on January 1st, and last year (their third anniversary) she gave him a one year ultimatum about proposing. He may have waited until the last minute, but he bought the ring before she gave him the ultimatum. He said every time he planned to propose, something happened. The ring is beautiful. Andrea is happy. EXCEPT, she is convinced Wes and I are dating. Which we are not. She can believe what she wants. Neither Wes nor I is willing to do the long distance thing.

Finally, when I got home, there were 5 hang up calls on my answering machine from a blocked call. Anyone want to venture any guesses? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know who it was, and all I can say, I'm glad he hasn't called since I've been home.

that's it, thanks for stopping by, have a great year,
Stacia