Laughing hysterically

See, I knew this would happen, I just thought I would have another week. But, alas, nature has worked against me and thus, I have the flu, which automatically puts me behind in the homework department. Do you know how hard it is to read and take notes and make sense of Russian history/gender theory/Jewish history/collapse of the Soviet Union, when you're sick. I don't understand gender theory when I'm not sick. In addition, I have funding applications due on Feb. 7th that I absolutely have to fill out this weekend. And I still have to attend lecture this afternoon. But I'm driving instead of taking the bus, because I get motion sick. I have, however, e-mailed all my friends to let them know to stay off the streets during the times I'm driving, just for their safety (unless they may be competing with me in the future job market; I forgot to e-mail those people). This is when I wish I had a boyfriend. I need milk, tampons and a DVD to watch this weekend. And there's a package at the post 0ffice, and I have to swing by the bookstore to get those two books I have to read by next Friday (along with the other six books I have to read by then, and that might actually be underestimating it). So a man this weekend could be useful; he could pick up all that crap and bring me a hot cup of tea every 20 minutes. And order me a pizza and better yet, pay for the pizza.

As if the flu weren't enough, I got some extremely bad news. For some stupid, idiotic, unknown, unexplainable reason, even if I take my pre-lims in the fall, I will not be dissertator status until the spring semester. For those of you who are wondering why it even matters, let me explain it. All the applications for research funding are due between Nov. and March. You have to be a dissertator to qualify and apply for funding. Therefore, I will miss half the deadlines for funding, which could possibly put me a year behind in my research. Yes, there are other things I can do for research during that year, but that's not the point. The point is, if I take my pre-lims, then I am a dissertator and want to start working on my dissertation. I told my advisor this last night, and she was very nice about the whole thing and said it wasn't my fault (which it isn't) and that I am exactly where I should be with everything else. I'm meeting with the department advisor on Monday to figure this out. I'll let you know how it turns out.

And finally, my friend Andrea, who is getting married, is calling me every week to give me wedding updates. I'm happy for her, I know she's excited, but if I ever get married again, I'm eloping. It's not worth the money, the time, the aggravation. Besides, everyone in my family whose had a successful marriage eloped: my grandparents (57 years), my parents (27 years), my aunt's third marriage (1 year). (ok, maybe that last one wasn't a good example).

ok, I'm going to crawl back to the couch and read about the collapse of the USSR. I'd rather be taking a nap! Hope everyone feels better than me.

Stacia

Second Week

It's the second week of school, and I'm a little worried, because looking at everything I have to do, I think I can do it. It'll be a lot of hard work, late nights, and little social life (like I have one anyway), but usually, I look at it all, laugh, and then pick and choose. And that's what worries me. I'm sure something will spring up, smack me in the head and then run, leaving me muddled, confused and laughing.

I had my first teaching sections yesterday. They went pretty well. Except they are all right in a row, so by the last one, I'm pretty much hoarse and tired. But all the groups seem good. However, last Friday, in the middle of lecture, the fire alarm went off. Well, I had left my coat in my office, because I wasn't leaving the building, so why drag a 50 lb. coat around. I ended up outside in a sweatshirt for 15 minutes. Yesterday, the fire alarm went off again, and again, I was coatless. I'm just wondering when the pneumonia will kick in. Interesting story (to me, anyway), one of my new students asked me if I ever go see local bands, which I do on occasion because I have a few musician friends. He then stated he was in a band and wanted to know if I would ever come see them. He'll let me know when they play next. Hmmmm. What was that all about?

Alright, I need to eat, and then get to study group. I also need to read an article before study group. I bet by next week I'm laughing hysterically.

Stacia

What is it?

Wes called me this week. He was who I called drunk from my cousin's last weekend. He said the message was funny but not embarrassing in any major way. So that's good.

Those of you who know me, or have been reading for a while, know that Wes is an old friend of mine (since highschool) who is in the Navy. Since highschool we have remained in touch with each other, although sometimes a year would go by between times we talked. About 9 years ago Wes got married and proceeded to have two children. About 6 years ago, I lived with Wes's best friend and we almost got married. Five years ago, we broke up. Ever since then, I still hear from him every 6 months to a year as he tries to get me back. And he refuses to speak to Wes, because Wes and I are friends (yes, maturity was an issue in that relationship). And meanwhile, since highschool, my best friend Andrea has been convinced that Wes was madly in love with her, always would be. Not quite as exciting as Y&R, but close enough.

So, about a year and a half ago, Wes's wife picks up with their two kids and leaves Wes. I started hearing from him a lot more often, but we were friends, so why wouldn't he need a friend? I knew he was dating (ok, dating really isn't the right term, maybe dawging is a better term). Then he went out on ship for about 8 months. When he came back, he started calling a lot. And then he dropped a huge, gigantic bombshell. He thinks we should be together. And I don't mean in bed (although, there too) but in a relationship, like forever. Think, the M word. He doesn't mean now, but he realized his feelings for me have changed and deepened and that we are really good friends, so what more do you really want in a relationship. I was stunned. Absolutely stunned. When you've been friends with someone that long, you don't really tend to think of them in that way. And besides, there is all that other stuff (see previous paragraph). And he lives there and I live here. And he's Wes. There was just no way. So, after a month of thinking about it, I told him I would be willing to see where the relationship went. It has been a couple of months since then. And I really have been thinking about it, and this is where I stand right now.

Men have always complained that I'm not romantic. I don't particularly enjoy flowers. Chocolate does nothing for me. I hate sweet talk and crap like that. And why do you think you have to call me twice a day? Why do you think you have to call once a day? If we're through having sex, get the hell out, no you can't spend the night. No cuddling. Sorry, I just don't get all gooey inside when I think about you. Instead, have an intelligent conversation with me about politics, finance, school, my research, music, art, literature, raising kids, cooking, traveling, goals, dreams and just life in general. Don't treat me like a women who needs to be saved from the world, her past, or herself. Treat me like an equal. Laugh with me. Be proud of me, not because of what you think you contributed to who I am, but because you get to be the friend of an incredibly cool woman. Don't be intimidated by my independence: encourage it. You don't have to worship me. But you should acknowledge that you could. And you should be independent and self-confident. Know that I'm not sleeping with the entire population of the world just because I didn't feel a need to talk to you for three days in a row. Know that when I cook for you, go out with you, rub your feet, listen to you complain about your day, or just laugh with you, that that's my way of letting you know how cool I think you are. When I have an intelligent conversation with you about politics, finance, school, my research, music, art, literature, raising kids, cooking, traveling, goals, dreams and just life in general, that's my way of appreciating you and letting you know that you're my equal. Wes does these things for me. This is how he treats me. And I realized that I could be married to Wes for the rest of my life and be perfectly happy. So, just because the thought of Wes doesn't make me all gooey inside, does that mean I don't love him? He provides a stability for me that no one else ever has. He knows who he is, what he wants, and he knows what he has to do to get that. And he is willing to to those things. I really don't know what else I could ask for in a man.

What do you think?

Stacia

First Day

Well, actually yesterday was the first day of the semester, but today was my first day back. This morning, my friend Sarah and I met and went swimming. A full mile, which is 35 laps (not the previously mentioned 33). And, I am now exhausted. I hope I get into better shape quickly, because I can't afford to be this tired all the time.

Since I am TAing for a class, I must go to all the lectures, in addition to the 4 discussion sections I teach. The first lecture was today. Let's just say, that as of this morning, I still had not received a syllabus. I met with a different professor yesterday who referred to the professor I'm TAing for as a dingbat. He also said it's a good thing I've got it together. This makes me very nervous, because it doesn't appear that she's a very good lecturer, and that she also wants to slightly micro-manage MY classes. There might be some problems, but I'll figure something out.

I'm taking two "classes" this semester. One of them meets tomorrow, and the other is an independent reading class, so we meet whenever we both can meet (and I've actually done some work). I'm also working (slowly) on my pre-lim list. Therefore, I will be very busy this semester, but I must admit, I'm much happier in school.

I guess that's about it for now. I'm going to drag my ass to the couch and highlight the syllabus I finally got and organize myself for the next week. Good luck to all of you who also started school this week. May we all be bright, alert and cheerful on little sleep.

Stacia

Full

I had a great weekend! I went up to Minneapolis to visit my cousin Suniel and his wife Amanda. Ok, I went to visit my friend Amanda, who happens to be married to my cousin. The weather was great driving up there (and back), except it was a little cold. Friday night we went to a great Thai restaurant and the food was delicious. Saturday we went to the Minneapolis Institute of Art. The place is amazing, huge and amazing. I'm so glad we went and I would recommend it to all of you. Saturday night, we stayed home, ate leftovers, and got really, really drunk. It was so nice. I have not drank like that in a long time and I really needed it before school starts again. If you got any voicemails from me while I was intoxicated, I apologize. I know I made at least one call. Sunday, we went to this great Cuban place for breakfast/lunch. Again, excellent food. Amanda is a wonderful cook and she also knows all the good places to eat. Then I drove home. I'm a little tired, but feel like I'm ready for the semester. I really like Amanda: she is an amazing woman. I feel so thankful that she is part of our family. I love talking to her about everything, because we just seem a lot a like. So, this weekend was exactly what I needed.

Stacia

Last weekend

Well, this is it. This is the last weekend of freedom before school starts. And, thankfully, it looks like the weather is on my side, because I am driving to Minneapolis this weekend to see family. Family I like! Cousins family! My age. So we'll have fun, and not have to play games (which I do like, but it gets old), we can drink (which I can't do at home at all) and just hang and not have to answer questions about when I'll settle down and get married and have kids and finally get a job so my parents don't have to support me. You know what, if my parents want to help support me, it's none of your damn business! I've already agreed to take care of them in their old age. So I will have fun and I think we're going to at least one art museum, which is, in my opinion, the best date option there is (just in case anyone needed any ideas before asking me out). And then when I get back, let the chaos begin.

I saw my friend Sean yesterday, which just leads me to a few questions. First, I asked him about his thesis, because he is on the verge of being asked to leave school because it's taking him so long to finish. He told me, he's too distracted over breaks to work much. HE DOES NOT OWN A TV. It's not like he's sitting at home watching porn all day, so what the hell is distracting you so much that you can't work on your thesis? Second, he read over my paper, which my professor has already told me is an AB paper and just needs a few minor changes for me to get an A. Sean said he didn't know if I could do it before school started. Which explains why he is still working on his thesis. All I need to do is fix the footnotes (1 and 1/2 hours), change some grammar mistakes (1 hour), add a few sentences (2 hours) to strengthen the argument and then, re-read the entire paper and make sure everything sounds great (3 hours). And it might not take that long. How could I not get that finished in three days? And finally, I was talking to him about Wes, and said that since we've been friends so long I had long ago quit thinking of him in a sexual way. Blank stare. He said as a guy, he had no idea what I was talking about. Does that mean that Sean thinks about nailing me? And I really don't want to know if that's the case, because then I would have to kick his ass.

In conclusion, I leave you with this Chinese proverb I lifted out of Reader's Digest.
There is no economy is going to bed early to save candles if the result be twins.

Stacia

Getting closer

So, the sucky part about being a graduate student is that even though, technically speaking, I'm on winter break, I actually have papers to write, books to read, applications to fill out and a whole bunch of other school related crap to do. In addition, I'm still utterly exhausted from last semester. I feel like I can catch up on my sleep and not get as much done right now, which means I'll have to do it during the semester along with everything else, eventually robbing me of more sleep, or I can just remain tired, since this is how I'm going to feel all semester anyway. What a win-win situation! But, I am almost finished with my Zionist paper, which I think I've been working on my entire adult life. She tells me if I make just a few more changes, it'll be an A paper. Therefore, I've been making those changes today, will meet with my friend Sean tomorrow, and go over the paper with him (I've e-mailed it to him) and then make the few changes he has suggested and then hopefully, I will get that damn A. And then, she wants me to start working on my dissertation proposal immediately, even though I'm not even taking my pre-lims until the fall. But this way, I can apply for funding right away. I've got to get the funding. Meanwhile, the Russian program I wanted to go on this summer, requires many, many things for their application, including a 500 word essay in RUSSIAN! Yes, you read that right. Even though there are many days when I feel like I couldn't write a 500 word essay in English (ok, I just wrote a 35 page paper, so that really isn't that hard), there's still very little chance I could write a decent, much less a good, essay in Russian. But I'm still going to try. I wonder if I can write it about how tired I am?

Catch-22. Andrea's wedding is July 24th. The Russian program is June 7th-Aug. 7th. Does anyone else see the scheduling conflict? So part of me hopes I don't get accepted into the summer program anyway, because I want to be in Andrea's wedding. She's going to wait as long as possible to ask someone else to be a bridesmaid, but even if I don't go to Russia, I may not be in the wedding. But at least then I would get to go. She called the other night and we had a great conversation about Wes. I guess she's decided that since she's getting married, it's kind of silly of her to voice opposition to the fact that he has expressed interest in me (yes, at this point, that is the extent of the steamy "relationship" between us, other than the 15 year friendship). She thinks we are highly compatible, but did express some very valid concerns, which I appreciated. I could tell the idea bothers her a little, because she did mention it might be awkward, at first, if we did hook up, but that she was absolutely committed to our friendship, for the rest of our lives. And I have to admit, I was greatly relieved because I respect, admire, and love Andrea very much. And, most of the time, I like her too!

Yesterday was a very successful man day, as far as I was concerned. No, no one asked me out, but I did get to talk to two different guys, both whom I would like to go out with. And both remembered my name, and even, dare I say it, seemed somewhat happy to see me. I should also mention, I looked really good. Then I went shopping with a friend, and bought a little, incredibly sexy, red dress (I already own a couple of little black dresses). Now I just need to find a place to wear it.

ok, I suppose I should do more work on that paper. I hope everyone is staying warm and dry,
Stacia

Smile

You ever hear that one song, that for some reason makes you smile and your heart ache, all at the same time? Right now, for me, that song is Mr. Brightside by the Killers. I don't exactly know why, but there's just something about it.

My friend Andrea is getting married. I am extremely happy for her. My friend Jamie just sent me pictures of her brand new baby. I am ecstatic for her. My friend Tiffany is due, after two years of trying to get pregnant, in June. It couldn't happen to a better person. My friend Sarah and her husband just bought a house. I'm so glad they will be able to garden. My friend Tonya and her husband just bought a house. They need the space for their three kids. My friend Camille and Bart are about to have their third child. I told her if she's born on my birthday, I get her as a present. My cousin Niel and his wife Amanda are looking to buy a house. I hope they find one they love. My cousin Creed is marrying the mother of his child this summer. They are perfect together.

Do you see a pattern here? Turns out, I'm the last single, childless woman I know. Now, I am divorced, so I know what a god-awful marriage is like, but I've never been pregnant. The dynamics of friendship changes when one of you gets married or has a child. It's not a bad thing, it's just different. While I'm complaining that I'm spending yet another Friday night alone, they're thinking, god, I would kill for any time alone. And I should add, I am single by choice. I just came to the conclusion that the men who were interested in me didn't place as much belief in me and my future as I did. Once I meet someone who can do that, and I can do that for him, then I know it's the right guy. But I still need to feel sexy and beautiful and that's kind of hard to do when you never leave your apartment. Having Wes show interest helps: I'm shaving more and starting to buy more sexy clothes. Clothes that will sit in my closet and never get worn. But at least I know that part of me is still alive. I know timing is never right for a relationship, but right now is just a terrible time to think about one at all. I'm leaving to live in Russia within the next 12 months (no later than 15). How many guys do you know would be willing to live in Russia for a year or so? And I really want to have sex, but not dirty, one-night stand, or even bed buddy sex. I want to have sex with someone I trust, and know, and love (or think I could love). Someone who's not going to disappear, or be creepy. But someone who understands me. Someone who looks at me like I am the only women on the face of the earth. The only one they ever want to be with forever. The only woman who could make them forget they were ever with anyone else.

Only five more years until I'm finished with school.

Stacia

Snow and students

Today, I spent 20 minutes digging my car out so I could drive to the gym and swim. I shaved 7 minutes off my swim time, and hope to shave off another 7. That would put me at 30 laps (33= 1 mile) in 35 minutes. I want to swim before my classes this semester, but I have to eat and get ready too. I think I can do it. I also thought that since I was driving towards the downtown of the state capital that the roads would be sufficiently plowed. Apparently, even though I only drove on major roads, the city feels it's only necessary to plow them every 24 hours, even though it snowed for 24 hours straight. And don't get me started on other drivers, including the one who ran a red light and almost broadsided me.

And even though it is winter break, I received an e-mail from a very upset student because the grade I gave him meant that since he was already on academic probation, he was kicked out of school. He didn't understand why, even though he skipped class and the weekly papers (total of 35% of grade) he received such a low (but passing) grade. Now he wants me to write a letter to the board of whatever explaining that his work was good (when he did it), but he was absent a lot. Yeah, don't think that's going to happen. Attending class IS part of the work. And if you're already on academic probation, don't you think you'd make sure you got good grades? I don't know, maybe that's just me.

I got my Christmas pictures back today, and boy, my nephew is cute! Also got a good picture of him with my brother. Mom told me my brother, Craig, finally cut his hair. It was very long, because since both sides of the family are bald, he knew he had to enjoy it while he could. Problem is, he should have shaved his head at least a year ago. It's over Craig. I know you're only 25, but, you are thinning badly, receding quickly, and you do have a bald spot on the back of your head. Unfortunately, mom said he couldn't let it all go, so he shaved it into a skunk. He will completely shave his head before his next trial date for custody though. Thank God!

And finally, even though I'm technically on break, I'm trying to read for my pre-lims. Would somebody please explain this to me? I'm reading a book called Gender Trouble by Judith Butler. Let me quote some for you: "As an antimetaphorical activity, incorporation literalizes the loss on or in the body and so appears as the facticity of the body, the means by which the body comes to bear "sex" as its literal truth. The localization and/or prohibition of pleasure and desires in given "erotogenic" zones is precisely the kind of gender-differentiating melancholy that suffuses the body's surface." (p. 68). The whole book is like this! I understand about 1 sentence out of each chapter. What the hell is she talking about????? I'm a girl because I have a vagina. Why isn't that good enough?

If any of you are male or female for ANY OTHER REASON than the fact that you have a penis or vagina, please let me know. It would help me out greatly. (and yes, I do know several transgender/transexual people, and no, they can't clear this up either).

Stay out of the snow, but go to class,
Stacia

Christmas update

or, it's been enough time, I can finally discuss it.

But, before that, I am so excited because I am going to go visit my cousin Amanda in a couple of weeks. I can't wait to see her (oh, yeah, my other family too!). We haven't seen each other in ages, and there's always other people around. Maybe we'll get some girl time to just talk and bitch about relationships.

Ok, back to Christmas. First, the good stuff. My nephew, Phoenix, is amazing. He's 16 months old, and it was absolutely mind-boggling what he learned in just the one week I visited. When I got there, he could walk, but looked a little like I used to on Saturday night (when I used to have a social life). He ALWAYS crawled to a wall to stand up. By the end of the week, he was trying (unsuccessfully) to RUN! And, the last day I was there, the little man tried to stand up in the MIDDLE OF THE ROOM! I don't think he even knew he hadn't crawled to a wall. He fell right away, but just the fact that he tried amazed me. He is starting to look like a little boy, but he's only 28 inches tall. Corinne is very short, and Craig isn't that tall for a guy, so Phoenix might be doomed to shortdom. But he'll be very cute. His hair is a silver-blond, and he has Corinne's grey eyes. I was really hoping he would get Craig's beautiful sea-blue eyes, but doesn't look like it. He can do a number of other baby things, and he has dimples. He's just really cute, but a little fussy (much like my brother at that age). Just wish I saw him more often.

As for gifts, I made out all right. I got a DVD player and hopefully, if mom and dad shipped when they said they did, I'll get it before this weekend. I got four cookbooks, and two other books to boot, so my luggage coming home was very heavy! Camille got me a beautiful photo-album. I'm going to put my Germany (Summer 2003) pictures in it, probably tonight. My aunt made me this denim purse which would be great if 1) I was 10, 2) it was the 80's, or 3) I was white trash. But none of these is true. And by denim, I mean she cut a pair of jeans at the crotch and made the top half a purse, complete with red bandana belt and straps! I told my parents not to bother to ship that. Overall I was very happy with my gifts.

Other delightful Christmas news: My sister's boyfriend got her a ring for Christmas. I guess he got it just because "he loves me." Now, I am of the opinion of my cousin, who stated that promise rings are like putting your girlfriend on layaway. And my sister is barely 18, and they have been dating less than 6 months. So, like my parents, I was not too pleased about this gift. But, I do like her boyfriend, and it was a beautiful ring. I kept my opinion to myself (and for those of you who know me, you know that was hard to do!). Andrea's man finally proposed. Their anniversary is on January 1st, and last year (their third anniversary) she gave him a one year ultimatum about proposing. He may have waited until the last minute, but he bought the ring before she gave him the ultimatum. He said every time he planned to propose, something happened. The ring is beautiful. Andrea is happy. EXCEPT, she is convinced Wes and I are dating. Which we are not. She can believe what she wants. Neither Wes nor I is willing to do the long distance thing.

Finally, when I got home, there were 5 hang up calls on my answering machine from a blocked call. Anyone want to venture any guesses? Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know who it was, and all I can say, I'm glad he hasn't called since I've been home.

that's it, thanks for stopping by, have a great year,
Stacia

New Year Resolutions

Yes, I do resolutions every year. I also do 10 year goals, 5 year goals and 1 year goals. I guess I know where I want to go and what I need to do to get there. Just want to stay focused.

New Year Resolutions:

To pray more consistently for my family and friends: for their physical and emotional safety and well-being and for healing of wounds and relationships.

To practice piano for at least 15 minutes a day.

To read my Russian Bible every day. And to also read a Russian newspaper every day.

To read German for 15 minutes everyday.

To swim three times a week and do my back exercises twice a week.

To cook a new meal at least once a week (I got 4 new cookbooks for Christmas).

To write my Grandparents at least once a month.

To start my Russian baby fund.

To attend a musical event at the university once a month (hey, it's cheap and I'll kick myself later if I don't).

One year goals:

Take (and pass) my preliminaries!
Spend the summer in Russia, and become much more fluent in Russian.
Get my dissertation proposal approved.
Apply for research funding.

Five year goals:

Graduate with my Ph.D. in Modern European History, emphasis on Russia/USSR history, and European Jewry.
Adopt first Russian baby.

These two goals moved this year, from 10 years to 5, and this is the first time they have seemed to be in reach, and not just some far off dream. That's kind of scary.

Visit 5 countries I've never visited before, not in North America (I'm going to be in Russia at least a year, so this shouldn't be that hard to accomplish).
Visit Canada.
Visit at least two states in the USA I've never visited before.

Ten year goals:

Have tenture somewhere I actually want to live and work.
Own a house.
Adopt second baby.
Visit 2 more foreign countries.
Visit 2 more states in the USA.

Just so you all know, I want to visit everywhere before I die (and yes, I do mean everywhere!).

I think that's about it. I should probably resolve to spend more time on myself and less on school, but this is really the final stretch, so I can wait.

hope everyone has a wonderful new year!

Stacia

I'm back!

Well, I'd love to give an update on the family and Christmas and all that good stuff. I'd also love to be on my way to Minneapolis to spend the New Year with my cousins. Instead, I have such a bad headache that I'm sick to my stomach. I don't think I could drive to the store for milk, much less the almost 4 hours to the cities. I'm sure it's just from exhaustion and from sitting in a plane/airport all day yesterday. Why do the two best holidays have to be so close together? I'm going to go take a nap, and maybe I'll update later.

Although, on the student note, I failed two students, but most of them did really well.

Stacia

It is finished. . . .kind of

Well, I just finished printing out paper #5. So now I just need to turn in paper #4 and #5. I also have one oral exam today that I feel like I have not studied for at all. And I'm still receiving
e-mails from students about their grades that go something like this: I know you're really busy and I don't want to argue with you, but just because I have no thesis, make no argument, my paper reads like a 4th grade book report and I used no additional sources, why did you give me such a low grade? Why don't you go back and re-read your e-mail. My professor has the flu, so I may be proctoring the final by myself. We'll see. But at least the end is in sight.

This morning I cleaned my bathroom and I have started little piles of stuff I need to take with me to Dallas. I made little loaves of bread as gifts for a few people, like my friend Beth who is driving me to the airport at 4:30 tomorrow morning. She and her husband, Ryo, asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her nothing, that if they wanted to get me something to donate to a charity or something. I just received a card stating they had made a donation to World Vision, which works with kids all over the world. Isn't that just the nicest thing! I'm lucky to have friends like that.

Well, I suppose I should make sure I have everything I need before I leave. I have to run a few errands before my final. I'm very excited about going home and seeing everyone. Oh, I almost forgot, yesterday I met with the professor I'm TAing for next semester, and she wants me to give the lecture on the Russian Revolutions (yes, there were two) of 1917! That's very exciting.

ok, I hope everyone is doing well, is getting lots of sleep, has finished their shopping (I haven't even started) and that life in general is just good.
Stacia

Too much to do

By this time Wednesday, I will be sitting on a plane, heading towards the North. Yea, my parents live in Dallas, but for some reason I have to fly to Detroit to get there. That's ok, I like the Detroit airport more than Chicago or Minneapolis. So I'm trying to finish all my school stuff and all the stuff I need to go back to Dallas. The family got together last night and decorated the tree. Normally they would have waited for me, except for the fact that I'm coming in so late. To cheer myself up, I think about where the tree is, and decorating it and the lights and the food in the kitchen and all that. And then I remember: mom and dad moved. This is what's so strange. I wasn't attached to the old house; actually thought it was a bad lay-out, but at least I could imagine my family doing stuff in it. At the new house, well, I've never been there. Mom feels bad, because she'll make a comment about where the tree is, or the guest bedroom (which I apparently will have to fight with my sister for), and then she's like, oh, I forgot, you've never seen the house. I actually had a dream that I couldn't find a bathroom for the entire week I was there. When I told mom, she promised to show me all the bathrooms as soon as I get there. And then, they don't have my Christmas stocking. Which means it's in my basement storage unit somewhere and I have to find time to pull it out before I leave. Yes, our stockings are very big deals in my family. My grandmere knit them the year Elise was born (she actually fit in hers), so they have our names on them and they are HUGE! I think I'm going to have to have two check-on pieces of luggage: between clothes, Francesca's afghan and those final exam's, one just isn't going to cut it. (someone please explain to me why I chose the prettiest afghan that my grandma had to give to my best friend's baby? Now, when I get my Russian babies, they're going to have an olive green afghan). But at least I will get to see my family soon.

So that just leaves these two papers that are due tomorrow and the final I have tomorrow. Yesterday I managed to type up 10 pages of the one paper. It's supposed to be between 15 and 20 pages, so it shouldn't take me more than another 2 hours to finish. I could have finished it yesterday, but for some reason I thrive on stress, so I goofed off a lot. I haven't started typing up the other paper, it's supposed to be 5 to 6 pages, but I do have good notes about what I want to write. I just don't know if it'll be 5 to 6 pages. Today I have to meet with the professor I'm TAing for next semester: I meet with one final student about his paper: and I have a Christmas party to go to tonight. Tomorrow, I will go swimming at noon, treat myself to a good lunch at Chin's and then have my final oral exam for Prof. Hirsch (to whom I owe the 5 to 6 page paper), then I'll turn in the 15 to 20 page paper, then sit through the final exam. Go home, pack, try to clean the apartment. And somewhere in between I need to go to the post office, and pick up some birth control pills (even though I really don't need them for anything).

ok, I should get started,
Stacia

More complaints

Today I had the fun experience of asking a student to leave my office. The student didn't agree with my reasoning for giving him the grade he received. You know what, I don't give a flying rat's ass what you think about the reasons I gave you a low grade. The fact is I'm your TA, and I'm grading your final exam, and I get to decide what your grade for the entire semester is. Maybe you should have thought of that before you highly pissed me off. And while I appreciate the apology you sent, you still crossed the line.

So, even though I have my own papers I need to write and a final to study for, this is one of night's when I wish someone was here. I wish there was someone to give me a giant hug and just hold me until I quit shaking. Someone to listen to me gripe about how much this pissed me off. About how I hate to have my competency questioned, especially by some kid who doesn't know half the stuff I knew when I was in high-school. Someone to make me laugh. Someone to make me tea. Someone to rub the tension out of my shoulders. Someone to make love to me until I forgot all the shit with the students this week. Until I forgot I have two papers to write and a final to study for. Until I forgot his name, my name and everything else I know. I would still know more than that little shit student though!

Stacia

Complaints

Well, I expected a few people to be upset about their paper grades, but this is ridiculous. Especially since I told them to re-read the assignment, their papers and then my comments before they complained. If this is how fast they read their sources, that might be one of the problems. Someone actually e-mailed me complaining about his grade, stating he would be willing to accept it, but he wants to know why he got that grade. I had criticized the way he used his source, and he said that wasn't fair because I told him he could use that source. Does anyone else see a problem with this statement? Then he ended the e-mail, and I am not making this up, by complaining that now he had to really study for the final. I sent him an e-mail back explaining that if he had been in class when I handed the papers back, he might not have those questions since I discussed for 10 minutes why all the papers sucked and how they sucked. So, I'm just trying to concentrate on the two papers I have to write that are due on Tuesday and not on that fact that I now want to kill several of my students.

ok, gotta get to those papers,
Stacia

How to destroy young minds.

Today I handed papers back. Well, first, I told my students how great a semester it was for me, and how much I appreciated them making this a great semester for me. Then I gave them candy canes. Then we talked about the collapse of the USSR. Then I told them their papers sucked, and for 10 minutes told them why their papers sucked. Then I gave the papers back and said good-bye. It was a little hard, but I wouldn't have given F's, D's and multiple C's if they didn't deserve them. After one of my classes, one of my students, who hasn't done any work this semester, I mean, none, shows up. He didn't turn in the paper that was due last week and worth 20% of his grade. He starts by telling me it would be an insult to both me and him if he pretended that he worked hard this semester. Then he wants to know, even though he knows I can't give him a grade, if I could read his paper and tell him if its a good history paper. He had finished the paper in time, but not the bibliography, so that's why he didn't turn it in, show up to class or e-mail me or the professor. What was that about not insulting me? But, you know, he doesn't expect a grade. So I tell him "It's the end of the semester. I have papers I have to write. If you are really concerned about whether its a good paper, e-mail it to me in January, and I'll read it then." Don't think that's the answer he was looking for. He should have written the damn paper.

So, tonight I will relax, because the rest of the week until Tuesday is going to be crazy with writing papers, studying for finals, trying to get my apartment clean, packing, buying Christmas presents, and meeting with students unhappy with their paper grades. Of course, I did tell them that if they contest their paper grade, I do reserve the right to lower their grade. Yea, I'm a bitch!

Stacia

Three down. . . and how to write a paper

Three papers down, two more to go. I also graded 70 papers this weekend. Some were really, really good. But most of them were not. Apparently, the USA education system sucks. And when students ask you what kind of style you want (Chicago, ect.) they really mean, "show us how to do this, because we will not take the web-page you offered and look it up for ourselves because we really don't care." And it shows. I still have a lot of reading to do tonight, so I will not drone on about how bad the papers are, but, and I never knew this, the USSR collapsed because women were not provided with feminine sanitary items. You learn something new everyday.

Stacia

Two down

Ok, I just e-mailed my professor that second paper that was due (it's the last paper for him) so I only have 3 papers left. One of them is due on Tuesday, and my professor (God bless her) gave me an extension for one of my papers until the 21st (it was due last Tuesday). I am her TA, so she knows I'm also grading 70 papers this week (might only be 69, one student didn't turn one in). I haven't even looked at them yet. I'm a little scared to. But I'm getting my hair done today, and my eyebrow waxed (it'll be eyebrows after the wax), so then I will feel pretty and like I can conquer anything! This weekend is busy, but good and it's almost over and then I can go home and see Phoenix. Mom said he's taking 2 or 3 steps but then gets so excited that he is walking that he does a face plant. Like she said, it might actually be best if hasn't got walking down until the tree is gone.

Had a great talk with Wes this week. I feel much better about the situation. He's not necessarily looking for anything now, he just wants me to keep my mind open to the possibility that something could happen in the future. I can live with that.

ok, I should get some reading done and maybe one or two papers graded before I go get beautiful.

Have a great weekend,
Stacia

Longings of various shades: black

Black, like your hair: thick and curly. Looking good short or long. Above your black eyes and dimples, which made you look more like a little boy than a man. And I still wonder, after all these years (4 1/2 since we broke up) why couldn't you get your shit together? Not for me, not even for us, but for yourself. You thought I was everything and I thought you were everything. If I was everything to you, and I thought you were everything, why didn't you think you were everything to you? You wanted to be my knight in shining armor. But it was your own demons you couldn't save me from. I don't want you back. I just want you to be happy. I want this hole in life to go away. But no matter how good anything looks, it still doesn't look like you.

Stacia: not a damsel in distress

To do list

Ok, I was just thinking of everything I have to do before next Tuesday, and thought I better write this down. And what better place than on my blog, because I know I won't accidentally throw this away.

Day by day:
I just realized I haven't read for the class I'm TAing and those sections are tomorrow.
I'm going swimming tonight (stress reducer). I have three classes today and I'm meeting with three students.
Tomorrow (Wed.): Four discussion sections. Get 60 papers from my kids: they must be graded in a week. TA training from 5:30 to 7:30p.
Thursday: study group for final exam for USSR history. This is an oral exam. Two classes.
Going swimming.
Friday: Have to e-mail out topic of response paper for my kids. This means I have to have read about 200 pages for them. Hair appointment in the morning. Paper due on Friday afternoon, and pre-lim study group. TA training from 4:00 to 5:30p.
Saturday: Volunteer at the museum. Christmas party. Hanukkah party.
Sunday: church.
Monday: dentist appointment.
Tuesday: two papers due, plus having read over 200 pages for one of my classes. One of these papers is only using Russian language sources. I have three classes today.
Wednesday: give papers back to students. Study section for final exam for them. Set up office appointments with kids unhappy with their paper grades.

And then, nothing until my 15 page paper is due on Tuesday and my final oral exam and I don't know when that will be. The kids take their finals on that Tues. at 5:00p and then I fly home the next day, grading their exams on the plane.

Actually, after writing it all down, it doesn't look bad. Hope everyone else's looks even better.

Stacia

Responses

Ok, Camille answered and my cousin Amanda e-mailed me her suggestions and questions.

Here's Amanda's:

Movie: Frida
Book: The Bluest Eyes or Paradise by Toni Morrison. I have not read either, but they are both on my list of books I absolutely need to read.
Music: Buena Vista Social Club Presents: Omara Portuendo

Questions
1. Do you think that the social downfall of society is linked, whether directly or indirectly to the invention of electricity? Yes. I think all innovations or progressive inventions have the capacity to take us backwards as well as forwards. I still think the good outweighs the bad.

2. What do people dream of, if they have been blind since conception? They dream of colors.

3. What is my favorite color? Blue makes me feel comforted, red makes me feel powerful.

Here's Camille's

Movie: Mystic River
Book: Geisha Diaries, another one that's on my list to read (it's a very long list)
Music: Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" I'm assuming you wouldn't have recommended this if you were using your real name!

Questions
1. What will I name my Russian babies, or will they keep their own names?
I depends on how old they are when I adopt them. I would like to name my little boy after my grandpa, but I want the kids to have Russian names, so I was thinking of Weston Vasily. For a girl's name, I like Katiana.

2. If I hadn't invested all this time in this line of study (Russian/USSR history for those of you who are dense), what do I think I would have liked to do instead? Either working for a international humanitarian group with kids or a photojournalist.

3. What unfulfilled fantasy do I still hope for? Sad to say, but the first thing I thought was Charley. I guess old hopes die hard. The second fantasy was my library fantasy. I'll spare you the details!

ok, I'll be more than happy to take any more suggestions/questions. Now, back to papers # 2 and 3.

Stacia

One down. . . .

Ok, one paper down, four more to go. One of the four is for a pre-lim study group I'm in, so I think I may ask the professor if maybe I could give him topic suggestions, historiography trends, that sort of thing, rather than writing a paper. I'm not getting credit for this, although it does mean that when I take my prelims, this particular professor will make sure there is only one hoop and that it will not be on fire.

Meanwhile, I have only sneezed about 500 times this morning. I know I need to dust my apartment, but I don't think that's why I'm sneezing (I always need to dust my apartment). This really is not a good time to come down with something. I'm supposed to go out with friends tomorrow afternoon to some Christmas around the square thing. So we'll be outside all day. And I don't want to get chubs sick, since he's just a kid (and a very cute one at that). Hopefully whatever it is will miraculously disappear. Or maybe I'll just scare it away with all the homework today. I'm already drinking my second pot of green tea (from Japan).

Finally, I stole this from Kymmie's blog, as instructed, so here goes. I don't really know how many people read my blog, and not really sure if I want to know, but it might be interesting.

A) Recommend to me
1. A movie
2. A book (if you recommend one I've already read, I'm going to ask for another recommendation).
3. A musical artist, a song, or an album
B) Ask me three questions
C) put this on your blog.

ok, I have about 1,000 pages I need to read today, and the other 4 papers I need to work on. Everyone have a great weekend.

Stacia

chto chto?

For those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, here is the web page for the summer program I am hoping to attend this coming up summer (hence the name, summer program). www.actr.org I would want to go to St. Pete's only because I've only spent a couple of weekends there. I've spent much more time in Moscow. However, Elena, Illona, Alexi and Anna all live in Moscow, but they all love to visit St. Pete's. I would have to visit Moscow though, just to see Elena's mom. I am also applying for funding, because I really don't want to use my Russian baby fund for this trip. And, also for those of you who find my life endlessly fascinating, you need to get out more!

Ok, I need to mull over this Wes issue. He is currently out at sea and will call me when he returns and I promised him we would talk about whatever it is he wants to talk about when he gets back. So, Camille grilled about this situation yesterday, which is why she is my best friend. After numerous disastrous relationships, she knows better than to trust my judgment. These are the issues we decided we wanted clarification about. 1. What are your intents? 2. What is your time-line? 3. Are you willing to have an open relationship if it will be a long-distance relationship? 4. Why now? 5. Are you willing to have a sexless relationship until further notice? 6. How to you intend to address the long-distance issue? See, I've never, ever really looked at Wes as relationship material. Sorry babe, but you're not known for your fidelity (not that I am either, but we're not talking about me). And since I know a lot about Wes, it makes me question motivation. But, at the same time, since we are such good friends, why is he willing to put that on the line? We are highly compatible, but I don't love Wes. I think I could, and to me compatibility is much more important than immediate chemistry. To me, immediate chemistry is not love, it is a one night stand, or a steady bed buddy, nothing more. I don't want to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to feel like I'm settling. I don't want Wes to settle. I also just don't think this is good timing. I just really don't see myself with anyone for at least 5 years. I'm happy being alone, and that's just really the way I view my future. It's just me, my house, and my two Russian babies. A garden in the back, maybe a cat and/or dog, but I don't really see a man until after that point (Which when I think about it, might actually be 10 years). And, sorry to say it Wes, I am not sexually attracted to you. Maybe it's because we've been friends so long. That is just not there. And I can't even think about it.
But the fact that I'm even considering something with Wes is freaking me out.

Alright, I am going to forget about the whole situation until I have to think about it again. I have 5 papers to write. Like I said, endless fascination.

Stacia

Vanilla

Funny story about Grandma and it explains so much. Some commercial came on TV, I think for ice-cream, maybe pudding, I don't remember, and it doesn't really matter. Grandma must have had whatever it was and asked if I wanted any. I asked what flavor, and the answer was vanilla. "We only buy vanilla. If we want something on it, we'll put it on it, but we're really vanilla people." You don't say!

Stacia

Thankful to be home

I am home! Thank God! I love my family, but it's always good to be home.
I actually had a great time at my grandparents. The weather driving out there was beautiful. My cousin Shante and her husband Andy were there. I've always liked Shante and Andy is just a nice guy. My other cousin Creed and his girlfriend Angie and their beautiful baby Ashley Berlyn also came for thanksgiving dinner. It's so nice to find out that not only do you love your family, but you really, really like them and consider them friends and wish you could see them more. The baby is sooooo cute. Huge, chubby cheeks. Big blue eyes. Looks just like her mom. But with her parents, she was bound to be cute. So the weekend went well. Except for the speeding ticket I got less than an hour from my grandparents house. But the state trooper was cool, because he could have also added the fact that my correct address on my driver's license.

But I am thankful for my family, thankful that we all love each other and get along so well. I am thankful for my friends, especially Camille, who has been my friend forever. I am thankful for my overseas friends, Nane, Peter, and Elena. I am thankful for Amanda, Andrea, Wes, and Tonya. I have so many people I can turn to whenever I need anything. I hope they all know I would do anything for them too.

I am thankful that I am in school and that I have the opportunity to travel, and learn and meet new people. I am thankful that I can follow my goals and dreams.

I am thankful,
Stacia

Longing in various shades: blue

Longing for the blue sweater, your blue sweater, that swallowed me up the way you wanted to swallow my mind and soul. It hugged me the way you did, loose and heavy, both at the same time. Yet after I took it off, we had to make sure none of my hair was on it, in case she found it.
And under the moon, at the castle, on a hill, in the rain, in Germany, drinking beer and eating pringles, talking about philosophy, history, literature, life, love, and distance.
Holding hands like little children, but never going beyond. Like if we started we would never be able to let go of each other. And you had someone waiting for you at home, and I guess I did too. And those words on our final night, "you can fall in love in 3 weeks" but can you?
It's been one and a half year, and now your e-mails are signed by her and you.
But every now and then, I get an e-mail, telling me you miss the beer and pringles, and our walks, our talks, the rain, the hill, the castle, and the shooting star we wished on. And you promise me hugs and tell me no one is good enough, but you don't want me to be lonely either. And I pull out my favorite picture, the one where I'm wearing your blue sweater, and we look like we belong to each other and maybe you were right about only needing 3 weeks.
Stacia

Rainbow halos

Note to self: don't forget goggles when you swim laps. Everything stills looks foggy.
Same common complaint: got lots of homework done, but it's never enough. I'm polishing my Zionism paper, the one I've been working on since I became an adult. Ok, maybe not that long, but at least a year. Next semester I might be on a discussion panel discussing Jews and institutions. I really don't know what that means, but it'll look good on my CV. (could someone please tell me the difference between a CV and a resume?).

All this stuff with Phoenix is making me think about parents and their roles in kids lives. Even though I have a great adoptive dad, I know I still wonder why my biological didn't want me. And I know he would never phrase it that way, but actions are actions. At this point, I don't care about him, I have a great dad, one who probably did a better job than the biological one would have done. But, I do have 2 half-sisters who don't even know I exist. They are still teenagers, and it saddens me to say, I don't remember both their names and I don't know their birthdays, or how old they are exactly. I don't want them to find out they have a much older sister and think I never thought about them. But being a teenager is hard enough without finding out you have a sister. I should write to their mother, who is no longer married to my biological father. But she is the one who kept them from me to begin with. I don't know what to do. I guess I'll just fade, and who knows, they may never find out about me.

The weather was just on. Apparently the first chance, and only chance, of snow in the next week is on Wednesday: the day I'm driving 7 1/2 hours to visit my grandparents. Great.

Well, I suppose I should get some sleep so I can get up and do more homework. Oh, could life get any more fun.

Stacia

Phoenix Update

Craig had court today, and it went a lot better than it could have, but mom and Craig were a little unhappy. Corinne was granted temporary joint custody, with primary placement with Craig. However, this is only for two months and she does have to follow certain criteria. Since she told the judge she had used drugs in the last 10 days, she did not have to take a drug test today, but she will have to take one every two weeks. She can only have supervised visits with Phoenix. If her mom is not present at these visits, her mom will go to jail. She has to finish high school (at an at risk school) and she has to apply to cosmotology school. The lawyer told my brother that this judge usually gives the parent enough rope to hang themselves. So, if she doesn't show for the drug test, or doesn't even show for visitation, she is screwing herself over. She's been talking about finishing school and going to cosmotology school for 2 years, so we're not holding our breathes there. Overall, I think Craig will end up with what he asked for. The judge did not award any child support either. Corinne's lawyer told Craig's lawyer that Corinne has a terrible attitude and the only reason he is representing her is because her mom is paying him. I think it will be good in the end. And the judge is right, Phoenix needs to have a relationship with both parents. It just remains to be seen if Corinne wants that.

Otherwise, that is it. Lots of homework. I can't wait for Christmas.

Stacia

Andrea

I called Andrea last night, and maybe I should give some background information on everyone. I met Andrea as a sophomore in highschool. We are almost total opposites personality wise, but we enjoy many of the same things. She is an only child, and she is very aware that she is high maintenance (her words, not mine). I also met Wes at the same time. Wes and Andrea were already friends. Andrea and I both had highschool crushes on Wes. Wes and I are very compatible personality wise, and Andrea always kind of thought I "stole" Wes and his friendship away from her, even though they remain friends. This is where the complication sets in: Andrea is in a serious relationship right now, and she thinks that Wes is only interested in me since he can't have her. They too had a previous relationship similar to Wes's and mine. This is the thing, Wes does view Andrea as one of those weird, "good-girl" that got away, but ever since highschool, he has been aware that we are more compatible. So if I know this, why does it upset me that Andrea doesn't. I know that on the one hand, she needs to think this for her ego. She doesn't get hit on very often, and she's about to break up with her guy because he won't propose, and it's been 4 years. On the other hand, I don't want her insinuating for the rest of our lives that Wes settled for me because she wasn't available (she wouldn't date Wes anyway). Which brings me to another issue, why do I even care? This scares me even more, because it means I'm thinking about this on some level. I'm just going to ignore this, and maybe it will all go away. I need to concentrate on the end of the semester. And since Wes is in CA right now, it's not like I have to deal with it. He might not even call me again for another month or so. I'm sure he means what he said, but, he's not going to back it up with more words or actions. He's just too far away. (I should also add that Wes introduced me to Charley, my ex-fiance).

Alright, I have a ton of homework, because my grandma asked if I could stay for an extra day at Thanksgiving, and I know that when she dies, I'm not going to wish I had done that extra day of homework.

Stacia

Wes

My friend Wes called me last night. Since he's in the navy, I only hear from him when he's not out to sea, which sometimes means, I only hear from him once or twice a year. So it's always nice to hear from him. We've been friends for 16 years now. A very long time. And though we sometimes have lost touch, we always find each other again. We have a very comfortable relationship, somewhat built upon the fact that Wes always talks like he wants to get with me. I should add, he always acts like a gentleman when I actually get to see him. But we talk about everything, including the women he picks up and what they do, and even though he's always joking that he wants to get with me, we have never, ever in 16 years really talked about our feelings for each other. So it threw me for a complete loop when yesterday, as we're about to say good-bye, Wes tells me that he misses me. And that he wants to see me again. And that he loves talking to me, and feels comfortable talking to me, in a way he doesn't feel with anyone else. And he was serious. And my stomach did a flip-flop. Was that just because I haven't heard a man, any man, say those things in such a long time? Or was it Wes saying those things? I don't know if I want to know the answer.

Stacia

Desire

I want a man to look at me like he has never seen a woman before. I want a man to smile at me as if he had never had a reason to smile before. I want a man to touch me as if he had never touched a woman before and he wants to discover everything about me. I want a man to touch me like he is trying to discover himself in me. I want a man to go beyond making love to me, to create love with me, with more intensity and desire. I want to make a man feel like I am air, food, and life and without me, there is nothing. I want to make a man feel like he is my air, food and life and without him, I have nothing. I want to become so tangled up, that I am unable to recognize whose limbs belong to whom. I want to become so tangled up, that mine belong to him, and his to me. I want discover myself in a man. I want to feel so intensely that I forget my name, his name, time, place, life itself. I want a man to see me so clearly, that he names me. I want a man to kiss every inch of my body, in adoration of the gift I give him. I want to return that gift. I want a man who is willing to not only enter my body, but also enter my soul. I want a man who makes me want to let him into my body and my soul. I want to desire.

Congratulations

I'm happy to write that my friend Tiffany is indeed pregnant. And there's only one. Tiffany had been trying to get pregnant for more than 2 years. There was nothing wrong with neither her nor her husband, she just wasn't getting pregnant. So she did those shots, and released like 15 eggs at once. She still didn't get pregnant. That was really, really hard. They did the shots again, and this time they worked (hence the comment about there only being one; she released 20 eggs this time). She was so happy when I asked and she could finally say yes. She went to the doctor yesterday, and got to hear the heartbeat. The doctor said everything looks good so far. They're going to make great parents. I'm so happy for them both. And I'm not giving her Camille's blog page because then she may despair that she finally got pregnant (it's almost over Camille, kind of).

On a sadder note, my friend Andrea called me the other night, and after 38 years of marriage, her mother has filed for divorce. After they retired, it became obvious that her dad was an alcoholic and he was very verbally abusive. Her mom tried to cope with this situation for more than 2 years, but finally had enough. At this point, the divorce is on hold for 30 days, but Andrea really doesn't have any hope that her dad will get his stuff together. While she doesn't want her parents to get divorced, she does want her parents to be happy, and under the circumstances, her mom is very miserable. Like Andrea, I hope they can work things out, but I don't think her dad has hit rock bottom yet. So, lots of hugs and prayers to Andrea and her parents.

ok, nothing else exciting is happening. Just trying to keep up with homework. Giving a map quiz today and I don't have a copy of the map to grade them with. I'm sure I'll figure something out. I have a presentation tomorrow that I should work on today. For the most part, this semester has stabilized, and that is actually a good thing.

hope everyone else has a great day,
Stacia

Good Phoenix News

I don't know how much my brother is paying his lawyer, but apparently he is worth it! My brother saw the lawyer on Monday night: Corinne got served on Saturday. And, there's a temporary restraining order until the court date, which according to the lawyer should be within two weeks. Corinne called my brother and cussed him out. And then her mom called my mom and wanted to know why Craig was doing this. I think they both thought that they could do whatever they wanted and then when they decided they wanted Phoenix, Craig would just hand him over. Whatever. And Corinne's mom promised my brother that she would always be present when Phoenix was over there, since we know Corinne is doing drugs again. When Craig went to go pick Phoenix up on Saturday, she wasn't there. Corinne was asleep (as you can see, she highly values her time with her son) and her 16 year old sister (who's doing drugs too) was watching Phoenix. I hope everything goes well and quickly.

Other strange news, Friday I went out with some friends from the museum and got chatting with someone who knows my crush better then most. Since it was her going away party, I thought I'd ask about him. I was informed that since he turned me down, I had really managed to dodge the bullet. Apparently he has a victim mentality and is very passive/aggressive. This is totally not the impression I get of him, but I don't know him very well. And of course, if hell actually froze over and he asked me out, I would still go. It's been a while.

Overall, a very good weekend. Got a ton of homework done, and some cleaning. Will finish the cleaning today. The weather was beautiful, although I didn't get outside a whole bunch. I guess I should get started on today.

Stacia

Thank you Amanda

Thank you Amanda, for explaining it how it is and not being ashamed of the truth or who you are. Thank you for demanding that people around you do the same. Thank you for knowing who you are, and revelling in that. Thank you for not always knowing, and being able to admit it. Thank you for being able to admit when you're hurt, confused, upset, depressed, happy, excited and horny. Thank you for remiding me that a women can be strong and weak at the same time. But most of all, thank you for making me laugh. you're the one person who constantly reminds me what it's like to be real.

Stacia

missing you

how do you miss someone you've never known? how do you know someone inside and out, without actually having met them? how do I know that when I meet you, I will know who you are? How do I know that you really exist? That you're looking for the same thing I am? How do I know that even tonight you're looking for me? How do I know you haven't given up hope, like I have?

Blah

Something about this crappy-ass weather. And that fact that it's already practically dark. And I have more homework to do then I could possibly finish in two years. And when I tell people I have a social get together, it consists of a study group meeting for coffee or beer (there are some subjects that make more sense when you're under the influence). But I just feel blah. I just want to curl up, with a gorgeous, intelligent, funny, understanding, caring, employed man, in front of a fire and cuddle, and have really hot, sweaty, repetitive, beautiful, animalistic sex. And then take a nap and do it all over again. Never mind that I don't have a man, or a fireplace. I especially don't have the time. Oh well, I guess that's why there's Cosmo.

Stacia

Voting

Well, I went out and voted. And I voted for a candidate I wouldn't normally vote for. But I was not struck by lightening and the earth did not explode, so I guess it's ok. I really do feel like either one would be ok, in that neither one will be able to deliver what they promise. Oh, such hope for America! I'm just glad it will be "over" tomorrow. At least for us normal people.

I'm so tired of dreaming about the Revolution. Thank God I give the mid-terms back to the students tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to e-mail the professor the grades.

stacia

Nightmares of mid-terms

So I finally finished grading the sixty-something mid-terms. Except there are a few I need to go back over. And I need to figure out if there should be a curve (I don't think so). E-mail the professor to figure out whether I need to convert these into letter grades, or can just leave them as points. Type up the rules of dispute, in case anyone doesn't like their grade. And give them back.

I've had nightmares about Lenin and the Revolutions for three days straight now. Not very good sleeping. And then all this election crap. I can't wait for it to be over. I guess because I study history I take my responsibility to vote very seriously and since this year we get to choose between crap and crap I just don't feel that good about it. But I am voting. I printed out the political platforms for both parties and compared. And I now know who I am voting for. It's not my usual party. But, honestly, I don't even really care who wins.

Charley showed up in my dream last night. And he was here in Madison, in my dream. He wanted to know, one last time if there was a chance of us getting back together. He was going to get married, but had to know about us first. And I looked at him, said no, turned away, and didn't look back. He got on the phone with the other and called her the pet names he used to call me. And I felt. . . pity, for her. And nothing else.

I have to go read about Stalin's terror and the inequality between the races in America. No wonder I'm so cynical.

Stacia, feeling wet, cold, and tired

Mirrors

I saw you today, and you reminded me why my students are only little boys. It was a nice reminder. You make me wonder, if it were another time, another place and you were someone else, and I, I will always be I, no matter what. But under those conditions, would you be more willing, more able, more open, just more? I can make you whatever you want to be. I can take you to any other time or place. But I, I will always remain I. Place me in a house of mirrors and each reflection will be different, but it will still be I. You may not like some of them, but there must be one or two that you find. That's it, just find. Find mysterious, beautiful, dangerous, thoughtful, intelligent, creative, alive, even dead. I am all here. I am waiting and not waiting. Looking and not looking. Finding and not finding. Living and not living. Hoping and not hoping. What are you doing?

Stacia

Thank you, thank you and thank you!

Today I was observed in class. My advisor came in and sat and watched and took a lot of notes. And my students talked and debated and were brilliant. And my advisor said I'm a natural, that TAing has made me more sure of myself and that I did an excellent job. Wonderful!

And then, I got my student evaluations back. They were great, excellent, wonderful. They have been typed up so I don't know who wrote what. On the grading scale, out of 5, I got 4.27. So, here's some of my favorite comments:

In response to the following question, How well does your discussion section provide an environment that encourage your participation?

Warm like a peat-stove in the height of winter.

How well does your TA answer questions and clarify concepts relating to the course?

She obviously have a wide body of knowledge of the material.
She seems very knowledgeable.
She explains things beautifully.

Please comment of the principle strengths of your TA and on ways your TA could improve?

Her knowledge and passion for the topic are definitely her strengths. She's a fine TA, no real weaknesses.
She is down to earth - not intimidating at all, educated.
She always does a great job guiding discussion and encouraging participation.
No complaints. Her strengths are her organization. No detectable weakness.
Principle strengths: Honesty, great attitude, friendly and well versed in Soviet history, a good TA.

How well does the TA arouse your interest in the course and stimulate your thinking?

Discussion is never boring.
Very passionate and involved with course work/topic.
She does a great job to provoke thinking.
And my absolute favorite:
I have been aroused and stimulated during discussion.
I don't remember doing that, but you are welcome!

Stacia

Little Boys

Alright, perhaps I should start by saying I am thirty: THIRTY years old. I should not find any of my students even slightly attractive in any way, except maybe maternal. I mean, they are ten years younger than me. They are children. They are little boys. However, I realized I have a huge problem today, when my advisor mentioned one of my students, I blushed. Me, blushed. How often does that ever happen (never). He wore a really tight t-shirt today, and I do have to say: damn, damn, damn. Damn, DAMN!!!!! And I think he was wearing cologne. I'm sure it was for a girlfriend, somewhere, who is closer to his age. And probably doesn't know jack in bed. I could teach him so much more than USSR history. So we're being lectured about the millions upon millions of people that Stalin arrested, imprisoned, used as slave labor, shot, starved to death, tortured, ect. and all I can think is: yummy! (as I lick my lips). December cannot get here soon enough.

Stacia

USSR mid-term

The weather here is beautiful, especially considering what the weatherman called for. I've had a lovely, if uneventful weekend, doing lots of homework and some cleaning. And then, I start to grade the mid-terms.

Let's just get one thing straight. The Revolution of 1905 was way more of a Revolution than October 1917. The Revolution of 1905 changed the way Russia had been ruled for 300 years. THREE HUNDRED YEARS!!!!!! To the people of Russia, the October Manifesto was HUGE. And, the revolts, riots and violence lasted until 1907. Until the October Manifesto political parties were illegal in Russia. There was no national, centralized, representative body within the government. The October Manifesto created a constitutional monarchy. HOW IS THIS NOT A REVOLUTION? Just because the Tsar was able to circumvent many of the concessions made, he was unable to undo all of them. And the people became aware that they could force the government into action. The Tsar had shown his weakness. EVERYTHING CHANGED!!!! Just because the people didn't get exactly what they wanted (and really, all they wanted was better working conditions and land, not a parliamentary style government) doesn't mean the revolution failed. I mean, the Bolsheviks promised socialism and instead the people got a wannabe totalitarian system. So did that revolution fail too (ok, the Oct. 1917 Revolution wasn't actually a revolution: the revolution occurred later)?

I feel much better now. But I think I'll grade the rest of these mid-terms later. Sorry for the history lesson.

Stacia

Unbelievable

So I administered the mid-term exams today. They were at 2:30p. At about 1:45p I get an e-mail from a student stating he suffers from depression and the UW mental health system refuses to see him. He got depressed last night, got drunk and passed out. He just didn't think he was up for the mid-term. Well, I can't make that decision. A couple minutes later, he shows up in my office. He reeks, REEKS of alcohol. Like he's been drinking for several weeks straight. After talking to him for a couple of minutes, I realize, he doesn't suffer from depression, he's a drunk. Well, he did show up for the mid-term. It has not been graded yet. I just couldn't believe it.

Stacia

What time is it?

It's midterm time. Papers to write, papers to grade, papers to read. Sometimes I really hate paper. I will be observed next week, and she's coming to my absolutely worse section. These people just stare at me. And they've read the stuff. I don't know what to do. Guess I'll find out next week. Tomorrow I'm giving the mid-term. Then I'm grading them. And this weekend's exciting plans include. . . . .cleaning my apartment after I grade, read, and write.

So I went swimming on Saturday and when I got out of the pool the guy in the lane next to me was so obviously staring at me it was ridiculous. I mean, we're all wearing bathing suits. Although, it's been so long since someone so obviously and unhesitatingly lusted after me, it was kind of nice (would have been nicer if he had been good looking). On the one hand, I think a fling would really help me relax and maybe even attract a long term prospect. On the other hand, I don't even know anyone I would want to have a fling with. There is such an apparent dearth of single men my age in Madison that I'm surprised the city is managing to grow. I know someone whom I'm sure would be more than willing, but I just can't bring myself to do that. It's nothing personal, it's just I don't think you should mess with friends like that. I'm thinking of trying to get a mail-order husband from Russia.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing well and getting plenty of it, or at least as much as they want,
Stacia

Cold

I feel like crap. I hope it's nothing serious, because I have three papers due this week, a presentation to give, and I'm giving mid-terms in the class I'm TAing (which means I'm also grading them). Hopefully it was just the Sunday blues (does that normally include a low-grade fever and swollen lymph nodes?) and I'll be fine today. Just to be on the safe side, I'm not leaving my apartment today!

On a happier note, I was already offered a TA position for next semester. It is an interdisciplinary Russian course (history, literature, economics, ect), sophomore level. It kind of sucks though, because it's a MWF course, which means I have to be on campus EVERY SINGLE DAY! Ok, so that's what it's normally like when you have a job, but I will be taking classes too and I don't study well on campus. I guess I will just have to figure something out. And other good news, my one professor told me my prelim list is way too long and I need to cut it in at least half. Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Like I wanted to read all those books anyway.

My friend Andrea called on Sat. night and left a frantic message. I was at a history seminar dinner (yes, that's the extent of my exciting social life). Since I had just talked to Andrea, I knew this was not good and called her as soon as I got her message. Her parents, who have been married for 37 years, retired last year and moved to Corpus. And apparently her dad is an alcoholic (her mom is boarder-line) and they both appear to be suffering from depression and stupidity. Andrea thinks they'll be divorced within a year. I think if her mom leaves her dad, he'll be dead before the divorce goes through (she does everything for him). So Andrea is understandably upset. And she's also afraid one of them will try to come life with her. I understand her fear and hope neither one of them would.

Well, I have a busy day today, and I have to call my friend Tiffany because today is d-day for her. She will know today if she is pregnant or not. I have been hoping and praying that she is.
On to those three papers,
Stacia

Rape: in Three parts

I'm learning not to look over my shoulder.
and maybe I'll no longer have that dream.
That dream, where I wake up and
You stand at the end of my bed:
With a rifle,
With a baseball bat,
or worse,
nothing but your hands.
Just because I (will be) am (was) your wife
does not give you the right to enter (me).
The sky is dry, the room is dry
The bed is dry, I am dry.
Regardless, just because you (think you) own me:
it is still rape, when you try to enter my (w)hole.
That is not my soul on your hands, but my blood.
I just close my eyes and
tunnel into that part of me that you can never get to.
Besides, I know this will be over very quickly.

Why do you look for me between my legs?
I am not there.
If you want to find me,
look up at the Starry Night,
walk with me in the Garden of Earthly Delights.
Help me collect Stones from a River.
Join with me, as I perform the Rite of Spring,
or let us play in the Leaves of Summer.
Let's dance among the Soot and Stars,
as we look for the Reptile among the Wasteland.
We can chase the Butterflyz after the Lightening Crashes.
We will survive Little Earthquakes,
as you look into my Green Eyes, as I tell you You're not Alone.
Or perhaps I am in A Room of One's Own
pouring over Maps or even drawing my own Map of the World.
You may find me reading King Lear on the Red Carpets
under the Blue Dining Table in the Red Studio.
But you claim I have a Heart of Darkness
So you shoot the Arrow of God at me
as I try to explain that Things Fall Apart.
I made The Promise to always
sing to you a lovesong, but now
that feels like the Dream of a Ridiculous Man.
I thought you were Some Kind of Wonderful and
I wanted to Praise You.
But now I know that was a Terrible lie and
all I feel is Fear as
I am Waiting for the Barbarians.
You make me wish for the Time Before Man.
I feel like a Raw Youth,
and I know that I can be Cruel but I am not The Demons.
All I am looking for is What I loved
among the Crazed and Midnight's Children.
I listen to the Other Voices, Other Rooms and
pray you quit playing these Wicked Games
and just Say Good-bye.

You called me a whore if I wanted it (which was rare).
Worse if I didn't (which was often).
Words of pleasure rarely spoken between us (in the bedroom).
But now I decide:
Whom to spread for
When to spread
Where to spread
How wide to spread
How many to spread for.
And I discover what you were looking for (myself).
And I no longer look to see if you watch me squirm with a pleasure
that you never provided (anyone).
You no longer exist (for me) on me.

Congratulations Amanda!

Amanda, I was so happy to read the news! I hope the tech was right and that everything will be fine and back to normal, and no more blood and no more fear. Being a woman is a bitch. I have one friend who is pregnant and having huge problems with the whole thing (ok, huge is kind of a pun). And another friend who has been trying to get pregnant for more than two years. I just want to tell her to just go adopt already, but it's not my choice. Sometimes people look at me really strangely when I tell them I don't ever want to be pregnant. I want to be a mom. I want to adopt. But I have no desire to have some weird parasite growing in me. I mean, let's face it, my genes are nothing special. But some people seem to think this makes me less of a woman. Whatever! Everyone makes their own choices and has their own reasons for the choices they make. I am no less of a woman just because I don't want to experience pregnancy and childbirth. Good for those women who do, but leave me out of it.
Stacia

Too busy

Well, I guess I knew it would eventually happen. I moved away and eventually I would become less and less important. While my mom still calls every Sunday night, the calls get shorter and shorter. I know a lot is going on with them, moving to a new house, practically raising Phoenix, ect, but it's hard. I had so much stuff I wanted to tell my mom. None of it is too exciting, but it's important to me. Like how my advisor freaked out in lecture the other day when she was being observed. After class she was pretty much crying and I'm just not really good in situations like that, especially since she is in an authoritarian role over me. Or how I'm probably going to have to fail this one kid, because he thinks he's pretty, and I'm willing to bet his parents are rich, and therefore he doesn't think he has to do the work. I don't care that he's pretty or that his parents have money; all I care about is if he does the work. And my advisor really likes that paper that it took me forever to write (see previous blogs). She thinks I'm a really good story teller and my research is really strong. And I finally told Tony that we're not in any way, shape or form compatible and he agreed and we were both happy that it was finally out there. But. . . . I guess I'll just have to tell her some other time.
Stacia

Death of a husband

Now that I know that Todd is remarried, it is like he is dead and I can finally deal with stuff I was afraid to look at before. It's kind of pouring out, but then it floats away and is gone. It's great. I feel much better. I'm working on another piece. I'm not sure if I'll post it though.

The TAing is going well, but I am having problems with that one pretty boy. He isn't doing his work, but seems to think that's it's going to be fine. I hope an F is fine with him, because that's where he's heading. The semester is about to get busy though. How exciting.

Strangely enough I dreamt about Michael last night, which is weird because the e-mail I got was from Wes. Wes is a player (I love you Wes, but not in a million years), but he wanted to let me know my Mexico pictures were good (I think he used the term sexy beast). And meanwhile, I've been throwing away my pictures of Charley. Sorry baby, but we're not ever, ever, ever getting back together. Ever. (I hate to repeat myself but Charley has a hard time with the meaning of ever). And, if for some strange reason, I had the chance to have a fling with one of my students after the end of the semester, I have narrowed it down to two. I prefer one, the other will do just fine.

gotta get to the homework, before it gets to me,
Stacia

The Words

The words exploded into their respective colors:
blood red, bruised purple, silent black.
they crushed and weighted and scarred,
worse than the rain of blows.
Blows which left
blood red, bruised purple, silent black.
Or is this just a recreation of a recreation?
The words, the words, the storm of words.
repeat; repeating; repeated.
Then complete, utter, deafening, ear-splitting
Silence.
These; this; that;
much worse than the blows:
cotton candy pink; light lavender; washed-out grey.
But people understand the blows.
Refuse to acknowledge the explosion of words.
Words painting the landscape of my brain:
blood red, bruised purple, silent black.

Drowning

I just don't know. It just swirls and flows and rips and floats above and below me. But I can't grasp it and I can't swim in it and I can't fight my way out of it. It's just there. And I don't even know what it is. I choke and struggle but I refuse to cry. I won't ask for help, for deliverance, because I don't think there is any. I'll just wear myself out and sink slowly. Hopefully there will be something entirely new down there, something I never imagined and then maybe it will be alright. Maybe it's what I'm looking for but I was just looking in the wrong places. I had to lose and tire and give up first. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and it'll be lying there besides me. And maybe I'm the virgin Mary

Paycheck

I just received my first TA paycheck, and while much smaller than I used to make in the "business world" it's still much larger than anything I've made since I started school. It's enough to cover all my living expenses. So I will no longer be living in the negative. Very exciting. I might even be able to put some money in savings. That would be nice.

I still enjoy being a TA, but it really takes a lot of energy. I have four sections on Wed. and by the fourth section I'm so tired and losing my voice and I've already said everything three times. And I am going to have to fail some people if they don't do their work. I asked my advisor if I should talk to these students and she said if I don't have a problem failing them, no. They are adults, albeit brand new ones, but they're not freshman either. They know what is expected of them and it has been restated several times. I also have one group that just does not talk at all and I have threatened them with turning their papers in early so I can call on them better during section. We'll see if that works.

I am still swimming. I enjoy it so much that I'm going to try to go more than twice a week. Even though I love the tension of my muscles against the water, I don't feel like it's exercise. It's more like active floating. Just concentrating on slicing the water in pretty patterns and counting to breath in rhythm. It's just beautiful. I really don't think about anything when I swim. When I walk, I feel alone and I think about how I'm alone. I worry about homework. I worry about papers. I worry about everything. But not when I swim. When I swim, I just am. It is a beautiful feeling. Why didn't I do this sooner. I do need to get goggles though, because I'm still seeing halos around everything.

I do believe that is about it for now. I have a ton of homework for this weekend, but what else is new. It's also supposed to get really cold and that sucks. Oh well.
Stacia

Chicken skin

I just made some of the best chicken I have ever eaten. Ok, it was the best chicken skin I have ever eaten, although the chicken was really good too. I got the recipe out of the food issue of the New Yorker and it is so good that I would good a whole chicken just to eat all the skin. Basically you cream a ton of garlic, mix it with butter and lemon juice and then add Wishbone Italian dressing. Drench the chicken. Cook on 350 for 53 minutes, flipping the chicken and basting it twice during that time. Oh, I forgot, dump a bunch of Lawry's seasoning salt on the chicken before baking. Then, stick the chicken under the broiler, after drenching it again. Watch it until it browns, flip and drench and broil again. Absolutely amazing.

now that I'm stuffed, I'm going to go to homework, because it is a Saturday night and what else is there?
Stacia

All's fair. . .

I am so extremely tired and unmotivated. I have a 10 page paper due tomorrow and sat in front of my computer last night and came up with 2 pages. Two! That's it! It's not like I have any free time to day at all. I have things I have to do from 8:30a to 9:00p tonight. I have no idea when this paper is going to get typed. I have 2 papers due next week and a presentation I have to give. And it's not even that I don't know what I want this paper to say: I just can't seem to get it out. And I'm so tired. I'm tired and I have very little social life and have very little time for a social life. Yet, all I want is to be able to come home and just have someone hold me for a while. I don't even have time for that, which is ok, because I don't have anyone for that either.

I still love to TA though. However, one of my students had to drop out of school because his unit got called up, probably to Iraq. He's a really good kid and he's taking it all in stride. His greatest fear is that Kerry will be elected president and abandon the troops over there with no funding or equipment. He really wants Bush back in the White House. This is the first person I know who will be going to Iraq.

well, even though it's 6:45a, I have work I need to do.
Stacia

I'm Free!!!!!

I just got some of the best news ever! My ex-husband got remarried this weekend!!!! I'm free! No more worrying about him hunting me down. No more looking over my shoulder to make sure he's not there. No more nightmares that he's standing at the end of my bed. Maybe I can even go into Wal-Mart. Dare to dream! He has officially moved on and hopefully he will never, ever think about me ever again. I hope she's a nice girl and I hope they are very happy together. I hope they are married forever! I'm so excited that I'm going to go to my homework.

Stacia

School sucks

It's only the beginning of the second full week of school and I'm already exhausted. I'm already looking at everything I'm supposed to get done and shaking my head in disbelief. Why am I doing this? Maybe history should just be a hobby that I do in my spare time, because making history my profession is leaving me with no spare time. Good news: the final draft of that damn paper is getting turned in tomorrow. But I'm sure something else will be due soon enough.

Moving on to even happier things. Well, although the weather is finally beautiful, summer is pretty much over and with it, the chance that I might actually meet someone and start something. With school back in, there is no time and I'm crazy now anyway. Anyone interested in me during the school year has some serious psychological problems and should probably be avoided at any costs. I'm greatly disappointed. I really thought this was going to be my summer. I guess I was wrong. Nothing unusual. Well, I hope he's not out there, because now the answer would have to be no until next summer anyway. Oh wait, I'm going to be in Russia doing research next summer. Guess that means no until I'm finished with school because after next summer I'll be in various places around the world until my dissertation is finished. And I really don't think anyone would be willing to wait around five years for me. I know I wouldn't.

back to reading the history of the entire world, person by person,
Stacia

Dreams and other realities

I dreamt about Amanda last night. A very strange dream. She was there, but there was not much interaction, but like Amanda herself, all was needed in the dream was her presence and therefore, the dream was about her. The dream made me realize how much I miss Amanda. Amanda is one of the most real people I know. She feels and write in a spectrum of colors I am incapable of dreaming of. Her emotions experience more than I could ever realize. Amanda is beautiful and sexy and sexual. She is a big girl, but I think she has to be. She feels and lives on so many levels, she needs her bigness to hold it all. I am tiny and this makes me feel like I will explode with all the things going on inside me; like I can't hold it all. Yet I read what Amanda has written and wonder how she can hold it all it all within her. Sometimes, I wish that just for a moment I could crawl inside her, just to experience even a fraction of Amanda. I know she has experienced more pain and loss than I would ever want to go through, but it has made her more aware of life, beauty and futility, in a way that allows her to live and express, regardless of what others think. Therefore I respect her, envy her, love her and right now I really miss her.

I had my first TA sections on Wednesday. Everyone repeat with me: they are babies and you are their TA. Yes, there are a few very pretty ones, but I really don't have time to babysit. Two of my sections are very talkative, the other two, not so much. I really enjoyed the first week though. We will see how it goes. Hopefully better and better.

Back to the paper, which is due Tuesday, so then I can get on to prelim stuff,
Stacia

Scavenger hunt

Classes started on Thurs. I had sociology, which looks like it will be fine and then I had to sit in on lecture for the class I'm TAing for. I got there early and sat in the front row. This gorgeous, although probably 21 year old, at the oldest, boy walks in, scans the half empty room and sits next to me. He starts chatting me up and I can see my advisor watching and laughing. This guy finally asks if I've bought the books for class yet. I reply I'm the TA, so yes, I have the books. He mumbles something about being a TA and then turns and basically ignores me the rest of the class. Have to admit it was kind of funny. I also got carded on Friday because this lady honestly thought I was under 21. I guess that's good.

So I'm having a slight identity crisis. Of course I'm a student, but I'm not the smartest student, or the most motivated. I enjoy it, I'm glad I'm going to school, I'm glad I'm a student. But I feel like I have no identity as a woman. I mean a sexual identity. Regardless of all the babies that seem to be attracted to me, I don't want to be a mom. I want a man, like a full-grown one, with a job and life separate from mommy. One who knows sex does more than just get one off. I don't even feel like I have any leads! Maybe one will fall in my lap. With my luck, it'll be in about 3 weeks when school is stressing me out so bad I'll feel like a crazy woman. That might be when I need a man the most, but I won't be at my most attractive.

I should take a moment to wish my nephew, Phoenix, a happy one year birthday! It was Thursday, but since he can't read, and no one in my family reads this, it doesn't really matter. Mom said he is now standing without holding onto anything, but not walking yet. Should be soon. She also said he can say nana, so she began to refer to herself as nana. Must of worked because she said he only says it when he wants her to pick him up. Very smart!

Finally, Amanda, if you're reading this, you should invest in some Anais Nin literature. Her erotica is really good, but her other stuff is even better. Stuff like The Sealed Room, Under a Glass Bell, House of Incest, Winter of Artifice, and others. Everytime I read her, it reminds me of you and your writing. I think you would really like her. Let me know.

Stacia

I'm a TA!

I'm getting really excited about being a TA. We had really boring TA training on Monday and I got my office key and my health benefits and my contract. I'm getting paid more than I thought, which is good. I still haven't been to my office yet, and I share it with 4 other people, so I'm probably going to be stuck with the bad desk in the bad spot with the bad computer, but that's ok. My mom got all excited and she wants a picture of the 3x5 index card with my name and office hours on it that will be outside my office door. I've done some of the reading for the first two weeks of class and I'm already coming up with questions for the first week, which will be the hardest. I have to memorize all those names! I have four sections with 18 people in each of them. Today, besides working on polishing that paper (see previous blogs) I am also going to work on the syllabi for my sections. Mostly it will be class policy, grading, my office hours, e-mail address, ect., but also what I expect out of the students. I really hope I'm good at this.

Stacia