Wednesday, September 28, 2005
See you all next week.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Camille, the pictures were great, but I think you should probably really exam why you feel a need to always e-mail at least one picture of your boobs. Although, I have to admit, it cracks me up!!!
Sunday, September 25, 2005
I cleaned my apartment today. It looks beautiful. But part of me has to wonder if this isn't my way of maintaining control over something. See, I suffer from chronic mild depression and one symptom of depression is that you also have to be in control, because you feel like you aren't in control of your emotions, so you have to be in control everywhere else. Well, while I'm alone, my strange compulsions are fine: I'm alone, but now, I'm not alone anymore. I have to fit in another person and I have to be willing to allow my feelings and emotions to be out of my total control. I have to take a risk, and it really scares me. It's only been the last couple of years that I felt like my life and emotions were in my control, and now I'm giving that up. Voluntarily. Am I insane???? I guess my mama was right: when you meet the right person, everything changes. But, I have to wonder if I'm going to be able to be in a relationship without being a control freak. I don't want to be a control freak. Wes thinks I'm doing fine. He knows all about my "issues." I am so thankful for him and I love him so much. Last night, he offered to pull a credit check on himself so I can see that he's not lying about his credit. He will lay out all his financial stuff so I know what exactly he owes and how long it will take to pay off. I've obviously been screwed in this area before. But I didn't ask him, he offered. I thought that was so sweet. He even told me that as soon as he settles into his new place after he transfers (in Nov.) that he'll just send his paycheck and all his bills to me, and I can put him on an allowance and take care of everything. Actually, I don't want that much control. At least not right now. I think that would be a bit stressful. I have my own finances to worry about. But I thought it was nice that he thought it would be a good idea. I get to see him on Wed. and I can't wait.
Friday, September 23, 2005
2. (that paragraph was just getting too long) I think Wes wanted to (at a subconscious level) let Charley know that I now belong to him. Yes, it's base, it's course and slightly degrading, but Wes is a man.
3. Concerning the denial part. I think Wes grossly underestimated the chemistry between Charley and I. I don't thinks he's admitted this to himself either, but I think he's somewhat afraid that I might leave him for Charley. It would never happen, but I understand why that would be a fear. Therefore, if he denies that Charley has an issue with us dating, then it means that Charley is over me and wouldn't take me back even if I wanted him. And if I think Charley is over me, because Wes keeps telling me so, then I wouldn't think about going back. Guy logic.
Soooooo, I think that's the extent of it. However, I think if I asked him, he would deny 2 and 3. Although, he has admitted to number 3 in a round-about way before. I don't blame him, but seriously, it's his own fault for calling Charley to begin with.
I really want a nap right now. I should do homework, but. . . .
Yesterday, I read a book for school. And it felt like that was all I did. It wasn't, but how am I supposed to read more than 500 books before next April if I can't get to more than one a day? Life if frustrating. But, thanks to a link Camille sent me, I think I found my dress, or at least the style I really like. I can't figure out how to get the link here, other than typing it out, and that just ain't going to happen right now.
Finally, for your amusement. I've taken a new interest in removing hair from my bikini line. It's because. . . I swim. . .yeah, that's why. Anyway, I bought some Nad's because I wanted it to be smooth and pretty. . . because I swim. Step one in the directions should be: drink a couple of vodka shots, because this is going to hurt like hell. It says you can do this yourself, but in reality, you really need to have a sadistic friend over to pull out your hair. Did I mention it hurts? So, one side of my bikini line looks pretty good. And. . . half of the other side looks ok. I just couldn't finish. It hurt so bad. I wanted to cry. Tonight, vodka shots and cleaning up the rest, and by the rest, I mean the rest, because, you know, I swim!
I hope everyone out there has a great Friday. I know I will, because I'm Mr. Brightside!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
By the end of my trip to Russia, everybody was claiming that Lenin was my boyfriend. These are just a few of the different Lenin statues/likenesses I took pictures of. For those of you who don't understand my obsession with Lenin, I am a Ph.D student in USSR history, and I study the Lenin period. There was so much hope during that time and excitement that things would be different and amazing. Sadly, it didn't quite work out that way. But, communism is a huge part of their history, and many towns still have statues of him up. From left to right: Kostroma, Russia; Goritsi, Russia; in front of a cake factory, in Moscow, Russia; and VDKhN park, Moscow, Russia. And yeah, I'm trying to cop a feel in that one picture!
Yesterday I talked to my friend Andrea. For those of you who don't remember, Andrea has been friends with Wes longer than I have, and she also had a thing for him for a very long time. Apparently her marriage is going good, because she didn't make any snarky comments this time. Although, she asked me if I slept with Wes. That was weird. Then she wanted to know if it was good. Even weirder. I wasn't sure what to say.
Today, I don't have to be on campus. So I went and got the oil changed, picked up a package at the post-office, got groceries and now I'm just doing lots and lots of homework (as I type this: I'm good like that). If anyone wants to know about the rise of the Russian intelligentsia in the 18th and 19th centuries, please, let me know. I can tell you everything you want to know.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
I swam a mile today. I haven't swam in a week and I think I've only swam a mile twice since I've been back from Russia. I felt really good, but when I walked into my office after swimming, they looked at me and wanted to know what happened to me. Guess I didn't look as good as I felt.
And today, one of the students who had signed up for the wrong stuff for the presentation came up to me today. Since I'm not a despot, I let him move his presentation. The other student will not be so lucky, because he still hasn't gotten back to me.
I see Wes in a week.
Yesterday, yesterday was my day to teach. YAY!!!! Not. I got to my office yesterday and my two favorite office-mates were there. We sat and talked for a couple of hours (ok, maybe only and hour and a half), but we got on the subject of blogs and then we started swapping blog pages. So, HI to my new readers!!!! You know who you are. And I should mention, these are the coolest girls ever. We laugh a lot, which is very important as a grad student. Speaking of grad students; I think I crushed Sean's spirit yesterday. He's a Russian historian and he's a fifth year, without his MA, which means he's lucky they still let him enroll. (it should take three years at the longest). Yesterday, he told me, sadly, that he thought he was going to finish his thesis. I asked him why he was so sad about this. He told me he had had such hopes and dreams for his thesis, but now, he was just going to finish it without it being the work of art he wanted it to be. Instead of being understanding, I blurted out: Welcome to life!
Classes went well yesterday for the most part. I think I mentioned earlier that in one section four people signed up for the wrong stuff for presentations. I sent out an e-mail immediately, and two people responded to that, leaving two people who didn't. On Monday, right after I spilled my 32 ounce mug of tea everywhere, I announced that if they had signed up for the wrong stuff, to see me. No one did. Yesterday in section, I announced that there were at least 2 people who were signed up for the wrong stuff, and to see me or, GET A ZERO ON THEIR PRESENTATION GRADE. Wanna guess how many people saw me after class? Well, you're wrong. NO ONE DID! So now, I'm probably going to have to deal with pissed off students later in the semester. Oh well. What did they want, me to come to their houses and do the presentation for them? They're adults and seniors and they need to pay attention.
I'm so excited, I'm going swimming today. And also, I get to see Wes in a week.
have a great one,
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Hey, it worked! What do you know? It wasn't me, it was the computer. Anyway, these are pictures of the two cathedrals on Kizhi Island in Northern Russia. They were built in the in mid-1600s and they are made entirely out of wood and not painted. They have turned silver and gold due to their age and the some sort of water process. They are also on the World Heritage Site, which means they receive international money to help with their upkeep because they're just so cool. The island is beautiful and very peaceful, but because only about 50 people live on the island (if that) and all for tourist reasons, so the vodka is very expensive. I mean everything was very expensive there. Although there was an artist there who did beautiful watercolors and acrylic of the island. He had very realistic looking ones, but also paintings in very bright colors that were obviously for children. When I go back, I'm going to buy some.
Alright, that's your Russian history lesson for the day. I have to teach today and not really looking forward to it. One of the classes I teach has royally screwed up and the result is that three or four people may just get zeros on their presentations because they didn't sign up for the correct stuff. I hate confrontations though and I know at least one student is going to challenge me on that. I may be the TA, but I'm still only the TA, you know. I'm also trying to get back on track for school stuff. I have so much to do, but I'm trying not to panic. It's too early to panic.
I'm going to go panic now,
Monday, September 19, 2005
That was pretty much my weekend. I miss Wes so much. I told him we weren't getting married for 2 years, but I think we might have to do it next fall. Anyone know a place where I can get a classy red or silver dress (or even green). I'm not wearing white. Already did that. Also, Wes and I finally talked about Charley. He thought that by bringing up Charley I could work through any unresolved issues. But I don't have any unresolved issues. At least not any that can be worked out by myself. I love Charley but because he's a dumbass, I can't be with him. And since I don't think I could ever trust him again, it's not like I would ever leave Wes for him. However, and I didn't tell Wes this, I would like to HEAR Charley admit that he's a dumbass. I guess I kind of want him to be pissed that Wes and I are seeing each other. Maybe it's just a pride thing. But I admitted to Charley that my depression played a large part in our break-up and I apologized for not getting it treated sooner. I would like to hear him admit that his addiction to drugs played a large part in our break-up and apologize for the fact that regardless of that fact that he says he wants to quit, he won't. Is that really too much to ask???? (I realize the answer is yes). I don't think I'll ever get that. But, I told Wes that if he wants me to talk about Charley less, he needs to quit telling me when he talks to Charley and what they talk about. He agreed. Hopefully, this will be the end of the issue. Somehow, I doubt it will be.
Finally, I guess I should stick a few pictures here, if I can figure out how to do it. Ok, I've technically added pictures twice and they've told me both times that they were here. I don't see any pictures. Do you? Someone help me out here.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
I determined during the summer that I will take one day a week off from school work. Doing this will actually increase my productivity the rest of the week, and I won't feel like I never have any fun. Sundays will be my "free" day, mostly because I go to church. So today, I'm going to try to catch up on all the little school things I didn't do when Wes was here. That includes: filling out my minor form so I can finally turn it in and be through with my minor (sociology); going through my pre-lim list for Lou and making it shorter; e-mailing Lou about the list and make an appointment to see her; decide what I'm going to read next on Lou's list; finish reading stuff for the class I'm teaching; finish reading the book I'm reading for Fran's pre-lim list; make a list for my dissertation proposal and decide what to read next on that; make a list for David; go through all the articles I have for David and start to work on the paper that was due to him 2 years ago (I have to finish it this semester); work on my German; work on my Russian; find out if my transcript from this summer have been delivered to UW yet, and if yes, what I need to do to have my Russian requirement fulfilled with that. I also need to go to Walgreen's and return the videos to the store.
Since Sunday is going to be my "day off" I'm going to always clean on Sundays. That actually makes me feel better because I work much better in a clean and organized environment. Also, I live in a small one bedroom, so it's not like it takes that much time to clean. I think my "regular" schedule for Sundays will be: clean, get groceries, swim, cook/eat, read paper, talk to mom, go to church (evening service) and maybe even read for fun (I've forgotten what that is). I might throw an occasional nap in there too. Since Arrested Development moved to Mondays, there's really not much to watch on TV on Sundays, which is ok. The only shows I really like are Arrested Development, Scrubs, and House. I need to start checking the listings for cool stuff on PBS too. I always realize they had something cool on after the fact.
I guess that's it. And now that I've figured out how to post pictures, I'll probably post of few of my Russian trip. Other than that, I'm not doing much. I guess I should get started.
have a great weekend,
Friday, September 16, 2005
But, this morning was very emotional and stressful. I started my period yesterday, so I was already a little bit of a wreck. Then, after saying good-bye, I get to work, and one of my office-mates/friend' boyfriend dumped her last night. And one of our other office-mates (who I don't know that well) is also going through a break-up. Her and her girlfriend have been together for 4 years, so it's more like a divorce. Needless to say, the office atmosphere wasn't very happy.
Now, I just want to take a really long nap. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. But, I have to pick up my friend from the airport in less than 2 hours, so I think I'll just clean the apartment now, and sleep after I pick her up. At least I get to see her this weekend. I haven't seen her since May. We're having dinner tonight. After that, it will be a very lonely weekend.
hope everyone else is doing better,
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Now. . . .let's complain about students. I know school has only been in for 2 weeks, but good grief. One of the books assigned is out of print. So the very first week of class I made announcements in class and sent e-mails that the book was out of print but it was available on Amazon. I also made announcements that there are about 20 copies in the library. Tuesday I get to class (I teach 4 of them) and there was someone in EVERY SINGLE CLASS who asked where they could get the book. I'm so glad I sent out that e-mail. Then, they have to do presentations, so I asked them to sign up. I announced that they couldn't do presentations over the textbook, only the other readings. In one class, FIVE PEOPLE signed up to do presentations over the textbook. I immediately sent out an e-mail telling them they had to re-sign up. I've received an e-mail back from ONE STUDENT. But, at least two people are going to have to give presentations next week, because if they don't, there won't be anything else for them to give presentations on. So, is it my responsibility to e-mail them all individually to let them know they messed up? How does that work? Sometimes I wonder how old these students really are.
Finally, I hope God bitch slaps those people who stand on campus and let us all know that God hates us all and we're all going to hell. That strategy works so well that I saw the ENTIRE campus fall to their knees in repentance. (that was sarcasm just in case you couldn't tell). I am a Christian and try to live by the words of the Bible. I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. I believe that Jesus is the son of God and died for my sins. I believe that believing in Jesus is the ONLY way to gain salvation. I have read the entire Bible several times, and I try to read it on a regular basis. I have NEVER read anywhere in the Bible that God hates anybody. I have read that He hates sin, but that He loves the sinner. The Bible says we are supposed to tell it like it is, but it also says that GOD LOVES US. It also says it is His compassion that brings us to repentance. I will never understand these people who paint God as a judgmental, hateful, hurtful, violent God and then wonder why nobody rushes to worship him. They give God and the rest of Christians such a bad name, and I honestly believe that God is going to hold them responsible for the damage they did to His cause.
Ok, even though all I technically have today is a five minute presentation, I do have a ton of homework. I hope everyone has a great day.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
On another note. I taught yesterday and it went really, really well. Except, only 3 (out of 8) people showed up for my last class. And I only received an e-mail from one of them. It's a little hard to teach when that happens. Thankfully, all three of them had read, and we were able to discuss. We were actually there for 40 (out of 50) minutes. Not bad.
Ok, I guess I should get ready for the day,
Sunday, September 11, 2005
So, off to the day,
Friday, September 09, 2005
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Today, I start teaching. Well, really, it's just an introduction day. I hand out a few things and tell them how much work they'll have to do. It should be fine. And Wes is going to do the dishes while I'm gone.
hope everyone has a great week. Mickey's girl, praying that the test results come back negative. Don't forget to check out my Russian photos from yesterday!
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Saturday, September 03, 2005
The first day of class. I couldn't believe how many people showed up even though it was the Friday before, ok, I guess you know. The professor is such a good lecturer: I'm so lucky to be his TA. But, he said we're going to have sections on Tuesday, and I thought, since it was the first week, we wouldn't have sections next week, just class. That's ok. I got all my stuff turned in for the TA job, so I'll get paid. I got the desk I wanted in my office (I share with 4 other people). My library carrel sucks though. There's a ton of empty ones, and they made me share with someone (it's kind of like a little cage in the library), and the door sticks really bad. (I was throwing myself against it and it wouldn't open). I think I'm going to ask them if I can get a new one. I also spoke to my advisor. She was excited about what a good time I had in Russia (I'll work on getting a webpage for the pictures this weekend). We discussed pre-lims and dissertations. It looks like it would make more sense for me to not go to Russia right away next fall for a year of research. What I'll probably do is go over for the summer and check out archives. Then I'll apply for funding for the following year. During the year I'm in the states, I'll just go to various archives we have here (Hoover institute: Harvard) and get all my preliminary research done. I like that anyway. It doesn't feel as stressful.
Well, I have no exciting plans this weekend. I think a little laundry, get groceries, and homework. I'll also work on those pictures. I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend.
Friday, September 02, 2005
Wes and I played another game of AOE yesterday. He won, but when I won, it only took me an hour and a half to kick his ass. Yesterday, it took him more than three hours to finish me off. I think we'll be playing again this weekend.
I have to say Happy Second Birthday to my nephew Phoenix. No, he can't read, but it's the thought that counts. I picked him up the cutest gift in Russia. It's a puzzle, shaped like a little house, and it has a bunny rabbit, a porcupine, a rooster and another animal I can't think of. But the puzzle is entirely painted, front, back and sides, and thicker, almost like wooden blocks. It was really cute. And also, Happy Birthday Tonya. I miss you.
Finally, thanks to everyone who has come by and left me a note. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to all of you: things have been hectic. But I have been thinking about you and hoping the best for all of you.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Tomorrow school starts. I don't feel even slightly prepared, but at the same time, I'm very excited. I meet with my advisor today to discuss stuff. There's a lot of stuff that needs to get done this semester. I tried looking for funding yesterday, but it looks like I might actually have to wait a year for that. That's ok, I knew the process could be difficult and not always quick.
I'm typing this on my notebook from my livingroom coffee table. Know what that means? It means Wes made my apartment wireless for me. It is great. We also played a game of Age of Conquerors last night and I kicked his ass!!! He promised that he didn't let me win, and he also promised it would be the last time.
ok, I need to get the day started. Hope everyone is doing well,